The Bloggess

Four years ago this very day I decided to give away 30 copies of my books to people who maybe hadn’t been able to pick one up yet.  I gave them out quite quickly but then lots of other people were like, “I WANT TO GIVE BOOKS TO PEOPLE” and suddenly people were buying each other books and sharing their favorites and adding to their lists of what to read and listening to others about what book they really HAD to read this year and it was fucking incredible.  Honestly the only thing that would make it better would be if we all had otters to bathe, but I can’t provide otters so it’s BYODO.  (Bring Your Own Dirty Otter)  That gives us something to aim for in the future, I guess.

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We called the whole thing “Booksgiving” and have celebrated it every year since and this year is no exception.  SO.  Here’s what you do if you want a book.  Make a brand new wishlist with the one book that you want (and make sure that you assign a shipping address to it because otherwise it won’t work) and leave a link in the comments.  I’ll pop in and send a copy of Furiously Happy, or Let’s Pretend This Never Happened or YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds to 30 lucky people.

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If you’ve already read all of those then feel free to chose a different book.  Depending on how much I have left (the books are different prices) I’ll try to send other books as well.

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The only rule is ONE BOOK PER PERSON ONLY ON YOUR LIST, with the exception being if you have a child and want to add a book for them too.

If you want to share your favorite book you’ve read recently in the comments that would be awesome.  Or if you wrote a book and want to pimp it out then go ahead.  And if you want to buy a book anonymously for a stranger just check through the comments.  A few books I’ve really loved this month are My Sister, the Serial Killer, The Woman Inside: A Novel, and The Hazel Wood.

Click here for a quick run-down of how to make a new wishlist (Don’t forget the step about adding your address to this specific wishlist!) and when you’re done just leave a comment with a link to your wishlist.  (If you don’t live in America just add that info in the comment so it’s easier to search for people in your area).  Make sure that the book you select is available for Prime shipping and isn’t from a 3rd party seller or a used bookstore because those can’t be shipped to wish lists.

If you decide to gift someone with a book just find a wishlist that has a book on it and buy it.  When you check out select the person’s wishlist address or registry address (You’ll just see their name and city, but not a whole address for privacy reasons).  If they don’t have an address they forgot to add it so delete the book from your cart and try another.

Now, let’s go book shopping!  (PS. This is the best pick-up line in the history of the world.)

You know when you realize a friend has stopped “liking” your stuff on social media and you wonder if you’re fighting and just don’t know it and more time passes and you get obsessed and want to ask if they’re mad at you but you don’t because it’s fucking ridiculous but it still bothers you and then you realize that maybe you’re accidentally ignoring other people’s statuses because Facebook isn’t showing them to you and maybe there are other people thinking that you’re mad at them but you’re totally not and you want to tell them that but you can’t because you don’t know who they are and then you think that you’re probably accidentally fighting with LOTS of people but have no clue whatsoever who or why and you wish you could put a status on Facebook that says “Are we still friends or do you hate me – circle yes or no” but you don’t because you’re not in 3rd grade anymore but your brain is totally still in 3rd grade so you just continue to obsess about these terribly quiet fights you are having that are also possibly imaginary?

This is what it’s like in my head all the damn time.

You don’t always get to see Rolly on my feed because she’s our only pet who doesn’t like to dress up in costumes but she’s always behind the scenes and has a special talent.  You know how some cats can tell when someone is about to die and they’ll lay on their bed until they pass?  I know some people think it’s because they’re empathetic and can tell they’re needed but personally I think it’s more likely that that cat wants to eat you and can recognize that you’re an easy target.  That being said, Rolly has this strange ability to know when I’m feeling really sad.  She carries mouthfuls of cat food around while loudly meowing for me and accidentally spitting out the food in a trail behind her and when she finds me she’ll drop the cat food on my lap or in my shoe and look at me expectantly and I have to pretend to eat it or she’ll get her feelings hurt.

It’s both sweet and also a little insulting because she thinks I’m bad at being a cat and can’t fend for myself, which is really pretty accurate now that I think about it.

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When I’m sad she drops mouthfuls of damp cat food on my keyboard and pets my head. We don’t deserve cats, y’all.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Feb 4, 2019 at 12:45pm PST

I don’t have an ending to this except to say that if you struggle with mental illness you need to go out and get yourself a whole posse of rescue pets because they are magic and will remind you that sometimes what you really need is to be gentle with yourself.

So if you follow me on instagram you know that when I’m stressed out I embroider because stabbing things thousands of times with tiny needles is great therapy and keeps me from stabbing assholes who probably deserve it since you’re not allowed to stab people even if it’s only lightly in the leg with a fork (according to my therapist).  I usually buy the patterns on etsy but a bunch of people were like, “You should make your own pattern” so I did and yesterday when I was in the waiting room to see my shrink another patient looked over at my work and was like, “Oh.  Well that’s…oh.”  And I’m pretty sure that’s code for “You can go in front of me because clearly you need more help” and so I explained, “It’s a dead raccoon who lives with me” and then she nodded and said she’d left something out in her car and I’m guessing that it was her sense of whimsy and artistic appreciation because personally? I think it’s some of my best work.

So I just opened a box of bra I got in the As-Seen-On-TV aisle at the drugstore and it came with a surprise class action lawsuit inside and now I’m questioning all my life choices.

PS.  Victor say you can’t say “box of bra'” and I disagree because I’m totally saying it and you say “box of rice” or “box of macaroni and cheese” so if you buy a bra in a box it’s a box of bra.  This is all basic common sense and I think he’s missing the bigger point, which is that I think I just entered into a binding legal  agreement with my own underwear.

PPS.  Annnnd I just noticed that the picture I took was in Spanish because I’m an idiot.  In my defense though it makes about as much sense as the English version: