Honestly, I’m feeling more motivation than I have in a long time and I am taking advantage of that to catch up on a million good things that need attention and one of those is the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club, which is keeping me sane and helping to support Nowhere Bookshop during these weird ass times.
If you’re a member you’ve already gotten emails from me about this month’s book but in case you’re an honorary member, it’s Mrs. March: A Novel, by Virginia Feito. (And the copies being sent to you have bookplates signed by the author as a special thank you!)
I devoured this book in a single sitting and loved it. I’m not sure what genre I’d put it under. Mystery? Psychological thriller? Like if Shirley Jackson, Patricia Highsmith and Alfred Hitchcock had a threesome?
Here’s the summary:
“In this astonishing debut, the venerable but gossipy midcentury New York literary scene is twisted into a claustrophobic fun house of paranoia, horror, and wickedly dark humor. George March’s latest novel is a smash. No one is prouder than Mrs. March, his doting wife. But one morning, the shopkeeper of her favorite patisserie suggests that his protagonist is based on Mrs. March herself: “But . . . ―isn’t she . . .’ Mrs. March leaned in and in almost a whisper said, ‘a whore?” Clutching her ostrich-leather pocketbook, she flees, that one casual remark destroying her belief that she knew everything about her husband―as well as herself. Suddenly, Mrs. March is hurled into a harrowing journey that builds to near psychosis, one that begins merely within the pages of a book but may uncover both a killer and the long-buried secrets of her past.”
I just read that Elizabeth Moss (Mad Men, Handmaid’s Tale) has optioned it to play Mrs. March in an upcoming movie so you can read this book and feel very smart when the trailers come out next year and you can breezily say, “The book was better.” Not that I know the book will be better but really, the book is almost always better, isn’t it?
I’m opening up the discussion for last month’s book, The Sunset Route by Carrot Quinn over on the Fantastic Strangelings Facebook page but if you hate Facebook you can always leave your thoughts here. I’ll leave mine in the comments. (And as always, there are no rules to book club so don’t worry if you haven’t read it yet. The discussion threads stay open and honestly most of us are just book-loving lurkers.) And if you’re a member you already got an email inviting you to hang out with me and Carrot tomorrow night on zoom (Thursday) so drop in and hang out in your pajamas while we visit. (If you’re a member and for some reason didn’t get the email check your spam filter. If you still don’t see it just email orders@nowherebookshop.com and we’ll fix you up.)
A month ago I was in a really dark place mentally and couldn’t get out. I considered TMS because it’s worked before (for about 9 months each time) but I didn’t have the energy to commit another 35 hours in the chair so instead I decided to try psychedelic ketamine therapy for treatment resistant depression. I wanted to write about it as I was doing it but I was…wait for it…too fucking depressed to make words work. That sounds ridiculous but it’s also ridiculous that our whole lives depend on brains that are basically just electric meat so maybe we should all stop being so judgey.
I finished my 6th ketamine session a week ago and today I finally feel like writing. And that is a very good sign. Want to know about how I got super crazy high to be moderately less sad? Of course you do.
I wish I could say that I was one of those people who went into full remission but it really just pulled me out of my super bad stupor and back into my normal, clinically-depressed-but-vaguely-functional self. It’s the difference between clinging to the couch and being too tired to breathe versus having enough energy to stand up in the shower. For those of you without depression who can’t relate, it’s like the difference between having a collapsed lung or having a really annoying head cold. But instead of it being obvious to everyone around you it shows up in your brain and hides so incredibly cunningly.
There are a ton of different types of ketamine therapies or practices and they each use different ways, methods and dosages. Some do it IV and some do injections. Some give you anti-anxiety meds that help keep you from disassociating and can also keep you from remembering some of the trip. Some couple the ketamine with talk therapy to help you recover from trauma and some put you in a dark room by yourself. Each clinic seems to think the other clinic is possibly doing it wrong and that’s probably because this is all still a bit experimental so if you’re thinking about doing it I suggest asking someone you love to help you find the right place for you because chances are if you are depressed enough that you’re considering paying hundreds of times the amount you would have paid for the same drug you could have gotten at a rave in 1992 that you maybe don’t have the energy to fully investigate all of the places near you to find the right one.
I chose a clinic my shrink recommended. They believe that the disassociation that can come with ketamine can actually be really helpful (rather than a bad side effect) because it can allow you to separate from yourself to view yourself more realistically so they don’t give you anti-anxiety meds unless the disassociation bothers you. Instead of IV ketamine they give injections into the muscle of your arm because they think that causes less nausea and the last thing you want when you’re super tripping on hallucinogens is to be projectile vomiting. They also gave me anti-nausea meds before each shot, which was nice.
So how does ketamine work? I’ve no fucking idea. Seriously. I just know that a lot of studies have shown it helps treatment-resistant depression, chronic pain and migraines. I have the first two so I thought I’d try it. The treatments weren’t covered by insurance but I could use my HRA and they cost about $300 each. (Prices vary A LOT by clinic.) Mine was on the cheaper side because I didn’t need talk therapy since my depression is chemical rather than trauma based. You typically get 6 sessions over two to three weeks and after that you can get touch-up sessions once every three months or so.
My first session. I’m put into a soft recliner in a small room. A tv shows videos of the aurora borealis and ocean creatures while pan flutes play. A laser-light thing straight from Spencer’s projects blue waves on the ceiling. The nurse gives me a shot of ketamine and leaves me alone but she assures me that she’ll be watching me on the camera and there’s a panic button I can hit if I need anything. I’m totally fine and I wonder how I’m supposed to spend a full hour being bored in a room. 5 minutes later my body has melted and I have entered another dimension. 10 minutes later the nurse comes back to give me another shot of ketamine and I try very hard to act like I’m not high at all and probably fail miserably.
I am off my face entirely and suddenly a (good) memory from 20 years ago that I thought was entirely gone came through as clear as if I was reliving it. The world separates. My mind explodes and I feel incredibly calm and flat, like my mind is sedimentary deposits under a river. Life and death seem removed and less scary. I suspect I’ve died and I’m concerned but too high to do anything about it. I hear a noise, like the sound of a jackhammer in slow-motion. There’s a growl under the world. I wonder if I’m hearing the mechanics of the earth turning. (I will hear this same noise every single session. Later I asked the nurse and she told me that about half of her patients say the same thing. That they hear a noise they’ve never heard before and that they can’t explain. Like explaining the color blue to someone who has never seen it. I ask her what it means and she shrugs, but in a very comforting way.)
I feel myself flatten out into one dimension and it’s so strange that I pull out my notes app to write this down but my fingers are now two feet long and spellcheck corrects what I try to write (“I am a flatness”) to “I am fat ass” which is not nearly as profound and slightly more insulting.
not a condom
The hour passes and the nurse comes in as I am starting to become slightly more three dimensional. She asks if anything came to me when I was having the session. “I don’t know why silent letters exist?” I say. She nods. “And I felt like I went on a trip to the afterlife in my mind. OMG, IS THAT WHY THEY CALL IT A PSYCHEDELIC TRIP?” I am a dumbass but they’re probably used to this. She gives me a giant blue vomit bag in case I feel sick on the way home. I carry it out to the waiting room where Victor is waiting to drive me home and he says, “Um…where did you go and why would you need that big of a condom?” I go home and sleep like the dead, which is actually a really nice side effect.
The next day I feel about as terrible as before but I did clean up a dead bug that’s been on the floor of my office for a week and that feels like a positive sign. And also a sign of just how exhausting depression is when I’d rather just walk over a dead beetle for a week rather than sweep it outside.
This is where I would write about my second trip, where everything goes really, really bad and I fall in a k-hole of existential dread but this is getting long and I’m a little tired so how about if we make this part one and I’ll share all the rest next time?
Also, if you’re currently considering ketamine and that last paragraph scares you just know that if you (like me) have the type of anxiety that makes you have a bad trip they can give you anti-anxiety meds that makes it so much better. That’s what I did after the second session and it made a big difference for me. (Spoilers. Sorry.) Also, I was way too out of it and exhausted to record anything of my first sessions but by the last one I was able to do some actual videos so that I can walk you through step by step because if you’re anything like me, seeing how it all works beforehand makes it very much less stressful. Of course, before I got used to the ketamine (as used to it as you can get) I did make a series of weird videos where I am trying VERY HARD to appear totally in control because I wanted to be like, “Whatever. I totally got this.” Upon further reflection (and review of these videos) it is clear that I do not in fact got this.
Case in point…this video from my third session after my first 60 mg shot but before my second 60 mg shot.
Also, I have to say that I am VERY proud that I never went live on Instagram while high but I do have to apologize to my friend Maile who received a lot of video messages from me while I thought I was having psychedelic breakthroughs and profound thoughts while I was actually just ranting about octopuses.
I’m still alive. And…better? I think. It’s hard to tell for certain but I know you worry when I go missing so…I’m here. And I can’t tell if this is a positive and hopeful post (because I tend to only write when I’m feeling better and so it’s good that I feel up to writing this) or if it’s a depressing post (because it’s basically just me giving proof of life) but I’m leaning toward the first. And I do have lots to write about but I don’t quite have the spoons to finish anything I’ve started. I promise I’ll be back soon.
I am feeling almost back to my normal depresso-expresso self (low energy but with bursts of normalness) rather than the super dark unable-to-fuction-as-a-human stuff I was swimming in, so YAY FOR SLIGHT IMPROVEMENTS! Also, spellcheck is telling me that “normalness” is not a real word and I am going to agree because I think we should normalize the fact that normalness is not really attainable because we are all unique. Excellent accidental therapy, spellcheck.
And speaking of therapy, I’m supposed to be focusing on positive things that make me smile because that’s supposed to help the ketamine therapy and that’s why I’ve spent the last 20 minutes on instagram looking at ferret videos. FOR MY HEALTH.
And I think you probably need a health break as well so please step into my office so I can show you the tiny videos I saved just for you. You deserve it.
I woke up today feeling almost sort of normal so I am very quickly going to write this before the world stops working again. Forgive the typos.
I am now halfway through the ketamine treatment for depression and it’s just as strange as I expected it would be. I will eventually write a whole post about everything but my depression has made it hard to think and my motivation and energy levels have been too low to do it justice, but I can say that the first session was weird as hell, the second was slightly awful as I fell into a k-hole of existential dread, and the third was really quite lovely. Supposedly you don’t really feel a difference in your mood until your 4th session so the fact that I feel about the same (with a promising bit of energy though today) doesn’t really mean anything. But I’ll keep trying. Hope is always there.
In other news, I am very behind on opening up the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club discussion for last month’s book, The Chosen and the Beautiful by Nghi Vo, so I’m opening up discussion here and on the Fantastic Strangeling Book Club Facebook page. As always, there are no rules in book club and you can feel free to read as quickly or slowly or pass the books off to friends or hoard them like dragon’s gold.
And in case you missed it, this month’s book is Carrot Quinn’s The Sunset Route. And it’s not too late to join and get a signed membership postcard if you want in. Just click here to sign up.
I’ve got a lot to write about but I’m still in a depression and it’s made me into a small damp rag. If I had a normal amount of energy I would have written about my first ketamine session for treatment resistant depression on Friday and about how it was weird as hell but may have given me a few hours of lightness (or was just coincidental) and how this afternoon I’m doing my second session and feel hopeful that maybe it will help. So feeling not great, but still cautiously optimistic.
And if I were more myself I definitely would have written earlier about this bit of amazing news:
Seriously, y’all. Established 2019. Finally fucking opening our doors for good (knock on wood) 2021.
We’ve had a few sneak peek Saturdays before but as of two minutes ago we’re oficially open to the public 10-6 Monday – Saturday. This would never have happened without your support. Your emotion support, the support of the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club, the amazing work of Elizabeth Jordan and the fantastic team at Nowhere who I adore and a ton of amazing indie bookshops who have helped in countless ways. Thank you forever.
Technically today should be a grand opening but I’ve always said that I would never go to a grand opening myself because that sounds too peopley so instead we’re going to have a series of bland openings throughout the year and that way you don’t have to worry about missing out and can come whenever you want.
Can’t make it to San Antonio but want to be part of the fun?
WE HAVE YOU COVERED.
Limited edition Bland Opening shirts and hoodies are available now and will ship next month. There are a ton of colors and types and I’ve personally ordered one of each.
And to celebrate I’m giving away Nowhere Bookshop gift cards in the comments. Just leave a comment telling me why you love bookstores or what your favorite book is or anything at all and I’ll randomly select a bunch of you to get $25 gift cards you can use at the store or online. Whoop!
They’re not wearing masks here because we’re all vaccinated but we’ll all be in masks when the doors are open. Better safe than sorry. 🙂 We’re not opening the bar yet but if vaccinations keep going up and cases keep going down that will be the final part of the equation and then I will toast you all with a glass of red wine with ice in it because that’s how I roll.
Come when you can and experience all the amazing surprises we have waiting for you at the store. We’ll be here.
The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”. Often irreverent, always honest.
Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.
Wonder and Joy for the Wired and Tired: Feeling wired, tired, and stretched too thin? You’re not alone. Re-ignite your sense of childlike wonder, joy, and well-being with this enlightening and entertaining book by Dr. Pam Stephens Lehenbauer, well-being thought leader and author of the blog, Mother Nature’s Apprentice.
Stuff and Thangs from Xanaru: A mostly funny stuff about my quest for happiness through stories, art, friendship, Great Danes, one naked weirdo alien cat and indiscriminate swearing.
How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.
Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic
