Motherfucker.

I just went to brush my teeth but we were out of toothpaste so I pulled out this tiny little travel tube that the stewardess gave me when I went to Japan and it’s the size of a hamster femur so I squeezed it all out onto the toothbrush and then I started to feelContinue reading “Motherfucker.”

I honestly still don’t know what the answer is. UPDATED: Wait. Yes, I do. But I think I was happier when I didn’t.

Conversation with Victor at iHop: me:  Ugh. I hate it when they don’t give you enough spaces to write the answers. Victor:  What?  Why the hell are you doing the puzzle on the kid’s menu? me:  Because you’re too busy playing with your phone to talk to me and also because puzzles help stave offContinue reading “I honestly still don’t know what the answer is. UPDATED: Wait. Yes, I do. But I think I was happier when I didn’t.”

RIP, Aunt Ollene

My sister, Lisa, just called to tell me that our great aunt Ollene just died and we decided to go in together on a flower arrangement and so I ordered it online from the florist across the street from the funeral home and it was very nice because their website basically pre-populates all the funeralContinue reading “RIP, Aunt Ollene”

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