Last weekend at a thrift shop I found a small, stuffed monkey, which seemed to have some sort of snout leprosy and would probably murder us in our sleep.
I named him “Copernicus”.
I immediately picked the monkey up and turned to Victor with wide eyes, as I struggled to keep my voice down to a whisper so that the shop-girl wouldn’t realize how much I was interested.
me: Victor. Oh. Em. Gee.
Victor: Oh, holy shit. Put that thing down.
me: Are you fucking crazy? HE NEEDS US. Plus, he is made of awesome. And nightmares.
Copernicus: MISTER, CAN YOU SPARE A HUG?
Victor: Did you just make that monkey talk?
Copernicus: A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.
Victor: What is wrong with you?
me: OH MY GOD, HE’S FANTASTIC. Plus, he just used “strangle” as a noun. Who does that? Copernicus the homicidal monkey, that’s who.
Copernicus: YOUR FACE LOOKS DELICIOUS. I WILL CHEW ON IT WHILE YOU SLEEP.
me: See. He just gave you a compliment.
Then I followed Victor around the store, speaking in a squeaky monkey voice and trying to convince him that Copernicus would save us money because I could use him to make home-made Valentines for our kid to hand out at school. But he was $15 and that’s a lot of money to spend on a haunted monkey, so I set it on the counter and prepared to haggle with the girl running the shop.
me: I realize you’re probably very attached to this monkey as you can see his potential, but I was wondering if $15 was really the best you could do. Because he’s missing a lot of his face.
shop-girl: I just work here. I’m not really allowed to made deals.
me: He smells like what I would imagine syphilis smells like.
shop-girl: What did you have in mind?
shop-girl: How about $7?
me: I think you don’t know how negotiations work.
shop-girl: Honestly, I don’t want to have to touch it to put it back on the shelf.
me: SOLD. No bag necessary. I’ll carry him out.
Victor: LIKE HELL YOU WILL. That thing is not touching my car.
me: He doesn’t mean that, Copernicus.
Shop-girl: Paper? Plastic?
Victor: How about something burlap? On fire.
me: He can ride home on your shoulder! You’ve always wanted a monkey!
Victor: What? I’ve never wanted a monkey.
me: EVERYONE WANTS A MONKEY.
Victor: Not me.
me: Well…that’s what’s wrong with you.
Victor: I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU PAID $7 FOR THAT.
me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
(We were both yelling, but for two entirely different reasons.)
Copernicus: WHERE DO YOU GUYS KEEP THE KNIVES?
Victor: SHUT UP, COPERNICUS.
UPDATED: I’ve already made the first three valentines day cards and I’m pretty sure Hallmark will be calling me this week.