I’m sure there are several logical explanations, but it’s still momentarily baffling.


And in less slightly-confusing news, it’s time for this week’s wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the fantabulous folks at VolunteerSpot, a free (free!) web tool that makes organizing parents and volunteers (and volunteering) faster and easier with online sign-up sheets and calendars. It’s perfect for if you want to help out at your kids’ school but you don’t love the reply-all email hell it always involves. And even if you don’t have something to volunteer for right now, if you take the pledge to volunteer, your school will automatically be entered to win $1500 bucks. Check them out here.

108 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’ve been practicing typing with my mind. Here’s how it’s going.

    Yep, nothing yet, but it’ll come I’m sure of it. Oh, by the way, the munchkin wanted me to share her new thing. Well, it’s old by now but it’s still her thing.

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  2. Kid snippets is one of the funniest things I’ve seen on the internets in awhile!

    Sharon recently posted On How Easy It Is To Go Back To My Sloth-like Ways.

  3. My google search for why won’t is… “Why won’t Derrick Rose play?”

    I’d rather find out about the typing by osmosis!

  4. I am so glad that you’re showing off Kid Snippets! I’ve been watching them for a while now, and they’ve definitely been a huge laugh relief on though days. 🙂

    (I love that I can watch them all with my kid. I usually have to make her leave the room when I’m on youtube. ~ Jenny)

  5. I usually just plug the computer directly into my brain. Isn’t that how everyone does it?

    Kari recently posted The one app that should never ever EVER have a “share to Facebook” button.

  6. i want all the 10 dollars!

    Mary recently posted Tempranillo Taste Off.

  7. Thank you for posting links to the Kid Snippets and Charlie and the seal. Brightened up my day 🙂

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Marianne the pup - pictures.

  8. Naturally, I immediately went to Google and typed in “why won’t”. My result was “Why won’t anyone dance with me”. It made me simultaneously happy and sad.

    Johi Kokjohn-Wagner recently posted BlogHer 2013- CornFedGirl in the City.

  9. Thanks for great Sunday morning entertainment to go w/ my coffee. The Rainbow mountains are amazing! Will use in my classroom. And the Kid Snippets…adorable!

    Kelli K recently posted Welcome to Oregon.

  10. Clearly, that google search is entirely based on my mother’s searches. Next up…calling the phone company to tell them her phone isn’t working.

    Megly Mc recently posted Hammering and Nailing..

  11. Clearly, that google search is entirely based on my mother’s searches. Next up…calling the phone company to tell them her phone isn’t working.

    Megly Mc recently posted Hammering and Nailing..

  12. “How are you typing that?” is as good a question as “Why does anyone still care about the Kardashians?”
    Or for that matter “Why is Justin Bieber still allowed to run around freely?”
    Thanks for another winner, Jenny.

    The Hook recently posted Truly, I Am Fate’s Bitch..

  13. What is “pink music”? (That was your answer to a question yesterday about what you listen to when you’re writing.)

  14. This is similar to an issue we had where my wife’s computer wouldn’t link up to the wi-fi. First we went through the troubleshooting tool on her computer and finally arrived at: “Use the online resources to further troubleshoot your problem” which was that we couldn’t get online. So, we used my computer to look up possible reasons and the advice we kept getting after entering “cannot connect to internet” was to “download the updated driver to your computer”. The assumption being that everyone has at least two computers to access the internet? Okay, maybe it’s not the same thing but the circular reasoning – I need to go online to download the thing to make it possible for me to go online – just felt the same as your circular issue – i have to type my question about being unable to type my question. And now my head hurts. But really this is all a distraction until they announce who the new FREAKING DOCTOR IS!! GAHHHHH!!!!!

  15. Just thought of another one: “Why doesn’t The Bloggess have her own show?”
    It could be called “1,001 Ways To Make Wil Wheaton Cry.”
    It would be tastefully produced, of course.

    The Hook recently posted Truly, I Am Fate’s Bitch..

  16. And for some strange reason, the seals have creepy British accents. “Oh, Charlie, let’s have a big cuddle pile.” (My fiance is trying to convince me that it’s just in *my* head, but I’m sure someone else thinks that the seals talk like that…)

  17. When I was a teenager there was a product on the market where you could unfreeze your car door locks using only their device and the cigarette lighter in your car.

    I saw the problem with that straight away.

    it only KIND OF relatest to your keyboard not working thingy.

    Ragemichelle recently posted Follow Your Dreams! No Matter How Unattainable They Are!.

  18. hahah yes!

    Chooplah recently posted 7 Signs Your Life Isn't Perfect.

  19. Hi Jenny,
    Not sure if you’ll read this, but I’m just wondering if the person that posted question 43 was and is YOUR husband, Victor. (Hope I’m not sounding stupid, just genuinely curious)

  20. I went to google and typed in “do a barrel roll”. It did, and now I have motion sickness. Thanks, Google.

  21. Those mountain pics are amazing!

    Punky Coletta recently posted Live a life worth fighting for..

  22. I love how Google thinks for me. It is really nice, except when its thoughts are stupid! 😉

    thedoseofreality recently posted Entertaining Your Children Just Got A Whole Lot Easier.

  23. Did you see they announced the next Doctor?!

    Patti B recently posted End of the Tour Wrapup.

  24. 24

    I finished reading your book while I was in the ER waiting to be readmitted for complications from my gallbladder surgery. While I’m telling my mom about your hysterical book and how our gallbladders both decided to kill us this summer, she casually mentions that all of Dad’s side of the family is from Wall and you might know them….or, you might be them. So if you are related to a Wilde, hi family member and if not, we are definitely gallbladder warriors. May summer of 2014 be much better for both of us!

  25. You didn’t finish reading it – it says, “why won’t my keyboard work as a hammer?” Which is odd, because of course it will work as a hammer.

    Anubis Bard recently posted Great Golden Digger Wasp.

  26. Oh google. You never get me.

    Mayor Gia recently posted Walking a Cat.

  27. My google search comes up as “Why won’t anyone dance with me?”

    Uh… probably because you’re on the internet, darling!

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted From beneath.....

  28. So, now I need to add “Seals Laying On Top of Me” to my bucket list. And I don’t understand why the guy just can’t give him someone else’s money. Sounds legal to me.

    whatimeant2say recently posted It’s All Fun and Games Until You Figure Out Where Your Butt Just Ended Up….

  29. My google said “Why won’t anyone talk to me”

    I’m sure no one will respond to this.

  30. thought of you last night and your responses to “how do I write a book” or variations of the same…my mom, my aunt, their cousin and I had an AWESOME idea for a book we had ok 25% worked out the only problem was there was alcohol involved and no one was taking notes…but it was a really really great idea…if we could remeber 1/2 of it…or any of it….sigh

  31. Better yet– ask google to answer an impossible equation and you get porn. This is too bizarre for even my imagination to fabricate!


  32. My mom couldn’t access her email so I reset it for her, but then some page came up in Chinese (which I can’t read), and I emailed the text to her, asking what it read. Took me most of the day to remember she couldn’t get the email I sent because as I already knew, her email was broken.

    Frankie Lawson recently posted Voices Are for Standing Up for Yourself.

  33. With their backup keyboard. Duh.

    Holly Folly recently posted So Half my Driveway is Gone Now..

  34. Good question? Who the hell are these people anyway??

    Courtney recently posted I MAY have thought we had vampires or worse sparkly vampires for neighbors.

  35. I fucking love your pins..

    RageMichelle recently posted Who Renamed My Cheese?.

  36. For me it was “why won’t anyone dance with me”

    Robin recently posted Shinh’s 40 Days to Raid Ready Challenge: Day 1.

  37. On screen keyboard. I have had to type that so, so many times without a keyboard. It’s crazy head-fucky. Kitties, you know? They find all the right (wrong) key combinations.

  38. The seal is cute, but I’m not sure I’d want to be mistaken as Mama Seal. That would be somewhat offensive as I’m already paranoid about my weight.

    Heather Binnie recently posted This feast is totally vegetarian.

  39. I got “Why won’t anyone dance with me”–gee, I already know the answer to that one; I dance like a drunk bear.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Are airlines liable for terrorism?.

  40. I love Kid Snippets, I can’t wait for the guys at BoredShorts TV to roll out Kid History #11.

    The Suzzzz recently posted Watermelon Fail.

  41. Might I suggest if you like kid snippets, you should check out the YouTube videos entitled “conversations with my two year old, as acted out by two grown men.” http://youtu.be/zdtD19tXX30 it’s some of the funniest videos I’ve seen in a while.

  42. This was an awesome little test – my google came up with Why Won’t Anyone Dance With Me?

    The Shitastrophy recently posted Why Rivalries Suck.

  43. Mine was “why won’t my house sell?” Unfortunately, Google knows all about my freakishly small kitchen and skink problem.

    Kris, Neighbor Chick recently posted It is party time.

  44. I also got “why won’t anyone dance with me.”….
    Maybe me and Shitastrophy should dance with each other….

    Anice recently posted I Love It.

  45. I second the suggestion to go watch “Conversations with My Two-Year Old”. Very funny!

  46. 47
    Jennifer in Merville

    My Google autocompletes “why won’t” with “anyone dance with me”. I didn’t click the search results because I’m happier assuming it is because my sick moves put all others to shame.

  47. I am often horrified at what Google thinks I might be thinking…

  48. My google search returned: “Why won’t anyone dance with me?” I am guessing it’s because they are intimidated by my stylin’ moves.

  49. I once did a catering gig at Google in Chicago. Their corporate office has a TV screen that displays what people are Googling RIGHT NOW. All the time. Sometimes I Google things like “porn and peanuts,” just to give them something to consider.

    Also, that fucking seal video is amazing. I want to be snuggled by seals!

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted Eating Gluten-Free at a Conference (Or How I was SO Hungry at BlogHer13, that I Thought About Eating Katie).

  50. I got “why won’t anyone dance with me too” 🙁

    Angela Heidt recently posted Get More Social Media Views in 3 Easy Steps with Time-Targeted Posts.

  51. Would you stuff your pet?

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Being drunk is fun, until it isn't..

  52. I will be pinning from your Kick Ass board since it kicks ass..

  53. You probably already know about this… but if not, I know you’ll appreciate the fact that you can pre-order this lifesize inflatable Tardis! (I have no association with Stupid.com) Someone I love is SO getting one of these for Christmas.

  54. can you just give me some of the other person’s money? yeah, I love that.

    monica recently posted Direct communication is always best, but if you want to leave me a water balloon in the sink I will have to draw my own conclusions..

  55. Well, darn. The link is embedded in my name.

  56. I like that you keep your wine next to your milk (twitter pic of Hunter S.). Me too.

  57. I got the dancing one too. Which breaks my heart some, the thought of so many nubile teenage things, using google to navigate the waters of their budding social awkwardness. I mean, what are they going to do when they’re stuck at third base? Maybe they’ll be making out through their Google Glass.

    Iris recently posted Itsy bitsy.

  58. Mine says
    “Why won’t….anyone dance with me”


    Dad Moon Rising recently posted The Coaching Expirement Begins.

  59. Thank you SO MUCH for introducing me to kid snippets!! This will be my new comic relief. 🙂

  60. When I went to Google, once I go the “why” typed, it gave me “why are zombies popular.” Hello, braiiinnnnnssssss. And Daryl Dixon.

    Shelley recently posted Crazy little things that make me happy.

  61. Huh. “Why won’t God heal amputees?” Hmmm.

    Off to watch Kid Snippets now!

  62. 🙂 your posts always put a smile on my face…been going through a particularly rough spot at the moment. Your AMA session helped me more than you know…some of the answers made me think and how. Thank you!

    Miss Gee recently posted Today you wouldn't want to be me. I don't see why you would want to be me on any other day either. But if you ever wanted to be me? Don't pick today..


    “Convos with my 2yr old”

    Freakin LOVE that show!!

  64. How did I find THIS on the pinterest before you?


    Although they’re all charming, #9 is the one that made me think of you. You know, for those days when a Stetson or fascinator is just too much. As if.

  65. Ooooooooo!!!!! I design throw pillows too! But mine aren’t as universally appealing 😉

    MILF Runner recently posted Training update...because every little bit counts.

  66. Tell me again
    Depression lies—

  67. now I am sad…

    “do I cry when i listen to music”

    “Why won’t”
    “anyone dance with me” – same reason Jenny approved three comments after mine but not mine??


    cass gill recently posted A Special Journey.

  68. I had to try it for myself. Google suggests “why won’t anyone dance with me” and “why won’t Pluto collide with Neptune.” Are these personalized to each person? What makes Google think these are the pressing questions on my mind?

    Also, I’m in love with Kid Snippets. And your blog. And you — it makes my fiancee jealous.

  69. Google thinks we’re all stupid… It’s like when you call your cable provider and they ask you to make sure your box is turned on. Fail for humanity.

    Jean recently posted When Lars and the Real Girl Got Real.

  70. Well obviously I had to Google that. My top answer was: Why won’t God heal amputees.
    The mind, it boggles.

  71. @kw – Depression is a lying bastard and needs to be kicked square in the nutsack.

    Depression LIES. Depression is a lying liar. You are fabulous and more.

  72. My friend found souffle Juanita on Google Images, and had no idea what I meant when I mentioned you. Made me sad.

  73. I’ve always wanted Google to be my boyfriend, it listens and provides you with answers.

    Brigitte Nieberl recently posted Facebook updates - Round 2.

  74. I get “why won’t they talk to me lyrics,” apparently in reference to a song by a band called Tame Impala. I search for song lyrics a lot, so this makes sense that it’s reflected in my predictive searches.

    I was not familiar with the band, so that was some additional Googling. They are from Perth. My favorite parts of their wiki page: They like to think of themselves as “a steady flowing psychedelic groove rock band that emphasizes dream-like melody.” Also: “Their name refers to the impala, a medium sized antelope.”

    Robyn recently posted Ninja mind tricks for the somewhat sensitively inclined: Part 2, Advanced Maneuvers.

  75. Jedi mind trick. Duh.

    Nagzilla recently posted Proof that Therapy Works.

  76. And that is one of life’s greatest mysteries, my friends.

    Emelie recently posted My Thoughts on the New Doctor..

  77. So here I am a day late! I got “why won’t my iPod turn on” which is quite spooky because I have an iPod which doesn’t turn on…..*Twilight Zone music*

    I know i’ve missed the question bit, but just out of interest why is my name black & not pink?

    Sam Whiteoak recently posted If you are reading this then, HOORAY! It means the Mayans totally fucked up! (or they didn’t and we will all choke slowly on a cloud of black asteroid dust)..

  78. That’s… incredible. Unless they mean ‘work’ as in ‘get a job’. In which case it’s not so much about the function of the keyboard as it is about its motivation.

    kaitlyn recently posted There's an artist in everyone....

  79. I had to try it, and I got why won’t my iphone charge. I don’t have an iphone. Apple gives me a headache. Somewhere in the migraine area. I don’t get migraines. Thank you, apple, for giving me a condition I don’t have. Apple sort of reminds me of those cars that talk to you. I ask, how do you turn on the headlights? and it tells me it doesn’t understand. Rephrasing and yelling at it doesn’t help, and then, after searching forever and pressing every button, I find and unmarked knob down by my knee that gives illumination. My daughter, convulsing with laughter, learned new curse words that day, including to the idiot who hit my car, requiring a possessed rental with seats made for tall people. Not everyone is the fucking Jolly Green Giant. Kiss my ass apple and the abnormally tall people who design car seats.

  80. “Why won’t anyone dance with me?” Really, Google? How much of a sadsack do you think I am?

    I don’t think I’ve ever been insulted by a search engine before.

    Dana the Biped recently posted My Spirit Animal Is A Marsupial, But It Doesn't Matter Because I'm Dying..

  81. Crushed by baby seals is now how I want to go.

    Nicky recently posted May I see you in the afterlife so I can kick your ass..

  82. There is no logical explanation for that. But then again I have asked the internet the beginning of many questions that they seem to answer in a somewhat disturbing fashion.

    Kelly recently posted And the World Spins Madly On.

  83. I’ve never seen anything here before like the reference to the volunteer site.

    Adds a little tenderness.

  84. Why won’t anyone dance with me?

    ‘Cause the word DANCE makes me break into my music video version of Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody”. Kind of a no brainer.

    Jess recently posted Some Things I Love.

  85. I was curious if spelling matters… it does. If I leave out the apostrophe, the first suggestion is “why wont my iphone connect to wifi”. If I didn’t know my friend’s iPad has two ways to connect to the internet, I would have accused that of circular reasoning as well.
    Otherwise I get the sad dancing question….to which I suggest contra dancing and a good strong mouthwash.

  86. Love the kid snippets post! Haha!

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted Photos from the week 8/5.

  87. My keyboard just commented on your blog!!

    Kathleen recently posted Where I Was.

  88. How does one become pink here I wonder? Is there some sort of initiation ritual?

  89. Maybe they have that program where you talk and it types for you?

    Karen Peterson recently posted Currently...August.

  90. My “why won’t” turned up:

    Why won’t anyone dance with me?

    now I’m sad.

    Hj recently posted Cinque Terre & Venice.

  91. Loved the comments to the seal video — “i cant believe one of these killed Osama Bin? Laden”. (Although that makes for very odd mental pictures)

    Google is also wondering why won’t anyone dance with me. Because they forgot their boogie shoes!

  92. Love the volunteer information! I could really use this as a classroom teacher-you always know the right thing to say!

    My twice baked potato recently posted Weekend for a Royal.

  93. I would LOVE to know what you were actually searching for.

    I just started typing in “why does my…” (was going to search something about my dog) and the following came up as the most searched:
    – why does my vagina smell

    Apparently, there are a lot of stinky women out there in some serious need of Vagisil and a good doctor. Ew.

    Michelle recently posted Thanks for the new Coach handbag, Sarah Palin.

  94. Ok, this made me laugh HARD.

  95. 97
    Isabella Inigma

    There is so much funny and useful shit here. I’m unsure what to say about that. So, here’s a question: What if your hair is disappearing? Not falling out in clumps but progressively thinning (menopause most likely from what I’ve found in my exhaustive research). I’m looking at wigs online and they are so scary. Plus, they cost a ridiculous amount of money. I’m talking A LOT OF MONEY. Rogaine…I don’t know. How’s that gonna look when new little hairs start sprouting all over my head? Hairs that will never have a prayer of catching up to my existing hair (past the shoulders) unless I get a buzz cut, which I have considered, but I’m not sure I have the skull to pull it off. There would be a noticeable depression on one side of my head from a possible childhood head trauma that would detract from that edgy socialite goes blond butch look I’d be trying to achieve. Luckily, this depression is not visible as long as I maintain some hear on my head. . So, what’ll it be? A butch cut with a possibly groovy asymmetrical look or should I take out a home equity credit line and buy a couple wigs?

  96. 98
    Isabella Inigma

    Also, my “why can’t” search gave me “why can’t we be friends”. Seriously, I had no idea my computer was so needy. This deserves further contemplation.

  97. So, its is one day past my birthday. Jenny, you missed it, and I do my best to spread Bloggess Gospel to all unknowing and unworthy strangers. Yes, they seem confused, but at least they are polite. Despite you missing my birthday, I am prepared to forgive you if you make a Beyonce/Juanita pillowcase. I will even buy two of them. See, I am paying YOU for missing MY birthday. Frankly, that type of generosity deserves to be rewarded.

    PS…if that little gem of a pillowcase already exists and I missed it because I am a dullard, my bad.

  98. Is it weird that the rainbow mountains make me hungry? It’s like looking at a giant candy cane mountain.

    Emma recently posted Problems With Writing a Dissertation.

  99. had to share, just in case you hadn’t seen this Etsy opportunity before

  100. Google thinks I have sexual problems everytime I type “how do I” google finishes off with “make love”

  101. These ones I think are even more hilarious than the kid snippets

    Especially episode 2.

  102. I thought the necklace was going to be a tiny flask.

  103. THANK YOU for sharing Charlie and the Seal! It made my night!

  104. Somewhat disturbing Google search, I just put in why won’t Google did the rest:

    why won’t anyone dance with me

    why won’t they talk to me

    why won’t my baby sleep I’m Feeling Lucky »

    why won’t my ipad charge

  105. 107
    amusing girl

    I am BEGGING you to have an awesome contest that gives away Knock Knock MOFO/Juanita pillows as prizes. They are brilliant, but I’d be dead meat if my hubby saw a $60 charge for a pillow on our debit card. And he checks shit like that cuz he’s a good guy who manages all the crappy bill paying at our house. But the contest would need to guarantee that I’d win a pillow, otherwise it would be a completey useless and stupid contest.

  106. just saw this and thought of you….

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