The Bloggess

Lots of weird but interesting stuff

May 3, 2020in Random Crap, weekly reruns

It’s Sunday so that means this is a good place to put all the stuff that doesn’t fit anywhere else, like:

ONE

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened has a new cover and it’s adorable. This means that if you have the older version it is officially a collector’s item.

TWO

My friend Dylan’s wife made a Rory mask out of a t-shirt and it is magical so people asked me to make one in my zazzle shop and so I did and honestly it looks terrifying and I cannot stop laughing. The good thing though is that if you wear it you probably will keep people more than 6 feet away because it looks fucking crazy. (Also, it feels gross to make money off masks so if there are any profits they’ll go to the food bank.)

THREE

Speaking of terrifying, last month we did an optional bonus book for Fantastic Strangeling Book Club (The Southern Book Club’s Guide to Slaying Vampires) and several of you were like, “If you liked that you’ll love HORRORSTÖR, by the same author” so I bought it and I’m only halfway through but you were totally right so I’m doing it as this month’s bonus book if you want to join me.

If you want in you can get the book anywhere but if you want to help support Nowhere and other indie bookshops you can buy it through our portal here.

(And in a few days we’ll start the discussion for this month’s book and announce next month’s official book. YAY FOR DISTRACTIONS!)

But first….time for the weekly wrap-up:

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Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

The most terrifying mask that ever existed

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by StoryWorth, who I super love.
From them:” These days it’s more important than ever to stay in touch with your loved ones. If your phone calls with family are starting to sound repetitive, StoryWorth is a great way to prompt meaningful conversations. Once a week for a year, they’ll receive an email with a question about their life. All they have to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. After a year, their stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!” For real, I’ve done it for both my parents and it is fantastic. Plus it’s a really good distraction. Click here and you’ll get $10 off.

It’s okay to not be okay

April 30, 2020in Random Crap

I feel bad that I haven’t written anything funny here in awhile. I know you can tell that I’ve been up and down but I think that’s pretty common for everyone going through this. I have a million things I want to do but having the right mindset and energy to actually accomplish them is something entirely different.

So instead of funny I paint and I create and I decoupage and clean. And I draw. Sometimes it’s the only thing I actually accomplish. Sometimes I can’t even do that.

But that’s okay. The only thing you have to accomplish during this pandemic? Is surviving. Keep breathing. Keep looking for light. Keep laughing whenever you can. Keep forgiving yourself and remembering that this is a weird ass time that no one really knows exactly how to live through. If you are reading this, you are still here. You are winning.

Here’s a drawing for you. You can print it out and color it or ignore it or burn it or send it to a friend. There are no rules. Just like in life.

It’s a gift for you, really

April 28, 2020in important stuff

I almost never do sponsored posts on this blog because I hate reading them on other people’s blogs so I only do it if it’s a product that I truly adore and think you’d love too. I’ve written before about StoryWorth so if you’ve been around long enough you already know that I use it and love it myself. But if you’re new here or need a refresher, here you go.

StoryWorth is a wonderful company that will email you (or someone you love) an inspiring story prompt once a week for a year. You (or your loved one) will just email your response back when you have time. You can keep your stories private or share them with others. And at the end of the year StoryWorth puts it all together as a memoir bound in a hardcover book. It’s crazy easy and it makes an amazing gift to yourself or to others. I used it on past Father’s Days and Mother’s Days and now I have two beautiful books filled with amazing stories that my parents loved sharing and that my sister and I and our kids loved reading.

If you want to read some of their stories you can read a few of my dad’s here or my mom’s here. I wish that I’d sent one to my grandfather before he died or my grandmother before her dementia got too bad, but I’m so lucky to have the stories my parents shared about their parents and that’s almost as good. And this year I’m buying a subscription for Victor because his grandparents may not be around to tell the stories we loved hearing over and over but he is here…and he has those stories in his head that can still that can be recorded. They are bloody and ridiculous and hilarious and sad and wonderful and contain more than a few unsolved mysteries that still haunt us, but it is not too late to preserve those stories.

If you’re looking for a great gift I cannot recommend StoryWorth enough and you don’t have to wait until it’s gifted to you. You can use StoryWorth to write your own memoir. Honestly, I got to go in and pick the questions sent to my parents every week and some of the prompts were so good that they inspired some of my own writing.

And right now if you click here you can get $10 off so it’s only $89 for one of the best books you will ever own. (And yes, you can buy extra copies of the book for grandkids or other family members. I’ve bought a ton of copies to share with family.)

It’s a lovely distraction when we’re all stuck at home, and another nice thing is that each week when your loved one sends in their response you’ll get a copy of their email so you can see what they’re writing about and ask them about it and suddenly you have something fun to talk about on your phone calls, which is really nice during this time when no one is really able to do anything worth talking about.

So if you want in just click here. I honestly cannot recommend it enough, especially since you may think you have no good stories but then suddenly you’re reminded of the time your grandma dug up a corpse and took it home for Easter and then you realize that maybe you do have some stories after all. You do. I promise.

PS. Tell the weird stories. Let the skeletons in the closet come out. Share your memories. Even the hard ones are treasures, I promise.

Distract me

April 26, 2020in Random Crap, weekly reruns

If you’re anything like me you are fairly desperate for good podcasts to make you forget your own thoughts exist, so today let’s share. Here are the podcasts that are my new best friends as I walk into the kitchen for the 80th time today to forget why I went in there. Also, when I need real distractions I want dark, weird or funny and so I realize that my list is severely lacking in inspirational or educational or good-for-you stuff and there are a lot of great podcasts out there so in the comments will you tell me what is getting you through right now and then maybe between us all we’ll build a balanced diet of words to do laundry to?

Here’s my list of current faves:

Sidedoor of the Smithsonian

The Jungle Prince

Supernatural with Ashley Flowers

The Dating Game Killer

Strange Year

Lore

The Memory Palace

Radio Diaries

Rusty Hinges

Whatever Happened to Pizza at McDonald’s?

This is Love

This is Criminal

Beyond Bizarre True Crime

Wooden Overcoats

Lore

Pretend Radio

Love and Radio

Ear Hustle

Reply All

This American Life

My Favorite Murder

Okay. Your turn.

But first….time for the weekly wrap-up:

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Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Lately I’ve been playing a lot of solitaire with a raccoon.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Godtliv, who I love in real life. From them: “Stressed out and stuck at home? Godtliv brings a spa day to your door. Our CBD-infused artisanal spa products are designed to engage the senses, ignite the spirit, and soothe the soul. Crafted with USDA-certified organic hemp extract and free of synthetic fragrances, dyes, and preservatives, our products are as effective as they are luxurious. Our signature kit, Godtbox, contains everything you need for two to four spa experiences. The themes and fragrances change seasonally, so there’s always something new and they make great gifts or daily self-care routines. (Don’t forget…Mother’s Day is just around the corner.) Explore Godtliv and receive 20% off with code LAUNCH20.” Check them out here.

The creepiest tour of my house

April 22, 2020in Random Crap

Hey. This isn’t a real post but I thought you might enjoy.

Recently the Yorkshire Museum had a curator battle where they challenged museums to post the #creepiestobject in their collection on twitter. And it was fantastic and a million people sent me the thread because they know I LOVE creepy and so I decided to share a quick tour of some of the #CreepiestObjectsInMyHouse. So just click here, select “show this thread” and page down to see the whole thing.

My favorite thing about this (aside from the responses of people who were clearly not prepared for the amount of bizarre flotsam covering every square inch of my house) were the other people sharing the creepiest things in their houses. For example:

How is this not a novel?

So today, tell me the creepiest thing in your house. Or share it on twitter.

Also, no, I have not found the missing doll. And this is a true story. I keep it in the guest bedroom closet with all of my cremated pets and a few other dolls that are too unsettling for display and she is gone. I would have sworn that I shared a video of her before though so maybe you can find that? I’ve looked though and I can’t find the doll or any images of her. She’s in a doll bed and you wind her up and she twists around like she’s at an exorcism. I asked Hailey and she was like, “These are the only dolls that have ever been in that closet” so I’m pretty sure it’s somehow possessed Hailey. Send holy water.

Welcome to the quicksand.

April 20, 2020in Random Crap

I’m not sure if it’s depression or just life catching up but I’ve been having a lot of quicksand days. Those times when you feel like you’re moving in slow-motion and things that should take 10 minutes for a normal person take hours for me. I look at emails I need to respond to but then I don’t because I don’t have the energy and that feels shitty because who doesn’t have the energy to fucking email? And then Victor gets frustrated with me because he has a “touch it once” philosophy and he doesn’t understand my “touch it until it breaks and you hate everything” philosophy where you look at the email subject but don’t answer. And then the next day you open it but it seems exhausting so you mark it as unread so it won’t get lost. And then the next day you open it again and start a response but don’t send it and then it gets lost in drafts and then a week later they email you again to ask if you got the email and basically you start all over again.

Anyway, if you’re in quicksand too know that you are not alone and that eventually we’ll all come out.

Unrelated…I drew this for you.

Print it. Color it. Burn it. No rules, lovelies.