no one thinks this is funny but me – Page 26

I didn’t bury the body for Earth Day though. That was just a strange coincidence.

My sister (Lisa) called me to ask what I was doing for Earth Day and I was all “Um…I just buried a Saint in the front yard?” and she was like “…Huh.” Because there’s really no other way to respond to something like that and then I started to tell her that I had toContinue reading “I didn’t bury the body for Earth Day though. That was just a strange coincidence.”

I have a weird sort of life

I just got an email inviting me to the inauguration of the Mayor of Malibu, who also happens to be Clint Eastwood’s stunt man and body double. You remember him. I met him that time I landed on that aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific ocean and accused everyone of being cylons andContinue reading “I have a weird sort of life”

I honestly still don’t know what the answer is. UPDATED: Wait. Yes, I do. But I think I was happier when I didn’t.

Conversation with Victor at iHop: me: Ugh. I hate it when they don’t give you enough spaces to write the answers. Victor: What? Why the hell are you doing the puzzle on the kid’s menu? me: Because you’re too busy playing with your phone to talk to me and also because puzzles help stave offContinue reading “I honestly still don’t know what the answer is. UPDATED: Wait. Yes, I do. But I think I was happier when I didn’t.”

Animals want to murder you. I have a solution. Also, I might need to up my anxiety meds.

Most people know about my horrible giant squid phobia so my inbox is always littered with terrible squid news that makes me want to poison the sea even more than I already do, but today I got an email from my friend Desiree who thought I should know about this new jellyfish and I wasContinue reading “Animals want to murder you. I have a solution. Also, I might need to up my anxiety meds.”

I’m on a lot of painkillers, part 2

Okay. So turns out that my finger is broken, but only in the way that the rest of me is broken, i.e., no bones are shattered but it’s still technically fucked up and useless. Thus, I’ve had to type everything this week using one hand and I deserve a medal for this. But I haveContinue reading “I’m on a lot of painkillers, part 2”

I’m on a lot of painkillers

So last weekend Victor’s company had a family retreat on a cruise-ship, which would have been nice if I wasn’t terrified of water, giant squid, flying and fucking everything else involved in this trip. Still, you can’t say no to a free family vacation (because Victor wouldn’t let me) so we packed up and headedContinue reading “I’m on a lot of painkillers”