UPDATED: That last one was a bluff so it’s probably good that they passed. I can’t even keep a dog alive, much less a sasquatch.

Paraphrased email between me and a marketer.  The sad thing is that this is only slightly paraphrased:

Them: We would like to buy a text ad on your blog.

me: Ok. It’s $75.

Them: We will write a guest post on your blog with 4 embedded links to our product. We will give you $15.

me:  Um…no.

Them:  We will give you $18.

me:  No.

Them:  You will put 4 links to our product pages on your blogroll page.  We will pay you $2 per 1,000 click-throughs that result in sales.

me:  Wow.  Does this usually work for you?

Them:  You will write a review about our product.  We will send you high quality photos of the product if you agree.

me:  That sounds great but the electric company just stopped accepting high-quality photos as forms of currency.  I will send you a high-quality photo of me saying no to you.

Them: We are not currently paying for marketing but your readers would appreciate learning about our product.

me:  Nice try, Obi-Wan.  Your Jedi mind-tricks won’t work on me.

Them: This is no trick.  We can offer your readers a 10% coupon if they tweet about our product.  Your readers will thank you.

me:  You will send me $1,000 and I will send you a high-quality photo of me spending it.

Them:  This would not benefit us at this time.

me:  You will send me a dog as big as a pony and I will send you a high-quality photo of me riding it.

Them:  We have many other bloggers interested in being in this exclusive program.  If you are not interested in this program please let us know so that we can move on to our next choice.

me:  You will send me a cloak of invisibility and I will send you high-quality photos of me being invisible in it.

Them:  We are sorry that you are passing on this valuable opportunity to help your readers.  We will keep you in mind for future products which meet your requirements.

me:  You will send me four dead cats in a shoebox.  I will send you high-quality photos of them as marionettes.

them:  Thank you for your time.  Your blog is not a good fit for us presently.

me:  So you aren’t interested in placing your links on my blog?

them:  Yes.  Please notify us when the links are active.

me:  You will send me a large Sasquatch.  I will send you high-quality photos of me playing Chinese-Freeze-Tag with it.

So far I have received no response.

I win.

UPDATED: After eleventy million (eleventy million = five) of you insisted that I publish this on xtranormal I actually did it. FYI, I’m British in this video because they don’t have a Texan accent and this seems like the next best thing.  Also, British people are unable to properly pronounce “sasquatch”.  Apparently.

Comment of the day: Sort of reminds me when a telemarketer called to talk to me about some new phone service and I told him I didn’t actually own a phone. He went quiet for a minute and then I gently told him that because I didn’t own a phone, I couldn’t really be having this conversation right now. And then I hung up. ~ Allison

234 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Awesomeness! (Except the part where my monitor is now wearing a mouthfull of coffee and my nose burns a little .. but even that’s a little awesome too.)

  2. Don’t be selfish Jenny. I was really interested in learning more about…whatever it was. I will send you low resolution images of me being disappointed.

  3. It’s the ‘only slightly paraphrased’ element of this that I find disturbing.

    fatboyfat recently posted Hinterland.

  4. I am 9,000% sure they are paying for marketing. They’re just not actually used to bloggers who have to pay bills.

  5. OH GOD, I CAN’T BREATHE!! I’m laughing so hard I can barely SEE!! I love it… the sasquatch, the dead cats… OMG, it’s hilarious!

  6. Hahahahahah ohhhh my.

    Karen Maeby recently posted My NaNoWriMo Experience.

  7. Really? so in your mind where do you think it first went wrong? I guess they didn’t have you with hello!!

    Lew (ashandlewplus2.com) recently posted No Gym….

  8. If you put four links to my blog on your site, I will send you high-quality photos of Sasquatch and I playing Chinese freeze tag with our dead cat marionettes while paying your electric bill. All while we wear cloaks of invisibility.

    Always Home and Uncool recently posted Turkey Surprise.

  9. What if they send you a large Sasquatch covered in the invisibility cloak? They might have already sent it! If Victor asks why something has been broken/stomped on/mutilated, just tell him it was the invisible Sasquatch you got from an email marketer.

    Nikki recently posted Really- I’m not back I’m just visiting.

  10. This is PERFECT!!! Especially the part of wondering if they were still interested…classic!

    Crayon Wrangler recently posted In 5 Days.

  11. But…but…’exclusive program’

    EXCLUSIVE!

    *sigh*

    Epic Fail

  12. The four dead cats in a shoebox was a very reasonable request. I can’t believe they didn’t take you up on that.

    Becky Mochaface recently posted Tuesday Trivia- Equestria.

  13. I’m crying…

  14. I’d accept if they sent several 6 ft Garden Sasquatches.I’d put Santa Hats on them and arrange them into a kick line because I think my neighbor’s concrete goose with clothes on it is offensive. Who puts clothes on geese?!

    Condo Blues recently posted CleanGreen Pet Stain Cleaner Giveaway!.

  15. OMG…no kidding, huh? I’m receiving very similar pitches where they think my readership would just be “so excited” for me to share their product with them. I ask “what’s in it for my audience?” and response is pathetic. I mean really? Are PR people that clueless? This is why I think all companies should have a blogger on staff to help guide them through these pitches. It actually offends me more than anything else and ruins any fuzzy feelings about whatever product they have.

    Leah @bookieboo recently posted Bootcamp Update.

  16. Now I am curious. You will send me a link to their product and I will send you high quality images of me cleaning up the oatmeal I spewed all over my desk…at work…it has berries in it.

    melistress recently posted Half-Assed.

  17. I would gladly spend a coupon for a hamburger you will buy me yesterday.

    juliejulie recently posted Politics and Beauty- Will Brains- Botox- or Photoshop get me to the White House.

  18. I puked a lot this morning. The stupid germ-riddled kids my son goes to toddler group with infected me with some bug. Then I read this and I laughed so much (in a hoarse-throated squeaky way) that it made me puke again. Totally worth it.

    Skip recently posted Reverb10.

  19. Why doesn’t this shit happen to me? I suck.

    Jolon recently posted Let’s go for a walk.

  20. Oh please, PLEASE post the pictures of you in the invisibilty cloak or the kitty marionettes. Either will do.

  21. How about if they send you a rifle filled with tequila?

    chickens consigliere recently posted Thanksgiving Is Over and Im Thankful to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

  22. It seems their blogger relations skills are wearing the Invisibility Cloak at the moment.

    stephanie smirnov recently posted Apparently Pilgrims are Sexy.

  23. Duuuuddde. Have you seen this site? It is a place to post anonymously- BAD PR PITCHES to BLOGGERS.

    http://theinsertnameheresite.blogspot.com/

  24. Wow!
    Not sure if I laughed harder at the post or the comments.
    My belly hurts now. LOL

    EL recently posted Half Moon Book Review .

  25. LOL! Why can I never be that creative with comebacks? :-)

    Joanna recently posted The BEST Post-Holiday Gift Shopping- Lauren &amp Lola.

  26. As a reader I was really interested in whatever it was that I could have saved 10% on. Perhaps the time I spent reading your blog will be better spent reading blogs that feature guest posts by companies that have goods and/or services that I may or may not be able to save 10% on by tweeting about them. That’s the kind of thing that I appreciate and enjoy. (Also, the “free image for you to use!” crap doesn’t even work on nobody bloggers like me. It for sure doesn’t work with you. Who in the hell does that stuff work on? Who blogs in return for a free image?)

    Jen recently posted One year.

  27. Ive been waiting and waiting but Ive yet to see the seasonal meat puppet kiosk at the mall. They have no idea what they turned down.

  28. I just cried with laughter in public. Oh dear.

  29. The dead kitten marionettes? Definitely the best image to laugh at in the morning ever. Hilarious.

  30. Good response you give.

    Jax recently posted My Blog Sucks.

  31. Well crap, now I HAVE to know what vital product they wanted to sell to me, your loyal reader. What if it was something really awesome, like a line of bedazzled dog clothes? WHAT IF THEY WERE SELLING SEX ROBOTS? Now I’ll never know. THANKS A LOT, JENNY.

    Kait (Tampon In A Teacup) recently posted This is not even close to sexy.

  32. HAHAHHAHAHAHAH!

    Priceless. (And sort of reminds me when a telemarketer called to talk to me about some new phone service and I told him I didn’t actually own a phone. He went quiet for a minute and then I gently told him that because I didn’t own a phone, I couldn’t really be having this conversation right now. And then I hung up.)

    Not as funny as the email trail above, but it made the 12 year old in me giggle.

    Allison recently posted All Good Things in Time.

  33. Oh my GOD! The cloak of invisibility sealed the deal and I peed a little.

    Mrs. P recently posted Maybe I should just move the plates Theyre obviously out of place.

  34. As a cat owner and shoe owner, I can’t imagine finding a single shoebox big enough to contain 4 ded cats. Maybe a box that once contained some really chunky winter boots, but that’d still require small cats.

    Unless they’re cremated of course. My cremated cats take up hardly any room at all.

  35. Can I send you a high quality photo of me peeing my pants? Cloak of invisibility? Dead cats? Seriously Jenny, you had me at Jedi mind tricks!

    Jules from A Little Bite of Life recently posted Chicken-Corn Chowder.

  36. Passing up high-res photos of you? Clearly idiots. ;)

  37. My new goal in life is to be more like you, Jenny.

    Kelly recently posted Elegant Lace.

  38. That is too funny!! I’m so glad I came across your blog this morning. I needed that laugh. Ha ha .. dead cats in a shoebox, cloak of invisibility…

    Lots To Lose recently posted Weight Loss Supplements.

  39. Dood. You need to make an xtranormal cartoon out of this. Mostly because I read the whole thing and heard it in monotone like those things. Clearly I’ve seen too many of those videos and/or need more coffee.

  40. I have no words for your awesomeness. I’d love to contract you to answer telemarketing calls.

    Nicole (Ninja Mom) recently posted Apple Jacks- mon- theyre no Thomas Kinkade.

  41. Some days I could just crawl through the internet and kiss you, because you are so very, very awesome. Looking at the cables I’d be traveling in, I imagine it might be a bit of a shawshanking to get to you. This does not deter me. I will make zombie noises if I get stuck. If you think you hear a zombie, please blow real hard into your internet cable to dislodge me. Thanks!

    anne nahm recently posted Saints on a Plate.

  42. Thank you for depriving us of this valuable experience that would have helped us. That “thank you” is sarcastic, btw.

    Marinka recently posted I’m Right- You’re Wrong!.

  43. I loved that after you call them Obi Wan they tell you its no trick…you crack me up girl.

    Jenn recently posted She Gave Thanks and Then Napped.

  44. I have a chronic inability to say no to people. I think I need to employ your methods!

    AnnaO recently posted I have the best luck with cars.

  45. I love how they then said, “Thank you for your time. Your blog is not a good fit for us presently.”
    I guess you would fit them better if you were a moron who wanted to sell out to them for $15 and a 10% off coupon.

    JustMom420zaks recently posted Greased Pigs in Sunday Dress.

  46. But where’s my 10% coupon? I would have thanked you profusely for it and then you could tell you mortgage company about my thanks and they would have definitely forgiven December’s mortgage payment!

    Helen recently posted Celebrate Shelter Pets Day on Facebook.

  47. I’m confused. $18? Is that this dude’s lunch money? What is this?: “Bob’s Big House o’ Apps”? You should have told them that if they paid you, you’d school them in the fart superhighway… that would have brought them running! WITH the dead cats!!!

  48. You make marrionettes out of dead cats too?! I knew we had stuff in common! Kidding of course-also loving the comments as usual, the Santa hat wearing Sasquatches have me rethinking my decorating scheme…hmmm

  49. Victory is sweet like that.

    the muskrat recently posted sunday morning breaking down.

  50. You send me ridiculous proposals to pay me in dead hobo cigar wrappers and I’ll send you the link to my blog where I mock you and don’t mention you by name (because that is exactly what you want!)

    Classic! You DO win!

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted Lost- Patty Punker’s Fun.

  51. Karen,

    Marinated cremated cats would taste like mud. Why would you do that?

  52. Question: Will you be naked under the invisibility cloak?

    Grace recently posted Im not good at ANYTHING!.

  53. There is no doubt in my mind you made them laugh. And they were so polite, too.

    Fred Miller recently posted Mad Matt! Where are You.

  54. I have laughed so hard! You are funny as hell, and I can’t wait to share it with someone else. Thank you for this today!

  55. –>I think you should send them a bill for the amount of time you wasted and demand to be paid in stuffed squirrels dressed like zombies.

    WebSavvyMom recently posted We Pardoned the Turkey This Thanksgiving.

  56. Ahahahahaha! This is the best post ever. I hurt from laughing.

  57. Of course you win, little Jenny Jedi.

    Mary @ Holy Mackerel recently posted Order.

  58. That’s brilliant, Jenny. The scary thing is many of us (even lowly daddy bloggers like myself) have had these kinds of interactions. I, however, was much less witty in my response… AND I copied the CEO and also the VP of Sales of the PR firm’s client as I clarified that firms complete and total lack competence in dealing with bloggers. Interestingly a cash offer for an add (with no other strings attached) showed up the next day, as well as some not inconsequential Sasquatch free swag. I turned them down.

    –Michael (aka: http://adaddyblog.com or http://twitter.com/adaddyblog)

    A Daddy Blog recently posted Dads Just Want to Have Fun.

  59. That is partly why I don’t do ads or product endorcements on my site. I don’t have the fucking patience for that bullshit.

    It’s like they are asking to ass-rape you and aren’t even considerate enough to offer a reach around.

    Ed Adams recently posted Kids Are Sucky At Secrets!.

  60. Um…it’s apparent that this mental midget didn’t actually READ your blog before they came to you.

    The question that has me snickering though is…I wonder if he’s reading this now.

    If so:

    “Hi! You’re an idiot. Nobody works for free.”

    ShredderFeeder recently posted The queen was right….

  61. That. was. awesome! But you knew that already…

  62. I know have an excuse to clean my monitor since it is covered in coffee. Also have the office thinks I am a little crazy over here laughing. I do love how after all that they were still willing to put links on your blog. Maybe they are out looking for a large Sasquatch, but have only been able to find small ones?

  63. You’re an ace negotiator. Will you help me renegotiate my current contract? I’m willing to pay in dead cats.

    kyknoord recently posted 160 over 80.

  64. You need to turn this into a script for XtraNormal. NOW.

    Pj recently posted Desktop snapshot- 11-17-10.

  65. Fan-fucking-tastic. You definitely won.

    Summer recently posted This Is Not A Post About Porn.

  66. I had roughly this same conversation with one of those guys at a cologne kiosk in the mall.

    Well..only the Sasquatch part.

    moooooog35 recently posted Dry My Hands One More TimeOnce is Never Enoughfor a Hand Dryer Like You.

  67. Your responses are SO much better than mine. Heck, I usually just laugh and delete.

    Lolli @ Better in Bulk recently posted A Blogger’s Top 10 Tips to Get Through Writer’s Block.

  68. ROFL @ “You WILL” PSHHHHHHHHH BET i will what? Sucka!!!

    u totally win teh internets.

    Crystal recently posted I really should read a how to book- or something….

  69. This screams for an xtranormal makeover. When I read this, I kept hearing the robotic voices of the bears…of course, that’s normal for me.

  70. “You will send me four dead cats in a shoebox. I will send you high-quality photos of them as marionettes.” Bwwaaahhaa… best comeback..Ever!!

    Holly B recently posted Today I Am Humbled And Proud.

  71. I read this post on the shitter. Did you know laughing hysterically did NOTHING to help the cause. Damn. Can check that off my list.

  72. Hilarious! Only slightly paraphrasing….right? Lol! An amusing post to come across. I’ll have to stop by more often ;)

  73. Suggestion for your next exchange: “You send me a unicorn, and I’ll post a high-quality photo of it giving you a magical enema.”

    Maybe then they’ll get the point.

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted Hell’s Kitchen- Those Who Refuse To Learn From History….

  74. Where does one get a medium Sasquatch these days, let alone a large one?! I want one. And how long do you suppose it would take to train it to play Chinese freeze tag?

    Darla recently posted Mexican Hot Chocolate Donuts with Toasted Marshmallow Frosting.

  75. LMAO! this is hilarious! i love messing with scammer types. And that was so a Jedi mind trick they were trying to pull on you its not even funny lol

    alycia recently posted Sponsor Highlight with Cassandra from Boardwalk To Eden.

  76. This reminds me of the Robot Chicken sketch between Lando and Darth Vader where he keeps altering the deal and reminding Lando that he should pray he does not alter it further. (Oh, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwF7n8WyOoU)

    Yeah…that’s exactly what happened.

  77. Though the responses are only slightly paraphrased, as you said, the originals must still have seemed eerily bot-like. Either that, or those marketing trolls are on Ritalin or something.

  78. You know, this sounds like a script for one of those silly little animations that you can make by typing in the script on a web page. Where is that URL!?

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted Hell’s Kitchen- Those Who Refuse To Learn From History….

  79. “You will send me a dog as big as a pony and I will send you a high-quality photo of me riding it.”
    This sent me into gigglefits for about 5 minutes, I will send you a high quality pic of me gigglefitting.

    Naturally Alise recently posted All Bingo EVERYTHING!.

  80. Just scrapped myself up off the floor…where I fell of my chair while laughing so hard!!

    Audrey recently posted Earrings Rainbow Splendor Hand Made.

  81. You will send me four dead cats in a shoebox. I will send you high-quality photos of them as marionettes.

    I already own the licensing rights for the Deads Cats in a Shoebox puppet show so you can’t have it- although I will gladly license it to you for four embedded links in your site, a testimonial and a shrubbery.

  82. MY GOD. Are you being pitched by Voldemort? How on earth did he manage to steal the cloak of invisibility from Harry Potter? And if you are… you should go ahead and ask for the elder wand AND the resurrection stone.

    Gotta catch ‘em all! (wait. that’s pokemon)

    briya recently posted Talk about Mission Impossible.

  83. hahaha…i wish i could have seen the marketers face during this conversation.

    Lynn MacDonald recently posted In which i discuss fleeting careers.

  84. I’d like to see photos of the sasquatch puppet.

    Nat recently posted Ready for my close-up.

  85. This is not the blog you’re looking for. *hand wave*

    This is not the blog we’re looking for.

    Steam Me Up, Kid recently posted It started out as a holiday post.

  86. (This is one of my favourite posts ever.)

    You send me hilarious blog posts and I will send you medium-quality pictures of me laughing a lot in my work cubicle.

    If you prefer high quality shots, please send $400 and I will send you high quality pictures of me laughing that I just took with my new camera.

  87. I just snorted scrambled eggs out of my nose. Do you have any idea how much that hurts?

    Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted Dear Idiot Parents-.

  88. Wow…the only blog related things I get (aside from comments from my sister, god love her) are strange messages written by what are obviously not English speaking persons trying to drop their links on my blog.

    Can you image anyone being douchy enough to respond SIMPLY to drop a link to their blog or website?

    Okay…point taken, but at least I read your posts first, and I laugh at them. Hard. I’m pretty sure the spammers aren’t reading my posts…(as evidenced by their “thank you for that informative text, I have printed to later referenceing” in response to my posting my YouTube debut.) Who do they think they are kidding?

    Anyway, I think it is time for a sandwich. Catch you later.

    Colleen McCaffery recently posted My YouTube video debut.

  89. If only I had your wit and wisdom…

    Eustice The Sheep recently posted Elephant Parade.

  90. Ok, you need to be careful with the cats-as-currency thing.

    Don’t you remember the disaster with ebay??

    WHY do you play with fire this way, woman??

    Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points recently posted Points for Posts.

  91. YOU WIN AT INTERNET

  92. As I am reading, I imagined the advertiser’s responses with a robot voice, similar to the one in that “Fitter Happier” song on Radiohead’s “Ok Computer” song. Robots can be such douche-nuggets. Whether it be real robots, marketting programmed robots or society programmed sheep robots.

    Rico Swaff recently posted A Thanksgiving Tragedy.

  93. After once or twice back & forth, I just ignore their messages…. never thought about taking it such a fun level. Next time.

    RichTucker recently posted Allure of the Seas Inaugural- Here I come!.

  94. aww Jenny, u should be more open-minded. can u imagine the fun you would have had with them…..seriously disappointing.

    http://hibernationnow.wordpress.com

    Laurie recently posted Ah- Roommates.

  95. This post shows both why I love you and why I actually trust you as a blogger (bloggess…). Please don’t ever stop being awesome. I would have to send a high resolution photo of me crying into some consolation cake.

    Sarah recently posted Jumping on the bandwagon.

  96. URRGH. my blog does not play well with your blog. I think you should have pursued this dude who called you, it could have been a lot of fun. http://hibernationnow.wordpress.com

    Laurie recently posted Ah- Roommates.

  97. Nice. Better than me:

    Me: I would like you to read my blog post.
    Them: Crickets. Wind in the pines. Tumbleweeds bouncing by…

    goodfather recently posted Monday morning.

  98. Here’s the movie: The Bloggess and the Marketer

    http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7875245/

  99. Winner and still champion of fucking with marketers…..THE BLOGGESS!!!

    they have not yet found a suitable match for you. I think they need to up their A-game a little bit. Surely they would know about you by now

  100. Hi- Hi- Hi- Hilarious. Jenny: 1 Marketers:-1
    I am not paraphrasing … I think.

  101. so. much. happiness.

    andygirl recently posted Photo of the Day- Scenes from a Coffee Shop.

  102. Yeah, I think you win the entire internet.

    Sarah Elizabeth recently posted Why Yes- I Am Indeed Phoning It In.

  103. You will post email exchange. I will laugh my ass off until tears roll down my cheeks.

    Tom G. recently posted Caution- Mojo at Work.

  104. Its hard to laugh, cry, cough,and not wet your self all at the same time.

    Paula recently posted Teen Words 3.

  105. That was priceless! Now I want to know what Chinese freeze tag looks like.

  106. Is it just me or did the offers start to get worse, rather than better?

    sara davis recently posted Glen Beck- When honor and attention mean the same thing….

  107. I think the Sasquatch would be epic at Chinese Freeze Tag. Mostly because it can run like a bitch from all those times when tourists chased it.

  108. 1st: I am truly disappointed that I will not have an opportunity to tweet about a nameless (probably useless) product in exchange for a 10% off coupon.
    2nd: Do you have room to play Chinese freeze tag with a Sasquatch? How much harder would that game be with an invisibility cloak involved? My BF (who is 6’5″) is VERY interested playing Chinese freeze tag with your Sasquatch and would appreciate your feedback.
    3rd: Please use the marionette cats to perform an all-dead-cat version of Cats. Upload to You Tube and I will send you – umm – low-res pics of me laughing and a link to low-res nude photos of a minor celebrity of my choosing.

    Lastly: I love you Jenny. Never stop hassling the MAN.

  109. OMG! Unbelievable. Do you just attract these people? The whole time I was reading it, I was hearing robotic voice from animated movies made on http://www.xtranormal.com, you know the ones I am talking about?

    I was going to quickly make a movie for you using this CLASSIC dialogue but I kind of, cough cough, need to be working right now…

    IT WOULD BE AWESOME though. Sigh.

    subWOW recently posted Faraway- So Close.

  110. There’s a Chinese version of freeze tag?

    If only Nixon could have gotten over there sooner, maybe I could have grown up playing such a game.

    Except I’m only 24, so that doesn’t make any sense.

    Damn those Chinese and their confusing ways.

  111. I don’t even think they know what social media is. They must have it confused with going to the library to get books.

    Suzy recently posted The Stupids Get A Headache.

  112. As a fellow blogger who gets things like this CONSTANTLY, I have to say I love you.

  113. I heart you. And I live in Saskatchewan. We may or may not have Sasquatches, but I’d share mine if I found one.

    Tenille recently posted Cuddletunes Bear.

  114. My love for you is vast.

    Miss Grace recently posted Christmas Wish List- Knitting Books.

  115. I just watched the video.

    I don’t know what’s more disturbing, the fact that I got turned on by the woman character, or that James Franco sounds like a Russian robot in this.

    moooooog35 recently posted Dry My Hands One More TimeOnce is Never Enoughfor a Hand Dryer Like You.

  116. Love this.. “That sounds great but the electric company just stopped accepting high-quality photos as forms of currency.”

    imelda recently posted Just met this guy! Been wearing his stash like this since 1973! Movember Flickr.

  117. I think that video might literally be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen. “I win” You should have a cyber British accent always.

    Bridget recently posted My Cyber Monday post- So- My Friends Are In This Band.

  118. I’ve already told everybody I know about how funny your blog is and even read some out loud to them, so I am going to send you high-quality photos of them all thanking me… in wine!

    Mary recently posted Your Favorite Farm Animal.

  119. OMG just watched the video and almost died. This fucking rules. I hope you don’t mind that I shared your video on FB… too classic!

    Katya recently posted My daughter has the makings of a super-crafty scientist… I’m stoked.

  120. why are his nipples hard and way up by his armpits?

  121. LOVE THIS POST!! It’s disturbing how many of the above pitches I’ve actually received. Do they really have bloggers who respond favorably to their “offers”???

    Rachel @ STS recently posted Amazon- Radio Flyer Trikes for 39 Shipped!.

  122. Them: We want buy ad. You sell ad us. hmmf.

    You: Give me two zebras, an orange colored grape, a grape flavored beer and a small man with a lisp, then we can talk.

    http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/

    Simple Dude recently posted McRib Monday Part 2.

  123. The video marketer had me completely distracted. Are those buttons on his shirt or are those his nipples and belly button? Weird.

    Sherry Carr-Smith recently posted Thankful for My Fella.

  124. This is awesome. Love the marketing techniques they tried, maybe I’ll try some of them myself…

    Hey Bloggess, you put up four links to my blog on your homepage and I’ll send you some high quality photos of babes posing on water lilies.

    Alexandra the Tsaritsa recently posted Turkey lurkey.

  125. UNCLE! I quit. you win.

    Deb@Simple Plate recently posted Let Them Eat Cake What A Crock!.

  126. High res images of your extended middle finger would work nicely as your response to the next marketing tool that tries this stuff.

  127. This is hewn from raw awesome. I chortled audibly at work.

    Adrasteia recently posted Thanksgiving 2010.

  128. If they ever do agree to send you a cloak of invisibility, I’d be willing to send you a pony sized dog, a sasquatch, up to FIVE dead cats and I’ll even throw in a small unicorn if you’d be willing to loan it to me for just a day or two. I’ve always wanted to be invisible just to screw with my family by following them around and moving stuff ever-so-slightly that they’ve just put down. Could make for an incredibly fun day!

    I’d also be willing to send you high quality photos of people’s reactions….

    The Hubby Diaries recently posted You’re Gonna Ruin It!.

  129. OMG YOU ARE SO AWESOME! VIDEO FTW!!!!!

    subWOW recently posted Faraway- So Close.

  130. 132
    Woodlandmama

    The color, shading, and odd placement of pockets and buttons of the video guy’s shirt made me wonder why he was topless with a tie and had such fabulous moobs the entire video.

  131. Yep, this sounds about right.

    Penelope recently posted The Girls Apparel Bootcut Yoga Pants.

  132. This was hilarious. Especially the invisibility cloak. I want one, too. Can you ask them for another? :)

    Jumble Mash recently posted Dear 15 Year Old.

  133. When I get a telemarketer, I always tell them I can’t use what they’re selling because it’s a work of the devil. The puzzled silence is priceless.

    Barbara recently posted End of an Era- Nebraska vs Colorado.

  134. That was hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

  135. I’m still looking for the four links to their awesome product.

    Chinese Freeze Tag?

    Mr Farty recently posted Glorious colours.

  136. If I saw a picture of a Sasquatch playing Chinese Freeze Tag I would think it was a Yeti.

    Now if it was playing Canadian Freeze Tag then it would be a different story.

  137. I have had similarly ridiculous requests and exchanges except I’m not nearly as awesome with my responses. I’ll definitely have to try being more creative in my replies next time! Thanks for the inspiration!

    Emilie recently posted Add Your Signature to the Cards Direct Texas Sized Holiday Card for the Troops.

  138. Mostly I appreciate that the marketer’s shirt buttons are ideally placed to look like nipples.

  139. This is great. Don’t you just love how they don’t listen when you speak? My husband has a phrase for catching someone at that: “dancing refrigerators and flying monkeys.” If that doesn’t catch them, it isn’t a conversation. Sounds like you write in that same vein! Thanks for the laugh.

  140. Since they passed up on the Sasquatch picture, may I take advantage of the opportunity?

    Jessica Rolin recently posted When guilt overrides the swoon.

  141. I got it – send him a hi-res photo of the Sasquatch taking a hi-res photo to the electric company along with the 10% discount code.

  142. 144
    Procrastinateher

    So, following the logic of this marketer, getting a tattoo of their logo on your forehead in exchange for a high quality photo of it and your review of their product in the Readers Digest would be an exciting, noble act right?

    However, I feel like selling ad space to a taxidermy company that paid you in marionette cats and sasquatches would be a major step towards actual money.

    Oh great, all thi- (I don’t know what I was going to write after this because my computer decided to freeze so badly it needed a forced restart, but I’m pretty sure it was something about how dead cats made me hungry.)

  143. You can play Chinese-Freeze-Tag with Sasquatch?! I’ve been doing it all wrong…

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted What I Did Over My Thanksgiving Break- The Bad And Ugly.

  144. The cheeky bloody bastards…… do you know where they live?!

    Annie (Lady M) x recently posted Rants about snow and customer service.

  145. I want my 10% coupon, please. Also, pictures of you to pay my student loans [I believe they will consider that currency. And if not, they can suck it.].

    Suniverse recently posted Listen To Me - Middlesex.

  146. LMAO! That was awesome.

    Nolie recently posted All About Nolie – Day 17.

  147. You get more wackos than anyone else I know. I think perhaps you should get your aura checked. I’ve got a coupon for that around here somewhere…

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted What do a Brazilian drug lord and a tween girl have in common.

  148. ROTFLMAO!!! Laughing so hard here that I’m crying! you rock! Reminds me of the PR rep that expected me to run a giveaway in exchange for a single lip balm ( a product that I never received from them)
    Thanks for showing the bloggers side of things, this post made my day!

  149. I went to the movie and my 4 year old son is now obsessed with watching it. If only I had a high quality photo to prove this….

    Also, I am a bit stuck for christmas gifts, so if you could pass on any dead cat marionette photos that are suitable for framing, I’ve got inlaws to shop for….

    LadyV recently posted An obsessive letter to a soup company.

  150. Is it me or does the PR dude’s shirt pockets in the video look like shirt nipples? As if the god-awful pitch wasn’t already disturbing enough, shirt-nipple boy was freaking me the fuck out with his computer voice, too.

    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting recently posted Just A Day in the Life.

  151. Hilarious. How many readers do you have to solicit these kinds of emails? I need a goal to aspire to so I can hopefully get emails just like this.

    Ninja Mike recently posted Break.

  152. how about you’re hilariously awesome and i’m a fool for knowing that before. where have you been all my life??

  153. of course, i meant, NOT knowing that before. let’s face it. i AM the fool still! haha.

  154. I might try this line with ALL of my bills from now on, “You will send me $1,000 and I will send you a high-quality photo of me spending it.”

  155. bwahahahahaha! you are officially my hero!

    Kathy recently posted Happy Birthday Baby Boy!!.

  156. I’ve gotten “offers” like that.

    WE’LL PAY YOU $10 FOR A 500 WORD POST ON YOUR BLOG!

    I believe they have me confused for an illegal gimp child laborer.

    J recently posted The Year That Gratefulness Built.

  157. I want a sisquatch.

    Nicole (Ninja Mom) recently posted Apple Jacks- mon- theyre no Thomas Kinkade.

  158. So you got the cloak of invisibility! I’m pretty sure I didn’t see you at New York Fries yesterday. I was going to go up to you, but I was too initmidated.

    harmzie recently posted Crazy! Search! Terms!.

  159. Clearly those marketing pukes didn’t do their homework. TheBloggess is a top star in the field. Lowballing that much to a blogger of her renown would be like offering Beyonce $200 to sing on their commercial. The number one rule of selling (anything) is ‘know who you’re selling to’. Clearly, they could use a few tips on marketing:
    1. take 2 seconds to find out about who you’re dealing with IF you want them to give you more than 2 seconds to hear you out
    2. If you have not done #1 then
    a) grasp your shoulders with both hands
    b) pull head out of ass
    c) deep breath/get bearings
    3. retry step one

    If I were God recently posted Tips for Life ages 6-10.

  160. I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t know what Chinese Freeze Tag is. I googled this and this is what I found: http://thejenningssecede.blogspot.com/2007/08/chinese-freeze-tag.html

  161. I read it.

    Then I insisted on reading it out loud to my husband. But I couldn’t even see the words because I was laughing so hard I was crying. And then I got scared I might pee a little so I had to take a break from reading it out loud.

    I officially have a girl crush on you. I mean, I’ve been admiring you from afar for awhile (me love you long time), but now… I don’t know. It’s my first girl crush. What’s the protocol? I want to do the couple-skate but I’m scared you’ll scoff at my sweaty palms.

    And yet moving next door to you seems a little extreme. (What’s your address???)

    This post was awesome. Thanks for the laugh – it did me good today. <3

    JustLinda recently posted Scattered- smothered- covered- etc etc.

  162. Oh Jesus, I couldn’t stop laughing. You’re such a basket case I fucking love it

    Annah recently posted Natural Selection And The Clitaurus.

  163. Ok so painted on shirt telemarketer guy has a pretty gnarly/wicked widows peak…I’m just sayin’.

  164. I peed my pants a little bit when I read this. Thanks for a good laugh!

    Theresa recently posted What do you think of the new look.

  165. I love the one you did. you have to see this channel on youtube.. It is hilarious

  166. I am thoroughly disappointed that we will never get to know the identity of said product that I might save 10% off of if I would have clicked on the link 1000 times and then bought it – it would have helped you and now I can’t and that makes me super sadilicious.
    If the product was a bottle of viagra and a new penis pump a lot of your women readers are gonna be super mad at you. Perhaps you could just post a high resolution shot of you having sex with the sasquatch after playing chinese freeze tag (why you gotta get all ethnic on us???) then that would be a sure replacement to the product that we are obviously missing out on. Now what will I tweet or facebook about??!

  167. F You! F you all to hell! I was pretending to work. but laughing out loud kind of gives the game away!

  168. the funny. you have it. in a shoebox with four dead cats.

  169. I’m with Lisa, I had to stop watching the video because the shirt nipples were just too disturbing. :-)

  170. Holy crap, there aren’t words to express how much I enjoyed that. (Twilight – “I have no words.”)

    She may not be able to say sasquatch, but she says marionette fantastically AND she gives a really good bitchface. Highly entertaining. And thank you.

    Penelope recently posted Nausea and Me - AUmmmStory.

  171. They sure know how to make you a deal they themselves can’t refuse.

    Fred Miller recently posted You Smell Like a Big Rubber.

  172. They sure know how to make you a deal they themselves can’t refuse.

    Fred Miller recently posted You Smell Like a Big Rubber.

  173. I just totally adore this. From sasquatches to chinese freeze tag, you cover a few square miles of silly. Brrrrrrrilliant!

    Dangerboy recently posted Choosy Moms Choose.

  174. This is hysterical– and so common it’s not even funny! I am a much much smaller blog than you, I don’t do much advertising just yet, and I have still gotten almost identical emails. That shows you how little research is done on the bloggers that are being pitched. I shake my heads at some brands- advertising is advertising, no matter what the medium. Would you expect newspapers and magazines to run your ads for free? sheesh.

    Hysterical explanation of this! Love it! (PS, I hope they don’t really send you dead cats. I’m not sure I wouldn’t expect them..)

    Ashley @ Just Another Mom of 2 recently posted You’re Moving to Alaska.

  175. I want to play Chinese Freeze Tag with you (wait, I don’t even know what that is).

    http://mothersofbrothersblog.blogspot.com

    MOV

  176. I LOVE all the emails I get from people about how interested my readers would be in their product, blog post, cheap Viagra. And that they never want to pay me anything. You know what my readers are interested in? Spanx. Laughing. Sparkly stuff. My moments of idiocy.

    AmyBlam recently posted Baby Jesus is out of the trunk and Mary and Joe FINALLY arrived.

  177. Oh, Jenny, you are the Queen of ripostes. However, I will say that the avatar of you on Xtranormal is too creepy for words – the teeth, the teeth. I will help you improve your cartoon image in return for a kidney transplant or a vacation to that cool fake western town you went to. Your choice.

  178. Jenny! You are FEARLESS! (according to Kikolani.com)

    Women in Blogging: 125 Fearless Female Bloggers

    Jenny Lawson
    Jenny writes for Good Mom / Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle. Her blog, The Bloggess, has the satirical tagline “Like Mother Teresa, Only Better.” Her latest posts include Does Boone’s Fine Apple Wine Count as Produce, There Are a Lot of Machine Guns on This Vacation, and And Then I Met Neil Gaiman.

    Follow her @thebloggess on Twitter.

    PS> I love you and only alittle in a creepy way

  179. You bitch slapped a 10% discount that you could have passed on to your readers?! Fine, but I think you owe us a dead cat giveaway!

    BuenoBaby recently posted That time I forgot I had a baby.

  180. I’m sure it was the *CHINESE* freeze tag that they found insulting…

    Colleen - Mommy Always Wins recently posted Kindergarten cop.

  181. It sounds like you got the email version of those automated phone menus. Coulda been worse:
    You “I need help. This is an emergency!”
    Machine “Did you ask for help with your emerging currancy? Please say yes or no.”
    You “No! I fell in the bath tub!”
    Machine “I’m sorry. Did you say you need a butt rub? Please say yes or no.”
    You “Ummm… okay”

    AIDS day today, were you aware?

    If I were God recently posted AIDS- a test of straight souls- Not a punishment for gay ones.

  182. plus if you had a Sasquatch people would probably mess with it and then it’d kill them. Then a giant mob would hunt it/you down or it would kill you one night after you decided to paint it’s nails Fuchsia.

    clevelandpoet recently posted the one with shoes.

  183. This is hysterical!!! I read this aloud to my co-worker (who is not a blogger) because it was THAT funny.

    I totally heart your snarkiness.

    Best,
    Li
    @LaLicenciada
    @HerDeepThoughts

    Li recently posted LushLunes - Living In The Now.

  184. “Welp, you drive a hard bargain. How about we send you a digital photo of a thousand dollars in exchange for three high quality prints of what our link might look like on your website?”

    And thus, an economy was born.

  185. 189
    Pam up north

    Jenny, your unique style, professionalism, and polish outshine everything…you are my hero!
    (you had me at um…no)

  186. Invisibility cloak…fucking genius!

  187. Here is what this post has turned into for my sister and me on our Facebook pages. Other people are so confused:

    You will send me the Ring of Power. I will send you a high-quality photo of me wearing it while I hang out with Gandalf at Cedar Point.

    You will send me a Red Ryder BB Gun. I will send you high-quality photos of me locking it in a safe because otherwise I would shoot my eye out.

    You will send me a long, skinny block. I will send you a high-quality photo of me using it to get a Tetris.

    You will send me a mushroom. I will send you a high-quality photo of me being taller.

    You will send me a pair of scissors. I will send you a high-quality photo of me cutting my sister’s hair into a mullet.

    You will send me a Rancor. I will send you a high-quality photo of me crushing it beneath a large door in the dungeon of Jabba’s palace.

    You will send me a leg lamp. I will take a high-quality photo of me unwrapping it as though it is a major award.

  188. Bloggess,
    you may have a brand-new career staring you in the face as an Anti-Marketeer. . . . have you seriously considered it?
    The way it works is, you insistently tell the marketers how lame they are and eventually they will have to pay you to go away and quit bothering them.
    This has GOT to be lucrative!!!!!!

    I would move into the field but I am currently caught up in my Denial Of Reality gig which is taking all of my time.

  189. I’ve been out the loop for the last while (oh hell, who I’m I kidding? I’ve always been out of the loop) but you just seem to have gotten better and better as time rolls by.

    I’ve just spent the afternoon (when I was supposed to be doing “something more productive”) catching up on your posts and have now run out of kleenex from laughing so hard that I cried (that’s a good thing.)

    Anyways, thank’s for still being here and cracking me up!

    Angela Mahler recently posted The Lucky Get Green Bracelet.

  190. Thank you for the hearty laugh! I needed it :)

  191. Man, you are a greedy little bitch, aren’t you? $18 could probably feed some spindly-limbed potbellied kid in a third world country for a month but noooooooooooo, it’s not enough for The Bloggess.

    I smell what you’re steppin’ in – I wrote a rant about the same topic a few weeks back. :) Would LOVE for you to take a look.

    http://tershbango.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-opinions-for-sale.html

    Tershbango recently posted Nurse Tricia.

  192. My blog has been viewed eleventy million times this month.

    Whitney

  193. I can’t decide which is sexier, Texan or British. The thing is, when you want a Texan, a Brit just won’t do.

    Fred Miller recently posted You Smell Like a Big Rubber.

  194. Har. And ugh. Clueless, soulless marketing interns. Perhaps their side of the conversation was actually generated by a GPS chip? Because you do get on well with GPS voices, I’ve read. Did you get lost at all in the making of this post? Did you turn left at the marketing wanker?

    Bill in NZ recently posted US Launches First Strike in New WikiLeaks War- ‘Casualties’ Include Nixon- Putin- JFK and Mr Winky.

  195. Add in there “and we’d like for you NOT to mention that this is sponsored content” and I had a very similar conversation this morning!

    Maureen @ Wisconsin Mommy recently posted Cottonelle Moist Wipes Review.

  196. i like this tactic – it works well with telemarketers. when they ask for me, i say … “she’s dead you asshole.” then i listen to them fumble awkwardly. Finally I interrupt and say, “Just kidding! But seriously, you’re an asshole. Don’t call me again.”

    now i just need people who want to pay me for advertising on my blog.

    anna @ the hookup column recently posted Tucker Rhymes with Sucker.

  197. You are a genius.

    Did you get the “put christ back in christmas this holiday with chocolate?” pitch yesterday? Now I always think of you when I check my email, often. You are full of winner.

    Steph

    Adventures In Babywearing recently posted Christmas Dolly.

  198. Wow – I’m going to walk around all day saying “four dead cats in a shoebox” with a british accent. . . . over and over and over. Thanks for that.

  199. The Coupon Goddess sent me your way and I am indebted to her for doing so.

    I’ve had a cold for 2 weeks and I just laughed so hard I think I coughed up all the gunk that’s been pestering me.

    You’re better than antibiotics!!!

    And I agree, the comments are every bit as funny as your post. All I can say is I’m hooked!

  200. I LOVE THIS! ROFLMAO!

    Stef at TooMuchToDoSoLittleTime.com recently posted Remodel- Part 20- Eureka.

  201. Dang it. Why am I always five days late and ten dollars short??? I was going to be so clever and tell you this HAD to become an Xtra Normal video…but apparently 11 million people before me thought the same thing.

    Fortunately, for all of us, you did it! The video was fantastic!

    Now all 11 million of us need to pester Xtra Normal to create a ‘Texan accent’ option, because I am pretty sure it would come in handy in LOTS of videos.

    Thanks for such a funny blog! It is keeping my house from getting cleaned right now, but it is also helping my sanity.

  202. “WHAT IF THEY WERE SELLING SEX ROBOTS?”

    The Coupon Goddess sent me. I am so glad she did! I cannot stop laughing. I have to follow you now.

    Frances recently posted Cooking Thanksgiving dinner.

  203. 207
    Elaine Lund

    The Coupon Goddess sent me! LOL! You made my day….

  204. I’ve been repeating “You will send me a cloak of invisibility and I will send you high-quality photos of me being invisible in it.” to myself and others all day and cracking up. TOTALLY full of win.

    Liz Coopersmith recently posted Countdown to Your DIY Wedding.

  205. Very funny, needed the laughs….. Retweet for sure.

  206. Ok, great. Thanks. I’m now going to have to sell approximately 94 gajillion text links on my own site (or 12 sasquatches) to pay for the new keyboard that I need after spitting up coffee all over it. Not just any coffee, mind you. Nose coffee. It’s like normal coffee, except it gets sprayed all over your laptop via your nostrils.

    So yeah. Thanks a bunch.

    PS: Would you like a high res photo of my coffee-destroyed keyboard as payment for making me laugh so hard? I can provide, you know. Hundreds of other blogs are interested in this offer, though, so don’t wait too long to make a decision.

  207. That was sooo great. I love the:
    You will send me four dead cats in a shoebox. I will send you high-quality photos of them as marionettes.
    part :)))

  208. I am dying… Laughing so hard!

    Bravo, you!

    And, that comment of the day… Priceless!

  209. How do you play Chinese freeze tag?

  210. I like how they were all scary Russian sounding. (not that Russians are scary, I’m just sayin) It was all like, “You will place the links on your blog.” Kind of like, “It places the lotion on its skin.”

    Karsun recently posted Short But Sweet Conversations.

  211. 216
    littlepitcher

    You must have had an American on the phone. Boss man asks the foreign folks who call up to sell us web pages, if they will star in a porn with him. This will have to do until Skype and FaceTime develop add-on hold screens with a representational Big Middle Finger for the BTB telemarketers.
    Which brings up the recollection of the old Tennessee mountain woman who received a call from a telemarketer who wanted to sell her a cemetery plot. She cackled “Sugar, I don’t need one of those a-tall. Up here, we eat our dead.”
    Bloggess, you rock and roll.

  212. somebody just sent me this link – HYSTERICAL! thanks for making me laugh!

  213. […] UPDATED: That last one was a bluff so it’s probably good that they passed. I can’t even keep a d… is another great post from The Bloggess about her email interactions. Two things to be learned here. One, Jenny’s got a lot of time on her hands. Two, Jenny is hilarious. Read her blog as religiously as I do. […]

  214. If I ever meet one of your other readers in the street, I wil recognise them instantly.
    They will be covered in coffee stains and their noses will drip expresso, furthermore they will smell of urine.
    Personally I am not snorting coffee or wetting myself but I am smiling. Obviously it is my british, stiff upper lip that saves me from drooling and incontinence.

  215. I want to be like you when I grow up lol

    Alexandra recently posted Happy Saturday.

  216. I love that people actually respond to you.

    Anna recently posted Better off as friends.

  217. […] we hate an ungodly high percentage of marketers. But as we’ve noted before, The Bloggess has much, much more fun hating them than we do. // Last 5 posts by KenE! Wins Satire Immunity Challenge – December 6th, 2010TSA Rolls Out "Cool […]

  218. “You will write a review about our product. We will send you high quality photos of the product if you agree.”

    I agree. However, I reserve the right to Photoshop your product photos in anyway that I want and completely make up new and exciting uses for or facts about your product. “What most people don’t know about the Ronco Turnip Twaddler is that it hides a live bobcat inside of it. Don’t believe me? Check out this high quality product photo that I totally didn’t edit like crazy in Photoshop.”

    TechyDad recently posted And Then What.

  219. HILARIOUS. Thanks for the laugh this cold, dead morning!

  220. I love you, that’s all I can really say because that right there was so bloody hilarious.

    Daniel Devereux recently posted Harry Potter and the Homo-erotic subtext.

  221. Funny. When I started reading this post I was all like, “She should *totally* put this on xtranormal. Then I saw your update and thought, “Wow, I’m not nearly as original as I thought I was a minute ago.” But then this video sent to your other one and now I don’t care that I don’t have any original thoughts, because *that* was fuckin’ funny.

    Kayly Newcomer recently posted Eating Fat by the Spoonful.

  222. I think you could have got $20 if you had pushed. Just think how that could have changed your life!

  223. How do you fit 4 dead cats in a shoebox?
    You can’t and as such, I can see why they didn’t go for that offer.

  224. Can I just send this when I get ridiculous pitches…it sure would save me some time!

  225. I snorted my diet coke this morning!!

    My husband kept getting phone calls from the NRA — like two to three times a day– and they just wouldn’t quit. We told them to take his name off their list. They still called. We told them he moved out of the country. They still called. Finally, in sheer desperation the last time they called I blurted out: “Seriously? Quit calling me and asking for my dead husband that was killed with a gun. You are stirring up painful wounds.”

    They were speechless, apologized and hung up. They’ve never called back.

    I then had to explain to my sobbing children that overheard that their father was in fact NOT dead but happily watching the football game upstairs.

  226. This was wonderful. I made the mistake of reading it in public, and now I am the crazy cackling girl in the library.

    Cait recently posted Ive Never.

  227. This is in need of applause… -CLAP CLAP CLAP-

  228. I actually HAVE a dog as big as a pony……

    and what’s with the “marketer’s” nipple-pockets in the video?

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