It doesn’t take much to make me happy.

in Random Crap

This week Victor took me to a shop to find a lamp for the bedroom but they were all too expensive.  Like, they had an $8,000 crystal chandelier in the shape of a leaping, life-sized, cavorting pony.  True story.  I wanted to take a picture but Victor thought it would be too weird for me to say, “Hey, can I take a picture of your shiny pony?” so instead I stayed quiet until about 10 seconds later when I saw an enormous bear’s head on the wall and I screamed ,”HOLY SHIT THERE’S A BEAR” and then I think probably Victor realized that he just can’t take me out in public in general.

Several clerks (and shoppers) looked up in a rather annoyed way, which is sort of rude because 1) if there really was a bear in the shop they would probably be grateful for my warning and 2) THERE REALLY WAS A BEAR IN THE STORE.  Victor pointed out that it was just the head of a bear, but I countered that the head was technically the most dangerous part of the bear and then he argued that bear paws are just as painful, but I pointed out that no part of the bear is deadly if his head has come off, and then we just agreed to disagree because we were attracting more attention.

Then a salesman came over and I was all, “HOW MUCH IS IT FOR THE BEAR?” but I was trying not to sound too eager because even though the head was dusty and mostly shoved behind a vent it was still pretty bad-ass and I didn’t want to let them know that I was too interested because that’s how they get you. The saleman looked confused for a second and then laughed awkwardly, and then said “Oh.  You’re serious” and was like, “I am deadly serious, sir” and he said he’d ask his manager.

The manager came over to make sure that I wasn’t just fucking with him and I said, “Before we go any further, I just want to point out that this bear is literally 75% off.  I mean, unless you have the body of the headless bear in the back, in which case I might be interested in purchasing it too” and then he wandered off in a bit of a daze.  Victor shook his head and rolled his eyes toward the ceiling, but in his defense it’s possible it was because he was looking at the pony chandelier because that shit was fucking dazzling.  Then the salesman came back saying, “We would be so…so thrilled to let you have it for $75″ and I shouted “SOLD!” and then I was a little offended on Beartrums behalf because why were they so happy to get rid of him?  Clearly I was saving him from people who did not appreciate him and probably didn’t even realize his name was Beartrum.  This was a damn rescue.  Plus, when they climbed up on the ladder to get him down I realized that Beartrum’s head was three times the size of a normal bears and the whole thing was made of fiberglass and fake fur so no one even had to die to make him, unless it was a lot of stuffed animals from a scarlet fever ward, which would explain why they were in such a hurry to get rid of him.   Then they really quickly wrapped him up because I think they just wanted us to leave.  This is exactly why I often get really good service and also why I recommend not taking your medication during days when you have to buy a car or a bedroom set.

Victor drug the giant box of bear to the car while muttering that I was unstable, and I agreed with him, but I don’t think you have to be crazy to realize that paying 2 bucks per pound of bad-ass bear is a goddamn bargain.  I tried to go online to find a similar bear head to prove that I’d made a fantastic buy, but when I searched “Big Bear Head” it gave me a San Diego craigslist ad entitled “Big Bear needs some quick head now” and then I just decided to never go on the internet again.

I got Beartrum Higglebottom home (“Beartrum” was just a given and I think “Higglebottom” is nice because it sort of implies that his non-existent bottom had once been wiggly and positive) and I decided to take some of those fancy unwrapping picture sets like you see on sophisticated techy blogs, but when I downloaded the first one I noticed that Ferris Mewler was doing something weird in the back.

I don't... Wait. Is he doing yoga? Is that the Sun Salutation?

And so then I was like “Enhance….Enhance….Enhance” until finally it was big enough that I could see that Ferris was hiding his head in his genitals.  Or something.  I’m not sure.  All I know is that he’s way more flexible than I am and he seems to be showing off.  Victor says he’s probably just hiding his head in shame so that other neighborhood cats won’t recognize him on my blog and make fun of him.  I can’t but help to think that this is not going to help his case:

You're only hurting yourself, Ferris.

Then I opened the box a little more and you could see Beartrum’s enormous smile, as if he was saying, “YOU ARE MY VERY BEST FRIEND EVER AND NOTHING WILL EVER TEAR US APART.”

That bear was totally fucking right.

Then I asked Victor to walk around holding Beartrum up at various places in my office so that I could figure out the best place to hang him, but I was actually just taking pictures of Victor wearing a bear and then he heard me giggling and was all “WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?  ARE YOU RECORDING THIS?”

I totally was.

Then he put Beartrum down and walked away muttering under his breath.  I figured I needed to even the score for the sake of my marriage so I yelled at Victor to come to the front yard and when he got there I was wearing Beartrum’s face and singing “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic” in a deep, creepy, slow-motion voice on the yard.

It's like if a bear was doing dub-step. In a dress. On the yard.

That’s when Hailey’s school bus pulled up and I waved at her, and the bus driver seemed sort of disturbed, but probably only because I looked so realistic that she wasn’t sure if it was safe to leave Hailey there with me.  Victor agreed, but not for actual bear-related reasons.  Hailey, however, thought Beartrum was totally bad-ass, and that’s when I decided that from now on I’d only hang out with eight-year-olds, because they still understand the whimsical joy of silliness, and they’re too young to call the authorities on you.

Victor, on the other hand, demanded that I get in the house and stop waving at our neighbors because “WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO THINK?” and I immediately dismissed him, but then I thought, “Oh my God, they probably think we’re furries.”  Then I started to explain what a furry was to Victor and he was like, “STOP TALKING ALREADY” because apparently education is not important to him.

Then Victor told me to put Beartrum away, but I told him I needed a few days to figure out where he fit best.

There were more options than you'd expect.

Victor:  NO.  Just…no.

me:  But he looks so happy.  And it’s the guest bedroom so it’s hardly ever used and when we have family spend the night they’ll have company.  I tucked him in like a burrito baby.  LOOK HOW HAPPY HE LOOKS.

Victor:  Try again.

I attempted another option:

Helloooo!

me:  Rowr-rowr-rowr.

Victor:  What?

me:  OHMYGOD, LOOK  OUT THE WINDOW!

Victor:  WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

me:  He likes to wander at night.  I think he might have narcolepsy.

I briefly considered poking his head through the hedges just to freak people out, but Victor said I couldn’t because I might cause an accident because people weren’t prepared for that much awesomeness.  (He didn’t say that last part out loud, but I’m pretty sure it was implied.)

In the end, I left Beartrum on the floor of my office until I find the perfect spot.  The cats fucking love him.

"Maybe if we cover his eyes he can't eat us."

The good news though is that I think I’ve finally found my new profile pic.

Everyone wins.

1,103 thoughts on “It doesn’t take much to make me happy.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. That is the best thing EVER. I want a bear head. If my husband would get me a bear head, it could be my christmas and birthday presents for…at least two years. Yeah..two years

  4. OMG!! I almost peed my pants at work when I got to the picture of bear looking in window! Reminded me of your “Knock knock MF” picture. Thanks for the laugh.

  7. I think Beartrum should stay in the guest bedroom. You can hide things underneath the covers to give him a ‘body’ and he’d be the best guest bedroom friend ever!

  9. Read this while at a webinar at work. Why would I do that to myself? Upside? Showed it to my boss during webinar and now we’re both cracking up.

  11. I <3 you. Having a terrible day at work -to the point where I am considering quitting and making meth, like Waltand Jesse on Breaking Bad, then I sneak over and read your blog-and laugh/snort coffee all over my computer screen. 🙂

  12. You’ve made my day.
    Granted, that’s not hard considering that I spend all day sitting in a cubicle and pondering a better life and reading about things like feaux bear heads instead of working … but still: awesome post.

  13. This post just made me deliriously happy. Still grinning. Please, please don’t ever stop with the whimsical joy of silliness.

  14. Until the first pic, I was picturing him as some sort of bear shaped lamp/ light. Maybe he could hold a flashlight in his mouth so you on’t have to go shopping again?

  22. You totally should have taken a picture of the pony chandelier. You have to have this stuff to show your decorator, for planning purposes. Geez, I thought everyone knew that.

  25. You must STOP posting funny ass shit like this. I just spit Diet Coke out my nose. AT WORK. Can’t you post funny shit after, say, NOON???

    LOVE YOU JENNY!!

  29. I snorted in my cubicle at work, but know if I share what I am laughing at, they wouldn’t get it. Thanks for brightening my day! One of my favorite posts ever!

  30. OMG! My day has been made. I’m sharing this with my best friends (because I think they’re the only ones who would understand the awesomeness of Beartrum).

  32. You fuckin’ crack me up ALL the time!! I love this! Heck, I think I like the bear more than Beyonce. Maybe. I’m not sure. 😉

  33. As a cat owner, I’ll tell ya Ferris is just licking his balls. For cleanliness. Or because he’s feeling horny. Or because he thinks your bear is “da balls!”. Thank you, thank you. I’ll be here all night, please try the fried shrimp.

  35. You are SO lucky I wasn’t in the store when you spied Beartrum and screamed. I swear there would have been a bidding war. And now the poor store manager would be trying to find a source on where to buy truckloads of huge-assed bear heads that look like they have dentures with fangs.

  38. Oh My! Beartrum is FANTASTIC! I love the way you and Victor interact. It makes me smile. I think Beartrum should stay in the guest room. He looked so comfortable there.

  42. Your Lawn Is ALIVE!!! I’ve been wondering about that since your post-surgery post…
    And Your cat is most definitely not doing himself any favors…

  43. Jenny, I was cracking up the whole time! I hope that Beartrum finds a good home in your house that isn’t a guest bed, outside a window, or being clawed by Ferris and Hunter under your desk!

  45. ohmyjesus. When I finally saw it unboxed, I snorted so loudly my boss peered around the corner.
    This. RULES. Possibilities are practically ENDLESS.

  50. Best. Profile. Pic. Ever. I can’t believe you got that bear head for the bargain price of $75 and that no one else wanted it. What is wrong with this world? Beartrum is bad ass.

  51. i too choked on diet coke at work, joyce, in fact it came out my nose. note to self: must wait to get home before reading the bloggess.

  52. I do think it’s possible that Jesus will one day come back to Earth, and that it’s even more likely when he arrives that he’ll be all, “SANDWICHES.”

  54. Is it wrong that part of me really wants you to sneak Beartrum into the bed so that when Victor wakes up he finds a bear head in his bed, all The Godfather, Bloggess-style?

  58. I busted out laughing at the bear in bed. Can you imagine sending your guests in there to turn on the light?? Thanks for the laugh.

  59. There is only one spot Beartrum Higglebottom, who obviously must be a cousin of my dearly departed goldfish Franc & Michel Wigglebottom, who both, obviously, had French accents and snotty attitudes, and that is right next to the front door.

    Who wouldn’t want to be greeted by Beartrum? He is really going to make every guest in your home feel incredibly welcome and at ease from the moment they walk in.

  61. I am deeply, deeply jealous – I even have a bowler, monacle, cigar, and bowtie that he clearly desperately needs. Damn it!

  62. “The good news though is that I think I’ve finally found my new profile pic.” – or the author’s picture for your new book??

  63. That was perhaps second ONLY to Beyonce. Seriously. Laughed so hard the partners I work for quizzed me on my stability after the tax deadline. Fortunately, the are also as deranged as I am, so they loved the “bear-in-a-window” picture. Now, we are looking for something as symbolic for us. Batshit crazy seems to fit the bill. Fortunately, this IS Bat Country (and Bat-Time of year!)! I can only hope!

  67. He is a beautiful edition to the family! I look forward to the many adventure’s of Beartrum–which kinda sounds like children’s book, a really fucked-up children’s book.

    You might want to get on top of that.

  71. So much awesome! Heart rum (seriously, autocorrect!? Heart rum? I wrote Beartrum for a reason!) is fabulous! Actually, I have no idea whether heart rum is fabulous, I’ve never tried it. Beartrum should live at my house. Can we share him? I could babysit when you have guests. For free! You’re welcome.

  73. One more reason that you are my hero!! I am confused though…is he an actual lamp? Does light come out of his mouth? That would be ridiculous! In the good way. Anyway- I was giggling out loud at my desk and now everyone thinks the new girl is crazy. ( I am, but they didn’t know that yet!) I was hoping to get one more week of not being that weird girl- Oh well, totally worth it!

  76. It’s not until you see Victor holding the head that you really begin to see how big that fucker is. Awesome!!

  81. I so want that PONY….

    Bear in mind – – – had to use that pun – – the bear is totally awesome but needs a Momma and Baby bear to go with it…. And then you have to find a little weasel Goldie Locks to tie up and tortu….. oh never mind….

    Never change!

  82. I am literally laughing out loud and crying at my desk. Someone just came up to ask me something and I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even put the awesomeness of this post into words, Thank you!!!

  83. I think you should consider starting a service where you bring various stuffed animals/animal heads to peoples homes and help them figure out where they could hang them or put them should they decide to get some of their own and of course photograph it. Then whenever said person felt sad about their home and/or life they could pull up the pictures of the time they spent with you wandering around their home finding places to hang/place taxidermy. They could also use said photos to threaten their spouses about taking up new hobbies.

    I, at least, would pay good money for this service as the payoff would be well worth it.

  84. I’ve got to agree on that “kids understand awesome more than adults” thing. My kids can enjoy things much more deeply than most adults. That’s why – no matter how old I get – I’ll always be a kid at heart. (Now if only my coworkers wouldn’t look at me funny when I play with my Doctor Who figures at my desk.)

  85. That bear head is amazing! i bought a plain old deer head at a yard sale last weekend to sell in my shop, but when I brought it in I was informed that it’s illegal to sell taxidermy deer in this state because WHAT THE FUCK!? So I had to call my husband at work and be like “Guess what, honey, we own another dead animal that goes on the wall! Aren’t you excited?” He was not excited.

  86. I am crying. I am crying from laughter right now. My coworkers are concerned but I don’t care because this post made me happier than I have been in a month. Thank you Jenny!

  88. Bear in the window = best place ever. Just think of all the guest reactions! And if the guests don’t react they either know you far too well, or! are not very observant at all, and it will be a valuable lesson on survival for them, because one should always know if there’s a bear about to break into your house and steal the cheerios.

  92. Pretty pretty please find Beartrum a hat…

    I want to live with you, Victor, Hailey, and all the cats. Or maybe just be a fly on the wall. I would be the luckiest. Fly. Ever.

  94. Oh, this is fucking AWESOME! I thought NOTHING could top my father buying a 7 1/2 foot stuffed bear and not telling my mother, just put it in the living room for her to discover when she walked in one day. She has since recovered and now likes to make him (Shush, Navajo word for “bear”, not nearly as creative as Beartrum) aprons that are representative of each holiday.

    Last year Dad went to a turkey farm to collect feathers to make him his own official headdress. Oy.

    Jillian Todd Portraits for Women

  98. That picture of Ferris is going to be my new wallpaper, I think. This whole post is brilliant.

  100. I may have just gotten fired for reading this at work (You’d think I’d know better by now) Laughing so hard at all the awesomeness that I need half a box of Kleenex.

  101. Hilarious! And to go back to a recent post. My local library just ordered me a whole slew of Goosebumps books for $.25 each so I can hand them out for Halloween at my sons school. Thanks for the idea whoever left it!

  102. This makes me so happy. What a great Tuesday this is shaping up to be. You’re basically invincible with that thing on!

  104. OMG – have had a total anxiety attack today over the freaking sight word homework page that my daughter’s teacher sent home. They suggest Pinteresting sight word games and my rule-following-perfectionism-anxiety-filled-self started to spiral into insanity. I was finally talked down off of my Michael’s/Office Depot/Learning Express To-Do list wall, but it has been a crazy day. I so needed this! I am crying from laughing so hard. You walking around in the Beartrum head may be as funny as Beyonce! Thanks for the laugh!

  105. Oh my shit. This is better than Beyonce. I LOVE the burrito baby shot. You should totally badger Victor into letting you keep Beartrum in the guest room. He’s probably happier and nicer than some house-guests…

  107. That bear is so happy.

    I wouldn’t be sad ever, if I had him around. He’s so cuddly. I want to cuddle with him in your guest room.

    That came out very wrong.Like the craigs list ad wrong. Big Bear. Lol. I can NOT stop laughing.

    I love you so much.

  109. Fortunately, I have the law office to myself this afternoon so there was no one to hear me choking on my iced coffee as I scrolled through the photos. PS you have a lovely home.

  110. Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

    The pic with the cats (it looks like they’re fascinated by his eyeballs!!) is hilarious. Excellent!

  111. Ferris WTF! I used to have a cat that licked herself when she was in heat and would make all these growling noises whilst doing so. She did this in front of guests. 😐

  112. Damn! Clearly I need to come to Texas to do some shopping! That bear is fucking amazing! I found a real bear head in the trash outside a building in the East Village, which I though was highly offensive…who trashes a bear?! A bear died for that! Needless to say, Boris now graces the wall of my living room wearing a fez and a set of electrified antlers with lightbulb sockets on the tips…he is Boris the Light Beer! And I looooove him!

  113. Omg, I’m pretty sure Beartrum is your best purchase ever! And a way better deal than the crystalline pony. Victor should be happy you saved $7925!

  115. I need to remember to put away all liquids before reading your posts, because my laptop nearly got another Dr. Pepper and mucus shower. Personally I don’t understand why Victor gets so uptight. This shit is gold!

  119. I’m totally with you on putting it through the hedges. That would be awesome. You could hang out across the street (having your own teddy bear picnic) just to wait, and see people’s reactions. That is what I would do. Also Beartrum needs a bonnet (Little House on the Prairie style). To shield its eyes from the sun.

  122. This post also makes me sad that I don’t have a guest bedroom. it would be fun to fuck with the guests. Not in a literal way, though..that would be weird..it’s nearly always family.

  124. Your blog always makes me laugh, but I don’t think I’ve laughed this hard at one since Beyonce. I lost it at the picture in the front yard. Thanks for that!

    Also, how many more times will Victor ask, “what the fuck is wrong with you?” before he realizes he should just accept it and lean into the weird?

  125. If you put the head in the hedges, which you should totally do, you have to put an umbrella over it because you don’t want Beartrum’s fur getting all matted because of rain. I think a Hello Kitty umbrella would be a nice touch.

  126. Great addition to your house. So for the record, would you ever attend a furry bar crawl? My husband has been dying to have one for at least five years and he can’t quite get a group interested, probably b/c most are freaked out thinking we’re going to trick them into weird furry sex at the end of the drinking event, which is not the point. Drinking in a furry costume is the point. The weird animal sex is for the real furry whackjobs. Anyway, if you were interested, the Mr. would at least be thrilled to know other people appreciate his “creativity”.

  132. Best post ever! I freakin love Beartrum, especially on the outside looking in. I imagine he’s singing an awesome Lionel Richie song.

  133. I think the other parents in the pick-up line think I’m nuts now I that I am sitting here laughing at myself. You totally made my day!

  134. I needed this so badly today..home sick and, because sick isn’t enough, my sister keeps going to the hospital with chest pains and fluid around her lungs and they don’t know why. They don’t know why she gets the fluid, not that they don’t know why she goes to the hospital. Unless they are also aware of their ineptitude and wondering why she doesn’t go to a better hospital? Wait. Where am I?

  135. Oh my goodness, I love you so much! I’m crying at work! THANK YOU for this! and tell Victor to stop being such a spoil sport: it would be AWESOME to poke Beartrum through some hedges!!!!! (PLEEEEEASE take video of that!!!!)

  136. I think I’m going to start hanging out with 8 year olds too….’cause my teenage girls think I am BATSH*T crazy…I think I am just enthusiastic 🙂

  138. Holy. Tears streaming down my face and laughing so hard I keep forgetting to breathe. Thank god I didn’t read this while out in public!

  141. I’m having a totally crap week. I have to help my cat commit suicide on Thursday. I’ve been scoring cat nip, getting her stoned, calling the vet twice a day to see if he’s changed his diagnosis (he hasn’t), and, basically, crying all week long. Can you say nervous breakdown? Anyway, sorry to overshare. Someone needs to adjust her meds. (That would be me.)

    This really cheered me up. Please thank Beartrum for his part in the mood lifting.

  142. Suppressing giggles in my cubicle over “burrito baby.” I love it! And never mind the profile picture, that needs to be the cover of your next book. <3

  143. That is absofuckinglutely hilarious! I really needed that laugh today 🙂

    Look at all the entertainment you, the cats, your daughter, your neighbors, your readers…. all got for $75. That was definitely a good deal!

  144. This post is amazing, and props to Victor for carrying the bear head around the house like a big damn hero.

  146. It just occured to me that James Garfield now has competition.
    He could Beartrum’s dad/brother though. It’s a family reunion!

  147. A narcoleptic bear? Then he’ll need a better excuse for eating the neighbours then preparation for hibernation

  148. I love this! I completely understand buying animal type things because they make you happy (even if know one else gets it). I’m lusting after a pig shaped pitcher but I haven’t bought it because it’s too expensive, and also my husband said it looked like a demon (which it kind of does).

  149. Brilliant. Positively brilliant. And that is just the sort of thing I would’ve done at the bus stop.
    However, you do need a spot of ketchup with the bear in the bed. Kinda like THE GODFATHER.

  153. How come none of the stores I go to have awesome stuff like that? Clearly I need to shop at a better class of store.

  155. I figured out why he looks so happy…it is because he has a full set of HUMAN teeth with a few itty bitty fangs thrown in, instead of a gaping maw of all-pointy regular bear-type teeth. LOVE IT.

  157. Oh, you need to keep Beartrum in the guest bedroom. Victor’s completely off-base about that.

  158. OMG. Laughing so hard. Trying to hold it in since my co-workers are on the phone, but it’s so difficult!

  162. It’s like every time I settle on the amount that I love you, you fuck it all up by making me love you more. Now I have to re-write my will.

    You’re getting all the fucking useless, mis-matched china cup and saucer sets that my brother in law keeps sending my kids from Germany and their travels throughout the European cities they travel. We have piles of that shit that are just ASKING to get smashed. Also – you’re getting legos. Lots and lots of fucking legos.

  163. I <3 you so hard. Although seeing the bear photo while eating my lunch was a bad idea, because now I've snorted noodles into my sinuses. Totally worth it though. I needed the laugh today.

  168. Ohmygawd, thank you for the laugh. All of it was hilrious, but I almost peed a little at Ferris Mewler and your “you’re only hurting yourself”.

    Love it.

  169. Thank you for the much needed laughs today. You have the luckiest neighbors. I mean, how can a person stay stressed out if they look out the window and see a smiling bear in a dress? That HAS to make you laugh!

  170. Creepy music box sounding version of teddy bear picnic running through my head… Slowing down as if it needs winding again…. WTFever… that bear isnt scary… he is freaking cute!

  174. Sweet lord, this was one of the funniest posts ever!!
    Thanks for the big out loud laughs on a day when I am sick of having a stupid cold and being so tired.
    Beartrum rocks!!!!!!!!!!

  177. You MUST go back and get a picture of the pony! I know you will because you are awesome. BTW, laughing so hard I’m crying at the cat yoga.

  178. You look really good in that dress and your yard is lovely and with Beartrum there atop your shoulders, it’s all just perfect and a clear boon to property values on your street.

  179. I need to buy a car in the next few weeks, would you go with me? (and bring the bear, he looks good at negotiating).

  188. He really is epically awesome. I’m thinking Beartrum wants a job and doesn’t just want to be a pretty face in your house. He needs to be like a book end or a hat stand or something where he is useful. Don’t you have one of those high ledges that he can sit on, looking down on people so that he can guard the house? You can set up a blutooth speaker so that he roars and plays music.

    Beartrum is the best!

  189. YOU…ARE…..EPIC!!!! I wish you where my neighbor, oh won’t you be my, oh won’t you be my neighbor?

  190. Also, I have no explanation for Ferris Mewler.In my experience, cats like to lick embarrassing places just to ruin pictures.

  192. I am at the eye doctor trying to be a grown up and the receptionist just asked if I was ok. I can’t even explain you. You always make my day!

  193. Okay, I don’t like to use the word awesome (sooo burned out on that word), but…that bear head is AWESOME!!! It really is!! It inspires awe in its pure being. Whoa.

  195. laughed out loud – at work – the woman in the next office asked what was so funny and I couldn’t begin to explain because we only have two hours left to work and this cannot be explained that quickly.

    This brought a shitty day up to livable.

    Thank you Jenny.

  199. It’s been a long time since I laughed this hard. Thank you for sharing the epicness that is Beartrum Higglebottom with us!

  202. Almost bust a gut trying not to make noise laughing because I’m at work. I don’t want to scare my new intern on her second day. She’ll figure out I’m crazy soon enough!

  205. Beartrum Higglebottom. Nothing could possibly be better. Thank you for the joy. You make me deliriously happy.

  206. omg Jenny, you are mutherfurkin’ delightful! that is THE most awesome bear head in the history of the world. I’m gonna be laughing like a loon at random moments for the rest of the week!

  207. I was reading this with my 4-year old nearby. He kept asking me “Mommy, why are you laughing?” and “What’s so funny?” I showed him some pictures and he laughed, because he’s my son. But then he got tired of hearing me laugh and told me “Alright mom, that’s enough laughing from you.”
    Please tell Victor to stop mind-controlling my son and therefore raining on my parade while reading about your parade of bear head awesomeness!

  208. I need to move to Texas because I want you as my neighbor. Then when I’m depressed (like today, for example) I can wander over to your house and you can amuse me with “Where’s Beartrum?” because that shot of him peeking in the window made me laugh so hard I cried and that’s a good change from just crying. SO ANY-WAY – Will you be my friend?

  209. This is the funniest blog post ever. I love your new bearest friend….did you see what I did there?

  210. You can now be a member of the band Teddybears, which means you get to hang out with Iggy Pop. That’s pretty cool.

  211. The Ferris pose made me lose it; by the time I got to you creep-singing the Teddy Bear Picnic song I was cry-laughing. My boss loves me.

  212. I literally stopped in the middle of giggling my head off and said “oh, and she got new grass too!”

    the lawn is lovely.

    the bear is epic. taxidermied teddy bear… how do these things find you?

  213. Nothing takes away that “2:30 feeling” quite like this post. Those pictures are some of the most amazing things I’ve seen on the internet in a long time.

    Also by the way, I know you mentioned in a recent post that you’ve lost a lot of weight and I just wanted to say that you look fantastic!

  215. About 4 hours ago I started to slide into a deep depression. I’m at work, so of course I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw this post. While reading, I attempted to keep my giggles inside, but then Ferris happened. Then I burst out laughing much to the chagrin of my office mate. I did not show her what I was laughing at because I get the sense that she wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I did.

    Thank you. Feeling much better now. Hope it lasts. 🙂

  217. I laughed so hard! This was AMAZINGLY funny I a day I REALLY needed it! YOU are the BEST!!

  218. Now, when you do vodka shots, you can pose suitably for your “STRONG LIKE BEAR” Russian sound bites.

  219. Oh, it hurts! Congratulations on making me cry for the first time since I started my anti-depressants – though I’m not sure if laughter counts.

  220. next time victor moves you..tell him to move near me so I can spy on all the fun in your life

  222. Jenny, the photo with the bear head on the floor with your cats is really a perfect explanation of why I love you!!!!!!! Thank you for making me laugh all the time!!!

  224. As much as I loved your book, I’m really looking forwards to Hailey’s book in a couple of decades. 🙂

  225. Beartrum is freakin AWESOME!!!! He looks all cuddly and snuggly in the guest bedroom, what the fuck is Victor’s problem anyway? GEEZ!!!! Beartrum isn’t quite as cool as Beyonce, but he comes pretty damned close!
    Just another way of spreading the whimsical joy of silliness….which does definitely need to become a shirt like immediately.

  226. Now I know what to do when I’m having bad days & feeling like hell.

    Check for new posts from you.

    This was epic.

    I can’t stop giggling. I wanted to show my 7 yr old but I’m not sure if it was appropriate since she can read now. Not that she hasn’t heard the F word before(I’m not good to drive with).

    But oh I’m kind of jealous right now. I want a bear head just to irritate my neighbors.

  228. First of all. Your cat. OMG. Awesome. Second of all? You are awesome, too. Absolutely hilarious. I love your blog! The randomness. All of it. Thank you for being you, and for being awesome. Oh, and. That’s a nice bear. I like it.

  231. Oh Jenny. I laughed so much I thought I’d get a stomach rupture or something (Is that a thing really? ). Anyway, I love you so much for making my day so much better! And as usual, you are my absolute hero!

  232. This is awesome. I know his name is Beartrum – clearly, he looks just like a Beartrum – but if he HAD been a rescue from a scarlet fever ward and was a girl you could have named him Scarlett O’Beara.

  234. OMG!! People CAN’T handle that much awesomeness!!! I have not laughed this hard, out loud in a while. Thank you, Jenny and Victor. It wouldn’t be half as funny without Victor’s input. 😀

    Also, I’m with you on hanging out with eight-year-olds. Grown ups have no imagination and I’m tired of people looking at me funny when strange things come out of my mouth. 🙂

  237. This is the best thing I’ve read today. 😀 It’s on par with your entry about buying Beyonce. 😀 Your new profile picture is AWESOME and Beartrum looked darned cozy in your guest room… downright like a bearrito. 😀

  238. Oh my gosh. This was hilarious.

    That giant bear head makes you look super skinny. Wait…did you get super skinny? OR…is this why Miley had all those giant bears in her video?

  243. Love this! Should come to our cottage on an island in Georgian Bay Ontario, we have the Real thing! Your’s seems much friendlier!!! Best thing you got a whole box of Bubble Wrap,best thing EVER!!!!!!

  244. O.M.G I literally have tears rolling down my face! My husband is asking ME “What the fucks wrong with you” and I just keep saying “It’s a bear!” In between gasps of breath!

  245. OMG I love you! This makes me just keep on laughing out loud. I love the pics. You are seriously crazy and I love that in people. Thank you for making my day bearable……

  250. You need a LIKE button for some of the comments, they’re Great ” Fucked up children’s book” HAHA………….! You’re amazingly FUNNY & I don’t take drugs!

  252. ZOMG – you buy the best stuff! Why is there never anything cool like that where I shop?

  253. After I came home from the grocery store I told my husband that I don’t think I should be allowed in public because the woman behind me in line started loading her groceries on the belt in the spot where I’m trying to quickly load mine. I had to keep pushing them back on the belt to give myself room and she wouldn’t get the hint. I finally told her, “You are obviously too impatient to wait your turn in line but I’m not done yet.” To my credit I didn’t cut her when she wordlessly reached into my cart and started to put my items (now mixed with hers due to her lack of space issues) and told her to stop, and again mentioned that I’m sorry that she is too important to wait her turn in line.

    This never would have happened if I was wearing a bear head.

  255. Is anyone else seeing Monica from Friends dancing while wearing the turkey with a fez and sunglasses on her head?
    No? Just me?
    Completely awesome Bearhead.

  256. I can’t believe one of my colleagues hasn’t rolled up to ask what the hell I’m laughing at. OMG. So funny.

  261. Take him with you on every trip and photograph him 🙂 Italy, Paris! Buckingham Palace! The White House! Travels with Bear 🙂

  262. I just actually laughed so hard that I cried, then my 4 year old son came running out of his room (“nap” time) and hugged me and said what’s wrong mom, why are you crying? So I showed him the picture of the bear in your guest bed and he’s like, oh. A bear, in bed. Why is that funny, is it just there to snuggle? And I was like EXACTLY. And I kept laughing and he asked me to close my door if I was going to make so much noise.

  263. I wanna see a picture of the back of Beartrum’s head.. I have to say, that bear head is fucking fabulous!! Is it hollow? You should take it to Austin for the Women’s conf.. 😉

  264. When I was little my older brother took out the stuffing of a big stuffed toy bear we had and cut holes in the eyes, nose and mouth and had me get in it. I still don’t know how he convinced me to do this. lol But, he got on his bike and rode it down the street and I chased him, in a bear suit. It started slipping down over my eyes and like an idiot I kept running while trying to pull it up…then I ran face first into the tailgate of a parked truck. Laid me out flat on my back with a bleeding nose……My kids love to tell everyone this story and so does my family and friends. I wish there were video or a picture of this…but I’m positive my parents had NO idea. 😀

    Your post today made my day!!!!

  267. I’ve JUST decided what decorations I need to put in our guest bedroom. It’s been bare except for the bed and a tiny bookshelf ever since we moved in, and I’ve been clueless on how to decorate it. Not sure I can afford to buy heads for the wall yet, but that is an AWESOME deal for such an amazing bear, so now I think I really just need to find the right location to happen to have random stuffed heads. Got any suggestions for places in Austin where people sell taxidermied things? I always DID want to tart my own collection, anyways! Decorating the guest bedroom is a PERFECT excuse. 8D

  269. Oh, my. I can “bearly”(Spell check doesn’t think this is a word.) contain myself.

    That is all. For. Now.

  270. I would swear that you were singing opera in the last photo due to your hand gestures and the bear’s expression.

  271. I am reading this while waiting in my mom’s hospital room. I really needed this laugh, of course the nurses are looking a little worried!

  273. If you go down to the woods today you’ll never believe your eyes
    If you go down to the woods today you’re in for a big surprise
    For every bear that ever there was will gather there for certain because
    Todays the day the teddybears have their picnic

    See them gayly gad about (have a banana)

  274. So is it weird that the first thing I noticed in the picture of you (thebloggess) with the giant bear head on is how thin and fit you look in said picture?

  275. I was having the grumpiest of grumpy days today and then I read this entry.

    I mean, really. How can you be grumpy while looking at that face?

  278. Jam Queen is right…not that you don’t always look fab…but the ginormous bear head makes you look absolutley svelte.
    Screw going on a diet…Imma buy be a bear head.

  279. If you can not find the perfect place for Beartrum, he would look perfect over my bed. I know my little smashed face dog would bark endlessly at him, but it would be worth it. I love finding unexpectedly awesome things in the oddest place. I had a similar experience with 6 brightly colored unitards at a thrift shop. I bought all of them and have gotten lots of use out of them… in multiple states.

  280. You MUST include this story in the new book. I was trying to stifle my laughter and a coworker became concerned I was having a seizure. Also, reading this story totally reminded me of a totally buried memory–not of a bear, but of a suit of armor that lived in my house as a kid (when I was a kid — not the suit of armor, because I don’t think he really had a childhood).

  282. I love you…no really…I was having a blah day and this story made me laugh and for that I love you. Thank you for sharing your awesomeness with us.

  283. OMG. I didn’t think that anything could make me happier than Beyonce. And then comes Beartrum Higglebottom. Oh, I love him so.

    Jana: We had a suit of armor, too. It was the 70s, and it went with a Spanish Conquistador painting… I thought he was a relative.

    Oh, and Ferris Mewler, you gotta knock that off.

  285. Well hot dang.

    Now I really really really want a bear head for my birthday. Which is in two weeks, in case anyone I know is reading this. Come on, you call yourselves my friends? You can’t afford $75 for a lousy bear head? I disown you all.

  288. This was so awesome, except 1) we just moved to a new building while our old one is renovated, making the big bosses much more – accessible. 2) everyone tends to say ‘knock knock’ before coming in your office 3) our Big Boss just came down the hall, saying ‘knock knock’ just as I scrolled down to Beartrum in the window…

  289. Staring into his face, I’m so confused…he’s like a Teddy Bear gone bad. Like maybe he had a heart of gold but he kept making bad decisions, decisions that landed him in and out of jail, and those institutionalized years made him hard, hard and bitter. Jail can do that to a bear, you know. I bet his parents considered him the black sheep of the family (or is it the “black bear”?).

  290. This post was fucking hilarious….I want to be your friend…seriously, I wish I had an in person friend that I could call and say “Hey!! Beartrum needs to come out to play”

  292. OMG, my sister and I used to totally put our tiny 45 of Teddy Bear’s Picnic that came with the book onto my Cabbage Patch Kid portable record player and play it as a 33 so it was all slow and creepy, then dance around the living room in slow motion as bears!

    You can tell Victor that
    A) You aren’t the only one
    B) Beartram might need a similarly sized Paddington head around for midnight shenanigan planning
    C) I forgot C
    D) This is why we adore you, and are totally willing to admit to our bosses that we have to go home because reading your blog made Diet Dr. Pepper come out of our nose and spill all over our keyboard and now need a change of clothes. And a new keyboard. As a for-instance. Maybe.
    E) This is why I too will be cosplaying your lovely self next year and have the half dyed red dress (still a little purple-y), pin pricked fingers and waiting curlers to prove it.

    Never change!

  294. I literally snorted when I got to the picture of him looking in the window. Funny stuff.

  296. This. Yeah… this is exactly what I needed. Some days I am just wandering along realizing that I’ve forgotten how to “Tuesday” or something and then you post something brilliant and it reminds me that in another part of the country is someone who would TOTALLY get me. 🙂 Today was one of those days I really needed that.

    Thanks.

  299. Let’s be neighbors. You can leave bear heads outside my windows just to screw with me. I will periodically stick my head out my back door and yell “Wine slushies!” when I want you to come over.

  303. I guess you finally put away those flowers, that were under your desk. I’m begining to think that the underside of your desk is your “junk drawer”

  309. This post was just awesome and I love Beartrum!!! Who knew I could be so jealous of someones giant bear head?!

  311. You are so full of win and awesome-sauce! Thank you for the laugh/snort/giggle fest you just gave me. Also, Victor has no idea just how lucky he is.

  313. That is the funniest thing I’ve seen/read in a long time. I was nearly peeing my pants while laughing silently so as not to alert my coworkers as to what I was doing. Thank you, thank you , thank you for that today!

  314. I was laughing so hard I had to stop reading twice then I went out on the balcony and the neighbors all think I do dentist gas at home now.

  315. I think I want to be your BFF. I have just discovered you and I wish I had found you sooner. But in the brief time I’ve been following you I have learned:

    1. Not to have anything liquid in my mouth when I start reading; and,
    2. Be sure to go pee before I start reading.

    Hugs to my sister from a different mister, you are delightfully pixilated

  316. Apparently, it doesn’t take much to make me happy either. I spent last week recovering from a car accident, and this week navigating the wonderful world of Insurance Companies That Want to Screw You Over Even Though Their Insured Totally Admitted That Wrecking Your Beautiful Four-Month-Old Car And Sending You To The Hospital Was Her Fault, and also trying to do all the work that didn’t get done while I was medicated last week because apparently I am the only person in my entire office who can do what I do…

    And then I came to your blog. And read this perfect slice of awesomeness. And now I am happy. Thank you.

  319. I need to remember to read your blog more often. I always find myself happier afterwards. It also reminds me to look at the world through Jenny’s eyes. It’s just better that way.

  321. We always knew you were smarter than the average bear, and weirder, and this really proves it.

    Photo bomb us when you find some Boo-Boos/Mini-Me’s/or Bear Cublettes.

    Or when you wear the bear head to parent-teacher night.

  322. I’ve been reading your blog for a few years and I never comment, I just lurk and giggle to myself. I just had to let you know that this made my day. No. My week. It’s only Tuesday and I’ve been having a pretty rough week. Then I read this. And I laughed and snorted and made all sorts of hideous sounds while wiping away my laughter tears and now I feel better. Thank you.

    Can he sit with you at the table when you eat? Porridge? Nobody really likes to eat alone.

  323. OH! and I totally sang “Teddy Bear’s Picninc” for our school’s talent show when I was in 3rd grade…. but, when it said “watch them, catch them unaware” I thought it said “watch them, catch their underwear” Yeah… scandal in the heart of Utah. LOL

  324. Thank you….I am at work and giggling uncontrollably….totally worth it. I would love to be your neighbor…gotta say it would not be dull 🙂

  325. The last few weeks have been so stressful and then someone posted this on Facebook. I rarely take time to read all the way through. I’m so glad I did. I laughed so hard I cried. Thank you for lifting my spirits today. I love the bear and his name. Keep up the great work.

  327. Oh, how I love you! Could you perhaps mount Beartrum right above a chair at the kitchen table? That way, he could have meals with you.

  329. A friend shared this on Facebook and I have to say, I don’t think I’ve ever read something that made me laugh so fucking hard in my life. Not only did I have to take a break to catch my breath and dry my tears, but I was truly concerned I was going to piss my pants during this read. And those damn pictures! The pictures made everything even better! This was simply fantastic! It is especially appreciated because people have been aggravating me today, so to be able to start my evening off laughing at this is quite wonderful.

  330. I’m wondering if you want Fred,my full grown, stuffed javelina. That I shot myself, near Marfa.

  331. I NEED to start shopping in Texas! You find the best stuff!!
    Had to laugh at Beartrum’s name as my mom (who shares her bent for anxiety with me so I share my teddy bears with her), any way, mom has 6 identical bears all with different names and personalities. Saunders, Bearnard, Bearington, Bearnice, Bearnadette and of course Beartrum. Beartrum is the one who currently goes on all their afternoon drives and so is the most spoiled. He just got a new coat on Saturday! Mom tucks him up between her shoulder and the door so when she pulls up to the drive thru window he can see what is going on.
    How did she get so many of the same bears? Well at least 3 of them my hubby hunted down for her online!!

  336. I don’t understand how you find these amaze balls deals!!! When I find cool shit like this it’s 1000.00$ or more!! Be my personal shopper! I need random giant Beartrums in mah life!

  337. Funniest fucking story I’ve ever read in my life. I’m going to print this and read it every single day, but after I put on a new pair of Depends. PEE WORTHY!!

  338. This makes me so happy! And Victor and Hailey are lucky to have your silliness in their lives.

  342. Just laughed so hard at work I started to cry and once again felt thankful that no one shares an office with me!

  343. This just might be your best work yet! Every picture and caption made me burst out laughing louder than the last. You are quite awesome, Miss Jenny.

  345. Can’t.stop.laughing. Eff. punctuation.

    The husband just told me he wants a bear head over the bed. We could be TWINSIES! Or just s’up at each other at bear head conventions. Whatevs.

  347. Never heard of you, but saw my brother share this on FB….was fucking hilarious….just ordered your book…

  349. I love how from far away Beartrum is all badass bear, but up close he looks like an Ewok! Beartrum Higglebottom Tum Tum!

  351. For a nice and exploring on-line above several working hours presently, having said that i in no way discovered almost any appealing document such as you. It is actually charming cost sufficient to me. In my opinion, in the event virtually all internet marketers and web owners designed excellent content while you have, the world wide web will be considerably more handy than previously.

  352. WAY FUNNY! YOU MADE MY DAY! I WOULD PROUDLY HANG THIS IN MY OFFICE, AND COME UP WITH SOME CRAZY STORY ABOUT IT WAS BETWEEN ME AND THE BEAR, LIFE OR DEATH, LOVE IT

  353. Seriously, THE best birthday gift you could have ever given me. Today is my 30th birthday and I am in tears from laughing so hard. The hubby and I are currently at a standstill and your story may just convince me to give in… He wants a mermaid. Like the kind from the front of a ship. So I guess I could just say yes, OR I could say only if I get to buy a bear head!!

  355. You are awesome. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time and September has been kicking my ass. I usually lurk and read your awesomeness and your always interesting comments. But today I just had to say thank you. And welcome Beartrum Higglebottom (awesome name by the way) to the madness.

  356. You got gypped – that store needs to get up to speed on the Constitution. You have a right to….wait for it….BEAR ARMS!!

  357. Screw HGTV for office decorating tips. I’m looking at pics of your kick-ass office and awesome bear head and am inspired.

  358. you absolutely must come shop with my bff Margo and me. We shop for everything together but I’m not allowed to put a bra on my head anymore. (it was really padded and my ears were cold.) We can’t go to Office Depot unless we’re disguised because of the ‘happy dance’ riot when we found the clearance table. Other than those places and a few others we can go nearly anywhere and bring joy to all!

  359. Ok, I laughed so hard I needed a change of wardrobe. This was just about the funniest thing I have ever read. Thank you.

  363. I so wish I lived in Texas and could find super cool stuff like you! You cannot find stuff like that in Ohio…believe me, I have looked!

  364. OMG…you have grass again….was that the wrong thing to get out of this?? And pretty sure your cat was pleasuring itself…just saying…..

  365. I’m dying laughing! I expected the head of a brown bear that you’d find here in Maine. That’s an effin’ bear on steroids! And he looks thrilled to be living with you!

  368. This article was my introduction to your writing. It had me laughing so hard there were tears coming out of my eyes and stuff threatening to come out of my nose! Well, I finally recovered. Now, I just got off the phone after having an argument with my Mom for not telling me I had a SISTER!

  369. I….can’t….breathe……omg. tears rolling down my face, I snorted, i gagged on excess spit from laughing so hard and wheeze-laughing. I have to go lie down.

  371. Why don’t my cats ever act that interesting? They lead such a sheltered life. I laughed so much, I hurt myself.

  372. I need to meet you. You are made of atoms of awesomeness of a whole new kind. Seriously. I couldn’t bear not laughing out loud while reading this blogpost. Seriously.

  375. Beartrum must have had an awesome orthodontist. His teeth are lovely. 75% off…Hah!

  376. You are a woman after my own heart! I would’ve fought you tooth and paw over this beauty if I’d found him first. And I love his name but I’m thinking Beartrum Hiddenbottom would’ve been my choice ’cause his bottom is hidden, see? Get it? Oh well, I always seem to amuse myself more than others. 🙁

  377. Dear Bloggess,
    Thanks for reminding me to JUST BE SILLY IF I Fu–oops, let me rephrase that–if I feel like it! I’m sure Erma Bombeck is smiling down from heaven. Love to Beartrum and your long-suffering husband.

    best,
    Cathryn

  379. OMG…..I just laughed my ass off and might have peed a little. I think you look beary hot wearing Beartrum!

  384. Good god you’re hilarious. I don’t see why anyone would NOT want a bear head. And good call on bringing it inside… Furries are scary. I’ve seen My Strange Addiction.

  385. You’re awesome. Why couldn’t you move into my neighborhood in michigan? I’d totally let you walk around my yard in a bear head.

  386. I absolutely loved this post. Thank you for the snorts and snickers! However, the OCD part of me insists that I note that “drug” is incorrectly used in this post. Unless I misread it, and you meant to say that you had to drug Victor before he dragged the box out. (Or maybe it’s a Texas thing) 😉

  387. Sure, superficially it might have looked like yoga, but Ferris was bowing–deeply–to the bear head. In Beartrum he recognized the totem of an ancient, animistic god, and as a cat of great good sense, he felt the need to pay homage to such a holy object. Also, of course, he just likes screwing with you.

  388. perhaps Ferris was reading Craigslist? I just started to catch my breath (lost when laughing too much) when I’d read the next thing. Now I’m wheezing and surrounded by damp tissues (from crying from laughing so much). Thank You. LOVE your new picture !!

  389. So AWEsome.

    I’m still intrigued by the pony chandlier, though…what did it look like?

    Love the post.

    Prevail~Tattoo Girl (and Prevailing Brain Bleed Goddess)

  390. That bear had a very good orthodontist. At one time, he must have been with a family who loved him. Probably, they loved him until the chandelier pony came along, who was, most likely, a total accident. I know how he feels. But I digress. Can you taxiderm (taxi? taxidermatize? taxiderminate? limostuff?) a tarantula?