no one thinks this is funny but me – Page 3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HERE IS YOUR PRESENT. THE CAT IS ON THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON AND WON’T MOVE. I’M NOT YELLING AT YOU.

IT IS MY MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY AND I HAVE A SNIFFLY-ASS NOSE. It should be against the law to not be able to breathe properly on your birthday, but such is the curse of the Capricorn…always having to share a birthday month with Jesus, and usually taking too many antibiotics to have another margarita. But, itContinue reading “HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HERE IS YOUR PRESENT. THE CAT IS ON THE CAPS LOCK BUTTON AND WON’T MOVE. I’M NOT YELLING AT YOU.”

Nancy Pelosi is extremely disappointed in me for destroying the Democratic Party. In my defense, I can’t even load the dishwasher properly so maybe it was a mistake to give me that much responsibility.

Yesterday my friend Laura and I decided we needed a break so we went camping (fine, glamping) and it was very relaxing until we checked our phones in front of the camp fire and realized that we’d gotten tons of frantic, distraught emails from the DCCC (Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee) who was using some fairly odd tactics to getContinue reading “Nancy Pelosi is extremely disappointed in me for destroying the Democratic Party. In my defense, I can’t even load the dishwasher properly so maybe it was a mistake to give me that much responsibility.”

I think we all knew the world would end like this anyway.

Original image UPDATED: I posted this and then Facebook immediately crashed. The implosion has begun, people.

I blame Steve Jobs for this.

A series of texts I sent to my friend Maile after the rotten wood on our deck was replaced: PS. After you fuck up two texts your phone should just automatically shut off to save you from yourself. Just a suggestion, Apple. ******************* And in less slightly-confusing news, it’s time for this week’s wrap-up: WhatContinue reading “I blame Steve Jobs for this.”

It’s probably not racist. Or possibly it’s racist to assume it might be racist. I’m sort of fucked either way.

Last week I wrote that I had something to share that I thought was funny, but that I wasn’t certain if I could write about it because I wasn’t sure if it was racist or not, and so I asked a black friend and she said it was fine, but then I thought I neededContinue reading “It’s probably not racist. Or possibly it’s racist to assume it might be racist. I’m sort of fucked either way.”

Hold me closer, Tony Danza

This weekend I spoke at the Texas Book Festival and it was very weird, but awesome. Also, Tony Danza opened for me. Or possibly Tony Danza headlined and I just randomly followed him. Either way, it makes for a good conversation starter. Also, when Tony Danza was walking backstage I gave him one of those knowingContinue reading “Hold me closer, Tony Danza”