Strangest search terms of the week

Once again, the strangest things people were searching for last week that brought them to thebloggess.com:

“ivaginated penis” (I don’t…what?)

“does pegasus really exist?”  (Yes!  But they’re made of plastic zebras and leftover pieces of cows and geese.  So, I guess, no.  Never mind.)

“I lost an hour.”  (It’s probably daylight savings time.  Or alien abduction.  Or daylight savings time invented to cover up a mass alien abduction.)

“How high is Tony Danza?”  (Um…five foot nine.  Assuming that’s what you’re asking.)

“Why does my cat sniff my eyes?”  (You’re not alone.)

“disney epcot donkey for sale”  (Eeyore?)

“If a girl phones a guy and wazzupps him and he doesnt respond what should she do?”  (Probably stop saying “wazzupp.”)

“Sending dick pic to someone and then pretending it was an accident.”  (Mr. Weiner, you need help.  No one is falling for this shit.)

“Real sightings of God”  (Wow.  And you found yourself directed here.  I am so, so sorry.)

“Dreaming about making out with yourself”  (That’s not normal.  Unless you’re David Tennant.  Then it’s weird, but understandable.)

“Can using meth cause ear infection”  (I think you’re doing meth wrong.)

“how to make a homemade nipple stretcher”  (Hang on.  Like, a stretcher for nipples that need to go to the hospital, or a tool to stretch out your nipples?  Either way, I ‘m confused.  Are enormous nipples good?  Honestly, I don’t even know what kind of nipples are in this year.  Now I’m feeling all self-conscious about my nipples.  Great.  Then again, my mom always said, “Fads come and go.  Just wait long enough and it’ll come into fashion again.”  I’m assuming that goes for nipples as well.)

“How to say hello to your muslim neighbor”  (Pretty sure you just answered your own question.)

“When can I punt my dick in?”  (Please, God, tell me that’s a typo.)

“Accidental lesbian caught”  (I didn’t even know we were looking for her.)

“Albino feces after meth use”  (Speechless.)

“carnival people who swap blood”  (You people are just fucking with me now.)

“vagina punch”  (Like, punching a vagina…or a drink made from vagina?  Either way, I think I’m out.)

“Is planting a st joseph statue witchcraft?” (More like Vague-Catholicism.  But, speaking from experience, it doesn’t work.  Burying Saints, that is.  I have no idea if Catholicism works.)

“fucking bitch” (It’s a bit disconcerting that this exact term brought you here.  THANKS, GOOGLE.)

“which end of the banana is the satan’s anus?”  (I’ve always referred to the bottom of the banana as the “bananus.”  Is that the same thing?)

“How to find a dead squirrel in attic.”  (First you get a squirrel…)

“cat yells at me for not answering phone”  (I hate to side with cats, but you shouldn’t have given him a phone if you weren’t going to answer his calls.)

172 thoughts on “Strangest search terms of the week

Read comments below or add one.

  1. It’s your reactions that always make my day! Thank you for sharing yourself with the world.

  2. Woo hoo I’m first! And I found you through the best of luck, ’cause you’re wonderful

  3. Well, those are less depressing than what bring people to MY website, drugs, drug charges, red light camera ticket, and of course Water World. That one hurts the most.

  4. Are you like the Meth Oracle or what? My God. And I was worried about some of the shit I’ve googled lately for my blog. Clearly, I am not the strangest cat on the web.

  5. I laughed so hard I accidently inhaled some Gatorade I tried to sip right as I started reading. And here I was confused when people started finding my blog by searching for “Do dogs eat rocks?” and “Ugly blue hair”

  6. I’m sitting here going “how WOULD you punt your dick in? I mean, how would the mechanics work?” And then I realized. DUH. Detachable dick. But I don’t think dildos punt that well.

  7. I am reading this at my desk at work and I think I hurt myself trying not to laugh out loud. People are really weird.

    Thanks for the laugh on a cold, snowy, overall aggravating Monday.

  8. I just cried and spit food on my monitor and now I have to go back to work… Damn you!

    Seriously though, these are hysterical! Please continue to share them!

  9. You make me laugh on the regular. And of course Beyoncé will always be my all time best laugh ever…this is a close second!

  10. My latest creepy search term that led to my blog was “brace face porn”. I didn’t realize there was such a thing. But apparently there is, and I lured those folks to my blog by posting about getting braces at age 40. Wow.

  11. My pediatrician told me not to stretch my nipples…just buy a different size.
    WTF!? No not the ones on me…the ones on the bottle, after the peewee stopped taking her milk from the tap.

  12. “Ivaginated penis” – I don’t even know what that means. I’d Google it but I’d probably end up back at your blog.
    “Accidental lesbian caught” – How do you become an accidental lesbian? I thought you either were inclined that way or not. Or does it mean is the caught lesbian is accident prone?
    “How to find a dead squirrel in attic.” – I know the answer to that one! Go into the attic and take a deep breath in through your nose. You’ll find it really quickly!

  13. “which end of the banana is the satan’s anus?”

    I just have to say.. I didn’t know that the end of a banana was called anything else… other than the end of a banana…. I think I’m going with bananus from now on though.

  14. OK, I don’t have to wonder about nipple stretching anymore. Don’t Google it unless you are prepared to be freaked out and start having your breasts ache in sympathy!

  15. Where did you say that reddit scares you? I can’t find it again. Anyway it scares me too. It makes me feel better to tell you.

    (I think I tweeted that once. It’s better now though. Five years ago it was a pretty harsh place to be a girl, but now it’s a bit better. I’m still not on it though. ~ Jenny)

  16. I lose an hour all the time. I used science to find out what happened. The centripetal force from my children accelerated the gravitational pull in my area causing my time to slow down.

  17. “Why does my cat sniff my eyes?” Is much better than, “I think my cat is trying to steal my breathe when I sleep.” Stephen King, you have scarred me for life…

  18. Not only are these terms and your responses hilarious, but getting to read (or reread) past posts of yours that led to these terms being possible to lead them here makes for even more fun! It’s posts like these that make my week!

  19. While porn references still dominate my blog’s search terms (I swear it’s a family friendly blog, really), I am disappointed that “Hayden Christiansen porn” has fallen off the list. Though it has been delightfully replaced by “dog with tennis balls in mouth” and “porn while in corner.”

    Also, I think “Homemade Nipple Stretchers” would be a great name for a band.

  20. I’ve heard smoking can cause ear infections.. Or make them worse? Ugh now I have to Google it.

  21. Laughed out loud til tears fell – and I’m at work. Btw, really want to know how you time in Winnipeg was?

    (The conference and people were fabulous. Everything else was vaguely nightmarish. Check my twitter feed if you need a full session of whining. ~ Jenny)

  22. I don’t even remember how I found you, but I’m slightly disappointed it wasn’t the result of an illogical google search. Wonder if the people who came here via them still read and are feeling slightly proud at the shout out.

    On reflection I think it was Beyoncé. I can’t wait for my 15th wedding anniversary.

  23. I was just looking at my search terms and I was going to do a blog just like this one. Is it considered plagiarism if I tag you in it as my inspiration? I should know the answer to this as I am an English teacher, but sadly, I do not.

  24. If the banana has an end that is called Satan’s anus, then it’s clinched the Most Awesome Fruit in the World award, so to speak.

  25. Fell off the bed laughing! Each one I was convinced was THE FUNNIEST till I read the next one. God I love you! Thanks for the giggles!

  26. You really can go wrong with David Tennant. I mean if I were him I’d make out with myself all day long. LOL!

  27. Wow. Those are special. I’ve had many weird ones that made me want to put rules on the internet so that I didn’t have to know how many people were searching for “anorexic porn machine”. One of my favourites ever, though, was simply “content”. I’ll never know what syllable the emphasis was on…

  28. Wow. You know what the #1 search term that leads people to my blog is? “interesting facts about Washington Irving”. Clearly, I need to broaden my horizens.

  29. I love seeing what search terms bring people to my blog. A few of my favorites:
    Why be mums boobs shape like piramids (sic)
    My little pony porn saddle
    strong flapping vagina
    plastic looking fake boobs
    fake boobs hanging down to floor
    ass beard on hipster

    Gotta love wordpress analytics!

  30. I see this as a challenge….what’s the most random, weird thing I can search to end up here. I know what I’m doing tomorrow at work!!!

  31. I’m with maitriscraps in trying to use new vocabulary words in sentences. Pretty sure I was looking for the bananus for last night’s bread pudding.

  32. Is it pronounced ba-nay-nus? or ba-nah-noos? I want warn people there is a bananus, but I want to make sure I’m pronouncing it correctly.

    (Buh-NAY-nus. ~ Jenny)

  33. Offering another possibility for nipple stretchers… What if it’s a stretcher for transporting humans that is … made of nipples? Wait, nevermind. That’s even more disturbing than anything that could possibly exist in reality. I take it all back.

  34. There could’ve been some penis punting at the Super Bowl yesterday! Or maybe I just don’t understand football. There was some form of punting.

  35. “How to find a dead squirrel in attic.”

    My first thought in answer was “Delicious, but only if it’s fresh and properly seasoned.” DON’T JUDGE ME!

  36. Ok, bananus made me laugh really hard. But which end is the bananus? The part where they are all attached to one another, or the other end?

  37. laughing, trying to hold it in at my desk but
    …tears are running down my cheeks at my desk.

  38. You get the best search terms! But I really have to wonder why those terms send people to your blog when there are at least some of them that you don’t address. Weird. And some people are totally insane, and not in the good way.

  39. I have been having the saddest, weepiest, pitiful last couple of days and reading this today totally made me laugh out loud! Thank you!

  40. Awesome, the best writing is often found between the (….)’s. Just this very day I finished reading all of your archived posts. Seems like years ago when I first started off with FUCKING SHIT, WE’RE IN BUSINESS (and, yes, cursing does make everything funnier). In real time it took me about five months, which is only slightly less time than it took for me to watch all of Breaking Bad when a friend of mine dared me to watch just the pilot. I’m now considering starting Dr. Who. I wonder WHO suggested that one? Anyway, thanks for the loss in productivity at work (my boss wants to stab you a little) and for the annoyed looks of my wife when I’m not really trying to compete with her when watching Wheel of Fortune because I have your blog up on my laptop (she looks stabby too but I think it’s directed more at me or maybe Vanna because she doesn’t really like her, but probably me.)

    I also have to apologize for stealing your phrase “Douche Canoe” when somebody frustrates (not fusstrates) me. I usually only say it in my head though. Today I found a flip book of insulting terms that is split down the middle so you can randomly flip the first half independent of the second half to come up with random douche canoey type terms. The first one I generated was Jizz Waffle. I like it. The phrase, not the food. Jizz Waffles actually sound terrible no matter how much syrup you use. So I am going to use that phrase from now on. But always in my head. Unless it’s in a comment section of a blog post, or on twitter, or facebook. Probably not facebook because my Mom can see that.

  41. Ed Gein made a belt out of human nipples. Perhaps the person searching for stretching their nipples has outgrown their belt…

  42. You make me laugh out loud.
    Also I have some pix for you from a trip to London last last year. Lots of taxidermied critters from the second-best taxidermy shop in London. If you want me to send them please send me an email.

  43. Agreed! Please publish these after a year or so of collecting them. Your responses are equally hilarious as the search terms themselves! Had to share this with my husband…..he just shook his head in disbelief.

  44. you could make a book just out of this subject – and I’d buy copies to hand out on the street….

  45. David Tennant making out with himself? Sounds like Doctor Who fanfic. Fanfic I would totally read.

  46. I love these. Make me snicker every time.

    In addition to the many and varied requests for stick people doing dirty things, today I’ve got “cat noise like underwater.” …Which is actually an appropriate hit, and also a truly heartbreaking sound. I made this noise for my vet once, trying to describe what was going on with my sick kitty. Apparently I am unusually skilled at it.

    Good to know where my strengths lie in life.

  47. Re: Homemade nipple stretcher – You’re so blissfully innocent. It depends on what kind of nipple stretching they’re trying to do. They could be trying to go up a gauge in piercing jewelry. They could be actually trying to make their nipples bigger. Or they could be attaching clamps and weights for S&M nipple stretching.

    You know you’re glad you know me.

  48. I love reading these! Most of the searches leading to our site are at least mostly relevant. Which is good, but also boring! : )

    “Chick pea jelly oven” I think would have to be the strangest. We’ve also had some in Chinese.

  49. Someone just got to my blog by searching ‘sex in rubber shoes’

    My suggestion would be to take them off. Then burn them. Then go to confession for buying them. Unless they are flip flops…then it’s okay.

  50. Thank you for making me snort coffee through my nose, he he he! (You probably don’t want to know the varying options that the ‘nipple stretching’ could be about….) This should totally be a book. Also, can we please get a video of DT making out with himself? It would be just as awesome as him and John Barrowman kissing.

  51. I bet Elton John would know: “Hold me closer, Tony Danza … ”
    Just a guess on my part though.

  52. Jizz waffle is the best insult I’ve heard since, well, douche canoe. Thank you Arionis.

    And is nipple stretching a thing now? Because I’m going to have to respectfully decline and stay with the ones I came with.

    Finally, I always think it’s gotten about as bizarre as it can get around here. I’m always proven wrong. This place is the Austin (Keep Austin Weird) of the internet.

    p.s. I sent some books for you and Hailey that were sequels to some you’d mentioned reading (Bunnicula). Did you ever get them?

  53. I am crying right now……and snorting – I’m a mess really……but a happy mess! 🙂

  54. laughing so hard it hurts. ‘how to make a homemade nipple stretcher’ was a childless, a non-breastfeeder, or a man (or any combination?). because hungry babies are homemade (so to speak) nipple stretchers. they take the nipples straight to the national geographic level.

  55. I seem to remember some possible vagina punching when reading the archives of your blg. And jizz waffle is genius. I’ve learned so many creative ways to vent my displeasure at certain people. My therapist’s eyebrows keep hitting the ceiling.

  56. I am always impressed and envious at the creativity your blog inspires. I’m still stuck pornhunters. The Ukrainians are being outpaced by the Estonians this week. And “circle jerk” reappeared as a search term.

  57. Omg, new pepto commercial has a stuffed squirrel in it and it reminds me of you..mames me giggle every time. My husband is the one that showed me originally saying it reminded him of you…. I always show him your posts!

  58. I’m waiting for the Brazilian wax fad to be over so that I can go to a gynecologist again. I never got into the fad but I don’t want my doctor to think I’m old.

  59. I should really know better than to read this in class… usually leaves me disrupting a lecture with my laughter. You’re brilliant with your comebacks.

  60. My 18 year old son and I don’t get always get to spend good, quality time together, but today we were able to sit together and giggle. We won’t ever be able to eat bananas together without choking on them.

  61. oh. oh god. I really needed this. This made me laugh so, so hard. I feel so much better now. I didn’t even know I was feeling down until I wasn’t anymore.

  62. Two people just came over to my Etsy shop from here. I am scared to know which of the above searches translated to “Go see Dr Brassy”.

  63. Ooh, I’d forgotten about your saint burying. I feel this is a topic I need to explore in more depth (saint burying in general, mind you, not in your specific case).

  64. Couldn’t a vagina punch be a paper punch in the shape of a vagina? You know, like a heart or flower punch in the scrapbooking aisle.

  65. I wish I remembered what I typed in the first place to get me to your blog. Most likely “a jazzy woman, that can make me laugh” but it could have been anything.

  66. I would guess that you stretch a nipple the same way you stretch your ear? I’m trying to imagine what it would look like now when stretched enormously. And how much money the plastic surgeon is going to make when that person goes to them in 20 years to get it put back the way it was.

    Or maybe use a butchers hook – you know like those people that like putting them in their bodies and then hanging off them……

    Honestly, I don’t watch strange TV programmes…..

  67. My mother used to say if you laughed before breakfast, you’d cry before dinner – you’ve officially proved her correct. I laughed so hard I cried. Thanks for that.

  68. Holy Cow… I live in the Philadelphia area. We’re just recovering from our latest snow storm and getting hit with 2 more this week. My back hurts from shoveling, I’m cranky (aka – bitchy), feel I’ll never see sun or green grass again. I’m a Broncos fan and we all know how Sunday went. I have nothing to live for.

    This post changed all that! Thanks for brining some much-needed laughter into my world! Love you, Jenny!

  69. I really don’t know how you get anything done. Seriously, if I had this many google searches to go through, I’d never leave my computer. It’s like a present from google every day. You’re so lucky google likes you so much…

  70. First one- is “ivanginated” a typo for “invaginated”? A male-to-female sex change involves “inverting” the skin of the penis to make a vagina.
    The name for this procedure, I’ve chosen to believe, is “wazzuping”, which may be why the guy didn’t respond to the girl.

  71. Okay…your search words are way weirder than mine….and I’m okay with that. I think. Although some of mine are pretty strange. Usually, they have to do with wifely submission. So I guess nope; you win hands down on this one.

  72. omg jenny. satan’s anus, albino feces, meth-induced ear infection, accidental lesbians… my most common search terms still have to do with twizzler’s having an expiry date and harry potterville at universal studios. BORING.

  73. Sundays mean three things for me: church, PostSecret, and the Weekly Roundup. I figure you’re still defrosting from the trip to the ‘Peg. All good.

  74. “cat yells at me for not answering phone” (I hate to side with cats, but you shouldn’t have given him a phone if you weren’t going to answer his calls.)

    Uhmmm…my Mom remarks on people not calling her…when they are and she’s not answering or returning her messages..

    I guess cats and Moms are pissy like that. I’m giving the benefit of doubt to the cats on this one.

    “When can I punt my dick in?” (Please, God, tell me that’s a typo.)
    I guess when the time is right? Not my call to make…but good luck with that.

    Thanks for the laughs.

  75. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s snowing like crazy here, I still had to go to work, I dropped my phone in a snow pile, my feet are wet and cold; I am crabby. This made me laugh out loud! Thank you.

  76. I love that you did this. I go to search terms every morning because I am always sure to find something to make me smile. I am not sure that mine come close to yours though for that.

  77. “Albino feces after meth use”

    I kind of regret eating tapioca pudding while reading this blog post.

  78. Dear God, I needed that. Thank you. You should believe that you are ridiculously funny. The book was not a fluke and you are not faking it or getting lucky.
    Hugs.

  79. I keep thinking “no way will there be any new search terms”. Man, was I wrong. These are seriously funny. Some are also slightly horrifying.

  80. I totally belong here. I was going to comment that I have a very weird group of friends, so I know what nipple stretching is and you DO NOT want to Google it. Y’ALL ARE AS WEIRD AS ME! LOVE YOU BUNCHES!

  81. The only three requirements I have for people in my life is that they make me laugh, use deodorant and brush their teeth. I’m waiving the last two for you. You are my new favorite person.

  82. Reblogged this on brainconfetti and commented:

    My goal is to one day attract the sort of blog readers that enter THESE phrases into Brain Confetti’s search engine. By the way, if you haven’t read any of the works Jenny Lawson’s (aka “The Bloggess”), I seriously question our friendship.

  83. Thank you so much, this post just made my day. I’m up because I’m too depressed to sleep and too tired to do anything productive. Your book was awesome and I love this post, thank you for being awesome.

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