And that’s why you can’t trust vampires.

So…yeah.

screen-shot-2017-01-07-at-9-55-14-am

And that’s why you can’t trust the vampire patriarchy.

PS. If this is confusing to you you should start here.  Or just ignore.  Totally up to you.

127 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I think they’re calling your bluff.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Why did they send Brad Dingleman the exact same application number as yours?? Something fishy is going on here…

    (Right?! I assume it’s a way to punish me by giving him my application number. Terrible, spiteful vampires. ~ Jenny)

    Liked by 21 people

  3. Why do they need to know if you are married…you can’t be a Vampire if you are married?? I don’t trust them…:)

    Liked by 4 people

    The Hellion recently posted My Word For The Year Is….

  4. 4
    Gloria Scheeland

    WOW. just, wow.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lol. Figures really, gotta keep the brotherhood together and all. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh, never mind, that’s just the email before this one. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have to say I’m very impressed that the Children of the Night have a thorough bookkeeping system complete with reference numbers. You should check to see if they have a reward scheme which entitles you to things like priority coffin rental and crypt upgrades.

    Liked by 10 people

  8. Seriously? Seriously? They’d let Brad Dingleman in? Pssh…I wouldn’t want to be a part of any Brotherhood that would let Brad in…

    Liked by 5 people

  9. Brad ruins everything.

    Liked by 5 people

  10. I want to join the Vampire Motherhood, but breastfeeding sounds too painful. I’m going for werewolf. They are MUCH less exclusive.

    Liked by 5 people

    becomingcliche recently posted Goals For The New Year.

  11. Purpose of joining? I bet it is for spite (that jerk)

    Liked by 3 people

  12. I don’t understand the ever-changing rules of the Vampires. Could you write a definitive guide to vampirism? Because all the Anne Rice books, Twilight, True Blood, etc. are just conflicting now. And we need to know the truth. And what about the dog? Does he want a photo of the dog? Poor Schnitzel. Are werewolves this troublesome?

    Liked by 2 people

    iamthekrakenblog recently posted 2017, You’re Off to Quite a Start and Sorry, Costco.

  13. Blood sucking bastards…

    Liked by 3 people

  14. P.S. (@)(@) BOOBS! LOL

    Liked by 2 people

  15. 15
    MinnesotaJoY

    We just need to do our own. They suck.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. 16
    MinnesotaJoY

    Hahaha…accidental pun.

    Liked by 4 people

  17. I think “Brad” should start yanking their chain like you did.

    Liked by 3 people

  18. My guess is they’re in the fifth grade.

    Like

    susielindau recently posted My Resolution Failures and Why You Should Join The Big Chill in 2017.

  19. Oh this is funny! I love it!

    Like

    Lisa Orchard recently posted My One Little Word: A Slice of Life Post.

  20. If they want Brad, we don’t want them! Buncha Dinglemans!

    Liked by 2 people

  21. It’s time to start the Ladyhood!!!

    Like

    Becca Barracuda recently posted Cliche New Year’s Post.

  22. Please, PLEASE send them Brad’s form… I’m picturing Nicolas Cage in Vampire’s Kiss for the photo…

    Liked by 3 people

  23. Pretty sure you can count my wife in…

    Like

  24. Seriously Jenny, WEMPIRES.
    You will be happy. By Daniel Pinkwater, whom you probs already know of.
    If not,…..you will be really REALLY HAPPY!
    One might even say….furiously happy.
    (forgive me. Then order Wempires )

    Like

  25. DAMN YOU, BRAD! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

    Liked by 4 people

  26. Did they not hear anything you said … its a crime if Brad gets in!

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Goddammit, Dingleman.

    Liked by 4 people

    DayLeeFix recently posted New Year's Evolution.

  28. I don’t think you want anything to do with this. Just tell them… fangs, but no fangs.

    Liked by 3 people

  29. I am so confused.

    Like

    itzybellababy recently posted ABX Yoga Mat Towel Giveaway 5 Winners Ends 2/14.

  30. So it’s either because Brad has a penis (presumably) or NOT a small dog/wannabe vampire pooch. Either way, you dodged a bullet (a silver one, anyway).

    Like

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 119: Donut Store Memories, A Story Inspired by Eric McCormack.

  31. Someone needs to inform the Warden of the copyright infringement against the BDB.

    Like

  32. 32
    adrianmmiller

    I just know that Brad is one of those douchey ive league types that wears a sweater over his shoulders and is a memeber of a tennis club. Just like every 80’s teen movie taught me

    Liked by 3 people

  33. Boy Howdy. So much for warning the Brotherhood about Brad…

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Oh this just better and better! Looking forward to your next move!

    Like

    Sin recently posted New year, yet I am still me.

  35. I wonder if you would need a separate form for lil schnitzel?! They never said.

    Really?! Brad!? You ruin everything!!!

    I say you join the werewolves..just to spite them!

    E

    Liked by 2 people

  36. ETERNAL LIFE HAS PAPERWORK???

    I call bullshit.

    Liked by 1 person

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted Home is… where the cave is?.

  37. Please please please send Brad’s application in… this is the best thing going on in my world right now. Which I think is either hilarious or tragic. Lol

    Liked by 4 people

  38. This whole exchange has restored my faith in humanity, uh I mean vampires.

    Like

  39. More misogyny. Can’t take it. I am officially Team Jacob now…eff those vampires!

    Liked by 1 person

  40. 40
    Crystal Pauley

    I think Brad needs to reply, letting them know he is in, as long as they won’t accept Zuzu Petals and Lil Schnitzel! Well, maybe Lil Schnitzel would be okay, because Brad kind of liked that dog….

    Liked by 5 people

  41. This is clearly the best thing ever. 2017 is already so awesome. Thank you Jenny, Lady Vampira and F Brad Dingleman!!!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    christine recently posted "I am hopeful, should I be hopeful?".

  42. Even in the afterlife women get stabbed in the chest.

    Liked by 3 people

  43. Brad the Vampire? That’s who they want in their brotherhood? Will he hang out with Chet and Biff in the Vampire lounge? The Ladyhood will be way cooler than this. Do I send you my application and photo? And also, a picture of my cat? Because I’m in. Down with the Vampire Patriarchy!

    Liked by 4 people

  44. welcomed into *cringe

    Like

  45. I’m a little concerned that the Vampire Lord is named Jiang Shi. I mean, that’s what those “Chinese hopping vampires” are called. Do you really even want to be a vampire if you have to hop everywhere for eternity?

    Liked by 1 person

  46. I have a Great Dane and we’re feeling a little discriminated against. Where’s the love for the big dogs? Where’s the love?!

    Like

  47. So much for the American vampire dream…

    Like

    Wolf of Words recently posted Redcross Pt 7.

  48. Omg. Don’t click on my name. I put my website as “YourMomLovesDanes .com” and it now links to a search that ends in crazy porn (because of course it does). I mean, if that’s your thing… but otherwise I don’t recommend it.

    Like

  49. Actually though this doesn’t technically say you can’t join if you’re married. Maybe “yes” is the correct answer.

    I’m married, so I might check. Although I don’t know if I want to be a vampire. Is there a Werewolf Brotherhood?

    Like

  50. I do think that Brad should reply, cool photo and all. I think for the phone number, a real one, of a person you don’t like, would be awesome. Can you imagine the call? Of course you can. 🙂 Like others have said, this is the funniest thing that is going on right now, please keep going. Also, your blog has the best comments evah.

    Liked by 3 people

  51. I’ve read all of these posts and I feel like somewhere in the Vampire Brotherhood there should be at least one vampire who could act as a proofreader. How can they expect to recruit more vampires if some of their responses aren’t clear due to word choice or lack of punctuation! Just because they’re undead, they’re not excused from a little editing.

    Liked by 3 people

    kstewand4cats recently posted Sleepin’ Alone.

  52. No talk about any payments? That makes things so much worse! Men can join for free, women have to pay???

    Liked by 1 person

  53. LMAO!!! You’ll have to a Vampire Sisterhood. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  54. To any club that would accept Brad Dingleman: toodleoo, douchecanoe! (Either that, or hold out until you hear something from the “high” master; Jiang and Paul seem to be lower on the hierarchy — or haven’t been smoking enough of the ganj.)

    Liked by 1 person

  55. Give him my number. 867-5309

    Liked by 2 people

  56. I’m fascinated by the fact you have to leave a reason for wanting to join. I would think the club name would be self-explanatory.

    Like

  57. I would be happy to supply my ex-husband’s phone number if you need it.

    Like

  58. I would be happy to supply my ex-husband’s phone number if you need it.

    Liked by 5 people

  59. 😀

    Like

  60. It’s starting to sound like a dating site for Vampires… better ask SNOPES!

    Liked by 1 person

  61. I picture Seinfeld saying “Dingleman!” in disgust like when he says “Newman” that way.

    Liked by 3 people

  62. Brad’s application should accidentally use Mike Pence’s phone number.

    Liked by 6 people

  63. 63
    ocularnervosa

    And after you specifically told them to look out for Brad. Well, they deserve him then.

    Like

  64. VooDoo! Use silver pins instead of the regular pins and have some fun. There is more than one way to bring down the Vampire Lord Brotherhood.

    Like

    Mrs. Completely recently posted I’ve Created a Monster.

  65. Those bastards!
    I hope you are busy crafting some kind of clever email from Brad. Maybe Brad also has a small dog or maybe Brad wants to become lord of the Vampires. Maybe Brad is planning a hostile takeover of the brotherhood. Maybe Brad could be as annoying to the brotherhood as Zuzu. Maybe Brad is a vegan too. Maybe Brad is still secretly in love with Zuzu and wants the brotherhood to trick her into becoming a vampire so that they can spend eternity together. Maybe I’ve given this too much thought. 😀

    Liked by 4 people

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  66. This sounds like a sex ring to me

    Like

  67. Perhaps all your followers should join so we take it over for you as our Queen Vampire 😂

    Like

    Gary Lum recently posted Prawn and scallop sandwich.

  68. 68
    Vampiresswithstandards

    Brad better down a photo in a hurry.

    Like

  69. I their defense,they do apparently think the applicant is Brad DingLeman,vs Brad Dingleman,who could be a totally different person.

    Like

  70. Please never let this end, Jenny! HA!

    Like

    the incurable dreamer recently posted just maybe, larry isn’t a serial killer.

  71. 71
    Ragnar Lothbrok (dec.)

    Vampires are such dicks (and apparently have to have them to be accepted into The Personhood).

    Like

  72. I can’t believe they are willing to accept Brad!

    Like

  73. 73
    Talwinder Kaur

    They’ve betrayed your trust letting Brad Dingleman join!

    Like

  74. Maybe the head vampire IS Brad Dingleman! And he’s been fucking with Zuzu’s head this whole time! All in a plot to see if she’s moved on and gotten married and ugly. Hence the photo and marital status request. What a dick.

    Liked by 4 people

    whatwouldgilliesdo recently posted #Nomakeup.

  75. Omg their letting brad in. You already warned them he’s a jerk. Their going to grant a jerk immortality, that’s it I’m against vampires. I bet werewolves wouldn’t do this. Maybe you should become a werewolf instead. Just a thought

    Like

  76. Can I get a discount if I only want one fang and live only half the eternity?

    Like

  77. REALLY?! They want the DINGLEMAN!?

    Like

  78. 78
    Rebecca in SoCal

    Thank you for this.

    On my phone screen, it looked like they were accepting (maybe) Brad DingLemon. It took me a second to remember “Dingleman!” (a la “Newman!” as mentioned above.

    Like

  79. BOOBS! LOL hahahaha

    Like

  80. We should start our own Vampire Matriarchy. We can call it “Bite Squad!” oh… wait.

    Liked by 1 person

  81. Bros before O’s(negative and positive, of course). Selfish wankers.

    Liked by 1 person

  82. 82
    Emily Brower

    Bros before O’s (negative and positive), apparently. Selfish wankers.

    Like

  83. I one time had a work email from an Edward Cullen. That’s the closest I’ve gotten to becoming a vampire.
    x0x0 Caroline http://thecarolove.com/

    Like

  84. Damn that Brad Dingleman, gettin’ to join the Vampire Brotherhood, just because ZuZu said they should reject him!

    Really surprised they didn’t BEG you, I mean ZuZu to join ASAP, once you sent them the mug idea!

    Like

    emelle28 recently posted Whoops! Published without a title! Erp!.

  85. 85
    whoa nellie

    BASTARDS!

    Like

  86. Angelina will be jealous of Brad,

    Liked by 1 person

    Elyse recently posted This is NOT the behavior of a rational adult..

  87. 87
    Princess Tulip

    Dear Zulu, you probably wont remember me but I worked with you at Applebee’s at the same time as Brad. I had been working at Hooters but after a women’s studies class at community college I just couldn’t go on trading my boobs for cash. I thought it would be different at a high class establishment like “the Apple,” as we used to call it…remember? All those jokes about wanting to get out of this God-forsaken town and to a place like the Big Apple. Anyway, I have been looking for Brad for a few years now. After a whirlwind romance I made the mistake of letting him move in with me. One night he went out for weed aand never came back. Not only did he steal all my savings, he took my greatest possession, my antique accordion that I had built my entire one-act life story around. My dreams of glory on Broadway have been crushed by Brad Dinhleman. Please let me know if you find him. I’ve heard he is trying to get into an all ladies vampire group. I’m sure the jerk wants to steal more lady dreams. In solidarity, Princess Tulip

    Liked by 3 people

  88. gasp! although I am not surprised coming from a brotherhood and all.. if they will let the likes of Brad in – I’d cut my losses and blind em with ass… good riddance o_0

    Like

  89. I’d rather be with you and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Vamps anyway. Besides, who would want to be in a group that would go after a dbag like Dingleman?

    Like

  90. No wonder the Cullens were turds.

    Like

    This British-American Life recently posted Batman Torqued Off Somebody in NCDOT..

  91. First week of 2017 down, only 51 more to go. I hope the rest of the year will see you rocking it like you did the first one, Jenny! Keep up the good work!

    Like

  92. I’m very concerned that you both ZuZu & Brad have the same Vampire Applicant Number (VP/849/3920/24BD). Does that mean that you will be linked for all eternity? I’d stick with mortality…

    Like

  93. Bro-pires before ho-pires. Hence the need to know your marital status and the reason they gave your ID number to Brad. The brotherhood don’t play.

    Like

    emilypageart recently posted Pet Portraits.

  94. How come Brad gets the fancy email with red letters and better formatting? Sexist bats. I think we should get some stakes, crucifixes, and holy water and hunt them down. Oh, and a sunlamp too.

    Like

  95. But I really want. Ladyhood of the Vampire mug..

    Like

  96. They took out the “NOTE” part. The part explaining… well, I wasn’t quite sure because the grammar was so poor.

    Like

  97. Nooooooo! That rat bastard. He’s not in the double unicorn success club, is he? If so, we need to call an emergency meeting and kick his ass OUT!

    Like

  98. Well they turned out to be a total disappointment. Does anyone have any integrity these days?

    Like

  99. What was once referred to as the Vampire Brotherhood will now henceforth be known as, “The Dingleman Group and affiliate Vamps”. He’s taking over would be my guess. Stupid, Brad! It’s gonna put him in a higher tax bracket and all, collecting all those membership fees. Stupid, stupid, Brad! He doesn’t even realize the ramifications yet, mwahahahaha!

    Like

  100. If they’re going to take just anyone, Brad Dingleman included, is this really a club you want to be a part of? It’s like Mean Girls just moved to a bigger table in the lunch room. I say pass.

    Like

  101. I feel like the only thing to do at this point is start your own “Ladyhood of Vampires and Small Dogs & not Brad Dingleman” just to prove that you can beat their patriarchal society. Anyone would be able to join, of course. Except Brad Dingelman.

    Liked by 1 person

  102. I’m pretty sure Trump’s phone number is the same as Brad’s.

    Like

    Karen (formerly kcinnova) recently posted Happy New Year 2017.

  103. Bastards. Does Brad have a dog?

    Like

  104. I feel sort of betrayed, like how could they just go ahead and just send a form to Brad Dingleman when ZuZu was still in talks with joining them! No loyalty! Can’t trust Vampires is right!

    Like

    recently posted Live life to make you happy.

  105. I sooo need a #AndNotBradDingleman Yard Sign; ASAP!!!

    Like

  106. It’s official. YOU are the best!

    Like

  107. This has provided so much entertainment and joy over the past couple of days! I had high expectations for the beginning of 2017 and the first few days were just sort of blah … but this … THIS … has been what it’s all about. I’m buying a mug immediately. Xo!

    Like

  108. That dirty double-dealer. Actually, both of them – Jiang Shi/Master Paul AND Brad Dingleman.

    Next time I need to take over a planet or be abandoned on one or whatever, it won’t be “KHAAAAAN” that I shout into the void. It will be “DingleMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” (with the proper rising inflection, of course, I never do these things halfway.)

    Liked by 1 person

  109. Oh god… that A@@hole Brad.

    Like

  110. There is so much Squee and hilarious in this!

    Like

  111. 112
    Mastiffcat

    What Kelly said: where’s the love for big dogs?
    I’m not sure I want to be a vampire if they only have little dogs, even if it’s a Ladyhood. Little dogs can be as annoying as vampires, so I guess I’m stuck with Team Werewolf. (Can you imagjne how ridiculous little-dog-werewolves would be?)

    Liked by 1 person

  112. OH NO THEY DINNIT!!! That’s just spiteful. What a yellow bellied, double dealing vampire blood selling asshat.

    Liked by 2 people

  113. ^^Kelly, I suspect the Great Danes are being actively recruited by the Werewolves. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  114. -shakes fist in menacing Timmy Turner’s Dad style-
    Diiiinglleemaaan….

    Liked by 2 people

    introaverted recently posted When Life Gives You Lemons, Kick Life in the Dick.

  115. BOOBS! LMAO

    Liked by 1 person

  116. I thought you should know that this person, this “Master Paul”, is a fraud.
    Although he calls himself Master Paul in the body of the email, the name associated with the email address is Jiang Shi.
    In Chinese, ‘jiangshi’ is the term used for a “hopping” vampire, which is a vampire dressed in clothes from the Qing Dynasty, and would have likely been an underling or servant whilst alive.
    It moves around by hopping with its arms outstretched – so not original if you ask me.
    So this guy is no ‘Master’; he’s just some rando small time guy who gets around by hopping like a weirdo dressed in old clothes and is obviously trying to rip you off.
    Just thought you should know!

    Liked by 1 person

    vonkita recently posted I Can’t Stop Eating Cashews, Please Send Help.

  117. Sounds like it’s time for the Red Reaper and Bones to take the contract on Jiang Shi and Brad….

    Liked by 1 person

  118. I can’t believe they’d take Dinglejerk over you. What on earth are we dealing with. Do you have Jiangs email so we can complain? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  119. If they have to have a phone number for Brad, then I suggest you give them the number of your most hated person in Congress, whoever that may be. Or whomever. Whomever corrects me can NOT be in the vampire ladyhood. Unless vampires are naturally good at grammar, but you showed they’re not good at spelling and grammar is WAY harder.

    Liked by 1 person

  120. So, they are total jerks for ignoring your warnings about Brad Dingleman. Obvs.

    But can we also talk about the fact that the application asks your purpose for joining? Shouldn’t that be self-evident?

    Liked by 1 person

    Karen Marie Peterson recently posted Damsel in Defense is Amazing So Let’s Have a Shopping Spree!.

  121. It has been days…. did he give up already? That would make me sad.

    Like

  122. Perhaps you can’t join the vampire brotherhood because they are intolerably sexist and want you to wear makeup and fix your hair, and they’re worried you won’t be able to, what, with the whole mirror problem and everything. I mean, who wants an unkempt vampire? No one, that’s who.

    Like

  123. Sounds like a cover for something not-quite-legal! Better get Angel Investigations on this ASAP… or, if you’re old-school, get Detective Nick Knight of the Toronto Police Force (because, of course) on the case.

    Like

  124. Clearly their selectivity is as honed as their grammar.

    Like

  125. Jenny, do you know that “Jiang Shi” (the person who sends the e-mail) means “zombie” in Chinese? Think about it…

    Like

  126. this cracked me up so much because i thought my junk mail os ridiculous but this tops it all 😀

    Like

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