no one thinks this is funny but me – Page 4

Just to answer your question in advance, I have a lot of small wigs because I thought they’d fit the dead weasels but then it turned out they were slightly too large and I hate returning things.

Victor: Why did you put a wig on the cat? me: Better question: Why do you always assume it’s me? I’m not the only one who lives here, you know. Victor: Hailey? Hailey: Yeah? Victor: Did you put a wig on the cat? Hailey: Why would I put a wig on a cat? me: ThisContinue reading “Just to answer your question in advance, I have a lot of small wigs because I thought they’d fit the dead weasels but then it turned out they were slightly too large and I hate returning things.”

UPDATED: The man deserves a damn medal

UPDATED: SEE BELOW… Today is mine and Victor’s 16th anniversary, which is sort of insane. You might remember last year, when I declared 15 year anniversaries should be marked with unexpected giant metal chickens at the door. This year I had to outdo Beyonce (the giant metal chicken, not the singer. I try not toContinue reading “UPDATED: The man deserves a damn medal”

PETA is Fine, But Sometimes I Question Their Priorities

Below is an actual email conversation between me and PETA. (FYI: This happened over a year ago and I was going to put it in my book as an addendum to my pets-eaten-by-hobos chapter but it was too long, so if you bought my book just consider this a bonus chapter. Also, if you haven’tContinue reading “PETA is Fine, But Sometimes I Question Their Priorities”

And then I used the phrase “Lady Garden” on CNN.

I was on CNN today for some reason to talk about politics and parenting (which is sort of weird since I’m more of a bizarre humorist at best) but I still managed to mention the zombie apocalypse, the possible robot revolution, and the threat of the internet becoming self-aware. Here’s the clip: [protected-iframe id=”1182742478d80f5ded39e5e8dde76531-58006636-3982706″ info=”http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6″Continue reading “And then I used the phrase “Lady Garden” on CNN.”

UPDATED: Victor doesn’t understand me or the allure of dead rodents.

Conversation between me and Victor: me: Hey, just FYI? I just bought myself a celebration mouse instead of steak. Victor: I already regret asking for clarification. me: Well, I got a good review in Oprah’s magazine so I thought I deserved a steak dinner to celebrate, but I don’t really like steak so instead IContinue reading “UPDATED: Victor doesn’t understand me or the allure of dead rodents.”

Normal squirrels don’t sit like that. Just saying.

My friend April from Regretsy practically threatened to stab me in the face when she thought I’d outbid her on this insane taxidermied squirrel who is flashing his little squirrel nut-sack at the world. (Click the link. You need to see this shit.) I assured April that she was very off-base, as we were BOTHContinue reading “Normal squirrels don’t sit like that. Just saying.”