No. No. Nope. ALL THE NOPES.

If you’ve been here long enough you know I have a terrific fear of anything tentacled, and that I’m fairly certain giant squids will one day take over the world.

This isn’t helping:

We’re not even safe on land, you guys.  I don’t even trust the toilet anymore at this point.

204 thoughts on “No. No. Nope. ALL THE NOPES.

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  1. My husband is afraid of whales, like deathly afraid. I don’t want to show him this, it might add squid to his phobia. I’ll never get him in the ocean, then.

  2. What the what?

    And also, please tell me that a child was holding that camera. Because otherwise it is the shakiest footage I have seen since I had to leave The Bourne Ultimatum due to motion sickness.

  3. One of the ways I don’t wanna go is to be eaten by a giant squid. If I have to be eaten by an animal, I want it to have some ability to recognize my humanity and maybe even feel a tiny bit of remorse.

  4. Trusting toilets? Nope. Not with ginormous Australian toilet spiders lurking under seats and rims. Sooner or later you’ll see that video and realize…THEY HAVE EIGHT LEGS JUST LIKE AN OCTOPUS. Draw your own conclusions.

  5. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!! I can’t even. I share your fear and terror and horror of tentacles. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Someone told me a story a while back about a girl who went to use the toilet and a rat swam out of it. Toilets creeped me out for months afterward!

  7. What in the…? Octopuses (octopi?) can jump out of the water? One more reason I’ll stick with pools! I haven’t trusted public toilets since I saw Copycat…now I have to worry about this?!

  8. Ever since I was little and decided that an alligator was going to crawl out of the toilet and bite my but, I’ve been on the untrusting of toilets wagon – welcome!

  9. that’s insane!! (but kind of awesome). you’re totally watching that repeatedly and freaking yourself out, aren’t you ;-P

  10. I used to work at an aquarium and we had giant pacific octopuses on display. There were several that tried to escape their tank at one point and were found in the middle of the night crawling across the floor! Luckily a well-latched lid lined with astroturf (they don’t like the texture of that material and it makes it difficult for their suckers to stick to) fixed that problem! 😉

  11. OMG! I hate tentacled creatures too! My husband has a field day with that one. Never google cuttlefish.

  12. Haha this is awesome!!! I for one welcome our new 8 legged overlords 🙂

    All things tentacled are my favorites, in fact I have a very large tattoo of a coconut octopus on my chest. These tentacled creatures are highly intelligent and very interesting, give them a chance 🙂

  13. HOLY CRAP! How can it move so fast on freakin’ land like that? And here I thought that all I had to worry about in the ocean were sharks. Thanks a friggin’ lot for sharing Jenny. A whole friggin’ lot. (That was some sarcasm there in case you hadn’t picked up on it.) 🙂

  14. The Hatfield Marine Science Center in Oregon had to put a lid on their octopus tank because it would get out and explore the museum at night.

  15. Well, okay now, octopus, you have a crab. Now what? I have a complete skeleton and UTENSILS and I have a hard time eating crab. How does a cephalopod mollusc deal with that whole armored outside thing. Do I want to know?

    PS. why is the link thingy still not working for me?

    http://www.psb1969.blogspot.com

  16. Fear not, Ms Bloggess… tentacled creatures have gills and wouldn’t last long enough out of the water to take over the world. I should think having a bad case of crabs would be the larger fear, which obviously this brave bugger didn’t mind catching.

  17. Oh no, all the nopes! This better not be the new thing for tentacled ocean dwellers.

    They need to not be all working on getting out of the ocean to see what else is going on out here. Like, “HEY. Is that a MCDONALDS?”

    no

  18. I find octopus videos a little entertaining and not scary because I am here and they are there.

  19. I have to share this with a friend of mine who LOVES octopods (her fave is the cuttlefish) and is absolutely terrified of anything in a seashell.

    By the way, this just made the news: Octopus steals scientist’s GoPro http://goo.gl/NlbH3h

    And, finally, Frank (#19) – you, sir, are a bastard. That pic is terrifying and I will now check my toilet for lurking octopods.

  20. This was a shock but it is their camouflage abilities that scare me a little more. You can’t even see them! If the octopi and the crows partner up, we’re doomed.

  21. OK, that’s creepy and it’s not even tentacles that get me. It’s legs. Centipedes and millipedes give me the willies.

  22. Ended up less ‘nope’ than I thought it was going to be at least. I thought that whole giant rock thing he was hiding under was going to turn out to be a giant octopus!

  23. dont worry. I have a friend who loves Calimari enough that giant land squid will NOT become a problem. Neither will giant space squid. Yes, we have discussed this, so I’m not just assuming.

  24. Huh. I always figured it would be the manta rays, with their smug little smiley faces underneath. I bet they’re in league with the octopi. Takeover alien bastards.

  25. Those things can jump out of the water? I’ll stay right here in the snow in the Pocono mountains, thank you. I used to live at the NJ shore and every crab I ever saw then looked like an angry mofo that could snap one’s finger off. That crab in the video actually looked scared. Or maybe I’m projecting a bit.

  26. Now, Jenny. You are not the octopus’s natural prey. He would just give you a little hug, like Hunter S. Thomcat.

  27. It’s tentacles were gong crazy. Reminds me of the scene in The Thing where the guy’s head exploded and all these crazy tentacle things were flopping about…..

  28. I may have to stop reading this blog. Pretty soon I won’t be able to eat anything or leave the house. And since there are spiders under the rim of my toilet, I will have to utilize a bucket instead.

  29. Nowhere near as scary as this squid from another universe

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    Post by Slamboree.

  30. uncomfortable shudder

    I jumped when it jumped then the bleeping cat jumped onto my bleeping lap, and I was like, “Bleepity BLEEP!”

  31. It’s funny you should mention the toilet b/c I always believed that story I was told in elementary school about the baby alligator that ended up in someone’s toilet, having entered from the sewer system. Now you’ve reminded me. Sigh. I’m not sure I ever got over that one:).

  32. OH MY EFFING GOD. Look at its gaping mouth as it abducts that poor crab back to its lair to its horrific fate….

  33. Wow! Didn’t know they could move that fast out of water! And yeah, not crazy about them either. They have to be careful when they have them in aquariums because they are smart enough to figure out how to get out of the tank if it’s not well secured.

    And, my husband likes to eat squid salad when we go to the Chinese restaurant that has it. I can’t watch.

    Thanks for sharing that little nightmare!

  34. Now that these tentacled critters are on dry land, first thing they’ll learn to do is use the Internet. Then they’ll start using 3D printers to give themselves opposable thumbs. Then they’ll take over the world. We’re done for.

  35. That’s fantastic. The trick now is to catch the octopus with the crab so you can cook a lovely seafood dinner for one 😀 I’d call it crabpussy soup!

  36. OH MY GOD!!!! Alton Brown was right about them taking over the world in the future. Now we have to follow his plan. Eat Them Before They Eat Us! I need calamari and sushi stat, and none of that farm raised crap. I want the ones that eat crabs and sharks and people.

  37. I think you’re pretty safe, so long as you don’t dress up as a crab when you go to the seaside.
    Other than that I think it’s pretty cool, & proves that the octopus is a much more intelligent creature than it’s usually given credit for.

  38. Never sit on a toilet without checking it first. That’s an unbreakable rule. Go to the bathroom at night, need to turn the light on and check cause you never know. (Pretty sure this is one of the reasons my ex-husband divorced me, cause I refused to believe the toilet was safe without checking it first)

  39. So…until today, I was pretty much fine with all things aquatic except moray eels, which are just too smiley for me to trust. My sole thought on tentacle creatures was that I prefer not to eat them (because rubbery). Now, though? No. Just no. Ugh….tentacles…everywhere. Not okay now. Must go self-soothe. Or drink heavily. Either way.

  40. So I was thinking this would make your skin crawl, just like the octopus. It appears that they are coming to get us, but the flash of a camera will chase them away.

  41. ditto the ‘better be a kid’ with the camera. oh my God my eyes! I had it maxed on the screen leaning in. Talk about a migraine now.. ouch.

  42. If you haven’t watched this “true facts” episode about the octopus, you really need to check it out. I couldn’t stop laughing. 🙂 And it seems like your kind of humor, Jenny.

  43. Oh man, I think he’s adorable!! Have you ever seen those cutie pies open a jar with sheer will-and-tentacle-power? I love any animal that could help out around the house.

  44. I’m giggling at the irony here. As soon as you blog about a phobia, 200 loyal fans will link you 586 videos of even worse examples of what drives you totally batshit spazmoid. Have a heart peeps. ~giggle and looks for Octopi videos~
    What’s really weird is that I just randomly metaphorically octopi-ed on my own blog. Maybe it’s the full moon, which is actually a giant space squid.
    By the way . . . does anyone else find it kind of frightening to even think about having a live crab in your stomach, with pincers and all? Yeeek!!

  45. Great, now I want calamari & crab for dinner, but it’s the hubs 40th bday & he’s ruled Mexican.

  46. I’m that way about snakes. Every three years or so, about the time I sort of forget to be worried, there will be yet another report of a snake in someone’s toilet.

    I force myself to be a big girl and go without turning on the light in the middle of the night, but. No, really. I can’t help thinking that one of these days…

  47. The thing that creeps me out is that it moves like the lady in “The Grudge”–now I have to check my toilet and my closet!

  48. That is so cool! I had no idea they could do that! wow! Did you see all the debris around the opening of his hiding place. That is called an Octopuses Garden. They toss out everything they can’t digest. So cool!

  49. My friend’s five year old son just told us this morning that pro football players have to wear plastic protectors on their tentacles.

  50. I remember a story where fish in the fridge kept going missing from an aquarium, and when they installed a camera they found their octopus would get out of the tank, get into the next room, steal fish, then sneak back.

  51. I don’t think you have enough nopes so I will lend you all the extras that I have. I’ll need them back if I see a spider though.

  52. Ah, good old Western Australia! I live on the north west coast of Australia (aka The Edge of Nowhere), and I’ve heard stories of squid/octopus eating flat back turtle hatchlings on their way out to sea, and always thought it was a local legend, not real. After watching that I think they might have been right!

  53. This thread has become like aversion therapy…you see enough of them, you become immune. Or maybe you slip into a fear induced coma. Whatev’s.

  54. Wait, I seem to remember that somebody has a Kraken umbrella from the Kraken rum people. Who could that be? Kraken’s have tentacles, but maybe they are not so scary when they are drunk. Or when you are drunk. Either way.

  55. Hey, octopuses have a copper-based blood (unlike ours which is iron with a tiny bit of copper), so they tire very easily. Think about that. You CAN run away. They’re also highly intelligent. They’re about as smart as a cat.

    There’s something else to think about: Ferris Mewler is more likely to kill you than an octopus, and they have equal intelligence.

  56. The crab was trouble. And asking for it. Octopuses will be our overlords eventually. Submit now.

  57. When I was 14 and “tidepooling” on a field trip, an octopus attached itself to my leg and the teacher wouldn’t let me beat it with a rock to get it off, so I had to sit there with my leg in the water until it stopped trying to suck the life out of my shin. Basically, I may have wet my pants a little when I watched this video.

  58. SWEET BABY JESUS, THIS WILL GIVE ME NIGHTMARES FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! sorry i had to yell, but OMG, that was terrifying. it quite literally made my skin tingle and every muscle in my body tense in horror. Clearly my bad for watching, since you prefaced it, but it was one of those things were i felt like i needed to see it because you shared it…but now i’ll never unsee it and it makes me question my decision making process. So thanks for that. Love you (in a non stalkery, but more sweet/flattering fan kinda way) so yeah, don’t do that again!

  59. I actually thought it was quite funny – I love how after the occy grabbed the crab his tentacles were all waving and randomly flapping around, like he was going “WOOHOO I got him! Crab for tea, yum I can’t wait!”

  60. I love octopus. They are so smart. I would like to be an octopus in my next life. But I promise not to occupy Jenny’s toilet.

  61. You think you’re scared – I live three hours from Yallingup and have been there many times! I thought it was the man-eating sharks we had to worry about but now I can’t even go near the freaking rock pools!!

  62. Sorry for the thread-jack but you’re the best person I could think of for advice on where to find a roughly life-sized giant panda statue, cheap, and I couldn’t figure out a more appropriate place to ask you. I need it to hide in a bamboo grove at my dad’s & his fiance’s new house for their wedding. I can’t afford a $700 bear. Any ideas?

  63. What. The Actual. Fuck.
    Seriously Jenny, 50% of your posts result in nightmares for me. You’re doing it on purpose I’m sure you are…

  64. Nah, squid are nothing to be afraid of. They’re dumb as a box of rocks. Octopi, on the other hand, those things are freakishly smart…

  65. Yeah, this video pretty much cured me of my fear of land shark; now I have something more horrifying to fear. On an entirely unrelated note, I’m meeting David Tennant this weekend. Thought you might appreciate that; you should come to NC, you could meet him too 🙂

  66. I don’t trust anything with fewer than 6 legs.

    Seriously! It’s the two-legged animals that give me the most trouble by far, followed by the four-legged varieties. By the time you get to things like tarantulas, we’re good.

    All I am saying is give octopi a chance.

  67. I thought it was just ME who had this fear. I am also of crustaceans. So this kind of embodies my two worst fears. Thanks Jenny.

  68. I am so glad I’m not the only one. We had one try to escape from the aquarium here. That effing video is horrifying to watch. Also ? Every time I tell someone about my fear, they talk about how smart of an animal an octopus is? I always think “And that matters why?”….

  69. I think it’s an octopus. They are actually awesome creatures. We’ve been staying in South Africa for a year and here at the beach you sometimes see them in tidal pools. Once I was standing in one and watching an octopus and he darted to the other side. I jumped out of the pool but I don’t think he would have done anything to me. They change their color to blend in. When they are on the sand they are beige and when they move to the rocks they turn whatever color the rock is. It’s actually really cool.

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