I just saw this on the “Buy-one-get-one-half-off” rack at our local toy store:
I assumed the eye-patch was for after you’d shot your brother’s eye out, but Victor thought that it was perhaps preventative, because if you were pretending to be a pirate while being shot at you’d have one less eye exposed to the crossfire.
Either way, I want to lick whoever put these two things together.
****************
And in other news, it’s Monday, but I didn’t post the weekly wrap-up yesterday because I knew you were too busy recovering from having to spend time with family, so instead I’m doing the Monday wrap-up so you have a way to ease yourself back into work with a little distraction: 
What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- The perfect card for Mother’s Day.
- I made this for myself for days when I don’t want people fucking with me. I recommend wearing it when you’re feeling antisocial, when you want to avoid street harassment, or when you’d like people to stop staring at your chest.
What you missed on the internets:
- Kick-ass stuff I pinned.
- Want to be part of a book club reading my book without actually leaving the house? Here you go.
- Audible listed Let’s Pretend This Never Happened as one of the best author-narrated books. I may have squealed a little.
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- How to make paper claws. I haven’t perfected it yet, but when I do everyone in this house is going to have paper cuts.
- “And the tree was like, “Fuck this.”
- I’m pretty sure this guy sold his soul to the devil.
- I can’t remember if I posted this, but you really can’t see it too many times.
Shame they didn’t also hang a bottle of rum on that display. Nothing goes better with a pirate-themed shooting spree than rum.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
You have a typo: after you’d shot your bRother’s eye out
(Fixed. Thanks! ~ Jenny)
Maybe she assumes that, if you’re shooting him, your bRother is a bother.
Nope is one of my most favorite words ever.
I believe in chaos and vote for you, Jenny.
The Owl video is hysterical. In case you haven’t seen this:
I think we can all agree that genius store display placement was at work there.
Bah! Love the Mother’s Day card! Freaking awesome. And my kid would totally give me a card like that, because that’s how he rolls at 13.
I’ve wanted to wear an eye-patch since the 9th grade. My mom used to watch whatever soap opera that was with “Bo” and “Fancy Face.” I just know my life would have been sooooo much cooler if I’d lost an eye for real at 13. Right now, I’d be living in a fancy house with a fancy face of my own. But alas, no.
I used to have a crush on a guy with an eye patch…I haven’t thought of him in years..
wonder if he’s still hot?
I honestly had to google potato gun. I mean I’ve heard the term, but I didn’t realize you use real potatoes. Do you put the whole potato into the gun at once, or do you first have to slice it up? I hate to sound like an anti-gun pussy, considering you live in Texas, but wouldn’t it be better to just make french fries? I’m an eater, not a fighter.
I agree with Victor; the patch is a preventative measure, just for a different reason. If you wear the eye patch while shooting the potato gun, your depth perception will suck and jack up your aim and your brother is less likely to lose an eye.
I have that very eye patch sitting on my desk!!! A coworker brought it for me one day after I spent an afternoon covering up one eye because I lost a contact and thought I was less likely to get a migraine if I covered the bum eye with a pad of paper. The eye patch model also looks creepily like a different co-worker… And even though I offered my eye patch to our office dog who’d lost his eye (thanks a lot, Glaucoma, jerk) he declined. So there it sits. And that is why I’m writing a long weird comment about an eye patch.
I’m always looking for an appropriate Mother’s Day Card in which I do not have to lie. Something like: You were a perfectly mediocre mom and no one died. Or even: Thanks for all the pain because it drove me to therapy and now I am a better adult. Sadly, they hardly ever make those cards. I can’t even use yours because I was adopted!!
That is the best product placement in the history of stores.
I cannot even see the word “gun” without thinking of poor Ralphie shooting his eye out. Brilliant marketing ploy, toy shop worker!
Also, the Poodle exercise video Jamie posted the link to – well done, sir or madame.
Will there be a book tour for the new book??
(Yup. ~ Jenny)
I want one if those shirts for every day of the week. Awesome.
Very good thinking.
Usually, I’m happily warped by whatever it is you post, Jenny. But today that honor goes to Jamie at number 6. WTF was that??? Maybe it was punishment for procrastinating on graphic design things today. Or for comparing Jesus to the X-Men yesterday. (He had powers!) Oh you cruel yet oddly karmic universe.
Found down the aisle from the lawn darts and sterile gauze, next to the slip ‘n slide and bactine. #ChildOfTheSeventies
I should’ve had that eye patch yesterday. My five-year-old either has very good aim or very bad aim. Not really sure which.
It’s sad how much I want to read all those books!
Yes. Yes. A million times yes to that perfect example of merchandising at its best! Bravo!
I would imagine some snarky asshole stuck the eyepatch up there. Maybe Victor.
This is the kind of thing that would make Don Draper’s butt pucker up on Mad Men. I LOVE it.
when I was 3 my brother shot me in the eye with one of those guns that shot suction cups on a stick. It was the ’60s. My parents thought it was an accident. It was an on purpose!!! But I digress. That eye has always been worse than the other. A preventative eye patch might have been good. But which eye do you wear it on?
I want to claim I put those there, just so in later life I would be able to say “You’ve heard of Jenny Lawson? Yeah, The Bloggess, right. She totally licked me once. She was wearing the wolf, too.”
Kids will destroy themselves and each other with toys, no matter what kind of safety precautions you take. My dad bought Nerf bats for my three little brothers, and used to send them outside to battle out their aggression when they were fighting. This worked great, until they discovered the Nerf part came off and they could just hit each other with sticks. Ah, childhood
My husband and his brothers used to play bb gun tag. They’d wear winter coats, you know, for safety. I bet they’d have been all over the eye patch idea.
You may be right about ring guy selling his soul. That is just not a normal skill. I wonder what my soul would be worth…slightly used.
AND it’s on the half-off rack so it completes the “I told you so” triumvirate.
That looks like an excellent way to do my nails for my cousin’s wedding. FTW
Do you get a discount if you buy the ey patches in pairs? Am I the only one who´s noticed you never see pirates wearing pairs of eye patches? Weird? or what?
Warning: my latest post may frighten those of a nervous disposition: http://bryanhemming.wordpress.com/2014/04/18/rats-rats-big-as-bloomin-cats-in-the-store/
The least they could do is include the potato.
What else is childhood for than to risk limbs and one’s vision in pursuit of cheap thrills, Jenny?
LOL. It’s comforting to know that some store employees these days are old enough to remember that movie, and to put those products up together.
Or…it’s a fluke caused by some kid of a clerk who has no idea why that’s funny, and I’m as old as dirt. Probably that.
They totally stole that idea from whoever put chocolate next to the tampon aisle, and yet, there are still no decent crackers near cheeseballs, and no, I wasn’t talking about white people.
If I owned a potato gun and an eye patch I could no longer be responsible for my own actions. Now I have to go find a potato gun and an eye patch.
BTW, I think you are right. It’s there for when you shoot your eye out. Tell Victor, if they were trying to be preventative, it would have came with a bench rest. I was thinking at first it was for a costume, but that would have been a machete paired with an eye patch and parrots that say ARRR and random profanities like “Dirty Bird, squawk, eat shit.”
hahaha l love this- also in your recap, your Pinterest find- “How Frozen should have ended” — too funny!
I 100% bought my husband that potato gun for Christmas last year. It was a ton of fun, and entertained the dog for hours while he searched the house’s every nook and cranny for tiny chunks of tater.
My husband wears an eye patch when he does yard work. He is my personal pirate. Now, I have to get him the gun to go with it!
Potato gun.. Wait, what? When I think potato gun I think of the big potato bazookas that hicks built out of pvc pipe. Load an entire potato- FIRE AN ENTIRE POTATO. Big booming fun.
I need you to know that at Salt Lake Comic Con last weekend, I saw a painting of a lady in curlers and I squeed and said, “THAT’S THE BLOGGESS, ISN’T IT?!!?!” And the guy was like no, BUT I’VE BEEN GETTING THAT ALL WEEKEND. And then somebody else walked into the booth behind me and was like, “THAT’S THE BLOGGESS, ISN’T IT?!!?!” We were all thinking of you. Also, my bff and I got our picture taken with Nathan Fillion and Adam Baldwin and my roommate TOTALLY HAD TWINE UNDER HER JAYNE HAT I ASSURE YOU THIS IS TRUE. Sorry about the caps lock overkill. COMIC CON IS EXCITING TO ME.
Everything about this post rocks my socks.
I had to wear an eye patch once, because of an eye infection. No cool story there. But I did rock that patch. Kind of sideways though. One eye throws yo ass off balance.
-Angie
http://smithshack71.blogspot.com/2014/04/principal-integrity-fairness.html
It’s about my high school principal telling me to quit school. And I did. And he was a dick.
When I saw the claws, all I could think of was this: http://www.pinterest.com/pin/430375308113096349/
I know what my Halloween costume is gonna be this year!
I think I want to get my mom that card……. My oldest we could never made those jokes because she got sliced out of me. My youngest I had a VBAC abs that girl came during our of me like the marvel comic Storm hence her middle name is Storm.
And I love seeing perfectly placed merchandise at stores.
Sure, when you say you want to lick someone it sounds quirky and cute. When I say it it sounds ‘creepy’ and ‘disturbing.’
Of course, when I was growing up “licking” someone had a very different meaning than your usage, as in 1) Beating them up or 2) Swatting/paddling/belting them on the backside. Which are still kind of appropriate in this case… 😛
…and I just noticed the appropriateness of my chosen emoticon…
I really like your Mother’s Day card. Even though my mother is dead. And she was a psycho. Plus,. I was born by c-section. xo
That was clever indeed, but this one may be better: http://www.flickr.com/photos/kendrakicks/1372580652/
That is awesome. I found condoms being sold next to the diapers.
so, the greatest part of this is that I looked at the “how to make claws” tutorial. At the bottom was an add regarding something or other about divorce (my darned mind forgot the actual title already!). Anyway..thought it was funny…
Did I miss last week’s “Shit I did when I wasn’t here”? Was it destroyed by squirrel ghosts that nibbled through phantom Internet links? Am I going quietly mad? Does anyone else read old stories about the upper classes ‘dressing for dinner’ and imagine they spent all their non-dining time gloriously nude?
That NOPE T shirt. Cuz otherwise I’m moving through life muttering “Nope” at the crazies like these guys do at 54 seconds:
http://youtu.be/TStPNqex3uA
“It’s a German fairy tale, so… it’s a little dark, I guess.
I don’t think we are allowed spud guns in England anymore. It was considered anti-potato by the PC lobby so they banned them. It doesn’t cause me an issue though because I just fire whole potatoes from a catapult made out of strong knicker elastic.
It is for people like me, who only have one eye, no I am not a cyclops, well I am but not a born one, a made one. You never know when your eye will pop out and end up somewhere it shouldn’t and you need to cover the space it left. A good sneeze can cause more than farting for some!
Either that, or it was Take Home A Pirate Day.
Totally unrelated but I felt like telling someone I had a shit-weird day yesterday. Had a panic attack and felt agitated so here I am, my insomnia evident at 5:30 a.m. on Tuesday. OH GOSH. I hope I don’t sound depressing. Now I’m randomly laughing. Go figure. If you can. I don’t feel figure-able. <3 you Jenny!
Thank you for posting today. Trying to remember depression lies, just coming here reminded me.
I had no idea they still made potato guns. Yeah! Carbohydrate weaponry for everyone! Take careful aim at anyone who’s talking about that damn Paleo diet.
Whoever that genius was … he has watched A Christmas Story one too many times.
Love it!
It’s genius marketing. Congrats on the Audible award!
“Uhhhhhh…..nope.” <— one of my most used lines. Ever.
“Completely harmless. Never wears out.”
Apparently the potato gun is made of magic.
It comes out interesting if you run the sound on the owl mockumentary at the same time as you watch the circle act.
I love A Christmas Story as much as the next gal, but my mind went right to Escape from New York. Call me Snake.
Worst part of my day…I caught a 3rd grader with a 9″ ray gun down his pants, complete with flashing lights and sound effects. 1.He somehow hid it until last period, which means he was sneakier than I am awesome. 2. He’s too young for me to make a crack about his being happy to see me. Worst missed opportunity of my life.
so speaking of your red dress – or not – I saw this video and immediately thought of you.
you can thank me later 🙂
uh… is it just me, or are the directions for the origami claws exactly backwards from what the hands in the video are actually doing?
It was perfect with the typo. Hmph. And I read there was a good reason pirates wore eye patches. Not sure it’s verified, but it was interesting. Not interesting enough to retell here, but interesting enough to mention.
So now I’m thinking my MIL wanted us all to shoot one another’s eyes out, since she bought us the potato guns but not the pirate couture eye protection. WTF?
Also, I was going to post that poodle video on my site a while back, but was so freaked out by the weirdness of it all, that I kinda wanted to shoot myself in the eyes with the potato gun to make it stop. I discovered it after finding this gem:
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKjaFG4YN6g&w=420&h=315%5D
You are awesome! I had a potato gun like that when I was younger. I may not have got shot in the eye, but if I did, you need more than a patch to protect it! Those things are little but they really hurt. The fact that they put these two things together though is awesome! Here is a little bit of a bigger potato gun that is awesome as well.
8 pounds of uncut cocaine is the best thing I have ever heard! if anyone saw my credit card bill after I buy anything from you, I think they will be a little confused.
Howdy from El-Lay! I found this taxidermy site and thought, “Shit, The Bloggess needs this! Wait, I NEED THIS!” So there, you can’t have it all.
Here’s your share…
https://twitter.com/CrapTaxidermy
I just wanted to pop by and let you know I followed your “wrap-up” to Elle Kennedy’s book All Fired Up. I bought it (seriously, $0.99 cents?) and I love it so far! I’ve read the 50 shades series and was looking for another smutty book series to get into. Elle has definitely delivered and I’m only just past the first sex scene! Wowza, is it hot in here? Oh no, it’s just Elle and her fabulous, detailed, delish writing 🙂
I love the optimism of thinking that eye patch is preventative. Like an athletic cup, only for your eye. Also, how do you decide which eye to put it on if its preventative? It’s like Sophie’s choice.
zefrank on youtube is pretty darn hysterical…
http://youtu.be/eHi9FvUPSdQ
It’s genius marketing. Congrats on the Audible award!