The Bloggess

Okay.

So.

Wow.

Turns out it’s really hard to write about emotional things and even harder when they involve someone you love whose privacy you want to protect.

If you read my last blog post you know that the last few weeks have been really awful for our family.  You also know that I can’t share details because it’s hard when things live forever on the internet and unfortunately there are still stigmas that linger today.

One day I will write about it though because it’s important.  And because I have been flooded with emails and DM’s from people who could read between the lines and have been through the exact same thing.  And they think they’re alone because they don’t share the details because they also want to respect privacy.  And that’s wonderful.

And terrible.

It’s wonderful to respect the people we love and protect them from the world.  It’s terrible that so many people are struggling.  It’s wonderful to know that we are not alone…that it’s something SO, SO many families deal with.  It’s terrible to know that so many of us battle this in the terrifying quiet of our houses.

One day, perhaps a few years from now, I’ll write about this.  Maybe with the help of the person I love.  I suspect this will be a very long story one day, and one that may help others.  I hope by the time I write it I will have more answers than questions and less fear and doubt in myself.  I hope that last week is the worst week of my life…that it gets better from here.  I hope…no…I know that every day is a step forward and a new opportunity.

Here’s what I’ve learned that I can share with you:

1.  Depression in me doesn’t always look the same as depression in you.  Seemingly happy, outgoing, successful people can have it.  And it can be really confusing and painful to them because it presents in such strange ways that they don’t realize that they’re dealing with it until they are in a dangerous state of mind.  Depression in kids can look different than depression in adults.  Depression in extroverts can look different than depression in introverts.
2. Everything you’re dealing with that you think is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone?  It’s happened to people you know and love.  It’s happening now.  You are not alone.
3. There are amazing tools available that can make an incredible difference.  Medication, therapy, etc.  There are brilliant people who will rescue you who want to help.  You may not know them yet.  You will meet them.  They will save you.  And you will save someone else.
4. People are fighting much harder battles than we know.  Be kinder than you have to be.
5. There are bad resources.  There are bad hospitals or doctors or therapist or tools.  There are good resources that are bad for your particular needs.  You will go through these as you look for help.  It’s okay to say, “This isn’t right.  I deserve better.”  You do.
6. Communication is important.  Love is necessary.  Compassion and laughter are key.  Cheesecake is great.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Doctor Who reruns are medicinal.
7. It is a gift to take care of someone you love.  It is exhausting and terrifying and guilt-inducing and it is the greatest gift I’ve ever been given.  Reach out to the people who love you when you need help.  I promise you they want to help.  And if they don’t understand, call the suicide hotline.  They can help.  They’ve helped me.
8. It’s okay if you make a mistake.  We’re born to make mistakes.  Keep trying.  It’s going to be okay.
9. You’ll get through this.
10. You are not alone.

Today is the first day in a long time that feels normal.  I think (I hope, I hope) that we’re on a good path.  My family is safe and this morning we ate breakfast together and laughed.  We have each other and I’m so grateful for it.  I’m grateful for you too.  For listening…for understanding…for being there.

I’m crossing my fingers that the next blog posts will be back to the silly and irreverent ridiculousness.  I’m ready to get back to normal…or as close to normal as I’ve ever been.  I think we’re on the right path.

Thank you.  I love you.

I don’t have a good graphic to add here so here’s a video of Hunter S. Thomcat doing a hurtfully accurate impression of me:

View this post on Instagram

Catspreading.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Jan 23, 2019 at 12:26pm PST

So many of you have reached out because you’ve noticed I’ve gone missing for a week on social media and that’s never happened before. I’m so sorry I worried you.

This week has been the hardest of my entire life.

I’ve struggled with what to say because I don’t know what to say.  I am an open book and I write everything, but this isn’t just my story and I want to respect that.  I’m afraid of doing harm by sharing it.  I’m afraid of doing harm by not sharing it.  I don’t know the answer yet.

Here’s what I do know.  Today I feel terrified but so much less helpless than I did at the beginning of the week.  There are good people who are doing important work to help.  I have more knowledge and insight than I had before.  I have guilt and fear.  I have hope.

Perhaps one day soon I’ll be able to share all of this with you.  Or maybe not.  But either way, please know that I welcome your prayers or white light or thoughts of love for my family.

There is one thing that you can do for me.

Reach out to those you love and tell them how important they are to you.  Tell them that if things seem bleak and hopeless that you are there to tell them how necessary they are.  Reach out to the shiny, happy ones too…and the strong ones…because so often they are the best at hiding the pain they feel until it is too late.  Hold your family tight.  Ask your children how they are.  Then ask them again how they really are.  Listen to the things said and to the things unsaid.

If you are struggling and think that your life is not important, please trust me when I say that you are so wrong.  You are so important and there are people waiting to meet you and find the magic in you.  Please reach out to get help.  Do not trust your lying brain.  And know that the darkness you feel can be conquered….sometimes over and over again…and that you are special and unique and your brokenness can lead to a kind of empathy that will save the world.  Don’t deprive us of that.  We need your magic.  We need you.

I love you.