It’s fairly obvious that we’re related. Also, we deal with pain through laughter in our family. Stop judging me.

First of all, thank you to everyone for being so supportive about Barnaby Jones.  You made me  cry (in a good way) and I needed to do that.  It’s almost Sunday and I’m supposed to be writing my weekly wrap-up but I’m just not myself right now so I’m going to skip it until next week.  Instead I’m going to paste the emails I exchanged with my sister today because she made me laugh out loud about something I thought I’d never be able to laugh about and I think we could all use a little bit of levity after the single most douche-canoe of a week ever.  Also? Yes, I’m totally phoning it in here.  Stop hassling me.  I’m grieving, you asshole.

Emails from my sister:

Lisa: Barnaby Jones Pickles dies and I have to find out through facebook?!?! What has this world come to??

Me: It is kind of ridiculous that you found out that my dog is dead through facebook.  If you’d been following me on twitter you’d have known days ago.  You are a terrible sister.

Lisa: I think that the foxes in your neighborhood were really drug dealers and got him hooked on heroin and then they gave him some bad stuff. All so they can get closer to the house and rob you blind.  I mean seriously, did you ever teach him “hugs not drugs”?  I bet not.  Better teach the cat how to bark. Now at least I won’t feel so bad when Granny kicks the bucket and I tell you over Facebook.

Me: Don’t be ridiculous.  You know I never read your facebook updates.

Lisa: Next time instead of a dog, get a pet pig.  That way when he overdoses you can have pork chops instead of having to dig a hole in the backyard. The hallucinations from all the heroin he shot up will just be like a bonus.  WAIT A MINUTE! You actually buried him yourself and aren’t injured?  No missing toes from a not-so-well aimed shovel?  No rattlesnake bites?  I’m not buying it.  Barnaby Jones isn’t even dead, is he? This is all a ploy so you can convince Victor to get you a pig isn’t it?  Well played. May I suggest the name ‘Dr. Reverse Kevorkian’, then he can “magically” bring BJP back from the grave.  You can call him RV, because within a year he will be the size of a mobile home.

Me: I broke two nails pulling up rocks to make a deep enough grave but the ground is 95% rock and I guess I didn’t dig deep enough because THOSE FUCKING CRACK FOXES DUG HIM UP.  Then I spent an hour crying and running around my yard with a machete trying to murder vultures.  This is how I spent my Saturday. I called mom and dad to ask what to do and daddy said to dig him back up myself (um…no) and mom said to just let the vultures eat him like some kinda fucked-up circle-of-life Tibetan Air Burial.  WTF? Mom is the worst Atheist ever.

Lisa: Now I can’t get The Lion King’s “Circle of Life” out of my head. Thanks for that.  You have a freezer you know, just push the Toaster Pastries to the side and toss him in there.  The next time Mom and Daddy come down they can take him home with them and Daddy can stuff him.  I think he would look super cute in a tiny leather jacket, riding a motorcycle.  Oh, or Zombie Barnaby Jones!  So there’s my vote.  Oh, and now, I totally need some Toaster Pastries.

Me: I just looked up “how to dispose of a corpse” on the internet so now I’m totally fucked if Victor turns up murdered.  Hey, did you know that quicklime doesn’t actually destroy a body?  Because I do.  Now.

I’ve called 10 animal removal/cremation places and none of them work over the weekend.  This is like when you can’t find a plumber on a Sunday, except worse because my dog is dead.

Lisa: Evidently you aren’t supposed to off your pet on the weekends.  Did you try taking him down to Frank’s Bait and Tacos?  I’m sure they would know what to do with him.  I’m only 1/2 way joking here.

Me: Oh! And the cat knocked over Hailey’s frog tank and killed them all.  So I’ve managed to kill 3 out of 5 pets in 24 hours.  That’s like the worst record ever.

Lisa: So did the fish die because the cat knocked over the tank and ate them, or did they just reverse drown?  They always say that deaths come in 3′s, so you should be good.

Me: I think they reverse drowned.  The cat’s not hungry, just…sort of evil.  I found one of the frogs my bathroom and it was desiccated but intact.  God knows where the other one is.  I’m sure the cat is probably saving it to put on Hailey’s pillow because this week just hasn’t been shitty enough.

PS.  Now I’ll never eat toaster pasteries again.  Awesome.

Lisa: More Toaster Pastries for meeeeeeeeeeee! Also, without the ‘Pickles’ at the end, his initials were BJ, and I just now figured that out.

me: This is all getting blogged.

Lisa: Cool. It’ll be kind of like an obituary, but with more frozen goodness.  (For the record, I’m referring to the Toaster Pastries, not Barnaby Jones.)

Me: Noted.

150 replies. read them below or add one

  1. i’m so sorry for your loss. i dont care what anyone says dogs are like children. well better than children. WAAAAAAAAAAY better than children.

  2. To be the fly on a wall at your family dinners would be hilarious. And kind of creepy. Because eaves-dropping flies? Ew. That reminds me of the totally creeptastic Clay Aiken song (I think it was him) that was like “ohhh I want to be invisible” or some crap like that and that’s just weird dude. No one should get to creep on you. Unless you have cameras hidden in your walls and are on some messed up reality show and America laughs at and the world cries. But only then.

    Ania recently posted Dear Rose- Love Jack.

  3. My God. I thought you might be a black sheep of sorts in your family. Every one of you is alike!

    Missives From Suburbia recently posted One of Those Days.

  4. You have a very interesting family. Why on earth did CBS make Shit My Dads Says into a sitcom, but not your life?

    This is an outrage.

    Sorry, for your loss.

    Tony recently posted So…I got MacBook Pro!.

  5. I wish that when my cat died as a kid I’d had someone to have that conversation with me. If I had, I might not be as fucked up as I am now. Or more fucked up but in a better way. (I think either would be good?) But I’m glad you had something you could laugh at for a while. IT always makes it a little easier.

    Sono recently posted Tuesdays Anime Sampler or Thanks For 1-000 Hits!.

  6. Does your sister have a blog? Actually, never mind, I think if I knew she did I’d spend all damn day reading the stuff your family writes and laughing and crying. And you know how I feel about emotions.

    (I try not to have them.)

    Keely recently posted If Im lost I might be buried under zucchini- Random Tuesday Thoughts.

  7. I’m glad you got to laugh. It does help. (((Hugs)))

    Momma Trish recently posted Gadgets We dont need no stinking gadgets!.

  8. I want to be reincarnated into your family. Sorry if that sounds creepy.

    Caitlin recently posted It’s like a bad horror movie- only worse And theres no air conditioning in the movie theatre.

  9. Your sister is messed up. Kind of like all of us. I like her. Poor puppy, very sorry for your loss. Those silly pets get to us. If you want, I can ship you a mini dachshund with behavioral problems. He may or may not pee in your dining room.

    Michele recently posted I Love My Crazy Friends.

  10. I’m sorry. Not just because you lost your dog but because I feel guilty over laughing during that exchange.

  11. So sorry for your loss :( I love that your sister gets you – that’s a blessing!

  12. Thank God for family who is just as fucked up as we are

    Jenni recently posted Adventures in Moving.

  13. You blogging this means the healing has begun. Or you’re being sponsored by Toaster Pastries. Well played, Jenny, well played.

    And I’m bummed about quicklime. I didn’t have a Plan B. Shit.

    fuck yeah, motherhood! recently posted The Queerest Of The Queer.

  14. Family counselng

    Happyhourmary recently posted Wine Tasting Plaque.

  15. Pain through laughter is the best way, friend. Hang in there

    pgoodness recently posted Quick recovery.

  16. I wish you guys were my sisters. cause mine is a ubber heinous bitch who should be stabbed with a frozen pastry right before her Tibentan Air Burial.

  17. (Sometimes) Sisters are the best people in the world.

  18. When my husband buried our dog in the back yard, he, also couldn’t dig a hole deep enough. He turned a wheelbarrow over the spot and weighted it down with bricks…that was 3 years ago, and it’s still there. He’s since added little pieces of art to it too, so now it’s become like a shrine. Not as cool as your conversation with your sister…but kinda cool.

    Jen @ LitasWorld recently posted Blog Hop Friday.

  19. Your linkage of The Mighty Boosh is made of amazing.

  20. I hate to say this publicly, but when I had a miscarriage I told my husband on the way home from the Dr.’s office that our Christmas card was going to say, “Our baby died, so your Christmas will probably be better than ours.” and no one would ever give us shit again and we would get gift cards and casseroles and even though we were crying we had a Howard Stern moment that would have appalled anyone listening. And perhaps many reading it now. Sometimes it’s the only way to deal.

    Julie the Wife recently posted Its Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 39.

  21. Um. I love you pretty lady. And your sister? She should start a blog. In fact, you should start a separate site together. Because I don’t want you sharing the spotlight on this one.

    My cat keeps staring at my closet. It’s starting to freak me out. You just can’t control animals. They do what they want and control you. We need to find their sources of crack and take them down. Because the death rate is getting ridiculous. http://www.therealmandymoore.com/2010/07/my-cat-died-which-resulted-in-me.html

    I think I may take my own advice and become a reverend through the Internet. Shit, I have nothing better to do anyways.

    Also, I’m slightly drunk.

    MandyImnotfamousMoore recently posted Chicken is a model!.

  22. We just lost one of our dogs last month and I cried for two days So I totally know how you feel. I’m so Sorry you lost your dog. That email was awesome.

  23. I talk about reverse-drowning when discussing my pet fishes, too! I didn’t think anyone else used that particular made-up term. That made me smile big.

    (Also, bigbigbig, semi-awkward hugs to you, from this particular electronic stranger.)

    Miss B recently posted The Way Things Taste.

  24. Your sister should totally have a blog. Except two of you online might be too much awesome and the internet would die and we wouldn’t even be able to read about it on Twitter.

    Sometimes black humour is the only way to cope when things are rough. I had a rough week (although not as rough as yours, sorry) and the thought of you chasing vultures with a shovel made me laugh. (Again, sorry.)

    I do hope you can find somewhere dignified for BJP to RIP, asap.

    PS: Toni is so right about the sitcom, but I suspect a mini-series is inevitable once your book’s been published. Perhaps with the main roles played by taxidermied animals (too much?)

    Diane recently posted fallow.

  25. It’s good you’re able to laugh through this.. and your sister sounds as hilarious as you. :)

    Esther Crawford recently posted For The Love Of Shoes SPONSORED.

  26. OR! You could just go score some bad smack and spike porkchops with it (or any meat, really, but now I have porkchops on the brain) and scatter those over BJP’s grave. It’d be like when you leave food for the spirits because he was a heroin-addicted dog, so spiked meat would be the *perfect* tribute offering, and then the crackfoxen/vultures would eat it and die too. That would serve two purposes: it would keep them from exhuming BJP and also surround him with a little dead horde of minions, just in case the Egyptians were right about that shit. So you win, Zombie BJP wins, pretty much everyone but the crackfoxen/vultures win. And really, FUCK them, amirite?

    MFA Mama recently posted this story probably isnt worth the build-up- but damn it was funny- or maybe you had to be there.

  27. My heart broke for you when I read the news. You and Hailey and even Victor. I wish I lived some where close enough that driving was an option, because I’d come and give you the good drugs, take really good care of BJP and teach those fucking crack foxes what REAL CRACK actually does. (just kidding about hurting the crack foxes…we all know I’m a vegan!).

    Thank goodness for family! At least they know how to stuff things into the deepest freezers and keep them hidden behind toaster pastries while distracting you with bad Disney songs. Sisters FTW!

    nakedjen recently posted Forever ended Infinity goes on.

  28. 28
    LibraryGirl62

    We must be related. My little brother and I would totally have a conversation like that—and have—when our Dad died..oh crap…

  29. your sister sounds like total awesome sauce!

  30. and..I really want some of the heroin pork chops cause sometimes a girl just needs a little something to take the edge off and heroin pork chops would so do that :)

  31. All kinds of awesome!

    Mark recently posted Ice Cream Yes I do!.

  32. 32
    Wookiesgirl

    OMG.. First I will say that I am sorry about your doggy.. and the fish.. and the frog… BUT I laughed really hard reading this. I read it out loud to my husband and had to stop many times to wipe the tears from my eyes and catch my breath. You never fail to make me laugh!
    NOW.. In regards to the freezer suggestion your sister made: It reminded me of the time my son’s hamster “Britney” got testicular cancer.. Yes I said testicular cancer. Apparently Britney was a boy.. Who knew? Anyway, when the fluffy rodent finally died my son was away visiting family. We didn’t want to bury the damn thing until he was home, ya know.. .since it was his little shemale hamster. So we put him in some tupperware in the freezer. When he got home we told him the sad news. He was 10 at the time and asked us with the most serious, innocent face…”Where is Britney in the freezer? Did you put him in the box of chicken patties?” We just stared at him in shock…and then laughed really hard. “Um no son…”

    Kids! They kill me…

    Thanks for the post hon! *hugs*

  33. very sorry for your loss, but I can’t stop laughing since I read your blog!! ( in a good way too)…so I am crying too hahahahaha… YOUR BLOG IS AWESOME!! saludos desde Mexico!!…BJ RIP :( :)

  34. Jenny – I am glad you skipped your weekend update – I think a continuing tribute to BJP was perfect. If you had done the weekend wrapup I think it would have totally taken away from what has happened with your family.

    Sisters are the best. In sadness we can still smile – may you have many more smiles than days of sadness. But those that follow you will totally be ok if you ever need to take a BJ moment. Victor probably wouldn’t mind a BJ moment either – although a different BJ and for totally different reasons.

    God I’m sick….

  35. I love your family, can you please adopt me? I will bring toaster pastries and will hide all the bodies (all I need to know I learned from CSI Miami). You won’t be sorry. Sending virtual hugs, and vodka, and legally obtained prescription drugs.

    Kate recently posted 2bKate- So she wants a pic of my neighbor RT @mommygoggles- Im giggling that @MommyJenna asked me for a picture of a Asshat.

  36. Tell your sister that I love her. (You guys are hilarious.)

    And… *more hugs*

    Hi, I'm Natalie. recently posted Smoked In.

  37. Omg, Im totally a jerk face and I just got caught up on your blog. I’m so sorry! I’m going to hug my cats extra hard and have a beer in barnabys memory. Just so you know my cats are assholes and hate to be hugged. But I’m doing this for you.

  38. I’m getting you a bumper sticker that reads “My family is more fucked up than yours…” and I honestly never thought anyone could one up my dysfunctional family. Good Job !

  39. HA! That was brilliant.

    You made me feel better about the time my sister and I got booted from our step- Grandfather’s (is that a term?) funeral service for laughing at the Shriner passed out in the front pew.

    bschooled recently posted If you don’t hear from me for a while it’s probably because I got Snooki’ed.

  40. My sister(s) would be all “Dude, whatever get over it already. What color should I paint my nails?” Your sister is crazy. You are totally related.

    Janis @ Sneak Peek At Me recently posted Just Sayin Saturday- Let Him Be A Kid.

  41. Totally what sisters are for… :D

    Crystal recently posted Hiatus for a bit.

  42. New business venture for you and your sister: Funeral comic relief! You could totally hire yourself out to lighten the mood!

    Glad you got a little relief from the sadness…I guess your pets did not want to live in the country. Or else the cat is establishing dominance. Might want to watch out there.

    a recently posted Any Excuse for Cake!.

  43. When my (FINE, Mr. Motorcycles) dog died in November people tried to make me feel better by saying all sorts of kind things about what an awesome dog he was and how we gave him such an awesome life and sent me the saddest poem ever about a fucking rainbow bridge; it was awful. And then I was texting with a friend and mentioned that the discovery was made worse because he shit himself when he died and she said surely that was what he left me in the will and I laughed so hard I cried good tears. And then I laughed harder because I made Mr. Motorcycle clean it up because Harley always made it clear he wasn’t my dog.

    Anyway, my point is, I hope more people are disrespectful like your sister. And that you don’t have to read that damn poem about a bridge and some leprauchans at the end if the rainbow or some shit like that.

  44. damn, you’ve got a good sister. so does she.

    sorry about barnaby jones and all the digging and death you had to endure. barnaby’s okay tho, despite being dead. dogs are not stupid about death like we are. they can roll with it. we can learn from them. well, it’d be nice if we could, but yeah, no, we can’t.

  45. Crying and laughter, both great ways to deal with grief. Your sister cracks me up, and I’m glad she could bring laughter.

    Michy recently posted Blog Of The Day.

  46. Just look at it this way, 3 for 5 is a great record in baseball…

  47. Sorry to hear about the loss of your pet. It’s always difficult, especially when there are kids involved (although kids tend to be more resilient than their parents give them credit for… happened that way with my daughter when we lost a pet).

    Thank you for linking to the crackfox video though, love me some Mighty Boosh. Crack foxes are one thing, but at least it wasn’t Dante the racist badger… that guy is a total dick.

  48. I rest easier knowing that the crazy is genetic. I approve of your sister. Provided she is your sister and not just you instant messaging yourself like I used to do.

  49. That totally really really sucks. I’m sorry.

    Bridget recently posted Self Help.

  50. Your sister is pretty cool you know. Laughter is a good way of dealing with grief. Heaps better than the denial I’ve got going on.

  51. That was an awesome conversation about a really sad event. Also, I think the crack fox is gonna haunt my dreams for the rest of my life. That was the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen.

  52. your mom is spot-on with the tibetan thing. She’s no atheist she’s a Buddhist.

    call 24 hour emergency animal care sobbing saying you dont know what to do because your dog died. You’ll have to dig him up and take him in-> got any men around who can handle stuff like this? private cremation for me was about 200 bucks just so you know.

  53. I want your sister. I could use a sister. I mean, I have a sister, but she would never crack jokes about frozen toaster pastries and zombie dogs. She thought I was the devil incarnate when her cat died and she asked me to bury it so I shoved it in a plastic grocery bag, dug a hole, placed him in there, filled the hole back up and then jumped up and down on the grave. I was *packing* the dirt, not taking revenge on the damn pussy for pissing on my favorite mohair sweater. I swear.

    Anyways. I figure your sister and I would get along.

    I bet she wouldn’t mind if I stomped on her dead cat.

    Redneck Mommy recently posted Slobber Puss.

  54. when you post e-mail conversations you really should post ALL the replies concerning the subject (otherwise it is lying by omission miss lawyers’ son!) Versed in lehal counseling I would like to take this time to advise you to include Lisa’s LAST reply stating that “duly” or “dually” should ALWAYS precede “noted”.

    PS anybody whois anybody uses the brand Red Devil for any application where lye is to be used, since now we only make soap, Glory Bee lye works just fine

    PPS should always use “dually”, Lisa is a fuck up

    auldus recently posted this is only for two people.

  55. Your conversations with your sister make me feel better about the time that my family had a throwdown in a restaurant over the ingredients in human sweat, and how comparable they are to the ingredients in Gatorade.

    Val recently posted Entry 3.

  56. I am sorry though Jennifer (I loved that dogs foreskhead) he was a good dog for sure. And I almost forgot, the cats around here (especially the one who thinks her home is outside my bedroom window) Her name is Silver (Ag) and she doesn’t meow either.

    honest to goddess

    she croaks like a frog (nopun in ten dead) because it is one more the nine (which is how many lives cats have AND the exact number of wives it takes to kill a man) AND it is why when something tastes Oh So Good cats say “this is to die die die die die die die die die for” (again, nope on the un)

    auldus recently posted this is only for two people.

  57. Laughter is the best medicine. When my grandma died, I told my cousins that when people ask if there’s anything they could do, we should all say that we’re a little strapped for cash and see what happened. And what do you know? instead of crying, we were inappropriately laughing through her entire funeral reception. I think she’d have liked that.

    I think Barnaby Jones Pickles would’ve liked the idea of being in a refrigerator with toaster pastries. Which I just spelled as toaster priests. I can’t decide if that’s awesome or not.

    Overflowing Brain (Katie) recently posted Fear Itself.

  58. My mom used to work overseas when I was younger and while she was away working her cat of a bajillion years died. In my care. The neighbours said he had fallen out of a tree but seriously, since when do cats fall out of trees? I call foul play! Anyways, Mom was going to come home within three weeks of this happening, I didn’t know what to do so I called my gramma up and she said we’ll put him in her deep freeze for mom to bury and say good-bye since mom would be home so soon. We even made sure to write on his um…burial shroud that it was him (he was called Mickey Dic<— yes the cat was called that, mom was drunk on Vodka when she found him as a stray kitten. She dropped the K on Dick so it wouldn't look so obscene…) so we wouldn't confuse him with the Thanksgiving Turkey (in Canada we celebrate TG in October for those who don't know).

    It has been 11 years since this happened and I'm yet to live it down that I froze mom's dead cat.

    P.s. Barnaby Jones was the shit and I'm sad to hear he's gone.

  59. WTF is a douche-canoe??

    And lisa is a good sister for making you laugh after such awfulness.

  60. We joke about my grandma’s Alzheimer’s in my family because if you can’t laugh at a lady who doesn’t know who you are after 30 years, you have no sense of humor.

    Karen recently posted The Nerdiest Thing Ive Ever Done.

  61. You have the most awesome sister ever. I wish I had a sister, and that she was just like yours. Would you ever consider renting her out, you know, to only children like me who could use a little sibling stuff from time to time? Sorry again about your dog.

    Varda (SquashedMom) recently posted The BlogHer10 reflections of a very slow newbie blogger.

  62. Someone should draw a picture of a zombie Barnaby Jones eating toaster pastries with the big beefy rabbit that was in his face/head while they simultaneously give the finger to flying vultures and little frogs and fish swim in their drinks. I wish I could draw and send this to you, but if I did, it would be a stick with a larger stick and some other sticks. And some labels. Because you probably wouldn’t be able to tell what was going on otherwise.

  63. I’m letting you watch my cat the next time I go off for the weekend, because the CAT remained Unscathed!!! and I agree, after seeing the Tibetian Air Burial photo set that Guy Kawasaki posted & I think I wouldn’t want to watch my beloved dog torn to pieces by scavengers! You two are Funny

    yknot recently posted .

  64. Did you give the eulogy at my uncle’s funeral? I mean, seriously, how many other people have a “vulture machete”?

    kyknoord recently posted Space The final frontier….

  65. That is what sisters are for, to help you laugh through the pain. You’re lucky you have a great sister.

    Donna recently posted The Black Thumb.

  66. I hope that you don’t stick with your decision to never own another dog. My mom did that after hers died and it’s been years and she just won’t even consider owning one. But then she is always glomming onto my dogs and I can tell she really, really wants one. Sometimes losing an old friend is made a lot easier by making a new friend.

    LS recently posted Demand Media Isnt Profitable No Biggie.

  67. I love people that are as bizarre as me.

    Kristin recently posted Happy- Happy Joy- Joy its ICLW time!.

  68. I’m sorry about Barnaby Jones Pickles, I know just how sucktastic it is to lose a pet. It’s awesome to see that your sister could lift your spirits,even if it was only through a few emails. <3

    Dora recently posted Wordless Wednesday.

  69. I’m sorry about Barnaby Jones Pickles, I know just how sucktastic it is to lose a pet. It’s awesome to see that your sister could lift your spirits,even if it was only through a few emails. <3

    Dora recently posted Wordless Wednesday.

  70. Sorry about your beloved Barnaby! So sad :( But on a better note, you and your sister crack me UP!!!! Ahahaha!

  71. We must be related in some way. All my family are like you guys, apart from one sister who is possibly a zombie. Anyway lots of people laugh until they cry so crying until you laugh is fine.

    cathy recently posted I need to relax and spend more time with my kids- or maybe not.

  72. Are you sure you aren’t part of my family. Because that totally sounds like a conversation I would have with one of my cousins when shit goes wrong…

    In fact, I have a video of when my family gathered to spread the ashes of my grandfather. It was a solemn moment, at the most beautiful spot on our 90 acres…My aunt took her turn spreading the ashes off the rock, and just as she threw the ashes, a huge gust of wind came and blew Poppy all over us. My reaction was, “Shit, I’ve got Poppy in my eyes…ow!” but my cousin asks “Is it disrespectful to spit out your dead grandfather?” And we all started laughing. Please, don’t ask me why I videotaped it. I don’t have an answer for you…

    Laura recently posted Bad Blogger- Revisited.

  73. Shit forgot to untick the last blog box nd I haven,t posted for ages!

  74. I just tried to read this while drunk, but it’s too much for me. Also, I just watched Marley & Me. Barnaby Jones is a great dog name, and I’m crying thinking of how sad the world is without him. But I’m glad he peed on me tonight. Or was that someone at a bar?

  75. I agree, if The Bloggess and Her Equally Batshit Sister were to co-blog, the spike of awesomeness would be catastrophic and probably suck the entire universe into a vortex. Your loss is too terrible for words (I’m so sorry!) but your ability to still be darkly humorous is a gift to the interwebs. AND … your followers are part of your circle of life … I think somewhere in the Bible or Harry Potter or maybe The Revenge of the Pug it says this means the vortex loses its powers and we get to carry on reading about your crazy beautiful life.

    The Dalai Moron recently posted Crime Fighter Extraordinaire.

  76. Now I wish I wasn’t an only child. Your sister is nifty.
    What is it with house cats being vaguely evil? Ours keeps putting bits of dead birds on Master’s bedroom slippers. (The cat has a foot fetish.) But the cat hates me so I’m safe from bits of dead birds. I get live ones because he thinks I need hunting lessons. *facepalm* So, the point here is, if the cat does leave a ‘present’ it is a messed up walnut brained house cat way of showing love. Not that that is at all comforting.

    Lada recently posted Sexuality- Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome- and Me.

  77. –>Your sister is awesome. We deal with everything in our family with a touch of sarcasm and a lot of smart-assedness.
    Sorry again about BJP.

    WebSavvyMom recently posted Flashback Friday Part 67 - Join the Union.

  78. Is it messed up that this is the first time I read your blog and i am sold on a post about you dead dog? Sorry about that. Now I am going to eat a toaster strudel

  79. First, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’ve been thinking of you a lot.  Second, you sister is hilarious and I’m jealous I don’t have a sister. Laughter really does help sometimes. Hopefully this story will make you laugh too. It would make me feel better about the fact that I can’t hug you. 

    Years ago, our dog Amber died while my husband and I were on vacation. My husband’s bi-polar brother Dwayne was looking after the house while we were gone and he was totally beside himself with what to do. He was so determined to to a good house sitting job and well, this didn’t make him feel so confident anymore.

    He called a vet to see about burial / cremation and the cost made him decide to bury the dog in the backyard. Except the problem was we don’t HAVE a backyard; just a drive way on a lane. An interlocked brick driveway. Yeah. 

    So Dwayne worked for hours demolishing our driveway and digging a hole deep and wide enough for our lab / bloodhound cross. After what must have seemed like hour 100 in equally hot weather, the garbage truck came happened to come through the lane and Dwayne almost tossed Amber in. In retrospect, it would have been the better option. 

    He ended up putting Amber in the hole (desperately crammed is probably a more accurate description), filled it up again and replaced the bricks and spray painted a big blue cross over top as a grave marker. It looked more like an x though and really wasn’t necessary because the hole wasn’t tamped down very well, and it just got worse because our dog must have bloated in all the heat, and the grave heaved into a hill in the driveway. A hill with a big blue x. In the middle of our driveway. 

    So Dwayne had to call Chris and tell him what happened. He wanted to wait until we got home so he wouldn’t ruin our vacation, but there’s really no way to gently break the news when there is a hill with a big blue x in the driveway is there? What’s worse is we needed to park the car ON THE DOG for months to flatten the hill. 

    I hope today is a better day. XO. Karen

  80. Your family is awesome. Also I weep for Petmageddon that seems to be striking your home. I did have a mental picture of you as Valeria and BJP as Conan during the scene where she’s standing over him fighting off evil spirits, or in your case vultures, though. You were pretty badass.

  81. Huh. Maybe there is hope for me and my sister. You give me hope Bloggess!

  82. BUT at least when Hailey has to do that frog dissection in science class, she’ll be one step ahead of her peers. That’s a positive thing.

    Just trying to help here.

    Jules recently posted How My Blog Will Die A Slow Death.

  83. 1. I cannot BELIEVE what a terrible week you’ve had.
    2. I would watch a three hour movie of nothing more than you and your sister sitting in a room, talking.
    3. You really should write screenplays.

    kristin recently posted cookie monster caught!.

  84. If Barnaby Jones was truly a member of your family, this is the way he would want to be remembered and discussed. This is exactly the way I want my brothers and sisters to remember me.

    Fred Miller recently posted On Nietzsche.

  85. I am sorry you have had such a heartbreaking week. I cried my heart out when my little dog died 5 years ago and I still miss him. I’m trying to think of something positive to give you encouragement …

    Chasing vultures with machetes has got to be a cardio workout, so now you’re healthier.

    Also “Chasing Vultures With Machetes” would be a great name for a death metal song about a bad breakup.

    Betty Fokker recently posted A Little Slice of Delightfulness.

  86. Your sister sounds awesome. She knew exactly what to do to make you feel better. I hope this coming week is a lot better for all of you.

    Barbara recently posted Party like a Rock Star.

  87. Your sister is completely warped. That’s the best kind of sister to have.

    Call Me Cate recently posted Six Word Saturday.

  88. My family deals with loss the same way. I went out of town for a girls’ weekend when my husband accidentally let my elderly brain cancered dog out and she ran off, never to be found. I was devastated and looked for her for weeks. A month later I had to go out of town for a weekend to see some out of town friends and when I came home he told me that he lost his job. I told him that I wasn’t going to be able to leave town ever again because every time I do he loses something.

  89. I don’t even know what to say to this, except “Awesome, yet again.”

    And oh, I am still very sorry for BJ.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel recently posted Shopper of the Year Award.

  90. Ok good. Family support is important. I know this, because my family is incredibly supportive. Like that time after I married Husband #1 and called home to wish mom happy mother’s day and her phone was disconnected and i was all like WTF and my sister who lived in a frickin different country was all like oh she moved 3 weeks ago and i was like i just TALKED to her 3 and a half weeks ago she didnt mention it and sis was all like it musta slipped her mind and….

    …anyway, I am sorry that you have had a harrowing insane dawn of the dead kind of experience, and i could stay stuff about better off, in a good place, rainbow bridge, etc, but the truth is, you’ll miss the hell out of him and maybe 1 of the frogs, and you should grieve, and send your sister some frozen pastries in the form of a tombstone.

    XOXOX

    Rhonda Roo recently posted Employee Wellness.

  91. Your family is kind of awesome. I’m glad you guys have been able to laugh and stay (mostly) sane through all of this.

  92. So, um, does your sister have a blog? And minions? Like you?

    Because if you ever turned on each other, that would be the Most Awesome Battle Ever. Probably what Nostradamus *actually* had in mind.

    harmzie recently posted Things that make me happy.

  93. Y’all are 36 kinds of awesome! I wish I lived next door to you, except all the vultures and shit. Ew.

    Hugs to you on the loss of BJ. :)

  94. this sounds like the kind of conversation my brother and i would have. or my mom and i. or my husband and i. we have a very fucked up family.

    but it’s nice to know that we’re fucked up in the right kind of way. laughter really IS the best medicine.

    steph gas recently posted freedom of religion really.

  95. I agree with Natalie, whoever the hell you are, dogs are better than children. Yep is true, get over it people.

    I love your resposne to your sister where she bitches about finding out on facebook – if you followed me on twitter you would know – that is awesome!

    When my husband and I were on our honeymoon in May, his brother proposed to his girlfriend (now fiance), they called and texted, or so they claimed (lying bastards), we were away and unreachable, and then she posted it on facebook, which is how we found out the next week. Her update was “I’m engaged” so I meekly commented huge congrats, hope she did better than that total loser she has been dating for two years… yeah, I thought it was hysterical. My new in-laws, not such huge fans of my humour. Who knew?

    Brahm (alfred lives here) recently posted Mr Bean is funny- Chris Rock isnt- and other things I learned this week.

  96. I think you should have your sister on your blog more often. This cracked me up.

    SuzRocks recently posted Top OR Moments of the Week- This Week in CRNA School.

  97. a few things:
    *at least you buried your dog, my mom would flat out tell my pet had died and then she would just shove the little bastard in a trash bag. we could still pet it through the bag ,so that was a plus!
    * i don;t know what toaster pasteries are, but they sound fucking delicious!!!!!! also, im puertorrican, so we only use our freezer for pork, sofrito , our drug money, and the fetuses we aborted at 15.
    * in puerto rico we don’t have drug dealing foxes either. But we have the chupacabra, so we really couldn’t ask for much more. the drug dealing is left to a 14 year old named tito who also owns a dead pet disposal company.

  98. That’s phucking funny. You & your sister should take it on the road. Like a traveling god dayum circus, only with just 2 chicks without beards, and no animals. SO really not like a circus but you can call it a circus anyway so little kids can come with thier mommies and buy tickets to watch you & your sister go back and forth over serious life issues. Imagine how fun you could make learning about your period for little girls, or how fun you could make sex ed to teenagers. Y’all should think about a road show, seriously.
    And why every phucking time I come comment on your blog, your comment luv says this to me “No last blog posts to return” It KNOWS how bad my blog sucks and refuses to subject your other readers to it. I get it. I don’t blame it. I would probably shun my blog too. My last blog post was about farting in front of my husband and nothing since then. I wanted to leave it on a classy post.
    Anyway I will STFU and GTFO your page. Made me laugh as always. TTFN

  99. this will probably just make your week worse but I think I’ve developed a crush on your sister.

    ClevelandPoet recently posted The one that happened because of twitter.

  100. Email exchanges with my sister don’t result in funny exchanges like this, they result in me being in an office discussing medication changes.

    Because, I don’t have a sister.

    And correspondences with imaginary relatives make the natives restless.

    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted People Made Real.

  101. sorry about BJP. but dayum that was fucking hilarious. will y’all be my sisters via email?

    CessyG recently posted Saturday 9.

  102. I’m sorry for your loss, but in your grief, you may have missed the obvious … BJP suddenly dies, then the frogs are “accidentally” knocked over … and somehow, the cat MYSTERIOUSLY survives it all. I don’t know if there’s a pet CSI in your neck of the woods, but I’d be dusting BJP’s run for paw prints.

    /pictures David Caruso whipping off sunglasses … “Looks like there’s been ….. a CATastrophe!” “YEAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!”

  103. Are you and your sister, like, related or something? She sure sounds like it!

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted ♫ So Long- Fare well- sort of.

  104. Did I just write that? Whatever was I thinking?

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted Specteral Analysis.

  105. So yeah, this is going to sound creepy. It sounds creepy every time I tell someone this story. I have dreams sometimes about people and animals that are going to die or have died in the last few days, but I don’t know it yet. (Much, much worse are the dreams where I can tell you how people are going to die) I like to think I have a connection to the other side, but I’m probably just crazy. So yeah, I dreamed about your little dog last night. I was so confused in my dream cause he wasn’t my female pug dog, Taffy. (She died a few years ago)

    Anyway, so I get on here and learn about your loss. I’ve got the creepers now. But I think your puppy is happy on the other side, if that helps.

  106. Rest in Pickles, little dog.

    (Taking out list of questions that are too creepy to ask: Crossing out, “Do you have a sister?”)

  107. I still feel horrible that Barnaby is dead but your sister is pretty damn funny and I’m glad she could help you laugh at the situation. I like to laugh when I feel horrible too, but no one in my family does, so then it just gets awkward.

    Kendahl recently posted Need Extra Space Try the Space Saver!.

  108. I am sorry about your dog…and frogs. I needed some kind of warning for that scary video and since I am stupid and on my iPad which I can’t work, I don’t know how to make it go away!

    AmyBlam recently posted How an NYC shower stole my right nipple.

  109. I took your advice and tried to hug my cat. He bit me. I blame you. Or your sister. Your choice.

  110. Dude. I know someone who found out her grandma died through Facebook. Shitty suck world, you know?

    Sorry about your pup.

    William Stronghold recently posted Review- Using the Restroom at a Furniture Store in Central Michigan.

  111. Apparently you need a stronger prescription — not like you’ve ever heard THAT sentence before, eh? — so: TWO new pugs AND TWO new cats (to double-team Posey). Stat!

    Cynthia Yockey, A Conservative Lesbian recently posted In memory of dear Barnaby Jones Pickles.

  112. When my 16yo lab Rocky died New Years Day 2009, the ground was frozen. In CT. Burying him took all day. I had to hook up the garden hose to the hot water valve in the basement, then shimmy it out a window to the burial site in the yard. Then I had to keep the hose with hot water running on the ground outside so it would first melt through snow, then soften the ground underneath. It was so terrible. I was frozen and covered in mud. I could only shovel a little bit before I had to wait for more ground to soften. This pattern of shovel, wait, shovel, wait, etc took from morning until 5pm. Rocky was a large lab and there was a lot to dig. Digging was next to impossible and there was no place open that would come and get the dog. And I had to do something because my youngest son was 14 at the time and was hysterical crying. The dog died in his arms. The dog was older than he was and they grew up together. That was a really horrible day.

  113. There are two of you out there? I don’t think the world can handle that.

  114. I picture Barnaby Jones on a tricycle with extended forks, not a motorcycle, but that would probably land him a spot on Crappy Taxidermy, which could be your goal. I don’t know.

    califmom recently posted News Flash- Ive Changed.

  115. 115
    Jenny Ryan

    This blog made me want to A. Cry again for you. B. Laugh Out Loud and C. Barf… and I was eating my noodles and tofu lunch while reading this so that would have been awesome.
    Luckily I for all involved I was able to just keep it to B. Sending you more hugs lady!

  116. I’m really sorry about BJ and what you had to to endure afterward. It must’ve been just God awful. Since now you live in Westbumfuck, Tx weren’t there oodles of ranchy types somewhat nearby that you might’ve asked for help with him? If not that, even going into the closest VFD might’ve gotten you some help (when one of them was off duty). Remember, you’re in TX and most men would do anything for a crying woman, especially one that’s not their wife!

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Did I make the right choice.

  117. I’m with Natalie (#1)

  118. You’re definitely related. LOL Can I borrow her every now and then? I could use a family member with that kind of sense of humour.

    I can do your sister’s “I found out your dog died on Facebook” one better, though — I found out my mother died two weeks ago through Facebook. Had to call up the hospital at 1:30 in the morning and have this conversation:
    Me: “Uh, hi, my mother is a patient in the palliative care room in your wing. Could you tell me — did she die about an hour ago?”
    Nurse: “Yes, she did. I’m so sorry.”
    Me: “OK, thanks for your help.” (hang up)
    Facebook/Twitter status updates are NOT the way to find out important family news. I’m just sayin’. (My mother would have loved how it went down, though.)

    Louise recently posted How surreal.

  119. Bless your poor mom for making that air-burial crap up. Nothing like family to make you laugh and hope that you will do better than them when it’s your child calling with a “what do I do when my OD’d dog is being eaten by coyotes and vultures in my backyard canyon” type question.

  120. please, please, pleeeeze let me come over to your family’s thanksgiving dinner

    angelica recently posted on loosing my religion- and my kids finding it.

  121. I think taxidermy is a great idea. When you suggested it, I looked at Naughty George and formulated a plan. When he dies, I am going to get him scooped out (so he doesn’t go off) and then I will attach a wheel to each paw supported by a square frame to keep his legs in position.

    Then, once I have ascertained that I can put a string round his neck and take him for ‘walks’, I will work on his eyes. I have chosen glass eyes that will be focussed upon a vacant spot 2 feet in front of his face. That way, I won’t feel like he is constantly watching me. He will be the best dead dog ever.

    Annie (Lady M) x recently posted Botanic Verses.

  122. P.S. I forgot to mention that I will only do that if he dies by natural causes. I have no intention of killing my dog. That’s wrong.

    Annie (Lady M) x recently posted Botanic Verses.

  123. Not to totally freak you out, but once I took my dog to the vet and there was a cardboard box outside the door covered in flies. I opened it up and it was a dead cat. Someone had just dumped it on their doorstep. They said it happens a lot, but usually they’re left by the back door.

    I’m scared to go back!

    I’m also going to write a post this week, inspired by you. Thanks for dredging up long-dead emotions.

    xo Susie

    Susie Kline recently posted Guest Blogger Ragen Chastain- The War on Obesity – Our Kids Deserve Better.

  124. My aunt was very insulted when she learned about my brother’s engagement over Facebook. Of course only immediate family got a phone call. Wait, no, I think I got only got a text message.

    Xander recently posted Bad week was bad.

  125. Stories like this are what ensure that I will stay a drinker forever.

    muskrat recently posted muskrattle and a bonzai run to portland.

  126. 126
    Cedarflame

    I heard that insanity ran in families…

  127. Sigh.

    I only have a brother and he sucks. Now I am even more jealous of you that you actually have a sister thats pleasantly twisted.

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted Okay- You Win Local Grocer I Give Up.

  128. 128
    Karena Miller

    Ironically, I have been to more than one lunch with she, Victor, and Hailey, and they are all completely normal…….

  129. OMG I love it! You and Lisa could not BE more related! She needs a blog, too. But then two Bloggesses might just be too much for one world to handle.

    Kernut the Blond recently posted Tiny Houses and The Great Wanderlust.

  130. In my attempt to be “holy” since it is sort of Sunday and that whole “deeply profound and prophetic” thing suits the briefly-stinted-Mormons so well, I’m gonna gout on a limb and say that your family is a tree to cling fastidiously to for dear life.

    Either that, or face the wrath that comes with replacing the Toaster Pastries in the freezer. Proper.

    Also? BJP is just a polite way of requesting fellatio, which would be a rather nice change of scenery for both my ear drums and my mouth hole. Men (or beings with penisi) are so fucking demanding sometimes.

    Also, also? I swear a zombie biker dog just knocked on the front door. To be honest, I probably just should have tipped the pizza delivery boy with something more than a frozen chicken breast and three nickels. Oh well.

  131. im sorry about the puppy <3 i loved his stories, but i wanted to tell you that i am so happy you made a reference to the crack fox my favorite boosh character IM GONNA HURT YOU REAL BAD WHEN WE GET INSIDE i hope your foxes arent that bad, if they are you really need to like step it up and put steel bars around the house and maybe make sure you lock the secret cabinet so they dont get your shamen juice.

    one more thing. i love you and your blog.

  132. [...] get any closer. I’m not sure I would have been brave enough to chase them off with a sword (as Jenny did). They’re really scary. And they were really pissed that we moved Barnaby [...]

  133. [...] was clearly in distress after running around her yard with a machete trying to murder vultures. (Long story here.) I called her to see if she was okay, and she clearly wasn’t, so I told her I was walking [...]

  134. It’s of paramount importance to have a friend who will help you dig up a dead body. Of paramount importance, but very rare. I’m glad you have that person in your life.

    Suniverse recently posted Rewind Review - Cheesy Vampire Goodness.

  135. …And that is how I decided you’re writing my obituary. Never mind that you don’t know me. That’s just semantics. :)

  136. First, I am so, so sorry about Barnaby Jones and your week in general. It sounds like you got served with an extra dose of Sux, and that is, well, sucky.

    Second, I feel much better now knowing that my sisters and I aren’t the only comedically-maimed people to have ever cracked up at a funeral/played practical jokes on each other that involved fun things made out of Prozac capsules/made fun of my sister’s cancer/ruined a holiday dinner by talking about lady parts in front of our mother.

    jm recently posted What do these things have in common.

  137. I soooo want to be a member of your family.

  138. 138
    Heather Greywolf

    It’s really cool to know that your sister has a sense of humor as equally messed up as yours … which is equally as messed up as mine. The world needs more freaks like us.

    I’m glad she could make you laugh! Sounds like you needed it!!

    And for future reference (take it from the chick whose parents’ back yard is like Pet Semetary revisited (with all of the little furry bodies, but without the zombie animal resurrections) … next time, make a cairn over the burial site. Collect as many large stones as you can, and pile them on top. This will prevent anything from digging up your lost boy. It will also make the grave easier to find if you want to go visit the spot in the future. :: HUGS ::

  139. That was so effin hilarious despite the whole BJP’s passing. Sorry about that!!! These are like conversations I have with my self. Maybe I am channeling one of you guys. Crazy!

    marina recently posted A bit about myself.

  140. Remember how at your BlogHer panel(wait, you were filled with prescription drugs so you may or may not actually remember) how you said Victor is the funny one? Not true! Your sister is THE funny one! You two bring true meaning to the name “Twisted Sister(s)” ;)

    Cathy recently posted Meatless Monday - Five Favorites of my Meat Loving Husband.

  141. This is amazing. I wish you guys were my sisters. Crap…if my sisters read this I’m screwed…I really do love them but I’m not sure they are as funny as you guys…Maybe you could play two out of three of them in my made-for-TV-movie version of my life. Perhaps Victor could play my other sister…she’s tall.

    RIP BJP!

    Jenn recently posted My Vacation with Bean – Part II – Christmas in August.

  142. Nice to know your awesomeness is a family trait. I’m so sorry to hear about Barnaby Jones Pickles. I didn’t know him, but looking at pictures, you could tell that dog was the shiznit.

  143. Just when I thought I couldn’t love you anymore, you mention something from The Mighty Boosh! I love them! Oh my God, you are my idol. I am so sorry for your loss, Barnaby Jones seemed like a wonderful dog and I know you loved him.

  144. Um this makes me think of that old joke where the guy goes out of town and leaves his cat with his stoner friend and then calls the next day to check on the cat and the SF (stoner friend) says “Dude. Your cat died.” and the guy says “NO you can’t do it like that, you have to do it slowly” and the SF doesnt get it so the guy says “like when I call the first day say DUDE the cat is on the roof then the next day when I call say DUDE the cat is on the roof and wont come down and he’s getting dehydrated and then the next day DUDE the fireman came to get the dehydrated cat off the roof, but she isnt doing good AND THEN DUDE your cat died”. The SF got it. The next day the guy called and SF said “Dude, Granny’s on the roof.”

    Your welcome.

  145. FUCK.

    *youre welcome*

    and RIP BJP

    Kristen recently posted Stick It To Me Baby.

  146. Damn. You were responsible for the frog deaths, too? You know, they say serial killers start with animals in the neighborhood…

    Pamela Hutchins recently posted I’m worn out just thinking about it.

  147. Um this makes me think of that old joke where the guy goes out of town and leaves his cat with his stoner friend and then calls the next day to check on the cat and the SF (stoner friend) says “Dude. Your cat died.” and the guy says “NO you can’t do it like that, you have to do it slowly” and the SF doesnt get it so the guy says “like when I call the first day say DUDE the cat is on the roof then the next day when I call say DUDE the cat is on the roof and wont come down and he’s getting dehydrated and then the next day DUDE the fireman came to get the dehydrated cat off the roof, but she isnt doing good AND THEN DUDE your cat died”. The SF got it. The next day the guy called and SF said “Dude, Granny’s on the roof.”

  148. Okay, first – I’m very sorry to hear about Barnaby Jones and the crack foxes and what you went through. Second – I think I would totally love to hang out with you and your family at Thanksgiving, except I probably wouldn’t be able to eat because I would be spewing wine through my nose because I would be laughing so hard – besides not being invited, of course.

  149. Does your sister have a blog? She is one funny mo-fo!

  150. I am sorry you lost Barnaby Jones, I love my pets and would cry for days if one of them passed away, I understand the sadness you went through.

    My family deals with pain through laughter too… my father passed away in May and about a week after the funeral we had to go pick up the cremated remains. As we were leaving the very quiet and somber funeral home I whispered to my mum “huh, I could swear dad lost some weight” – she and I were both snorting while trying to hold in our giggles as we left. As we got to the car, I looked at my mum and said “I’m going to put dad in the trunk, okay…”, when she asked why, I answered “Because if we get into a car accident driving home, I do NOT want to have to tell the auto body shop to save the vacuum bag for me because all those ashes are really my dad. That’s not a conversation anyone should have to have!” When we got home we forgot him in the trunk for a few hours…. oops. I like to think that my dad would have laughed too… and he’d be proud how we handled the whole day!

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