Years ago some chick wrote for Mama Drama on the Houston Chronicle. She quit because she “couldn’t blog and still be a good mother” so I wrote to Evil Dwight, the editor, and said “I’ll blog! I’m already a terrible mother!” and was one of five women selected to co-author it. I’m not paid for Mama Drama although I’m told that one day I may be. I was also told that if I was pure of heart one day I’d see a unicorn. I’m still holding out hope for one of these.
Then I started writing but I habitually got in trouble for using words that were “inappropriate”. Typical conversation between me and Evil Dwight:
E.D. – Your post today was very clever but you can’t use the word “screw” here even though you are tremendously hot and easily the funniest person I’ve ever met. Why don’t I have you on my blogroll yet?! Anyway, write “screw” again and I will delete your post.
Me (whining) – But Dwight, I can’t write without “screw”!
E.D. – Oh, and “f**k” is not cool either. You’re not fooling anyone by just dropping two letters. You might as well just use the whole word.
Me – Fine, then I’ll use the whole word. Hey, did you see the video I just put up of me and Lotta playing with a vibrator?
E.D. – I’m going to firebomb your house.
Even the MomHouston site that promotes Mama Drama hates me. I swear to God this is an actual screenshot from the last submission I wrote for them:
MomHouston called me an ass. Awesome.
So then I decided to start a personal blog so I could freely write the f-word and thus, The Bloggess was born. I link a lot to stuff I write over there and vice versa and some people really hate that. And for those people I suggest lexapro. Some people like The Bloggess and hate Mama Drama. Some people like Mama Drama and hate The Bloggess. Some people like to carry baby spider-monkeys around in their pockets and those people should be stopped.
To the critics who say that I’m just pimping Mama Drama over here so I can get paid more, you are just not even paying attention. Start reading again from the beginning. To the critics who say that I use Mama Drama’s popularity to pimp The Bloggess, you’re kind of right except that technically The Bloggess has a higher technorati ranking than Mama Drama so really I’m just pimping my writing at both blogs on both blogs. Mutual pimpage.
Anyway, I realize that it makes it confusing to everyone to have to jump from place to place and that’s why I want to make it up to you with a little make-up sex. Except I have a headache, so how about some jewelry instead?*
Oh come on baby, don’t be that way. See. It’s all pretty and shiny just like you. Who’s my special girl/guy? That’s right. You are. Just leave me comment and I’ll pick a winner at random this week.
*Awesome handmade jewelry courtesy of The Automat. You should go buy some. But comment first.