I’ve been traveling a lot for the last two weeks and so I’m tempted to do what I usually do and just forget to post any of it, but instead I’m going to hit the major points of the last few weeks as copied directly from my journals, twitter and shit I wrote on the back of napkins. It’s going to be confusing as hell and you can totally skip it.
Where I’ve been the last few weeks, part 1: THE NATHAN FILLION SAGA
Remember six months ago when I asked everyone on twitter to send me 11 cents and I ended up with $402, which I was going to use to buy a taxidermied pig dressed as Scarlett O’Hara? Me either. But it happened. Then the pig deal went pear-shaped, so instead I decided to offer the money to Nathan Fillion for a picture of himself holding twine, because I thought it would go well with the picture Wil Wheaton sent me of himself collating paper. Nathan Fillion ignored numerous requests, so instead I did the next logical thing and used the money to take a Cuban, amputee alligator named Jean-Pierre (who was dressed as a pirate) on a plane trip.
Still, the people demanded photos of Nathan Fillion holding twine and still, Nathan Fillion tossed his manly hair and ignored us in the most handsomely rugged way he possibly could. Yes, it was disappointing for all of us, but the masses came to the rescue and sent me tens of pictures of Nathan Fillion holding twine. They were all were photoshopped. This one was my favorite.
This one was nice too:
But even now, half a year later, people still ask me “Did Nathan Fillion ever send you a picture of himself holding twine?” and I answer (with a touch of melancholy and stoic braveness), “No. But I still have hope.”
So that’s why (when I went to California two weeks ago to visit my sister) I decided to once again extend an olive branch to Nathan Fillion the only way I knew how…by annoyingly harrassing him on twitter.
A series of one-sided tweets I sent to Nathan Fillion over a 12 hour period:
“@nathanfillion ~ I just realized that we’re BOTH in California today. How many other people can say that? It’s probably a sign we should meet.”
“@nathanfillion - I can come to you. Or we can meet at Shakey’s. I’m totally craving pizza. I’ll bring the twine.”
“@nathanfillion : I am totally not dangerous. Just ask half of my 140k followers. (The other half are liars.)”
“@nathanfillion - I just realized that I wasn’t even following you. WTF, me? No wonder you haven’t dmed me. I look like an idiot.”
“@nathanfillion - I cannot find any twine in Hollywood. It’s no wonder you’ve had such a hard time. I apologize. Let’s switch to dental floss.”
“@nathanfillion - I’ll be at Shakey’s Pizza in about 30 mins. If I don’t hear from you I’ll assume you’re on your way.”
“@nathanfillion - Great! I’ll see you there. First round’s on me.”
“Surprising all nay-Sayers, @nathanfillion came to Shakeys. He was disguised as an elderly Asian woman & refused to break character.”
“Say what you want about @nathanfillion, but the man knows how to commit to a role.”
PS. My sister and I tried to convince Shakey’s to change the sign outside to say “WELCOME, NATHAN FILLION” but it already said “Happy 6th birthday, Kevin” and they said they didn’t want to change it because they suspected that Nathan Fillion wasn’t really coming to meet me there. Apparently Nathan Fillion has gained quite a reputation around town.
I’m happy to say though that that reputation was unfounded:
PPS. That’s not a real picture of me and Nathan Fillion in Hollywood. I apologize. It’s one of those pictures you get on Hollywood Boulevard where some guy in a street kiosk digitally makes you look like you’re standing next to someone famous for $15. I asked for Nathan Fillion and the vender was like “Who? I have no idea who that is.” The girl behind me asked for “Little Weezy” and vender guy was all “Him again? Everyone wants their picture taken with this Weezy!” Then I was like, “Isn’t she dead?” and the girl screamed “LITTLE WAYNE DIED?” and I was like “Oh, no. I thought you were talking about the lady from The Jeffersons. Little Wayne is fine.” It was an emotional day for everyone concerned.
PPS. I still believe in you, Nathan Fillion.