The Bloggess

So between my immune-compromised body and the fact that the injections I take for my RA make me very susceptible to infections that means Victor, Hailey and I are now four months into very strict social distancing. We’ve learned to cut each other’s hair and we wave to the grocery delivery person through the windows. Hailey takes music lessons on zoom and attends virtual camp. The fine arts high school she auditioned for accepted her this year but she’ll be doing online learning until things are safer. We are very, very lucky to have the ability to sequester ourselves so fully but it’s still hard.

Once a week we sneak over to the bookstore after everyone else is gone (our doors still aren’t open, btw, but we are doing curbside service if you’re local and need distractions) and we work and decorate and read and bring home books to keep us company. Victor pointed out that being locked in an abandoned bookstore seems entirely my sort of heaven and he’s completely right but I explained that it’s a bit sad and bittersweet and that I wished I could transport my sister in an astronaut suit so she could be here safely and I could show her the store even though it’s still not finished. And he was like, “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED” and I assumed he was insane but then a week later Lisa showed up at the store.

IN ROBOT ARMOR.

Sort of.

Basically he contacted Technology One and they were awesome enough to mail us a robot for the day so that my family could “walk” through the store with me and we could visit and feel *almost* normal. If you can feel normal talking to your robotic sister (and niece and dog) who’ve dialed in from California to be in an abandoned bookstore that might also be haunted.

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Quarantine life: When you miss your family so much that you end up inviting your sister to visit your bookstore as a robot. (Swipe through for more videos. Details on my blog.)

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Jul 16, 2020 at 12:49pm PDT

These videos are already outdated because our amazing team has done a ton of work lately but I’m still sharing it so you can see the progress. And in a week or two I’m planning on doing a non robotic livestream just for you where you can watch as I explore the store and show you some of my favorite things and you can shop live if you like. (Still working out the kinks so check back for details.)’

(Giant thanks to Technology One for letting us play with one of their robots, which was strange and wonderful and the closest thing to a family reunion I’ve had in far too long.)

If you’re a regular reader you know that I only do sponsored posts once in a blue moon and only for the few companies I really love myself. I’ve written about eShakti before because I LOVE their clothes and the fact that almost all of their dresses have pockets, but when they contacted me recently about a sponsored post I was like, “Yeah, but the only thing I’ve been wearing lately is masks” and they were like, “Dufus. That’s exactly what we have.” I’m paraphrasing. What they actually said was that for a few months their factory ran with limited capacity and only made masks provided to civil workers on the frontline and other non-governmental organizations. They got no revenues but they were able to make a difference. Now they’re able to offer clothes again but they had such a huge response from customers asking for their masks, so…they pivoted. So now you can buy their clothes or their masks, or both. And they continue to give a free mask to charity for every mask they sell because they’re awesome.

They sent me a whole bunch of masks which I shared with family and friends who needed them and I kept a few for myself because I love them. And they’re giving out gift cards to four of you so you can buy masks or clothes yourself. Just leave a comment and you’ll get an email with a gift card code if you’re randomly selected. (I never sell or share your email address.)

So what kind of masks do they have? Honestly, you just need to look because there are so many fabrics and styles and features it’s sort of insane, but in a good way. There are different features to choose from, like neckbands so you can take the masks off easily, or adjustable earpieces, pockets for filters, nose wires to make them fit better, and they use a UV tunnel to sterilize the masks before they’re shipped out.

Plus, when I wear the bandana masks I feel like an old fashioned train robber.

So. Stay home if you can. Wear a mask if you can’t. Social distance. Wash your hands. Take care of yourself and others. It’s what makes the world go around.

Victor: I don’t even know why I’m asking this but why are you cutting up pantyhose?

me: Remember a few weeks ago when I was having sex with my cantaloupe plant?

Victor: Yep, and I just remembered why I don’t ask questions.

me: Well, it totally worked and now I’m a mother!

Victor: I think technically you’d be a father, but yeah, I know. You show me pictures of your cantaloupe every day.

me: This is the new me. Four months of not leaving the house. I’ve become that woman who takes beauty shots of her single cantaloupe.

Victor: Still not sure where the pantyhose comes in.

me: Well, last night that fat raccoon was in the backyard-

Victor: The one you tried to pick up because you thought it was a stray cat.

me: It was dark. Hailey thought it was a cat too. IT WASN’T JUST ME.

Victor: *sigh*

me: Anyway, I read that sometimes raccoons will cut a hole in your canteloupes and scoop out all the meat so I’m wrapping it up with panty hose. Raccoons hate pantyhose. Probably.

Victor: Huh.

me: It feels weird though…putting lingerie on the plant I already impregnated.

Victor: Yeah. It’s…weird.

me: I mean, the order. Not the pantyhose. That’s pretty brilliant, I think.

Victor: *silence*

me: Also, I saw these tiny webs on the leaves and the internet says that means it’s probably aphids so I just ordered 2,000 live ladybugs.

Victor: What.

me: Because ladybugs eat aphids like crazy.

Victor: The same ladybugs that fly away immediately? Those are what you bought?

Me: Yes, BUT apparently if you put them in the fridge when they come in they get cold and lazy and that way when I release them they hang around longer. So don’t open any bags in the fridge unless you know for sure it isn’t bugs.

Victor: *internally weeping probably*

me: Also, I bought a tiny house for ladybugs to live in. So that’s good.

Victor: This is going to be the most expensive cantaloupe anyone has ever grown.

me: Which is why I have to wrap it in pantyhose so the raccoon doesn’t get it. You get me now?

Victor: Not even a little.

Last week Victor found an old VCR and we watched our wedding video for the first time in 24 years. It seems like it was yesterday. It seems like it was a million years ago.

Today we’ll eat hummus and light sparklers in the backyard and rewatch Hamilton as Hailey and I try (and fail) to not loudly sing along and Victor tries (and fails) to act annoyed with us.

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24 years ago today.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Jul 4, 2020 at 10:06am PDT

FYI…James and Jennifer are our legal names. I assure you, this is us even though we both look like we’re 12.

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We both considered smashing our grocery store wedding cake in the others face. We both reconsidered. We both laughed at each other bc we knew what we were thinking. This is exactly our marriage today, 24 years later.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Jul 4, 2020 at 10:22am PDT

Even in lockdown I’m feeling very lucky today.

Here’s to cake and blind optimism and cake.

And to 24 more with any luck.

Are you a member of the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club? Because if you are today we are opening up the discussion on June’s book, THEY DID BAD THINGS, by Lauren A. Forry:

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I was never in a real book club. No one asked me to be in one and that was for the best bc I’m a bit hermity and I don’t like to leave my house. But I always wanted to be in one and I hoped that at least a few people would join The Fantastic Strangelings Book Club when I started it even though it’s all just online and there are no deadlines on reading the books. There are now a few thousand members, which I can’t even wrap my head around. We’ve had Q&As with authors and did ridiculous and wonderful zoom meetings with @bitchesgottaeat and @thissielomas. This month I picked a book (so dark and distracting…I think you’ll love it) but the publisher wasn’t really prepared to have sold an unexpected few thousand extra books (which is a wonderful problem to have) right out of the gate but they were so excited that they created a special printing just for us…and when you look inside, this is what you see. It’s probably dumb but I cried when I got my copy today. I’m still hermity and I still am too anxious to join a book club that meets in real life but we’ve created our own bizarre community that is lovely, and fun and is making a real difference to authors during a time when it’s harder to be an author. It’s also sustaining @nowherebookshop and our team even when we can’t open our doors. All this to say, I’m feeling pretty fucking lucky all things considered.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Jun 14, 2020 at 12:03pm PDT

Did you read it? Did you finish it? Wanna talk about it? ME TOO. I’ll open a discussion thread on the Fantastic Strangeling Facebook page in just a second so we can discuss there but you can also leave your thoughts in the comments here if you don’t do Facebook. As always, there are no deadlines and the posts stay open forever in case you don’t get to it for a few months.

Also, today I’m announcing the book for July. (If you’re a paid member you already get my ridiculous emails and this isn’t news for you, you lucky in-the-know weirdo.)

It’s Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moleno-Garcia and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I struggled a little with this choice because we’ve had a few dark books in a row and I like to jump around to different genres but this book was so haunting I just couldn’t skip it. SO GOOD.

An isolated mansion. A chillingly charismatic aristocrat. And a brave socialite drawn to expose their treacherous secrets. . . . 
  
From the author of Gods of Jade and Shadow comes “a terrifying twist on classic gothic horror” (Kirkus Reviews) set in glamorous 1950s Mexico—“fans of classic novels like Jane Eyre and Rebecca are in for a suspenseful treat” (PopSugar).

We won’t ship it for a week or two so don’t worry if you’re still working on this month’s book.

Also, we’re having a zoom book discussion with this month’s book author (Lauren A. Forry) tomorrow night so if you want to join just check your emails from me and it’ll give you all the info. It’s a special free perk for paid members and I think we still have spots left so RSVP if you want to drop in.

And, as always, if you want to join the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club you are so very welcome. This book club is literally sustaining Nowhere Bookshop as we still haven’t opened our doors to customers. We can’t wait to see people in real life at the store, but we are so incredibly lucky to be able to keep our team and our community safe and working and reading. Click here to join!

Want some updates on Nowhere Bookshop?

So, Nowhere Bookshop remains in that strange liminal space where our doors aren’t open to customers because the plague won’t go away and we don’t want to contribute to that, but we’ve had a lot of local San Antonians ask if they could pick up books from the store so this week we’re going to try out no-contact curbside service. Like, you order and pay online and then call us when you’re at the store and we make sure no one is around and then run your books to a table outside the shop and then when we’re safely back inside you can run up in your mask and grab your books off the table and speed away like you’re doing some sort of wonderful book heist. It’s basically the most introverted sales experience ever and I sort of think we should keep that option forever. Click here for details if you’re local. And we still ship everywhere if you’re like me and don’t ever want to leave the house again.

This weekend Victor and Hailey and I went to the shop and worked while it was empty and I can’t even tell you how many amazing books are there. And tarot cards and stuffed animals and socks and automatons and art and cards and bags and socks and OMG, Y’ALL. I want to do a live feed soon walking through the store with you because it is kind of magic already even though it’s still not really finished.

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Stopped by @nowherebookshop to install Antelope Boleyn and do a little work while it’s empty. So many good books. Hailey did a test run of story time for an invisible audience of children and it was awesome.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Jun 21, 2020 at 4:09pm PDT

Poor Elizabeth is feeling Victor’s pain as I sneak bizarre stuff into the store and do ridiculous things that make her probably question ever agreeing to work with me. Like this series of messages I just sent her:

She didn’t quit though and was totally okay with the art because she is good people and also because there is no sense in arguing with me. (Also, the mouse is reading “Of Mice and Men” because of course she is.)

One other thing that I want to do with the store is have little quotes written around on the walls and behind books and in places you might not expect. They’ll be small and semi-hidden…like finding little messages from ghosts…and I’d like them to be either quotes from books or about books. Some will be written on tiny squares of paper and slipped into books. Some will be written under shelves so only tiny children see them. Many will never be found but I sort of like that. Here are a few of my favorite quotes about reading but I need a lot more so will you share yours? Any wonderful quote from or about a book that stuck with you that you want to share with the world.

“If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking.” 
― Haruki Murakami

“It is what you read when you don’t have to that determines what you will be when you can’t help it.” 
― Oscar Wilde

“If there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.” 
― Toni Morrison

“Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.” 
― Neil Gaiman

“I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.”
― Jorge Luis Borges

Suggestions?