My friend Jeremy (Meddling with Nature) is full of awesome. He’s a taxidermist/artist/prop maker who works with roadkill/animals who died of natural causes and who sends me wonderful emails that include lines like “Today my biggest challenge is making a zombie dog that can vomit a gallon of fake blood.” He made me Rory (the ecstatic raccoon who is on the cover of FURIOUSLY HAPPY) and you’ll have to read the book to hear that story, but last month Jeremy was all “Hey, I made this goat and he’s been frequenting bars and parade floats. His name is Totes MaGoats” and I was like “Um, no. He is Totes MY Goat. Because that is my goat. Seriously. I need him. And I will christen him Vincent Van Goat so he can have two names.”
But then Victor was like “No. Just…what? No.” And I did agree that Totes MaGoats/Vincent Van Goat was a bit pricey but he’s also enormous and so pound-per-pound he was a steal. Victor disagreed because he doesn’t understand how buying-in-bulk works so I turned to my publisher with this email:
My friend Jeremy (the one who made Rory) just sent me a picture of his latest creation AND I NEED IT.
It’s a giant goat reading Alice in Wonderland but we could place a copy of FURIOUSLY HAPPY in his hand-hoof and then it’d be a taxidermied animal reading about a taxidermied animal. My head hurts from the awesome. Plus, you can take Vincent Van Goat to Book Conventions as a conversation piece and everyone would take a picture. INSTANT PUBLICITY. Then I’d buy it from you later (but at a big discount obviously because “used goat“) and then you won’t have to find a place to store a goat after the tour ends. EVERYONE WINS.
Long story short, will you buy me this goat? Does it help if I mention that I’m a Capricorn and that this is The Year of the Goat? If you don’t want to fund the goat I’ll probably still buy it myself but I’m gonna need you to buy him a seat on the airplane when I go on tour because I think I just found my new service animal. Also, Victor thinks the goat is ridiculous but he also just said that the goat would look good with a jeweled ascot and a pipe so I think he’s warming up to it. Which is good because it’s going in the bedroom.
Then my publisher was like “Who is this?” and so I decided to just buy the goat for myself.
(Really my publisher said “We love you but this is gonna look weird on an expense report. So, maybe?” and I was like “I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOUR SLOW DECISIONS. SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING TO SNATCH THIS MAGICAL GOAT UP” and that’s why I had to buy it immediately.)
Last week Jeremy drove Totes to my house from Cincinnati and it was awesome because it was lovely to have someone look at my weird taxidermy with appreciation rather than frightened judgement, and also because it’s hard to even get pizza delivered at my house, much less a full sized goat.
Then Ferris Mewler snuggled up with Jeremy and when we pointed out that Ferris is polydactyl (a cat born with opposable thumbs). Jeremy was like “Whoa. I’d super like to see your skeleton, buddy,” and then Victor was like “Oh dear God, there are two of you.”
Jeremy explained that Totes still had a lot of lanolin in his hair so when I braid and style him it’ll be really healthy for my nails and cuticles – as if I needed another reason to love this goat. Also, lanolin is really great for irritated nipples so I decided to put Totes in the guest room so that if someone is breast-feeding in that room he can serve as a medicinal goat.
It’s nice because that room really needed something and turns out what it needed was a goat. Upside? I think I might be able to go into interior design if this whole writing thing turns to shit.
UPDATED: As requested, a Totes MaGoat tote. Available in big and not-as-big.
350 thoughts on “Totes MaGoats”
Read comments below or add one.
1.) Extremely freaked out by the thought of this dead goat sitting around my house posed like so.
2.) Extremely freaked out that you titled your blog post “Toats MaGoats” mere moments after my son texted me from his new phone the following message” Totes magoats that floats my boats.” Which I believe means “Yes” when said in response to a yes-or-no-question. Because I’m down with the lingo the kids are using these days. Word up, homey. Or somethin’.
I look EXACTLY like Totes when I cross my legs. EXACTLY. I think Jeremy plagiarized my sit. I am thinking a taxidermy lawsuit is in order here.
People /should/ be paying you for your design skillz.
I was JUST LOOKING at this picture ( https://www.facebook.com/CromptonCollective/photos/a.195851700551206.49190.152979081505135/622656447870727/?type=1&permPage=1) and thinking of you. I am glad you made the right decision to buy Vincent Van Goat.
God, I wish I was breastfeeding.
I. LOVE. HIM. That glorious mane (pelt? coat? outerwear?). I want to be his bff. Oh, the shenanigans we could get in to!
And, yes, he is the best vase ever and he does need a jeweled ascot! Ya’ll are a match made in heaven, no matter how Victor fights it (and, yes, I’m including Totes in that statement).
Love the goat!
“and then Victor was like “Oh dear God, there are two of you.”” – GOL (Guffaw out loud)
Totes, totes needs to be the next cover-model, or cover-goat.
Also, if you ever ride in an HOV lane, take Vincent with you. With all the money you’ll save on tolls, he’ll pay for himself in no time.
(ALREADY AHEAD OF YOU. And he’s perfect in the car. ~ Jenny)
he looks genuinely pleased to be in his new home.
Or maybe he just really likes peonies.
Hard to tell with taxidermied goats, I guess.
Anyway, I’m happy for you – and him!
that was very considerate of you to take into account breastfeeding mothers who might be visiting you. After Christmas when I am when can I come visit?
(Of course. Previously it was BYOG. but now I’ve got you covered. ~ Jenny)
It was all leading up to this. The first book, leading to the second book, leading to the goat. I’m so (furiously!) happy that you got your destiny goat!
….but why not Victor Van goat?
Is Totes musical? He totally needs a pan flute. Or pipe. Or…
(Such a good idea. Putting it on the list of things to do with my goat. It’s a very long list. ~ Jenny)
OMG!! I love him!! Question: Is his head/neck articulated at all, cuz it sorta looks to be at different angles in some of the photos. Either way, he is the bomb. My life will not be complete until I, too, have a goat vase. 🙂
(He is very malleable. His head moves around, which is awesome because I can make him nod in agreement with whatever I say. He’s much more agreeable than Victor. Not that it’s a contest. ~ Jenny)
Oh my GOSH, I never knew I wanted to hug a goat so much in my life until RIGHT THIS MINUTE! My son is seven so I’m longer breastfeeding but I do get eczema on my knuckles so if I hug Vincent it might soothe my irritated skin as well as soothe my soul. This may be a rude question but– does Vincent smell “goaty”? No judgement if the answer is yes. I”m just curious.
(He doesn’t smell goaty at all, which is surprising because most all taxidermied animals smell a bit goaty. ~ Jenny)
Is Victor honestly still surprised about things like this? Sometimes I think that man doesn’t know you at all.
I can’t wait until my husband and I can afford to buy a home so I can start filling it with gloriously weird shit. Granted, hubs has a head start on me with some of his D&D “miniatures”…call me crazy but does a fire-breathing dragon still qualify as “miniature” if it’s a foot tall?
I Kinda want him… But I am freaked out by his judgy (is that how you spell that?) eyes… So no!
umm…his head seems to have moved from the first to last picture. Make sure the knives are hidden when going to bed at night.
The most interesting goat in the world. Stay stuffed, my friends.
If your goat goes missing, it’s possible I stole it. Because that is a magnificent goat.
(Are you trying to get my goat? Because that’s a terrible pun. And I own a baseball bat. ~ Jenny)
as soon as i up my game with my taxidermy collection, i am SO calling you to come decorate my house.
I toats <3 him! I own zero taxidermy but would totally have the same reaction.
And this post made me actually laugh out loud really hard. Thank you for that!
He is magical. Will you be bringing him on your book tour?
Also if you send me his measurements I will make him a smart waistcoat to go with his ascot, and so that he has a pocket to hold his pipe when he’s reading or contemplating fashionable flowers.
You are SO lucky that you saw him first, because that seems like the perfect use for my emergency “buy something random and awesome” savings account.
I’m an editor and I totally would have bought your rationale for goat-buying. The expense report could have said, “promotional stand-up figure.” (I know technically it’s sitting, but you wouldn’t have to tell accounting that.)
Goats don’t produce lanolin, I’m sorry to report. You’ll have to do something else about your cuticles.
OMG I am soooo jealous! I want a Totes in my house!
If Totes needs a side job to help earn his keep (although you’ve already established his obvious value) he can come sit on the bench at my sons’ school as their Ram mascot. And I Totes want a picture of him at your book tour, so tell your publisher to start booking his seat.
Now I really want to spend the night in your guest room.
Totes is the most magnificent goat I have ever seen. Of course you had to have it. He’s worth giving up FOOD to have!
Also, I love him and think he would totally have tea parties with you.
Totes MaGoat/Vincent Van Goat is the gift that keeps on giving. Forever.
I would take no medicine from that goat.. lol
I really hope that when Jeremy drove Vincent to your house that Vincent rode in the front seat. And also, would you consider driving Vincent around in your front seat?
Totes is one cool lookin’ goat 😀 He has been perfectly put together.
I am SUPER impressed that your publisher loves you so much, they would give you a “maybe” on buying a goat. Wow. That’s now going to be my gold standard of publishing. “Yes, they like you, but will they consider buying a goat for you?”
This is the absolute best post ever.
I want that goat to sit in my chair at work. Maybe then people will stop bothering me. I’ll sit on the floor.
I think he should have come with the little chameleon he’s holding in the first picture. He appears to be an angora goat, no?
He could also be Benedict Cumbergoat. Just because.
He needs to hold a human skull. Alas, poor Yorik…
In regard to Spoken Like a True Nut’s question (“call me crazy but does a fire-breathing dragon still qualify as “miniature” if it’s a foot tall?”):
Yes. Of course it’s a miniature. It’s all about scale (size, not body covering)(but also body covering because lack of a scale is how Smaug died, which is tragic) because the miniature dragon has to match the scale of the miniature dwarves (is that an oxymoron? Hold up, now I think I’m being a not-good person and insulting small people? I’m sorry! I am very sorry, small people, if I have offended you) and the miniature eyes of beholders and if you think about it, a foot-tall dragon would be tiny when compared to a real-sized dragon, right? So, yes, miniature.
I NEED to sit on his lap. And hug him. Look at that smile on his face! I REALLY hope to see him when you pop over to Chicago this fall. However, I suspect he doesn’t fly for free so I’ll understand. BUT, you make a valid point that he could be your service animal. Plus he is quiet and not smelly and maybe doesn’t shed. IDK. Man I love goats, and I’m so glad you finally have one.
And if you do drive around with him, please do so in a convertible. And takes pictures. He would of course need a jaunty kerchief.
OMG – how can I tell Kara I did the same thing? GOL
Kara | May 12, 2015 at 1:41 pm
“and then Victor was like “Oh dear God, there are two of you.”” – GOL (Guffaw out loud)
I love it – love you – and you are a marvelous interior decorator 🙂
First off, Kristine@MumRevised, I believe you’re the first woman in history who has ever uttered the phrase, “God, I wish I was breast feeding.” It must be the hysteria.
Second, I have to admit that Totes is awesome. Better even than the Strap-on Ferret that my daughter accidentally invented. (http://www.andbythatimean.com/#!The-StrapOn-Ferret/cmbz/553026ff0cf2d211fedc06cc).
Third, um … Happy new goat, Bloggess! Perhaps a goat warming party is in order?
I seriously think that you and Jeremy could both retire tomorrow if you get Anthropologie in on this thing. I can actually picture the catalog spread now…artsy dining set with mismatched chairs, a giant fireplace faced with seashells and turquoise, and a chandelier made of Rock’em Sock’em Robots. And Totes anchoring the shit out of that decor in the corner with his peony/pipe/jeweled ascot.
As an additional repayment to Jeremy, since he lives there, could you add a stop in Cincinnati to your book tour? Preferably on an evening when I don’t have class, which will be on Wednesday and Thursday in the fall?
(This comment is not TOTALLY self-serving. It would benefit everyone in Greater Cincinnati. So, you know, it’s really quite magnanimous of me.)
As always, I love you Jenny. Thanks for the laugh that I needed today. I will say though that I think all the dead animals in your house would freak me out. Especially a dead goat in the guest bedroom. I do love Beyonce though. AND – important question – were you able to get that giant metal giraffe (Geraldo) yet? Because Beyonce totally needs a metal friend.
I would be both enchanted and horrified to share a room with him at night. It could go adorable Narnia or deadly Pan’s labyrinth. He’s really pensive for a goat. He needs like a book of poetry and a beret and shades and a bongo maybe. Oh the many sides of Totes! Versatility is his by word. How could Victor not see the investment potential here? Well because he’s Victor… we know.
Welcome Totes, give Juanita a hug for me 😉
OMG…he is freaking awesome!
I feel like he would be awesome dressed up as Santa Clause for a Christmas miracle. He could have kids come sit on his lap and say what they want for Christmas (and be a million times less creepy than a mall Santa) or he could read Christmas stories to small children. Really, it is a win/win.
Totes . . . so funny and charming!
Added bonus. He’s a really awesome security system for your house. Anybody comes in to rob you, they’ll run like hell when they figure out they’ve walked into a Stephen King novel and Totes/Vincent just added them to the menu. See if you can get James Earl Jones to record a voice for him and life will be complete. 🙂
I can not explain how much I love you.
How much does a Totes MaGoat cost? He’s pretty cool.
Ermahgerd Jenny!! You literally have a scapegoat! YES! Does the church of bloggess have access to Totes because if we ever need a scapegoat I could be all. I didn’t drink the last of the milk and put the carton back… it was Totes! I have no idea how this bag of money ended up here from the bank officer, it must have been Totes! Versatility for day!
I truly love you.
He is GLORIOUS.
I’m really glad you renamed him, because nobody is saying “Totes MaGoates” anymore, even though we should be, but we want to be like the rest of the cool kids, so we’ve moved on. sniff I miss the old ways.
That goat is seriously THE COOLEST thing I have seen probably all week.
Does he have an articulating neck? Because in the first picture he’s looking right at the camera but in the last picture he’s looking at the flower. Does anything else articulate?
My goal in life is to be as confident in my eccentricities as you are. Also I cannot believe I spelled eccentricities right on the first try, I must be having a good word day.
Damn that is a sexy goat. Like he just oozes Fatal Attraction-style seduction. I’m slightly disturbed and enchanted at the same time.
Can I come stay in your guest room? I want to pet Totes. Seriously, that taxidermy is way better than any of the taxidermy in my house.
I sure could’ve used a goat back when I was breastfeeding. Have you ever noticed that, like, after you’ve gotten through pregnancy and baby years they come up with all kind of cool shit that you would have LOVED….but NOOOOO, not on the market yet.
Back when I was breastfeeding, I had to get lanolin from a stupid tube…AND that didn’t even happen until I spent a couple of weeks without anyone even telling me about lanolin. At which point my poor abused…..um, you know….were in such a state that the hubs was all, “You can keep your shirt on for the rest of our marriage. If you want. I mean, that would totally be fine with me.”
Very happy for you and VIncent. I am happy for myself because I didn’t know I could get my chameleon taxidermied. Camelia has been in the freezer for 12 years and I contacted Jeremy to see if he can do magic with her. (I will share a pic if it works out, or better yet I will bring it when I see you in St. Louis!)_
And now I know who to call when my goat dies. My George would look awesome posed in a similar manner plus he’d be cleaner than he’s ever been as a living goat. He’d probably smell better too. And headbutt me in the ass less often. Jeremy may be my new favorite person. (After you of course.)
Hey…where’s his little golden chameleon friend (whose name is (obviously) Carmel Chameleon)? Jenny…you’ve been gypped.
I mean Carmen! Totes ruined my own wit.
I want to live inside your house. It seems so much more interesting than mine. Or possibly it’s your brain I want to live inside. With a jumbo tub of popcorn and raisinettes.
He makes me furiously happy! He is simply gorgeous with his flowing fur/hair/coat. Now you have to sneak him onto the sofa if Victor falls asleep sitting up and it will look like they are having a conversation!
OMG HE’S WONDERFUL
Whatever blows your skirt up!
So, do I stroke your goat then rub my nipples, or do I just straddle him so I can rub my boobs directly on him?
That is one #SexyGoat. Sophisticated, too. Just sayin’.
Since you lost out on “hold me closer Pony Danza”, Totes McGoats should prepare for auction. 👍
I love a goat who looks well-read.
You and Totes could start a pizza delivery business as it’s clearly an under represented market in your area. I would buy pizzas every day if they were hand hoofed to me by this goat (and also because I really like pizza)
This captures several of my interests in one go. Or goat, as the case may be.
The sophisticated way he crosed his legs!
Conversation with my 4 year old looking over my shoulder while I read your post:
Her: What’s that donkey doing?
Me: What donkey?
Her: The white one. That’s so crazy!
Me: (snicker snicker) Do you like it?
Her: Ha hahahahahaaha! It’s reading a book! He must be smart and curious.
This blogpost is worthless without photos of the taxidermist in his car with Totes in the passenger seat looking out the window. Just, you know, saying.
(As you wish.
I am soooooo concerned by the fact that I find him wonderful and funny and not freaky at all!!!
He has such a pleasant smile. I would love to wake up to him and spend some moments making meaningful eye contact – after I peeled myself off the ceiling.
Was Victor planning on going on tour with you? If so, there’s Totes seat right there. You’re out, Victor.
It still brings me joy to know that my nephew was super-creeped-out by the taxidermied mice-dolls that your friend makes. THIS!? This would probably traumatize him more than making him watch The Fifth Element with us did.
I am SO in awe – I would LOVE for you to write my author’s bio for whenever I’m published in magazines and/or online. You would SO rock that shit! 😀
Most comfortable and natural looking goat I’VE ever seen.
As is clearly illustrated by this post, there is ZERO possibility this whole writing thing will go to shit.
So taxidermy freaks me out in general, but Vincent Van Goat (the name I’m more drawn to) is absolutely majestic! He just looks soooo soft. Keep it weird Jenny, keep it weird!
Jenny. I love you. That is all. 🙂
Jeremy should totally make a whole line of poseable goats in different colors. Can you imagine the awesome of having another one sitting across from Vincent looking like they are in a conversation?? (Which would totally be possible, after all I don’t know about you, but I don’t speak goat) I’d love one to sit in my Victorian living room. It would totally freak out everyone in my family – how awesome is that? Well done on the purchase ma’am and give Vincent a snuggle for me.
I kind of love that he’s smiling.
Holy shit. I have two Nigerian dwarf goats that I thought I loved and wished a long life…But now I’m wondering if they might not need to be urged toward the light. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I kind of love Vincent Van Goat. Totes MaGoats. Honestly, look at that first pic, and imagine yourself telling him all your problems. He listens, and doesn’t judge. You can just tell.
Get that Goat a Martini. Shaken, not stirred.
Oh! I love Vincent van Goat what a wonderous magical creature and a really good taxidermy job to beat it all! I will be waiting for the imaginative conversations that all the cats have with this lovely creature.
I heart you Jenny!
hahhahahaha! that goat is so relaxed and chill. i think we can all learn great lessons from him.
I really should know better than to read your posts while I am at work. Currently I sitting at my desk snickering while my boss is giving me the side-eye! (thank goodness that he has a sense of humour!)
I have to say that I love Totes, especially his pose. Yes, he makes an absolutely wonderful vase. You could also put things in his lap so that he could be a shelf too! He would look amazing riding shotgun in the carpool lane! Do you think that you will braid his hair? Let us know how your nails and cuticles turn out! Also, PLEASE find someone who is breastfeeding and have them try out Tote’s lanolin. I would pay for that story! LOL
BTW, Poor Hunter S. I would be worried too if I were him!
Shit! I meant Ferris!! Totes, you have stunned me with your goaty greatness!!!
“OH MY JESUS, VICTOR. THIS GOAT IS THE BEST VASE EVER.”
Awesome sentence. Seriously lol
Just when I thought I couldn’t love you more. Vincent Van Goat. Yes. A million times, yes.
Does Victor read your blog? ‘Cus, umm… there are a LOT more than 2 of you!
LOVE. Hope he accompanies you here to Denver. He’ll feel right at home!
Totes is great and all, but I think you really missed a spectacle. A company dropped taxidermied cats from a helicopter over London. Meeooooooowwwww…..
For once I am totally with you on this taxidermy purchase. That is one marvelous looking goat. So soft looking. I’d probably cuddle it.
For once I am totally with you on this taxidermy purchase. That is one marvelous looking goat. So soft looking. I’d probably cuddle it.
Oh my gosh! I love Totes! Even my husband was like “OMG HOW MUCH?! We could so sit him on the couch!” Enjoy your goat for me.
I particularly like the gentle turn of the upper back ankle.
I love your goat! He is awesome! Sad to say there is no taxidermy in my house. But I have bones and skulls of many dead animals. Jen
I want to hear him say, “Pardon me. Do you have any Gray Poupon?”
I bought a metal chicken because of you but I think my husband will draw the line with a taxidermy goat! Wait, let me text him…
Okay, now that you have Totes MaGoats in your life, you totally need to know about this game — if you hadn’t already discovered it, I mean. It’ll either finally win Victor fully over to your worldview … or not. I dunno. At least I think you’d appreciate it. http://www.goat-simulator.com/
I second the adding Cincinnati to the book tour. But, my question is for Jeremy — was this goat part of Bock Fest??
Dude, I don’t even like taxidermied creatures, but I love Totes MaGoats. He’s absolutely beautiful.
The picture of Totes in the car is just priceless.
OMG! He totally said to order a couple of them! I love that man!
I am kind of in love with the irony that one of my biggest anxiety triggers is taxidermy animals. That with out thinking I will panic and run across 4 lanes of traffic to get away from taxidermy animals. That I almost passed out in a leather, and fur supplies store because there could have been taxidermy animals in that store, even though I didn’t actually see any. And you are my favorite writer about anxiety, that you seem to really understand what I go though when I have those awkward conversations about how I don’t go to museums, and how some restaurants could also be dicey, oh and antique stores. But yet we have the opposite feelings toward taxidermy animals. They terrify me and calm you. Also I could never ever visit you at your house. I like that although we have different triggers for anxiety we both relate with the struggles of anxiety.
Vincent is the only acceptable goat ever. Love thee.
How in the world do you have room for all these amazing things? I can barely jam the vacuum cleaner in my closet. Obviously I need to move to Texas for a zillion percent bigger house.
I met Jeremy at Bockfest here in Cincinnati a couple of years ago. He had two strings of winged piglets pulling a chariot. I was completely fascinated. The pic of him with the goat and buildings in the background looks like OTR (Over-the-Rhine), where our Bockfest Parade is held every year.
@ekgo Well if you want to be all logical about it, sure, but where’s the fun in that?
Personally I can’t wait until Hubby finally assembles the three foot long model T. rex skeleton I got him for Christmas. Rexy will show that dragon who’s boss.
He has both his ears. how can he be V van G?
I love him!!! and I don’t really like taxidermy cuz I DO like live animals, and stuffed . ones freak me out.
Can I still be your friend even if I don’t like Taxidermy? I respect your right to like it…
I. ABSOLUTELY. ADORE. YOU! You are my hero!
How much does a used goat go for these days? Because if you ever lose interest in Totes dba Vincent, I will legit buy him from you and put him in my office to distract and/or entertain clients whenever I’m on break. Can he hold a cheese tray?
A. That’s amazing
B. Your goat needs an ottoman where he can rest his hooves.
He is…absolutely BEAUTIFUL!
I hope you don’t mind, but I totally stole the pic of Toats reading Alice. I NEEDED it. Are we okay?
Oh My GOD, he’s glorious!!! Totes/Vincent looks totally alive and nonchalant, Jeremy is a genius!
That is one dapper dead goat, and I can see why you couldn’t let him slip through your fingers. I want to snuggle up in his lap while he reads to me!
I guess the only thing I have to offer this thread is a corny goat joke. Which you can use when your book is turned into a movie.
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a goat sitting next to him. “Are you a goat?” asked the man, surprised.
“What are you doing at the movies?”
The goat replied, “Well, I liked the book.”
I think, “Whoa. I’d super like to see your skeleton, buddy,” is going to be my new standard greeting when I meet new people from now on.
1) I love you (in a purely platonic you are my spirit animal kind of way)
2) Can we share custody of Vincent Van Goat? You won’t even have to drive to Cincinnati because I live in Texas.
This makes total sense. I love your goat vase.
He really ties the whole room together
Please come and redecorate my house. It would be awesome and we’re selling it anyway.
I feel like book #3 should be “The Bloggess Solves Finances” where you can just break down the economics of things in terms of taxidermy and tacos. You might be a financial genius.
Totes is FAB!!!! I heart him! 🙂 I think you need to find him his missing little lizardy friend. 😀
Without a doubt the best peony holder ever, and so thoughtful for those breast-feeding guests with chapped nipples.
In your next weekly wrap-up, I fully expect to be able to purchase a notepad printed with “Things To Do With My Goat” at the top.
Victor really doesn’t understand how the IRS works, does he? Obviously this goat is a major tax write-off. Your refund will be amazing next year. Or you’ll get audited. I always get those confused.
The goat really does tie the room together…
You have finally gone too far for me. What kind of sicko thinks it’s a good idea to put jewels on an ascot?
I love goats. I love both names. I do get a little freaked out by taxidermy but this is the most freaking awesome thing I have ever seen. You have a charmed life, lady!
Why haven’t you addressed the fact that your goat is holding a chameleon in the first picture?!?
You need to take him for a ride on a tandem! Share the joy with the whole neighborhood!
FAVORITE. POST. EVER.
Okay, Tote/Vincent is just about the most awesome goat I have ever seen. I love him!!! When you come to Arizona, I am totally coming to meet you Jenny!
We need a picture of Vincent Van Totes MaGoats astride Beyoncé, please! Thank you?
thank you Jenny – for being you and making me laugh!!!
That goat is so fucking awesome! I may have to start collecting cool taxidermied animals! Thank you for making me laugh on what started out as a miserable day!
You can also now drive in the carpool lane with Mr. Goat
OMG, I love him. He will be perfect at your signings. You have to post a photo of Ferris Mewler on Vincent’s lap.
On my home from work the other day, I saw a dead squirrel on the side of the road. It was stiff with its little legs sticking out. My first thought upon seeing it was you. I think I’ve been reading your blog too much, perhaps. But you do make me happy!
And now I can say to my husband “Your choices are 1: bear stickers; 2: giant metal chicken; 3: soothing goat. Your insistence that I buy towels at whim no longer flies.” Thank you.
This. Just this.
So, I just want to know. What does Victor think of the goat now that he’s taken up residence in your living room? Has there been a conversation about just how many old goats are now living in your house?
Vincent is awesome! Can I call him Vince? Why don’t husbands ever understand the power of bulk buying? He’s a steal!
I KNEW THAT PIC OF DUDES KISSING VINCENT VAN GOAT WAS CINCINNATI!!!! That HAD to be Bockfest. Tell Jeremy I’m in West Chester (~20 miles north of Cincy) & I totes magoats want to hang with him! And drink bock! It is too normal in West Chester! Also, he looks like he should work at The Know Theatre.
I’ve never desired taxidermy before. Leave it to you… all I can think of,now, is… I LOVE/WANT that goat! He’s super handsome.
I went to http://www.meddlingwithnature.com and totally fell in love with Walter. He’s so devinely cranky!
Oh holy shit, that is amazeballs.
I am adding to my bucket list: I want to visit Jenny’s house one day.
So, obviously, if you bring Vincent on your book tour, he will need to travel with you on planes and such. Are there TSA restrictions about almost human-sized taxidermy animals on a plane? I guess you could always call him your “service goat” and get him a fancy vest to wear. It probably wouldn’t be any weirder than the woman who brought a real life “service pig” on board. And Vincent has the added benefit of being quiet, non-stinky, and obviously good humored. Who can complain??
I have never seen anything like it. It is hilarious and super cool.
Thank you for my favorite posts on the internet – and I mean that in a slightly, I’m a bit disturbed but laughing very hard kind of way!
I love the goat. Meanwhile, my husband would like to buy Victor many many drinks in solidarity or sympathy.
I’ve never been so happy in all my born days!! He is Vincent Van(Magical)Goat who spreads joy to everyone who gazes upon him. I’m stealing a pic to put on my phone to keep me from committing (probably justifiable) homicide at work.
YOU AND YOUR MAGICAL GOAT ARE SAVING LIVES JENNY! SUCK IT VICTOR!
I am sooooo jealous. I would love that. Only thing that would top that would be a cow (small one). I can only dream. Congrats to you, that is a fabulous addition to your house, yet another kid…
And this is why I love you more and more each day.
I think Victor would feel better after a nice glass of wine. Might I suggest the following: https://www.bullyhillvineyards.com/wine/12/love-my-goat-5/
This will rank in my top ten Jenny posts. Totes and his downy little crossed leg, pic of him smelling the flower, Victor, discovering you and Jeremy are taxidermy twins – pure Bloggess gold!
BTW, one of my best friends sent me Allie Brosh’s book for Mother’s Day! I am in turn sending her your first book. She’s gonna love you as much as I do:)
All of this = WIN
This. Is. Awesome. Thank you!
You have to love a goat with a smile like that. All I can say is, he had better come to Austin with you!
This post made my day. Your guest room is likely one of the most fascinating and possibly nightmare inducing places I’ve heard of in a while.
You MUST create memes: “I don’t always….but when I do……” With Vincent/Totes.
in other words….Jenny got her goat. Win for everyone!!!!
After reading this, i asked my boyfriend if we could have a taxidermied goat also. I told him that he/she could hold things for us. After showing him the picture he told me that he was “weirdly okay with this.” I am so excited right now!
I appreciate that your publisher was like “welllll……” instead of “who is this?” and/or “hell no!” Who says publishers don’t support their writers? (I mean, I’m sure some don’t. But yours does. Or seems to want to.)
I just posted this on Facebook and may have accidentally mentioned something about being willing to marry you (I’m happily married… to a guy, but you get the sentiment, right?) or possibly asking my mom to adopt you, with or without your consent, but though I mentioned kidnapping, I wasn’t talking about kidnapping you specifically; it was more just me, asking generally if the forced adoption of a grown adult (vs. an adult who’s failed to grow?) might count either in the spirit or the letter of the law as kidnapping. Because if it would, I totally wouldn’t do it.
((Thanks for being the only writer ever to make me laugh AND make me feel less twisted… and think that warped senses of humor aren’t as uncommon as all my Junior League, debutante friends have made me think.))
BEST GOAT EVER.
OMG Totes/Vincent might be the best of your taxidermy collection!!! (Of those you’ve shared, of course, I’m not a stalker).
My goodness gracious me, this post made me laugh out loud like a James Thurber story!
All the members of your church should emulate you and buy a taxidermied goat too….just sayin’
Please to be bringing Totes to Boston this fall. I know a gentleman who may be his twin (at least in attitude & posture).
After this and your Mother’s Day post I’m starting to think that Victor understands you more than you think.
clearly the pic of Vincent being frightened by giant bathroom bear is happening soon?? PLUS victor can not be shocked at how Totes was just the next obvious step in helping your guests feel comforted after a potential bear ambush on the toilet. Really it’s the only responsible thing to do.
I agree on the service animal thing but wonder if it would be better for you, rather than fly around for events you get a convertible… with him in the passenger seat you could even use the carpool lane! Cop asks “Maam, can I have your registration?” You get to say “Totes MaGoats you can!”
P.S. I read all of your stuff to Skip (he’s like a Victor, but slightly more boring, prone to talking to me about financials while I’m trying to read about stuffed chipmunks in blogs, really skinny & with an Appalachian twang, laced with some “Texan”), even though he never listens and often walks out of the room when I’m reading you to him, but I think this post might be your best post ever, because he actually stopped me this time & said, “You should be her narrator for audio books, because you can cuss like a sailor and you can read the shit out of that and you love animals in a freakish sort of way too. Tell her you will record her audio-books, because illiterates need books too.” (except he added an “effing” in there, between the “the” and “illiterates,” but it was the real f word & I thought, if my mom reads this & I’ve written cuss words into it, she’s going to be very disappointed in me, & since I did post your blog to my Facebook page, chances are she WILL end up here and will read every comment & would totally bust me if I wrote a cuss word, and I am scared of her). I kept reading to Skip about Totes/Vincent, & as usual, he walked out of the room while I was still reading, so I was all, “IT’S RUDE NOT TO LET SOMEONE FINISH WHEN SHE’S READING TO YOU ABOUT TAXIDERMIED GOATS!” to which he was all, “IT’S RUDE NOT TO LET SOMEONE FUNCTION WHILE YOU’RE READING TO HIM!” to which I was all, “Touché. That’s a totally fair argument,” except I didn’t say that part; I just thought it, because I still was hoping to guilt him into giving me something because he felt bad about how he’d walked out of the room while I was reading to him. I mean, I was helping HIM. HE is the one all stressed about how to feed us & stuff. I was just trying to help him laugh. Then he said, “Is that the girl who wrote the book?” (Like I’ve only read one book in my entire married life, & it was yours… OK, maybe. Grad school just can burn a person out on reading). Again… Another GREAT sign. Skip remembered your work enough to connect THIS post with your book. AMAZING. I think this writing thing might take off for you some day… & he was totally right about me, reading the audio-versions of your books…
I have always kind of suspected that I might be an asshole so he is probably giving me a rude gesture. I’m OK with it though because, hey….Magical Goat!
Dying laughing! LOVE your email to the publisher! Love Totes YOUR Goat!
I am actually a little jealous. Vincent Totes Van Goats is wonderful. He has a thoughtful expression. I bet he’d look great in wire-rimmed glasses.
I feel like sunflowers are a much more fitting flower for Vincent, though he does look magnificent with the peony.
Lol, Totes MaGoats/Vincent Van Goat has made the front page of the WTF subreddit today, congratulations: http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/35skyb/totes_magoats/
I would love to have something like that for Christmas. I want Santa to bring me a goat. He will be seated in the living room sofa. I’m sure my grandma could really appreciate some company.
I would also like to add that in the first picture, it looks like he’s scratching his butt.
Your publisher had clearly seen how awesome Totes was and was trying to delay you so he could buy the goat himself. Crafty bastard.
Jenny, he is beautiful.
This made my day. Because you TOTALLY needed Vincent Van Goat and now I really want to come stay in your guest room (which I will admit I wanted to do before but now.. BONUS GOAT!)
Positive that THIS is why gofundme.com exists. It’s not for needy children, sick labrador retrievers or honeymoons for the disabled… it’s because you must have Totes. GOATFUNDME.com
Here is how I imagine a conversation between Totes (who has an upper crusty British accent) and myself would go:
ME: “What’s up, Totes? You want a glass of super fancy Scotch?”
TOTES: “Capital! Is it a 21 year or an 18?
ME: “Actually, it’s Old Crow. I was hoping you wouldn’t notice because your a taxidermied goat. Did you know that crossing your legs is really hard on your sciatic nerve?”
TOTES: “Silly girl, goats don’t have sciatic nerves.”
ME: “I’m pretty sure all mammals have sciatic nerves.”
TOTES: “Not taxidermied ones”
ME: “Hold on. Let me Google it.”
TOTES: “You’re having a conversation with a taxidermied goat, and you think Google has the answers you need?
ME: “Touche. You want some more Old Crow?”
TOTES: “No. It tastes like goat piss. Don’t ask me how I know that. It happened in college.”
ME: “If I was a nursing mother, I’d totally rub my nipples on you.”
Then Totes gets uncomfortable and makes some lame excuse about why he has to go back to Jenny Lawson’s house. Why do I always do that to people?
I just used the wrong you’re in that comment, and I slap myself over it.
Do your parents have any commentary about this newest acquisition?
If Totes MaGoats gets a jeweled ascot and a pipe then he also needs a smoking jacket. Actually he could just get a smoking jacket and ascot and look like the third Doctor, Jon Pertwee. He even has hair like Jon Pertwee’s. And his nose!
I’ve been through everything I can think of trying to find a clever way of turning Jon Pertwee’s name into something related to goats, but I’m at a loss. However I have faith in you.
You. You make me furiously happy!
Jeremy is a genius. And I’m so glad Vincent has gone to a good home, although I’d rather it had been mine. No offence. 🙂
Um I need this goat in my life!! He is the most faboulus thing ever! I love him. I am completely jealous Jenny!
This is hands-down the best thing I’ve ever seen.
This is an amazing example of usable art. And so adaptable. He looks equally at ease with a book or a peony.
The cover of your next book should be Totes reading Furiously Happy.
Most. awesome. goat. EVER!!!!
How is it that Totes is smiling? That is one awesome goat!
If there is ever a second Totes MaGoats, I want it.
I knew he was from Cincinnati! We did Bockfest in March and I could’ve sworn I saw him in the parade. Awesome. (bock = goat in German)
So A) it’s a good thing you bought him when you did, because I probably would have sniped him if you’d told us before you did it. I’m not even into taxidermy, but that there is pure art. A1) Jeremy should mass-produce those. He’d make a freakin’ fortune! and B) when you get bored of peonies/they go out of style in 15 seconds (because somehow nature is now a trend), I’d suggest a martini glass, because he
totallytotes looks like he should be holding a martini or a glass of fine wine. He’s a book holder, a vase, a lanolin dispenser, AND a drink table/glass charm: NOW how much would you pay?!
I;m not into taxidermy, but I love love the goat! So excited for you!! I want to come visit just to see the goat! I’m moving to Houston at the end of the month, maybe we can schedule a play date. 🙂 LOL! Congrats he is super cool.
I do admit, this is the least-creepy taxidermy I’ve ever seen! Good choice, Jenny.
Then Ferris Mewler snuggled up with Jeremy and when we pointed out that Ferris is polydactyl (a cat born with opposable thumbs). Jeremy was like “Whoa. I’d super like to see your skeleton, buddy,” and then Victor was like “Oh dear God, there are two of you.”
I can close my eyes and perfectly picture this scene. So weird, so awesome!
You know every time you add a new animal to your collection I think – you know that one is my favorite. But this one totally takes the cake!! I love him and cannot wait to see future pictures and stuff in your shop!!
I love his “aren’t you an amusing one?” expression. If this writing thing ever gets old for you, you could (a) become an interior decorator or (b) open your home as a kick-ass museum. Totes.
This post is overflowing with awesomeness. And goats. Thank you, I needed this today!!!
Fortunately, dead goats are much safer than live ones.
http://www.andbythatimean.com/#!Who-knew/cmbz/9A13C514-5FBB-4589-8443-615B26EDC3F9 (Alternate title: How ED almost killed my husband)
Totes has great literary taste!
So I’m trying to eat my lunch while I read this, but I keep laughing and spitting curried vegetables and butter chicken all over myself. It’s just as sexy as it sounds. I love your new goat. Also, that’s the first time I’ve ever told someone that I loved their new goat.
I love him! I want one…or maybe you could just create a line of Toats stuffed animals in various sizes. Obviously, mine would be free since I came up with this awesome idea.
“Tonight, on Masterpiece Theater, “Three Billy Goats Gruff.”
I am my envious. I would love a goat. I have a dead crow in my freezer right now, awaiting enough money to get him taxidermied. His name is Edgar Allan Crow. He’ll be happy when he’s out in the light, right now he’s just chillin’. When he does emerge victorious, he shall join Ed Wooduck, William Wallace (a stuffed pheasant) and Murtaugh, the Northern (and very Scottish) Goshawk.
He needs wire-rimmed glasses to perch half-way down his nose when he is reading.
This made my day!!
I <3 him. Totes.
OK. I fully and freely admit to being a bit…shrieky…when it comes to rodents, alive, dead, stuffed or not. It’s an involuntary thing. Like you with octopi, and possible schlumping out of the toliet bowl while you’re having some personal moments.
But the goat? Oh my. I can totally enjoy the goat.
I feel like he’s missing a monocle, a teacup, and maybe a pipe.
Greaaat. I told Wolf about this post, and now he’s eyeing Bazinga the Wonder Dog, and contemplating taxiderming HER when the time comes.
This isn’t good, Jenny.
Bazinga has an opinion on this. (Hopefully the pic works)
Jim #225, lolz.
Have you tried a monocle?
If you do take Victor Van Goat out and about in a convertible, you simply must find a way to take video of onlookers’ reactions.
I have no words…..
I would seriously like to take a vacation in your head, Jenny…..maybe two weeks, with an option for three. All expenses paid, of course.
Then maybe MY life would make sense.
Your house will one day be a tourist attraction where people will pay REAL money to come see your taxidermied weirdness. I will be sure to be first in line! So, my hubby and I once saw a dead deer on the roadside, then not two miles down the road, someone was giving away a free couch on the side of the road, the rest of the way home was spent discussing how we should have gone back for the deer, and set him up on the couch and give him a newspaper to read, then watch all the people driving by do double takes. What the….WHAT??
If I lived in a state where pot was legal, I’d dress him up in tye dye tees, scarves, beads and macrame and put a doobie in his hand. And round lensed sunglasses. He’s so chill.
If you put a jeweled ascot on him, he also needs a monocle. Especially if he’s reading.
Totes will be making his way onto a Totes (MaGoates) Bag to be found and purchased in your shop, yes??
I am 100% with Veck. Goatfundme.com is a necessity here. I desperately want to take part in crowdfunding this purchase – if for no other reason than to claim partial stake in a remote goat.
Have you considered tye-dyeing Vincent Van? How could anyone resist a goat of many colors that my husband bought for me?
Jenny, you have no idea how much I needed to read about Totes MaGoats this morning. Thank you for just being you and making my day just a little less furiously sad.
Jenny, I love you. Thank you for lifting my day even higher.
It would be awesome if you took him to the grocery store one day and made him hold your reuseable tote.
Oh my…. I laughed soooo hard at this post. It was one of your best yet. That goat! Thank you for making me laugh today Miss Jenny. And I can’t believe Ohio made the cut on your book tour. (but… pssst – come up farther north please – ok? – why you all in love with Dayton?) 😉 I have the best dog ever – come meet him in Cleveland. His real – not stuffed and he’s fabulous.
@ The Dusty Parachute … what Vincent Van Goat really needs is an Otter-man 🙂
Me and my own personal Victor (who is a little more maybe much more understanding than Victor) think we may now need our own personal Vincent Van Goat. We are smitten kittens…or, goats? But we don’t think we stuffed cats. We had a big lunch, we’re very confused. Also, we’d like to request he have his own Facebook page like Beyonce.
How has a tote bag of Totes MaGoats not been made yet? I would buy several. And give it the Starry Night background since his other name is Vincent Van Goat.
I think I am in love with Totes Ma, Vincent Van Goat(s). I totally see him in a velvet smoking vest with a pipe. Man, I am jealous. The ideas are limitless. I LOVE the photo of him in the car. How much fun is it riding around with him in the car? Commuter traffic would no longer be a drudgery. (He needs reading glasses as well…for the pipe thing) AWK! You are SO lucky!
Will there be a Totes tote coming soon?
Full Disclosure; I kind of hate taxidermy but I really love you, so I’ve been slowly warming to it because it’s hard to read your books and blog all the time without eventually warming to the idea of taxidermy. But I have to say, this might be the exact moment in time when I changed my mind about taxidermy all together. That goat is fucking beautiful. I feel kind of sad that we don’t all have one in our homes, the way we all have fridges or chairs. I like that goat WAY more than most of my chairs.
He is SO urbane. He kinda needs a pipe. And a smoking jacket. He looks like he’s saying, “Well of course Satan rules the world. But he’s trying to FIX it. REALLY.”
Yoga goat! He’s in eagle pose.
I just visited jeremy’s website … or rather I tried to. I think we broke it. So I looked him up on Facebook instead. His insect taxidermy is phenomenal.
All of your other taxidermy I am happy to appreciate from afar; I’m not really a taxidermy person. BUT, this, THIS is a fine specimen of a goat! I love the crossed legs. I could totes find a place for this goat in my home/car/office. Love, love, LOVE Totes Magoats/ Vincent Van Goat!
I love how weird you are. It makes me feel less alone. PS: My best to the goat. PPS: I can’t wait to see what you do with him for Halloween.
Is Jeremy single because I’m pretty sure “can make you ridiculously awesome taxidermy” would be perfect in a dating profile! Or at least that’s what I keep looking for, but keep finding pictures of abs; always the abs. sigh.
OMG I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO A PREVIOUS COMMENT, BUT JILL’S IDEA IS THE BEST!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE MAKE A “Totes Magoat Tote”!!!!!!
I also think you should convince Victor to renew your wedding vows with Vincent Van Goat presiding. I know he’ll say no at first, but look how official Vincent Van Goat is. He practically screams “authority in an elegant setting” (except he wouldn’t scream, because he is elegant).
So much awesome I may not be able to handle…….all the awesome!!!!!!
I LOL’ed several times reading this, freaked out my kid, scared the dog, and reaffirmed to my husband that I’m nuts (HE thinks — what does he know, I think he and Victor may have been separated at birth, such a poop).
As a related aside, have you thought about doing a video house tour for your blog? The photos you’ve shared are absolutely lovely, and your design aesthetic, while unconventional, really is amazing.
I think I need a totes magoats tote bag.
I don’t know what I love more: The goat, or the guys in the Dr. Who scarf kissing the goat. Goat-tab-u-lous!
OMG (as in “oh My Goat”), I love this goat! Really made my day, thank you!
I’m a little upset by the fact that Totes van Goat has nicer hair than me, but he’s so very dashing that I can’t hold it against him.
He looks so smirky and PLEASED with himself – or maybe just happy to be here – I’m not sure which. Congrats on your new family member!!
So this post brings up a burning question. How do you clean a taxidermy goat with long hair, anyway? If, say, you’ve had an angora goat in your living room for the past 20 years and its been vacuumed occasionally but never really cleaned and its just not as fresh and fluffy white as when it first arrived on Christmas morning? (hypothetically of course).
Maybe you don’t know the answer, but maybe you can ask Jeremy or your dad. Just in case maybe you hand it down to Hailey someday and she is like, boy, It was nice of mom to give me her beloved goat but I sure wish she had told me how to clean this thing safely because my husband keeps threatening to give it a “proper burial” because its gotten pretty dirty over the years and there is just no way I’ll ever have enough anxiety meds on board to take it down to that dry cleaning place that claims to specialize in “furs”. (again, entirely hypothetically).
Jenny, you always bring a smile to my face. Thanks!
I’m so mad at your publisher, now I can’t get a photo with this glorious creature! I’m stealing the book and just giving you cash for it so that you get paid but Picador doesn’t now.
This is the most AWESOME purchase you have ever made. Everybody needs a goat like this.
That’s what he gets for not buying you Herbert. It’s like the hand towels and Beyonce all over again. lol
I hope to meet both of you in December. Can hardly wait!!
Vincent is marvelous! I’m totally jealous. My daughter just had a new baby and is breast-feeding, will she need a reservation? I’ll even pay her transport if we make this happen. (I can’t confirm at this time that she is willing to do this, but I think the lanolin will be a big draw). huzzah!
that is the most sexual goat i have seen ever…
p dot s dot..
i’ts nice you have a nursery and a nail salon all in a room..
I think you’re missing an opportunity here, Jenny. Now that you’ve bought Totes, your publisher will have to hire him from you for the publicity tour. That way, you can have your goat and make a profit from it! Then Victor will have to concede that you are a business genius and can’t complain about anything that you buy ever again.
And then you can use the profits to buy Totes a crown, because that goat needs a crown.
This has made my entire day.
When I read this:
” Also, Victor thinks the goat is ridiculous but he also just said that the goat would look good with a jeweled ascot and a pipe so I think he’s warming up to it.”
..I presumed you meant a lead pipe, you know, the murder-weapon-in-Clue kind. And I couldn’t quite grok why a lead pipe went with a jeweled ascot, but then again, I’m on a lot of cold medicine today.
The agony of knowing that I’ll never have that goat is lessened by the knowledge that Cincinnati (and Jeremy, lord of the dead animals) is just a couple hours away from me!
I’d just like to say I find you hilarious and loved!!! Your book “Let’s Pretend this Never Happened” and super stoked to find out you have a new book!
Now I know that anytime I need something to lift my spirits, I can go to the pictures of Vincent Van Goat and check out his cute little smile. Maybe I’ll be proactive and just tape a picture of him to the side of my computer monitor. Or use him as my computer ‘wallpaper’. He’s adorable!
My god, that’s beautiful! He needs little hoof-sized slippers with curly toes.
I now require a Totes MaGoats tote bag.
I keep reading this post over and over and over. I love the idea of a Totes tote! Perhaps a series with Totes in different poses? How about a Totes coffee table book? Totes cards? My God, the possibilities are endless! I nominate Totes for the cover of your third book.
Dear GOD! Can you imagine forgetting you own this thing and then walking in on it at night?! Fucking terrifying (but very interesting-looking in the daylight).
Jeremy is a genius. Crossing one of Totes’ legs over the other is fabulous.
I would sell my car for that guy.
I think that is the fastest Zazzle order I’ve ever made – I totes needed a Totes MaGoats tote bag! The awesomeness continues……
Looks like Totes has movable head– in some photos he’s looking straight ahead, in others he’s glancing off to the side. Which got me thinking… What we need now is a Totes MaGoats Action Figure, with movable head and legs. I’m sure lots of people would want to collect a miniature version of this handsome, debonair, can-eating fellow.
A friend ran over a coyote in front of our house last night. Would your buddt like him with or without the gut pile?
OMG, if you didn’t buy him I would. I would sit him next to the front door with a martini in hand/hoof, ready to hand my husband when he walks in the door from work. Vincent is totally awesome.
Vincent Van Goat is amazing. That being said, if someone put me in a guest room with that guy sitting there like that I would spend the whole night crying. His adorable jaunty goat grin would turn sinister in the dark.
I’m pretty sure that since you wrote about him, Totes the Goat / Vincent Van Goat is tax-deductible. (That’s how that stuff works, right?) It would look as strange on your itemization as on your publisher’s expense report, but hey.
OMG. LOL.. that is creepy as hell!!! I love it!! hahahaha
I was so confused by the whole “totes ma goats” thing when it started… I thought I could just silently wait and the contexts in which it was used would explain…. but it didn’t… so I texted my daughter, “I need to be hip, what the fuck is ‘totes ma goats’ mean?”
She texts back, “It’s stupid. It’s a nonsense phrase, like… ‘its the bees knees’…Mom, bees don’t have knees…”
You are a strange human being, which is exactly why I read your blog. Never change! Keep it weird.
In addition to being a vase, a book holder and a promotional item, Totes would also be great security in a dark room.
I have never, ever in my life ever wanted a taxidermied animal…like ever. Until today. Today I met Toats MaGoats and have decided that if he ever needs to be rehomed, he belongs with me in my 2nd grade classroom so I can place the “Time Out” desk right below his gaze so he stares at the child who is currently driving me nuts and lulls them into submission. Does Totes have a brother?
I love him! He has the nicest vibe, like I could come to him after a bad day, he would put down his book and calmly look at me over his glasses and be like “what’s troubling you?” OMG he’s the freaking Dumbledore of goats! DUMBLEGOAT!!! Just like Dumbledore, he may be dead but he can still meet you in a vision quest and offer sage advice. On a whole different note where’s the chameleon?! You were robbed! I already had visions of you going as zombie Rapunzel to Halloween this year with him as your Pascal.
Everyone should own a medicinal goat. I love mine.
Something about the facial expression reminds me of Burt Reynolds.
This is the best purchase anyone has ever made. Thank you for doing this for the world.
wait! what happened to the lizard he was holding? Was it extra$$ or is a goat holding a lizard just too odd? it kinda reminded me of Hamlet “poor Yorkizard, I knew him well”
What can I say?
Yes I did just go buy this tote. YES I DID!!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t stand it. I want a Totes MaGoats. Or perhaps I need to find a friend like Jeremy. Either way, I’m terribly envious. Totes looks so lovely in the guest room.
Hmmm, I want to say something, but..naaaaaaaaaaa.
Totes is gorgeous!! and so is my “Broken and Magical” tshirt. yay!!
This may be my favourite taxidermy post ever.
I can’t believe that even Victor could resist Totes! He is insanely, awesomely, epically amazing! I am pretty sure he was meant to come to you, although absolutely anyone would be lucky to have him. I’d ask to come stay in your guest room, but that would be creepy and stalker-ish. Which OF COURSE I never am.
Ask Jeremy to taxiderm a giant goat nutsack you can attach to the flipside dong-tuck region. (Removable with the accompanied bobby pins and assorted hair barrettes)
Hang him over a dining room chair for special occasions.
Now I think you need to purchase some paintings of goats by artist Jill McVarish. See link http://www.jillmcvarish.com/pdx-kids-2015.html
@DragonTears (up at #58)—AWESOME idea for us Bloggessarians!!
I’m late to the party here (as usual), but you know how rock bands have advance crews that drive all the equipment to the next venue? Why can’t you have a ROADIE drive Toats to every book signing?????? Maybe in a big old Winnebago? It could be Victor, if he doesn’t have to work…..
My dog died today. This goat made me smile AND laugh. He works miracles for the depressed. Most awesome goat ever. For a few brief moments, I was able to think of something happy today and I am forever greatful.
It is hard to believe that your publisher does not just write checks whenever you find a stuffed publicity animal. Are they slow learners or what? Or did they think this was their worst nightmare?
what are the chances of seeing ferris mewler cuddling with vincent van goat? i feel like my cats would be all over a fluffy taxidermied goat.
I’m trying to imagine naked, lactating women, rubbing up against this serenely happy goat. This may be the most disturbing post you’ve ever written.
Have not read all the comments/suggestions, but if it were MY goat, I would make sure he was sitting on the toilet. I am sure Victor gets up to pee in the middle of the night; imagine his surprise! I would put down papers, just incase. And think about when company comes and asks to use your restroom! OMG you can take him into fancy restaurants!!! Shirt and shoes required, but a table for 4 at Chateau Le Snooty would be amazing!!
Literally in tears from laughing so hard over this. Bless you and your kickass ability to make shitty days better. I can’t wait to furiously hug your neck in Dallas (remember, it’s just a struggle that hasn’t been completed).
Still waiting for you to bring that giraffe home to be Beyoncé’s new BFF by the way.
It’s probably just the hormones from my period, but he touches me in a deeply emotional way. I love you, Totes.
Ain’t nobody gonna get your goat now darlin’!
Too bad Jeffrey Dahmer didn’t channel his love of roadkill.
I have a really cute rocking chair like that one that needs a purpose. I have been looking for something to do with it for a while now because I love it sooooo much. I need a goat like that! or something! Thank you for inspiration! Now I have a new goal when I’m out shopping and looking for something to do with my chair. Hopefully I can find something as awesome as Totes! Cross your fingers for me please 🙂 – Much love floating your way!
I’ve never been into taxidermy until now.
THIS GOAT IS MAGNIFICENT.
THIS IS BRILLIANT. I think you may very much enjoy my photos of my boyfriend, who is a life-size cuddly toy gorilla. Have a look at http://www.loveisa4letterturd.com
goats are magical in any for. Wish I’d known about this when I lost my bff goat Rachel.
Please tell Victor that if he outlives you, an estate sale is not necessary. He can contact me directly and I shall come purchase all of the weird taxidermy poste haste. This beauty will be riding back to Minnesota, shotgun, in my SUV with sunglasses, a wooly scarf, and probably a coffee mug in hand. I will be the driver with the huge grin (because of the goat) and the tears (cuz you know, RIP bloggess so long and thanks for all the laughs and stuffed things)
First of all that goat is everything i want to be in life….except dead… But I saw this and thought of you! https://www.etsy.com/listing/169081997/taxidermy-mouse-chess-set-wooden-board?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=taxidermy&ref=sr_gallery_42
You can play chess and reenact tiny mousley battles!
I have not laughed this hard in a non-drunk as buggery state since before I had kids and became quite boring without copious amounts of alcohol on board. Then I cried because really, there aren’t enough Totes to go around. I think every moment in your life has been leading to this moment with Totes MaGoat.
He looks like a therapist, sitting in his signature casually attentive pose. You can imagine him going “Mmmm hmmm…and how did that make you feeeeeel?”
I really wanted to leave you a comment telling you how much I love this goat, but I’m making a genuine effort to clean up my language these days, and there is just no way I possibly express the full beauty and majesty I see in this goat with several f-bombs and multiple instances of taking the Lord’s name in vain. Please know that my admiration for your taste in interior decor is through the roof.
That goat really tied the room together.
I LOVE your blog and your book! So happy to see this made it to the Front page of Reddit today! Thank you so much for all your writings – they’re always the highlight of my day!
Color me jealous. Extremely jealous. I feel like this goat is my spirit animal. I hope I too can one day own a taxidermied goat as glorious as this one, used or not. <3
I was reading through your blog during my lunch hour…because I really really really needed to laugh or I would start to cry. And, this made everything better. Seriously. Thank you.
Have you seen this yet http://9gag.com/gag/aLBPAAW?ref=mobile.s.cp?
Goats are inspirational. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3151292/Fearless-goat-goes-head-head-cow-ten-times-size-teaches-lesson.html
In my house Totes would have a cup of coffe in his hand! I wold overuse him though, sitting him on every possible surface in my house and yard for pics. Great buy that keeps giving.
Love your blog, love your books.
I share your love for “eccentric” taxidermy and oddly enough, I’m in the market for a taxidermy goat. I wandered across this image during a Google search and immediately thought “sweet baby Jesus…..this is unquestionably the BEST goat, living or otherwise.” I clicked before noticing the link and while it was loading my second thought was “holy shit….The Bloggess would be all about this life” and clearly, I do not stand corrected. Since I now have major goat envy, can I ask for one small favor? Occasional top hat for when everyone’s feeling fancy.
This is very late. Oh well! Just read this post at random and dropped a comment to tell you that Toates requires a gilded hand (hoof?) mirror, so he can admire his own lovely face. The positioning and expression absolutely demand it!
Reading this post and all I could think of was how much fun it would be to stay in your guestroom!
I’m a vegetarian. I don’t have leather products. I don’t like things that are made of animals. However, I NEED THIS GOAT! He is so flippin’ amazing. I am absolutely in love with Totes MaGoats. Though I think he would scare me if I was sleeping in your guest room.
Totes needs a scarf, a pair of aviator goggles and a bomber jacket! LOL!
So someone on the DIY Sheep Crafts FB page posted a photo of your goat, so I had to post a link to your blog, because HE’S YOUR GOAT! And then I read the comment about the lanolin that I had to correct, because only sheep have lanolin, not goats. I suspect with as fluffy as Totes/Vincent is, he is probably a Cashmere goat – still not greasy stuff. Anyway, thought you’d enjoy his latest on-line appearance.
Please, I feel like I need this goat in my life. Would you ever consider selling or commission one for me. I am enamored with him .
Amy Skinger 8474049675