Dear Google: Stop trying to help. You’re making it worse.

This morning someone asked me why there are 12 days of Christmas.  And honestly, I have no fucking idea.  So I decided to google it and then I stabbed myself in the head.  Why? Because I don’t want to live in a world where so many people are asking Google ridiculous questions that Google is all “Oh, stop right there.  I already know exactly what you’re going to ask”.  And you know what, Google?  You obviously don’t know what I’m going to ask if you’re jumping to these conclusions:


And yes, Google, I realize that this is less of a judgement that you’re making about me and more of a result of the hordes of dumb people using you but maybe you could wait until I finish the question before you jump to some horrific conclusion about what I’m asking.  Or not.

Not. Helpful.

Honestly, at this point I was a little offended.  But I kept going, thinking that this would eventually have to stop.

Are you fucking kidding me?

And now I’m just baffled.  Where on earth are there so many ostriches that we need to google it? I honestly don’t know.  But what I do know is that after reading that all I can think of is that it would suck to live there and I couldn’t concentrate because I couldn’t stop wondering why this was even a suggested question and so then I had to google “why are there so many ostriches” just to see what would happen.  And then *BAM* I just became part of the problem. WTF, me? And you know what I learned?  Nothing.  It took me to this web page about ostriches where I learned that ostriches have been clocked going really fast.  Direct quote:

“It had probably just huffed a cheetah kitten (sends you through a psychedelic wonderland at like a kajillion mph and ur not even halfway there. Despite this ability to run like the wind, the ostrich cannot lay claim to performing what any fast running bird-like creature ought to be able to do – take-off.  They have fat asses and abnormally small brains but they are kinda smart. This inability to pass from the running stage to the take-off mode is considered to be a design fault that may lead to the eventual extinction of this oversized dodo. They are kinda smart, but DO NOT, DO NOT, let an ostrich kick you, it will completely FUCK YOU UP.   IT WILL SHATTER ALL THE BONES IN YOUR BODY AND MAKE YOU BE PITYED BY MR. T, THUS INCREASING THE INJURY. DO NOT GET KICKED BY AN OSTRICH. I AM TELLING YOU, IT WILL FUCK YOU UP.”

So yeah.  There’s that.

PS.  I still don’t know why there are 12 days of Christmas.  I don’t even care any more.  I’m going to lie down and cry now.  Someone fix Google.

Comment of the day: I started to Google ‘I like’ and the following came up:  “I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger”.  Preaching to the choir, my friend. Preaching to the choir. ~ moooooog35

258 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Thanks for the info on the ostriches. Now I don’t have to google it… instead now I want to know what happened to all the dodo birds…

    Ummm… guess their name should say it all but I still really want to know!
    .-= Dawn´s last blog ..I used to try really hard to be like Martha Stewart… then she went to jail =-.

  2. There are 12 days of Christmas because Something Special happened on each day. Or rather, throughout the span of days. I rewrote that bit of the gospels on my bournal over Christmas. I neglected to mention the bit about the ostriches, though.
    .-= cenobyte´s last blog ..And another thing. =-.

  3. Why are black people so loud? Really, Google? Now you hate black people and the Chinese?
    .-= Windsor Grace´s last blog ..I am never doing this again =-.

  4. There are 12 days of Christmas because there are 8 nights of Chanukah and the Christians needed to be 150% better than the Jews. Look how much time I just saved you.


    Girl, you have competition.

  6. 6
    Just A. Reader

    I’m still stuck on “why are there two l’s in google?”

  7. “why are there school”…hmmm. That one answers itself, no?
    .-= The Zero Boss´s last blog ..Children’s Author Consigned to Texas Ed Board’s Terrorist Watch List =-.

  8. Since I have absolutely zero solution on how to fix Google, and if you’re not part of the solution you’re part of the problem, I’m going to have to Google and find out why exactly there aren’t cats in the Bible. Curious, very curious.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Tuesday Trivia: Books =-.

  9. Google went all Kanye on you. What the falafel?

  10. “Why are there school?” Because there is problems with your language skills.

    The 12 days of Christmas are the 12 days between Christmas and Epiphany (on January 6) when the Magi show up and give those gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh to baby Jesus.

  11. The thing that bothered me most about that paragraph is that there was no closing parenthesis. IT JUST LEFT ME HANGING IN THE INCOHERENCY. Gah.

    And the answer to “why are there school” is clearly “so people can learn and not write their questions so grammatically incorrect.” obviously. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle, really.
    .-= Kelly L´s last blog romance > bad romance =-.

  12. Cool! It showed my question about turkeys! Way to go Google!
    .-= Roberto Teixeira´s last blog ..A Decade as a Linux Pro =-.

  13. ostriches are freaking scary. it is a real problem. do not look them in the eye. #kindofserious #butireallywanttolookatthemintheeye
    .-= Elizabeth Potts Weinstein´s last blog ..Why I’m Letting Go of Things That Make Money =-.

  14. Why ARE there no cats in the Bible? Likely a dog lovers conspiracy. Bitches.

  15. I had to go find out what it said about why are blacks so loud. Living in the South and personally having many black friends, I have asked this question to them. The answer, in not so many words, was because the loudest gets heard. Most of them were from large families. Makes total sense to me!
    .-= Jess´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Already?! =-.

  16. WOW! I have seen your links on twitter for a while but have never clicked until know. Hysterical. I’m going to use this to procrastinate now…LMAO

  17. I love how “why are there school” is at the top of most of your results. Great Google, thanks for also assuming we’re all horrible at grammar!
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Dear James Cameron =-.

  18. The first place Google goes is “Why are black people so loud”? Oh, wait, that’s right, their motto is “Don’t Be Evil,” not, “Don’t Be Racist and Offensive.” Way to stick to your morals, Google.
    .-= MonsteRawr´s last blog ..Some Questions For the Universe =-.

  19. I don’t know what your problem is, most of these questions keep me up at night. Seriously. Why ARE Michael Jackson’s kids white?
    .-= Bejewell´s last blog ..The Post With Lots of “Buts” and One Unusually Tiny Head =-.

  20. Dude, good question. With everybody using the internet to figure out all this pertinent info, man, why are there school?!
    .-= That Kind of Girl´s last blog ..TKOG Who crashes the party =-.

  21. Wait, there are no cats in the Bible? Is it because Jesus doesn’t speak LOL?

  22. Wow, Bri, why didn’t we all know that? In Spain, they do gifts on Jan. 6th instead of Dec. 25th. Makes more sense for the gifts to go with the gifts of the magi than the birth of Jesus, right?

    As usual, you made me laugh, Bloggess.
    .-= Rose´s last blog ..Is My Baby a Picky Eater? =-.

  23. Ok, I’m just dying here at the “why are black people so loud”! I can’t fathom how that’s been googled so many times that it suggests it for you. Though now that I think about it…I kind of want to know why.

  24. I am laffing so hard that rootbeer just shot out of my nose.
    Why are there school?
    Thank you, again, dear girl. Thank you.
    .-= Lorraine´s last blog ..Some people . . . . =-.

  25. No cats in the bible = God hates cats.

    My ex-boyfriend hates cats = my ex-boyfriend is God.

    Wow. That’s what he kept trying to tell me.

  26. I love Google. I also love The Bloggess. I also love Christmas.
    Ostriches, not so much.
    .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Castles =-.

  27. There are 12 days of Christmas ’cause the eight maids a milking where really doing eight drummers and four went back for more.
    .-= chuck a stetson´s last blog ..The importance of finding “it” =-.

  28. I was going to feel cool for once and give a smart, correct answer, but Bri beat me to it. Now I have to go take my frustration out on a small animal. So look what you’ve done Bri, you’ve killed a kitten.
    .-= meghann´s last blog ..A homeschooling blip =-.

  29. Google’s number one under “why does…” is “why does my vag smell”. I think I’m going to burn my computer now.

  30. I’d like a pet ostrich… and I think I’ll say it loud…b/c I’m black and I’m proud. ….. …..Yuup. <that JUST happened.

  31. Why are there so many songs about rainbows? And why is “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” the only one that I can actually think of?
    .-= Marinka´s last blog ..Bagel Half =-.

  32. I always look at the suggestions too on google and stare at them and end up wondering off the same way you did. We just have to stay focus on Google Search because that will mess you up every time.
    .-= Dynasty´s last blog ..How do I make money on Twitter with no followers? =-.

  33. Well, there are lions in the bible…maybe they ate all the cats?.

  34. Am I the only one who totally wants to make out with Kermit right now? I don’t mean that in a Lady Gaga way, ps. That’s just weird. Besides, Lady Bugs rule. Now where is that frog tongued fiend?
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..FrankenBarbie =-.

  35. If you type “how to” into the google search box, the first suggestion that comes up is, “how do you get pregnant?” If you have to look up how to get pregnant on google, please, for the love of god, do NOT get pregnant.

  36. Google is the epitome of stupid. And I am pretty sure it is racist. They sent someone to my blog when they searched “Jesus take me now.”
    Google… I am pretty sure if they are looking for jesus and you sent them to me… you are fail. Fail google, fail.

    Thanks for the great post.
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Hey dj one more time =-.

  37. This is the first post of yours I have read. Thank you for being so hilarious. 😛

  38. “Why are there school” seems pretty self-explanatory to me.

  39. There are no cats in The Bible because Bible-people masturbated a lot. And everytime – and I mean EVERYTIME – someone masturbates, God kills a kitten. I learned that on the internet. Not in school. So “Why are there school” is a legitimate question.

    Another reason there are no cats in The Bible is because The Bible does not take place in Narnia.
    .-= Bad Guy Zero´s last blog ..I’m Pretty Sure This Is How The Swiss Do It… =-.

  40. I had to try this myself so I typed “why” and the first two things I got were “why do men have nipples” (fair question) and “why does my vag smell”. It’s a little scary that enough people are Googling (Googleing?) “why does my vag smell” that it beat out “why is the sky blue”. I also got “why can’t I own a canadian”.
    .-= Jennie´s last blog ..There’s Comfort in Routine =-.

  41. Well I for one have also been wondering why barns are red. I mean it just doesn’t make sense to me. I must googlle it now!
    .-= carissajaded´s last blog ..My many faces =-.

  42. More fun with Googlle (sp?)…type in Jenny the and pick your favorite other Jenny.

    I like Jenny the 2 legged cheetah personally.

    And doesn’t “why are there school?” answer itself?
    .-= Chris Illuminati´s last blog ..Here is why you should hate libraries =-.

  43. That “why are there school” question pretty much answers itself, doesn’t it?

    Oh, and there are 12 days between Christmas and Epiphany.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#122 Intangible =-.

  44. You have to admit that “Why are the Kardashians so famous?” is a pretty good question.


    I’ll take a Shasta.
    .-= Chris Illuminati´s last blog ..Here is why you should hate libraries =-.

  46. There are so many ostriches because there were no cats in the Bible. Extras made it onto the ark.
    .-= Kristin´s last blog ..An open letter to American retirees =-.

  47. i think it might be specific to each person. i am pressing manfriend for a ring (i am almost thirty. i want a g.d. wedding) so when i start asking google a question i get “why did i get married”, “how to make my boyfriend propose”,”how to get pregnant” (um really?)…so i am pretty sure google is just rubbing my little nose in it.

    it is a spiteful google.
    .-= jessalyn´s last blog ..lesson learned. =-.

  48. And PS…there are not 2 l’s in google…unbeknownst to Google, apparently.
    .-= Allyson´s last blog ..It’s Like That One Thing… =-.

  49. Thanks.

    I was seriously about to ask it that Ostrich question.

    You saved me from having to type.

    My lazy fingers adore you.
    .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Tuesday Quickie =-.

  50. It has dropped out of the top suggestions, but a month or so ago one of the top suggestions as you started typing ‘why’ was, “Why won’t my parakeet eat my diarrhea?” Only the parakeet knows.
    .-= Andy´s last blog ..It Only Took 12 Years =-.

  51. I’m in love with the “why are there two l’s in Google” question. I want to meet the person that actually managed to make it on to the Google site but still managed to ask that question.
    .-= Jessalee´s last blog ..Faulty Plumbing =-.

  52. I think what Jett is trying to say, is that the ostrich is like the fucking Chuck Norris of birds.
    .-= statia´s last blog ..Wood =-.

  53. Awesome post. If you want to be really angry at Google, try typing in “How can”. The first search option is something I would hope no one searches, let along a whole bunch of people. World, what is wrong with you?
    .-= Mary´s last blog ..Seismologist Dr. Qinya Liu =-.

  54. I just tried it and ended up wandering away from the original Christmas question by things like “why are anadians afraid of the dark” and “why are the montreal canadians called the habs”

    Jenny you give me an endless supply of things to make me look busy at my desk and for that I thank you. Even though I don’t think you’ll read this. Cause I’m a Canadian. Sorry.

  55. hahahahahaha omG i love your blog posts!
    .-= Nahl´s last blog ..Getting Started with the Sisterhood of the Blogosphere =-.

  56. “Why are there school?” Because all your base are belong to us.

    That is all.
    .-= gurukarm (@karma_musings)´s last blog ..The Help =-.

  57. You know, there’s also and Yahoo…
    .-= a´s last blog ..Show and Tell – Farm Life =-.

  58. I played this game for an hour and a half at work on Friday. My favorites is “why” becomes “why can’t I buy a Canadian?”, and “why does my vag smell?”. There are no words. THERE ARE NO WORDS.

  59. Oh ma gawd. This… this had me in tears, I was laughing SO hard at work where today I totally need it. Then I promptly flipped open Google and started typing. Seems some of your readers are trying to help you out because when you get to ‘why are there…’ you see ‘why are there 12 days of Christmas’ but HOLY CRAP the other things?! I mean really!?
    .-= Christina´s last blog ..GO Little Baby Horsies =-.

  60. Of course there were cats in the bible, but they ate them all on that 20 years trip through the Sinai desert with Moises. But they edited that part out. Would YOU follow a religion that eats cats?

  61. Your 12 days of Christmas question was answered on this very website by “Simone” (comment 59) after your blog on using lamb-blasted UNcorrectly and your 12 days of christmas carol video.

    why do i retain this sort of information? geez. help me.

    well, i remember reading it and commenting on it to my family without checking to see if it were true (then i would have found all these goofy googLLy questions out for myself a month ago), so i had to go scour your previous posts until i found it to tell you about it.

    now it is between you and simone. hope simone doesn’t not send an angry ostrich after me….

  62. So, since I now had to know much, I went to Google – and the suggestions now have Why are there 12 days of Christmas. So, you fixed Google!

  63. ‘where are there school’?!!
    So many people have googled this question with a glaring grammatical error?
    This is what’s wrong with the world.
    That, and the gratuitous lack of cats in the bible
    .-= Prosy´s last blog ..Only In The South =-.

  64. Most puzzling at quick glance “why are there two ls in google?” That’s super extra puzzling.

    I promise not to pay attention to google suggestions. Clearly the google-bot doesn’t get it.

  65. I would suggest bing, but their commercials are unclear. I don’t want you running around shouting “Twelve Days of Christmas! Twelve Angry Men! Angry Video Game Nerd! Video of Snooki Getting Punched! Snooki’s Cookies! Cookie Monster talking to An Alien! Alien-Penis Impaling Chicken-Baby!”

    Seriously though, what is bing trying to sell here? Cuz they can put it away…I don’t want any of that.
    .-= Christine@ The Dishy´s last blog ..Daily Dish: Takin’ it 2 da Streetz =-.

  66. Now I’ve got “The Rainbow Connection” song running through my head. Love you Kermit the Frog! It starts out “Why are there so many songs about rainbows.” Check it out – it’s a great song from “The Muppet Movie.”

  67. I googled the Christmas question, found a page with the answer and then just didn’t care enough to read it.
    .-= E to the M´s last blog ..WTFHere’s some Fitness Made Simple, “Get off your… =-.

  68. The real question should be why google? because google, according to ecosia – and why would they lie? – is the devil and if you were going to save the world you’d obviously be using ecosia and Bloggess, I know you are saving the world. Although, to be fair, ecosia has never guess what I am trying to ask.
    .-= Deidre´s last blog ..I can write e-cards OR birthday cards too…my skills know no bounds. =-.

  69. Well, that settles it: I need to take kicking lessons from an ostrich. Because I need to be able to break every single bone in a person’s body with a single kick. And then of course I would stand over them and be all like “You know Mr. T? Yeah, he pities you. Don’t take my french fries without asking.”

  70. the comments are making me spit diet coke out of my nose.
    Thank you. Thank you very much.
    so friggin’ hilarious.
    you guys rock.
    .-= Sandy´s last blog ..Happiness is….. =-.

  71. You wanna shut google up? Type in “child po rnography.” Then google just stares at you like the sick, sick person you are.
    .-= shine´s last blog ..My blog thinks some of you are spam. I can’t seem to change that. =-.

  72. Where on earth are there so many ostriches that we need to google it? Well if you are a professional ostrich racer it is an important question that has to be answered. The last thing you want to do is find out that you are unnecessarily losing races to people who have access to better Ostriches. And don’t get me started on the drug testing for the birds. Damn ostrich jockeys are always trying to get an edge.

  73. On a lark, I typed “where is” and got “where is chuck norris.” Why, Chuck Norris is in our hearts.

    And Google is in the shitter.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..My Father-in-Law Hates Me =-.

  74. Wait. Why are there so many songs about rainbows? I mean, why the hell would there be? And excuse me, but I don’t think there really are that many to begin with. There’s only one I can think of so far and I’m concentrating so damn hard that my brain feels like it’s going to explode. So thanks for that Google and Bloggess and Kermit and John Denver. Fucking frogs.
    .-= Miss Yvonne´s last blog ..It’s Not Gay If No One’s On Top =-.

  75. ‘Why are there school’
    Yup, that one kind of answers itself.
    .-= WildlyBland´s last blog ..Because This Totally Means I’m the Boss of You Now =-.

  76. Since when are there two l’s in google? I mean, aren’t you LOOKING at the google logo when you type that in?
    .-= Bridget´s last blog ..I think Party of Five meets Facts of Life is more like it. =-.

  77. Have you tried finishing the “why are there school” question? It actually makes sense now.

  78. I freaking LOVE Google’s “helpful” suggestions, and they just get better the more words you type in! Like, if you type “I like to…” you get “I like to move it move it,” which is cool and all, but pretty predictable. (And now I have that song stuck in my head. Curse you, Google!) But if you type in “I like to t…” the first thing that pops up is “I like to think of jesus as a mischevious badger.” I’d never thought of Jesus that way before, but from now on, I WILL.
    .-= Smoochagator´s last blog ..I’m sure this topic won’t inspire any strong opinions AT ALL. =-.

  79. The two ll’s in google question comes from the day where they actually had an extra l in the logo to make an 11, because it was there 11th birthday or something like that.

    Yeah, I spend way too much time online.

  80. You are the queen of the build. Except this time Google did it for you… I mean, it’s like the perfect blend of taboo and random, stuck into an aggregater and spit-shined with, well, ostrich spit. It’s almost like Google started wearing curlers…

  81. Well, damn.
    This is what I get for commenting before reading everyone else’s comments.

    The Zero Boss, you are wicked smart.
    .-= WildlyBland´s last blog ..Because This Totally Means I’m the Boss of You Now =-.

  82. This gives me a great reason to stay on the computer all day and search crap so I don’t have to do my household duties.
    I searched why I can’t own a canadian, it actually makes a lot of sense to me. Haha.

  83. um, i wish that there was a constant stream of your blog to my ipod so that instead of sitting here at work entering timesheets to Lady GaGa and laughing (not at the music, but at remembering your post on the Little Engine and the cat on your head) and then hoping that people don’t a) think i’m nuts for laughing at music even though i’m not, and b) that i must be listening to bill engvall instead of music, then i really could be laughing really hard to what i actually was listening to on my ipod and then work would be that much more entertaining. except for the days when Cecil Horace the fat man visits and tries to pick up my coworker. but then you’d have to know that the fat man is a character that i invented to keep myself entertained at work… wow. i guess i should have just said thanks for being funny.

  84. I love google. Partly for the joy of seeing those great suggestions. They make great conversation. A friend and I will sometimes play a game where we start out asking a seeminly innocent question, then see who gets the Best suggestions. clearly best is crazy shit like you had.

    Though my mind is still a little confused by the two l’s in google. My brain can’t wrap around that, ESP since they didn’t even misspell it to have two l’s. Thank you for sharing that about ostriches. Now I will tell people and quote you quoting them.
    .-= Kandace´s last blog ..Laughter is Grand =-.

  85. What that site *should* be telling you is to beware of ostriches making sweet sweet love to your car. True story (with pictures to prove!) – my husband and I went to the African Lion Safari 2 years ago (the Canadian one…not the real Africa – that’s too rich for our blood), and one of the ostriches was lusting over my 1990 Subaru so much so that it threw it’s body onto the hood and was writhing it’s long, skinny neck all over the hood and windshield of my car…*for half an hour*. Naturally we couldn’t drive anywhere without taking out the ostrich, and of course being a nearly 20 year old car we were lacking air conditioning in the middle of summer. I secretly suspect the ostrich knew this and the Subaru love-making was just a show so he (?) could watch us sweltering inside the car, dying slow, hot, sweaty deaths. So yeah, sure, a kick from an ostrich may hurt, but their mind games are what will *really* fuck you up.

  86. 1. Ah, an Uncyclopedia article! If anyone doesn’t know, Uncyclopedia is a Wikipedia parody where people make up the weirdest possible shit about any particular subject.

    2. I believe “Why are there so many ostriches?” is a direct quote from a Family Guy cutaway gag about a film called “Too Many Ostriches” starring Don Knotts.
    .-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..PITCHER: Unpopular and Undead =-.

  87. “why are there school” – so that we can answer all these other questions? But google does that for us now. So we really don’t need schools at all because we have google. So, oh great google gods… why are there STILL school? Must just be to learn grammar…

    There are 12 days of Christmas because the epiphany (when the wise men brought the gifts, I believe) is 12 days after Christmas and the end of the Christmas season. Or it used to be, but apparently the Vatican has now decided to keep the nativity scene out till Feb 2nd. So there’s like 40 days of Christmas now making it on par with the number of days of Lent – which I guess seems fair.
    .-= My Baby Sweetness´s last blog ..Moving to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches. Because I joined Costco and they are only sold in 10 gallon drums. =-.

  88. I didn’t see this response yet, but… I’m pretty sure “Why are there so many ostriches” is a reference to a Don Knotts line in a ‘Family Guy’ episode.

    …checking internets…
    yup. thar she be:

    “There’s way too many ostriches. Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there would only be a few ostriches. This is a terrible vacation!”

  89. Sometimes I am convinced Google is fucking with me because it can.
    .-= sarah´s last blog ..The Case Against Toast. =-.

  90. Why are there two ls in google? There are, in fact, two ls in google. The second l is not only silent, but is invisible. If it were both pronounced and visible, the word would be spelled thusly: gloogle. Just remember, children, L sounds like ell except when preceded by g and followed by o, in which case it is silent and invisible. You may now return to your regularly scheduled lives.

  91. Never, EVER google your symptoms. Dr. Google is a cruel bitch. I’ve had cancer over 9,000 times by now.
    .-= K´s last blog ..What the hell, day? =-.

  92. I totally read that as ostrich’s have fast asses… I. WANT. A. FAST. ASS.
    I’ve all ready got the pea brain thing down.

  93. Google is like the most annoying friend in the group that ALWAYS. TALKS. OVER. YOU.

    I forgot what I was goin

    Stop interrupting m

    .-= Mrs. Flinger´s last blog ..Clean Eating Articles: Click Through for You =-.

  94. ha ha – I took my own screenshot at work today when google gave me “why can’t black people swim” – I was horrified!!!! Will post about it before too long!

  95. There are school to fix your poor grammar.

    That’s what google’s answer should have been.

  96. Have you ever watched Graham Norton?
    .-= Aimee Greeblemonkey´s last blog ..Their First Word? =-.

  97. LOL My favorite is “why are there two l’s in google”. Um, yep. Human race officially dumbed down too much.
    .-= Beth in SF´s last blog ..My Addiction =-.

  98. I am also getting really tired of having bad juju in the comment luv area.

  99. I made this exact same mistake (and did a blog post on it actually…are you stalking me?). I Googled “is” and the first thing on the list was “is Lady Gaga a man.” Are there really that many people asking that question? But then, just like you, I selected it just to see what would pop up and BAM. The vicious cycle continues. We have no one to blame but ourselves.
    .-= Karen´s last blog ..You Look Just Like… =-.

  100. So, I was planning on stopping by my local ostrich farm today on my way home from work to get kicked by an ostrich. I thought it was a good idea. But you know what? Your ridiculous Googling has led me to believe that would be bad. So I am going to refrain. Thanks for the help!
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Tropical Traditions Winner! =-.

  101. I REALLY think the first “Why are the” question should be “Why are the Kardashian’s famous?” Because well, I wanna know. I haven’t figured it out yet. And I’m tired of seeing them in Quick Trim commercials because I can never find the remote to change the channel before I have to vomit.

    Anyways, I just wanted to also say thank you because I’m now singing The Rainbow Connection in my head despite the fact that my iPod is playing “Another Night” By the Real McCoy. Kermit rocks!
    .-= Shirley´s last blog ..Sorry, It’s Empty! =-.

  102. LMAO That is hillarious! “Why are there two l’s in google”? Really? *heads over to google (or is it googlle) to play. 🙂

  103. I will so eat an ostrich. I haven’t yet… but emu is the same, right?
    .-= mepsipax´s last blog ..Hey dj one more time =-.

  104. If you Google “why are” in Canada the #1 is “Why are Canadians afraid of the dark”.

    I didn’t realize we were. But I’m thinking maybe I should be… Really I’m more afraid of the type of people who made “why are there school” happen.

  105. All I can think about is “why are there school?” What. The. Fuck. My 3 year old speaks better than that. Hell, my 3 year old conjugates better than most adults.

    School is for learning, fools. 🙁 Especially learning how to properly speak. You might want to spend a little more time working on your English homework, you thousands of googlers out there that made that a top question for Google to even suggest.
    .-= Mommy’s Blend´s last blog ..On a serious note. =-.

  106. So, Bri, if there are twelve days of Christmas and my “true love” (cheating bitch) gave me 363 gifts (I believe that’s what it comes out to) and Jesus is supposed to be this uberfamous guy, why did he only get 3 presents? Have the people of today really become so selfish and self absorbed as to feel the need to deserve more presents than Jesus? But, then again, why are they giving presents to Jesus like stinky stuff and stuff you give dead people (dude, that whole thing TOTALLY gave away the ending)? Shouldn’t they have given Mary and Joseph a sawed of shotgun, chainsaw, and duct tape so they could survive the aftermath of the second coming of the great zombie lord?

    And ostriches are only dangerous if you’re not Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats ostriches for breakfast. Chuck Norris doesn’t do push ups, he pushes the earth down. And yet, Chuck Norris still doesn’t understand google. I expect google to quickly get a round house kick to the face.
    .-= Uriah´s last blog ..A tail is a tail, people, whether it’s a tail or not! =-.

  107. This is likely why google is the most used search engine. You go to search one thing then an hour later you realize you still haven’t figured out exactly why Michael Jackson’s kids are white and you also haven’t found why there are 12 days of Christmas, plus you have to find out if there really aren’t cats in the bible. So you google again. It’s a vicious cycle.
    .-= Brianna´s last blog ..Free TV =-.

  108. What in the hell did we do before Google?
    I think probably just make shit up…but whatever.
    .-= Mrs Chaos´s last blog ..When the Saints Go Marching In =-.

  109. Every damn time I type the word”can” it lists this:
    Can I get pregnant while I’m on my period?

    Where the fuck did that come from?! I’m old enough to know how al that shit works. Then, it gets me all nervous because I start thinking maybe my husband is really a woman and he’s trying to subtly tell me something.
    .-= So Not Mom-a-licious´s last blog ..Consumerisum shouldn’t apply to ages under double digits =-.

  110. Ok Jenny my apologies in advance – my intent is not to turn your comments in to some heated racial debate but seriously a couple of commenters indicated that they actually wondered why black people were in fact so loud. To that I say , are you kidding me !? Of all the ridiculous generalizations.
    I understand you were simply pointing out what your attempt to do a Google Search showed you.

    But those individuals seemed to seriously be pondering that question as if they believe it to be true.

    It kind of makes me angry enough to kick an ostrich.
    There. I’ve said it.
    Carry on
    .-= Stacey´s last blog ..A whole lot of Why =-.

  111. I just realized that there ARE cats in the Bible. Hello, Daniel. he was thrown into a lion’s den. Tada. Cased closed.

  112. You think plain Google’s bad, try Web Seer. That’s just messed up.
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#122 Intangible =-.

  113. This is why the term “google bomb” exists.

    It’s true, sometimes there is nothing better to do with your day.
    .-= Cyndi´s last blog ..concentric circles =-.

  114. google’s been smoking…

    “why are there school”?

    Obviously to teach all you dumbasses that “are” would be followed by a plural noun, “Is” for the entity or singular. Der.
    .-= adulterousellie´s last blog ..Costume shopping IV =-.

  115. The google suggest option is pretty annoying, but I think there’s a way to turn it off. I’m too lazy to look it up and do the ol’ copy and paste, but telling you’s just as good hopefully.

    This post did quench my curiosity though. Why aren’t there cats in the bible? I’ll ask my religion teacher tomorrow. I wonder what his facial expression will be…

  116. Sorry it was my bad juju not yours.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..I Can’t Come Up With a Title. I Really Don’t Even Know What This Post is About. Gobbledygook. =-.

  117. Great, now I have to go find out why there aren’t any cats in the Bible. Cats were still big in Egypt at the time. You’ve just snagged me into your lair and made ME part of the problem too.

  118. Wow. Now I have that stupid Kermit/rainbow song stuck in my head. Probably the only thing that will make it stop is heavy drinking.This is your fault google.
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..Two-handed typing is wonderful =-.

  119. “Why are there so many ostriches?” is from Family Guy, part of a clip where DOn Knotts is in a field of ostriches looking confused.

    My concern lies in “Why are there two l’s in Google?” when clearly the people asking were only using one to ask. They, of course, are the “Why are there school?” people, since these questions go hand-in-hand. I would rather have seen “Why are there so many Kardashians?” personally. I think Google is overlooking an entire section of its users by omitting that one.
    .-= adrienne´s last blog ..NaNoRevisMo, or How Adrienne got her groove back. =-.

  120. A few weeks ago I blogged about a conversation with my 4 year old where he asked how many days there are til next Christmas…post title is “Countdown to Christmas 2010.” I am APPALLED at how many independent, direct hits from everywhere that I have gotten this month (JANUARY!!) where people googled the words “countdown to Christmas 2010”
    .-= Paula´s last blog ..Chee-burger! Chee-burger! Chee-burger! =-.

  121. I am so confused. There are two L’s in Google? Huh?!
    .-= Andria Stanley´s last blog ..Twenty-Eight Weeks =-.

  122. Now I kind of want to know why there are no cats in the Bible.
    .-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Brews News: the “let’s warm up with beer” edition =-.

  123. Why, there are a lot of red barns! Google is so observant.
    .-= Mommica´s last blog ..Photo Friday: Yep. Still winter. =-.

  124. Like fortune cookies, you need to end every google suggestion with the phrase “in bed” it all makes sense.

    Why are black people so loud…in bed.
    Why are the Kardashians famous in bed.
    Why are there no cats in the bible in bed

    Why are ther so many ostritches in bed…kinky mofo…

  125. About the ostriches – in case no-one else posted this, I couldn’t be bothered to read the whole damn thing:

  126. Google? Seriously? Wikipedia is the source of all knowledge!

    Here we go: and

    As others have pointed out, there are twelve days between Christmas and Epiphany, but I’ll add that in 1800 the difference between the Julian ( and Gregorian ( calendars became 12 days and the song originates from the mid- to late-eighteenth century, so I guess there could be a correlation there, too.
    .-= Mark (Dudge OH)´s last blog ..dudgeoh: Do we really need tv chefs for #burger recipes? Its just ground meat, s & p and whatever other seasonings go w/ meat &/or your taste. =-.

  127. “why are there two l’s in Google”
    I keep telling people, there’s no cure for stupidity.

  128. I want to know why are there NO cats in the bible. I really do. Actually, don’t we need to verify whether this assumption that there are no cats in the Bible first before we ask why? So now I have to goddamn go read the Bible, again? Both Old and New? Now this is driving me crazy. Fucking Scientologists. I am blaming this on them.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..You never know what’s going to remind you of your childhood… =-.

  129. Ooh! Ooh! I know some of these!

    “Why are there no cats in the bible”: All cats are evil & are banished from anywhere holy.

    “Why are there school”: This is an example of an inadvertantly rhetorical question. If you went school you might know what that is.

    “Why are flamingos pink”: They eat shrimps & other pink stuff. And they’re FLAMINGOES. There are school so you can learn how spell *flamingoes”. And know that they eat pink stuff. And that ostriches can FUCK YOU UP.

    I hope I’ve been able to be of some service. Good night.
    .-= Drolgerg´s last blog ..“Whiskey For Aftershave”?! What are you, some kind of tramp? =-.

  130. I just Googled Google and went back in time. And, in that time, Google had two l’s and only one o. Weird.
    I also noticed that, in this time space continuum, that the world was populated with morons that asked stupid questions and they spelled continuum with one u.

    Side note: To Emily – I Googled “Why doesn’t Emily laugh at Lady Gaa Gaa?” The only thing that came up was, “She should”. <<<<<<< notice…one L!!
    Jus' sayin'. 🙂

  131. OMG! Really? My husband thought I was going to pee my pants I was laughing so loud! Thank you for making a rainy Tuesday a little brighter!

  132. Supposedly, google being an idiot is the reason why God invented BING…but i hate Bing so… And there are NOT 2 l’s in google, are there?? cuz the fuck is that??
    .-= Levon´s last blog ..Another WTF, Ya’ll =-.

  133. See this is EXACTLY why I avoid learning. It can only lead to stress and eventual questioning of the motives of ostritches and their rapid re-production.


  134. Very funny post! Thanks for the laugh!

  135. I’ve never laughed so hard.

  136. Try googling “is”
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Implements of Sleeping Convenience =-.

  137. When I started out with “why”, I got “Why is my poop green”.
    I don’t think I appreciate your preconceived notions about me, Google.
    .-= Salt´s last blog ..Happy Marriage: Imperfect Daisies Style =-.

  138. Salt: I’ve googled that before, so I’m part of that problem. And gotten no satisfactory answer. Sigh.
    .-= K´s last blog ..What the hell, day? =-.

  139. The cats were in Egypt being worshipped. They problemly had a bible about them. Being worshipped is cool, I would think.

    I would “Gloogle” it; but just won’t come up. “Sorry, we have no information about is delegated to four nameservers, however all four delegated nameservers are missing.” WTF, all FOUR of them are missing. Delegated sounds like a government thing.

    I would go hide my head in the sand but now I am scared of the ostritches.

    Now I don’t feel good.

  140. That’s not google doing that, that is people actually typing that stuff in to google.. yes, there are some stupid people out there… just ignore it… it will go away… 🙂

  141. I Googled, ‘What the f…’ trying to Google ‘What the future holds,’ though I’d find an internet psychic website, but no, it gives me your sight? I need some help, sure, but then again I read some of your stuff here, and well, looks like you kinda need as much help as me. But anyway, I’m wanting to know should I quite my job? Sell my Nova? And move to Reno? And what about my heavy drinking…

  142. Okay so…1) Google needs to work on her/his grammar because that last one “Why are there School” No. Just No. Google it’s either “Why is there school” or “Why are there schools” You see the difference?


    2) Why are black people so loud? Honestly it’s kind of ridiculous.

    (I’m black, so it’s hardly racist)

    And WTF? Google is not spelled with two L’s. Who the hell asked that?! Because I’d like to personally slap them.

    ps. Your google is better then mine because when I type stuff it waits for me to type my question. It doesn’t just jump to conclusions. *sigh*
    .-= Rebekah Mae´s last blog ..One of these things doesn’t belong… =-.

  143. and now I have the urge to Google ‘pictures of cats reading the bible while riding ostriches’
    .-= fidget´s last blog ..I heart faces: texture =-.

  144. I didn’t know people cared that much about Cats to ask about them in relation to the Bible. However, asking why there are so many ostriches makes perfect sense to me. I mean seriously those things are freaky looking, why do we need more than 1?
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Ch-Ch-Chia Breast =-.

  145. The sad and tragically human aspect to this story is that relaxing into an acceptance of what is far preferable to asking “why,” only ever leads us down a road of pain and into a world of hurt.
    .-= Mr. Paul Maul´s last blog ..SHOVE IT UPWARDS! #3 – CLICK TO GET TO THE VIDEO! =-.

  146. BTW, there iz no cats in the Bible cuz we can haz our own Bible. Heer iz furst!1 2 vursez:

    1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.

    Anyone hoo haz to look foar dis on Google iz reeding rong Bible. Sheesh.
    .-= Loki´s last blog ..Art Quotes: Francisco de Goya =-.

  147. Someone has probably already mentioned this, but I am far too lazy to read 147 comments. I am surprised you didn’t mention the “why are there school” suggestion… it’s the question that answers itself.

  148. My boyfriend, Dudeguy, is now fascinated by this feature…he’s been on it for about an hour now.

  149. I just want to know who is asking why there are two l’s in Google, and then typing it without two l’s. Shouldn’t the question be, why are there two l’s in Googlle? And then perhaps, is dumb contagious? because if it is, we should all worry
    .-= kate´s last blog ..Hello My Name Is =-.

  150. Pardon my not scrolling through 148 responses before mine to verify why there are too many ostriches, but I learned this answer many moons ago because ostriches are predators and eat smaller animals… which is a reason why many gourmet restaurants and Whole Foods supermarket chains, etc. offer ostrich meat (which is high in protein and lower in cholesterol than beef).
    .-= Ari Herzog´s last blog ..Happy That Summer Camps Use Social Media =-.

  151. @ Smoochagator, I will from now on always think of Jesus as a mischevious badger.
    Thank you from the bottom of my little pagan heart.

  152. I can’t wait to see the comment of the day on this one.

    You’re fabulous. And google scares me too.

  153. I want to know why so many people googled “why are there two l’s in google” when there are neither two Ls in Google, nor it a proper question, syntax-wise. Since when can a letter possess anything not referring to its typography?

    And I mean, the freaking name is at the top of the freaking page. How many idiots couldn’t have put two and two together, there?
    .-= Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On photography =-.

  154. I just typed in why in google because I didn’t believe it gave you all those crazy suggestions and here’s what it gave me:
    why do men have nipples / why does my vag smell / why is the sky blue / why is my poop green /why did I get married too / why do dogs eat poop / why are people posting colors on facebook / why do cats purr / why can’t I own a Canadian / why are black people loud.

    so i believe you now. i have always wondered why i can’t own canadian.
    .-= Rebekah´s last blog ..Birth Story – Part 2 =-.

  155. someone please fix America. Isn’t that why there are school?

  156. I’M NOT LOUDDDDD!!!! FUCK YOU GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMBO 😉
    .-= Roschelle´s last blog ..Open Letter to prospective emergency room patient =-.

  157. Damn you Blogess.
    Now the Wombat’s got that song about rainbows in her head for the rest of the day.
    PS Kermit the frog is so NOT all that.
    The Wombat should have got that role. The Wombat was perfect for it. The Wombat can sing. The Wombat can do news bulletins. The Wombat would even have kissed Ms Piggy, if she’d brushed her snout first …
    .-= Wombat Sushi´s last blog ..The Wombat goes global =-.

  158. To be fair, “Why are the Kardashians famous” is a good question.

    Though it probably says something that that’s one of the better questions there.

  159. When you try to do the same from sweden the first thing that appears is: “Why are swedeish girls so beautiful”, and I am acually offened, I’m not beautiful..
    And the next one is “Why are swedeish girls som good looking”. Well, apparently we are, according too google
    .-= Stina´s last blog ..Lycka är: =-.

  160. I’m not even going to try to be funny here. I blog about substitute teaching, and have been checking out other educator blogs. Apparently, there are teachers ENCOURAGING their students to set up blogs. I know we all have rights to blog, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that ostrich excerpt was written by some underachieving teenager forced to blog about ostriches by a teacher who didn’t even bother to proofread the mess.

    Not everyone has something important to share with the world wide web.
    .-= Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Book Arsenal II =-.

  161. Why are there school, when there are internet? School are lame.
    .-= headbang8´s last blog ..Certified Sexy =-.

  162. I’m sorry. The fact that ‘why are there school’ is even searched enough to be an automatic google listing makes me weep for humanity.

  163. I dunno. I kind of love Google. Especially when they dress it up for holiday’s. Also? One time I had a weird reaction after eating an apple, so I googled “Apple Itchy Tongue” and found out I’m allergic to the skin on fruit. So, yeah. I *heart* Google.

  164. I started to Google ‘I like’ and the following came up:

    “I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger”

    Preaching to the choir, my friend. Preaching to the choir.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Doggone Excuses =-.

  165. Don’t you have an intern that’s supposed to handle all the googling?

  166. if i had a robot, i’d fuck it
    .-= furiousball´s last blog ..Cheerios Basketball =-.

  167. I decided to google my name and my selection was Jennifer Convertibles as number one. WTF? Google is definitely cracked. I hope you can devise a scheme to fix it soon before the internet attacks us 🙂
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Paparazzi Everywhere…not really =-.

  168. There’s a whole site about Google doing this!
    .-= Linz´s last blog ..The Chef – Part 3 =-.

  169. It’s true… an ostrich will fuck you up, but an emu is worse, they can jump up and kick you kangaroo style and disembowel you, not a pretty sight I’m sure.
    12 days of Christmas origin- in short it’s some kind of jacked up way that was to help young people to remember the content and meaning of the christian faith.
    .-= Denise´s last blog ..wonky pot trio =-.

  170. So can we assume that the google searches are like Twitter threads? If we ask a question A LOT, eventually it will make the top of the list? We should all ban together and create a question and see if we can get it to the top of the “Why is”….Much like our Shatner protests – or like the time I screamed WOLVERINE out at the Starbucks…and everyone thought I was crazy. Except for everyone here that is. But you guys weren’t there….At the Starbucks…You were, well, where ever you live. Anyway.
    .-= MinivanSoapbox´s last blog ..Going Public =-.

  171. Great. I was happy before, but now *I* need to know why there are no cats in the bible and why turkeys are called turkeys. You’re making me a part of the problem. So, thanks.

  172. The fact that these questions not only exist but are prevalent enough to appear at the top of google’s suggested list terrifies me. Who asks why google has two l’s while spelling it with one l? And the others… wow. Just wow. Though I’m comforted to know I’m not the only one confused about the Kardashians. When I first heard the show’s name I thought it was a bad Star Trek DS9 spinoff until I realized it wasn’t ‘Cardassians.’ I won’t lie, I was a little disappointed to learn the truth. Maybe more than a little.

    I am also distressed to discover that lions no longer qualify as cats. Has anybody told this to the lions? Those bastards are all over the bible. Maybe that’s what got them kicked out of the cat club. I mean, they were always a little weird, hunting in packs and being all ‘fuck solitary hunting, this is easier’–which I sort of agree with, but I think the other cats were probably a little insulted by. So I guess what I’m saying is cats are a highly exclusive club and you shouldn’t piss them off, even if you got to be in the bible and they didn’t. I’m looking at you, Jesus. You knew they had an in with the Romans and you just didn’t care, did you?

    Also, the twelve days of Christmas are supposed to track the time between Jesus’s birth and the arrival of the three magi on Epiphany (January 6th). That’s right, they didn’t give him any gifts at all on his birthday. They say “fashionably late” but I say “forgot to buy decent presents and/or hanging out with bitchy cats.” They pretty much made up for it by giving him gold and whatnot, though.

  173. […] “And then *BAM* I just became part of the problem.“  The Bloggess is hilarious.  I haven’t gotten into her archives yet, but since I started reading her (just last week), she’s made me laugh with almost every post. « Fuzzy attack […]

  174. Of COURSE I just spent way too much time on google, googling all the things written about above. I prefer Dr. Google, myself. Telling me a spot means cancer and all that happy stuff!
    .-= MommaKiss´s last blog ..Dating =-.

  175. And yeah… why aren’t there any cats in the Bible? I CAN HAZ RELIGION NAO? Maybe Jesus was allergic…

  176. Tested in Sweden:

    Suggestions for the phrase “why ar”:
    why are swedish girls so beautiful
    why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria
    why are the simpsons yellow
    why are swedish girls so good looking
    why are americans so stupid
    why are you wearing that stupid man suit
    why are americans afraid of dragons
    why are swedish people so good looking
    why are you wearing pajamas do you live here
    why are michael jacksons children white

    I draw 4 conclusions:
    1. The suggestions depend on region.
    2. Sombody at Google is mental (and/or racist).
    3. Swedish people think they look good.
    4. Swedish people think americans are stupid (and/or believe in dragons).

  177. […] at work. My cube-mate was understandably disturbed by my reaction to yesterday’s post about Google’s “helpfulness” – I mean, it is rather disconcerting when the person next to you is alternately guffawing and […]

  178. aren’t lions cats? So there are cats in the bible, big fucking christian eating cats yes, but still cats.

  179. Why are there no cats in the Bible? Who would search for that? Who cares if there is no cats in the Bible. Oh wait, why are there so many ostriches? It’s not like they are running around all over the place. (As a sidenote: Google rocks my socks off.)

  180. Maybe we all need to band together and ask, “Why is Google so asinine?”
    .-= Abigail Carter´s last blog ..A Hallmark Moment Exposed =-.


    whole tens of minutes of entertainment.

  182. Sweden got me wondering, so I tried Canada. Apparently Canadians are afraid of the dark, into hockey, are philosophic, have cold hands and have trouble spelling the word colour (This Canadian thinks OU makes more sense). Otherwise, they are pretty much like Americans.

    Why are Canadians afraid of the dark?
    Why are Montreal Canadian’s called the Habs?
    Why are Michael Jackson’s kids white?
    Why are yawns contagious?
    Why are there school?
    Why are people posting colors on Fabebook?
    Why are we here?
    Why are people posting colours on Facebook?
    Why are polar bears endangered?
    Why are my hands always cold?
    .-= Abigail Carter´s last blog ..A Hallmark Moment Exposed =-.

  183. 185
    Beth Yehaskel

    You need to follow @searchoftheday to really see the scary stuff people are searching for online…..

  184. That reminds me of something my son showed me. If you do a Google search for “white people stole my car,” Google responds, “Do you mean ‘black people stole my car’?” Tsk, tsk, Google. Tsk, tsk.
    .-= s.i.´s last blog ..Good Grief =-.

  185. I’m sorry, that question should really be: Why are Mixons so loud? Jess is right, it is because we are a large family. And we’re not black. We’re whites from the Deep South.

  186. Aren’t Southerners in general pretty loud? And actually Americans on the whole are supposed to be rather loud, but being one myself I wouldn’t so much have noticed, it’s always foreigners saying that.
    .-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..PITCHER: Unpopular and Undead =-.

  187. I have always wanted to know why the Karshadians are famous. Not enough to Google it though.
    .-= Issa´s last blog ..I’d like to be this strong one day =-.

  188. I don’t know about all Southerners. But I do know that I still yell over people when I get worked up, which has caused comment in more than one area.

    As far as foreigners—hey. Have you ever stood on a street corner next to a family of Italians? I went into a Bank of America in Florence once because the ATM wouldn’t give me my money, and I got yelled at by the manager. Bank of America? Yes? Shouldn’t they at least speak enough English to give me my money?

    Of course, I didn’t know then that it was originally Bank of Italy. I don’t know if that would have helped or not.
    .-= Victoria Mixon´s last blog ..Gobsmacked! the Carolyn Cassady interview, Part 2 =-.

  189. just wanted to say thank you so much for the laugh,I really needed it today!

  190. Great. Now I have Kermit singing The Rainbow Connection stuck in my head. Eff you, google!
    .-= caramama´s last blog ..The Body of a Mom =-.

  191. LMAO. I love this post!! It’s so freaking true. Whenever I do that Google loves to think it knows what I’m going to ask and some of the suggestions it gives me are absolutely ABSURD!!
    .-= krissy´s last blog ..Radio Shack trade in program… =-.

  192. 194

    i totally just went to google on this…..i thought (HOPED) you were making funnies again. i got as far as “why” and saw “why does my vag smell?”

    the world is in deep shit ppl.

    i did not read the article on said vag….however, i may have to now.

  193. — the solution to the missing-cats-in-the-bible situation. (Clearly how the bible *should* have been written originally.)

  194. The Kardashians are famous because they have beautiful butts and giant tatas that they use to point with – like if they want to say, “Hey! What’s that over there? Is it an ostrich? ” instead of pointing with a finger, they point with their whole chests.

    And if I could figure out a way to explain to my students why there are school, my life would be SO much easier.

    That and if someone could please take care of all these fucking ostriches everywhere.

  195. Heh, google will fuck you up.
    .-= Cedarflame´s last blog ..mais oui mon ami =-.

  196. Technically, it’s not Google’s fault those suggestions come up, it’s past users who have submitted those quires. But seriously…why are their no cats in the bible?
    .-= Sal B / @mayhemchaos´s last blog ..LOST Season 6: Then I Can Die =-.

  197. LOL! Oh my GOD, I just laughed ridiculously loud for about five minutes straight. Thank you for this!
    .-= Kate´s last blog ..Walking in the Rain, a Good Movie, and I Want It To Be Spring =-.

  198. even more importantly…..WHY aren’t there cats in the bible? now i need to know.

  199. Seriously – Google is where I get the best inspirations for my posts! I think Google suggestions are hilarious – but not as hilarious as you, obviously.
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..Tunes for Tuesday Confessional =-.

  200. WHY ARE THERE SCHOOL? Do that many people really search for something so obviously plural in an obviously singular way? And don’t they realize it’s because they need to be educated so they can learn the difference between singular and plural? The bigger question google should be asking is how do you get people to stop talking in a movie theater. That would be something useful.

  201. Your blog is awesome! Just discovered it, and have never laughed so hard.
    .-= Unplanned Cooking´s last blog ..How to plant a spring garden =-.

  202. I’m still figuring out why Google asks why there are 2 “l’s” in google? wtf, am I spelling it wrong!

  203. I just found you today! While I’m squirming a bit in my chair over some of your conversations – I find you totally hillarious and voted for you on the blog thing! I’ll be around for some time to come….

  204. ha! You’re hilarious! I’m not sure if anyone else has pointed it out, but I think the Ostrich thing is referencing this: . It’s a classic!

  205. Obviously there are no cats in the Bible because they would have eaten all of Jesus’ fish. Then what would he have fed the poor unwashed masses with?? Idiots.
    .-= Erika from The Pastry Chef At Home´s last blog ..Pie (or Tart) Crust 4 Ways: A Tutorial =-.

  206. That is hilarious. I tried google searching ‘is’ and the top two suggestions are clarifications of gender for Lady GaGa…something I have never really contemplated, but now I am strangely curious.
    .-= fanning flashes´s last blog ..Let’s Talk Some Trash =-.

  207. The answer to all your questions about christmas; Awesome post, although I have to say I think “Why are there so many ostriches” is a reasonable question

  208. 210

    Y’know why we have schools? Because of the fucktard who thinks “Why are there school” is a proper sentence!

  209. 211

    Oh! I forgot to ask… No, wait. Wait. I see that three other people have mentioned it.

    (But in case you missed it: totally rocks.)

  210. This is so weird that you’ve posted this. Because just yesterday I was sitting, having coffee and pondering shit like ”Why is one toe bigger than the other?” and ”How much ear wax do I produce in a year?” and then it dawned on me. Holy shit, I do not know WHY there are so many freaking ostriches! Needless to say, I didn’t sleep. I didn’t have time to google that shit right then and there, I was drinking coffee. That was so much more important at the time.

    So know I know, Ostriches will fuck you up. Do NOT let them kick you, cos they will fuck you up. Damn. I can finally get some fucking sleep….

    Google, ffs seriously, fix yer shit. I agree with you on this one, it’s gettin’ pretty bad isn’t it…who the hell wonders this sort of crap anyway?!
    .-= mesina´s last blog ..Growing your own =-.

  211. Okay can I just point out that when you click on the link for the lovely Ostrich page the first picture that comes up of it is a bloody EMU…I would know they are native to my humble land (Australia).

    And yeah there is a difference between and Ostrich and an Emu…Emus are kick-ass, having the adorable accent and all.

  212. just try typing out “why” and see what you come up with. ummmm…why does my vag smell? why can’t i own a canadian?

    hmm. me thinks these two might be related.
    .-= Lisa Wicklund´s last blog ..It started out okay. =-.

  213. PS. I still don’t know why there are 12 days of Christmas. I don’t even care any more. I’m going to lie down and cry now. Someone fix Google.

    Someone did fix google and they call it BING. The above post is exactly why I don’t google I BING.

  214. Why are there no cats in the Bible? All The apostles were cats. That’s why Jesus loved them so much. Nobody likes that many people.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Home Alone: The Story Of Me. =-.

  215. Google is so weird but I must admit that’s pretty funny!
    .-= Jenna @ Newlyweds´s last blog ..Orange Cranberry Muffins (Sugar and Gluten free) =-.

  216. well, for goodness sake, don’t start off your google search with “Why do”. it’s just disturbing. don’t do it. i know you want to now, but i’m helping you. really.

  217. When I was in Houston driving to San Antonio I passed an ostrich farm and thought, “really texas, you farm fucking ostriches too?” and then I had an ostrich burger. It was delicious.
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..Sure. I can go 10 posts without 1 comment but ignore my blog a week and here comes the nasty messages… =-.

  218. I once googled “how do you…”…and up popped “how do you kill your baby”…that’s nice, google.

  219. This is absolutely hilarious and have found myself wondering the same thing a few times after googling. Especially when I google questions about feminine issues. WOW. Some women need help with their…china closets.
    .-= Adia Belle´s last blog ..Raving Lunacy =-.

  220. I am really wondering about the cats and bible thing now.
    .-= pixielation´s last blog ..Going cold turkey. Or cold firefox. =-.

  221. Why are Black people so loud? Why are people of other ethnicities so loud? I’ve heard groups of White, Asian, and Latinos being loud, especially when there are 3 or more people. Go to a restaurant or the lobby of a movie theatre, you’ll hear it, too. I think that the people who perceive Black people as being loud think this way because of prejudices that need to dealt with. MAYBE these people unknowingly want them to be gone or hidden like back in the day, so when Black have the “nerve” to make themselves known or noticed, it is unsettling and more noticeable. Open your eyes and ears to reality.

    Nevertheless, I thought this post was hilarious!!! Congrats on your nomination; I hope you win!

  222. That part about ostriches fucking you up is totally true. It’s so true I think I’ll blog about it. It’s kind of a long story and all.
    .-= DraftQueen´s last blog ..Cleaning Out My Closet =-.

  223. I’m pretty sure “there are school” because people do not know how to correctly speak English. Holy crap. Drives me nuts.

  224. I DEMAND a new post! otherwise I will come to your house and start chewing the bricks, like a squirel. I can do it too, I live in houston too, I’m like the perfect stalker.
    .-= madeleine´s last blog ..Sometimes, I’m beautiful. =-.

  225. My favorite thing about Google is when sometimes I type kinda fast and Google thinks it’s helping me by FINISHING MY OWN THOUGHT with the first (or third – wtf) auto-search-thing (because I guess it knows I’m in a hurry), so then when I hit ‘enter’ in all my typing frenzy, I really do end up searching for things like why turkeys are called turkeys. I think it’s some sort of internet conspiracy thing…like the creators of Google were all like, “Let’s see how many people we can get to search for this shit just by prompting them and maybe even sometimes forcing them to do it. That would be a worthwhile investment of our time, since we already invented everything else. Remember Google Chrome? You’re welcome.”

    Coincidentally, I did ask someone why the Kardashians were famous the other day. I don’t even know who they are. But I asked a real person, not Google. Google is a lying douche canoe. And their maps suck, too.
    .-= Amelia Witherspoon´s last blog ..Twilight: The Graphic Novel =-.

  226. I am astounded. I’ve seen google do some crazy things but that tops the charts. I can say I’ve heard the question “why are there so many ostriches?” prior to this day. Family Guy is to blame. “Why are there so many ostriches? The brochure said there would only be a few ostriches! There’s way too many ostriches!”

  227. Okay, I admit…I added to the trouble and began wondering why there were no cats in the bible and why barns are red…and there are 2, 500,000 explanations for red barns (which have to do with pigments and fashion and things) and 604, 000 answers in regards to cats and religion–they purport to have their own bible (hav u redz it lolcat??). Fuck me. Unbelievable.

  228. You rule.

  229. Why aren’t there any cat’s in the Bible? This is so wrong. I no longer love Jesus.
    .-= Nathan´s last blog ..Tune Up =-.

  230. what the hell are ladybugs?? ladies who are also bugs or bugs who are also ladies? and since when did we begin gender(ising) our bugs…. check the damn program, already! you cant have bugs in your program, is the RULE!

    oh wait… was google talkin about biology here or zoology or whatever stream of science that covers Species… i hated Species by the way, blue women…. nahhhh!

    jus that, i thunk since google is in computers n stuff… ! ah well, its jus me…

    oh by the way, HAIL BLOGGESS! (since you are the queen… arent you??)
    .-= neers´s last blog ..sum of now and then some…. =-.

  231. i am laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing. a lot. so much! ostriches! but what about “why are there school.” i mean.. that’s not even a question.. that must be a result of foreigners.
    .-= brittany´s last blog ..scary ice weather? really? =-.

  232. You made my day….again. xxoo

  233. Google recapitulates ontology.

    Everyone knows this.

    All right, . . .maybe they don’t . . . . . . . . . .

  234. HIlarious! I am laughing my *ss off right now….*why are there so many ostriches*??? hahahah I want to click on it!

  235. I have read this post at least a dozen times today, and I can’t get to the end of it without laughing so hard I cry. My kids keep asking what’s so funny and it’s getting embarrassing. I am so glad I finally know about your site!
    .-= Korinthia Klein´s last blog ..Today I bought… =-.

  236. I absolutely love reading your posts! You may be one of the funniest bloggers ever.
    .-= Larissa´s last blog ..The Tyrant and The String =-.

  237. Most powerful person in universe= person who gets to make up list of what Google says.
    Gods of Google. (genuflect)
    I want that job!!
    .-= marymac´s last blog ..WTF Happened to PJ&C?!?! =-.

  238. This is hysterical – I love the two l’s in google when they’ve spelled google correctly. It’s so hilarious, it’s almost zen.
    .-= Zoey @ Good Goog´s last blog ..Best Looking Mortgage Statement in the World =-.

  239. As many of your other readers did, I am sure, I attempted to use Google after reading this post. I put in “I like” and was greeted with “I like to fork myself.” What does that even mean?

    I am scared.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..Sure I will Do Your Math for You, You Are Only the Cashier =-.

  240. I wish I had some mad drawing skillz, I would love to take that “Leon the block cheddar” thing and make a comic out of it. But I don’t, so I can’t, so instead I’ll just sit here and laugh at the pictures in my head.

    Not that I don’t do that already. It keeps my colleagues on their toes. Tiptoes. Past my cubicle.
    .-= Vee´s last blog ..Pinball Wizard sea chanty? =-.

  241. Just to let everyone know, the “Why are there so many ostriches?” question comes from a Family Guy gag where Don Knotts stars in a movie called “Too Many Ostriches”.

  242. […] trust me, I am NOT the only one who feels this way. Do you want to know how I know this is a fact? Because one of my favorite bloggers found that when she typed the words “why are” into a Google … No. Joke. Go read it for […]

  243. ok – now you started it. I am now spending the afternoon googling partial words to see what comes out. YAY!
    so if you just type why… it says Why can’t I own a Canadian? good question – do you think they clean the house?

  244. […] if you don’t have a blog, you can still play a voyeuristic google games. The Bloggess tipped me off to one: type in the beginnings of a search into google, then see what the […]

  245. […] And it wasn’t really embarrassing because I never should have even been in the category of “Best Writing” since I can’t even use apostrophes correctly and also because all week I was flooded with very nice emails (honestly, don’t stop) telling me that my latest post had a typo IN THE FUCKING TITLE.  And even then I was all “No way.  That’s totally how you spell “razerblades” and so I googled it and it was all “did you mean ‘razor blades’ (asshole)?” but I consoled myself with the knowledge that several entries popped up with the wrong spelling too so it was probably a commonly misspelled word but then I looked at the very first entry of people-who-can’t-spell-razor-blades-correctly and it was fucking mine.  Then I quickly fixed it but it didn’t matter because Google was all “No way.  That shit’s never washing off” and for days it was the first thing that showed up when you googled “razerblades” because Google is unforgiving and apparently isn’t over the shit I pulled last month. […]

  246. Everyone knows why you can’t own a Canadian. It’s because there aren’t enough to go around. There’s roughly one Canadian for each illegal alien in the USA. If we could own Canadians, the illegal aliens would steal all of our Canadians, leaving no Canadians for the Americans. So, basically, we can’t own Canadians and it is Mexico’s fault.

  247. but… why ARE there school?

  248. It used to be called Google Suggest and was based on web results they had, and then it just got integrated into regular old Google. Now it’s a mix of things: “suggestions are drawn from searches you’ve done, searches done by users all over the world, sites in our search index, and ads in our advertising network.”

    So it just may be showing you “why are black people so loud” because it’s… gotten to know you. Of course, they “try to filter out suggestions that include pornographic terms, dirty words, and hate and violence terms,” but you may be just be THAT dirty and hateful. Who knows?

    If you really want to see the crazy shit that other people are definitely looking for, check out or @searchoftheday.

    (the link to Google’s page about this is
    .-= I Know What You Search For´s last blog .. =-.

  249. 252


    dear google please help me i need to get off the internet

    return this;

  250. “Why are there school”

    Because you can’t use proper grammar, you imbecile. That’s why there “are” school.

  251. Okay, so I know this post is like a year old, but I’m new to the scene, and I’m reading my way backwards (It’s the way I like to do everything…except eat. Gross!) and I just got here. Several of the google searches that it guessed you were making were either pop culture references or song lyrics. So I’ve decided that all of them are song lyrics. I don’t know all of the songs yet, but somewhere, someone is singing about “Why there are school?” and the music video that accompanies it probably is a crappy flash animation with photo cutouts collaged together.

    P.S. I’ve decided we need to be together. I know this is sudden and terribly creepy, but I’ve thought about it for a week and it is pretty much so.

    Carlette recently posted Spidery Gal.

  252. 255
    Lady Penelope

    Ah, the girl in the elevator who ‘been done did that’ strikes again.

    In the words of Charlie Brown; Good Grief!

  253. Chicago pizza is usually meaty (some variants come stuffed with cheeses and meat layers) and it is eaten with a knife
    and fork. After you’ve got the crust rolled out, transfer it to your pan or pizza stone. I tried dozens of different recipes for pizza crust, and none of them were satisfactory.

    pizza pan avon ohio recently posted pizza pan avon ohio.

  254. Hey there, You have done a fantastic job. I will certainly digg
    it and personally suggest to my friends. I am sure they’ll be
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  255. The ostrich stood on the cats head and the mouse escaped!

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