I think I need some vampire blood for my cat.

Conversation I had with Victor about our ancient cat, who I’ve had for almost my entire adult life, and who I suspect might be immortal:

me:  There’s something on Posey’s leg.

Victor:  Hmm.  Is it Posey’s foot?

me:  It’s not a trick question.  It sort of looks like he’s trying to grow an extra toe.

Victor:  Why would the cat try to grow an extra toe?

me:  Well, probably because he just now noticed that the kitten was born with all those extra toes, and now he thinks he needs to keep up.

Victor:  That’s not a toe.

me:  I’m pretty sure it is.  And now he’s wasting all of his old man energy trying to grow extra toes BECAUSE FERRIS MEWLER IS A DAMN OVERACHIEVER.

Victor:  You know it’s a tumor.  The vet said we should start expecting this.  Posey’s 16.  He’s like the Keith Richards of cats.

me:  In that he’s a bad-ass.

Victor: In that he’s almost entirely sinew, and no one knows how he’s still alive.  In fact, I think he may already be dead.

me:  Keith Richards died?

Victor:  No.  Posey.  He’s not moving and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

me:  Yeah, he sleeps with his eyes open now.  It’s kind of creepy, but I think he does it to conserve the energy it takes to blink.

Victor:  I love you, but you and I both know he’s sleeping with his eyes open because he’s looking for the grim reaper.

me:  Posey will outlive us all.

Posey:  MMMMRREOWWWWCHHSNURF.

me:  See.  EXACTLY.

Victor:  What, “exactly”?  He can’t even meow properly anymore.

me:  He says he’s sick and tired of your doubt.

Victor:  No, he says he’s just about ready to take a one-way ride to the vets office.

me:  You don’t know what cats say.

Victor:  NEITHER DO YOU.

Then Posey jumped into Victor’s lap and purred so loudly that bits of cat juice flew out of his nose, and Victor rolled his eyes and sighed, grudgingly petting Posey.

Victor:  Alright, old man.  Prove me wrong.

Posey:  MERRRRRCH.

Victor:  What did he say that time?

me:  I think he wants to sell merchandise.  I don’t know.  It’s hard to tell with cats.

PS.  Posey is fine.  He’s not in any pain, and his tumor is adorable.  In fact, I’m tempted to draw a smiley face on it and give it a name and a tv show.  I suspect he’s probably sprouting a younger clone from his leg.  I might be in denial.

PPS.  I can’t tell if this post is funny or just really, really depressing.  Let’s change the subject.

It’s Sunday!  Which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on my sex column (which is satirical and vaguely safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe):

What you missed on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Oh Crap Potty Training, a business devoted to getting your kid potty trained in a single week. I’m not sure how that’s possible, but my guess is that witch doctors are involved.   I couldn’t even potty train my cats in one week.  You should probably check it out.

 

 

197 thoughts on “I think I need some vampire blood for my cat.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. My vet recently told me that the average age for cats these days is 22. TWENTY FUCKING TWO. At this rate, Ferris Mewler is not only going to outlive you all, but he might actually be sucking your blood in the night already. Set up cameras.

  2. We had a really old cat that stopped being able to meow properly, like half-meowing, half-coughing. We had to give him away when we moved and he ran off from his new home and was never heard from again. I believe he’s still out there somewhere. Old cats never die, they just wander off.

  3. you should have insomnia all the time ‘I don’t know if this post id funny…’ my side is aching with laughter.

    How about you and Victor installing cameras in the house and car, these conversations would be the greatest reality TV EVER and as I don’t watch reality TV I would be a convert.

    BTW have you read My Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree post received in a txt but worth a post http://tomstronach.blogspot.com/2011/09/sweets-are-better-than-chocolate.html

  4. It’s 6:30 in the morning and I’m watching slugs fuck. I cannot tell you how much you’ve brought into my world Jen.

  5. I know of a cat that lived for over 19 years. She started out on the streets of a Colorado town and spent her final years in a luxury Detroit high-rise.
    PS – I’m up and about because my cat sat on my chest and sniffed my face until I woke up and fed her. She’s got me trained.

  6. Did you get water on him after midnight? Can I have a mogwai?

    I’m sure this is an elaborate ruse to get you to stop keeping an eye on him. DO NOT let him get the upper hand. A. it goes right to their heads and B. they’ll probably find your Posey living in your chest cavity a few weeks from now, happy as a mogwai.

  7. Every time I read one of your marital conversations, I believe more and more that we must be somehow related. I don’t know which one of us should be more nervous. Probably you 😛

  8. PPS. I can’t tell if this post is funny or just really, really depressing.
    It’s funny AND depressing! It’s TWO, TWO, TWO Posts In One!

    We went through the same thing with our dog, Laddie. Everyone who saw him said the same thing: “Oh, dear God! It’s a Zombie Dog”, and we just replied, “He’s not Undead, he’s just old. Look, he STILL likes to eat Milkbones!”

  9. At least Posey isn’t drooling all the time or in need of diapers. Do they make those for cats?

    My dad had a cat with really bad arthritis. I spent a night at his house and the cat crawled up in bed with me. I woke up in the middle of the night and the cat wasn’t moving. Thought I killed it because when I went to lift it up, it’s legs were sticking straight up. Turns out it was alive and lasted another 3 years before we were certain it was dead.

  10. PLEASE DON’T DIE POSEY. Posey will live forever like Keith Richards and Bruce Forsyth.

    And Highlander?! Who wants….to miaow….FOREVERRRRRRRR!! *and now you’re singin it* m/

  11. It always amazes me how the animals that you never to expect to live for a long time do. My parents had this dog when I wad born that hated everyone that wasn’t them. Thing pooped on me once. Lived to be really old and then I convinced my parents to get a puppy. Yeah, she hated that dog and finally decided death was a better option.

  12. I would totally watch that TV show! The tumor could be like a Motivational Speaker/Life-Coach, and you could call it, “Tumor-row Never Comes Because Toe-Day Is Always Here!”

    *crickets chirping*

    Er, please disregard this comment. I think my insomnia has finally reached my cerebral cortex.

  13. your cat might just be helped out by the fact that she IS one of my Minions. being in league with Satan can have that affect. i provide immortality benefits!

  14. It’s OUR age. All the nuclear family pets are karking it. Buddy the Moosedawg is 13 and has a chest tumor the size of our Crack Puppy. He’s ditzy and goes on stand-by a lot. And I thought he was on his last dance a few months ago (when he was actually dancing with the wild Tui bird the GM Finance raised after it was chucked out of the nest). Now the Moosedawg is all piss and vinegar. At least as pissy and vinegary as you can be at, what, 91? Hang in there, Posey.

  15. My Siamese cat Ming made it to 17 and towards the end he would walk I’m the room, meow loudly at me, then turn and leave. I called it kitty Alzheimer’s. He also had what we loving refered to as death-breath. Good God it smelled awful. Like the marshes down by the shore. On a hot day. In July. *shudder*. No cute tumors though.

  16. First, how in the hell did I miss your hipster penis post? Holy shit that was awesome! Second, this is not depressing because the cat is clearly immortal. “MERRRRRCH” is cat for “keep petting me, nonbeliever; I steal a bit of your soul with each stroke.”

  17. Circumcision is one of those things where if you have an opinion on it, people who are of the opposite opinion get really, really mad at you. BUT if you have no opinion (or bluntly refuse to voice one) then people of both opinions get really really mad at you. There’s no winning. It therefore sounds like precisely the right topic for you to write about. A lot of people are going to get mad anyway, so you don’t have to worry about whether you’re inadvertently offending someone. The answer’s guaranteed to be yes!

  18. Thanks for explaining what those “tumors” really are. My cat has one over her eyebrow that is growing. The vet wanted me to give her benadryl to make it smaller, but Annie was having none of that. We tried all forms of bendadryl, including a specially compounded liquid from a pharmacy in Arizona – tastes like chicken! Not. The best was when I hid the benadryl inside a ball of cream cheese, which she loves. She came right to me, opened her mouth and let all the now-pink cream cheese spew out on the floor at my feet. That’s when I gave up on benadryl. She may die sooner but at least she’s happy.

  19. I once had a cat that lived to be 24. And when I was 7 we adopted a stray cat that the vet refused to fix because she was “too old to survive surgery” – I’m now 22 and the little motherfucker is still alive.

  20. 16 isn’t that old for a cat. I’m sure he’ll live forever.
    But it is hard when our pets start to show serious signs of aging. I don’t like it at all.

    We had an old golden retriever with bad hips. Then he had a stroke on the right side and was limping from that. We were worried about him so we took him to the vet. The vet pointed out Tyler’s bad hips and his bad right front leg. Then he said to us, “Look, he’s already got three legs in the grave, let’s just push the fourth one in.”

  21. My kitties are 17.5 and still going (somewhat. sometimes.) strong. They sleep more and one of them is pretty thin, but there’s still a lot of life in them. I hope.

  22. You’re going to have to keep track of all those toes to make sure Posey hasn’t been cat-napped and replaced with an extra-corporal ghost cat hellbent on sucking your soul out of your mouth while you sleep. This is why I don’t have a cat.

  23. Okay, have you actually had him checked for vampires blood? Because there are symptoms all over the place and he somehow strikes me as a cat who would like to chew on skin and suck blood…

  24. My friend’s cat lived to be 28. And I once worked in a polling station where the resident cat was 22 and still going strong (except for losing one eye in a fight with a dog that year) so there’s hope. And a lot of vet bills to come.

  25. This reminds me of my Sister’s dog. Half blind, can barely walk and it severed the tip of it’s tongue the other day. Note to self: no pets!

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

  26. Wow, Jenny, that post over on Cafemom really was a troll-magnet. My theory: you are being blog-stalked by a horde of anti-Semitic, pro-Nazi trolls. Who like to check out baby penises. (BTW, love your advice – even if it was surrounded by a sea of satire!)

    Oh, and Posey? You might want to check your house for any portraits of really, really old cats.

    Last (but not least): did you catch “Vamire vs. Zombies” on Deadliest Warrior this past week?

    ~EdT.

  27. My old weinerdog has a friendly, benign tumor on her right “shoulder”. I don’t know if that’s a shoulder. Whatever that is, on a weinerdog where the shoulder would be on a human. ANYWAY.

    It’s a big knob, and when she’s acting up, I threaten to pull on her tumor. “Don’t you touch my Chinese food or I will pull that tumor of yours.”

    She doesn’t understand me, but somehow she knows I mean business.

  28. My cat is a sprightly 11, but she’s already developed a severe drooling problem and weird bumpy things all over her body. I can’t judge though; my body’s definitely gotten a bit strange as I’ve aged…

  29. Jenny– DO NOT INSTALL VIDEO CAMERAS IN YOUR HOUSE. Do NOT listen to everyone else!! Haven’t you ever seen Paranormal Activity?? I did, and while I wasn’t “scared” WHILE watching it, it’s been over a year and every so often I still wake my husband up so that he becomes the bait instead of me. Even if Posey is a vampire cat, he at least loves you guys, and you don’t want to mess with that by tempting spirits with a video camera. Live in ignorance— it is BLISS!

  30. My cat had one tooth and a crooked crotch before she passed away a few months ago. Tell Victor that little gem of a pussy is waiting for him up in kitty heaven. That might speed along the process…

  31. As always, I find you hilarious! Thank you for sharing the post from The Brave Girls Club!!

    My husband is recovering from a brain injury. . .

    So many times I have wished I could fast-forward through our last six years and make people understand without having to explain.

    PS-We used to shut our cats in the basement at night so they couldn’t kill us in our sleep.

  32. Please have a camera crew follow you. Or like set up a carmera for an hour a day and blog whatever comes out of that.

    Posey keeps autocorrecting to possum.
    That’s not the point.

    Posey is gonna live forever. Meowwwchpgg

  33. I have a cat who was supposed to only live to 5, and he’s now 14. I think he’s created some sort of time loop – by throwing up most of his meals, his body perpetually thinks it’s time for breakfast in 2004.

  34. our oldest cat just turned 16. he’s in kidney failure and has a heart murmur that we haven’t figured out yet. he needs a chest xray. he also spews bits of cat juice when he gets purry and meowy. and his meows are sometimes… well, strange.

    i’ve been working on a blog post about him. it’s nowhere near as awesome as yours. it’s kind of sad and stuff.

  35. Okay, so, if you’ve never watched “Invader Zim,” you need to see just one episode – “Rise of the Zitboy” (which is the second half of episode #9). Zim gets a zit and draws a face on it and names it Pustulio. Drawing a face on your Posey’s extra-toe-beginnings-of-a-clone-tumor reminded me WAY too much of that. Enjoy. Also, you’re hilarious. Never change.

  36. My Miss Dickens is 19 & just started the sleeping with eyes open thing. This gives me mini-heart episodes throughout the day, so she’s sort of like my trainer.

  37. me: There’s something on Posey’s leg.

    Victor: Hmm. Is it Posey’s foot?

    This alone caused me to spit my Starbucks on my pc screen….!

  38. Yep, could be years to go yet! The oldest one I’ve met was 22. Go on growing your extensions, Posey!

    (Great name, btw. Coincidentally the name of the first, and greatest, veterinarian I worked for. So here’s to both….long life to Posey and Dr. Posey!)

  39. Similar conversation I had with Cole (husband) regarding my 11-month old Chihuahua-terrier puppy.
    Me: Spike’s mad at me. (William the Bloody is his full name, btw.)
    Cole: What makes you think that?
    Me: See how his ears lay down all the time. He didn’t do that before I left for the BIG FOOT run. (A day trip that turned into a 3 day Bad Girls Weekend.)
    Cole: He’s not mad at you. He probably didn’t even know you were gone.
    Me: Look at his mouth. That’s a sneer.
    Cole: He has an over-bite. That’s just the way his face looks.
    Me: He’s planning to kill me in my sleep. If you see him moseying around the flatware, he’ll be sleeping with the kids tonight.
    Cole: He’s not after the kids?
    Me: Hardly. He plans to take out the brains of the operation (me) and then watch as the rest of the organization crumbles at his paws.
    Cole: …/you’re/…the brains?
    Me: [eyes narrowed at Spike] Let’s set up a sting. He’ll never see it coming. You think we can borrow Cookie (the neighbor’s full-blooded Chihuahua)?

    http://prose-spective.blogspot.com
    http://theredbookexperiment.blogspot.com

  40. The tumor is more of a “spin-off” to the already successful Posey show. Like the Jefferson’s were to All in the family. I think you should name it Weezie.

  41. I’ve seen this sort of thing before. It was in that space vampire movie with Patrick Stewart and Mathilda May. One day you’re going to wake up to find Posey looking a lot younger and Ferris a shriveled-up husk. You can’t win. Posey will just keep draining the life force of every cat you bring home, channeling it all into his giant vampire cat eye spaceship. Unless of course Ferris is the cat equivalent of Steve Railsback, in which case you’re probably OK.

  42. Oh Jenny, only you could make me laugh, as well as cry a little in the same post. It’s awesome that you can compare your cat to Keith Richards though. At best, I can compare my cats to Leonard Cohen and Justin Beiber (vaguely gruff and enigmatic, and annoying as shit, respectively)

  43. I found my cat, Pooter, when I we were both five years old. She was the MEANEST GODDAMN CAT, and, of course, she lived almost forever (if ‘forever’ is twenty three years). By the time my family decided to put her down, we were both twenty two, and she was deaf, missing a few teeth, arthritic, I’m pretty sure all her innards were dust and cobwebs, and–the straw that broke the camel’s (er, cat’s) back–she had just developed a golfball-sized tumor on her side.

    But yeah. Twenty two years. And we had to put her down. I’m pretty sure that if we hadn’t, she would’ve lived another twenty two years, but she probably would’ve been pretty messed up at that point. So. Um, yeah. That’s the end of my story.

  44. I’m terrified that your circumcision article is filed under “circumcision, do-it-yourself”.

  45. I have an 18 year old cat, and it seems like she’s going to go on forever. Don’t write Posey off yet!

  46. My cat’s pretty much the same way. While not 16 years yet (he’s 14), he’s certainly lived longer than 98% of the outdoor cats in our area. I think it’s pure spite and hatred for the world that’s doing it.

  47. Posey kinda rocks real hard and shit as he’s managing to clone himself. That’s EXACTLY what Keith Richards would do. EXACTLY.

    Somehow, this post reminded me of a creepy-ass short story written by Roald Dahl about a cat that was the reincarnation of Franz Litsz. I think it was called Edward the Conqueror. They know it’s Franz Litsz because of the warts on the cats face.

    I know, right?

    Shut up, Dani.

  48. We had our own Posey that made it to about 19. One day she went out for her daily trip out and never came back. I imagine she’s working her way all the way around the world. The long way. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  49. Posey is a LONG way from Keith Richard status if he is an indoor-only cat. My first generation of cats lived to 19 1/2, 18 1/2, 14 and 17 1/2. They died from “everything at once”, heart disease, liver failure and kidney failure. A tumor on the toe at 16 sixteen is just a bump in the road. It might just be a benign fatty tumor. Just take him to the vet and get a needle biopsy so you know what you are dealing with. Maybe he could design a tote bag and sell them to pay his own medical bills.

  50. 4 years ago our pug named Pug got a tumor on her leg. We had it removed. She still holds it up and pitifully limps whenever she thinks she’s in trouble. 4 years later and still playing the “cancer survivor” card….

  51. Our ancient black dog had a bright pink, squishy looking skin growth on his elbow. The neighbor’s five year old daughter was convinced it was bubblegum. She would insist we take it off him, right now. It drove her nuts that we wouldn’t take the bubblegum off this poor old dog’s leg. No amount of explaining worked, we were just the jerks with gum stuck to their dog.

  52. Anyone who has been owned by a ‘pet’ before will tell you it is two posts in one – both funny and depressing! The MERRRRRCH comment was obviously “Keep petting me slave and I won’t make any deposits in your shoes or on your pillow and I will refrain from using you as a scratching post for an hour or two.” Or perhaps it was “just you wait until my clone is complete…then my plans for taking over the world can truly begin.” It is really had to tell.

  53. Our 18.5 year old Glamorpuss, Calliope, (not her real name, just her soap opera pseudonym) doesn’t have any tumors, but she has had all her teeth removed. Not to make “hooking” easier, but because of her sinuses – or so I am told. She still eats bon bons and yells at us if we put ice in her water. She likes to go to Bob’s Big Boy once a week after Wednesday services and get a slim Jim, but sometimes she forgets her dentures. She has promised to live another 4 or 5 years incontinently living on my velvet couch, yelling at me with her gummy little scratchy voice.

  54. Her (looking at concert schedule): Herbie Hancock only has one show.
    Me: You’d think he’d add some variety by now.
    Her: No, I mean he’s only performing in one show!
    Me: You want to watch him twice?
    Her: [Gives The LOOK[tm])
    You want him to perform in two shows at once! That’s like the clone twin I’m reading about on right now on the Bloggess, except it might be a cat tumor, so she’s going to draw a smiley face on it. Unless it’s an extra toe. True story.
    Her: I’m NEVER getting on Twitter.

  55. My kitties are both over 17 and still enjoying sunshine patches, catnip, and chin rubs.

    Sure, Boo likes to roam randomly at night throughout the house, meowing like she’s calling for help. As soon as I reply with, “What is it, Boo? What do you need?” She walks over & looks at me like, “What?” I politely explain that indeed she was howling, but Boo just responds with, “ME? I would never!” I’ve given up arguing with her and so now we just do a nightly meow-and-response.

    My other cat Silly has become such a drool-producing machine, I believe there’s enough supply to open a bottling plant & sell the stuff. Not sure on the marketing campaign yet. I think I need a better name than “Silly Drool Juice” for starters.

  56. The cat I had as a teen grew this giant ball thing out of the side of his leg and then decided to explode it all over my brand new pair of really awesome pink Manager jeans – yeah, blood everywhere. I totally see why people say pink and red clash. The end.
    Epilogue: He later died at the age of 20 something from falling out of a tree. So keep Posey away from trees or tall people.

  57. My Miss Dickens (didn’t know there were two of them!) turned 20 in July. She’s on her 29th life. She has had cancer for over 4 years. She gets chemotherapy regularly. Lest you think that I’m cruel to keep her on chemo, it works like a shot of adrenaline. She gets all young and perky after each treatment. She’s pretty active, eats well, pees in the box, and generally runs the household. She is also a pretty good attack cat, as she will scratch or bite all who enter, invited or not — hence her nickname, Miss Dickhead. I used to think she was on borrowed time. Now I’m sure she will outlive me.

    Posey sounds like she’s from similar stock and will probably outlive you.

    Just beware, your cat will eat your eyeballs if you die in its presence. Make sure someone is around to pick up you body before the cat gets to it.

  58. that friggin snail one is STILL disturbing me…. I’m FROM British Columbia and I swear I’m never fucking going outside ever again… EVER.

  59. I just reviewed all those metal chicken pictures posted on Facebook (SO MANY PICTURES!) and I feel I have to let you know — some of those chickens are not chickens.

    In fact, so many of those chickens were not even chickens that I was tempted to add in a picture of my giraffe ( http://www.tokenblogger.com/2011/09/so-i-have-a-thing/ ) but I didn’t. Only because I know my giraffe is not a chicken.

    Because it’s a giraffe. (Not a chicken.)

    Here’s to neither of us having a pair of copulating uncircumcised slugs fall upon us while walking through the woods at night.

    Or at least not when we’re sober…

  60. My cat YumYum is somewhere around 16 (I’ve had her for half my life, and no, I can’t be bothered to remember when she strayed into my bed) but, rather than sinew, she appears to be a walking skin-bag full of knuckles. And poop. And she pukes at the drop of a hat. But, other than that she’s the picture of health.

  61. @Ellie Di: TWENTY-TWO!?!? So the cat that my mother-in-law bought for my daughter without permission is going to be in my house until it’s TWENTY-TWO?! Gaaaaaahhhhh!

  62. That video of your dollhouse was awesome – as is the dollhouse – as are you. Hey. It’s an Awesome Trifecta! Never change Jenny The Bloggess – if ever you do, I will be delated.

    PS: Huh. Spell check thinks that ‘delated’ is not a word/misspelled! Stupid spell check.

  63. Awww, old kitty! My Comet lived to the rip old age of 20. I had him since I was 5. So I know well of possibly immortal cats eating your soul. He was totally healthy until about 18. Then it was hyperthyroidism (easily regulated with pills!) which wasn’t so bad. Giving cats a pill? TOTALLY AWESOME. I become a fucking PRO at that shit! Acute Renal Failure, alas, was not as easy to fix.I couldn’t quite convince the SO that we TOTALLY needed to pay for my 20 year old cat to have a kidney transplant.

    Also? Old cats puke EVERYWHERE. All the time. For no reason at all. Just BLEEEEEEEH all over the carpet. BLEEEEEEEEH all over your bed. BLEEEEEEH all over your husband’s work clothes. I’m STILL finding hidden piles of vomit TODAY that Comet lovingly left behind for me. YOU’RE GONE, KITTY. BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN. The stains of your presence will always… always be here. <3

    Rock on, Posey-The-Cat! ROCK ON FOR ANOTHER 10+ YEARS!

  64. While growing up we had 2 cats at home, Rebekka and Roxan. Roxan lived to be 19, and we found out during her last few months that she’d had diabetes for a few years. Apparently. We only noticed in the last months because she’d lost about 13 of her 26 lbs. during that time.

    Becky lived to a year older, and my parents put her down at 20. She was pretty normal still, especially her fur, which wasn’t matted or anything. She just stopped being able to go to the bathroom in one place, which was, admittedly, pretty irritating for everyone involved.

    My boyfriend’s family cat, Goldie, is I think sitting at 18 now. She looks, acts and sounds sort of like death. But she’s still kicking.

    Starting to believe all cats are immortal. I have high hopes for our kitties now!

  65. I am in my fifties, as are most of my friends, and we are all convinced our cats will not only outlive us, but eat our faces when we die. They love that eyeball smell. And yes, yes, he is cloning himself……. Satan is in charge of that and he has posted just before me.; I would talk to him about that!

  66. Psshh, my cat lived to 19 1/2 much to my husband’s chagrin. In fact, I think the fact that he would have loved to see her go to the afterworld made her damn sure she was going to hang on for a lot longer. Cats are smart like that.

  67. From what I have experienced the crowd over at the Stir is a bunch of humorless Mompetitors that don’t have much in the way of minds to lose. They do make the comment thread pretty damn enjoyable though.

    I circumcised my kid(well, not personally) and would do it again. And if I was the mother to one of those slugs I’d go ahead and have the whole thing lopped off. Because motherfucking eww. Now all I can see is slime and oozing. So thanks for the whole scarred for life thing.

  68. oh no! I’m beginning to think my dog will live forever, even though she’s got a tumor the size of my head on her leg. And her other leg is growing an entirely different sort of tumor, yet equally disgusting. Poor old lady.

  69. If Posey’s all sinew at this point — prolly his kidneys. You might need to start giving him subcutaneous fluids, which isn’t nearly as bad as it sounds. He’ll feel remarkably better — my vet put it this way, kidney cats feel hungover all the time because they are dehydrated. Giving them the fluids is like the people equivalent of a greasy breakfast + giant glass of water + 2 advil.

    (My cat lived until 21, he perked up considerably once I started giving him the IVs)

  70. Everytime I look at my 9 year old cat I think about how I have another 5-6, or according to another commentor, possibly 13 years left with this stupid bastard. If he had six toes I may not mind so much but unfortunatly he’s completely average. Except in the irritation department. He’s way above average there.

  71. Hm, this is slightly disturbing since I just posted about how I sleep with my eyes open. Does this mean that I could expect to grow an extra digit? Does this mean that I am on my deathbed? Does this mean that I am a vampire? I suppose all are possible, though none sounds super appealing (unless my extra digit also gets a smiley and a tv show). Tell Posey I said what up.

    Sleeping with eyeballs open post:
    http://amorninggrouch.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/these-irish-peepers-give-others-the-creepers/

  72. Jenny, it’s funny AND sad about Posey. Tell Posey that being polydactyl isn’t a great achievement. Most of the dogs I know with too many toes, while very sweet, are very, very dumb. Not that Ferris is dumb, he is a cat and therefore far more intelligent than a dog, but the point is for Posey not to use up his old man energy on an extra toe or two.

    Thank you for the circumcision article. Not only did it have me rolling, but I feel better about ALL the arguments I’ve had about the choices we’ve made so far when it comes to raising our kids. I’ve got raging hormones and enough self doubt that I don’t need some asshole who doesn’t know anything about me or mine telling me how I’m about to “fuck up royally.” Unless I’m about to paint my baby’s crib with lead paint or blow asbestos on him on a nightly basis or anything else that’s DEFINITELY going to lead to an early death, I’m really not interested in hearing it. I’m honestly sick to death of all the wives tales and misinformation women keep feeding me. Thanks for warning me about that age old supersition about cats stealing my baby’s milk (like a ninja? all I see is my white cat dressed up in a black ninja outfit pulling a mission impossible through the house to the crib at night and it just makes me laugh) but next time, could you maybe warn me about something real and immediate? Like pissing myself when I fart? That would’ve been nice to know before I went to the grocery store…

  73. Posey is still in the prime of his life. My aunt and uncle are famous for having what we suspect is a Pet Semetery of some sort hidden on their farm. Their last 3 cats to pass away? 21 years old, 19 years old, and 20 years old. Not even kidding. And these were run of the mill barn cats that weren’t allowed in the house until they hit 15, so no easy housecat life for them.

    (And can I just say that 20 years does not look attractive on a cat? I adored all three cats, but WOW…..was really concerned as some point they were actually zombies that didn’t have the energy to hunger for human flesh.)

  74. I am pretty sure Posey on V would be fucking awesome….I am wondering if he’d be all Team Jacob or more like a hotshot reject…hmmm…need to explore this tonight in my ambien induced nightmares…

  75. You really should name the tumor. My kids named our dog’s tumor “Audrey,” after the plant that eats everyone in LIttle Shop of Horrors.

  76. I’ve had cats live to be nineteen (I’m very jealous of Aunt NoNo’s 21 year old). Posey has some good time ahead of him. Probably. Check the tumor though. It could be an abscess that just needs to be popped.

  77. What’s really scary is that my 18-year-old cat had a tumor… and then it DISAPPEARED. It resorbed. Now it’s coming back. I think it’s pulsing and soon will explode into being as a separate entity, thereby killing my current cat in the process. Tumors are parasitic. Don’t touch them, and definitely don’t encourage them by drawing on smiley faces. 😉

  78. So, I have finally finished reading every post you’ve ever made on this website, and am currently reading all the crazed comments on your penis article; I have concluded that I love you, and maybe you should be afraid of that.

    P.S. I promise I’m not really as creepy as that sounded, and I live nowhere near Houston.

  79. Hi Jenny,
    I think Posey has a long way to go:-) An old friend of mine has had a cat, Jingles for what seems like forever….she tells me every year, he is 19 years old. Jingles is Now blind & deaf and come to think of it, he has been 19 years old for as long as I’ve known her…maybe 15 years give or take a year or two?! No worries, Posey is fine…and I completely support you on drawing smiley faces on him:-)
    Purple Stinky Onion
    (PSO)

  80. only 16? A youngester………I had a cat who lived to be 22 years old before we finally had to help her cross over. We got her before we were married and my oldest could drink before she was gone. Hopefully you will have many many more years with your immortal cat.

  81. My cat Silhouette is nearly 21. He’s mostly sinew and still jumps on the kitchen counters. I call him “The Once and Future Cat.”

  82. My 15 year old cat survived skin cancer a year ago and a few months later grew one of those weird toenail/toe things. The vet said, “huh”, took it off and sent it in. Glad we checked it, especially with her history, but thankfully, no cancer, just some sort of zombie-wanna-be weirdness.

    Also, another friend has a cat who is 20 years old. She supposedly had only 15% of her kidney function left two years ago, but she’s still going strong and talking away. She’s developed a strong desire for people food. (Not people as food, though.)

    Maybe there’s the potential for a weird tourist destination spot? Something having to do with toenails and cats?

  83. Posey may be around for many more years yet! My cat lived to be 19 and was in pretty damn good health until his kidneys gave out suddenly. BTW, he did have extra toes on each of his paws (not tumors, but actual extra toes). I thought he was either more highly evolved, a descendant of the Hemingway cats, or both. Probably both!

    Cats truly do have 9 lives!

  84. The post is at once sad and hilarious. I lost my 18-and-a-half-year-old cat a couple of weeks ago- I’d had him since second grade and I’ve now been out of college for four years- and I laughed anyway. I hope Posey sticks around.

  85. Ok, so I just went back and read the post on Posey and the sparkly vomit. (I think the tinsel, while not “normal” to eat, is highly attractive to a LOT of cats, I gave up years ago the tinsel for this same reason!) Then, went on to watch your vid with Posey while singing of Don Gato! OMG, that was GREAT! You are so lovely & I wept a lil bit at the end, it was so good. You are beautiful, funny, & simply amazing in more ways than should be allowed by 1 single person.

  86. I know you have a million people to talk to and many things to write about but I can relate to your story with your kitty. I had my cat Figaro for 14 years, since the 2nd grade until last year. He was 14 years old and senile like your kitty.. and also had developed an old man yowl-mrow.. he was very hillarious and spry in his old age. He got a tumor too, and he toughed it out for a year or so but in the end we had to say goodbye. I dont know if this is making you feel better or worse, but at least know that you are not alone and that your kitty loves you and knows that you love him, and care for him.

  87. Okay, Jenny..ohh, i am sorry *gives the best dainty curtsy thats possible when you are a fat white guy* Her Bloggessness. I am just curious, and heck, who knows, this might elicit a response from your heinyness. These convo’s you have with Victor and Hailey…are they real or do they exist in your head prior to ending up here or on one of your other venues? I am just curious.

    I know you are all about the satire and you get irked when ppl take your shtuff seriously sometimes.

    (The conversations are real. The advice about eating your baby is satire. ~Jenny)

  88. I know a cat who according to her owner is at lest 18 now. Topaz looks pretty gnarly and has kitty ALZ,, She stands at her bowl and caterwauls just after she ate; because she doesn’t remember that she just ate.

    But she is one tough kitty. She can still kick your ass, even at this age.

  89. Definitely funny, because I almost shot my morning coffee out my nose. Which is saying a lot because I have a cold, dead heart and rarely laugh.

    Also, I often have similar conversations with my husband about what the cat (and dog) are saying. Often, they are telling me they love me more than him.

  90. You know Victor petted Posey grudgingly because he knows if he didn’t the likelihood of her haunting him from the great beyond, dressed as Keith Richards, wailing “Meeeeeeeerch!” is one of his greatest fears.

  91. My cat, who lived to 19 (which was my entire adult live at that time) finally had had enough and I came home one day and found her laying on the floor with her head stuck inside a piece of plastic dryer vent hose. Sometimes, it’s just time to go.

  92. My aunt’s cat, Meaness, lived to be 22. He was a fucking awful beast with a horrible temper and lived just to spite all who tried to pet him. I think the key is to make Posey really fucking spiteful and you’ll get a few more years from her. Also, Tumors NEED names. I get this.

  93. Posey’s an f-ing champ!

    I bet even after he dies he’ll become a zombie cat. Then he’ll still be kicking ass and taking names. What a bad ass!

  94. Totally not related to your post, but I think they (even though I don’t know who “they” are) should create you a fucking app so I can read you all the time damn it :} Apple is fucking up! haha

    Have a great day
    -Val

  95. When my daughter was little I was in a mommy group, and one of the boys, who was about 3 at the time, was uncircumcised. His mom would get us outside and say “Nathan, do your trick,” and he would pull down his pants, pinch his foreskin and pee, swelling his penis into a balloon. Then he would let it go and the pee would spill on the ground and his mom would laugh her ass off. Now I’m a pretty strong person, and I didn’t circumcise my own son, but the rest of you might want to consider this story when you are faced with the decision.

    And my cat is 18. Her littermate brother died at 15, and Miranda suddenly blossomed. It was like that asshole had kept her down for so long and now she was just going to start all over and have another lifetime where She could be in charge! Come to think of it, that’s pretty much how my mother reacted to my father’s death …

  96. Hi Jenny, long time reader and first time commenter here. What is the easiest way to contact you (other than through here obviously)? In a nutshell I’m a single mom with no support trying to make ends meet the best way I know how and have been offered an art show that I can’t afford to participate in at this time. I won’t leave all the specs here since I’m not trying to use your blog as my own billboard.

    Last year I watched this community pull their asses together and help bring Christmas to a lot of deserving families. It was awesome. I didn’t participate because I couldn’t afford to but also didn’t need anything since my daughter was only a few months old and couldn’t have given a damn. I guess what I’m getting at is I would appreciate the word being spread if you like the work that I’ve done and think it’s something you’d be ok sharing with the rest of the readership.

    Anyways, whether or not you see/address/shiv (shank?) this comment, I really appreciate what you have goin’ here and all the awesome distractions you’ve provided to a sometimes ridiculously tough time in my life.

  97. My late cat, Rousseau, lived to be 20. For the last four years he had a tumor on his right front shoulder that grew so large we thought of changing his name to Quasimodo. It didn’t seem to bother him any, so after the vet drained it a few times and it kept coming back, we just quit worrying about it. In his youth, he was quite the handsome boy. In his old age he was magnificently bedraggled. Knowing him has helped me to be philosophical about my own inexorable slide into decrepitude.

  98. FWIW….My one cat lived to be 28. No joke! I got her when I was six and she had to be put down when I was 34 years old.

    She creaked when she walked, she was mostly deaf – she purred SO loud you could hear her in other rooms of the house – and mostly blind. However she still was able to get from the food bowl, to the litter box to her ‘spot’ on the window sill. She’s probably still be alive today if her kidneys didn’t fail and even then we had to put her down, she wouldn’t die on her own. She was the sweetest cat ever!

    So tell hubby to suck it up, the cat’s fine and if he’s not in pain, let him alone. Cats will develop fatty tumors as they get older. As long as he’s able to function, then don’t worry about it.

    Jen

  99. I don’t think 16 is old for a cat. I had one who lived to be 21 and another who hit 19. I currentkly have a 17 year old who still has enough strength to shit outside the box on a daily basis. Viva Posey!

  100. Damn girl! You crack me up!! My kids spent the weekend with my mother in law who would probably let them practice human sacrifice if they really wanted to do so, so they won’t listen to me today. (They don’t listen any other day, but it is ultra annoying after a weekend with her.) The only good thing today, until I read this and the post about circumcision, was finishing one of five baby afghans I’m crocheting. I have no life, but I some how feel better after reading your blog. I mean that as a compliment because just when I think will not smile on a particular day I come here and you prove me wrong. 😀

  101. My cat made it to 21. She held out for her first booze slushie. Also, I once named a moth David Lee Moth.

    Jenna
    momofmanyhats.blogspot.com

  102. I vote we name the tumor Rasputin. But if it’s a cyst, I’m thinking Shelly.

    …There’s no punchline. I would never joke about the naming of a tumor/cyst.

  103. I work in a vet clinic, and we frequently print your cat-related posts and hang them up to help boost staff morale. We love you, keep up the great work. 🙂 (we also have a tiny Beyonce that is given to people as code to tell someone to cheer the fuck up, motherfucker…. I work with awesome people)

  104. I love how Victor starts out totally against you and everything that you are saying and then by the end of the post, he is totally going along with your idea. That’s love, baby!

  105. I’ve had my cat since I was 5. She’s now 22 and pretty healthy, her teeth are starting to deteriorate a bit, but she gets around just fine – up and down the stairs, jumping onto the bed, etc. I feed her Merrick’s Before Grain food though, because she was getting a little skinny according to the vet. I also give her glucosamine. But! At 22, she’s doing so great! And. I need her to live at least another 20 years… I’m terrified of the day that she passes…

  106. I just had to have my 20 year old cat.. I’ve had since I was 7, but down.. pretty sure the vet thought I was nuts sobbing hysterically and refusing to let her go…

  107. Maybe your cat’s thing is extra foreskin?

    Just saying. Thanks for writing the post about circumcision. I think everybody should. And anybody who writes what the first commentator wrote is an idiot.

  108. OH MY GOD, I was college friends with the gal that wrote ““If you are offended by salty language, then do not visit Jenny’s blog.”” Glad to know she turned out better than me 🙂

  109. I have a 15 year old cat and a 20 year old cat. The 15 year old I’m sure will never die because she is made of pure evil. The 20 year old is just a pile of bones that barfs on the bed, but she’s still alive every day when I get home…

  110. My cat, Eeyore, is 16 too. I recently stabbed her (totally by accident!!) but I’m thankful she doesn’t have thumbs otherwise I’d be in the clink right now on attempted homicide.

  111. I think you could make your cat’s toe/tumor/whatever into another product of some sort. After you draw a face on it and stuff. Think about that.

    And if you wake up one day and Victor is gone, but in his place is a cat that has an eerie Victor “aura” about it? Then you know that your cat is a vampire cat. And he got Victor. What sweet revenge. . .

  112. I have- currently- a 20 year cat, an 18 year old cat, a 9 year old cat and an 15 year old basset hound. I think Posey might surprise you yet, but hopefully not by strangling you as you sleep.

  113. Dear Miss Jenny Bloggess,
    You have made me laugh on many bleh days, so I hope to return the favor. On you tube there is a “put a bird on it” video mixed with a beyonce video called “All the Seagull Ladies”! I kid you not, enjoy portlandia, bird on it and beyonce fans!

  114. Whoa. Just today, I discovered what I suspect is a ping-pong ball sized tumor on the hind leg of our 17 yr old shih-poo — whom we’ve been calling George the Undead Dog for about a year now. He and Posey must both belong to some strange undead tribe of Keith Richard-type pets.

  115. Wouldn’t you need unicorn blood?

    I’m just saying that a unicorn would be much less likely to try and bite you, thus turning you into an undead immortal. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. Then knock yourself out.

    Basically what I’m saying is this:

    Unicorns > Vampires.

    🙂

  116. Twenty one years ago a little boy who grew up to be my husband rescued a mewling sickly runt of a kitten and convinced his parents to keep it. It quickly became his mother’s cat and is still running around her three story house (with arthritis medicine, but still…). She’s deaf as a post and has arthritis in her back legs but otherwise is the HEALTHIEST freakin’ cat I have ever seen! Go figure.

  117. As a medical professional I feel compelled to tell you that Posey is the name of a company that manufactures patient restraint devices. Happy trails…..

  118. Great. Just stinking wonderful! Because of your pininterest site and this post, I have a constant pop-up mental poster of Posey morphed into the squirrel fame poster. He holds up his tumor paw, striking a similar pose, and begins to sing the same song. “Fame! I’m gonna’ live forever.” Now that cat’s gonna’ live forever as the inappropriate pop-up that appears when you absolutely cannot, under any circumstances, laugh or snort. Like meetings…

  119. I have never felt so bad about laughing uncontrollably about someone’s dying cat. Perhaps Posey is like an incubus/succubus cat…minus the sex. He’s slowly sucking the life from you to keep himself alive….

  120. We have “The Old Man.” His name is Teddybear and he’s a 13 yr old Pom. For a few years now, he has had seizures and we knew that eventually he’d make that “one way trip to the vet.” Then we moved to a new house and our 2 year old dog died from an apparent allergic reaction to the trees in our yard! The Old Man, however, is now running around like a puppy and has been seizure-free ever since we moved. I’m starting to believe The Old Man is really a soul-sucking doggie vampire because it’s hard to believe a dog died of an allergy to pecan trees.
    Or it could be because The Old Man overheard me tell my husband that if he had another seizure, we’d have him put to sleep.
    Overachiever vs. vampire dog…. vamp-dog is cooler!

  121. This could be a conversation between my boyfriend and I in regards to my immortal cat Kodiak. She just turned 16, and I’m convinced she’ll live forever. She’s not even arthritic yet, except when it comes to doing her number two’s. About the only noticeable change is that she farts with greater gusto (stench) than she used to. If Posey’s an indoor cat, he may very well hit 22 or beyond. I was told by a vet that it’s not uncommon for small female cats (as in my case) to hit 25. So I’m crossing my fingers for another 9-10 years for my baby girl and your little overachiever.

    Long live Posey!

  122. I hope it cheers you to hear that I have two cats who are ooooooooold. One is 19 (Elvira, a girl) and one is 23 (Smudge, a boy). Smudge has now outlived five other cats, one dog, and my parents. Never thought that would happen. I think he and Elvira are in some cosmic battle for supremacy, even as they both deal with feline dementia.

  123. Holy shit. I thought we were the only family with an immortal pet. Our golden retriever is immortal. Apparently, the key to pet immortality is, in fact, NOT VAMPIRE BLOOD! I know, I know. It’s hard to believe. Apparently, the secret to your pet being immortal is the degree of frequency in which your pet eats it’s own excrement!

    Just thought you should know.

  124. My cat died last year – she was 21. I’m praying to GOD that my current cat does not live that long because she is pure evil, and savagely attacks me on a routine basis. I have scars – lots of scars. Of course, the vets all say the meanest ones live the longest, so I’m totally screwed. Anyway – long live Posey/Keith Richards!

  125. I have an immortal rabbit. Mr. Parker not only outlived the TV Show he was named after (Seven Days) but he might outlive every other animal in this house.

  126. We have a cat that is turning 20 this year. Every time we think he is going to die, he gets a second wind. He’s like those creepy cats in the movie Pet Cemetery that come back from the dead.

  127. Hi Jenny,
    My dear friend, L, and I love you so much. We are fascinated with your haunted doll house. We’re both HUGE Neil Gaiman fans, and have been trying to pinpoint the other Gaiman references besides the blue hand under the glass dome. We think the tarot cards are from American Gods…. Can you tell us what other NG references you’ve added? BTW, L and I both suffer from differing, but ‘invisible’, illnesses. L suffers from a far more serious illness than I, and I send her your brilliance all the time to cheer her up. It works every time. You are good medicine. Huge love to you! Thank you for what you give to all of us.

  128. I literally pissed my pants a little bit reading this because I was laughing so hard. Thanks for giving me a reason to go home from work early! I also have an old, fat cat and a cat with extra thumbs. It’s pretty bad ass.

  129. My cat is the same age and she has *exactly the same thing* so please don’t panic yet. It may not be a tumour at all – it might be a parasite larva (eww, but it is a possibility), it might be a cyst of some kind and so on and so forth.

    Morgana has had her… oddity for nearly a month now, and I will finally be able to get her to a vet on Monday, so I will let you know how it goes. Right now it looks like someone has glues a small slice of hotdog to her leg. She doesn’t mind me touching it a little and is otherwise as chirpy as ever.

    As for the noises he makes, cats do that as they get older. My theory is that they’re trying to make noises closer to the ones we make so that can join in the conversation.

  130. I have an 18 year old cat…the geriatric cat specialist (yes, I know) that we took him to took some blood last year and return with a triumphant smile stating, “that cat has AT LEAST another 6 years in him!” My husband looked at her and actually said, “that fucking cat is never going to die, is he?” My point is 1) it’s not easy to find a new geriatric cat specialist in Raleigh, NC and b) JD has all kinds of growth and tumors and he’s fine…I wouldn’t worry about Posey…

  131. My cat is 22. While she is no longer able to jump on the top bunk to sleep with my 9 year old, you would be otherwise unable to tell she’s such an old fart. She still hunts moths and fights with the dog.

  132. Penis post was some of the most beautiful, inadvertent troll bait I have ever seen. Well done. The first page of comments had me in tears laughing so hard.

  133. 16 is young!!! Such an awful story to share but here goes, I got this cat when I was a small child. It was a boy cat but I insisted on naming him Christina. It was the late 80’s and made perfect sense at the time, I assure you. Well we ended up having to give the cat to my grandparents and my grandmother re-named it ‘Baby’. Who knows why. Maybe she was a fan of Dirty Dancing. Whatever. Well the cat lived to be be 22 years old. No shit. When it became apparent he was due for his ‘one-way ride to the vet’s office’, my grandfather had to take him because my sweet Nana couldn’t stomach it. When the vet gave the cat the shot to euthanize it, Baby laughed at him. And by laugh I mean he didn’t die. He just sat there….still sick….chillaxin. My grandfather was asked to leave the room so they could try to re-euthanize him again, directly in the heart. My Nana & Papa believe he is in a ‘better place’, which could be true. However, I believe after my grandfather left the room they gave ol’baby kitty 10 more of those shots. Only for him to grow stronger and stronger before it was too late and he could over power the semi educated vet-techs. Then he took off into the woods never to be heard of again.
    Anywho, Posey can live a lot longer than you are expecting and Christine is an acceptable name for an immortal male cat.

  134. My aunt and uncle tend to attract immortal cats. They’ve had at least two make it past 20 years. Actually, they also have a rabbit who’s about eight years past his life span. If Posey starts to get sick, let’s just send him to their house. Apparently it has magical powers.

  135. We got a little black kitten when we were first married. She was so mean, that when she died at 18, it was from a snake-bite.

  136. GOD this means I’m stuck with my husband’s cat for like 18 more years… /beats-head-against-desk-repeatedly.

  137. I don’t know how I missed this post the first time around, but now I’m wheezing and my face hurts from all the laughing. I had a cat who lived, fat and happy, to the ripe old age of 20. Hang in there, Posey!

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