I blame Steve Jobs for this.

A series of texts I sent to my friend Maile after the rotten wood on our deck was replaced:

To her credit, Maile was unflappable and assumed that my deck, dock and cock were all equally well-crafted.

PS.  After you fuck up two texts your phone should just automatically shut off to save you from yourself.  Just a suggestion, Apple.

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And in less slightly-confusing news, it’s time for this week’s wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by my friend Marie, creator of Misanthropista.  She’s sort of a bad-ass and most of her emails end with “Oh, bite me” or “What the fuck are you looking at?” but deep down she has a heart of gold and will teach you all about sexting.  You should check her out. Bring donuts.

90 thoughts on “I blame Steve Jobs for this.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Well, then again, you *do* have Beyonce, so anyone who knows you might just think you’d dressed up your giant rooster statue or something.

  2. God don’t you just want to shoot your phone when it does that shit?!! LOL But it is hilarious none the less!! LOL Auto correct has made so many boring texts.. Damn Funny!! Have a great day doll!

  3. What I find funny is your phone wants to autocorrect to “cock”. I mean, it only does that if you use the word enough… Hahahahaha I love it.

  4. I turned off auto correct (and have a Droid anyway). But I do love reading auto correct mistakes! There’s at least one list of them on like, BuzzFeed, that almost killed me.

  5. I don’t know, I think once you’ve got so far you may as well just keep going with it. What’s the worst that can happen? So you friend comes over to look at your cock…great excuse to buy a rooster!

  6. I would have just assumed your Cock was a giant metal chicken of some sort. If Deck had autocorrected to Dick I might have blinked, but probably not.

  7. That app would make Apple very rich!
    I have often needed to save me from myself, particularly when I’m texting emotionalyl deep feelings to this guy I have had a crush on for ages, I even add that I know he probably doesn’t feel the same way about me and he replies

    “Okie dokie”…

    Ouch. Kill my phone for me.

  8. I somehow knew that duck/train/origami hat party was going to be in Austin before I even noticed it was in Austin. free drinks the entire night? in my mind that is a great payback for me giving my ducks a place to live and taking them to a party. with hats.

  9. My phone’s latest trick is autocorrect every word it doesn’t recognize to “pussy.” My female friends think I’m hitting on them. My male friends think I’m offering it up. And my boss thinks I’m inappropriate.

  10. One day, my husband was feeling really low and I wanted to send him a text reminding him of how important he was to me, to make him feel better.

    I wanted to text him “You are my whole world”, but instead I typed “You ate my whole world” and pressed send just as I realised my mistake.

    It actually did make him feel better though, so IN YOUR FACE proper spelling.

  11. I keep waiting to make some awesome autocorrect errors but either my autocorrect is too smart or I am. (I’m leaning toward the autocorrect.)

  12. What IS it with autocorrect? And why does it always seem to happen when we are in a hurry and hit *send* before we glance at what our phone is going to say to someone?!? I had a similar convo with my husband awhile back, where he was asking where the Jose (Cuervo) was; and his phone INSISTED that the word was “hose”…and the misunderstanding that ensued was hilarious. Thanks for reminding me, it’s not just ME! 😀 awesome

  13. I totally wouldn’t have batted an eye, I’d have just thought you were talking about Beyonce.

  14. Love the ballet dancer pictures. Not sure how you find these cool links.

    The reviews of famous authors were brutal! And wordy, like the critics were flexing their vocabulary.

  15. So, because my mind goes that way, I immediately tried to picture a cock that could have “our” in front of it. Is it an organ shared by two unfortunate (or fortunate if you’re one of those glass/ass half full people) Siamese twins?

  16. I laughed soooo hard. Massively sleep-deprived and everything is hilarious, but this would be hilarious even if I were well-rested.

  17. I love the cat card and while I was wondering who I could send it too I started thinking of alternatives to the guitar… A vibrator, a shotgun, a sword, a light saber…am I OK? Oh no, a blow dryer…

  18. Totally agree on the phone thing!! That and autocorrect needs to stop putting words in our mouths! If I type fuck, I mean it and if I type hell, I sure as hell don’t mean he’ll. Replacing words that are spelled correctly with words that don’t make sense is Apple’s way of trying to ruin the world, says the girl who has so many Apple products it’s not funny. Perhaps I shouldn’t reply to blog posts after copious amounts of Jack to get rid of a migraine, huh? I might make more sense then. 🙂

  19. …on that duck party thing:

    SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY?

    Well, then…ok. Because NOTHING about that party screams unserious.

    I’m a bit surprised you didn’t inquire. Ducks or no ducks.

  20. The best part of keeping a breeding flock of chickens is that I can say “would you like to see my cock ?” Without even batting an eye.

  21. no shirt! I wish my phone could read my mind and just play dead at the appropriate time (or inappropriate time, whichever)

  22. My husband once texted me that he was “Saving you some gator tits.”

    After laughing during a meeting for about 10 minutes (because I had to share with everyone around me) he retexted, “Tator tots.” Best text. Ever.

  23. My husband just leaves the texts the way they come out. He knows that will assure that I will call him to ask him, “What the fuck???”

    I think he just wants to hear my loving voice!!!

  24. Yeah, not sure I would have even thought you had made a mistake there. Beyonce is obviously the first thing that should come to everyone’s mind…

  25. Hurray for Beyonce’s meteoric rise from obscurity in a discount store! No doubt there’s never been a prouder owner of a finer cock! (Tee hee)

  26. The ballet dancers were great, but am I the only terrified for the fate of the dancers in stiletto heels? One of them has to land on a metal grate! I wanted to close my eyes, but then I remembered that they’ve already finished the jump. Some time ago.

    Still.
    Stilettos.

  27. A good friend and another friend’s daughter are in the ballet pictures! I love all of those shots, but especially the Catholic school girl, my friends dayghter and my friend who is the teacher. The photographer came to her school and shot the photo in her classroom with her classmates and teacher!

  28. Today I discovered that iPhone makes no attempt to autocorrect “Belieber” to “believer” (ok, yes, I WAS texting “Belieber” but that was only after my sister called me a “One Directioner” when we were both feeling particularly OLD while watching this year’s MTV VMAs…dammit). Now all I can do is sit and wait until I try to use “believer” in a text & it changes it on me without my noticing…. ha

  29. Oh, I love Freudian text slips.

    Once I wrote to my boss: Can you please go fuck yourself and stick a giant tape recorder in your ass so as to record your verminous monologues?

    But I meant to write: Running 5 min late. Sorry! 🙂

  30. @whatimeant,

    well, texas IS a community property state… and most wives are quite well acquainted with the concept of “what’s mine is mine and what’s your is mine.” put those two together and…

  31. When my phone attempts to incorrectly auto-correct something that I am typing… I usually find myself saying the offending word outloud, to my phone, as I’m re-typing it for the 5th time…. you know, since my phone can actually hear me and comprehend what I am saying to it and stuff…

  32. The only thing worse than auto-correct is the Swype feature. Really is “ghig” a word? I don’t care what the phone thinks my fingers are saying, this isn’t a word!

  33. Look, you can’t have a blog post about buying a cock for your cock and then act all surprised the next day that your phone autocorrects to “cock.” It’s pretty obvious that you have more cocks in your life than the average person.

  34. The pic of the ballet dancer in the book store is EXACTLY how I feel when finding a new book that I just *know* will become one of my instant favourites!

  35. You really need to send that in to damnyouautocorrect.com — that one might make their “best of” list.

  36. That creative spend article is one of the best things I’ve read lately. Next thing you know, someone will write their thesis about your blog and its influence on society.

  37. Weird, but like 3 days ago I was looking at my cat and thinking, “someday I’m going to know what’s going on in his head.” [Someday, meaning after I’m dead and can look back at the history of humanity and animaldom and see how the hell it all fits together.] And suddenly it was clear to me that if I knew what was going on in Mannie’s head *right now* I would probably be horribly disappointed! Because I imagine that he is loving and witty and sarcastic and a little dark, but he’s probably just incredibly manic and annoying, like “shadow!…thirsty/drink!….pet me!….shadow!” Or worse yet, there’s really nothing going on. No cat language or awareness or sentient thought. We are maybe better off not knowing.

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