Oh. There I am.

If you’ve been reading here you know I’ve been in a massive depression the last few months and that I’ve been doing ketamine injections to try to pull myself out and (KNOCK ON EVERY PIECE OF WOOD) I actually think it’s working. Today I went through and answered all of the emails that I’ve gotten over the last month and it was so easy. These are the same emails that have been haunting me every single day but I’d never answered (or even opened in some cases) because I didn’t have the brain power in spite of the fact that a neurotypical brain would think it was a piece of cake.

I’m writing this now because for the last few months I’ve been afraid that I’d sort of lost myself entirely. I couldn’t speak straight or think clearly or write and each day I worried that this was the end and that my brain was slowly winding down to close out for good. This seems ridiculous, but when you’re stuck in a depression that lasts this long it’s easy to feel like it will never end and that everyone hates you or has forgotten you and that the spark that makes you you has gone out for good. This is a reminder to future Jenny (who will undoubtedly be in that dark hole again) that it’s worth sticking around and fighting the battle because the spark is still there. It’s in you. It’s in me. I promise.

Also, I’ve tried to share with you some of the tricks I’ve learned in ketamine therapy in case you try it and my most recent revelation is that having a massive psychedelic trip in a dark room while people poke multiple needles in you is understandably scary so I started asking for the windows to be open and to have something sunshiney on the tv and it really helped to remind me that the world still existed and that I wasn’t dead and trapped in the sunken place. BUT. Last time I went for my treatment the nurse was like, “How about bird videos for cats on youtube?” and that sounded great except turns out it was a 5 minute loop of cute birds that continually ended with a terrifying vulture flying straight at my face.

This is fine.

I could have hit the panic button for help but by the time I had it in my hand it was back to sweet birds and I assumed I’d just hallucinated buzzard-vision but then 5 minutes later it happened again except by that time I had progressed to idouble vision and then I had two terrifying vultures flying at me. Luckily, I soon lost my vision altogether until I started to come out of it and by that time the youtube clip had done what youtube clips do and had gone to a commercial.



I can’t remember the rest of that commercial but then a guy in an eyepatch came on and was like, “ARE YOU IN A CULT?” and I was like…”Fuck. Am I in a cult?” And I could have just chosen to skip the ads except you can see the remote in the photo and I can assure you that it’s at least 4 miles away after 160 mg of ketamine. Luckily, the nurse stepped in and was like, “Oh. This seems like…not birds” and she was very right. So my hint to you is…don’t watch youtube and also avoid vulture videos while you’re high because they will become 3d and fly directly into your face. I’m not sure you should let your cats watch it either. Just saying.

Another thing that helped? I never get to see people leave so I always assume that I’m the only one who is literally clinging to the nurses as I walk out like some kind of terrible lightweight so this last time I finally asked and the nurse said that most people can’t walk out without help and that they never know how people will react but that there is no wrong way to be. She said she’d had grannies take massive doses and be just fine and burly men take a small dose and never return because they were too freaked out. Everyone is unique. I’m not sure why, but that made me feel better.

Yay for feeling better.

89 thoughts on “Oh. There I am.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. At the place I do ketamine IVs they won’t LET anyone walk out alone just in case you think you’re fine to walk and then collapse.

  2. I’ve found watching live cameras of nature and scenery in general to be soothing. First it was for the cats, then I realized it slowed my mind down.

  3. Light, love, and anti-vulture vibes to you 🫶 So grateful to you for the fight and that you keep coming back to us. ❣️

  4. Thank you for sharing. I had been wondering how it was going w/the ketamine.
    I am glad you’re feeling better. <3

    Man, they need some better tv. No tiny dinosaurs or explosions! lol.

  5. I’m really glad this seemed to help you get out of the hole this time. I hope it lasts a good long while before you have to seek out treatment again. I wish there was a way to fix our brains for good.. but it just doesn’t seem to be. I’m so glad you’re still here. I personally, would miss you terribly. Everyone would. You are a treasure to this world.

  6. I’m SO glad you’re feeling more like yourself, and that giant vultures didn’t actually hit you in the face.

  7. If it happens again, just remind yourself that vultures are a hugely important part of the ecosystem and they’re probably just flying towards you to tell you that YOU are also a hugely important part of the ecosystem because they want to cheer you up. Also, if it turns out you are in a cult, I will join the cult with you and we can hang out and not watch YouTube together.

    I’m so glad the treatment seems to be working, vultures and explosions notwithstanding. Yay for feeling better!!

  8. Maybe those of us with long-term depression ARE actually in a cult. Somehow that is comforting.

  9. It’s so depressing when someone you admire’s “gettin’ better finally” post only leaves you bitter and spiteful; when every minute of every day for months has been a battle to survive and not everyone has a ketamine rainbow to fall back on or hope for. I want to be happy for you, Jenny. Maybe tomorrow…

  10. Thank you for your post today. It was just what I needed to read – there is hope!

  11. I am so happy that it’s working and you’re feeling more yourself again. If it makes you feel any better, you made me snort laugh in my office just now reading about your viewing experience. So that felt like a totally normal Jenny thing to read 🙂

  12. Like I keep saying: esketamine (Spravato: covered by insurance; nasal spray, so no needles) and nature sounds/scenes. Glad you’re feeling better, though. Maybe try the above next time. It could be less scary/traumatic!

  13. I’m so happy the treatments work for you. I am a good candidate my Dr assured me but I am so scared. Reading about your journey makes it less frightening and I love you for that and also because you are freakin awesome and my favorite storyteller.

  14. Great to hear Jenny, and even through your darkness you shine brightly out to all of us who struggle along as well! I hope that if I ever experience a Bi-polar treatment-resistant depression in the future I can access Ketamine therapy. I’ve previously done ECT and it helped but…well I know you know some of the adverse effects. I’d do it again if there was no other option though! Also, I’m doing Internal Family Systems therapy and it is helping greatly! I apologize if you’ve posted about IFS previously and I missed it! It just seems to me that IFS might be a great fit for you! Take good care!

  15. Yay!! I’m so glad it’s helping. I don’t really know *why* it helped me either, but it did, so yay!!
    PS don’t let the vultures get you down.

  16. My doctors office has loops of kittens playing and then puppies playing… Maybe try that next time!

  17. There are so many ways I love this; especially as you’re seeing improvement. Though I wouldn’t have enjoyed the vultures flying at me. As you probably didn’t. I was depressed this weekend and also managed to hate myself for being depressed. It’s lifting now and I’m grateful. I am so glad you’re feeling better, no matter what “better” means. And to everyone here struggling, I wish you the power to hang on. That sounds so lame but I wish I could give you whatever was needed. I really do.

  18. I did my first round of IV ketamine (6 infusions) a few weeks ago and I’m still getting better!! I’m holding all the hope for you. You are not alone even a little bit. And I knew about ketamine from you 🙂 And now I’m going to find bird videos for my cats! (Not my ketamine)

  19. Oh my goodness, you would think that the treatment center would have the video equivalent of mellow Muzak in video and music form and wouldn’t let you be exposed to vultures flying at you and massive explosions and questions about cults on the screen. Just saying, it’s a teeny bit irresponsible of them, don’t you think?
    I’m so glad you are feeling better and managing your treatment and letting us know what you are experiencing. It makes it seem so less scary knowing that you are a pioneer documenting your journey into new treatments for your mind to be more at peace with itself.

  20. It is so brutally true that you can KNOW it will eventually end yet BELIEVE that it’s possible it will never end and you are gone. I recently came out of just 2 months of “am I gone?” I feel lucky is was short and the new meds worked. Thank you for continuing to help normalize these experiences. It provides immense comfort. Love to you & yours.

  21. Hi Jenny! I’m glad the ketamine infusions are working for you. I had my first round of four about 8 months ago. I spent my last infusion crying and begging the anesthesiologist to please let me die, that I am worthless, and I need to die. It took about a week to “wake” from depression, and I was okay for about 7 months. Then I sunk back down in the muck. It was so expensive, and I couldn’t find a way to pay my bills and get another infusion. A friend helped me, and I’m pulling back out again. I think I probably need twice a year infusions. I find that I just need a dark and quiet room. I tried music but it was distracting. Just quiet and letting my brain go. I am so, so glad to hear that this is helping you. Please keep us posted, my sister in brain sludge.

  22. So grateful to you for fighting the good fight and showing others it can be done! So many people are cheering you on and need you to keep being you!! Massive hugs to you and your whole family xoxo

  23. You. Go. Girl! My husband told me I walk like a penguin after a K transfusion. So of course I started wondering if I was Becoming A Penguin. And that drifted off into thoughts of herring…

  24. I love vultures, but not 3d flying at my face while tripped on ketamine. I’m starting tms soon and I hope it helps some like this has helped you, since I’ve been down with depression for close to a year.

  25. Perhaps you should get a stuffed vulture in a dapper suit and top hat and mount him swooping in from a wall somewhere. I’m sure you could come up with a clever name for him. Tll the husband its for medical reasons that you must have this bird.

  26. So glad you’ve found the help you need.
    My dentist has baby animal videos on a loop. Lots of AWWWWWW.
    No predators! Too much AHHHHHHHHHHH!

  27. I do audio only. If you look on YouTube, there’s actually a lovey playlist under “ketamine for depression music”. Then I can just close my eyes and I usually have lots of my own, often beautiful, images.

  28. I’m on TMS treatment 28…I think it’s working but if it stops & I relapse ketamine is my next choice for treatment or microdosing…Thanks for the tips!

  29. “Oh. This seems like…not birds”

    Now people at my office are staring at me because I snort-laughed at my desk.

  30. There is a channel on DirectTV called Baby First and it includes a segment called Picture Pad. I find it very relaxing, although never haven taken ketamine; hard to say if it could turn dark and scary! Actually most of the videos on baby first are very relaxing–not all; but most! Picture Pad has a You Tube channel but now I’m thinking that might not be the right route to relaxation! https://youtu.be/MNXZm9rbHA8

  31. So, when you write things like “I worried that this was the end and that my brain was slowly winding down to close out for good.” and really, that entire paragraph, I feel a little less hopeless. In the thick of it now and I want you to know you helped me today. I’m grateful for you.

  32. I’m so glad it’s helping you!! Sounds like maybe they should have wheelchairs to take you out of there. But maybe they don’t have that resource. Commercials would be very bad on ketamine. I get ketamine as anesthesia during my ECT treatments, but it’s not therapeutic, just better than propofol, which would make me feel icky.

  33. I’m just not allowed to have emotions. I can’t enjoy things because that comes with downs so I’m just not allowed anything. It kinda sucks but at least I’m not suicidal while I’m ragging.

  34. I’m being taken off of my maintenance ketamine injections. It’s horrible and I feel like my safety net is gone. I guess that prolonged usage cases urinary issues like urgency and incontinence. So my psychiatrist is taking me off of it. I’m devastated…and terrified.

  35. I’m so glad that they are helping and you are climbing out of the hole again! It can be a scary place. I recently came out of a long bout of my brain just…. shutting down, and I too was worried I would not be myself anymore. It’s taken time for my brain to heal (been a year since the initial WTF IS HAPPENING), but I am getting there, finally on ALMOST the right med combo. 🙌 Solidarity, and I hope you keep going in a good direction. The world needs voices like yours, and I’m grateful that you are still here. 💕✨

  36. My psychiatrist recently prescribed either ketamine or tms to try for my depression. I have to tell her which one I want to try on Thursday. I was so scared of both options. You have helped me immensely. You are saving lives Jenny. One post at a time.

  37. Sending a big virtual hug and wishes for better days ahead to Anonymous #14 ❤️‍🩹
    YAY Jenny❣️ You will never lose the spark that makes you You. Forget putting glitter in your coffin – your light will always be shining, whether you feel it or not. Thank you for all the good you do for all of us. 💗

  38. knowing that (grannies and burly men) makes me feel better, too. just more proof that there is no single answer/mode-of-help for everyone. or better stated, everyone’s need/tolerance/experience/etc. is unique. <3

  39. I’m so scared to do ketamine. I’m glad it works for you but I’d be the person kicking my way across the floor with my but in the air….nekkid.

  40. The Monterey Bay Aquarium has jellyfish floating around with soothing, plinky music in the background and it always helps to relax me. Search: Live Jelly Cam – Monterey Bay Aquarium

  41. Is it safe to come out now? I fell down the depression rabbit hole this winter and I’m just peaking out and sniffing the air.

  42. So glad you are doing ok. I’ve been thinking of you. I learned yesterday that Ashley Morrison, aka, the Youngest Old Cat Lady, a cat rescuer that I have followed online for years, took her own life. I just kept thinking about how I wish she could have remembered that “depression lies” and that it wouldn’t always be this bad. She had struggled for years and had lost her father to depression a few years ago. It broke my heart. I know she was struggling but I so wish she could have found better treatment methods and kept fighting. I have told do many people about you and used the line about depression lying so many times. I guess sometimes we can’t help but believe it even if we know it’s a lie. I’m so glad you are doing better. I needed that good news today!

  43. So glad you are beginning to feel more yourself (whatever that may be.) Depression Anxiety and PTSD is the big three for me. Im cheering you on from the sidelines and very thankful for modern pharmaceuticals.

  44. So glad to hear. You are never alone (unless you really want to be) and you are loved.

  45. First: #51 Maureen:

    I saw that too! About Ashley. At times like this, you just wish you were better at words. But words are not always my friend.
    Jenny? Vultures flying at your face? Holy Crumbbuckets!! I’m never high and that would freak me out. I started to suggest maybe watching something like The Muppet Show, but what would someone see or think about them?
    You know, while they are “so high they could go duck hunting with a rake.”
    It would have to be weird with the talking bear, frog, pigs….OMG!!! What about Gonzo? Or Animal? Or any other Muppet? 😱

    Forget I said anything.


  46. I think it’s remarkably brave of you to do scary ketamine infusions in the name of achieving mental fitness. Thank you for sharing your journey.

    I have certain medical challenges and this post reminds me that although I have a rough road ahead fit with scary solutions, my happiness is worth fighting for. I’m glad you’re fighting for your light Jenny, and hope your life continues to brighten.

    As for the ketamine clinic video library maybe they are letting Larry the loopy doomsdayer employee pick the available content lineup.. Buzzards swooping menacingly while they hunt? Sure! Explosions! Why not? Random “Water World” guy asking about your cult status? C’est la vie!

    Maybe you can bring your own iPad into the next appointment with your own video lineup, fit with countless videos of otters swimming (the Monterey Bay Aquarium live streams daily from their otter exhibit) aurora borealis footage on loop, and maybe some soothing button pouring videos for kicks. Just a thought!

    Monterey bay aquarium channel:


    Also the aurora borealis:


  47. Oh, honey, 💜💜💜🫂🫂🫂
    Started ketamine 1.5 years ago. It finally brought me back to myself. You wrote exact convos me and my partner had as I recovered, particularly about my “sparkle” returning.🤩

    While infusions were a giant help, I was slipping and needing a booster shot about every 6 weeks for the 1st six months. Then they finally added a ketamine lozenge to my treatment, which I take every other night. Game changing. It was an entire 7 months before I *decided* to return for a booster bc I had a major life challenge and I just wanted to safeguard myself from the risk of slipping.

    Wish I had know about the lozenge option sooner so I could have asked for it.

    (These lozenges are from my IV infusion clinic. Totally different fromthe compressed powder tabs through Mindbloom.)

    I’m rooting for you, love💖💖💖

  48. Dear Future Jenny,
    We are here, we have not forgotten about you, and we still love you.
    Brains are stupid.

  49. Glad you’re feeling better and I hope it keeps up because we love you and want you to stay well! You do so much good in the world just by being who you are and letting us glimpse into your world! I’m so proud of you for keeping up the fight

  50. Omg! At that price? How irresponsible of them. You should take your own programming with you. Imagine looking at video of the tiny houses you make! Or videos of your cats! YES! ❤️

  51. I brought my own music and didn’t watch anything. They had me wear a soft mask over my eyes. I can’t imagine watching anything that would have influenced my thoughts/images. I hope this brings you relief.

  52. #13 Elle….Cults are usually too scary to consider, but one led by Jenny….or Hunter S. Thomcat…. sounds intriguing.

  53. Oh man, I had this beautiful message for you, Jenny, and I pushed the back button. I’m kind of frustrated with myself that I can’t remember it now, but in a nutshell, you have helped me through the turmoil of depression since I started reading your books and blog. You are a beautiful inspiration to me, and I just wanted to let you know. It also said two things that make me happy.

    If you need another happy song, I love; “You Make My Dreams” by Daryl Hall & John Oates.

    For an adorable live stream, try explore.org, and there is a baby eaglet and another eagle egg about to hatch. Look for Decorah Eagles under the Bald Eagle live stream. Also, you can watch kittens and puppies through their website. There are no commercials too, so completely stress free.

    I’m so very glad you are starting to feel better. Depression really sucks, and I’m glad you have some relief to take a breath.

  54. My husband landed on the fjords of Norway for his ketamine treatments after trying several other ways to pass the time. I realize that’s not the ultimate point of your recent blog but he also developed a phobia of airplane travel & strange places in general & his time spent watching the beautiful views of Norway actually got him talking about wanting to visit there someday. This was a big step. Hugs to you & your healing. One day at a time, mama.

  55. I have been in a massive fibromyalgia flare for the last few weeks and truly empathize with you… It feels so isolating and like you can’t possibly tolerate one more day of it. But today the sun is shining and the birds are singing (luckily no vultures) and I have a tiny flame of hope. So I see you. And I hope you also have hope 💙

  56. So you know all those adorable clips you save and share? This seems like an excellent time to compile them into a soothing 10 min loop of cute and funny. Hooray for feeling human again!

  57. Not cool to make me cry at work because I relate to the first 3 sentences of paragraph 2.

  58. Glad to hear the vulture left you alone and didn’t help themselves to dinner, just yet. Be happy “the birds” weren’t a flock of crows, otherwise, to quote Agatha Christie, it “would be murder,” she wrote. Nyuk! Nyuk! Keep on trucking!😘

  59. I’m doing it for fibro (250 over 3 hours by IV), and I essentially listen to massage music. Anything with words gets very distorted and disturbing.
    However, there are pieces in my playlist that are native pieces which are gorgeous.
    I have to cover my eyes because I don’t think a migraine while “in a K-hole” would be a good time.
    Going pee while on K is awful.

  60. OK everyone is saying how the K returns them to themselves but what if you’re pretty sure yourself isn’t that great or kind or useful? THAT’S why I can’t bring myself to try the treatment. Would like to hear what people’s experience with that might be.

  61. Glad to hear you are coming out of your depression! I have gone on this journey with my adult daughter for years now….. I hope you continue booster Ketamine infusions / IM shots …… they have kept her out of a significant depression for years. She also uses psilocybin now and I find it amazing that not only is she not depressed, she is thinking clearly and at a much higher level than we saw when she was struggling the past few years. This has been a 10 year process for us so far and this is the best it has been “mentally” for her. She still has other medical issues that cause life struggles but at least she is somewhat happy and functional and living life : )

  62. Safe gentle hugs if wanted. I’m in the “please don’t send emails I can’t” spot now. Now being most of last year. I’m in the Netherlands and, weirdly, I don’t think I can get a ketamine treatment without getting a special delivery phone number from a friend of a friend.

    Also, birds are scary. All of them. They’re descendants of dinosaurs, and the thought that there are billions of mini-dinosaurs around the world and some of them have seen Jurassic Park is enough to make me hide in a closet and only get out for pizza.

  63. I’m so glad you’re back. I really missed you. I even thought “Jenny must be in a dark place right now,” and so I sent you good, hopeful, sunny vibes just in case.

  64. Tried ketamine once at an ER to help with a panic attack. That was such a bad idea for me. I’m tripping out that there is some giant folding machine at the end of the bed and afraid I’m going to be pressed flat and folded. And randomly switching back to reality, but reality was alot less real than the folding machine.
    Not sure I could ever try it again. But definitely not to break a panic attack.

  65. I’m in the taper phase of TMS, and I have to thank you again. When I was at the bottom of my depression hole, and wanted to end it, my husband convinced me to move from the bed to the couch, and I thought about how you tried TMS and it didn’t work, but you at least *tried*. So, the next day, I called and scheduled a consult. I’m lucky – TMS seems to be working for me, but I never would have tried it if it wasn’t for you, Jenny. That’s the honest to God truth. I knew going in that it might not work, but I knew that there was Ketamine if it didn’t.
    Another thing that has helped me with TMS is that the staff at my location is SUPER AWESOME. They believed it would work, when I didn’t, and they ALWAYS had hope for me.
    I’m here today, feeling pretty good, because of you. Because of your honesty. (And your humor.)

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  67. There should be a Youtube Special K Edition like Youtube Premium, but with only videos safe to trip to and no commercials. I’ve heard “hope is the thing with feathers”, but it doesn’t specify what kind, so maybe it was the hope vulture bringing your happiness back. Best wishes Jenny! May the hope vulture bring you joy!.

  68. I’m sorry/happy to hear this. This text is somewhere in-between what your texts usually read like and something more serious and I like it a lot. So, you haven’t lost your edge, probably never will until the sweet release of dementia calls in.

  69. Kudos to you for taking the steps to treat your depression. Neurodivergency is a bitch.
    My husband and I are taking a road trip next month, to San Antonio, for two reasons; I want to see the bats from the Riverwalk and visit your bookshop. If you ever doubt the positive influence you’ve had on a fellow neurodivergent, remember the crazy lady that’s driving from Denver to see your shop. ❤️

  70. That doctor’s office needs to pony up the $20/mo for YouTube Premium so they never show commercials like that to patients on Ketamine trips! WTF. lol

    I’m glad this is helping you. I truly hope this treatment kicks your depression to the curb for a nice, long while.

    My husband keeps saying he needs Ketamine to help him sleep, because conventional meds just don’t work. Even heavy-duty pain medications do nothing for him!

    He doesn’t have depression, he just doesn’t sleep well and has a high resistance to pain medications. Even Ambien didn’t knock him out!

    I’m not sure how he’d handle a trip like this. He probably wouldn’t even have one! My husband is weird.

  71. There are spotify/playlists/stations that are specifically for ketamine treatment. My husband is a combat veteran and goes in for PTSD treatments, and he has a custom play list that he put together. He sits in a dark room with his headphones on and listens to music that is helpful for him. You could also try a spa station if you have Sirius.

  72. Mainlining k is hardcore. I’m glad it’s working for you. That said, I’m a bit shocked that your dr/nurse practitioners are just….leaving you alone to trip out. Like, especially if you’re clinging to them as they leave.

    I’m familiar with the science behind IV ketamine injections for major depression. It seems to me that none of the researchers who characterize its negative effects as “tolerable” and “limited to around the time of treatment” have ever experienced a bad trip themselves. Nor have they bothered to gather any data from the innumerable folx who – lacking $600 a pop for medically supervised injections – may have hypothetically chosen to self-medicate with that same drug.

    All of which is to say that while individual experiences may differ, ketamine is broadly what I’ll call a contextual drug. Meaning that how you experience it when it’s in your system often depends on the environment in which you take it – both internal (brain) and external (that’s why the nurses put on bird vids) – and it’s harder to have a good experience if you’re in a bad place to begin with.

    For those of us whose brains are bad places to be, a loving and positive external environment is key to not having a horrific trip. Are you allowed to have loved ones with you during treatment? Or even a trusted medical professional or therapist? I don’t know anyone with chronic illness who hasn’t racked up some kind of medical trauma; I can’t believe they just dosed you and left you to spiral in the dark, alone.

    Nolite te bastardes carborundorum! And if they won’t let you bring people in with you, Paul Dinning on youtube puts up 8hr bird videos with no ads and no vultures:


    (I’m allowed to bring people in but I worry about freaking them out so I always do it alone. And if I start to panic there’s a panic button I can hit and they’ll come stay with me. I’ve had to do that once. They have cameras in the room and watch you so you do still have supervision and every 15 minutes or so they come in to check on you or give you more meds. I think that if you’re doing it for PTSD, etc. they have the nurse with you the whole time but for me it’s just about getting the drug into my system to change up my brain. I’ve seen lots of different types of treatments online though, and each is so different. ~ Jenny)

  73. Maybe if you named the vultures, they wouldn’t be so horrific. My bff and I named the birds living in the eave of her neighbours house. Jack and Roberta have had quite the story the way we tell it. It’s like an ongoing soap opera.

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