And that’s the best way to respond to: “WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?”

Conversation with Victor after the 40,000th time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU.  WHY DON’T YOU EVER FUCKING ANSWER YOUR PHONE WHEN I CALL YOU?

me:  I didn’t hear it because I was too busy yelling at some idiot who claimed that you weren’t the most understanding and patient husband in the world.

Victor:  I…don’t even know what to say to that.

me:  You should probably just say “Thank you.”

 

The 40,001st time I failed to answer my phone:

Victor:  AAAAH.  IT’S A PHONE, JENNY.  JUST ANSWER IT.

me:  *mumble mumble*

Victor:  What?  What are you saying?

me: *mumble mumble*

Victor:  WHAT?

me: That was me practicing what it would sound like if I was gagged and bound and finally answered the phone with my nose to tell you which abandoned warehouse I was stuck in.  And you failed.

Victor:  WHAT?

me:  Because maybe that’s why I wasn’t answering my phone.  Maybe it was to make this drill seem more realistic.  I can’t just reach my phone immediately if I’m tied up.  IT TAKES FINESSE.

Victor:  You’re killing me here.

me:  It won’t always be a drill, Victor.  Get your shit together.

 

The 40,002nd time:

Victor:  YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED YOUR PHONE IN HOURS.  I’VE BEEN WORRIED SICK THAT YOU’D BEEN MANGLED IN AN ACCIDENT.

me:  But I wasn’t.  I just turned the ringer off accidentally.  You must be very relieved.

Victor:  RELIEVED?  I’M PISSED.

me:  Well, that’s really the very opposite emotion to have when finding out that your wife is less-mangled-than-expected.  I think maybe you need to re-prioritize and call me back when you’re less confusing and ready to apologize.

 

The 40,003rd time:

Victor: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED?  WHAT IF I JUST NEVER ANSWERED YOUR CALLS?

me:  Hello.  I just found this phone.  I’m not Jenny.

Victor:  I FUCKING KNOW IT’S YOU.

me:  The girl who dropped this phone is inside a flaming building saving orphans. She told me to hold her phone for her in case you called.  How are you?

Victor:  Seriously, why can’t you just answer your phone?

me:  Why is the sky blue?  Why can’t they just make orphans fire-proof?  Frankly, we could ask these questions all day, but the main point is that your wife is a hero and you should probably bring her some egg rolls on your way home because I bet she’d like that.

 

The 40,004th time:

Victor:  AAAAARGH!

me:  You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all.  It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.

Victor:  JUST ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE.

me:  Technically if I answered right away the first time you called it would be totally out of character and would probably be a sign that I was being held hostage or something.  We should have code words so that if I ever need to talk to you in front of kidnappers you’ll understand me.

Victor:  I already don’t understand you.

me:  That’s why it’s good we’re having this conversation now.

 

The 40,005th time:

Victor:  I’m going to duct tape your phone to your ankle.

me:  That would make it very hard to talk to you.  I’m not really that flexible.

Victor:  But at least you’d answer the phone.

me:  Technically the doctor would probably answer the phone.

Victor:  What?

me:  Because I’m allergic to the latex in tape and I’d probably have a massive reaction and then I’d have to go the hospital and then they’d call the police because normal husbands don’t stick poisonous tape to their wives like some sort of deadly ankle-monitor.  And then you’d have to explain that to the police.  Who would be talking to you from my ankle.  Which would just be weird for all of us.

 

The 40,006th time:

Victor:  WHAT IF I WAS DEAD?  WHAT IF THIS WAS THE POLICE CALLING TO TELL YOU I JUST DIED?

me:  Well, that would be very depressing.

Victor:  Yes, but you’d never know because you never answer your phone.

me:  You can’t begrudge me a few extra hours of blissful ignorance.  Why are you in such a hurry to make me grieve for you?  It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.

 

The 40,007th time:

me:  OH MY GOD, DON’T YELL AT ME.  I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR IT RING BEFORE.

Victor:  Um…this is actually the first time I’ve called you today.  You actually picked up the phone the first time I called.

me:  Seriously?  That’s so weird.

Victor:  I know.  I’m so shocked that you answered that I don’t even remember why I called anymore.  My mind has gone utterly blank.

me:  Awesome.  I think we just switched bodies.

 

********

On an entirely personal note, this week has been sort of shitty, and if things keep going the way they have been I suspect that by Saturday kittens will go extinct and I’ll have my face eaten off by horses.  But just when I was feeling really sorry for myself I got a note from my editor telling me that my book (Let’s Pretend This Never Happened) has been on the NYT best-seller list for the last three months.  Which is insane.  And amazing.  And completely thanks to you and your fantastic support.  So I’m doing another give-away as a small way to say “thanks”.  Leave a comment (about anything) and I’ll randomly pick a few winners to get signed copies of my book.  Or, if you already have my book I’ll just give you the $15 and you can buy something by Neil Gaiman.  That guy’s amazing.

2,241 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Thank you for being you and for being so articulate. Also, for sharing. And thanks to Victor as well!

  2. Ahh!!! I’m definitely the “Victor” in my relationship. I swear my husband hits the “ignore” button on real-life/in-person conversations just like he does with his phone :)

    LDiggitty recently posted seesters!.

  3. Hope you’re having a better week now with the great news!

  4. I can so relate, Victor. Jenny never answers my calls either.

  5. I’m also the Victor here. My wife never answer her cell, totally drives me nuts.

  6. 6
    Sister Morpheme

    You got me through about three weeks of not wanting to function by the sheer power of hilariousness and the thought that maybe I am not a tribe of one. On a somewhat-related note, I gleefully picked up a skull for my bone garden during forced walkies this morning, only to be told by my foster daughter that it’s a cat skull. #conflicted

  7. Don’t answer the phone. Victor might be a zombie.

    Grey :)

    P.S. Book?!? Please!?!?!

    Greyson Stoehr recently posted Updating, Updating....

  8. ME!!! I MET NEIL GAIMAN LAST WEEKEND WHEN HE WAS AT THE TRAIN STATION WITH AMANDA PALMER! TRUE STORY! ASK HIM! SHE WAS ON HER WAY TO A BENEFIT FOR THE MERMAID PARADE AND BECAUSE THE MERMAID PARADE WAS SAVED FROM EXTINCTION IN PART DUE TO HER EFFORTS…I AM GOING TO BUY A BLUE TUTU AND START ASSEMBLING A MERMAID COSTUME!!!

    Please, please pick me. Your book has been on my Amazon wish list and I’m too poor to buy it for myself and my Boyfriend is too sharp to buy it for me because he thinks you’ll “give me ideas.” (which is true)

    Courtney Weber recently posted Ten Tips for A Crappy Tarot Experience.

  9. Victor! I feel your pain! The husband never answers his phone. I’ve given everyone my best friend’s phone number as my emergency contact because I could be dead and he would never know. He’d just wonder why dinner was late.

    Hope your week gets better!

  10. Saving your book for summer reading. Because I think that’s the best time to read about taxidermied animals and depression. Wait, is that what your book is about? Maybe I’m following the wrong blog.

  11. The only reason that the right to not answer your phone isn’t in the Constitution is that Ben Franklin hadn’t invented them yet. Don’t make us do an amendment, people!

  12. *mumble mumble*

    Also, I hope your face doesn’t get eaten off by horses, it would be harder for you to articulate your hilarious awesomeness if that happened.

  13. I am so the Victor in this scenario. Now if only the explanations I got as to why he never answers the phone were half this entertaining.

    Ani recently posted Ljidol.

  14. You made me smile today….Thank You.

  15. If you send me a book, I promise not to call you. Ever.

  16. I hope the suckage gets better. Here’s to Rainbow Unicorns and rad photo shoots and pools that magically fix and fill themselves.

    Kara recently posted Baz Luhrmann Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen.

  17. I wouldn’t answer the phone from this point on, cause I am mean like that. And when I do, I find some really annoying noise to make just to tick my husband off. So, really, Victor should be happy he isn’t married to me. Point that out to him next time, at least you answer eventually.

  18. I like free books.
    I also like your blog, it makes me like people a little bit more.
    But only a little

  19. 19
    Joseph Finn

    And this is why I never call my wife. Right. Yes. That’s the ticket.

  20. You are crazy girl, but I love it!!

  21. A comment about ANYthing? Ok! If I want to wire 35 3mm LED lights in a non-uniform pattern, should I wire them in parallel or series?

    Or maybe I should just take up bowling and forget the artsy shit that is going to make me more insane than VanGogh – and who the hell knows what I’ll lop off instead of an ear?

    Plus, I’m showing that this is the first comment, but it will be interesting to see that 193 have been posted in the time it took me to type this.

    Gristle McThornbody recently posted Welcome to Eclectic Geekage!.

  22. Can I get a gift certificate for a Neil Gaiman book signed by you?

    Or your book signed by Neil?

  23. Gah, the typo in the first line is so distracting that I am having trouble reading the rest. I’ll be back.

  24. I’m reading your book at work, and have giggled out loud more times than I care to admit. It’s awesome.

  25. LMAO this was an amusing post.

    I already have your book. I’ll take the $15. Do you need my Paypal address? :)

  26. Today has been terrible and I briefly considered quitting 5 minutes ago. I need a free book. And a cookie.

  27. I never answer my phone either …. but I like you’re idea of having a planned conversation for if/when one of the people in the relationship gets kidnapped. I watch WAY too much crime drama (Criminal Minds, Motive, Bones, CSI) and people get kidnapped ALL THE TIME. It’s like safe words, but REALLY… SAFE words.

  28. I’m sorry you are having a bad week. Sometimes the best news in the world doesn’t lift the veil that has fallen over us. Hang in there.

  29. I almost wish I had a wife, so we could have phone calls like that! ;)

    Holly recently posted DONE DONE DONE! In case it's not clear...I am done!.

  30. You’re the only reason I haven’t deleted my Twitter account.

  31. 31
    @mawrter1999

    I got my mom a Beyoncé “It’s full of whimsy” shirt for her birthday last week.

    She texted me yesterday to tell me that she and my dad and Beyoncé were on their way to NYC. I just love that image, no matter which way you slice it.

  32. I do wonder about Victor. Why does he keep expecting you to answer the phone? It’s like my husband expecting me to be on time or something. Like THAT’LL ever happen.

  33. I would love to get a signed book for my friend’s birthday! We all LOVE you! Also, my husband never answers his phone.

  34. You are awesome. That is all.

  35. This is so similar to conversations I have with my husband over not answering the phone, I’m beginning to think we’re Orphan Black-like clones, as are our husbands. Weird. I like glitter.

  36. Tell dude to just try texting. And have a Xanax or seven.

  37. How about a copy of your book signed by BOTH you and Neil? THAT WOULD BE STUFFED ELEPHANT TRUNKS FULL OF AWESOME!

    PS: Have you ever seen the Owlefant in the Museum of Unnatural Science in Washington DC? YOU NEED ONE.

  38. I’ve been a fan ever since friends shared the Beyonce article with me. :)

  39. “You know, at this point it’s sort of your fault for expecting me to answer the phone at all. It’s not like I haven’t set a precedent.”

    That perfectly sums up how I feel about just about all of the complaints that my husband has about me. Listen, dude, you knew what you were getting into and you still chose it anyway. So, now you just have to smile and live with it. Caveat emptor, my friend, caveat emptor.

    Pinot Ninja recently posted A nice, reliant automobile.

  40. I already have your book. But I’m saving up for those horse ass bar stools! :-)

  41. I am “Victor”, too!! Drives me nuts- I tell Hubby I don’t care if he’s working/cycling/whatever….I need to know something NOW LOLOL

    Alisa recently posted Bucket List: Cycle Saloon Seattle….this is how we roll..

  42. I never answer my phone either. Everyone knows to text me if there’s a question. Otherwise voicemails will be ignored until they auto delete.

  43. Always a hilarious post. I love the people that will ignore your phone call and then respond with a text. Is that passive aggressive or is it just me? Congrats on the book news!

    Brenda Dion recently posted What Infertility Can Feel Like.

  44. 44
    Heather Soukal

    Thank you for the laughs!

  45. 45
    baybridget

    Hope next week is a hell of a lot less sucktastic for you! xo

  46. I love you. <3

  47. This made me laugh so hard today – totally made my day :-)

    Sammi recently posted Prisoner In Purple.

  48. I already have your signed book and I cried on some of the pages from laughing too hard. My friends keep asking to borrow it and I refuse to lend it out. Neil Gaiman rocks. For the sake of the surreal, I want a Neil Gaiman book signed by you.

    Ava Love Hanna recently posted A Non-Virgin Feminist in the Kitchen – Hestia and Me.

  49. We are the same people. My husband texts me to answer my phone, I’m allergic to latex, and I JUST fucking read about primitive horses in Tibet last night. They’re coming to eat faces, I know it.

    I prefer your to Gaiman. Just sayin’.

  50. OMG, I just died at work. I have got to stop reading your blog at work. People are looking at me like I’m crazy. Have to say, my favorite was the hostage scenario!

  51. Answering the phone is so 10 years ago. Victor should really learn to text. That way you can ignore him in new ways.

  52. I never answer my phone either.

  53. WOOT. I will not only read your book, I will review it on Goodreads, where I am terribly popular.

    Thank you,
    Cynthia

  54. You are awesome. The end.

  55. Victor is awesome, Jenny. And so are you! :)

  56. I think I would like to have an ankle phone… minus the tape.

  57. How do you randomly select a comment? Scroll really fast and put your finger on the page?

    Sharon recently posted And that's the best way to respond to: "WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?".

  58. I don’t know why we bred those face-eating horses in the first place.

  59. I was talking to my boss once and he explained that his wife was super annoyed at him for never answering her calls, and she didn’t really believe him that he never heard the phone ring when she called. I asked to see his phone, and managed to find the “STRAIGHT TO VOICEMAIL” setting in his contacts, and her name was on the list. He swears he didn’t even know he had that feature, let alone that she was on it, but he did tell me the next day that she was so happy it was fixed that she called his cell phone multiple times that night just to say hi (while they were both home).

  60. If Victor knows you’re not going to answer, why does he keep calling? You’d think he’d learn …

  61. 61
    merryncole

    My husband can’t seem to answer his phone either. I call multiple times before he answers. Sure, sometimes it’s because he’s working, and sometimes it’s because his phone shuts itself off (or so he says right before adding that he needs a fancy new phone) but mostly I think he just likes to make me imagine what he’s doing instead of answering my call.

    PS – I have your book, but not a paper copy. That would be super awesome to have. :) Especially with your signature, so I could learn to forge it… er… appreciate it… yeah… that’s it…

  62. KITTENS! NEIL GAIMAN! THE DAY KEEPS GETTING BETTER!!!

    Also, I’d love to win your book. :)

    Elwyne recently posted Work in progress.

  63. 63
    Joseph Prisco

    Do you know how hard it is to laugh hysterically but very, very quietly so as not to disturb the person talking on the phone to your officemate? And yes, I do think it’s rude that someone would call my officemate during me-time.

  64. I never turn down caaaaaash money.

    …it doesn’t come with strings attached, does it?

    ‘Cause I’ll take those too.

  65. I really ought to know by now not to read your blog when I have a glass in my hand.

    But I’m still giggling even after having to mop orange juice off the sofa.

    Poor Victor.

  66. I already have your book and $15. I just want your signature.

  67. Hang in there Jenny!

    My favourite part of today’s post ?

    “It’s not like you’re getting any less dead, Victor.”

  68. 68
    Carole Sauer

    You are so gosh darn funny, Jennifer. You never cease to make me laugh. Thank you.

  69. I promise to put the $15 to good use. Thank you, in advance!

  70. 70
    Tracy Smith

    I read your book on a flight home from Barbados. I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t see the words. But I needed those little breaks for general wheezing and regurgitating chunks of lung tissue buried since childhood. Thanks to your book….I recently scored a “mild obstruction” on my asthma test! I hope more shit happens to you (only good) so we can enjoy another New York Times bestseller!

  71. 71
    amysrevenge

    Even though I’ve never heard it, I bet there’s people out there that pronouce it “annie-thing” instead of “ennie-thing”. I hate them.

  72. After being in denial for 3 years I finally went and had my eyes checked.
    I was told it was just age. Clearly, they weren’t trying to make me feel better.
    So I just picked up my new reading glasses….and now I need something awesome to read.

  73. There are some days when I want to put badgers into random people’s purses.

  74. I have never understood why people call with phones anymore.

  75. Trust me.. At the rate the cats are multiplying around here, kittens aren’t going extinct anytime soon.

  76. This is my hubby and I only reversed. For once I totally felt for Victor! HAHA!

  77. I never answer my phone, it’s mine, it’s here for MY convenience, besides everybody I know texts anyway, beats walking around town looking like you are talking to yourself.

    Jean Parks recently posted When Your Waistline Becomes a Wasteland.

  78. I could use another book… my table is wobbly.

  79. I don’t answer my phone so much that only telemarketers call. Usually I disconnect them immediately. Sometimes I taunt them, if I’m in that kind of mood.

    Kelly recently posted Fractal No. 1013.

  80. I keep giving away copies of your books to my friends. I need a new one (again). Ha.

  81. I never answer the phone NEVER and I turned off Text messaging :) I hate phones..
    Love to read your blog and book :) that has to count for something

  82. Sorry about the suckiness. I hope things turn around. I alternate between loving you and Victor more, because it is totally hard to pick favorites. but he’s so straight man to your hilarity that i can’t take it. I hope I am never in a situation like Sophie’s choice with you two, because man, that would be a hard one…

  83. I still haven’t read the last two chapters of your book. I bought it, got it signed by you, read most of it, gave it to my cousin as a gift (I never finished it, so it’s fine), and so I don’t know how it ends. I could use a copy of your book.
    :)

    ange r. recently posted Can I register to vote here?.

  84. Love how your mind works! You make my day complete.

  85. When I read your book, I totally “got” you. Too well. I went straight to my doctor for meds. Changed my life. I’ll check out this Gaiman guy.

    Maggie recently posted and this is how we'll increase our geek cred.

  86. I’m totally the you in this situation. I don’t answer my phone ever. And if you leave me a voicemail, I’m probably never getting back to you. Ever. Because telephones fucking suck. Stop leaving me voicemails, mom. That’s all I’m saying.

    …this got away from me a little.

  87. My husaband once left me a message berating me for not answering the phone and then cheesily/mockingly said I should have answered because he was just calling to say “I love you times infinity.” I have saved this message in my voicemail for approximately 5 years and use it to taunt him whenever I can about what a dork he is. Needless to say, he doesn’t leave messages about me not answering anymore

  88. I don’t know who Neil Gaiman is. Please don’t hate me.

    the 7msn ranch recently posted George finally wakes up and does his morning stretches.

  89. 89
    Michelle P

    I truly love both you and Victor – I wish my husband was more like him.

    PS- I haven’t managed to read all of your book yet because I keep having to put it down until I stop laughing/crying so much that my contacts are floating around in my eyes.

  90. I never answer my house phone. I’m sure people wonder why I even have one. I would rather text or email than talk to people. Oh and I’m also allergic to latex tape.

    I have to wear an allergy bracelet whenever I’m in the hospital…..then I feel silly telling people it’s not something like penicillin or something life threatening….it’s tape LOL

  91. Hope the rest of your week is kitten filled!

  92. Love it! These are great excuses to use when my wife berates me for not answering my phone, texts, what’sapp etc… Especially the duct tape, classic you should be put in a museum for future generations to cherish.

    majikthijs recently posted Ontroerd door uitzending BNR.

  93. The next time you get a call from a blocked or unknown number…..Answer it and whisper “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere”. Then hang up

  94. I never answer my phone either. But mostly because all I ever get are prerecorded messages asking me about my credit/mortgage/phone bills/insurance etc. Dull. Life.

  95. You totally need to get an unpaid intern. Just think of the fun you have! The possibilities with the phone situation alone are practically limitless!

  96. I fucking love Neil Gaiman, but I’d actually really like a copy of your book.

  97. There’s a reason phones come with the magic ability to text. So I don’t have to answer it. Ever. Glad to hear my husband isn’t the only one who insists on calling.

  98. I’ve been having a similar conversation with my 9 year old regarding texts I send him.. for instance “Why did I buy you a phone, if you aren’t going to answer my texts?”
    And yes, I realize that 9 might be too young to have a phone, and under normal circumstances there would be no way in Hell I would have bought him one, but he is at his dad’s on the other side of the country.

  99. I have your book, but it’s the hardcover because I couldn’t wait to get it and it’s pretty heavy to hold up and read. I’d like a paperback one please. My arms are tired.

  100. 100
    Marg Land

    I never answer my phone either. That’s because I always forget it in my car. That’s really what it’s meant for – taking phone calls in the car, which is actually illegal where I live. It’s how I live dangerously.

  101. 101
    Catherine

    The only thing this conversation is missing is dinosaurs. I’m sure you could have worked in a pterodactyl in there somewhere.

  102. Science has tried to develop a fireproof orphan for decades. The worst part is mining raw materials.

    Congrats on the sales, though! I know it doesn’t make up for the shitty week, but it’s still good to be reminded of how awesome you are from time to time.

  103. I’ll always answer your calls, Jenny. Especially if you’re calling to tell me I won your book! :-)

  104. Neil Gaiman?! *swoon*

    Nicole recently posted Why am I not enjoying this season of Doctor Who?.

  105. jesus this post is wonderful. victor owes you egg rolls and really – everything! because he’s not dead? and you are not in a burning building? I love it. I am constantly hearing it about forgetting my phone. hopefully hubby will never ever think of taping the phone to my person. because that would be awful and painful and I am not flexible either.

    monica recently posted Bad things happen in 3's...or 13's...or 33's. But who's counting?.

  106. My husband is the same damn way, and it drives me insane. I feel Victor’s pain. ;)

    Do the wittiest comments get the books? If so, I’m screwed.

  107. I would swear that you eavesdropped on me and my husband. Except you are super funny when you’re defensive and I just get flustered. I heart you very much!

  108. So this one time in college, I called up the guy I was seeing late at night and it went something like this:
    me: Hey there, handsome. I can’t wait to see you this weekend.
    him: uh…
    me: It’s been so long I can only imagine how it’s going to be. I miss you so very much.
    him: Um, Jeremy forwarded all his calls while he’s home this week. This is his dad and perhaps you should call back after he and I have had a talk about some things.
    me: uh, I think I have the wrong number….
    But then I actually had to meet his dad that weekend at it was crazy awkward. This is why I hate telephones.

    Oh, and maybe b/c I’ve been known to have long conversations with people who call only to find out it was a wrong number. However, my husband is hilarious when telemarketers call. He once convinced the guy that he wanted to buy a timeshare even though a) we don’t have a timeshare and b) the guy was trying to sell us a phone plan.

    Oh, and one more. A long time ago, I worked in radio. On my application it asked why I thought I should be hired. I wrote ‘B/c I have a face for radio and voice for a 1-900 number.’ I got the job.

    YAY telephone stories!

  109. 109
    CancerKiller

    Love that post. Thanks for the smiles this afternoon.

    Also – My wife, Mrs CK, thought your post a coupe months back about Laura Ingles and the nitroglycerine was hilarious. We were both glad you were okay and able to share the awesome ambulance ride to the hospital story.

  110. 111
    Megan Ringenbach

    Ok, but why don’t you answer your phone? What if Victor is calling to ask you if you would like him to pick up egg rolls?

  111. I had a shitty week too, but every time I wanted to give up and cash it in I thought of you and how depression lies. Thanks for being there for me, even if you didn’t know it.
    J.

  112. :snort: — your conversations with Victor crack me up. hope your week improves. seems like if kittens aren’t extinct by Saturday that’s already a win.

  113. I never answer my phone either. Why would I? People on the other end always want something. They pretend they don’t but they do. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…well, I’d have to pick up the phone first and I’m not doing that anymore.

    Sorry about your shitty week. I’ve heard that having your face eaten off by horses is not a bad way to go, if you have to go. But I sure hope it does not come to that.

  114. Hahaha it really is his fault for expecting you to answer the phone. I think you’ve done all you can to manage those expectations.

    Charlotte @ Commitness to Fitness recently posted Top 8 Reasons I’m Ready to Turn 30, Taylor Swift.

  115. I swear I have had this exact conversation sequence with my husband too…..

  116. 117
    Juan Mario

    Give the poor bastard a break and pickup the friggin phone.

  117. We don’t call, since I work in an office and he works in a grocery store, but if I didn’t answer his gmail chats he would totally freak out, since I freak out when he doesn’t respond to mine, logic says he would do the same. And I concur on the shitty week. PMS is partly responsible for mine, along with wasting almost two hours of my life entertaining bitchy 3rd grade girl scouts last night when I could have been drinking wine at home. Why am I compelled to say yes ALL THE TIME?

  118. God, you make me laugh! Thank you & Victor, too!

  119. If I had it to do over again, I would have focused my Masters research on alleged specimens of Rasputin’s penis preserved in jars and shown at fairs throughout Russia.

  120. 121
    All Fooked Up

    I also rarely answer the phone but I can’t imagine that anything exciting happened anyways if I’m not the one reporting it.

    All Fooked Up recently posted In which my AC died.

  121. I always feel I’m less alone in the universe after reading your blog. Thanks for the smiles!! :-)

  122. Jenny, I’ve tried to win your book 40,006 times. This is 40,007th. Which is apparently a lucky number around here.

    Kelly@Sublurban Mama recently posted This is 33.

  123. I might have to adapt these for my hubby…lord knows I dont pick up the phone enough to piss him off…

  124. 125
    Danielle G.

    My hubby’s calls are pretty much the ONLY ones I will answer. I HATE talking on the phone. He’s constantly yelling at me to answer unknown numbers – sometimes I wonder why I even have one!

  125. ha! You are friggin’ HILARIOUS! My husband always wonders why I’m laughing my ass off at work :)

  126. David Tennet is 42. He is now truly the answer to life, the universe and EVERYTHING

  127. I’m leaving a comment because I also never answer my phone and I haven’t read your book yet because I’m a poor graduate student and books aren’t in my budget.

  128. I have a wisdom tooth eating its way through my skull and i’m at work so i can’t self-medicate with Orajel (or whiskey), but this post was almost as good at numbing the pain. Next time you don’t answer your phone, tell Victor that you had some emergency dental procedures to perform on a girl in Boston.

    Judith Elsroad recently posted Isaiah 5-38.

  129. 130
    Meg Salas

    MAKE GOOD ART! Jenny, you rock my socks off and let’s be honest here, socks are not always the easiest things to rock off. Xoxo

  130. 42

    Ray recently posted these dreams.

  131. I find it utterly awesome that mentioned getting your face eaten off by a horse. This past Saturday I did a “5K” (it wasn’t real I’m sure) and my one worry was that I was going to get eaten by a horse. My friend and I eventually decided it would be the horse from the headless horseman that would eat me…but we didn’t like his name. Who names the headless horseman’s horse Daredevil? I don’t remember seeing him do stunts. We renamed him to Black Death because we assume he’s black…I mean a guy that’s trying to kill you wouldn’t ride a white horse would he? Looks like I’m going to need to do some research on that one.

  132. I seriously hope kittens don’t become extinct on Saturday because our Siamese had kittens last night and they’re so cute and they would only be like three days old on Saturday and that would be just sad… And that was a really long run-on sentence. I’m sorry. I’m just panicked about kitten extinction. Darn you, Jenny! :)

  133. My voicemail actually says “I rarely answer the phone and don’t do voicemail. Text me” because hello social anxiety and phone phobia!

    I get it.

    Amanda recently posted Splitting the Hairs of Victory....

  134. I love these conversations…

    Molley Mills recently posted What’s Up with The Service Industry.

  135. Hilarious. I’d love a copy!

  136. Three months on the bestseller list ROCKS.

    Also, Victor has a lot of stick-to-it-iveness. My hubby has stopped picking on me about phone answerage. Does this mean that I have broken his spirit?

  137. I love that even in the middle of life’s ugly you can still see the funny — and thanks for sharing!

  138. You are my husband. Which doesn’t bother me – it actually makes me very happy.

    On another note…horses eating your face would be bad. Unicorns would be worse. Or the kittens eat your face and then go extinct. So, it could be worse, I guess.

  139. 140
    Rooty Tooty

    Horses are vegetarians and are very unlikely to actually eat your face. Cats on the other hand…

  140. Reading this makes me realize that I should make up a code to talk to my boyfriend in in case I get kidnapped. That’s brilliant planning ahead.

    Emma recently posted Leaving Never Never Land.

  141. What’s wrong with just texting? I like having a visual record of my conversations, dammit! The worst is when someone calls, then texts, and I answer the text, and they fucking call again!!! ARGH.

  142. I just want so say that you always crack me up. Also, I was at Goodwill the other day and saw a red dress… I almost didn’t buy it but it was cheap(enough) and in my size and you were in the back of my head arguing with me that I was worth it and so I did. My husband and I are going to be doing a photo shoot this summer and I think I’ll be buying a tiara as well ’cause damn it, I’m worth that too! Thanks for being such an inspiration, Jenny. I hope your week gets better!

  143. Neil Gaiman is awesome and has always been :) And so are you :)

  144. I’m a new reader of your blog and I can’t wait to read your book! I’m often reading your posts at work and have to keep from laughing hysterically which usually just causes weird noises to come out of me and I’m sure that people think that I have turrets (sp?) or that I’m crazy.

    And I hope your week gets better. I’m too fond of kittens to face their extinction.

  145. I love your posts, they always make me laugh when I am having an I hate the world kind of moment!

    Nicki recently posted Baking Bread.

  146. I think you’re pretty great! I have a friend with a similar doesn’t-answer-the-phone problem, and her voice mail says, “you have reached *insert name here*” — no I haven’t, if I had reached you I would be talking to you not your voice mail.
    I’ve been here:
    “Victor: I know. I’m so shocked that you answered that I don’t even remember why I called anymore. My mind has gone utterly blank.”

  147. I am the queen of hitting “ignore”
    I don’t like to be surprised by phone calls, haha.

  148. My friend and I are having a conversation about Batman collecting children like a psychotic baseball collection. Because neither of us had any idea that there was more than one Robin……

    Also, I want a tea kettle that looks like Hitler. A Kettler. or Hittle. Whichever one sounds awesome.

  149. You’d think he’d be used to you answering your phone by now and just text or email you. That’s what my husband and I do.

  150. 151
    Alishia Smith

    I also NEVER answer my phone and my boyfriend, mom, friends, basically everyone hates it! And I agree with Lauren why cant everyone just text! I answer texts…. eventually.
    Thanks for the laughs today!

    Thanks!

  151. 152
    Tabitha W

    A comment about ANYTHING!?… sorry. That is waaaay too much pressure and my poor anxiety riddled body can handle the vastness of anything because anything could be wrong and being wrong makes my panic.
    KITTENS!!!!!… There.. nothing can be wrong about KITTENS.. unless you are allergic. Or they are zombie kittens. TURTLES! I have never heard of anyone being allergic to them.. but I did know someone that lost a tip of their penis… I mean finger… to a snapping one, so thats no good..

    Fuck it.

    ANYTHING!

  152. THIS. This is why I want your book.

    That way people outside of work can give me strange looks when I laugh myself into a seizure.

  153. texting rocks. i never have to talk on the phone anymore.

    magpie recently posted To Act Or Not To Act.

  154. Someday I hope to have a marriage just like your’s.

  155. Last night my roommate asked me to tell her something weird about herself to tell her prospective beau and I couldn’t… because everything that everyone else would find bizarre I find utterly normal… so there you are…

    Annette DiGiacomo recently posted Coworkers and online dating….

  156. I promise to answer the phone if I win a book!

  157. Jenny, this blog is awesome and hit close to home! I have a friend who won’t answer his phone either and so unfortunately, I feel a little bit of Victor’s pain!

  158. I love you Jenny, and I have been wanting to read your book for ages, but I’m broke :( Also I hope your week gets better!

    Camille recently posted Post run mango and cantaloupe.

  159. My husband has to read this blog, so then he’ll be less upset with me for not answering my phone only sometimes :)

    Also, Neil Gaiman is definitely awesome! But so are you!

    Sarah recently posted I ran, I bled, but I didn't fall down.

  160. Ha! My guy is the worst about answering. But let me miss one and it’s like OMG WHAT HAPPENED?!

  161. I love that these conversations are not only hilarious, but apparently happen quite frequently. I want to marry the two of you, just so I can be around this all day.

    That’s legal, right?

    Morgan recently posted What’s a Santa Without a Beard?.

  162. I am SO going to use those lines on my hubby when he calls! :D

  163. Thank you for being the go to when I need to laugh and feel better about the day.

  164. OMG!!! I can’t even begin to explain why I am in total agreement with you about this being the shittiest week ever! A book would be kinda nice though…. HUGS my dear!

  165. As the person who typically calls the spouse who typically does not answer, I have some pointers for Victor. First, try texting. My husband will totally text me back if I text him, even if it’s immediately after not answering his phone. If you guys find that this doesn’t work, either, then it might just be time to give up on calling. How about training some friendly, yet intelligent domesticated creature to carry messages for you? How well can parrots fly? I ask, because you could also teach them your code words for kidnap/distress!

    Sarah recently posted Adventures in Insomnia.

  166. I was all – I’m going to leave a comment. But then I thought about it and was like – screw that, I have given your book as gifts – its time to wander over to bookpeople and buy it for myself. Because seriously.

    Also, cell phones have totally messed up phone-sense. Blame the future, where we’re living now.

  167. I’m really gonna miss kittens, but it was worth winning a free copy of your book. ;)

    ilikebeerandbabies.com recently posted My Son is a Blatant Opportunist.

  168. That last one cracks me up, clearly you have completed Victor’s training now and can now avoid conversations on touchy subjects simply by responding promptly. Good work :)

  169. Having code words in case of kidnapping/hostage situations is just practical. My husband is about as receptive as Victor, though. He’ll be thanking me when it saves our lives, though. Ours is “cream of wheat,” because I figure that doesn’t come up in everyday conversation but I could somehow work it in. Also, if I say “I’m fine. Just having cream of wheat,” it should be obvious that this means there is a gun to my head.

  170. My husband can completely relate to Victor. As for me, I’d be just dandy going back to the telegram !!
    I don’t have your book (how dreadful of me, I know) and would love to read it, based on this blog post alone.

    And don’t worry about the kitten thing, there are always otters to compensate. Besides, you could be this moose:

    http://gifb.in/uJBV

    Mare recently posted I Didn't Know I Was a Trekkie (sort of just a little bit).

  171. I’ve been moving for what seems like years and my husband is deploying in 7 weeks. I could really use some laughter these days. Also, I met you briefly at a Nikon party where we were standing in line to meet Carson Kressley and I didn’t know anyone and you were really nice to me. And I thought your hair was amazing. After I came home, I figured out who you were and have been following your adventures ever since. Anyway, thanks for making an exhausted overwhelmed and anxious girl laugh today!

  172. 173
    Rebecca Donohue

    Jenny, adore your wit and incredible perspective. When I have 10 minutes to shove lunch in my face (at the office, of course) and read the news, I get very depressed — both food and news at once. So, I pop on over to your blog and just laugh my ass off! Thank you, thank you! And, LOVE your book…

  173. Ha! Glad I’m not the only one who does this. I hate answering my phone…..so I just don’t do it! It’s great. Hope your week gets better!

  174. I just love you. And Neil Gaiman too. Mostly you, though.

    This week had felt kind of shitty. I hope it’s over soon.

    For all our sakes, especially the kittens.

  175. I think I’m gonna stop answering my phone today, in honor of you! :) Also, if you run out of kittens in your area I think we can all round up the extra ones in our home towns and send them your way!

  176. Thank you. My daughter was getting bored, claiming that her nightmares were getting stale and routine. Now I can tell her about faces getting eaten off by horses. And I can even make some type of night ‘mare’ pun about it. She’ll be thrilled.

    Jon Jones recently posted RICKY SCHRODER - The Hollywood VIP Report.

  177. Winning a copy of your book would make me feel way less stabby today. And fucking FURIOUSLY HAPPY.

  178. Thanks for making me laugh today, I really needed it. I’m glad I’m not the only one who’s had a “It’s not like you’re getting any less dead” conversation with my husband. I hope you’re week gets better, I’d miss kittens.

  179. You make me laugh so hard, I pee my pants. But it is totally worth it.

  180. This is exactly why I never listen to my voicemails…. People always tell me about how I didn’t answer their calls and I never call them back even though they left me voicemails. But their voicemails are usually really boring or are yelling at me for not picking up the phone. Just once I’d like to listen to a voicemail from a friend with something creative… Like singing their message to me. Can I make that a requirement? “Don’t leave me a message unless you’re singing it. Or offering free kittens.” Because seriously, you can’t go wrong with kittens.

    maginthewild recently posted So basically, I’m an idiot.

  181. 182
    Heather Flowers

    Love this! Want to be more like you :)

    I NEED your book! I’m saving it to read when I go to Punta Cana this summer to get married with ALL our closest family members. Now you can see why I NEED your book :)

  182. If I win your book I’ll give it to a friend. Or not. One can never have too many Jenny Lawson autographed books. Husband might beg to differ, though.

  183. Horses would never eat off your face, they’re too friendly. Maybe coyotes. Or my dog if he’s really been pushed to his limit. :)

  184. You would think Victor would be glad you have a phone at all. Smoke signals would be way more complicated.

    Lisa recently posted ... and this is why I think everything happens for a reason..

  185. KNOCK-KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER! <3

  186. Reading your posts always make my horrible days better.

    Also, my friend stole my copy of your book.. so I TOTALLY need another copy that I can keep safely stored in one of those high security museum cases… like the Declaration of Independence…. but better.

  187. You are awesome x 40,0000. I don’t know what that number means, but I love it anyway.

    Charlene Romano recently posted The Ghost of Flute Teacher Past . . ..

  188. 189
    Elizabeth A.

    All of yours posts make me hysterically laugh. This is the best stuff I’ve read all day.

  189. 190
    HomesteadJen

    Would a picture of an adorable, if deranged puppy give you a moment of cheer? If so, then, here: http://t.co/Fgk43AFsBX

    If not, then, Blech. Who love puppies? Gross.

  190. Sorry you’ve had a craptastic week. Hope you have a weekend that’s filled with sunshine and rainbows and taxidermy animals wearing pink sweaters. ^_^

  191. I’m going to start using these when customers get uppity.

    “Why didn’t you answer your phone.”
    “I was saving orphans from a fire. Hear that siren? That’s the firemen FINALLY getting here after I already got all the kids out. BOOM!”
    “I’ll leave you be.”
    “You bet your sweet self you will.”

    It’s a nice fantasy.

  192. So my ebook copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened just got updated to the new-and-improved paperback version. I started reading the new material, and enjoyed the heck out of it.

    And then I got past that, to the discussion questions.

    I totally, completely lost it at that point. My wife was looking at me like I was insane. I had a sudden image of some high school English teacher trying to teach from this book. Maybe Mr. Foster, who taught AP English my senior year.

    Whoever added those is a comic genius. And I’d bet they don’t even know it.

  193. I seriously love you. And I am so glad I’m not the only one who gets yelled at for not answering my phone. Also, you should totally pick me to win your signed book. That way, I could give the unsigned copy I have to someone who could use a laugh. Or, throw it at someone who is being an asshole. Either one works for me. Or…I could give the signed copy to my mom. Her birthday is coming up and she is a HUGE fan of yours, too. She could put it next to the little Beyonce statue I got her for Mother’s Day last year :) And yes, the card I sent with it said “Knock, knock, motherfucker!” She loved it.

    Jenna recently posted Not What I Had Planned....

  194. I hope your week gets better!

  195. I would LOVE to give a signed copy of your book to my bestie who is currently battling advanced stage four breast cancer. I think that if anyone could use a few laughs, she could! Please pick me! By the way, I met you in Denver and you awesomely posed for a picture with my friends and me…all making angry panda faces. It was so amazingly cool of you.

  196. This may have been my favorite post yet… No wait that was the Knock-knock Motherfucker one! Hope your week gets better! Remember depression lies to us all!

  197. I once knocked myself out with a diving board while trying to impress a life guard I was crushing on. It so didn’t work.
    Random, I know.

  198. 199
    Michelle Bakota

    I just killed myself laughing! I’m going to show this to my husband so he knows that my lack and phone answering COULD be worse !

  199. Holy cow it’s like the weekly conversation between me and my husband was transcribed. This gives me a few new ideas to work with. I really like the orphans thing. Also, I’m headed to the beach in two weeks, so a free book would be much appreciated.

  200. Please, I know it’s been a shitty week, but I really couldn’t handle it if kittens were extinct! So I’ll hope for a better end to the week than that! And any week that includes your book and Neil Gaiman would just be a better week already!

  201. Now I need to have a serious conversation with my boyfriend on the usefulness of hostage situation code words and fire proof orphans.

  202. I never answer my texts right away! People hate me for it. I just like to think about it before I answer.

    As far a real phone calls, forget it. I have bad phone phobia.

    I hope I win a signed copy of your book! :)

    Megan recently posted Free Burgers This Summer from Amstel Light & Boston’s Baddest Burger Truck.

  203. I’m the Victor too. We mainly text, and I ONLY call when it’s REALLY important.

    Like when my car alarm broke and wouldn’t stop going off and I didn’t know what to do, and I couldn’t even think because, hello, CAR ALARM GOING OFF over and over and over and over and over…Thank god for AAA! And no thanks to random old dude who walked up to me AND THE TOW TRUCK DRIVER and was all, “Did you try using your key?” Thanks man! I get that, in your day, girl=knows nothing about cars (untrue in my case) but I have a guy who’s job is cars here!

    Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, people who don’t answer the phone…yeah, I can’t get upset about it anymore because I have too much else going on! I just do shit, and if he gets mad, I say, “I tried to call you!” In the “If you’d answer your phone, you’d have input!” tone of voice!

    And yes, I NEED an actual copy of your book. I have the ebook, but an actual copy…*drools*

  204. Jenny, you are awesome and I hope your week gets better. If not we can all cry together about the kittens.

  205. Now I feel like I need to adopt a kitten just to see if it goes extinct on Saturday.

  206. I answer the phone very seldom. anyone I actually want to talk to prefers texting, making screening very simple.

  207. 208
    Susan Lee

    ring ring…..ring ring…..Ring Ring…..RIng RIng….RINg RINg….RING RING……..

  208. Victor is much more creative in castigating you for not answering your phone then my husband is.
    I envy that.

  209. 40,000+ times? Talk about tilting at windmills. Most of my friends give up after the second time. Persistence doesn’t pay off with me.

    Madison recently posted Doctor Who Giveaway.

  210. I’m afraid of answering the phone. Luckily, my wife knows this, and knows to leave a message, or text me right before she calls.

    Xopher recently posted Where have I been?.

  211. My husband yells at me for not answering the phone, too. But what if I’m busy reading your blog? I can’t just interrupt that, now, can I?

  212. 213
    Michelle Lamothe

    I’m Canadian. Can I still enter your contest? So many American contests won’t let us play…

  213. you’re hilarious. I snarfed my cereal reading this. Thank you, from my burning nostrils. :)

  214. Thanks for your humor. My sister lent me your book. She told me repeatedly how hilarious it is! I read it in no time! Would love to get a signed copy for her to give back vs. the original! She is fighting the monster called breast cancer that has spread through different locations at only 34….. A signed copy to re-read the millionth time (because she has retread the book like crazy laughing) would be a pick me up as she hugs the royal throne and waits at doctor visits! Your wit and humor is so in line with hers… It brings comfort to actually read the book feeling like a part of my sisters joy is near me across all the miles!

  215. Oh man… A second copy of your book to give away (as I already have one), or $15 for a Gaiman book…. That’s a tough choice.

  216. Please sign my book before that horse eats your face, I know you are thoughtful that way.

  217. people still use phones to call people? with speaking and everything?
    how vintage.

  218. 219
    Meg Keenan

    OK, I know you said it was random, Jenny, BUT OMMFGAWD, please pick me (at random). Because it is my fifteenth anniversary. And because I had the following conversation with my husband Kevin four days ago, and the asshat, I mean wonderful man, refuses to see reason!

    Me: It is four days to our 15th anniversary.

    He: I am well aware of that, Baby. Last Saturday, you tried to pick an argument at lunch about the date we were married. I had to take off my wedding ring so you could see the date that you had engraved on the inside of my ring.

    Me: ANYWAY, I need you to give me the traditional present.

    He: Yes, that would be I take you to dinner.

    Me: BULLSHIT! You have to give me a A BIG METAL CHICKEN.

    He: Give it up baby. I am not allowing anything else with sharp edges in this house. You would just fall on the fuckin’ chicken and cut yourself. If anyone else give you a metal chicken, it’s going in your office at school, just like the one Joanna gave you.

    Me: You know nothing, Keven Tucker. Ke$ha Money, the medium metal chicken does not live in my office. She lives in my trunk so I can take her whereever I go. But now you have to give me a BIG metal chicken and we will call her Beyonce Khal Drogo St. Agnes Tennessee Tucker. All husbands must give their wives a Big Metal Chicken for the fifteenth anniversary. IT IS KNOWN. Jenny Lawson, the BLOGGESS says so. if you don’t believe me, look it up. It is on mother-fucking WIKIPEDIA

    He: Yeah, wikipedia. That website that you won’t let your students use. And I don’t know who this Jenny is, but she sounds like trouble.

  219. Lillian can hear my phone ring, but I can’t. So when she’s not near me (you know, pesky work, going potty, things like that), I never know if someone’s calling.

    I’m good with that.

    Kittens will survive, your beautiful face will remain intact, and the shittiness will wander off. Not soon enough, never soon enough, but it has other people to vex and there’s just not enough time to hang about. It will get better. Until then, know you are a national treasure — they should totally remove all of Mount Rushmore and make it Wonderful Jenny (because “Mount Jenny” is just wrong on SO MANY LEVELS) — and you are loved and never as alone as you feel.

  220. I tried calling you to be eligible for the drawing, but you didn’t answer. Hope you’re not suffering a duct tape allergy.

    Laura recently posted H140- Long Beach and Back.

  221. Poor Victor. One of these days his head’s just going to EXPLODE.

    Ashley F recently posted Fluffy Thing Fridays - Arctic Animals.

  222. I love you. Seriously have a lady crush. Don’t ever change.

  223. Perhaps Victor should find a more effective form of communication. Like sending you missives by carrier pigeon or better yet, one of those birds of paradise that jump around all brightly colored after cleaning the forest floor of litter. Train one of THOSE to deliver messages in a timely fashion. I know *I’d* be way more likely to respond to someone who talked to me via wacky-colorful bird courier.

    But for now, stay strong. And here’s hoping your week gets better! If it hasn’t, you should go watch the videos on wherethehellismatt.com. Never a day so bad that it can’t be cured by people dancing foolishly together all around the world.

    Julie recently posted Commitment.

  224. If my husband answered the phone like this I would not be mad. I would however call him 1000 times a day to see if he could continue his creative streak indefinitely.

  225. I’ve spent the day coping on what feels like minus hours of sleep, hanging out with a very new small person who doesn’t really understand the whole idea of hanging out and instead has decided to cover me in assorted small person bodily fluids while screaming. Some of them appear to defy gravity. I’ve not eaten, I’m knackered, and I think I may be in the running for Least Attractive Human In The Known Universe.

    You just gave me my first belly laugh of the whole week. Thank you :)

  226. Thanks for the laugh because it was just what I needed for my shitty week.

  227. I think you live in my head and say all the things I am too afraid to say!

  228. I’ve been having an argument with my husband for the past few hours about exactly how much of what goats eat turns into what goats poop. You know, because I want to rent some goats to eat the horrifying weeds in my backyard. My contention: slightly less than 100%, because they have to grow hair and horns and hooves and stuff, and some of what goats eat goes into making that stuff. His contention (verbatim): You would find patches of shit, not patches of hair.

    You said comment about anything. Goats are a thing.

  229. I wonder what it would feel like to have your face chewed off by horses. I mean, I’ve fed goats and llamas out of my hand. And I imagine a horse doing it feels much the same, only bigger. So….if that’s what it feels like, I bet there’s a tickly feeling involved.

  230. 232
    Jeanmarie

    Love it. I never answer my phone, and haven’t turned the ringer on in 2 years.

  231. Stories about you annoying Victor are the best.

  232. For your next post, I’d love to see some text message transcripts. I bet those are golden.

    Mindy recently posted How To Freeze and Store the Top Tier of Your Wedding Cake.

  233. One day I hope I have a marriage like yours :)

  234. Thanks for sharing your awesomeness!

  235. 237
    Chantak Eagles

    Thanks for admitting when things are shitty. Somehow you do it with humour and grace. I am rather less graceful about it.

  236. My week is the sucks too =( Right now my husband’s phone is broken and a new one is backordered, and I’m in FL and he’s in NC so we can basically only converse via carrier pigeon, but when he gets his phone back I’m totally showing him this so that he knows ours conversations are completely normal. LOL

  237. My husband has similarly threatened to attach my phone to my body. I need to get more creative and respond like this. Maybe I should print off this list and attach it to my ankle with duct tape, so whenever he mentions this unfortunate, genetic predisposition of mine, I can try to get really flexible. Then he’ll be so busy watching me contort in amazing ways that he’ll forget what he was originally complaining about and drift off to a dream of me doing similar contortions on a particular piece of furniture. (I think I’m really onto something here…)

  238. Being on the bestseller list is way better than having your face eaten off by horses.

  239. I started just sending my husband pictures by text so that I don’t have to call him just to say “Hey, I’m on my way!” Bleh. Instead, he gets a picture of the elevator buttons, or the tire of my car, or a blurry picture of the license plate of the car in front of me on the highway… Sometimes, it’s the top of my head with the rest of the picture of the place I’m currently at.

    Or, a picture of my toddler crying because mommy gave her the “too yellow” banana instead of the “just perfect yellow” banana…wth…

    Am I talking to much about me? I do that.

    That’s why I need some perspective and read about someone else…like you…in your book…

    Krista recently posted It's been awhile...and that's okay..

  240. I love your blog!!

  241. I need to remember some of these the next time my hubs yells at me for not answering. I NEVER answer my phone :)

  242. Your book was like the best mind-hug I ever got. Please write another one.

  243. Jenny, you’re amazing and I love reading your posts! I’m sorry your week has been shitty – do you want me to come out there and kick this week’s ass? Cause I’ll do it!!!

    Bonnie recently posted No longer a Becnel.

  244. You’re such a shitshow. I love this.

  245. My husband used to yell at me for not answering my phone. Then I got an iPhone and turned into one of THOSE PEOPLE who have their phones on them allthetime. Not sure which is worse…

  246. If it weren’t for having internet capabilities on my phone I don’t think I would even have a cell phone. I hate answering it because it means talking to people about things and I hate that.

  247. Cool kids don’t answer phone calls. Cool kids text. Victor needs to get with the times.

  248. I already have your book, but I’d like the newer version because I feel like I got punished for having the good sense to buy it while it was brand-spankin new, before you added the extra chapter, thus killing the “early bird gets the worm” theory and enhancing the “second mouse gets the cheese” theory instead.

  249. I’m saddened at your lack of response to my exciting pictures with Beyonce’s father back in January. I really thought you would share in my excitement :(

  250. I would love my very own beyonce statute because i already ahve your book that i am sharing with everyone i know and i cant find my own unique beyonce so i need yours. the end.

  251. i do the same thing, i never answer my phone because even though it SAYS it’s my wife,or my mom, it might be the bill collectors in disguise. damn collection agencies are sneaky bastards.

  252. I have the audio book and laugh my @ss off at the gym to it! but would really love a print copy!

  253. Text messages are the socially anxious’s gift from the telephone gods. Answer at thy leisure. Trufax.

  254. 256
    Erin Bell

    I’m about to go read your book again. Because I love you THAT MUCH. And I really NEED a signed copy to show off to people.
    :)

  255. I may have told you this before, but this seems as good a time as any to repeat it. My husband and I both come from hunting families. I have read the deer cleaning and squirrel portions out loud to my parents and in laws, to their great delight. Another copy of the book would certainly find a loving home!

    That said, I’m in Canada. Don’t know whether that would be a deal breaker.

  256. Why does Victor call so much? Has he not discovered texting? All the husbands of wives who hate phones are doing it these days! ;)

  257. 259
    Stacey Guidry

    I really need Neil Gaiman’s last book!

  258. I got your book from my daughter for Mother’s day and I love it! This post is hilarious. I get yelled at by the same daughter because I don’t like to answer my phone either.

    Kimberly J recently posted Ring Shopping.

  259. You crack me up. Every. Single. Day. My husband still refuses to allow me to get our own Beyonce, which is just ridiculous.

  260. Don’t you know by now that allowing us to leave a random comment about ANYTHING is the recipe for disaster? To illustrate – and to tie into your conversational post, here’s my latest with MY hubby:

    Me: Mark messaged me about the house concert this Saturday. I just gave him the info. I’ll put a message out tomorrow about no flash photography during performances.

    Hubby: are those two things related?

    Me: During “I Will Never Let You Go” he was taking flash pictures and it RUINED my WHOLE LIFE.
    I was seriously looking for a baseball bat.

    Him: Oh… yeah, that’s not good

    Me: The entire video is all flashy and annoying and it is such a PERFECT SONG and he FUCKED IT ALL UP!

    Him: Did you tell him that? using those words?

    Me: No, but God help him if he does it again.

    Carm recently posted I Blog In Spurts (that’s what she said) My Randomness..

  261. Next time just tell him you are saving him from himself. If you answer your phone he is bound to have a conversation with you that will leave him: a) dumbfounded that there was a stuffed lemur in tap shoes at the estate sale you just visited, b) screaming that said tapping lemur made it home and to your living room, or c) raging over the realization that you bought the lemur from a place with dirt, not carpet, floors.

  262. 264
    Linda DeBerry

    i don’t remember how I first found your blog, but I have to check in every day now. It makes me feel less peculiar….
    I mean that in the best possible way.
    And you’re right, Neil Gaiman is amazing.

  263. Maybe you guys should just stick to texting in the future?

  264. My husband and Victor can complain together, because my husband gets annoyed by me doing that ALL THE TIME. When I finally call him back after realizing I missed five calls he usually says something like, “WHAT DO YOU HAVE A PHONE FOR IF YOU NEVER ANSWER IT!” and then I usually try to cheer him up with my witty retorts, like, “It has a pretty good camera.”

    This always makes my husband sigh in what I am sure is pure bliss for being married to me.

  265. I gotta say, this exchange is way better (& more entertaining) than the one my husband & I used to have when he would call me every day during lunch, and the days that he didn’t, I’d pout for hours and growl at him when he got home instead of getting off my butt and calling him myself.

    Patricia recently posted Sunny With a High of 75.

  266. This happens to me exactly ….exactly the way you have it up there! OMG! We have all switched bodies!

    Jen K recently posted 17 Lessons my husband should have gotten by now... you would think!.

  267. I never, ever answer my phone…and that’s why my voicemail greeting says “hey, it’s me, hang up and text me”.

  268. Omg! You totally make me laugh. I love reading your blog especially the conversations with victor. When I’m having a crappy day you always make me forget :)

  269. We are moving this summer and I need an excuse not to pack…hopefully I’ll win your book and can put my feet up and absorb your whimsy!

  270. Thank God I don’t have your phone number. Please never give it to me. I couldn’t handle the stress

  271. I have your book, and polished it off in record time! Would love a signed copy(perhaps with an extra chapter?!?!)

    I ‘heart” you Jenny!!

  272. lol these are the convos I have with my mom ALWAYS. She NEVER answers the damn phone n it drives me nuts! I’m like “what if i was dead?” shes all like, “Well then you wouldn’t be calling” -.-

    Miami Makeup Artist Veronica recently posted Makeup Artist Secrets.

  273. 275
    Nisu Shah

    Another great blog entry…love your work!

  274. Pick Me!! I’m getting ready to move from Houston to my home state of Colorado. I’ve been thinking of cancelling my move just because I might accidentally bump into you somewhere and become your lifelong BFF! No, not a stalker, just a huge Jenny fan!

  275. You are awesome. Just awesome.

  276. 278
    Indolent Cin

    My cell phone is always on vibrate and I seldom have it anywhere near me to feel it. Once I get home I never know where it is (usually it’s in the bottom of my bag). (For instance, my daughter texted me at 8:30 last night — I finally saw it at 10:30 and only because I remembered to put it on the charger.) My boyfriend always calls the house phone, or my work phone, or the car phone because he knows I seldom have the cell nearby, but then he complains about how I might as well have the cell superglued to my hand because I’m “ALWAYS ON IT.” Really? Then why do you call the house/office/car, motherfucker? Why don’t you use the cell number since I’m “always on it”?? Huh? Huh? Huh? That’s when he changes the subject.

  277. I would really like to feel sorry for Victor, but he gets to be married to you.

    Rachael recently posted Ravello.

  278. I love this.
    I’m sure if I ever answered my phone, the conversations Id have would e nothing like this, but I’m the person who sees someone calling, lets it ring out, and then sends a text asking what’s up.

  279. My mother-in-law could use a session with you. When you answer the phone she’ll say something like “DID YOU GET MY EMAIL?” or “WHERE ARE YOU? I CALLED YOUR CELL PHONE AND YOU DIDN’T ANSWER!?” No hello. No introduction. She just starts in about your communication methods and by the time she gets to the purpose of the you are so irritated that you can barely speak. And then, the kicker “WHY DON”T YOU CALL ME?”.

  280. I never answer my phone either. And I constantly get the, “what if I were dead?” lecture too. To which I respond, “If you were dead, I highly doubt you’d call me.”

    Mara Shane Thomas recently posted The WordPress.com Reader: Follow Your Feeds, Discover Great Reads.

  281. Although $15 would definitely help me get my hands on Neil Gaiman’s new book that’s about to come out, I personally would much prefer a signed copy of your book. Then, I could brag about it constantly to everyone I’ve turned onto your blog/book. Neil Gaiman will have my money thrown at him regardless, but an autograph from you? That would have its own shrine.

  282. I am totally on touch with the applied insanity of no phone answering.

  283. Sorry about the shitty week.

    I already have your book, but I’ll definitely gift the extra. The unsigned copy, of course. I’m keeping the signed one. I’m a good friend, but not that good.

  284. I love your conversations with Victor!

  285. I love these conversations with Victor. They are so hilarious!

    BatPoopCrazy recently posted The Shower Head Gods Have Spoken.

  286. Brandon: Well shit, you answered your phone. I had a bet that you were napping instead.

    Joan: I WAS napping, asshole. I only “answered” because I thought I was hitting the snooze button. DICK.

    Brandon: ….so….what’s for dinner?

    Joan: click

  287. I love reading about your interactions with Victor… :)

  288. Wouldn’t it be easier to just change your answering message every morning to something like “I can’t take your call right now — or perhaps ever — because of the zombie revolution” and then “I am not available for the foreseeable future because I may have eaten something I poisoned in my fridge” or “Please try back next week when I am not consumed with pictures of celebrities and twine”. That should lower Victor’s expectations and make sure that he is on top of your blog and book.

  289. 291
    lesliejeannene

    you know, i had the same conversation with my best friend last night when we were talking on Gchat and she informed me she had just called me twice and she knew perfectly well i was there….whatever.

    also, puppies make bad weeks better.

  290. I wish I had something to say that would make your week better. Thinking good thoughts for you, if that helps even the tiniest of tiny bits. {Also being extra vigilant with answering my hubbies calls today.}

    Robyn Straley recently posted But that's all . . ..

  291. 293
    wendyzski

    I personally think “call me back when you’re less confusing” is appropriate to my life

  292. Just the laugh I needed this afternoon. Thanks. And sorry I’m laughing at you.

    Rhonda recently posted Guess Where I Am!.

  293. You crack me up. Every time I read one of your posts at work (which I know I shouldn’t be doing) I am laughing out loud. My coworkers wonder what’s wrong with me.

  294. Jenny, your book was so much fun reading. Wish I could proffer some kind of hilarious commentary but no match to you and Victor. Is that the phone?

  295. This post is amazing! I’m going to try some of these responses on my mother. Don’t think she’ll take it as graciously as Victor but it’s worth a shot :P

    Leonicka recently posted Armchair BEA 2013! Giveaway.

  296. Titties and boobs,
    Boobs and boffers,
    They’re fun! And pillows!
    And they feed our daughters!

    (You said whatever I wanted!)

  297. My dad and my husband are notorious for calling me, but when I can’t answer the phone in time and try calling them back, they never answer the phone?! I don’t know if they are trying to teach me a lesson or have thrown the phone out the window because me not answering the phone ruined their day. But if they are trying to teach me a lesson, it’s an epic fail.

  298. I love your blog, just started reading it a few weeks ago. You’re accounts of daily happenings remind me of my life. ThankS!

  299. You AND Neil Gaimon rock!! (And, so does Amanda Palmer, his wife, whom I believe you should meet, STAT so you can start your BFF-ship, or however you say that.)

  300. I have hearing issues, so I don’t always answer my phone as I can’t hear it. Then my family complains that my ring-tone is too loud….there’s no right answer here folks!

  301. Thank you (and Victor) for making me laugh. :)

  302. 304
    Brenda Prell

    You crack me up! Whenever I’m down, I look to your posts to bring me back up! Thank you!

  303. thank you for the ab workout. As you may’ve suspected, the week will probably get better…. next weekish.
    :) as many others have said, money, book, something by Neil, can’t I just have all of the above?

  304. And that’s the way the cookie bounces…

  305. I doubt horses would want to eat your face because they are such gentle creatures, but… it’s your shitty week and not mine, so who am I to judge? Love you Jenny!

  306. 308
    Melissa Valencia

    I could not love this blog more if I tried… It is so absolutely random and reminds me of myself (more or less). I would totally love to have a signed copy of your book! I’ve turned like a bajillion people on (yeah, that’s like, a shit ton of people, and I didn’t turn them on, like turn them ON, but I guess it’s possible that I did because I am kind of awesome. It’s a gift. Where was I? Oh.) So I turned like a bajillion people on to your blog and I will forcibly make everyone of them read the things I think are funny (which is like all of them, except the ones that aren’t), and then they all love it too! Except for my husband Julian, he’s my Victor. Poor sap just fails to see the humor! KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER! SEND ME YOUR BOOK! <3

  307. Yup, female Victor here. My husband even went as far as to ignore me for a couple of months every time I asked for his new cell phone number. Now that I FINALLY have it, he went back to ignoring my calls, just like he did on his old phone, sigh. Sooooo annoying…

  308. I never answer my phone either; most of the time just because I hate talking on the phone but sometimes because I am actually BUSY doing something. It annoys the hell out of me that he gets all pissy about it. Hope your week gets better!

  309. Hope your week gets better!

  310. I used to have these same conversations with my (then) husband. I wish I’d had the wit to make similar smart and sarcastic replies. Thanks for being a good example!

  311. 313
    Kareykelly

    I am so glad I am not the only one who doesn’t answer my phone…and whose husband doesn’t understand. Freakin phones!

  312. 314
    Becki Moody

    Thank you for this post. My “Victor”(s) ask this all the time. I really just hate talking on the phone and only have it in case I’m in a wreck and need to call a tow truck.

  313. Seriously, your entries make me smile. :) Thanks for that.

    I seriously, seriously hope your week gets better. With that in mind, I’m keeping you and yours in my thoughts AND prayers, because any sort of good karma is good, right?

    Jessica M. recently posted springtime; or, the return of the sun.

  314. I’m still pissed at myself for loaning your book to someone who no longer speaks to me.

    Speaking of Neil Gaiman, I just bought tix to see him when he’s signing in Miami in June! I win!

    writersblock recently posted surinam cherry.

  315. I’m always yelling at my mom to answer the phone when I text her. Once, I literally texted her until she answered. Fifty texts later, she texted me back to tell me that she couldn’t stop laughing at me.

    …And like 90% of the time, I don’t answer my phone because I either assume I’m being buttdialed or I really just don’t want to talk on the phone.

    Rachel recently posted I Have Way Too Many Pictures.

  316. 318
    Natalie L

    i hope you know you’re amazeballs. i don’t answer my phone either… and if you leave me a VM i *will* delete it. but i have anxiety issues surrounding phone calls, so it makes sense (except it doesn’t).

  317. 319
    Jennifer Upchurch

    You and my husband would make quite a pair. He too, fails to answer his phone. every.time.I.call. I seriously want to smash his face in when I get voicemail over and over and over. I have really important shit to discuss with him, like what my new haircut looks like and the beautiful piece of artwork our daughter created at school that day. I mean seriously, a fucking ghost made from her footprint? Amazing. But he doesn’t get to know about these little tid bits because he won’t answer the damn phone! I suspect he’s screening me.

  318. This is hilarious.

  319. I agree Neil Gaiman is amazing, but I’d rather have your book please.

  320. My husband reads everything you write and spends most of his time shaking his head and saying “Oh, Victor. Poor Victor.” Should we move to Texas, he will probably try to become friends with Victor. There is company in insanity, I think.

    Delanie recently posted Trifecta Week 78, Arthurian Fashion: A Discussion (of Sorts).

  321. You’re so adorable! And ridiculously funny…I haven’t read your book yet but it’s on my wishlist and I can’t wait to get my grubby paws on it so I can laugh until I start crying

    Deviant Panda recently posted I just turned 30.

  322. I just lugged your book from Oregon to Croatia and left it with my friend there. Now she leaves me voice msgs of her just laughing manically – it’s so awesome. I want to spread more Lawsbianism wherever I go!

  323. 325
    stephanie b

    always good for a laugh!

  324. 326
    E M Foster

    This is kinda like the texts I send to my husband. He only answers if it’s a question he deems important. For example, threatening to drink the contents of my 12 bottle wine fridge earned no response. Saying I hate one of our dogs got a response. I don’t get it either. For the record, I love our dogs except when I’m stressed about something else and the dogs are barking their heads off because they heard something that sounded like the key going into the front door lock. :-)

  325. I hope your week gets more amazing!! I know mine will if I win this book!

    Amanda recently posted When the Days get Warm.

  326. Congrats on being as awesome as we all know you are :). I would love to win the book so I could read it a third time and annoy my husband by belly laughing while he tries to watch CNN. On a side note I always get annoyed when people don’t answer The phone when I call, however, I rarely answer my own phone because I fancy being ironic.

    Amy*

    Amy* recently posted 12 Tags of 2013 May.

  327. My husband yells at me all the time for not answering my phone, as well. Thank you for the tips. I’ll let you know how they work for me…

  328. You obviously are the long-lost twin of one of my sons, because NONE of them ever answer their phones, although it would be unusual to have given birth to a twin I didn’t notice.

    MomQueenBee recently posted A Fine Investment.

  329. Huh. I’m making the Hubs read this post so he knows he’s not alone in his anguish/anger at my phone inattention. Ha.

    Also, I’m totally going to start answering with a mumble. Excellent.

    Of COURSE your book is still on the bestseller list: it’s wonderful! I hope your day/week/month/etc gets better starting today.

    Jess @ No Pithy Phrase recently posted When Snow White Gets Old (and Crotchety...and probably demented).

  330. OMG! That is me and my husband. I drive the poor guy crazy.

    Practical Mama recently posted Customized photo books as a gift.

  331. Well, I hope the Yorick Hat arrived to cheer you up after this shitty week!

  332. 334
    Sara Lang

    I love when you post conversations between you and Victor. They always make me smile!

  333. Hope things get a little less shitty for you! I loved your book, I laughed, I cried, I was generally a big mess!!!

  334. 336
    Iknowright13

    I reeeeeaaaalllly needed these giggles today. Thank you very much.

  335. Phone calls are for suckas. And extroverts. I am neither. Talk to me on Facebook like a normal person, people.

  336. Omg, thank you for the laugh! I needed that.

  337. 339
    Elizabeth

    Thank you for always brightening up my day. :)

  338. I’ve read bits of your book and blog to everyone I know. My nephew now wants geese or some other kind of poultry just so they’ll follow him to school. And then he can say goose poop without getting in trouble.

    Jonna recently posted WWJ(ennifer)D?.

  339. I’m always yelling at my husband for not answering his phone. I guess I should get used to it.

  340. Who really answers the phone anymore? Just send a text saying what you need.

  341. Your amazing sense of humor, sarcasm and love of cats have made life a little easier for a lot of people. You’ve also helped me expand my own personal vocabulary with my frequent use of douchecanoe. THANK YOU. You fucking earned that best-seller’s list.

  342. Email exchange between me and my hubs…

    Me: My head is going to explode from boredom. Seriously. Be worried. I will probably be driving home with no head. Not to mention it will totally scare Elizabeth if I pick her up without a head. Of course, she might not even recognize me. For that matter, the teachers might not recognize me and so I probably won’t be able to take Elizabeth out of school. And there’s no real way to communicate to them that I’m her mother because I won’t be able to speak. I could write a message, but who’s going to help out a headless person by giving them a pen and piece of paper??? They’ll probably think I’m trying to kill them when really, all I want is a pen and paper! Then they’ll call the cops and you’ll have to bail me out of jail. That, of course, is if I can convince the cops to give me something to write with so I can explain the situation to them and to give them your phone #. Great! So my boredom is going to doom me to being a headless jailbird for the rest of my life! Awesome. What a mess…
    Damn. It happened.

    Him: Wow….all I can say is wow…..

    This is my random comment! ;)

  343. I’m not speaking to my best friend because she saw you in New York at your book signing and sat in the front row and texted me a photo of it. But she was too chicken to come up and talk to you and get her book signed. So please pick me so I can taunt her with how much cooler I am than her because I have your book. Signed. And I’m not a motherfucking chicken. Thank you.

  344. We use Google Voice for our home number. It rings both our cellphones. When I answer it, my wife chides me for picking up when it is most likely for her. (Nobody calls me. *sniff*) When I don’t answer it, I’m asked why I didn’t pick up. Can’t win either way.

    TechyDad recently posted Nana The Dandelion.

  345. I have a friend who is terrified of fish. All fish. even goldfish. She just bought a house that has a fish pond, already stocked with SEVEN koi. Her children’s dr. has a HUGE aquariam in the lobby.

    None of this is relevant to anything. But I think it’s funny. I don’t tell her that. I tell her that I’ll save her if the fish suddenly gain the ability to breathe air and plan an attack. I figure that’s more what a good friend should do. :-)

    again, not relevant.

  346. Why can’t people understand how much it sucks to talk on the phone? I always tell everyone, “I never answer my phone. Just text me. It will make all of our lives easier.”

    But do they ever listen? No, they call, and bitch about why don’t I answer my phone. *sigh*

  347. How much money you think I could get from selling the signed copy of your book if I won?

  348. Ur book is by far the most funniest thing I have ever read! And i have read maybe not TONS of books but I have read a other books before!

  349. 351
    Heather Garcia

    HA… Sounds like my husband. Really truth is am a mess and he probably has reason to worry but still don’t yell…. OH and I would love a copy of your book

  350. At least Victor only threatened to duct tape your phone to your ankle. My husband threatened to duct tape mine to my ass! So see, it could be worse!

  351. I am still on my quest for a 6ft tall rooster and think of you all the time when I see the baby ones. :)

  352. I would love a copy of your book. I loaned the copy I bought out to a friend who absolutely adores you, and I can’t bring myself to ask for it back because it makes her so happy. At this point I’m considering it a present that she doesn’t know she got presented with, and one day when she remembers about it, and feels awful and tries to return it, I can be all, “Ta da! It was yours all along!” So, replacement copy would be awesome. Although it is awfully hard to turn down Neil Gaiman. Meeting him is on my list of things to do.

  353. i love neil gaiman. nice suggestion.

    wenders recently posted Passion and Authenticity.

  354. 356
    Danielle C

    What if I use the $15 to buy your book for someone else? You know…pass on the insanity.

  355. I love your book! I was reading it a few months ago ( mostly on the train) and could not stop laughing. Yeah, I was one those people who laughs on the train and you want to avoid eye contact with.

    Priya recently posted Confessions of a Hot Yogi: Hand To Armpit.

  356. 358
    Trish Howard

    Gosh, doesn’t Victor know how to text?

  357. My Grandfather died this morning. I just found out he had spinal cancer last week, it went that fast. But knowing about it all week has made an amazing thing happen – I’ve actually had the ringer of my phone on. I almost never do this. For Reasons. So, I can totally empathize with you. Phones can be scary and having to keep it on because you’re waiting on depressing news doesn’t entirely help that. And I’m sorry this is really kind of a depressing comment. I’ve known he died since about seven this morning but it all caught up to me about an hour ago and I cried in my girlfriend’s arms for an hour while trying to figure out our plans. The last straw was realizing I was likely going to have to mega disappoint my daughter because of plans we already had made and it seems a simple things and Life Happens but it is frustrating and it was one emotion too many. Now I’m tired and emotionally raw and apparently that makes me babble uncontrollably when what I really wanted to say was that while I totally understand how frustrating it has to be for Victor, I definitely grok that phones are scary and are good to be avoided sometimes. Or a lot of times.

  358. I think we lead parallel phone lives. My bf and my mom are always bitching me out over this. And I have yet to train my brother (who is in school in Hawaii – boo hoo, right?) not to call at 3:00 AM EST. That, and it is really annoying to actually answer the brother’s call out of a dead sleep and then have to switch over call waiting to talk to the bf. I think that’s really why I don’t answer my phone. Text me.

  359. A few years ago I had a job with a local arts festival that involved, in part, running around town doing errands for the boss. While I was out on the street I never heard my phone ringing because of all the other noises. The boss was not amused by this, and very strongly suggested I fix the problem.

    My first attempt at a fix was to set up a headphone with hands-free answer, so that the phone would automatically answer itself when the boss called. The problem with that, however, was that the phone never actually rang. My boss would call, get immediately connected, and probably hear lots of background noise, my breathing, and belching. She would respond to this situation by screaming, “HELLO! HELLLLOOOOOO!” This, of course, would inevitably scare the crap out of me, causing me to respond with something graceful like, “AAAAUGHHHH! THE FUCK?? …oh. Oh. Um, hi?”

    For some reason, as cool as the job was, the boss and I never really seemed to get along well after that.

    Bob Bruhin recently posted new mural, Hamilton + N12th - Hope it doesn’t get....

  360. That’s so funny. I was half-expecting Victor to just hang up on you when you finally answered. I mean, it wouldn’t be all that strange for him to have such a reaction.

    Carol recently posted Writers Write.

  361. My pants. They are ablaze.

  362. It took me 2 months to figure out how to get the “ring for phone calls only and not make noises for every other damn thing” setting on my iPhone figured out. Blissful 2 months. It was wonderful to blame technology.

  363. While I’m a worry wart I have nothing on Victor. His next move may be to have you chipped. ;D
    Would love a signed copy of your book so I can forever have a reminder of deer sweaters!

    Liz recently posted WEEKEND RECAP: MAN & WOMAN OF THE YEAR GALA.

  364. That was good! Your book is great and I can only hope you have a better week, next week! Take care

  365. 367
    Shawna Biccum

    You are amazing. You are so totally the Unicorn of humans.

  366. I find I answer my phone a heck of a lot faster when it has a super obnoxious and loud ringer. Of course, that means I have to be awfully vigilant about shutting it off in places like libraries. I may not have done that last time, so I’ll need a copy of your book to read at home.

  367. 369
    Guadalupe

    You know how when you miss a call by half a millisecond, call back and there’s no answer? WTH. Did that person burst into flames as soon as they hung up?

  368. hahahaha, I loved this :) Poor Victor. But congrats you on 3-months!

  369. I’m sorry about your week. For solidarity purposes I will share with you what I have learned this week:
    1. When they call the appointment to get your IUD inserted a “placement” appoitment it does not underscore the intense uterine upheaval that you will be a part of.
    2. Ant eggs discovered in the grounds of your coffee AFTER you drank the coffee is a very bad way to start the week.
    3. When the branch of a large oak falls off the tree and tags the corner of your house, it is not a sign of good luck.
    4. It is only Thursday.

  370. 372
    Jennifer Reed

    I switched to an an eReader about two years ago. The only non-electronic books I still have were written by you and Neil Gaiman, because you are both awesome.

  371. That’s the relationship I have with my cell phone. I thought it was just a small google searcher. But talk about sucky weeks- I had to put down my cat of 14 years in front of my 8 year old twins. This after my daughter was sick all fucking week.

  372. Oh god, this made me laugh so hard tears ran down my leg!

    (Totally stolen, but can’t remember who to attribute it to. Don’t be mad at me, I’m bad with names. And bad at not walking into things. Slammed my toe into something yesterday and wandered around for half an hour before I noticed the blood trail. And last week the garage door bit me.)

  373. I made a toaster pastry for snacking on during my drive to work. I left said toaster pastry on the counter because I don’t usually have a toaster pastry in the morning and the shift in my routine threw me off and I forgot it. I was concerned my kittens would eat it, or try to eat it, hate it and throw it on the floor, getting icing all over he floor. They didn’t even touch it! My boyfriend came home and found it whole. I don’t know if that says something good for the kittens or bad for the toaster pastry.

  374. This is like every phone conversation with my husband and I, which usually starts off with him asking “Did you listen to my voicemail?” to which the answer is always NO because voicemails are evil. After 10 years, you would think he would ahve learned to stop leaving them, or at least stop asking me if I listened to it.

    Kelly recently posted A Day for Memories and Grief.

  375. And this is one that I should forward to my husband (I won’t, because he also reads your blog and will find it on his own), because he will completely empathize with Victor. I, of course, cannot answer my phone. I don’t have the charger, so it is whimpering for food or sleeping the sleep of the wicked and just.

    Seanna Lea recently posted [10 Tuesday] the joys of a long weekend.

  376. Tornadoes Too CloseToYourHouseGiveYouTheJitters…….And Make New Storms Scary

  377. My husband won’t even learn the code to pick up messages, never mind answering the phone. Sigh.

  378. Last night my daughter asked me if the caterpillar we caught was going to turn into a monkey by this morning. She’s 3.

    Last night my 5 year old let the neighbor know she knows the words to the song “Thrift Store” by yelling “Hey Chris… guess what?… I wear my granddads clothes, I look incredible” out our front window!
    Yes, this is my life. Everyday!

    p.s. That is me following the direction to write about anything.

  379. I don’t even understand why we’re still talking into phones to communicate. We have text messages and email now, which are far superior to making talky-noises through a crappy microphone so someone else can listen through a crappy speaker.

    (My friends have mostly given up on getting me to answer my phone. It’s better that way.)

  380. Already have the book! Would love your signature, though. I’ll donate my copy to the orphans. Kittens. The orphaned kittens.

  381. I think your hubby and my hubby have a lot in common with this whole “answer the phones” thing. How in the hell did we possibly survive before cell phones….? Neil Gaiman is AMAZING!

  382. I often think of onions. Especially in the springtime.

    You said I could comment about anything.

  383. Number 40,0000th? Is that an actual ordinal number?? Really??? Man, this new math gets me every time. *sigh*

  384. 386
    Christina

    I’m definitely in your husbands shoes on this one. My hubby hardly ever answers his phone. It drives me crazy. Thanks for this laugh. I will definitely share this with him…

  385. 387
    islandgirl

    I am sending this to my husband right now. btw, I still laugh out loud whenever I listen to your audio book. Would love an autographed hard copy though ;)

  386. trying to determine if your stories are real or totally off the wall made up!

  387. I never answer my phone either.

  388. BTW, I already have your book but if I win the signed copy I’ll keep that one and give the other copy away. Except that was a Father’s Day present from last year, so I really shouldn’t give it away. Maybe I can give the unsigned one away and pretend the signed one IS the same book. “I don’t know how Jenny signed it. I think she snuck in at night just to ninja-sogn this copy. Now *that’s* dedication!”

    TechyDad recently posted Nana The Dandelion.

  389. Did you know that chickens only have one functioning ovary? They also don’t have belly buttons. True story.

  390. PICK ME AND I SWEAR I’LL NEVER EXPECT YOU TO ANSWER MY CALL. <3

    Mel F recently posted feeling swell.

  391. 393
    Christina

    I love your book, ordered a hard copy from Amazon when I meant to order on the Kindle but it turns out it was good because then I could loan it to my sister. Then since she didn’t return it quickly enough, I bought another copy on the Kindle so I could re-read it! Love it!

  392. 394
    Sony smith

    Neil Gaiman is amazing. And my wife doesn’t answer the phone either. Is there a club for that?

  393. pick me, pick me
    Love your conversations with Victor! But in this one I am Victor because I always think some thing bad has happened to my hubby when he doesn’t answer…

  394. Love this! And I would love your book! :)

  395. It sounds like, with the way your week is going, kittens won’t become extinct but they WILL probably eat your face off. The bad part is that you will be watching out for horses and never see them coming. Just thought I would throw that out there in case you come across an extra cuddly looking kitten.

  396. Jenny – I love, Love your writing. Even when I’m having a great day, your humor makes a great day, better. I hope you’re week gets better.

    Thank you.
    Bob

    Ps. If your week is shitty b/c Victor is out of town and not answering his phone, feel to call me for some heavy breathing :-)

  397. Your book makes me smile, it’s good to feel good.

  398. You ROCK! This conversation could have happened in my home. Sadly, I would be playing the role of Victor. Hence, I would love to win a signed copy of your book.

  399. You should leave creative messages on your voice mail for Victor LOL

  400. I have been literally snickering in my office for the last 5 minutes. Partly because this post is HILARIOUS, but mostly because I keep going back and reading it.

    Carmen recently posted Unloading.

  401. Hope your week gets better :)

  402. I just read this to my 12yr old brother and even he laughed hysterically!

  403. (about anything)

    I really want your book. so much, that I was extra witty. see how I did that there?

    pretty please?

  404. You need to train him better, cause he clearly didn’t call the cops when you picked up the phone the last time!

  405. I troll facebook waiting for a post from you. :)

  406. Signed? Hell yeah! That’s better than finding a stuffed bear cub dressed like a cowboy at a flea market.

    Eileen recently posted So many books, so little time…..

  407. I just recently found your blog. I know, I live under a rock (with kitties!) Thanks for helping me with my shitty week.

  408. Jenny, your book was so much fun reading. Wish I could proffer some kind of hilarious commentary but no match to you and Victor (insert phone ringing picture thingy here).

  409. 411
    Jill Abeles

    I read your book and liked it so much, I told all my friends to read it.

  410. 412
    Branden Simbeck

    I completely understand how Victor feels. My wife and I use to play this game, she would leave for the store and told me to call her if I saw anything we might need that wasn’t on the list. So I would call her, she wouldn’t take her phone in the store with her. I would call her with something and she wouldn’t answer…. So I know how she feels.

  411. work sucks. reading your blog makes it better. at least I can laugh once a day.

  412. I have a friend who never answers her phone EVER. I only call her if I really need to tell her something, though she’s never once picked up, so why I even bother with that, I have no idea. She rarely texts either, not even to let you know she received important messages. So I end up sending texts like, “Hey! Work just called and the cops found some dead guy in an alley behind the gas station, so I can’t babysit in 10 minutes after all!* Sorry!” Then two minutes later, “You got that text, right?” Then two minutes after that, “Right??????” I finally give up, call her husband and ask if he’s heard from her. “Oh yeah,” he’ll say. “We ended up not needing a sitter for tonight after all. Didn’t she call you?”

    Blargh.

    *I’m a reporter, not a coroner. Or Horatio Caine.

  413. You just made me laugh out loud in the office until I nearly peed and started crying. Thank you for always being the best part of my day. You are amazing!

  414. 416
    ~Michelle~

    I think I’m Victor…

  415. Jenny. I already have your book and I laugh-cried my way through it. If I am a chosen contestant, I would actually like you to send me your favorite Neil Gaiman book, signed by you. Sound like a fair deal?

    Jen recently posted Bad Situations and Recommended Reading.

  416. I would totally answer my cell phone if I actually got any phone calls.
    My house phone, however, is for show and status, only.
    The mental picture of Victor is what had me giggling – I kept picturing the visual for “beside myself with anger” from the Tex Avery cartoon. http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_loydgdMmdt1qd9f8vo1_500.jpg

  417. i’m only page 87 and your book is already the best I’ve ever read.

  418. 420
    kathy alderson

    I haven’t answered my phone since the invention of the answering machine. My mom gets the angriest….of course. I try to explain to her and others who whine about it that I do not carry my phone around with me everywhere I go. Apparently, it’s the social norm. Screw that.

  419. My husband and I have our own version of the “why don’t you ever answer the phone” game daily. Fortunately, I’ve learned that if I confuse him enough, he just leaves me alone about it, lol!! Keep on keeping on Jenny, you make me laugh daily and that is something I’m always thankful for. **BIG SQUEEEEEZY HUGS** I hope your week turns around hun!

  420. Just found out my co-worker bought your book for his wife for Mother’s Day. How sweet is that?

  421. 423
    ninjenni

    Yeah, I anmtotally using the kidnapped one when I text my husband after failing to answer the phone when he calls.

  422. 424
    Adam Lipscomb

    You mean I’m not *obligated* to answer my phone? HOOPLA!

  423. It used to be that I never answered the phone when my husband called because I always forgot to take my phone with me. But now, he never answers his phone when I call because his phone is always out of battery. I realize this is fair (or something) — but I can’t help but wonder how a person who ALWAYS takes his phone EVERYWHERE can’t remember to charge it.

    MommyTime recently posted Anniversary.

  424. 426
    deafgimp

    Going deaf was the best fucking excuse EVER to say I didn’t hear the phone ring. It works every time!

  425. I think Susan (#23) that couldn’t read your post because of a typo in the first sentence has a problem. Knowing grammar is a good thing. Being so distracted by a single typo that one disregards an entire blog of awesome is a problem.

    Btw, I think you should give a signed copy of your book to my sister (via me) because I already own your book.

  426. I can relate to not anwering the phone, especially when it’s my hubsband. Why do husbands want to constantly talk on the phone?! Off my back, Honey! Leave me alone for 5 minutes, will ya? And he never has anything important to say (like kidnappings, or horses eating faces, etc)….he just wants to talk.
    Glad to hear your book continues to do well. I don’t really like to read(I get too sleepy!), but I would read your book, if it’s half as fun as your blog!

  427. 429
    John Kirkpatrick

    My good wife Linda is always so amazed when we are angry that she won’t answer her phone until around 4:30 in the afternoon. We should know better by now & stop placing a guilt trip on her. Or something.
    Pax

  428. 430
    Christine

    Jenny… you should convince Victor to co-write a booth on relationships. I would totally buy it… it would be hysterical I’m sure. You keep us laughing Jenny… For me because of some of your adventures I can totally see it in my head as me and my friends/family which makes it even funnier. My favs being Beyonce and “The GPS is trying to Kill Me”…. love, love, love :D

  429. I already have your book, though it isn’t signed. I didn’t go to your signing at Powell’s because that would have meant parking downtown on a work night which kinda gives me a rash. I think you had one at Powell’s in Portland, right? Anyway, just wanted to say hi and you’re awesome… Hi. You’re awesome.

    Julie O'Connell recently posted No Easy Solution.

  430. 432
    Stephanie

    Too too funny. You guys are the best. I have to tell you for my birthday one of my best friends bought me a travel mug with a picture of Beyonce (the chicken) on one side, the other side reads “Knock, Knock, MOFO,” she thought surely that way I could bring it to work. We signed up to run a race and named our team the “Knock, Knock, Motherfuc%ers,” they called and asked if it was a joke. We told the girl we were totally serious and she had better google Beyonce the Chicken. She did and said it was the best team name ever.

  431. I am super behind on everything this month because of anxiety and my brain trying to devour me whole. I’m attempting to console myself with petting my cats.

  432. I’m forwarding this post to my husband so he won’t ask why I don’t answer my phone in the future, lol. Congratulations on being on the NYT Best Sellers list!

  433. I don’t like phones either. But I do love books!

  434. Facts:
    We married the same man.
    My blog is funnier than yours.
    My book has out sold and out lasted your book on the NYT bestsellers list.

    If kittens are facing extinction and faces are being eaten by horses, the above facts are true. Try not to step in the rainbow turds my unicorn is dropping as I ride off, with my spurs, jingle jangle jingling.

    Beth recently posted T-20 Milestones.

  435. I need your book because I don’t have money to buy one due to my smoking habit.

    Adriana Boatwright (@AdrianaIris) recently posted A Quick Craft Project....

  436. I give my phone dirty looks every time it rings. Also, kittens cannot go extinct because I need one. Or two. Or enough to make me a crazy cat lady. ‘Cause everybody knows that’s where I’m headed.

  437. Ugh. Cicadas. That is all.

  438. 440
    Jennifer Ciniello

    You know I just found out my friend’s puppy died and this post made me feel marginally less shitty, so thank you. I feel you on the shitty week. And congratulations about the NYT list, that’s amazing and not at all unexpected.

  439. 441
    Victorian

    I need to send this to my sister. She NEVER answers my calls and it is so annoying. Your excuses are better than hers…she needs some tips.

    I usually end up calling her husband and making him hand her the phone!

  440. 442
    Heather in CA

    I’ve had a shit week too. I am unemployed so I don’t know if I need your book or the $15.00 more. =)

  441. Love that itues, or would it be ibooks, anyway recommended your book to me. I have shared it with everyone I can (2 people- kinda sad but true) and some of my friends have gone a bit over the deep end for you.. NANCY if you are reading this.. you really need to take a step back! kcp

  442. I was going to leave this comment even before I saw about the giveaway. However, I can totally relate to the very valid reasoning in time #40,006 – I mean really, who wants to get that call? Much safer to ignore the phone. On a related note, my heart does occasionally skip a beat when my husband is out and someone unexpectedly comes to the door… I envision needing medication when my boys get old enough to leave the house on their own…. or just ignoring the door from the basement….

  443. lol needed this today.

    Liz recently posted 149/365.

  444. What if I have all of Neil Gaiman’s Books too?!

    Also, your humor has brought me through a lot of my crappy hours, days, weeks. I hope all this comment love helps you through yours.

  445. I never answer my land line ever. It’s full of voice messages I’m sure, which scares me away even more!

  446. You are the funniest woman on this planet. I read your book May 2012. On a plane. My laughter was probably the annoying equivalence of a crying baby.

    Cheers. Hope your week improves. You are The Bloggess. How can it not?

  447. You know, Jenny, I still have a picture of me hugging you on my phone from when you came to Atlanta for your book signing last year. You are so frigging awesome it’s scary. Like spider-clown scary. But in the best possible way. I read your blog every day because you make me laugh and cry and feel a little less alone as the weird one here in Georgia. So thank you for that.

  448. 450
    Stephanie

    T ell Victor that at least you have your phone when you don’t answer it. Every time I try to call my husband for something (usually to pick something up on the way home), it rings laying in the room beside me. So aggravating.

  449. YOU = AMAZABALLS!!!

  450. 452
    Katherine

    I hope your week gets better soon! A world without kittens is unfathomable.

  451. You are so awesome. I was laughing out loud. Everyone around me thinks I’m nuts :-)

  452. I shared this with my fiance via IM while he’s at work and this happened:

    Me: lol I’m like Victor here.

    My Fiance: ugg.

    Me: Hm?

    My fiance: I kind of want to slap you.

    Me: Why?

    My Fiance: Just because I heard you saying all of that in my head.

    Me: lmao! I just laughed so hard I sprayed half chewed noodles everywhere.

    My Fiance: It’s a cheesnado!

    Me: lmfao

    My Fiance: That little snippet would be good to leave as a comment if you want a copy of her book. Probably this part too because then it seems extra self serving and you might get bonus points for it.

    Me: lol you know, that’s not a bad idea. Also, damn you read fast, especially ’cause you’re working AND eating.

    My Fiance: Are you kidding, who had to read that? We’ve had that exact conversation 50 times. It was just like recalling memories. Also I just checked and while I’m not allergic to latex, I could talk into my phone if it was taped to my ankle, but I couldn’t hear you unless I put it on speakerphone with my chin.

    Justice recently posted Not Doing Okay.

  453. 455
    Marianne

    I read the last portion of your blog as you can buy something by Neil deGrasse Tyson, not Neil Neil Gaiman. For that whole moment I was amazed that I could buy something from Neil DeGrasse Tyson and wondered what it could be. I lost a little bit of my afternoon daydreaming about the possibilities. But, it’s just Neil Gaiman. I believe you that he’s amazing; but I’m still disappointed.
    I’m hoping I snap out of this wave of self-induced she-wasn’t-talking-about-that-Neil-which-would-have-been-a-mind-blowing-event-feeling, as this will be an awkward conversation with my therapist as to why my upward swing was thwarted by a Neil knuckle ball.

  454. Good Lord! Clearly I am not the only person in love with your sense of humor.
    Oh, and douchecanoe is one of the best words ever. It’s right up there with douchnozzle, cocktard, and fucktard. :)

  455. 457
    Jimi McCammon

    As much as you like to write you two should text. But that would take a lot of the fun out of things I suppose.

  456. titty sprinkes!

  457. I don’t answer my phone either… why should I? He’s perfectly capable of texting. :P

  458. 460
    Raen Levendoski

    I’m surprised my husband never yelled at me for not answering his calls. My phone was always on silent. Now I just have a wifi-only iPad, so we can only text. Life is good. xD

    Also, I am crossing my fingers AND toes, hoping I win a book! I’ve been wanting it for ages, but financial crisis has not allowed me to splurge. Stupid bills. And food.

  459. I never answer my phone, either. I’m totally stealing your excuses.

  460. I have the same issue with not answering my phone. I hear it ring, usually look at the caller id, then throw it to voicemail. Sometimes I just dont have the energy to carry on a conversation. Just text me already. My husbands asked “Why do you get so angry when your phone rings? It’s not normal” I tell him ‘Because MY friends know not to call me, to text instead”

    I’ve also had a shitty week that will probably contribute to extinct kittens by weekend

  461. 463
    Junkpony

    Although this was obviously a Marathon of Suckiness for Victor, this post absolutely made my day. I was contemplating what size binder clip would be best to seal my co-workers mouth, but this totally distracted me from office flotsam assault; it’s all good now. Thank you for the intervention.

  462. I usually can’t even find my phone to answer it, so let Victor know you are way ahead of some people in that department. Sorry you’ve been down. I’d be happy to send you some cookies if you think it would help. I’d offer to send you eggrolls but I have political reasons as to why I’d never do that.
    -Gina-

    Gina recently posted Jam overload and is it possible to relax too much?.

  463. I’m pretty sure I could use these transcripts to program a bot to answer the phone that will pass a Turing test. Then we just need to program you phone to autorespond to Victor.

  464. My parents never answer their cell phones either. Hell, they never even turn them on (though they do keep them charged. Figure *that* one out for me, will you?). They’ve had them for years, and still haven’t gotten around to setting up the voicemail. I refer to their phones as the two paperweights they rent from AT&T.

    Vee recently posted Badge.

  465. This post made me really laugh. I too am one of those people who refuse to be tied to my phone, on call 24/7 to whoever calls, no matter what I’m doing. If the phone’s handy and I’m not in the middle of anything, I’ll answer it. If I don’t, well, that’s why they invented voicemail.

  466. My husband just shared this post with me & said “I’ve never understood someone’s life so well as I understand Victor’s.” *innocent blink*

  467. Pick me because it’s sightly more likely than the lottery and almost as fun! Pick me because even though I loooove Neil Gaiman and won’t get to see him on his book tour next month, I still want your book, too! I’ll put it with my signed copy of Caspar Babypants This is Fun, because it’s the other thing I have signed by a famous person! And because I’ve ended each of these sentences with an! except this last one because it’s only a fragment.

  468. Yup … I’m the Victor in my relationship. My mind automatically goes to the worst possible scenario when my husband doesn’t answer the phone.

    Anyhoooo – sorry you’ve had such a terrible week, but super excited about how well your book is doing. Keep making the rest happy by sharing your crazy shenanigans!!! (And yes, I said shenanigans.) :)

  469. I think your husband is great;)

  470. I have your book but my daughter doesn’t, so I’d love to have another to give to my daughter who gave me your book in the first place. Then she’d have her own book that I gave her and she won’t need to borrow my book that she gave me. Oh, all right — it would be her book that YOU gave her, but either way i would come out looking less … possessive … of my book that she gave me.

  471. Hello?….Hello?… Is anybody there? Damn why do I keep answering this phone anyway?

  472. 474
    Elizabeth Oala

    I just had a weird Doctor Who encounter. Yesterday I looked at the new Cake Wrecks blog and it was all based on the “Don’t Blink” episode. Later that night I watched it for the first time. It made my whole evening all wibbly-wobbly.
    I’d forgotten just how awesome that show was over the last 30 some-odd years…=)

  473. I used to stalk the non-BF by phone until he answered. “WHAT?” “Just wanted to say hi.”
    So now when I Cell Phone Stalk him, he has an app that texts me “Can’t talk now, will call you later.” That he has an app that instantly blows me off isn’t what makes me mad, it’s his lack of creativity. Change the damned text message every once in a while. The same one all the time bores me.

    Hope your week gets better, and soon. Because it’s almost over.

    nongirlfriend recently posted “An ounce of pretention is worth a pound of manure”.

  474. 476
    Cassi Powell

    YOU are amazing…and funny; thank you! :)

  475. I’m a slacker and haven’t read your book yet. You should send me one so I can be less of a lazy person.

  476. Now all I can think of is this:

    Love you, lady! You’re always awesome at bringing the smiles!

  477. hilarious!! and, pick me, pick me!! I love free hilarious books! :-)

  478. Yeah, “shitty week” seems to be going around. Next week has to be better, right?

    Lisa recently posted World’s Largest Talking Cow.

  479. 481
    Kelly G.

    I admire your phone drill. Smart girl you can never be too prepared for the “I’ve been kidnapped scenario.”

  480. There are guys cleaning the carpet in my apartment and the chemicals smell really good – like fruit rollups or something…but mixed in deadly chemicals.

  481. I’m going mad today because the library where I work has these massive humidifiers that are so very loud, it makes me feel like I’m trapped inside a staticky TV. Reading your blog though always makes me laugh so thanks for that. :)

    I adored your book and even made sure that my library ordered a copy.

    Becky B. @ Bibliognome recently posted Armchair BEA Day 3 - Giveaway.

  482. I have to send this to my husband. He’s always complaining I’m unreachable. Though less so now that I got a smartphone and can’t be separated from it for even a few seconds.

  483. I hope the week looks up for you soon. Crappy weeks suck!

  484. Sorry that your week has sucked the wang. *hugs*

  485. How are you planning on notifying the winners of your book? You clearly have an aversion to phones…. should I expect a call from your ankle?

  486. You make me laugh when I need it! Thank you. WOOF!!

  487. 489
    Brockii McGrew

    I enjoy reading your blog. You are so funny. Thanks for the laughs.

  488. 490
    OtherSuze

    Those conversations are exactly why I don’t have a cell phone. Leave a voice mail on my landland. I’ll get back you. When it’s convenient for me…not you.

  489. If I win your book, I will pass my original copy along to a friend preparing to travel so that they, too can be on the “no-fly” list.

    Boy, you laugh for 45 minutes straight midair and people get all kinds of judge-y on you.

  490. 492
    Heather H

    Conversations with Victor could be a book itself. These brighten up my day.

    I hope your week starts looking up. If it doesn’t, go save all the kittens. You can’t be sad as the crazy cat lady. (I’d suggest lots of litter too. And MAYBE some air fresheners. But it’s up to you.)

  491. Anything.

  492. 494
    Jessica Stygles

    You are so spectacularly funny in the weirdest, most awesome sense of the word.

    My teenage daughter HATES to read, but she loves your blog and is also awesomely weird so we bond over your posts. She has named a (small) metal chicken at her boyfriend’s house Beyonce (in your honor) – and regularly shows me pictures of taxidermied animals…so if you ever need an assistant or intern, I may have just the girl for you. :)

  493. The other day my husband and I were driving down a dirt road and all of the sudden, there was a duckling in the road. Like it was magically transported to the road by some time machine or something. I tried to catch it, but it wasn’t having any of that. I assume it was on a very important mission. I just thought you should know.

    Allison recently posted Author Interview - London Casey.

  494. I fucking love you! You’re so damn funny! :D

  495. It sucks balls that you are having a rough time. From one crazy person to another I send you good thoughts.

  496. Monkeys

  497. 499
    Angela Morris

    So I have your book and it’s already signed by you (and I have a photo to prove it) BUT I’m in this amazing little Nerd Board of Awesomeness on Facebook where all we talk about all day is Doctor Who, Sherlock Holmes, Dexter, internet memes, video games and various superheroes. I’m 100000% positive everyone would be falling all over themselves to get a signed copy of your book since YOU’RE ONE OF US (whether you realize it or not). I kinda want to see what would happen if I dangled your book in front of them….kind of like a “what would you do-oo-ooo for a Klondike Bar” situation.

  498. I always answer the phone when it rings, but I don’t make a great effort to call back when a call is dropped, especially if I’m driving. My husband is left to believe I was killed in a firey crash. Sorry, husband.

  499. I never answer my phone either and it makes my husband crazy. I always tell him that it’s rude to answer the phone when you’re on a date. Somehow this does make him any less angry.

    mrs c recently posted The first first.

  500. I would love to have a copy of your book and I want to let you know I think you are absolutely hilarious!

  501. 503
    Emily Mc

    Narwhals in unitards eating gelato.

  502. 504
    MizWeirdo

    This is now probably one of my all-time favourite posts. I’m laughing like a damn hyena at work, and I also snort when I laugh, so basically I sound like a totally messed-up hyena-pig hybrid. As if the people at my office didn’t already think I was totally batshit insane. THANKS, JENNY.

    (No seriously – thanks. I love how often you make me laugh, and it’s always right when I need it!)

  503. I’d love a copy of your book! (Who’s Neil Gaiman?)

  504. Dear, you made me laugh and in my really shitty depressing week – that is saying something.

    Kiss Victor because I said so.
    And kiss Hailey
    and kiss the kitty cats
    and kiss the metal rooster….. (take a pic of that…. and tweet it… it might make me laugh again)

    I have had a couple of really great people pass away this week and I would like to just bury my head and cope, but life must go on for me ….. Thanks to you and a few other really amazing people I know I will find the happiness in this world again.

  505. 507
    Jennifer Uribe

    This post made me laugh so hard. It’s like I’m Victor and you are my husband. Wait. That sounds weird.
    Anyway, I hope things get better soon!

  506. I too have phone avoidance syndrome. But seriously, isn’t that what voicemail is for?

  507. 509
    Gidget johnson

    You are awesome! Ive been hooked on your blog since I read about Beyounce. In fact, my teacher coworkers and I have a little glass chicken figurine that we randomly leave in each others classroom at odd places with the note saying “knock knock”. :) Thank you for the entertainment!

  508. I too always get yelled at for not answering my phone. My responses are never this clever…thanks for the tips!

  509. My husband used to get peeved about me not answering the phone – until his acted up one day and he didn’t get any messages until after he’d been home 15 minutes. That is what it took for him to understand that it isn’t always my fault. Well, that, and me threatening to block his number because being cursed by him was the last thing I needed after a horrible day of back to back meetings at work when I couldn’t even turn my phone on until I was on my way home.

  510. I want my relationship to eventually get to you and Victor levels of awesome. I also want a signed copy of your book. :)

  511. 513
    Jennifer

    I am yelled at all the time for not answering my phone. This was a fun read for me…lol

  512. 514
    DevyMama

    I already own your book, but I agree – Neil Gaiman is amazing. I just started reading his work. I’ve read “The Graveyard Book” and “Neverwhere” and am getting ready to start “American Gods”. REALLY enjoying his writing style and I love his characters. Even though the worlds he writes about are fictional, the personality traits of his characters are such that if I met Door or Bod in person, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least. They FIT.

  513. I never answer my phone either. My husband always yells. Sometimes he calls my daughter to get her to find me so that I will answer my phone. I will now start using all these excuses in their correct order.

    Mary recently posted Santa Carolina Carmenere.

  514. I have the same problem with my parents. Actually the only time I answer the first time they call is if they wake me up and I’m too sleepy to realize it’s not the alarm clock and then I am less-than-half awake anyway.
    Why would you call me when I sleep, seriously? It’s not like everybody gets up before 9….

  515. OMG! ME! Just once… please for the love of god… ME! okay, it actually has been me one other time… I got a red dress from you…. which was fucking awesome… and I have your book on my kindle… but I want it to be me… right now… this week… jesus

    Kerry :) recently posted Internet… Meet my paint room.

  516. 518
    Shelley Hamilton

    I totally channeled you this past weekend and texted my husband to death while I was laying down and he was playing video games…I so should have kept those texts

  517. 519
    Karen in WA

    My hubs can never reach me on my cell phone because it’s usually sitting in my purse totally dead because I always forget to charge it. Drives him nuts!

    Also, it’s very difficult to type when you have a cat pinning down your left wrist and you have to reach over him with your right arm because he refuses to move from his spot between you and your keyboard with his butt on the mouse pad. And I can’t bring myself to move him because he’s got his nose tucked under his paw and he’s PURRING.

    Here, I took a picture: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10201145932319925&set=a.2945721011590.2151042.1518212296&type=1&theater

  518. I have actually had similar conversations with my husband about my non-answering of the phone. That ring is SO jarring and sometimes I’m napping and do not want to be disturbed. Well, actually. waking me up before I’m ready is like taking your life in your own hands against a very hungry velociraptor. It’s not a good idea.

    I’d love to win a copy of your book. I have been trying to find it in our local bookstores, but have been unsuccessful. I currently have it on order with the library.

  519. sometimes i don’t know who i love more..you or victor….

    if i get win the book please tell me in advance so i can choose if i want your signature or victors

    =)

  520. So Funny! I have your book and loved it. Pick me anyway.

  521. 523
    Valori Chapman

    HAHAHA!! You are a hero. Keep up the good work.

  522. I’m pretty sure this week has just been a huge shitstorm for everyone. And also SUPER insomnia-y. Insomniatic. All the insomnies in the attics, which are totally real things.

    Also, if kittens go extinct, Obama and I are going to have WORDS.

    Jessica recently posted Are you there, God? It’s me. I’m so fucked up..

  523. 525
    Rachel Y.

    I’m sad that you are having a hard time this week. And also, don’t go to a hospital if you’re allergic to latex. That place is chock full of latex and not everyone is careful about not inducing anaphylaxis. I know you don’t really know me, but I love you and I hope that comment won’t send you hiding in the bathroom. <3

  524. You are hilarious. I love you as much as a baby loves toes. Or whatever it is that babies love. I don’t have kids. DON’T JUDGE ME.

    MsHazard recently posted I’m reading mommy blogs..

  525. 527
    Laura Kennedy

    Anything.

  526. 528
    Erin Wray

    Thanks for giving me some answers for my husband when he asks me why I don’t ever answer my phone. Hilarious!

  527. I love your posts. Always a way to brighten up my day.

  528. I put on lipstick this morning thinking it was actually Carmex, so now I look like the Joker.

    I would love a signed copy of your book. I have it on my Kindle, but the REAL THING would be great because I think I’ll want to reference stuff in the future and I’m more of a post-it note kind of gal.

    Hope that spontaneous combustion stuff wasn’t too painful. I hear that sucks.

    Jules recently posted Cats Are Cool..

  529. I can haz book, please? Also, I never answer my phone. It is a device for texting and internetting, not talking. Also, kittens are nice.

  530. I already have your book! But I can always use $15.

    Allie recently posted Milky Way Galaxy: A Cocktail Experiment.

  531. seriously why wouldn’t you want more time before knowing he’s dead? at least then they might send a hot police officer to tell you in person. Hope your week gets better!

    Kitty recently posted Let's talk (knitting) needles.

  532. I’ll just tele you later

  533. Hugs from the internet are much less “strangle-y”

  534. I’m definitely going to try some of your answers next time my family complains that I don’t answer my phone.

    Fern Chasida recently posted 10 years.

  535. I love you!!! Thanks for the awesome book and thanks for the giveaway!!

    Allison recently posted The Soundtrack to my Life.

  536. This is my comment.

  537. You should get your kid an ant farm. I hear they’re awesome now.

    Krista recently posted C.H.A.U.D. or Things go Horribly Awry at the Ant Rave..

  538. 541
    Michelle C

    Loved this post! My husband NEVER answers his phone. At the very least he should get more creative when I ask why. He only says he didn’t hear it, which is not entertaining at all…

  539. I would love a copy of the book so I can keep the signed copy and give away my old copy with tear stains (from laughing so hard) to a friend! Huge thanks for doing what you do!

    McKenzie Day recently posted My Last Performance in Quito.

  540. My husband went the childish route and didn’t answer his phone for 3 days. This included not responding to text messages. We spoke in the interim, but when I blew a gasket and yelled at him he was all, “see how it feels” and I was all, “but YOU are the considerate one!” And I did end up calling him childish. Amazing I’m still married.

  541. Awesome!! I’m in the middle of reading it now!

  542. My kid never answers the phone.. like ever. So bleeping annoying… so the I decided not to answer his call one day. BOY I wish I did.. came home to find his girlfriend in the shower.. his call was to warn me.. yeah.. Thanks man…

  543. 546
    Don Walker

    Victor,

    Just text her dude. Way less stress.

  544. goo goo g’joob

    –the walrus

    steph recently posted My Garden, Scavenged.

  545. I think this is why my husband and I have given up the pretense of civility and just text message.

  546. 549
    Carmen Barajas

    You guys crack me up!

  547. Thanks for making my friend and I laugh today!

    I actually lent my book out to someone and it was never returned. They probably are holding it hostage and it is duct taped and gagged right now waiting for my ransom.

    I should really keep a list of who i lend my books out too!

    Come to South Jersey on a book tour please!!!!!!!!!!!

  548. I have similar conversations with my husband about answering my phone…well maybe not quite like your conversations, but similar. And why doesn’t he just text?
    PS Pick me! Pick me! I already have a copy of your book which I read in a public place and humiliated myself by laughing hysterically outloud, but I will give that copy away to a good friend who deserves a pick-me-up and keep for myself the autographed copy!

  549. I’ve already read your book, but I’d love to have a copy to give to my therapist, to remind her that there are people out there who are harder to treat than me. :)

  550. Victor should thank his lucky stars you even take your phone with you when you’re out. I call MrB when he’s doing the shopping to tell him not to forget the really vital thing I forgot to put on the list and hear the phone ringing on the kitchen table. Every. Time.

    Alison recently posted Mostly about greens, part 2.

  551. 554
    Jen5253 Range

    My hubby would sympathize and relate to Victor because I also hate answering the phone. But I figure that if it was really important, they would leave several messages or send someone to the knock on the door. But actually… I am even worse about that and never answer my door, so I guess I’m screwed either way. LOL

  552. 555
    Tamara B

    Thank you for being so totally awesome! You rock!!

  553. 556
    deafgimp

    PS. I was serious when I said I’d teach you basic taxidermy and we can make sweet, sweet stuffed dead bodies together.

  554. Answering phones is highly overrated (mostly because I never charge mine and the battery’s always dead).

    Hope your week gets less shitty…

  555. A signed copy would be ever better then the electronic and paperback copies I have

  556. 559
    Sara Cooney

    Am I the only one who is all nervous that they’ll win the signed book with some lame comment and everyone will be all “Gah! Don’t give that crappy commenter a book!”? But then you don’t care because hey! Free signed book!

  557. 1. I bought your book in ADVANCE, via pre-order on Amazon. That’s how amazing I think you are.

    2. This is really an awesomely funny (and totally relatable) post. I was laughing out loud (almost snorting) for most of it, until I started weeping a little when I realized I’ll never write a post that’s close to being this funny.

    3. Thanks for that.

    Kristin @ Keenly Kristin recently posted Who do they think I am? The Bloggess?.

  558. 561
    Ann Rountree

    Conversation with Hubby right before he went to bed:

    Hubby: “I’m loving this new deodorant. It lasts all day!”
    Me: “Where did you get it?”
    Hubby: “The gas station, just as a back up, here, smell my pits.”

    Me: “Ok. Smells like deodorant. When did you put it on?”
    Hubby: “This morning. You don’t like it? It can’t be any worse than my CPAP.”
    Me: “It makes you smell like a grampa. Your CPAP is way sexier than grampa deodorant. At least that way I can visualize you as an alien and role play…”

  559. 562
    PantherAlyxx

    I loved your book, of course. So I got it for my insane and impossible mother for Mother’s day. She called me an hour later to say she’d read a huge bit of it, and she was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe. She has COPD and is on Oxygen. See, you are trying to kill my mother. This may be another vote in your favor.

  560. Thanks, for adding a laugh to my own sort of shitty week.

  561. 564
    Emily Harting

    My job stinks. I have to write about torture, Guantanamo, sexual abuse, discrimination, racism, human rights violations, corporate greed, corruption, and the erosion of the United States Constitution among other things on a daily basis. It’s for a good cause but it gets really, really damn hard. I take breaks throughout the day (so I don’t throw myself out the window) and one of my favorite breaks is reading your posts. They always make me laugh out loud. So thank you. I’ve also purchased 4 or 5 copies of your book (one for myself but then I keep lending it to people and letting them keep it to share w/ their husband or friend or Mom or whatever).

  562. Always drink upstream from the herd.

    Robert recently posted hello.

  563. I would have called, but know that would be fruitless. So here’s my comment. Pick me!

  564. Answering phones on the first call is a sign of weakness, Victor!

  565. 569
    Stephanie

    This is the first time I’ve ever read your blog. I’m so glad a friend of mine linked to it. Congrats to you on your best-seller, and on your good taste (liking Neil Gaiman).

  566. Well, he hasn’t stopped trying to call, so there is maybe a small inkling of hope.

    crissym recently posted Finished!.

  567. My cat refuses to cuddle with my husband, but willingly shoves his face into my armpits to nap. I think it’s because he recognizes my superior taste in reading materials, and, being a cat, can’t think of a better way to encourage me. (Except by bringing me dead things, which he intermittently tries. When it fails to get a pleased response, he goes back to cuddling my armpits.)
    (Not that armpit cuddling gets him a pleased response, but at least it doesn’t get him locked outside.)
    The point is, a copy of your book would make us both very happy – I can read while he shoves his face into my pits.

  568. (Insert witty comment here)

    (You are way better at this than I am)

    Thanks,

    Jeff

  569. 573
    Susan S.

    I just got a new phone. It’s a smart phone. My first one. It might be smarter than me. Maybe I shouldn’t answer it. It might answer itself.

  570. I love your book, but I’d adore giving it to my local library so I can share the insanity… after I pass it around to my closest friends… wow that sounds a bit gross. but still.

    Jill recently posted How is it almost June already?.

  571. Shitty weeks are shitty. Here are baby pandas on a slide, to restore your faith in the world.

  572. 576
    renae in texas

    you’re hilarious all the time, 24/7!

  573. Just because you have a phone, doesn’t mean you have to answer it… My husband & I just ext each other. then he doesn’t misunderstand what I asked him to get from the store… ;-)

  574. 578
    Lynnetta

    Hey, can I have a copy of your book? I already have one of Neil’s books and I’d like to put yours on the shelf next to “Coraline.” Thanks.

  575. Lol!!!! I’m totally going to get fired for not getting any work done. Too funny!!!!

  576. Did you know that David Tennant played Casanova? I found this earlier today and I think I may need to order it based solely on the DVD cover.

  577. My husband used to complain that I never answered my phone, either. Which I didn’t, because I never did seem to hear it ring. Now I’ve changed to the loudest, most annoying ring tone ever so I do hear it. The problem is, now he hates it when anyone else calls me.

  578. RING RING RING!!

  579. LOVE your blog. It brightens up my day when I read it!
    Thanks for being a quirky you…

  580. Your secret “I’ve been kidnapped and I’m being held hostage in a warehouse” code word should be “Pineapple”. Because it’s so easy to bring up in every day conversation.

  581. You are the bomb diggity! I cannot believe how funny you are !

  582. Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.

    Tyler Tork recently posted How is Shakespeare Like a Porcupine?.

  583. I like reading your posts on FB, they make me laugh. That’s it, can I just have the book?

  584. You would’ve like Charlotte- she lived her life under a bathroom sink and only came out for food or to love you when you were using the potty- it’s not like your hands were busy or anything!

  585. I’m not sure who is more rude. Victor or the phone. They both owe you an apology for being rude and interrupting your personal time. Also, you need to get a tape recorder of Wil Wheaton saying basic things like “Hey” “How are ya?” “You mad, bro?” “Pull my finger..” I figure this way, the next time Victor calls you, you can just play the Wil Wheaton sound clips and he can have a maddening conversation with a soundboard.

  586. i REALLY want to own your book… and show off how autographed it is. :)

    Jules recently posted mama..

  587. My sister put this as a the message to my mom’s cell phone. “You’ve reached *****, who has probably lost her phone, and has no clue what is going on. Bye now!”
    And most of the time, that is true.

  588. 592
    April Sattison

    Text. You need text. Much easier to ignore and answer in you own time frame. Just sayin…. my aunt never answers the phone, you can call 50 bazillion times and she won’t answer, but text her and she responds fairly quickly (considering how long you would be calling, which is eternity)

  589. 593
    Linda McK

    Yay! My darling daughter would love me forever if I won a signed copy of your book! :D

  590. 594
    Adventure Nell

    Stop calling your wife. kind obvious she doesn’t wanna talk to you…seriously

  591. This is a comment.

  592. Please dont answer your phone, I never answer mine, if someone wants me they have to text. This way i can say the FAMOUS author Jenny Lawson never answers her phone, so clearly it is the right thing to do. I already have your book, so when i win this thing, I want another one, so i can give it away to someone that in my opinion needs it. I have already given 3 copies away. Just my way of spreading good cheer.

  593. Pick me!! I love your blog! My friend never answers her phone…sending to her now.

  594. How long will it be before Victor lives in a padded room. Once the over/under is set, who is taking the official wagers?

  595. Thanks for all the laughs…I can really relate to some of these posts, as I have had similar conversations with my husband…and children :)

  596. 600
    Daisytails

    The more and more I read your blog the more I wonder how you are in my brain…
    Can’t wait to check out your book too.

  597. Yes, please. I only have the hard-bound version. Poooor meeeee!

  598. This week has been rough for me, too. Hang in there. This shit will get better.

    By the way, your husband’s frustration = me whenever I try to call my mother. She actually texted me once to say she was having surgery in two weeks. It took me a week to get her on the phone to find out what the surgery was for.

  599. Thank you for making me laugh on a most un-laughable day…. :) I’m all prepped with an adult diaper for when I read your book… because I will be laughing so hard I pee myself. That’s what I get for pushing out two kids. Adult diapers.

  600. Well deserved success.

  601. Pick me. Randomly!

  602. 606
    Susan Boring (yes, really my last name)

    Your blogs make every single day a little brighter!

  603. I hope you don’t get your face eaten off by horses! But that does remind me of a dead horse story. A friend of my family’s horse died, and they decided to bury it in the field behind their house. But apparently they didn’t bury it deep enough, and a while later, rigor mortis set in and the horse’s legs stuck straight out of the ground. All four of them, hoofs pointed skyward. And so their solution was to go out there with a chainsaw and saw off the horse’s legs and rebury them next to the rest of the horse.

    So that’s my comment!

  604. This Canadian thanks you for still blogging while having a shitty week.
    You came to Toronto on your book tour and I am still upset that I didn’t push through my anxiety to drive into the city to see and hear you. If you ever come this far north again (I so hope you do!!) I will make a valiant effort to see you in action. ~Melanie

  605. 609
    Victor (not yours)

    Do you really fuck with your husband like that on the phone? AWESOME! I’m going to have to get my sister to read this post. She’d love some of your ideas.

  606. I recently discovered that I love Neil Gaiman. I was traumatized a while back by a short story he wrote & was afraid to read anything else he wrote, but my husband finally talked me into trying something else of his, and I’m so glad I did!

  607. Will a simple ((((((((((hug))))))))))) do ? I hope your week gets better….

  608. 612
    Fat Baby

    Thank you for posting this. It provided many laughs for my office. Also, it allowed me to share my secret code in case I ever get kidnapped. Had I not read this today, they never would have known if I was hypothetically in trouble. : )

  609. 613
    shannon c.

    Quite hilarious. I’d love a signed copy :)

  610. Sorry to be nosy, but since you brought it up first, why is Victor calling you so much during the day? What could he possibly need? Doesn’t he know you should be working? Again, sorry to be nosy. Also, sorry for all the apologies. I’m Canadian and, well, some stereotypes hold up.

    Beatnik Mary recently posted Beyond the Solar System: Exploring Galaxies, Black Holes, Alien Planets, and More: A History with 21 Activities, by Mary Kay Carson.

  611. I need more copies of your book.

  612. You always always ALWAYS make my stomach hurt I laugh so hard! THANKS….Here’s my something random that my 30 yr old daughter posted on my FB page… I think she was channeling YOU!… “Balloons are so weird…”Happy birthday! Here, have a rubber sack of my breath.”

    Have a GREAT Weekend…I hope kittens are not extinct anytime soon….

  613. I’m just going to leave this rather apropos Tim Minchin clip here for ya:

    Strangely enough, Victor is Tim Minchin in this scenario.

  614. I’m keeping my useless Blackberry. My useless phone can take all the blame for Menotti answering.

  615. Oh my effing God, that is absolutely hilarious!! I love those conversations!

    I’m sorry that you’re having a bad week but your publisher is a super hero for saving the day :) I’ve read your book but would love a signed copy. I’ll pass my current copy on to somebody who could use a laugh

    Kat recently posted Water Woes.

  616. Sorry things suck. Hope it gets better.

  617. About anything? Well. I was *not* kidnapped by aliens today, nor was I probed. I think that makes it a good day. My 6 yo son says its a good day because he got his first ribbons from summer swim team. He tried to call his Dad to tell him, but Dad’s voice mail was full. I mention this because not only does Dad rarely answer his phone but he also never listens to his voice mail. I’ve stopped leaving him voice mail. I still call.

    I’d worship a signed copy of your book – build it an altar and everything.

  618. I’m so sorry for all the suckatude you’ve been enduring – not least of which is the damn phone thing.

    I answer phones all day at work and I HATE IT. I am NOT answering phones for FREE on MY OWN DAMN TIME.
    Drives my husband crazy. Not Victor crazy, but close.

    I laughed so hard while reading your book, I cried twice and almost wet myself once. Thanks for that.

  619. I am totally Victor in this scenario. If only my SO’s responses were as entertaining.

  620. You are better than a glass of wine at the end of the day. You are so awesome that I have shared your blog with everyone I know because you are like crack. Once you start reading this blog, you get pissed until your next fix.

  621. Neil Gaiman is pretty much the best ever. But you are pretty awesome, too. :)

  622. I already have your book on my kindle (and LOVED it!)! I’m mostly entering this contest for a friend of mine who has been wanting to read it but doesn’t have a copy.. or a kindle! ;)

  623. You are awesome and I love you and I really really REALLY want a signed copy of your book!

  624. 628
    Leslie Scoopmire

    I am Victor, but my husband is SO totally not as hilarious as you, which would still not make me want to kill him when he doesn’t pick up the damn phone or when he forgets to charge the damn phone to begin with so that he has an excuse (he thinks) for not answering the damn phone. Damn phone.

  625. 629
    Shanna H

    I’m so grateful for your book and your blog. You keep me sane. Thank you. I am so happy to hear that the book is doing so well. I loved it:)

  626. I already have your book, but I would love another copy. I would love them equally. No Favourites. Unless one was signed.

  627. you guys are some kind of amazing….

    sorry about the shit week. I’ll be watching my cat closely.

    danielle recently posted Cookie Dough Fro-Yo; No machine required..

  628. I always answer my phone…when it’s charged, I have chargers everywhere and yet still cannot manage to keep it charged…the first gift my husband ever bought me while we were dating was a car charger, still failed :(

  629. 633
    Zenthia Rocque

    I really do adore you. Just so you know. You have caused me a great deal of pain.
    Last year I almost died, dr.s kept telling me there was nothing serious wrong despite multiple attempts to get help. They finally took it seriously when I was 24 hours from death. I had to have emergency surgery and I was in the hospital a long time. The surgeon was a hackjob and cut me from stem to sternum pretty much, so you can imagine coughing, sneezing, moving was agonizing. But so was laughing. But I was in the hospital, alone, depressed and angry…I needed something to cheer me up. So I decided to re-read your entire blog. The pain meds did nothing against my outbursts of laughter and then sobs of pain but it was worth it. Totally cheered me up and made my long hospital stay bearable. So thank you for that! <3

  630. Funniest conversations ever…I’m totally going to steal these excuses.

    Jennifer W recently posted Scratch Jr's 1 Yr Pictures.

  631. I bought a bunch of shoes (yes, I am random and bought like 26 pairs of shoes..) only to realize I don’t really need 26 pairs of shoes. Some are being sold on ebay, but I’ve been listing them on there for like 3 months now and no nibbles. They are brand new in box… you should totally take it upon yourself to help me sell my shoes lol. PS… your blog rocks :) ps… my ebay SN thing is lilrussianpistel
    :)

  632. 636
    hanniebecky

    I want you to come over for tea. You make me feel okay about being me with your posts.

    Also, I was singing songs from A Chorus Line today while I was working in my yard and my neighbor laughed so hard he dropped all his mail. I don’t know how to take that.

  633. I’m totally stealing some of these for when my husband asks why I don’t answer my phone. I’m hoping for the reaction where he forgets what he wanted. ;)

  634. 638
    Kathleen

    I hope horses don’t eat your face – it would be hard for Victor to stuff you and put you in the bed next to him so he doesn’t sleep alone at night. I am allergic to latex as well. I had oxygen with my last child (c-section) and I broke out with a rash and blisters all over my face. Tell Victor paper tape is the way to go. It isn’t as durable, but , hey, no allergies.

  635. Answering the phone is overrated. I have a distinct aversion to it.

    Why does he call you so much anyway? Seriously.

    Jen recently posted Some blasts from the past.

  636. I’m broke and you’re funny. I want to read your book but the motherfriggin library has a waiting list 40,008 people long (see what I did there? I can count) and only one copy because I live in a tiny ass town with a tiny ass library. I myself am writing the story of my semi-hilarious, semi-unentertaining journey through life as a mom in the form of a book that will never get written because I work so damn much. So, I probably won’t even have time to read your book if you send it to me, but I have this table that my mom got me for Christmas with one broken chair and one that wobbles, and I could use your book to prop up the crappy wobbly leg. Just being honest. Or funny. You pick.
    (PS I do love your blog)

  637. 641
    Nicole Towarnicki

    i love your writing.

  638. Tell him you were too busy doing your workout to answer the phone. Got to keep yourself trim and beautiful for him with Prancercise!

  639. I made my ring tone “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye. Now when the phone rings, I tilt my head and say, “Ahhhh, the phone’s ringing.” Not that I answer it more often, but it does wonders for my mood. In fact, sometimes I just want to grab a beer and sit on the porch and listen to my phone ring.

    Coco recently posted You Can Always Flee The Scene Before They Kick You Out.

  640. My husband never answers his phone though, in his defense, he is walking around with what may be the first Blackberry ever purchased by the Army so I suppose I should cut him some slack. Or maybe not…. Our conversations, however, are not nearly as hysterical as yours and Victor’s!

  641. I’m with you…I rarely answer my phone and people seem so annoyed by that. If you don’t like it that I don’t answer, stop calling me. There…problem solved ;)

    Shannon recently posted The Weight Problem I Never Had.

  642. I’m SO glad Twitter suggested that I follow you a couple of days ago because it led me to read this post. It made me smile so much…poor Victor! I worry when people repeatedly don’t answer the phone, especially when it’s a family member. My overactive mind goes into overdrive, imagining something terrible has happened to them.

    I would love to be one of the lucky winners of your book. :D

    Grace @ Cultural Life recently posted Memorial Day.

  643. I’m always so excited with my Top Sites list on Safari has a star beside your site because I know there is another piece of awesome from you! Thanks for making me smile!

  644. 648
    Kerstin Peterson

    My week has been pretty shitty too, and I have wanted to read your book!

  645. You know, my husband gets upset with me over the whole not-answering-the-phone ALL.THE.TIME. and it’s so not my fault that I have a purse the size of a small apartment that it gets lost so that by the time I find the thing, it goes to voice mail.

    So, I suggest you get a purse the size of a small apartment, keep your cell there, and when Victor bitches about your not answering? Tell him you couldn’t get it in time, and that will he PLEASE BE PATIENT while you look for it. Because purses the size of small apartments take some time to look through, especially when there’s like five bazillion recipts, tic tac boxes, various and sundry necessities that you don’t need at the moment (but YOU MIGHT!).

    see? everyone wins!

    oh, and so not suprised by your book doing so well, because it’s farking awesome. so there!

  646. 650
    Hope Tree

    Have you lost your towel? Lost towel = shitty week. Actually, I really should go look for my towel, its absence is probably why I’ve been so anxious this week.

  647. I am allergic to Duct Tape as well. I hope I never get taken hostage in a bank. Bank robbers always duct tape hostages’ mouths.

    William recently posted Rainbow Connection.

  648. 652
    Rebecca Z.

    My girlfriends and I absolutely LOVE your blog!! I have made it my mission to introduce as many friends as possible to the zany wonderfulness that is Jenny Lawson. I would be over the moon if I received a signed copy of your book- please send it right away ;-)

  649. I think you’re fabulous, and I’m so sorry you’ve had such a horrible week. I wish you the very best.

  650. YOU CRACK ME UP!!!!! And always when I need it most.

  651. I always think to myself “Why am I reading this???” And then I laugh. Nice work Jenny.

  652. Man, I’d love a copy of your book. I honestly can’t remember the last time I read a book for fun, but yours seems pretty fun!

    Fia recently posted Orange Ginger Roasted Duck.

  653. I’m glad to know I’m not the only crazy person in Texas. You always bring a smile to my day. Thanks, Jenny!

  654. You make me laugh every time I read your blog. And you almost made me pee my pants in the parking lot at work once. I had been listening to LPTNH audio version on my commute and it happened to be the chapter where you were on the toilet after ODing on exlax and thought someone was in your house trying to kill you. BEST. COMMUTE. EVER. Thanks for sharing all your awesomeness, Jenny!

  655. I hope your week gets better. Also, I would love a real paper copy of your book, since I only have a digital version.

  656. I don’t think the horses will bother you, but watch out for the garden gnomes!

  657. OMG! I have had similiar conversations with my own husband! He’ll leave these blustery message about why are you not answering your damned phone! Then I have to call him back with some snarky response. I appreciate your help in this area. Now I just have to wait for his next call….

    Lelain de Peche recently posted Moving - Part 1 - April 22, 2013.

  658. Neil Gaiman is AWESOME! I’m reading American Gods right now. If I didn’t have to work, I’d be reading the last chapter right now! Ugh – work, it gets in the way of reading addictive books.

    Thanks for a hilarious post!

    Ashley C. recently posted FYI: Ministry On A Wall.

  659. Oh my God my boyfriend never answers his phone, it drives me nuts. Victor, I know that feel, bro.

  660. First off, sorry your week sucks, BIG HUG. Second, thank you for thinking like me or me like you, whichever. I tried to tell my sister about my code words I would use on the phone in case I was abducted and held at gunpoint. She looked at me like I was nuts (a frequent occurrence) and asked “Why would anyone kidnap you?” Apparently not everyone thinks these things are necessary. Clearly, they are wrong. Congrats on your 3 months on the list.

  661. Yes – the implication in that last post is that I’m reading your blog during work…..heh

    Ashley C. recently posted FYI: Ministry On A Wall.

  662. I too am a non-cell phone answerer.

    KathrynR recently posted anotherfoodieblogger’s Top 10 Recipes.

  663. 667
    Kristen T

    I’d love a copy of your book since the one slated to be loaned to me (by my little sister) now lives in london.

    PS – my wife never answered her phone either until I bought her an iPhone. Now at least I know she has her phone with her even if she doesn’t answer it and if she was dead I’d use the find my iPhone feature to find her and undead her so I could yell at her for not answering her phone to tell me she was dead.

  664. 668
    Jeanne Griffith

    I love Neil Gaiman. Not only does he write the best Doctor Who episodes, he is largely responsible for the existence of Harry Potter. Also, hope your week improves greatly.

  665. 669
    Anonymous

    Ha. My phone is normally at home, safe in the drawer. And besides, its like the oldest “senior version” of a flip phone that does nothing but vibrate and take voice mail, and keep time. Now why have you NOT found the story about a man KILLED by a beaver. Because you would totally make that into something hilarious, and there I’d be weasiling off again!

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-22707094

  666. 670
    Terry Whitaker

    Thank you thank you thank you for never failing to bring a smile to my face. :)

  667. 671
    TehTimmah

    Well, technically, I own two copies of your book now. Though I have no idea where the hard cover version is, if it still exists, or even if the girl who had it still exists. So instead of you giving me an autographed copy, what if I mailed it to you and a Canadian $20, and you can sign it instead, and frame the $20, because I imagine most of Texas has not seen money as cool and futuristic as Canadian bills

  668. Ha! Funny enough I was just reading a Neil Gaiman book {well more like a short story} the other day :)

  669. 673
    Elizabeth

    I laughed so hard I cried.

  670. I have your book but I would love to get a signed copy, and I clearly need to step up my game with my responses to my hubby when he gets mad at me for not answering my phone. Hilarious!

  671. Since you already signed my copy of your book, I’ll use the money I’m going to win to buy Neil’s latest , The Ocean at the End of the Lane when it comes out here in Murka.

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.

  672. 676
    Michelle G

    This just made my crappy day at work so much better, thanks!!!

  673. 677
    Rachel F

    You are fucking awesome! What else needs to be said! Well maybe aliens have invaded my body..or my dog hates beer..but like I said you are awesome :)

  674. 678
    Lindsay Barker

    I swear I’ll buy the book myself soon! And my one purchase will keep it on the list for another week. Yay!

  675. I live for your conversations with Victor!!!

  676. I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t always answer the phone. Thanks for making me laugh.

  677. I hate talking on the phone- it’s always weird and full of awkward pauses. I’m so much better when I can write. And kittens aren’t going to go extinct, because all felines have sworn a solemn oath to be as unhelpful as possible, and going extinct would be more helpful than lying in your path when your arms are full.

  678. 682
    Laura H.

    I’m exhausted today because I was up at 5am to take my sister to LAX and traffic in LA is ridiculous and I’m not sure why I’m surprised.

    I’m a grump, thanks for the laugh :)

  679. 683
    Stephanie

    Now I have to google Neil Gaiman.

  680. 684
    S. is for Superstsar

    Uhh, who’s this Neil guy?

  681. You should know that right now I’m holding an orange kitten in my hands and I will smother her in gourmet mustard and eat her if I can’t have a signed copy of your book.

    I mean it.

    Right meow.

    Mmmm. Yummy mustardy orange kitty. NOMNOMNOM

    Caroline Burau recently posted Crazy Cat Lady Disease. It’s a thing..

  682. 686
    Michelle

    It was through Neil Gaiman that I found you!!!!

  683. 687
    Mathew Palzewicz

    I love reading your blog and your book. :) Always brings a smile to my face.

  684. I’ve laid down for a nap and hubby has called the police to come check on my when I didn’t answer. How’s that for over reacting? lol would LOVE a copy of you book

  685. My family actually stopped calling since I never answered. It’s kind of nice. Peaceful. But in my defense, I work in a room with like 3 other people so I leave my phone on silent. I can’t help being polite people!

  686. I never answer my phone either. I figure that if it’s important, they’ll leave a message, call back or text. Either way, I get the information I need without answering my phone.

    Nicole recently posted Down the rabbit hole.

  687. 691
    Whitney M.

    Still procrastinating and haven’t bought your book yet. Do me a favor and pick me so I do t have to procrastinate anymore? Thanks!

  688. 692
    Jessica Shaffer

    I would love a copy of your book. I read your blog and follow you on twitter, just need the book to make it complete. :) I don’t read much, but simmer is coming and I need something to do while sittingoutside with the kids. Keep up the hilariousness. Yes, it’s a word.

  689. Hi Jenny

    COULD YOU PRETTY PLEASE RANDOMLY PICK UP MY COMMENT ????? I offered my niece your book for Xmas and she hasn’t even lent it to me yet !!!
    So I could tell her I don’t need hers anymore ‘cos I have a better one !!!!!
    I live in France but shipping for one book is no big deal, is it?

    thank you sooo much
    mimi

  690. I put my phone on vibrate and then leave it in the car. This got me a new phone because apparently my old phone wasn’t ringing which is why I could never hear it. My new phone seems to have the same problems, only I always turn the ringer down and then leave it in my car. Or that one time it ended up in the washing machine. I blame all those dirty texts….

  691. I’m a non phone answering wife also. It makes my Husband INSANE… It’s not like I’m meaning to ignore him though… I just have really wide hips and the sound of my ringer doesn’t seem to reach from my back pocket around The Hips and up to my ears… I’ve tried putting it on vibrate and that doesn’t seem to work either, I’m also going to blam that on The Hips… I think my phone needs a “tase” or a “stun” option…

    Kim recently posted When to Call in Sick….

  692. I can related to Victor on this one… :) Congrats on your book – I definitely enjoyed it!

  693. Your book is one of two memoirs I’ve really enjoyed. The other is Lidia Yuknavitch’s A Chronology Of Water, which is a lot less slapstick. Both ripped me up and help me understand my famliy.

  694. Love your wit, you sarcastic biatch. You never fail to leave me laughing.

  695. I love your post but this was actually made me smile and laugh out loud. I been feeling down a lot lately so THANK YOU so much!!!

  696. Oh hades, I’m dying. Had to email the link to my mom, so she has ammunition for the next time my brother is pissed she didn’t pick up her phone. You’d think he’d learn by now.

    Jennielynn recently posted Green Summer Smoothie. No Pictures. You’re Welcome, Caroline..

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