Category Archives: mama drama excerpts

Judgemental cat is unpleased

So the term “mommyblogger” is pretty much the new “bitches”.  It was out of style for a bit but now it’s returning with a vengeance. (We’re taking it back, motherf’ers!)  I wrote about it on my other blog and got this response from a friend of mine:

Friend:  Hey, I read your post about mommybloggers.  You spelled ‘beaver’ wrong.

Me:  What are you talking about?  Where do you see “beaver”?

Friend:  You wrote it on your face.  Beever.

Me:  That says “BELIEVER“.  

Friend:  Oh.

Me:  Can I ask why you thought I would write “Beaver” across my face?  And more importantly, why the only thing weird thing to you was that I misspelled it?

Friend:  It did seem a little weird.

Me:  What the hell is wrong with you?

Friend:   I just thought you’d like to know.

Me:  Yes, actually, I would like to know if you see me posting pictures with “Beaver” written across my face because that would mean I should be committed.

Friend:  Well I’ll keep an eye out then. 

FYI:

maskofmine.jpg

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Kawa-effing-sakied. 

I’m there.  Way below Dane Cook and The Onion but slightly above Mattress Police and Crummy Church Signs.  

Awesomeness.

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Special shout out to my friend PreppyGirl who pointed out that the rather judgemental ad next to the post about my kitty being put to death is unintentionally hysterical in a truly horrific kind of way:

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Have you noticed that lately I’ve been blogging a lot about blogging?  Next stop…me live-blogging my blogging about blogging and recording it all to upload on youtube.  It’s like looking into a mirror with another mirror behind you (i.e. boring and headache-inducing).  Then the world implodes from all the narcissism. 

Best comment of the day:  “You spelled Brokaw wrong.”  ~Sjinky

Scaring off celebrities

Evil Dwight, the pseudo-editor of my other blog, just let us know that Mama Drama was being touted in the “Moms” section of Alltop.com, a website aggregating “all the top sites on the web”.  

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The Alltop site is the brainchild of Guy Kawasaki who is totally famous for stuff.  I don’t know the details but trust me.  Totally famous.  So I decided to send him an email (subject line: yeehaw):

Jenny@thebloggess.com wrote:

Just wanted to say thank you for including “Mama Drama” on Alltop.  You made our day!

My personal blog, The Bloggess, is not popular enough for the “Ego” section and not momish enough for the “Moms” section.  Have you considered a section for “blogs that inexplicably get lots of hits even though they’re all about offending your ritzy neighbors by taking risque crotch shots in your front lawn and tattooing your half-paralyzed-man-boob cat”?  Because I’m pretty sure I would totally kick ass in that section.

Love and googly eyes,

Jenny

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Guy Kawasaki wrote:

Jenny, 

 How many hits do you get?

Thanks! 

Guy

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Jenny@thebloggess.com wrote:

According to Google Analytics I get between 25,000 – 35,000 pageviews a
month which is embarassingly small in comparison to big bloggers like you
guys but considering that I only blog about stuff like the time that Magnum PI heard
me vomit, or the joys of artificial cow insemination, or why Amy Sedaris
is legitimately frightened of me it’s really quite astounding. To me.  Nobody else really cares.

PS.  I totally love you.  You’re the guy who invented the motorcycle, right?

~Jenny

Then he stopped responding to me and I can only assume is now desperately deleting Mama Drama from his list. 

Still, the fame was nice while it lasted.

An explanation and some jewelry

Recently I’ve had some surprisingly annoyed people ask me why I post on two blogs.  Here’s why:

Years ago some chick wrote for Mama Drama on the Houston Chronicle.  She quit because she “couldn’t blog and still be a good mother” so I wrote to Evil Dwight, the editor, and said “I’ll blog!  I’m already a terrible mother!” and was one of five women selected to co-author it.  I’m not paid for Mama Drama although I’m told that one day I may be.  I was also told that if I was pure of heart one day I’d see a unicorn.  I’m still holding out hope for one of these.

Then I started writing but I habitually got in trouble for using words that were “inappropriate”.  Typical conversation between me and Evil Dwight:

E.D. – Your post today was very clever but you can’t use the word “screw” here even though you are tremendously hot and easily the funniest person I’ve ever met.  Why don’t I have you on my blogroll yet?!  Anyway, write “screw” again and I will delete your post. 

Me (whining) – But Dwight, I can’t write without “screw”! 

E.D. – Oh, and “f**k” is not cool either.  You’re not fooling anyone by just dropping two letters.  You might as well just use the whole word.

Me – Fine, then I’ll use the whole word.  Hey, did you see the video I just put up of me and Lotta playing with a vibrator?

E.D. – I’m going to firebomb your house.

Even the MomHouston site that promotes Mama Drama hates me.  I swear to God this is an actual screenshot from the last submission I wrote for them:

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MomHouston called me an ass.  Awesome.

So then I decided to start a personal blog so I could freely write the f-word and thus, The Bloggess was born.  I link a lot to stuff I write over there and vice versa and some people really hate that.  And for those people I suggest lexapro.  Some people like The Bloggess and hate Mama Drama.  Some people like Mama Drama and hate The Bloggess.  Some people like to carry baby spider-monkeys around in their pockets and those people should be stopped.   

To the critics who say that I’m just pimping Mama Drama over here so I can get paid more, you are just not even paying attention.  Start reading again from the beginning.   To the critics who say that I use Mama Drama’s popularity to pimp The Bloggess, you’re kind of right except that technically The Bloggess has a higher technorati ranking than Mama Drama so really I’m just pimping my writing at both blogs on both blogs.  Mutual pimpage.

Anyway, I realize that it makes it confusing to everyone to have to jump from place to place and that’s why I want to make it up to you with a little make-up sex.  Except I have a headache, so how about some jewelry instead?* 

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Oh come on baby, don’t be that way.  See.  It’s all pretty and shiny just like you.  Who’s my special girl/guy?  That’s right.  You are.  Just leave me comment and I’ll pick a winner at random this week.

*Awesome handmade jewelry courtesy of The Automat.  You should go buy some.   But comment first.

Totally inappropriate Halloween costume

You guys want to see my somewhat disturbing but censored home-made Halloween costume?  Click here.

Update:  Okay, I’ve gotten a lot of bizarre giant squid emails over the years from you guys but this is not even close to being funny.  You people are dead to me.

*Comments turned off because it’s too confusing to have them on at both blogs.*

Trash the dress

Things I learned this weekend at a Trash the Dress photoshoot:

If you don’t own a strapless bra you can put bandaids on your boobs to give yourself a little more lift however it will actually cause your nipple to sort of implode, making it look like it’s eating itself.  The extra perkiness is nice but I’m not sure it’s worth the unsettling knowledge that deep inside my dress my boob looked like it was being sucked into a black hole.

Pictures (not of the nipples, you’re welcome) on Mama Drama.

Update:  Tater Tots for the Masses has illustrated a male version of the “lift scenario”.

(extreme) adventures in babysitting

Over at my other blog, “Why I will never babysit for any of you” .  

(Alternate title, “Why I love 911”.)