me: For Mother’s Day this year I want this teddy bear. Or rabbit, maybe? It has teeth and it’s adorable.
Victor: I…don’t think I want that in the house.
me: It’s tiny and under $40. Plus, I’m pretty sure you can’t say no to me on Mother’s Day. I made a human out of my body.
Victor: Well I helped.
Victor: EXCUSE ME? Millions of my replicants were destroyed in the process of making our child.
Victor: Yep. And I better get something awesome for Father’s Day. It’s like Remembrance Day for the millions of replicants who didn’t make it.
me: Oh Jesus.
Victor: Never forget, Jenny.
me: Well, I can’t now.
PS. Vaguely related: Happy Mother’s Day to my mom who is the greatest woman I’ve ever met, and Happy Mother’s Day to my daughter because she’s the one who made me a mother. And high-five to anyone who has weird, conflicting or shitty feelings about Mother’s Day and wishes it would all go away. Go get yourself a kitten and a waffle. You deserve it. Get me some too while you’re at it.
And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- Broken and Magical. (All the best of us are.)
- Kick-ass stuff I pinned.
- The silent meow.
- My book got a good review from Kirkus and I melted with relief.
- I’d still eat it.
Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Darcy Perdu, award-winning humorist who loves to share her bodacious blunders and amazing adventures at SoThenStories.com. She’ll gleefully tell you about the Baby Book Debacle – the hilarious reason her friend’s husband is mad at her, and why some people think she’s raising her daughter to be a stripper. You can subscribe to her blog right here so you don’t miss a second.
84 thoughts on “All I want for Mother’s Day is Herbert and his two front teeth.”
Read comments below or add one.
A kitten and a waffle, or a stick of butter and a beer – whatever floats your boat. Happy mom’s day!
He doesn’t look evil, just misunderstood.
I love that Victor refers to his sperm as “replicants” 🙂
Maybe there should be a “Tomb of the Unknown Replicant” for Victor, but I’m thinking it would be so small as to be microscopic.
Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny. Ya did good.
All I want for Mother’s Day is to get Herbert out of my head. That and an emerald ring.
Happy Mother’s Day!! My son is with my ex and his girlfriend, this would have been my 12th wedding anniversary, and I was alone in my bed this morning. I think I need Herbert.
This conversation explains why you & Victor work as a couple!
We may be getting a Wallaby for Mother’s Day but no where near as cute as the teddy bunny.
For me, spending today with Mother Nature takes some of the sting out of having an absent mom.
Cherish what you can.
No, That scares me. Make it stop. HALP HALP.
It sounds like Victor has finally figured out how to properly argue with you.
I need those lobster claws. Thank you for that.
Happy Mom’s Day, Jenny.
I know you’ve had your ups and downs lately, but you’re a survivor – and a kick-ass scribe.
All the best.
Haha, thanks to Victor, now Mother’s Day is about birth and death…but then, isn’t everything…
Thanks for the conflicted/shitty emotions blurb. Needed that. 🙂
Oh, lawdy! I eat ALL cakes. ALL CAKES.
But THOSE cakes? I dunno…maybe with a blindfold…?
But also feeling hungry for cake.
Herbert looks possessed. Like I would expect weird stuff to start happening after bringing him into a home.
I can honestly say I would never want Herbert any time of year, ever. Happy Mother’s Day.
Happy Mother’s Day to Jenny and all the other RBVs* out there.
Thank you for this post to lighten the mood on what for many is a very complicated and emotional day. Shared with others who are hiding under the covers with their cats & engaging is excessive retail therapy & such. Whatever it takes. So happy you’re coming to my city for your book tour!!!
Whoops! Meant to leave this link in case it might help anyone else. Wine, food, friends & grieving: http://bonvivantdc.com/and-so-it-goes/
Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny. Thanks for honoring all of us. You are such a gift.
Thanks for the highfive and best summation of this tricky holiday for me. Off to find a kitten and a waffle.
If I’m super emotional, can I have many kittens and several waffles? I’ll share with you, of course!
Haha. Victor fights dirty!
Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny.
ya know damn…if you can’t have the f’n giant giraffe, this is the only logical choice. and now with the possibly trauma based “memory” that your beloved freely gave you, I say foot the bill for Giraffe Victor and the damn biting brown fur ball.
I think that every woman in America wishes they had a Victor in the house – he is made of awesome.
If Chucky and a chocolate Easter bunny had a kid, I think this is what it would look like
My “Victor” (after I read this exchange to him): We honor our fallen heroes, Victor.
Me: Dude, we decided not to have kids decades ago.
My “Victor”: Well, yeah, so ALL of my replicants have fallen. I want some kind of memorial.
Me: Oh Jesus.
Happy Mom’s Day to moms of two-leggers and four-leggers alike! If this day brings on the dementors, arm yourself with chocolate and practice random acts of self-care.
Haha! Reminds me of that scene out of Bicentennial Man.
Robin Williams: “What happens to the rest?”
Other guy: “They die.”
Robin Williams: “That’s so sad.”
Victor is awesome! There I said it 😀
This is fabulous… I can’t help but wonder what you are going to present Victor with for Father’s Day? Perhaps a flag for his fallen soldiers?
Cut to Graham Chapmam yelling “RUN AWAY!!!”
“…instantly make you more lobstery…”
Now that I commented on Darcy’s to be a stripper post, I’m afraid, very afraid, that I may get a job as a stripper. Do they still hire 52 year olds? I’d definitely need to wear an underwire bra to support my aging girls. Gravity is a bitch.
that victor is a very wise guy. replicants indeed. remembrance day indeed.
Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day, Jenny!
The rabbit is creepy.
Darcy Perdu is oh so awesome.
I have conflicted feelings about today, which is why my therapist sent my mom a card saying “Thanks for my new car!”
Tiny, evil and cute. Like one of my kids.:)
And this is one of those times we all remember Victor is just as weird as Jenny. Best match ever.
I just reread your linked Mother’s Day post and as a childless by choice woman I feel the need to thank you and send all kinds of virtual hugs. This is the third year in a row that I’ve read that post and I feel like it hits me in a new way every year. This year has been a particularly tough Mother’s Day for me and I really needed it in a different way than I have in the past. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And all of the hugs.
You know the urban myth kids tell each other that, if you cross your eyes and someone slaps you on the back, your eyes will stay that way forever? Herbert sort of looks like that happened to him, and is the proof that this person is looking for on Yahoo Answers: http://tinyurl.com/kgdx47z
He also looks like, if you duct taped a broom handle to him, he’d be great at getting cobwebs off of the ceiling.
Thank you so much for acknowledging that not everybody had, or is, Mother-Of -The -Year.
There is no day for us, and really, nobody wants to hear us whine about it anymore. You are fortunate and your daughter is, too. That, BTW, is not a coincidence. Thank you for being who you are.
Thank you for the shout out to those of us for whom Mother’s Day just dredges up a lot of crap we’d rather forget. I’m substituting wine for the waffle and my dog for the kitten, but I figured you’d be okay with that.
I hope you bought Herbert. Then you can show your dad, “Look what I taxidermied!” and make him crazy with jealousy!
I think Herbert would allow Victor to “never forget.”
Thank you for acknowlaging the fact that mother’s day isn’t a happy holiday for everyone. Despite the fact that I never made a child with my body nor with legal papers but there’s a special little girl whose own mother doesn’t deserve the title and makes me feel like a mother every time she’s in my care.
herbert looks disturbing but I can’t stop looking at it…I’m intrigued
Somehow I first left off the “and a” and read get yourself a kitten waffle. Lol!!! I will!!!
Victor should be reminded that you too have sacrificed many replicants, on a more or less monthly basis, and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t been as enjoyable as the sacrifices he’s made. In fact I’m sure he’s sacrificed many replicants even without your help, or anyone else’s.
Yes, this is getting disturbing, but I’ve purposely created an opportunity to tell you something you won’t hear because you only have a single child: HE STARTED IT!
I hope that you got Herbert. Thank you for the link to your 2013 post, mother’s day can be a bitch.
It’s one of those it’s so ugly it’s cute kind of things. I get it. And I’ve got to get my claws on those lobster claws. I don’t know if I have anything to wear with them though.
My mother wasn’t a warm, hugging kind of Mom, but on this first Mother’s Day without her, I miss her very much. Thank you for the humor and kudos to Victor for the replicants imagery.
thank you for the link to your 2013 post… so good to remember this… not just on mother’s day either.
RIP sperm…um, i mean replicants, you fought a tough fight. too funny!
Shortly after my brother got married, my mom started demanding grandchildren, and my brother was all, “Well, I’m doing my part.” My mom thought that was hilarious and repeated it to anyone who would listen, which is why so many random strangers know when my brother has sex. Thanks for keeping the world updated, Mom.
“Replicants were destroyed”. I think you may just be rubbing off on Victor… ^_^
I think I have a soft spot for odd looking things. I really want that animal. Or a collection of them. I find them adorable.
To: TexasTrailerParkTrash…Or it could be a microscope! (The tomb that is.)
I just finished, lets pretend it didnt happen and I cried. U unlocked my mind of everything that i thought i had to hide. I will never hide my creativity again cuz if they dont like it,,,, Uck them. Thank you Jenny !!!!!!
Gotta say, I’m taking Victor’s side on this one (about the bunny head….not his replicants….you win on that one.)
I so love Victor. If I weren’t a man, I’d want to have his replicants. You lucky woman, you.
I believe that what most ‘replicants’ REALLY look like. A wonder any of us make to it to Motherhood.
I was just checking the Etsy shop and Herbert is still for sale! There’s only one available! You need to hurry and buy him before it’s too late! How many exclamation points can I possibly use in one post!
So it’s the teeth that make it so scary. Nightmarish. I think you’ve got to give Victor a pass on this one so he does not wake up screaming in the middle of the night for months to come:).
He is cousin to Matt Groening’s denizens of Life in Hell.
I can’t wait to see what V gets for Replicants’ Remembrance Day. Will you please make some cards for that? Oh, and maybe a sympathy card for after sex, letting him know you’re sorry for his loss of so many replicants.
I’ve been following your blog for a couple of years now. The first entry I read was when you brought Beartrum home, and I was hooked. Hopefully I’m not being presumptuous, but I was wondering if there’s a way to send you a private message or email. My hope is that you might have some advice for me. I don’t know if you even read comments this far down, but I couldn’t find another way to ask, except Facebook which would be a public post and… You understand.
(Jenny@thebloggess.com is your best bet although I suck at email. I get overwhelmed and run away a lot. ~ Jenny)
Line from THE GOLDEN GIRLS (re: daughter going to a sperm bank):
“You have to pahy for sperm now? I remember when sperm was free! Hell it was EVERYWHERE!” amen
Is that thing made out of human hair????? Awesome AND creepy.
Happy mother’s day, but it’s not very funny to joke lightheartedly about genocide.
(Thanks! You should probably stop reading now. ~ Jenny)
The fact that there’s the phrase “with teeth!” set off by a comma makes me wonder if there’s also a “Herbert, without teeth!” or a “Herbert, with tiny hands!” Either way, whoever made Herbert is my kind of people.
I’m afraid I have to side with Victor on this one. That creature looks like the love child between Miss Piggy and Chewbacca from Star Wars.
Has anyone introduced you to Fugglers? (https://www.etsy.com/shop/cathairandteeth)
The lady that runs the shop is on break/catching up with orders, but she’s hilarious and her shop is awesome. Exhibit A: https://s.yimg.com/bt/api/res/1.2/k3CQKu8Z30mVybIxYarWyg–/YXBwaWQ9eW5ld3M7aWw9cGxhbmU7cT03NTt3PTYwMA–/http://l.yimg.com/os/publish-images/lifestyles/2015-01-23/468f8d30-a333-11e4-8ac4-5b1ffc68a6c8_foto-9-cathairndteeth-en-etsy-punto-com.jpg
I think it’s kind of creepy. You should get this giant cat head instead: http://twistedsifter.com/2015/04/giant-cat-head-you-can-wear-like-mask/
That’s a review to be proud of at Kirkus. I didn’t know about the rheumatoid arthritis. The most spiritual (I mean that in the good way, not the silly way) woman I ever knew, a woman who was like a guide to others, also suffered from that. I wonder if there’s any connection between the illness and the gift. (I don’t intend that in a cheerful way, just wondering.)
Dammit – now I want a kitten to hold while I eat my waffles… :/
If you think Herbert is evil, you haven’t met my mother!
I have to say, I’m a huge fan. But it is still nice to see Victor win (somewhat) once in a blue moon. 😉
I think Herbert is adorable. I hope Victor went for it. If you want to use the lobster claws a gloves, I’d suggest that you buy two of the lobster claw oven mitts. They’re $7.99 a piece so two of them is still cheaper than the original, plus they are likely to be much warmer. Hope you had a great mothers day celebration.
Victor gets points for this one. I can not let my Chris see the replicant comment or I will be so screwed. I think if you took the Victor stories and comments and regrouped them in their own book you could market to a whole knew audience in the romance genre because there is serious love here. And that way you can do a signing booth at the RT convention next year. On a side note do you still have the giant metal chicken you bought just for him?
I hate to sa it but he has a point.
You win this one Victor.
Just this time.
… As an early father’s day gift.
Waffles and kittens…
Remembrance linked to Father’s Day…
I’m experiencing some cognitive dissonance here.
Despite the fact that I have never had a child from my body or from the legal papers but there is a special little girl whose mother does not deserve this title and whenever she is in my care I feel like a mother she does. This is one of them. It’s very ugly. These are beautiful things. I understand that. And I have to put my claws on those lobster claws. I don’t know if I have anything to wear with them.