The Bloggess

Not a real post, but still awesome

April 8, 2014in Random Crap

Hi. This isn’t a real post but I’m posting it anyway and so I think that makes it a real post. Unless you’re epileptic, in which case you need to leave now. It’s for your own good. Come back tomorrow when I write about something less likely to make you fall down.

Okay, see the video above? Open it to full screen and stare at the center of the video for the full minute that it plays. Then immediately look at your hand. Then bring your friends over to watch it and when it ends say “Never mind the video. What is wrong with your hand?” Then back away and tell them that’s exactly what people’s hands look like right before they morph into a werewolf.

Or not. Just a suggestion.

Watermelon is the secret code word

April 6, 2014in I am totally overrated, Random Crap, weekly reruns

Whenever I’m at large events and I’m asked to write my name on those “HELLO, MY NAME IS” stickers I instead write “Watermelon is the secret code word.” Most people just look at me like I’m off and avoid me. Some people (usually the ones in large, boisterous groups) loudly yell “Secret code word for what?” and I just say “I have no idea what you’re talking about” and walk away. But a few people (usually the same people hiding in corners, or drinking so they have something to do with their hands) will hesitantly come up and whisper a single word. “Watermelon.” And then I nod and smile like we know a secret the rest of the world doesn’t and I quietly say, “You’re in. Welcome aboard.” Then they usually smile back – happy and slightly confused – and walk off with a little more confidence, knowing that they’re part of something bigger. Bigger and ridiculous and utterly insane.

Those are the best people.

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And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

“Watermelon is the secret code.”

What you missed on the internets:

Kick-ass stuff I pinned.
I was concerned about how many people are struggling this month (including myself at times). I’m feeling better today. I hope you are too. (But if you aren’t, you are not alone. Keep fighting. We need you.)
Very proud to be nominated.
Swagbucks readers chose Let’s Pretend This Never Happened as their book club read for this month.

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by A Life Less Frantic (which is something I can get behind because if my life was less frantic I’d run out of Xanax much less often.) If you click right here you can get a totally free pdf copy of her book, Your Best Year Yet. Free. Just because she knows that readers here are full of awesome. You win. Go check it out here.

Because if there’s one thing we need more of in my neighborhood, it’s fire.

April 4, 2014in Random Crap

“Excuse me, ma’am,” said the nice looking man wearing a yellow construction jacket at my door step. “We’re just going house to house to let everyone know that the city will be doing work on your block for the next few months so you might see blockades and construction. We’re having to work on the underground fire-lines in this neighborhood.”

“I…wait…what?” I asked, (extremely articulately).

“Apparently the fire lines in your neighborhood are extremely low in pressure and so we’re going to have to dig up the pipes to fix that. I know it’s a hassle, but it’s a safety precaution,” he explained.

I stared at him. “I appreciate the concern, but why in the world would we want bigger pipes filled with fire under our houses? That seems the opposite of safe.“

He paused for a second. “Oh. No. Fire lines are just the water lines that lead to your fire hydrants. I just call them fire lines because they’re used to put out fires.”

“Oh. Well, in that case, shouldn’t they be called anti-fire lines?”

He considered it for a moment and then pointed out that we call fire hydrants “fire hydrants” even though they don’t shoot out fire and that by my logic we’d have to call them “anti-fire hydrants”.

I conceded the argument to him, but then he handed me the work notice notification and I pointed out that the subject line was “Neighborhood Fire Flow Improvement Project” and that that implied that they were improving the flow of fire through my neighborhood. Then he looked at the paper again and said, “Ma’am, I just work here.” And I apologized because I know he’s only following orders, and he said not to apologize because it was the most interesting conversation he’d had all morning and that he’d bring it up with the fire department, as he was sure they’d enjoy my points just as much as he did.

I suspect he meant that he’d have a “You guys won’t believe what this crazy-ass lady I met this morning said” kind of conversation, but who knows? Maybe it’ll start a whole “anti-fire hydrant” movement. Although that sound more like a movement to destroy all fire-hydrants, rather than a conscious choice to use descriptives more appropriately. Which is maybe why they named them fire-hydrants to begin with. Dammit. I think I just proved myself wrong and I don’t even know how.

Either I’m getting stupider or movies are getting more complicated. It could be both.

April 2, 2014in BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN

I am a giant fan of psychological terror, which is weird because you’d think someone with anxiety disorder wouldn’t be able to watch it. I actually really enjoy it, although I absolutely cannot watch dramas because they freak my shit out. I suspect it’s because I know that zombies and ghosts and demonic chainsaws aren’t something I’m necessarily going to have to worry about in real life so it lets me purge some of that nervous energy in a way that I can separate from my real worries. Put something on tv about kidnapping or guns or cops or terrible things that might actually happen in real life and I run for the Xanax. I even had a massive unexpected trigger from the second season of Sherlock, which was so bad I can’t bring myself to watch the latest season even though I adore that damn show. It makes no sense, but it is what it is and I adore a good horror flick that makes me think. Or even a bad horror flick that makes me think.

Last week I watched WE ARE WHAT WE ARE and I was so confused at the end I had to go on Facebook to find someone to talk through the symbolism with me. Turns out, no one really had a full understanding but it was fascinating to see all the different perspectives, including one I hadn’t even considered but which I now think might be entirely right. You can go here to read the thread if you’ve seen the movie.

A lot of people said that they too were the only ones in their house who would watch horror and many suggested we start a horror discussion group where we all watch a movie (preferably on Netflix since most of us have it) at the same time and then discuss it. I thought that was a very good idea for people who were more organized than me, but then this weekend I watched Devil’s Pass and ended up all over the internet looking for more information and then today I took a break from writing to watch what I thought was going to be a simple zombie movie but ended with me having to research quantum theory (Thanks, Pontypool). In all three situations I ended with one simple question…”BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?”

Also, I don’t have a ton of time to devote to watching horror so I’d love it if people who liked the same kind of horror as I do could give me recommendations because it sucks to waste the two hours a week you might have alone on a shitty movie. This is why I think this needs to happen. We need to have a “BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?” club. Supernatural horror, twist endings, scary movies you have to watch twice to get all the meanings, cannibal movies that I’m probably reading too much into, foreign horror that you don’t quite understand, remade horror that never should have been remade, and classics that withstood time or should that be burned immediately.

I totally want to do this. But I’m also really busy with my book so I need to find a good way of doing it. We could do it on twitter and live-tweet while we watch, but that really puts a lot of spoilers out there. We could do it here and people could comment if it isn’t too massive (which it probably wouldn’t be since it’s a really specific genre lots of people hate). Or we could do it on my Facebook page and that way you can vote up good comments. Or I could just shut up and watch this shit myself and remember that IT’S JUST A DAMN MOVIE AND DOESN’T HAVE TO MEAN ANYTHING (as Victor so often reminds me). Thoughts? Suggestions for good horror that leaves you thinking about it for days afterward?

(UPDATED: March 4th ~ WE ARE NOT ALONE. A few hundred people are in, so I think this needs to happen. But I don’t know how at the moment because I’m working under deadline so I’ll get my shit finished and then figure out the best way to do it. I love you people. Never change.)

Day = made

April 1, 2014in I am totally overrated, Random Crap

I kept getting strange emails and tweets from people who said they’d seen me at Emerald City Comic Con yesterday but were too shy to say hi. And that’s weird because I’m usually the shy one, and also because I’m not at Emerald City Comic Con. And I wondered if my evil doppleganger had appeared, or if I was accidentally astral-projecting.

Turns out, I was not. But? Next best thing:

The red dress. The curlers. The obsession with Doctor Who. This woman is possibly more me that I am.

Never change, internets.

I’m not even sure who the enemy is anymore.

March 30, 2014in Random Crap, weekly reruns

Yesterday I was an hour late for an appointment because Victor changed the time on my clocks to be correct, even though he knows I intentionally refuse to “spring forward” during Daylight Savings Time because that’s the way I silently protest having to wake up earlier than ever. I realize it’s a silent protest that affects no one, but I just can’t bring myself to re-set my clocks, because that would be like admitting that Daylight Savings Time is right. Instead I keep my clocks the same and just remember that it’s an hour off, and then a half-year later when time changes back I’m like, “That’s right, asshole. I waited you out and YOU changed. I didn’t. I WIN AND YOU LOSE. AGAIN.” And then I laugh maniacally and Victor shakes his head because he doesn’t understand the importance of celebrating victories against inanimate objects or ideas. And that’s probably why he got so defensive when I yelled at him for reseting my car clock without telling me and making me late, and he was like “It’s my fault because I fixed something that was broken?” and I yelled, “YOU CAVED TO THE MAN, VICTOR” and he said “YOU CAN’T FIGHT TIME MOVING FORWARD BY SIMPLY IGNORING CLOCKS.” And he might have a point (one deeper than I care to admit at the moment) but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still exhausted from the time change and that I don’t understand why Daylight Savings Time is still relevant in today’s world. If anything, I think we should have Daylight Savings Week, where we set the calendar back a week every six months so that everyone can catch up on TV and get a one week extension on all deadlines. Victor pointed out that this would totally fuck up the calendar, but I countered that we could just fast-forward through September each year because most people hate September anyway. If I was President this would totally happen. And also I’d give tax breaks to people who are kind to animals, or who use their blinkers correctly. Double tax breaks for people who take dogs for car rides just for fun, or who gently shake the world for the better, or who invent new kinds of cake.

Victor says if I was President the world would turn into anarchy in the first year.

I think Victor is seriously underestimating me.

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And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

“Say ‘no’ to bullshit” poster. Perfect for college dorms or very laid-back workplaces.
Technically this is work-related so I think it’s tax-deductible. A clipboard for all occasions. This one is double-sided.

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

Puffer-fish handbag. WANT.
Speechless.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by SilkWords, which is like a choose-your-own-adventure story, but with less death and more adult erotica. Today you can check out a new story for free. It’s quite fascinating, but I can’t help but think that most of my real choices would be “Stay home and eat a bag of tator tots” or “Laugh inappropriately during the 0rgy.” This is probably why fantasy stories are better. Speaking of which, when I first saw the banner for this story I was like “Is that dude vacuuming? Wow. That is kinda sexy” but then I looked closer and turns out it’s a whip. I like the vacuuming idea though. “Make the shirtless man vacuum while you eat Doritos.” I would totally choose that every time.