Category Archives: You’re invited

HELLO, STRANGELINGS!

January 27, 2020

in bloggess book club, book stores are magic, Random Crap, You're invited

me: Hello, and welcome to the first ever meeting of the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club!

You: Wait…what happened? I just walked in and everyone is staring and I didn’t even know I had reading assigned and THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE.

me: No, it’s cool. This is a super laid-back book club. I’m not even wearing pants.

You: I see. Well, now it’s even more awkward.

me: It’s a talent. So here’s what you missed. I started a book club for introverts who want to read strange, wonderful books. The first one went out last week (along with book club stickers and pins and signed bookplates for the first 1200 people who signed up) and I just published a post on the Facebook page where people can discuss the book but some people hate Facebook so I’m also posting this right here in case people want to discuss in the comments of this blog post. Or if you want to just read it and never discuss it at all that’s totally cool too.

You: Oh. Well, that actually sounds like something I’d very much be into. How do I get in on this?

me: Well. We’re all sold out of January’s book but you can still get it from other indie bookshops or from the library. It’s called FOLLOW ME TO GROUND by Sue Rainsford, and it is deliciously weird. We actually had so many people interested in the book club that we had to stop offering new memberships for a bit but we are now adding more for February so you can click here to join if you haven’t already.

You: Oh wait. I just remembered that I already joined this club in a drunken haze last month. I guess that explains why that book arrived in mail today?

me: Hello, soulmate. Welcome.

You: So…what now?

me: Now you read the book and if you want to discuss it you can do that here or over here on the Facebook page but no pressure if you just like to lurk or save up all of the years books until summer vacation or leave them in Little Free Libraries. THERE ARE NO RULES.

You: This sounds amazing. So…can you tell me what next month’s book is going to be?

me: OMG I’M SO GLAD YOU ASKED. (Although technically since you’re a member you should already have an email from me from last week where I spilled the beans early to members.)

Next month’s book is AMERICAN SHERLOCK: Murder, Forensics, and the Birth of American CSI, by Kate Winkler Dawson. I devoured it in one night. If you are a true crime aficionado like me you will LOVE it and even if you aren’t it is such a fascinating book. It’s all about the life of Edward Oscar Heinrich, one of America’s first forensic scientists who cracked at least two thousand cases starting in the 1930’s.

You: Oh. That does look good.

me: And the author is from Texas so she’s coming down this week and signing copies of the book for us, so as a member you’ll be getting a signed edition of the book.*

You: What.

me: I KNOW RIGHT?

You: And what’s the book pick for March?

me: I’m still working on March but I can tell you that April is a humor memoir/essay and the author is one of my favorite writers of all time and I love her IRL.

You: Hmm…I think I can guess. Is it-

me: THE FIRST RULE OF BOOK CLUB IS THAT WE DON’T SAY WHAT THE NEXT BOOK IS UNTIL THE MONTH BEFORE.

You: You literally just told me there were no rules.

me: I am a complicated woman.

You: So will the authors ever show up in the comments of the book discussions?

me: They’re all invited to but some are introverts too so no pressure on them. I do though send them questions and I’ll share the answers here and on the Facebook page. Sue is working on hers right now so look for them in the comments when she’s done. And as a special thank you members will get an email with answers to THE WEIRD FIVE, which is a special five-question list every author will be given.

You: Thank you. I feel very important.

me: You should. You’re literally helping to create an entire bookshop just by being a member. That is some heavy magic.

You: Okay. I’ve got a book to curl up with. Any suggestion as to which cocktail to pair it with?

me: Hmmm… since the main character is a magic vegetable creature maybe a bloody mary with lots of root veggies in it? Tomato juice, celery, blood thinner….It’s practically a health drink.

You: I’m sorry, did you say “magical vegetable creature“?

me: Yes. And this is exactly why you need to read the book because it is like nothing I’ve ever read before and I need to discuss it right now.

You: I am both scared and intrigued.

me: Then I’ve done my job. Happy reading, friend.

*Just a note here that while we are currently accepting new members, only the first 2,000 members will get a signed copy of this book because that’s all we bought so if you are already a member you’re golden and if you aren’t yet but want to be just do it as soon as you can. 🙂 As always, if you have any questions just email us at orders@nowherebookshop.com. This post will stay open for months so no worries if your book hasn’t arrived yet or if you’re a slow reader.

PS. A few people are saying they can’t get access to the Facebook page when they click on the links. It’s open to anyone so if you have issues just search for “fantastic strangelings book club” in Facebook and that should work.

109 Comments

You are Here book bags! (They’re free. FREE! Get one quick.)

February 28, 2017

in what goes on tour stays on tour, YOU ARE HERE, You're invited

UPDATED! It’s March 2 and 5,000 bag have been given away. Yay! Totes will be coming soon to those who got in on time!

Just a quick update. Remember the book bags that my publisher is sending out for free as a special thank you to people who preorder my book, YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds? Well 3,700 of them have been claimed so far but they just got their shipment in of them and there are another 1,000 available so if you haven’t already claimed yours go do it now.

They just sent me pictures of them and they are big and awesome. Wanna see?

Click to embiggen

So if you want one, click here and fill out your information before they’re all gone.

Click here for a free book bag, y’all.

Also, I’m going on tour starting next week (!) and I’m hearing that some of the stops are already sold out of inside room or are running out so if you can come drop them a line to see how you can reserve a spot. (Usually preordering a book from the store gives you a guaranteed spot and you get to get into the signing line before everyone else. Every store is different though so give them a call.)

PS. I know going to signings can be scary but you never met a nicer group of people who will understand if you need to hide under a table, and I’m happy to sign anything, from boobs to babies to books, so please come if you can.

PPS. People are already starting to get their copies of YOU ARE HERE early (mostly in Canada and Germany for some reason) so when you get yours, let me know what you think?

113 Comments

I’M COMING TO YOUR TOWN. (But only if you live in one of the towns on my upcoming tour. Otherwise you may have to take a road trip.)

February 9, 2017

in what goes on tour stays on tour, YOU ARE HERE, You're invited

So! YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual For Dangerous Minds comes out in 3 weeks and that means I’m going on tour! Yay! It’s just seven stops but we tried to add a few places that I’ve never toured before so hopefully it will be awesome. And if it isn’t and only two people show up then we will skip the reading and just go to a bar and drinks are on me. Either way, you win.

More details to come closer to the date but here’s a quick look at where we’ll be next month:

I’ll update as I get details but I can tell you that usually all my readings/signings are free (one place has a $5 ticket fee because they have to rent a place to host it) and usually if you buy the book from the bookstore hosting the event you get a guaranteed seat and you get to go first in the signing line and you help keep the bookstore in business, which is a very good thing. I will happily sign anything you want though, no matter where you got it. Boobs, babies, books, Beyoncés….whatever.

Also, if you can’t make it to any of the events but you want a signed copy of one of my books (or several) you can usually call and order one from any of the stores and ask them to have me personalize one for you while I’m there and they’ll mail it to you or you can pick it up. You have to do it a bit early though because sometimes places run out of books quicker than expected.

Please come! My readings are totally laid-back and filled with introverts and weirdos. The good kind of weirdos.

More details to come…

281 Comments

IT’S HAPPENING. IT’S REALLY HAPPENING.

September 22, 2015

in functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, FURIOUSLY HAPPY, I am totally overrated, Taxidermy is weird but so am I, You people scare me and I sort of love it., You're invited

I got an email from editor saying “HAPPY PUB DAY!” and I was like, there’s a special day just for going to pubs? My God, we released my book on exactly the right day, but then I realized “pub” was short for “published” and OMG ::KERMIT FLAIL:: Y’ALL, MY BOOK IS OUT TODAY. Did you get it? Did you read it? Are you now running away because you realize I’m even crazier than I may have let on?

I stayed up late watching lovely people who were counting down the minutes until midnight when my book would show up on their reader and it seems surreal that after years of working on this it’s finally in your hands. Thank you for making me write this. Thank you for supporting me and passing on my work to others and for sharing and for helping me when I find myself stuck. Thank you.

And tonight? We party as if we all had ponies. Tonight is our launch and instead of doing tv shows and fancy parties I’m staying home and broadcasting live from my house as I do a reading and a Q&A for you guys and I’m nervous as hell but also very excited because over 1000 of you have already RSVPed and that’s about 998 more people I’ve ever had at my house in real life. To watch it just click here at 7pm central tonight. You don’t have to have a camera or an account…just computer that can pick up a video feed. With luck it’ll go well and not crash, but if it crashes just follow me on twitter and we’ll regroup. You can chat in the hangout, I think, but it’ll probably be easier if you do it on twitter using the hashtag #FH so everyone can follow along. Or just lurk. Or come late and watch the recorded video and pretend it’s live. Or skip it and go spelunking. Whatever makes you (furiously) happy.

PS. I just checked and my book is #3 on Amazon in biographies right now. Yeehaw! Number one is Mindy Kaling who is too adorable for me to stab so I can take her place, but number two is “Bill O’Reilly Killing Reagan“. WTF? I already didn’t like O’Reilly and now he’s killing Reagan and beating me in rankings? This is why we can’t have nice things.

PPS. Last night we did a test to see if I could make google hangouts work and I super fucked it up at first but then we got our shit together and giant thank yous go out to the hundreds of people who showed up to tell me what I was doing wrong and also to see my beaver. If you want to see what you missed it’s recorded right here and if you click on “cc” for subtitles it becomes even more ridiculous.

See you at 7? Yes? Right here.

164 Comments

What if I fuck this up?

September 21, 2015

in Church of Bloggessianism, FURIOUSLY HAPPY, Random Crap, You're invited

First off, my book is officially released to the public at midnight tonight and I’m terrified and excited all at once. I’m getting tons of tweets from people who’re getting notifications that it’ll arrive at their house in the morning, and a few who somehow got it early and are already enjoying it. I can only assume those people convinced their bookstore that today is Tuesday, or possibly they know the value of well-placed bribes. Either way, I salute you.

Tomorrow is the book launch party and you have to come. If you don’t know what I’m talking about go here for the details. It’s all online so you can come even if you’re in your pajamas or nude or a cat. (I mean, you can even come if you are a cat. Not if you’re in a cat. Don’t do that. Ew.) I’m still looking though all of your party name suggestions and I can’t pick just one so I’m currently leaning toward “The Church of Bloggessianism Presents The Furiously Happy Hour Fight Club Nonsexual-Orgy Featuring John Stamos If He Feels Like Getting In a Blanket Fort with Ferris Mewler and a Taxidermied Raccoon: The WE’RE HERE AND WE’RE NOT USED TO IT Party“. I doesn’t quite fit on a t-shirt though.

BUT! I’m afraid of technology so tonight let’s do a 5 minute test, okay? If you happen to be online tonight (Monday) at 6pm central go here to this test page I just made and we’ll see if it works, okay? This is not the same page that the actual party will be tomorrow (Tuesday). See my last post for that link. And if everything goes pear-shaped on Tuesday then we’ll just take over twitter, or I’ll break into the business center down the street and conduct the largest conference call in the world. Whatever. It’s our party and we’re winging it. Prepare to take to the streets if necessary. And by “take to the streets” I mean “hide in your bathroom with your phone.”

PS. John Stamos is not in any way expected to be here but he hasn’t blocked me yet on twitter and – in fact – he’s following me so I suspect he’s an introvert like us and will be lurking. He seems like a lurker. But in a really good way.

PPS. I think this is the first time I’ve ever shared a recipe on this blog but just in case you want to match what we’ll be drinking here tomorrow during the Furiously Happy Hour I’m sharing a few of my drink recipes…

Cheap Shame: Mix one part Strawberry Hill to one part Sprite. Serve over ice in a disposable cup. Remember 7th grade with equal parts fondness and horror.

Booze slushie: Make a snow cone using your vintage knuckle-scraper Snoopy snow-cone maker. After 15 minutes, a broken knuckle and two inches of melted snow-cone give up and curse loudly. Go buy a real snow cone maker or a blender. Pour whatever you have over the snow cone. I prefer Chambord, cheap amaretto, box wine, or that rum Kenny Chesney makes. Stop judging me.

The menstruating unicorn: Smirnoff Ice over Cherry 7-up served with a lit sparkler. Watch your bangs, y’all.

Water: It’s just water. It’s what I drink when I’m thirsty and it’s very refreshing. I recommend.

150 Comments

No Pants Party. You’re invited.

September 15, 2015

in functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, FURIOUSLY HAPPY, Random Crap, You're invited

So. My book comes out next week and I’m 50% excited and 70% terrified and 100% not sure how math works. Normally when a book comes out you have a big launch party in a big city and big people come and then I have a big panic attack and everyone wanders around making a big deal about the fact that the author won’t come out from under the table (truth) and that’s why this time my editor agreed to let me have my FURIOUSLY HAPPY launch party right here in my house with the best people ever. My cats. And you. The very people who helped me write this book and who often have the exact same fears about leaving their house. EVERYONE WINS. So, you are officially invited to my house (via the internet) on launch day for a reading and fun and ridiculousness. It’ll be this Tuesday, September 22nd at 7p central. It’ll probably last an hour, or until we get bored or too drunk to internet. Or if you hate looking at me you can join in on twitter using the hashtag #FH (short for “Furiously Happy”).

CLICK HERE AND BOOKMARK FOR THE LINK TO WHERE THE PARTY WILL BE.

But I need a name for this. I was calling it “The Agoraphobia Party” but I thought people might misunderstand, and then I thought maybe “Introverts United” but that sort of already exists on a t-shirt I own (INTROVERTS UNITE! But separately. And at your own houses) and that seems like cheating. Then I thought maybe “The No Pants Party” because the great thing about staying home while attending a party is that no one knows you don’t have pants on, but then I remembered that in the UK “pants” means “panties” and 1) I don’t want to have a “no panties party” because ew. And 2) I hate the word panties so much that I want it destroyed. I want to destroy panties. Jesus. That came out wrong. How did I get here?

Then I thought maybe “The Blanket Fort Coalition” because most of us with anxiety issues can’t wait until the party ends so that we can go home and hide in our blanket forts with our cats and books and phones and this would be nice because I’m basically inviting you into my blanket fort. (Not a euphemism). Except it’s a blanket fort with twitter and video and booze and I’ll probably end up saying something ridiculous that will live on the internet forever. But it’s probably not going to be any worse than “I want to destroy panties” (hopefully) so it’s (possibly) all uphill from here.

I still don’t think I’ve come up with the perfect name though so I’m asking you. Double Unicorn Success Unconference? Sloth Lovers Anonymous? The Assembly for the Advancement of Not Assembling Anyplace We Have To Make Smalltalk? The Worst Orgy Ever? The Apple Dumplin Gang? Conscious Uncoupling? Obviously I need help.

And the second thing is…would you come? Is that a weird party to have? Would you go online and watch a party that consists of me doing a book reading in front of my cats while my friend Marlena pours booze slushies and pulls together questions from twitter for the Q&A? Would it make you more likely to come if I say that we’ll do a drinking game where every time Trump says something stupid we do a shot until one of us dies of alcohol poisoning? And I’ll have special guests (who might all be taxidermied, if I’m being honest) come join me? And maybe someone famous will show up and then you can tell everyone that last night you went to a book launch and John Stamos showed up and then your coworkers will be like, “UNCLE JESSE?” and you’ll just shrug like, “Yeah, I guess. No biggie”? And I’ll give away books and tiny raccoons and maybe some taxidermy and I’ll show you how to french braid a dog and then we’ll all share funny videos of people that we hate falling, or hamsters eating tiny burritos, or hedgehogs being hedgehogs? I can’t tell if I’m making this more or less inviting. This is exactly why I never have parties. And why you should agree to come to this one.

PS. If you are an extrovert and hate being alone you can get together with your book club that night and all watch me doing my reading and it’s like you just brought an author with you to your book club. YOU WIN BOOK CLUB! I assume. I don’t know the rules of book club. Other than (I assume) no one talks about book club. I might be mixing that up with something else.

OH! WHAT IF WE CALL THE PARTY “FIGHT CLUB”? I always wanted to be in Fight Club. But that name’s taken. Never mind. Still thinking.

PPS. John Stamos will not be at the party. Unless, I guess, he really wants to come. I mean, he’s not not invited. You know what? I take it back. John Stamos might be at the party after all. That man is totally unpredictable.

PPPS. Look what I got today!

My audiobook! If you come up with the winning name for this party I’ll send you a signed one. Or a book. Or someone else’s book if you hate me. Whatever. Not judging.

"WHY ISN'T THIS AVAILABLE ON AUDIO SO DJ'S CAN MIX THIS SHIT UP?" ~ said no one ever. Yet.

“WHY ISN’T THIS AVAILABLE ON VINYL SO DJ’S CAN MIX THIS SHIT UP IN THE CLUB, YO?” ~ Said no one ever. Yet.

574 Comments

FURIOUSLY HAPPY TOUR

May 7, 2015

in FURIOUSLY HAPPY, Random Crap, You're invited

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT, Y’ALL! I’M TURNING INTO A BADGER.

Wait. No. That’s not it. I’m coming to your town to sign your books. ALL OF YOUR BOOKS! And your babies. Whatever does it for you. Put a blanket (or a load of warm cats) on your sofa because I’m on the way to see you. Or I will be in four months. If you live in one of the towns I’m going to, that is. If you don’t then you should move. You have four months.

Here’s where I’m going:

The devil and the details:
9/23 Austin Bookpeople 7pm
9/25 Houston, Blue Willow 6pm
9/26 Dallas, Half Price Books 3pm
9/29 Atlanta, A Cappella Books 7pm
9/30 Nashville, Parnassus 6:15pm
10/3 Miami, Books & Books (Coral Gables) 7pm
10/10 Huntsville, Alabama Rocket City Lit Fest 11am
10/12 Washington, DC Politics & Prose 7pm
10/15 NYC Barnes & Noble/ Union Square 6pm
10/17 Boston, Porter Square 6pm
10/20 Toronto, Indigo Manulife 7pm
10/23 Dayton, Books&Co 7pm
10/25 Chicago, Women & Children First 4pm
10/27 Milwaukee, Boswell Book Company 6:30pm
11/2 Minneapolis, University of Minnesota Bookstore 7pm
11/4 St. Louis, Left Bank Books 7pm
11/6 Wichita, Watermark Books 6pm
11/11 Denver, Tattered Cover (Colfax store) 7pm
11/13 Seattle, Third Place Books (Lake Forest Park store) 6pm
11/14 Portland, Powell’s (Burnside store) 4pm
12/1 San Francisco, Books Inc. (Opera store) 7pm
12/2 Corte Madera, Book Passage 7pm
12/4 Santa Cruz, Bookshop Santa Cruz 7pm
12/6 Los Angeles, Vroman’s 4pm
12/7 Tempe Changing Hands 7pm

(You can preorder my book at any of the above places. I’m pretty sure that supporting independent bookstores – especially ones that host dangerously strange authors and their friends – gives you extra karma points in your next life.)

Please come. Say you’ll come. I can’t do this alone.

I’m working on a few other things that might work for you if none of those cities do so I’ll keep you posted. Do you want an autographed copy of FURIOUSLY HAPPY right now? Me too, but I don’t have one. But leave a comment and if you’re selected I will send you one for free in September. I’m totally good for it. Or I’ll give you a signed copy of my last book right now if you’d rather have that. Your choice. Just tell me in the comments. I’m totally flexible.

PS. For real, I may need a sofa and some cats. Or a bag of hedgehogs and some tater tots. Depends on my plans. I’ll keep you posted.

PPS. Are you asking yourself “When did she write a new book? Who is that raccoon? Where even am I?” then you need to start here. It’s fine. We’ll wait.

1,590 Comments

Books are always bigger on the inside.

January 13, 2015

in You're invited

Did I mention it was my birthday a few weeks ago? Because it was but we don’t really celebrate it because it’s right after Christmas and everyone is too tired. But Victor assured me that he’d actually gotten me a present, although I’d have to wait until it was finished, and I assumed he was a tremendous liar because that’s the sort of thing I’d say if I forgot someone’s birthday too.

Turns out though that he actually did get me something. Or…well….he got me something to give away, but that’s nice because that’s one of my favorite things, and ranks somewhere in between the smell of a good library and the sound of the TARDIS (preferably circa David Tennant.)

And that’s what makes this present so perfect.

This is when I screamed a little bit.

It’s a Little Free Library.

They’re tiny neighborhood libraries you put in your front yard…An outdoor box full of books where anyone can stop by and take a book and bring back another one to share. This kid explains it better than I can.

They’re popping up all over the world and they are fabulous. I highly recommend getting one. The only problem I have is that my neighborhood is really hard to get to so instead of putting it here I want to put it somewhere it’s easy to access. I’m the steward for this library so it needs to be somewhere in the San Antonio/Central Texas area, close enough that I can visit it and keep it maintained. It needs to be somewhere we’d have permission to install it (on a pole or bolted to something permanent). The light on the top is solar powered and lights up -dimly- at night.

It looks small, but it’s bigger on the inside.

I’m going to check into local parks, but if you know of a place that would be perfect, let me know.

As they say, there is no frigate like a book to take you miles away. (Bonus if that frigate is a space ship/time machine.) No one says that last part. But they should.

I’ll keep you posted.

“Books. People never really stop loving books… …You want weapons? We’re in a library. Books are the best weapon in the world. This room’s the greatest arsenal we could have. Arm yourself!” ~ Doctor Who

224 Comments

UPDATED: The Church of Bloggessianism. Choose your title, strangelings.

November 18, 2014

in Church of Bloggessianism, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, You people scare me and I sort of love it., You're invited

A few weeks ago I was accidentally made the leader of a church which doesn’t actually exist and now we have over 2,000 members. I’m pretty sure than makes me some sort of Pope so please send me hats.

More about that here if you missed it.

We decided that it would be nice to have some commandments, but “Commandment” seemed a bit pushy so we’re leaning more toward “Helpful Hints” or “Life Hacks”. I came up with the first few. The rest are a few of my favorites you’ve come up with. Feel free to add your own:

Current Life Hacks for the Church of Bloggessianism:

Don’t be an asshole.
Extra gravy for everyone.
Two holy days of observance each month requiring Bloggessians to take the day off and watch bad tv or read in bed. We also get all the regular holidays off for every other religion because we’re incredibly open-minded and like to support other beliefs as well. This includes Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day, National Donut Day, Deviled Egg Appreciation Day, etc. (FYI…today is National Sundae Day, even though it’s Tuesday, but it’s nice because you need to leave right now and eat ice cream for religious reasons.)
If you see a sloth you are given special dispensation to hug it. Present your official card to any zoo officials.
Here is your official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card.
Mosquitos are now illegal.
Wearing slippers and pajamas in public is a sign of your faith and you’re allowed to kick judgey people in the knee if they question you. Togas are also acceptable if you are feeling particularly religious or if you’ve run out of clean clothes altogether.
Bacon at every meal. Chocolate dipped bacon for special high holidays.
Blessed are the pickles, for they are pickled.
Thou shall always ask for help when you need it.
Thou shall carry thy metal spork for all sudden stabby needs.
Thou shall glitter-bomb assholes.
Thou shall get your slow ass out of the fast lane.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s giant metal chicken.
Thou shalt not lick foxen, unless the foxen are into it.
Thou shalt not share things on facebook until thou hast verified their truth.
Thou shalt not throw co-workers under the bus.
Thou shalt not leave your cart in the middle of the grocery aisle and wander off to find tuna fish.
Thou shalt not talk to people who are less than 10 pages from the end of the book they are currently reading
Thou shalt not make commandments.
Thou shalt not shalt others.
Honor the saints of Bloggessianism. St. Wil of Collating. St. Jeri Ryan of Spatula. Nancy W. Kappes, Patron Saint of Chemical Substances. James Garfield, Patron Saint of Taxidermy. Etc.
Special dispensation from parallel-parking.
Pants are always optional. Always.
We brake for taxidermy. Also chocolate. And phantom Sasquatches.
Never stand if you can sit. Never sit if you can lie down.
We all get our own pony.
Cadbury mini eggs are available year round.
And none for Gretchen Weiners.
You may decline on the gravy, or give your gravy as a charitable contribution to those less gravied.
Christmas is a mandatory onesie day.
No one leaves the house until all cookies are eaten.
All orphaned pygmy hippos will be adopted, and named George.
On the sabbath, excerpts shall be read from “The Phantom Tollbooth.”
Take care of each other.
Never take advice from someone with bad eyebrows.
The go-to phrase for asking anybody to hold something shall invariably be, “Hold my poodle.”
Everything comes with a side of pancakes.
No observances during the Zombie Apocalypse.
Whosoever believeth in me shall be confused all the days of their lives.
FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOIS. THIS IS CAMP. GET TOUGH OR DIE.
Depression lies.
Red dresses are sacred.
Bloggessians may be taxidermied upon death and kept in the family home. Keeping them fashionably dressed is a must or you may be haunted by them.
The only weapons we believe in are books and we believe in heavily arming everyone.
Mandatory Cupcake Monday
Taco Tuesday
Saturday is now Caterday.
Time is a “wibbly wobbly concept” and therefore deadlines are portals that must be avoided unless we’re okay with being trapped in a rift.
Bloggessians can decline social events without guilt for any reasons related to their heads getting in the way.
Celebrate the awkwarding.
Never let anyone be awkward all alone.
Remember that thou art as special and irreplaceable as the people you love most.
Keep the Victor in thy prayers and do not succumb to the wrongness; forever and ever or until the gravy runs out.
Wine shall be an acceptable beverage at all hours of the day.
Everyone should be owned by at least one animal.
Naps shall be mandatory.
Members of the church can still be members of any other religion or lack-thereof, but membership into the Double Unicorn Success Club is automatic.
Spiders must ask permission before entering a home.
All members, male and female alike, shall have their own tiaras.
Inappropriate giggling is always appropriate.
Share your successes. Share your failures. Share your booze.
No icy cold weather allowed. But sometimes snow.
Our biggest tenet is David Tenant.
One can NEVER have too many towels.
Above all things, we strive to be furiously happy. If that doesn’t work, wine slushees usually will.
The official religious sacrament offerings are tiny cakes made for squirrels.
If a llama is within ten feet of you, then you can try to ride it if the llama is into it. If you’re feeling extra religious you may wave a flag. (Pirate flag is suggested.)
Tithing is expected. It is also expected that you spend all of your tithing on ridiculous things that you would never buy for yourself except now you have to because it’s a religious requirement.
(INSERT YOUR COMMANDMENT HERE.)

These commandments might seem contradictory, but that’s fitting because being contradictory is also part of our (dis)organized religion.

Everyone in the Church of Bloggessianism is given an official title when they feel they are ready for that level of responsibility. “Strangeling” is the perfect beginner title for all neophytes who don’t yet know what unique title they want to settle on. Once you’ve decided that being weird is a good thing you are officially a Strangeling. Then, once you’ve eaten a good slice of pie, or watched a zombie move, or accomplished something a grown-up should have to do, you become qualified to choose any title that best fits your personality. Right now I’m Jenny Lawson, Notorious Lion Whisperer. I’ve already picked out my business cards. Here’s a helpful chart if you need suggestions picking a title (or page down to have one randomly assigned).

Or if there are just too many options you can use this clever thing my brilliant friend made us:

The Random Title Generator for the Church of the Bloggessianism

(My randomly assigned title today was Dreadful Overlord of Ermine Canon. I approve.)

If you’d like to commemorate your title (or bestow a title to a special someone) you can customize this card with your title. The official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Card is printed inside. Any profits raised by the church will go to buying taxidermy and helping homeless children, but a basic tenet of the church should be “No helping homeless children if you don’t want to” so you have full permission to just print this out for free yourself. (PS. The coupon code TISTHESEASON gets you 60% off that card this week.)

Now go out and be awesome.

May peace and gravy follow you the rest of your days.

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Free booze.

August 3, 2010

in blogging about blogging again, I am totally overrated, Random Crap, The People's Party, Titles that will attract drunks., You're invited

Dear internets, it’s once again time for my mandatory Blogher post. I’ll make it short, I swear.

If you aren’t going to the Blogher conference, no worries. I spend most of my time hiding in my room or in a public bathroom so technically you could just hide in your bedroom at home and simulate the whole thing. Except that to make it a true experience you need to share one bed with several other girls and you have to pretend that you’re always happy and that you never have to poop. That’s basically the whole conference. Plus booze. Also, my roomie Laura and I were comparing all of the private parties that we didn’t get invited to and we decided that we would host an imaginary private party so that when you see people tweeting about some awesome party you weren’t invited to you can make them jealous with your own personal party tweets and we will totally back you up. If you claim to see me throwing flaming furniture out of a hotel room inexplicably filled with rare Brazilian lizards I won’t deny it because that’s pretty much exactly the kind of thing you expect to see at #vaginapalooza10. You’ve just been invited. No vagina necessary.

If you are at Blogher then come find me because I spend most of my time alone in bathrooms. I’m co-hosting the People’s Party again this year but as usual I probably won’t see the inside of the party and will most likely be in a bathroom outside of the party hanging out with the irresponsible people who didn’t RSVP on time. On Friday I’m doing “performance art” at the Kirtsy party and popping into the Serenity Suite when I get too overwhelmed. Then Saturday I’m speaking about when it’s okay to lie (summary: It’s not) and then Saturday night I’ll be at the Volstead and at the SexIs party at the Warwick. (Both of those are totally open to non-blogher attendees, btw. No RSVP necessary. Just come if you want.) As always, I will be a mess and cannot be held responsible for anything that I say or do and I apologize in advance for whatever ill-advised thing I convince you to do. Honestly, I don’t know what I was thinking.

Also, every year I wear a confidence wig (or two) because I’m scared of people and it helps me pretend that I’m someone else but this year my friend Karen insisted that I need to stop wearing confidence wigs because I need to just be myself with my own bad hair but I’m pretty sure she’s just saying that because she’s never had bad hair but I’m taking her advice and this year I’m making a compromise.

CONFIDENCE PONYTAIL.

Baby-steps, y’all.

PS. I just did spell-check and it told me that “Blogher” isn’t a real word but that “#vaginapalooza10” totally was. Awesome. Spellcheck’s totally coming to the party.

Comment of the day: In order to compensate for not being a cool BlogHer type lady I’m going to spend the weekend pooping as much as I possibly can. ~ Erica

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