Category Archives: phoning it in

UPDATED: Weekly wrap up in the middle of the week

It’s not the end of the week but it feels like it is because Christmas fucks up my biorhythms and so every day feels like a Friday with no weekend in sight.  That’s why today I’m going to do a Sunday wrap-up for no reason whatsoever.

First, a few updates…Remember a few weeks ago when we all got together and tried to save Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and by donating 750 night-night bags for homeless children?

Well guess what?  WE FAILED.

But just barely.

But that means there are only 27 more packages to go.  And this is when I would say “Let’s have a bake-sale and raise that money, y’all!” but I’m too tired to make rice krispie treats so instead I just paid for the last 27 myself.  Done.  High-five, you guys.  Best motherfucking holiday drive ever.  (PS.  I paid for those last 27 out of the proceeds of my online shop (which is funded by you) so technically you paid for them.  Because you’re awesome.)

UPDATED:  

I just got an email from the founder of the Night Night Foundation and I wanted to share it with you guys:

“I’m not sure that I can really convey how much help you have given us this holiday.  Truly.  We had always heard about ‘the power of social networking’ but it never seemed to really work in the nonprofit sphere — until you stepped in of course.  You and your readers are really the most generous folks.  We have been so impressed by the swift action and by the kind words that we keep hearing from them.  Everyone is so sweet to let us know that they read about it on your blog.  We are beyond grateful.  I wish you could know how thankful we are this holiday season.”

They aren’t the only ones who are thankful.  I’m so lucky to be a part of something magical each year and none of this would happen without you.  Thank you for letting me be part of this.  Seriously.  Thank you. 

**********

In non-related news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by me.  Mostly because this isn’t a real weekly wrap-up.  But a lot of people told me that they’d bought my book as a present for friends and family and then realized that it doesn’t actually come out until April, so then they asked if I could send them something personal that they could print out to wrap up.  I said I would and then promptly forgot about it.  So I’m doing it here.  If you bought one of my books for someone else just print this out and put it in an envelope.  Also it makes the perfect gift for people to buy when they’re too lazy to go to the mall.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

 

And now for something completely ridiculous

I actually do have a real weekly-wrap up coming, but until then, this:

via

I kind of want to make this into a t-shirt

I don’t get many negative comments, but the ones that I do get are so hysterical that I always suspect that people are leaving them on purpose just to cheer me up.

For example, I just got a comment a few minutes ago saying that I deserve to be angrily divorced for buying a giant metal chicken (which is not an entirely invalid argument), but the guy ended his rant with…

“when your wrong, your wrong.”

 

I can’t even stop giggling, you guys.

Updated:  As requested, t-shirts.

Alaska. It’s part of America. The end.

I’m going through my journals from Alaska, and almost all of my notes are about playing bingo and how cold ice is.  I am the worst travel reporter ever.  But until I get my shit together, here’s Alaska:
IMG_8763

Almost all of my other pictures were of various cheesecakes on the ship buffet.  But in my defense, I really like cheesecake.  More later.  It’ll probably be about bingo.  I apologize in advance for sucking at this.

Updated: Also, I uploaded a video that I shot as we were nearing iceberg country.  It’s a video of the tv playing in our room.  No shit.  But there actually was a good reason:

Nice one, cruise-line.

I like how the only thing they actually question here is that I probably wanted to “infect” the cobras before mailing them to people.

Actual screenshot:

Google:  Helpful and non-judgemental.

I apologize in advance for disappointing you

Um…hi.

So apparently my blog went viral and/or bacterial with my last post.  This seems like the kind of thing people dream about, but since I don’t get paid by traffic it really just meant that my servers crashed and a lot of angry people yelled at me that I should kill myself in really creative (and violently misspelled) ways.   Which actually?  Was kind of hysterical, and Victor and I cannot stop quoting you.  Well done, you.

For those of you who are new here and who actually want to stick around, welcome.  And also I’m sorry.  Normally this would be a moderately clever paragraph about wolverines or giant squid, but I’m in Puerto Rico this week and I’m just too sleepy to be witty.  Luckily, I’ve made a t-shirt for you. (Also available in infant sizes.)

****

And now, this week’s Shit-I-did-when-I-wasn’t-here:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

  • Nothing.  I’m on vacation.

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed in my shop, tentatively “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • A Beyonce Chicken card. The inside of the card says “Knock-knock, motherfuckers” so it’s pretty much perfect for all occassions.  I suggest keeping several handy for condolence cards.

What  you missed on the internets:

  • I have no idea.  I heard my blog was on the front page of Fark.  I’ve been vaguely unplugged so I’m sure I’m missing something.

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

  • REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF. Sadly, I can’t link to any of it because I keep losing my internet connection.  Also, I’m sitting in the business center of the hotel while everyone else is out on the beach and it’s making me sad.  Seriously.  Even the guy who runs the business center is out there. I promise to make up for all of this when I get home.  Tales of cock-fighting, planes falling from the sky, and intentionally drinking bacteria will abound.  Unless I get distracted…ooh look, carpet!

This week’s round-up sponsored by the dangerously awesome people at Credit Karma, who want to help you save your money. They’ve been featured everyplace from CNN to the New York Times but they’re open-minded enough to realize that being featured on irreverent blogs like this one can be just as valid. This either means they are brilliant or completely daft. Either way, you should check them out.