This morning I looked at my blog analytic report showing the phrases people googled that brought them to my blog because I always find it intriguing and also a little terrifying and I thought you might enjoy it too because these were some of the top searches that led y’all here this year:
“OUTIE BELLY BUTTON HERNIA GIRL” (See a doctor)
“GOAT READING A BOOK” (This seems weird at a distance but honestly, I think you’re in the right place and this is what you’re looking for.)
“IS YOUR GROIN THE WARMEST PART OF YOUR BODY” (It is when you’re peeing, probably.)
“COBRA VERSUS EAGLE” (Now I want to look this up too.)
“FUCK GOOGLE FOR NOT GIVING ME AN ANSWER TO MY QUESTION” (Feels fair.)
“SINGLE LONG WHITE HAIR ON EYEBROW SUPERSTITION” (I wrote this literally 10 years ago and not a week goes by that someone doesn’t find themselves here. They should really cover this in high school health classes.)
“METH MARGARINE JERK” (Hmm.)
“MATRIX NAVAL BUG FEMALE VERSION” (There’s a female version??)
“BETTY LOU AND THE HAMSTERS IN THE GOPHERS” (This sound sexual but I’m afraid to google it.)”
“HOW TO ANSWER WHY AREN’T YOU THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ALREADY?” (I don’t know how to help you.)
“CAN WOMAN BREASTFEED SHEEP” (What is happening here?)
“TIT TITTS MAMARIE” (We really need to teach more spelling in school.)
“VERGERNIA” (My last statement stands, your honor)
“WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T DIG UP ST JOSEPH?” (I left him buried in my front yard and I’m fine*)
*And by “fine” I mean, “I’m recovering from mono” but in my defense, I think I got it from my cat. Victor disagrees because I had mono 15 years ago and apparently it stays in your system forever but last night I was noticing that I’m having a really hard time doing anything other than just laying on the couch or the floor or the bed and every time I lay down all the cats lay down on me and we only get up to eat and go to the bathroom and I realized that mono has turned me into a housecat (minus pooping in a box) thus I probably got it from the cats. Not from kissing them though. Well maybe from kissing them. But not with tongue. Fuck. This is not going to help my weird google searches.
PS. Totes MaGoates is still a well-loved member of the family but he’s currently holding a flower instead of a book because Hunter S. Thomcat (seen below sucking up a sunbeam- probably has mono) is obsessed with eating paper for some reason and can’t be trusted around open books.
Stuff like this is why we love you, Jenny. And for what it’s worth I found you thanks to Wil Wheaton so it’s kind of all his fault. (I also hope you’re feeling better)
I got mono 2.0 about 5 years after my first case in high school.
It sucked. Rest up!
I love the mounted head. It is terrifying and now I would want one for my house.
Please don’t ever die, but if you do, please make sure that all family members die at the exact same moment so that a stranger has to clean out your house. But also please set up a video camera that live streams their reaction upon entering this room for the first time.
I love your Pegasus! I’m curious about its story.
(That’s Pony Danza. He’s made of cow hide and goose wings…not an actual pony. ~ Jenny)
NONE of this surprises me!
I found you through Beyonce. My friend has a mounted Vincent Van Goat. He is missing an ear though.
I love your Pegasus! I’m curious about its story.
I love your salon tableau of a unicorn, a goat, a monster and a cat, relaxing in the sunlight.
Tell Hunter S.Thomcat that plants taste better than the dead trees that paper is made of. A yummy catnip or spider plant is just the thing.
You don’t poop in a box….YET!!! Also some of these searches are disturbing but I feel that’s kinda on brand for you but disturbing and funny. I think that’s why google sends them to you. Also never dig up st Joseph that’s how you get caught duhhhh
Pretty positive our cat (Ruth Bader Ginspuurg for what it’s worth) caught seasonal affective disorder from my husband and I, so I see no reason why it couldn’t go the other way with mono.
Is that a real dead baby horse?
(Definitely not. It’s a baby zebra mannequin covered in cow hide. ~ Jenny)
Not to be rude, but a toilet is basically a bowl shaped box….
(Took a pilgrimage
to Nowhere Saturday – it was everything and more.)
When I was a kid, I had mono twice, about 10 years apart (once with bonus chicken pox!). I also had 3 cats growing up, so I feel like your theory (like the cats, obviously) deserves more attention! Hope you’re feeling better soon and that the cats start doing your bidding, out of gratitude.
OK, WHAT THE ACTUAL EFF is that monster on your wall? It’s about to make lunch meat out of Totes and Peg!
(It’s made out of foam and raffia. You can literally wear it. ~ Jenny)
I would love to know why Libby decided I needed your books but one look at Rory Raccoon and I knew I was in for a treat. Unlike much of my life at that time, you did not disappoint.
WAIT. You can get mono more than once!? FUCK
I have also decided I am a cat. All I do is eat and nap with brief toilet intermissions. I have long covid. Our current slogan is At Least I Didn’t Die. I can be found with a puddle of cats. Hope you recover quickly and enjoy the cat naps immensely.
Tit Titts Mamarie will be the name of my next pet.
Once I thought I had mono for like an entire year.
Turns out I was just really bored.
OMG…I somehow missed the original one about the burial and that link sent me down a rabbit hole of eyelash glue and lawn boobies. DAY.MADE.
What is that monstrous thing on your wall? And where do I get one?
How does one get a Pegasus like that? I’m intrigued.
I found you ‘cuz I work in a public library, so our tax dollars are definitely going to good use.
I’ve been sleeping in the guest room because my husband has Covid, and it’s at least 2 cats in bed with me every night. Sometimes all 4. The baby bites my toes through the covers, though, so I have to banish her for her crimes.
I love how unphased by the other critters Ferris is.
I am glad to know about the mono, as I’ve had it before and have thought maybe I had it again since but thought it was impossible. So I guess I was wrong and maybe my body was right.
And also, I really hope you feel better soon. 💞
I don’t remember how I found you. Maybe through one of the Houston newspapers? You, the food guy, hamburger girl (loved Pappy’s), & the couple with the little girl Hazel (they called her peanut??). Maybe?
That one room contains multitudes. I always the analytics lists.
Now I need a Totes M’Goat bag. Are they still around anywhere?
So ok wait. I remember the St. Joseph story. But now that I have a kiddo in Catholic school. Uh, who is St. Joseph and why does burying him help you sell a house?
I originally found you because of the Wheatons and Bonnie Burton. I am thankful to them for this!
Just as so many others, please let us know the name of the artist who made your Monster.
I’m in love with him!
That last picture- MAGICAL!
I really do love your decorating style. You’re the queen of Moody Maximalism; those people in the FB group are amateurs compared to your awesomeness
Good gods, I love you!
…and Totes MaGoates!
OMG!! What is that hanging on your wall?!?!?!?!
You are a badass who killed a terrifyingly angry nature demi-god!
(And now I’m very curious what wonderful name you’ve given them.)
OMG I know what Betty Lou and the hamsters is it’s this: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tales_of_the_Riverbank&ved=2ahUKEwj_kcy2m 5n9AhXtJzQIHTZ9DtIQFnoECBcQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2PbTdTC-fX3WmGGrtMUu5s
Which was featured on this show:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Magic_Window in my home town when I was a kid. You blog is a good match!
What does it say about me that I didn’t even see the mo ster or the flying pony at all! I saw Totes and HST. That’s it. 😂
So, of course I had to do all those Google searches. Now if I die tomorrow and my family looks at my search history (everyone grieves differently; don’t judge), their worst suspicions will be confirmed. Also, I first looked at it wrong and read “Tiny tits Marie”, which really struck me funny.
I’m so sorry you’re sick. But it’s also always been a life goal of mine to turn into a house cat. I had mono many years ago so this post gives me hope!
It sucks that you’re sick, but being turned into a house cat isn’t a horrible fate. I long to be house cat.
I once dug up a St. Joseph the previous owner left behind. This was before I had heard of that particular superstition, so I just said “WTF?” and threw it away. As far as I know, she was still OK.
I’ve also left behind two St. Josephs. In my defense, I had already moved to another state before the houses sold. Also, I’m not Catholic, so what do I care?
I want Hunter S. Tomcat so much that I actually ache.
Lastly: Now that I have “But I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” stuck in my head, I will leave you with a link to the very bestest version of that song ever. Total earworm–you’ve been warned. But it’s so awesome, you won’t mind. And if you’re not already familiar with the wonder that is Postmodern Jukebox . . . spend the rest of the day watching their videos, find out when they’re going to be in your area, buy tickets, then send me a large check in appreciation. Thank you.
https://youtu.be/8EbLlgKFk9c
I googled it so you don’t have to. No hamsters or gophers were apparently harmed.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Betty_Lou_Varnum
I feel like someday we need to see and get the names of all your “stuffies”.
The Bloggess wrote:
‘because I had mono 15 years ago and apparently it stays in your system forever’
Gah!! Those d@mn viruses ought to do something uncomfortable up the bum.
Everyday Health (and others) report that ‘infectious diseases like mono may be triggers for autoimmune disorders, including multiple sclerosis (MS).’ Yeah, MS sucks @ss!! I had it ~30 years ago, and I’m dealing now at the stage of being home all the time, on permanent disability, and…ugh. Right, not trying to get any pissy pity comments. Let’s end this by saying that I hope you don’t get this $hit.
‘I realized that mono has turned me into a housecat (minus pooping in a box)’
LOL!! Really, I did!!
Thank you very much, dear Jenny, for spreading laughter!!!
Gale Langseth Vester
I really want to know if VERGERNIA is a misspelling of “vagina” or “Virginia”, or perhaps a weird combination of the two?
(VERGERNIA is for lovers?)
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I don’t know how you can put up these nut job’s. Lon Eme, Michigan
We had a 4th grade search for ‘vagina tattoos’ (spelled correctly, I think!) on their school iPad. The Principal couldn’t keep a straight face long enough to call the parents!
Not sure how I ended up here and it just seems I’ve always been here, surrounded by like minded people. This is very comforting even with monsters on the wall. No wait! It may have been a larger metal chicken. Yeah. I’m pretty sure it was a large metal chicken.
I found my way to your blog because I impulse bought a copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened because the cover and the dedication made me giggle.
This is the only place on the internet where I can read the comments without wanting to harm myself or others.
Hi Jenny,
A bit unrelated but wanted to thank you. My 15 year old son has gone through a pretty rough depression lately. His meds are changed and he’s doing better now. But a couple months ago was bleak. One evening he was laying in bed in so much pain and I gave him a copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened to read. It was the first time I saw him smile in a long time. He even chuckled which felt like a small miracle to me. Then he said he wanted to read Stanley the Magical Talking Squirrel out loud as a family on Christmas instead of reading the Christmas Carol or The Night Before Christmas as a new tradition. I fully support this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for bringing a smile to my kiddo when he needed it.
I am a long time reader. I originally found your blog when I was voraciously reading all the infertility blogs on the internet — as I tried to conceive a kid with my second husband. Didn’t happen for years, but we adopted my now 16 year old. So yeah, time flies.
I found you many years ago through Beyoncé. Knock knock, motherfucker. 🤣
Me too!
I love this terrifying yet whimsical room.
I have not read any other comments. And there will be cussing. Holy GOTTT damn. That is a beautifully horrible room. and i love the kitty in the middle. I want to do yoga in there. and like, foot soaks. with whatever music I want. and all of the worstest movies ever that everyone wants to watch. (but they don’t know it). But really. so well done.
Lovin the room. So the answer to ‘how many books would a good goat tote, if a good goat could tote books? ‘ Is -it depends which size bag you bought. Also-chewing cats usually have a toothache. At least in my house.
When the time comes, Hailey can turn your house into a tourist attraction, with tours and merchandise. They’ll make a fortune, and you’ll have done all the hard work.
Love your analytics.
When the time comes, Hailey can turn your house into a tourist attraction, with tours and merchandise. They’ll make a fortune, and you’ll have done all the hard work.
Love your analytics…………………https://t.ly/YMFj
I must’ve missed the post where you got the mounted raffia head. I always enjoy the dive into your analytic searches.
If you think of a toilet is a round shaped box, you’re still pooping into a box. It even has a lid. So you’re still a house cat, only like 100% a house cat now.
Fantabulous new resident, sorry about the mono again, and I want….no NEED to know why those searches are so odd.
are we not talking about what is hanging on the wall?
Kind of random but do you have a squirrel in a Saturday Night Fever like suit and pose? Preferably with rhinestones. Now that I’m in my 40s my “squirrel” moments are getting bigger and sparklier and I think this might be a great tattoo idea. Or not. You never know.
Totes is amazing! (As is the giant wall monster, the snake in a box! I do need to ask: who is in the casket and what is the O thing with the skeleton inside it?)
I think I may have already connect on this but I said something different but my car sneezed on me when he was little and gave me a cold. I remind him about it frequently.
Connect? Crap. I’m drunk and haven’t had a drop to drink. Commented. Proof your comments, Hope, Geez.
If things don’t improve on the energy front, do get your Epstein Barr titres checked next time you see your doc. Mono, the gift that keeps on giving…