Dear internet: You have lost your damn mind. Never change.

If this is your first time here you should skip this post.  Really.  Go away until tomorrow.  It’s one long run-on sentence and makes almost no sense and it’s filled with typos.  I haven’t slept in two days.

The last 36 hours has been strange even by my personal standards.  First of all, after two years of turmoil and struggle I was finally recognized for my contribution in the field of politics when I was presented with a Shorty Award.  It was a big night for me and I may have screamed a bit, which was fine because I was actually watching it from home because I was too freaked out to go to New York alone and I think Victor broke his arm on purpose so that I wouldn’t walk up on stage in my panda suit to accept the award from that guy who does the Daily Show.  Also, I was told to submit my acceptance speech in case I win and I specifically asked them to have Jerry Stiller read it and accept the award for me, but when he came out on the stage at the beginning he looked so frail that I wanted to just put him in an egg container to keep him safe, and I silently prayed that they wouldn’t actually let him read my acceptance speech because I gave him stage directions that when he screams “WOLVERIIIIIIIIIIINES!” he should do it with victorious fist-pumping action, (ala Red Dawn) and I’m fairly sure it would have shattered all the bones in his body.  No one wants to be responsible for killing Jerry Stiller.

For those of you wondering what the fuck I’m talking about and why I even wanted a political award when I don’t actually have anything to do with politics, I will give you a short summary.  Part 1: 15 months ago I was somehow shortlisted in a political category for the Shorty Awards (it’s like the Oscars of Twitter) and I spent a lot of time telling The Shorty Award people that I’m not actually in government but it didn’t work because people kept voting for me ironically so I decided to run with it and took on NASA and the Mayor of New York.  Also, my personal hero (Author, Neil Gaiman) decided he’d run for the Customer Service category because the “author” category just seemed too fucking obvious, and also I think we were drawn to the idea of showing why voter-driven awards are fundamentally flawed.

Part 2.  I was a top finalist until the last day of voting when I was unceremoniously stripped of all of my votes because NASA paid them off.  I assume.  The Shorty People said it was because I’m not really a Government official.  They also stripped Neil of his Customer Service votes.  It was totally shitty but the city of Martindale Texas came to the rescue and named me as their official Czar.  I report to the stray cat that lives at city hall.  None of this is made up and I have pictures to prove it.

Part 3. I sent a strongly-worded email to the Shorty Awards demanding my votes be reinstated as I was now a Government official.  They told me I need a full year of service before it counts.  I think maybe the shorty awards don’t know how the Government works.

Part 4. The Shorty Awards hate ponies.

Part 5. The Mayor of Martindale traveled to Houston to present me with my crown, scepter, and a government proclamation (signed by the cat).  Then I was attacked on stage by a stray baby.

Part 6: In my duties as an official Czar of Texas I have judged and accidentally desecrated a beauty pageant (but forgot to write about it) and personally welcomed Neil Gaiman to Texas.  I planned to give him the key to the city but the only key I had on me was my mailbox key and I was expecting a package that week.

Part 7 (one year from ordinal update):  This is part seven.  It’s been a year of service and after many dedicated followers (thank you!) voted to reverse this travesty I found myself short-listed, and the finalist list went to the Academy to make the final vote.  It’s an Academy that includes MC Hammer.  This is all true.  Apparently MC Hammer is a fan of chaos and anarchy because I won.  They flashed my acceptance speech (recognizing Martindale, TX and the cat I report to) onto the screen and it was done.  It would have been more exciting except one of the other winners was a sandwich.  True story.  Winners include me, Conan O’Brien, and a sandwich.  I’m not sure what they’re going to do with my glass trophy since I wasn’t there to accept it but if they don’t want to mail it me I’m going to ask them to give it to a homeless person because homeless people deserve trophies too.

Then yesterday I asked everyone on twitter to paypal me 11 cents in the next 24 hours because I needed $1,000 to buy something incredibly stupid.  And they did.  Hundreds and hundreds of 11 cent paypal donation flooded in and I emailed out 450 thank you notes until my wrists seized up and I had to quit.  As of this moment people have sent in $402 in mostly 11 cent increments.  Which is completely insane.  And awesome.

Hard to argue with that one.

Sadly, this morning I was informed that the taxidermied pig (who died of natural causes) dressed as Scarlett O’Hara that I desperately wanted to buy was not properly preserved and is no longer a good investment because it’s “totally stinky”.  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed but I shall persevere.  And instead of saving up for my the next stupidest thing on my list (Hannah the drunken squirrel pianist ~ “Cognac is her drink of choice, while silly little love songs are her song of choice. She drinks until the songs become sad, then stops“) I’ve decided to take this money and give back to the community in the most ridiculous way I can think of.

Remember a few weeks ago when Wil Wheaton sent me a picture of himself collating papers so I could use it to stop spam?  Exactly.  That was awesome.  And that’s why I’m going to offer Nathan Fillion $402 to send me a picture of himself holding twine.  Sexily, if possible.

PS. If Nathan does not respond then I’m going to use the money to buy a bunch of pigmy goats for my neighbor because then I won’t have to be responsible for the goats but I can still play with them.  Best idea ever.

PPS.  The very best part of the whole Shorty Award ceremony:  Amanda Palmer plays tweets of random celebs…fucking awesome.

UPDATED: It’s been several days and Nathan Fillion not tweeted anything remotely regarding twine.  He did, however, tweet a picture of a fake dead cat covered in ketchup and another one of him stand next to food.  In other words, Nathan Fillion has lost his damn mind.  Personally, I’m concerned and I think perhaps we need to leave him alone.   The good news though is that I told Alyssa Milano that I seem to have inadvertantly terrified Nathan Fillion and asked if she could stand in for him and she replied “I’m confused”, which is totally a fair response.  Then I explained a bit further and she said she would totally be happy to send us a picture the very next time she did something incredibly random.  I suggested a picture of her thumbwrestling Sarah Silverman or or possibly having a staring contest with an animal but it’s really up to her.  Personally, it doesn’t even matter if she never sends anything.  The very fact that she responded at all makes her fucking classy in my book.  This would have a funnier ending if I didn’t only have 9 minutes before my laptop battery gives out.  Just pretend I wrote something hysterically right here.

271 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I need to lie down now.

  2. “And that’s why I’m going to offer Nathan Fillion $402 to send me a picture of himself holding twine. Sexily, if possible.”

    Oh dear God, please let this happen. Please let this be a Real Thing in the World.

  3. I think $402 on a Nathan Fillion pic is money well spent. Although a drunken squirrel pianist would be really fun too.

    Kay Bee recently posted My Tweets Dont Lie But Sometimes My Hips Do.

  4. I hope Nathan sends you the pic, but I kind of feel bad that Wil won’t get any compensation for his picture of collating paper. Still. the goats would be cool too!! Do we get to come play with them!?

    (Actually I did send Wil Wheaton $85 after he sent me his picture. It was totally worth $406 though. BARGAIN. ~Jenny)

    Deina recently posted Impulse Purchase at HPBs.

  5. I remember that ‘political’ post. Mainly because I got ‘comment of the day’ and basically ejaculated all over myself because I was so excited. It was either for that reason, or all the porn I was watching in a different window.

    potato, potato.

    This also makes me wonder if David Archuletta/Muffaletta ever won in the food category. I hate not following up on things.

    moooooog35 recently posted I Drew a Cartoon! - Some of you might not get this.

  6. We need that photo of Nathan Fillion. It is a necessity.

  7. Though I am sad about the pig… I’m sure the @NathanFillion pic will be the gift that keeps on giving.
    For most of you…
    And that one guy, yeah… him… over there.

    Tim recently posted Autocomplete has ruined my life…and in other news.

  8. Know why I love you so much Jenny? You make me feel normal. That’s hard to do. Seriously. Hard. To. Do.

  9. Definitely worth spending $402 on pigmy goats. If you have any left over, i’ll quite happily take the money off your hands as I quite fancy a Krispy Kreme doughnut, but I can’t justify spending what little money I have on one!

    Jon recently posted The Budget- More Protests and Upside Down Dogs.

  10. You, ma’am… you are my hero.

    T.M. Camp recently posted Adventure.

  11. There are no words to describe the awesomeness I feel flowing from my keyboard, into my fingers, up my arms, and into my head right now. You? Awesome. Paypal money? Awesome. Taxidermied pigs dressed as Scarlett O’Hare? Excruciatingly awesome. You are my hero, woman.

    vickilikesfrogs recently posted Tuesday Toss-Up.

  12. I sometimes fear that people think that I’m a know-it-all because I’ve done a bunch of things and been a bunch of places and funny things happen to me and I like to recount them in funny ways – and yes, maybe I DO talk to much.
    But then I get here and read your posts and get all the way to the bottom and realize that I have absolutely nothing relevant to add.
    Thank you for making me feel more secure.
    Love,
    Kit

    Kit recently posted Doing My Wifely Duty.

  13. 13
    Sincerely, Jenni

    My head hurts from reading this, but totally in a good way.

  14. No wait… you did send Wil something for the pic of him collating paper. I vaguely remember you mentioning you hoped the paypal address was right. So, ALL THE MONEY ON NATHAN!! Or goats. OR Nathan playing with pigmy goats,…. while holding twine, sexiliy. Or the coats could be holding the twine with their little goat teeth….

    Okay.. I need to stop before I start giggling hysterically at work and people think I’m weirder than they already think I am.

    Deina recently posted Impulse Purchase at HPBs.

  15. Sounds like Wil should have held out for more $$.

    This should totally be a regular feature. It would become the cool thing for celebs to send you pictures of themselves pointing at traffic cones or using a toothpick to clean the gunk out of a soap dispenser pump. Your Celebrities Photographed Near Random Objects could be the next Funny Or Die.

  16. I will totally send you another 11cents for Nathan Fillion and twine. I’ll up it to 22cents for Eric Bana and yarn.

  17. personally, i vote for the pigmy goats.

    or maybe you can find some fainting goats, because the entertainment value on that shit is infinite.

    regardless, i love you (not in a creepy way).

    andrea

    p.s. would victor let you get the pig if you offer to flash freeze it? then we’d all just donate additional monies (which i am MORE than willing to do) in order for you to purchase some kind of cryogenic chamber so that scarlett o’hara would stay frozen. then you can tell victor that you are going to charge admission for viewings, so really you’re totally contributing to your family becoming millionaire’s. honestly he should just thank you and shut up.

  18. I wish I had your brain for a day. But only for a day. I’m not sure I could handle it for any longer than that.

    Megan recently posted megan-maria- If Id known it was going to be this cold- I wouldve worn leggings under my jeans and shoes that werent flats.

  19. When I read moooooog35’s comment, I read potato with the same pronunciation both times.

    I swear to god it took me five seconds to figure out why a person would just say potato a couple of times in the middle of their post. Five long seconds.

    Adam Jones recently posted Inappropriate Haiku 5 Updated.

  20. I shall watch this page anxiously and hope for the best.

    Laura recently posted Accumulation is a dirty- dirty word.

  21. Damn, I missed the donating spree due to my poor internet…or possibly spending the past 48 hours playing video games.

    That amount is amazing – that’s over 3600 people! You should feel really proud of yourself, as we do :)

    And as for Nathan Fillion…step up to the plate man! You’re being shown up by Wil Wheaton! You think you can honestly live that down?

    Kim recently posted I could have sworn I had something interesting to say.

  22. I spent all last night defending my $.11 donation to my husband. He’s all “she could be trafficking humans or building mind controlling robots and you just funded that shit.”. It’s good to have something definite to tell him. I think ive earned that sexy picture of Nathan fillion.

  23. Your life is so gloriously weird. And I’m so very jealous of you.

    shannongc09 recently posted A Photo-Less Update.

  24. I’d pay $.11 for any sexy picture of Nathan Fillion. Hell, I’d pay $.20 but not until I find a new job.

  25. Also if your neighbor gets bored cleaning up pigmy goat poo then they can taxidermy the goats and dress them as a whole set of literary characters. You could start a dead animal puppet theater. Kids would love it.

    Molly recently posted Fun Times in the Parking Lot.

  26. If @Nathan Fillion held the twine between his teeth, then wrapped one end through his touseled hair, and let the other end dangle over his naked collar bone, with a flirty little twirl right just where the twine meets the bone, that would be quite sexy, I’ll bet.

    chickens consigliere recently posted Chicken Marketing.

  27. OMG – PLEASE buy fainting goats! Fainting goats are so much cooler than pygmy goats because they FAINT. I cannot think of a better way to spend $402. NO BETTER IDEA.

    Fainting goats FTW!

    Domestic Spaz recently posted Ooh- its a twofer! Or a sixfer! Even better!.

  28. If Nathan Fillion declines, maybe you could spend the $402 to get a picture of the decomposing pig dressed as Scarlet O’Hara holding a ball of twine.

    Sexily.

    Jon recently posted Well Thank God for THAT- Cloud Girlfriend.

  29. “Winners include me, Conan O’Brien, and a sandwich.” Someday if all of my scheming and dreams come to fruition, I will be named in the same sentence as you, a crazy ginger, and a delicious sandwich.

    John B recently posted UPDATED- fan page sure!.

  30. God almighty! This post alone is worth my 11 cents! – I should have donated twice, I probably will, when my stomach stops seizing up from laughing… I HAVE to see Nathan with sexy twine – Nay, I NEED TO!

    Jesper recently posted Vanity Vr9 from Jopen through the paces.

  31. I think this is the most awesome thing in the world.

    Unless, of course, Nathan Fillion gives you a sexy picture of him holding twine, because that would top everything. <3

    Suzan recently posted Even on Twitter- people must behave.

  32. –>I don’t even know where to begin.
    Nathan Fillon needs to do it because I have no clue who he is at the moment.

    WebSavvyMom recently posted Wordless Wednesday almost - He Doesnt Hate Picture Day.

  33. Can I borrow the goats to mow my lawn? It’s really hilly.

  34. I see. Very interesting. I completely understand your excitment. So sorry to hear about Patsy Swine and her stanky-ness. You win some, you lose some. So relieved to hear Jerry Stiller is still alive. Good luck on the pigmy goats. Be warned, however, I heard they can be a-holes.

    DMTF

  35. I am going to have to make sure I don’t neglect my bladder today because if Nathan Fillion sends you a picture of himself holding twine, I might pee in my pants.

    Karen recently posted Overheard in my office and by overhead- I mean read in my email.

  36. I can’t believe I had to Google Nathan Fillion because I loves him. I just never knew his name. But now that I know…I can’t stop picturing him wrapped in twine. And very little else. Totally worth $400.

    I feel a little bit dirty now.

    Kitten Thunder's Girl recently posted Caught- Red Pawed.

  37. I’m so torn now! I totally want to see a picture of Nathan Fillion holding twine, but I’ve been nagging my husband for pygmy goats for two years now, and living vicariously through your neighbours sounds like a good alternative.

    rilla recently posted Because the Roads Were Bad.

  38. Aw shit, dude. I was in New York all week, and I live in Austin. I totally could have brought that shit to you, but then some homeless person would be denied the joy of trophy ownership. I guess it’s for the best then.

  39. […] it needs to be shared and this post is as good as any. I absolutely fucking love The Bloggess, and this just makes me adore her more. The freshest in culture. Featured on PopPressed All in a Designer's Day's […]

  40. I wish sexily would have been spelled out–shirtless across a desk. Goats have to come before drunken squirrel-only because I don’t think $400 is enough to support the copious amounts sf alcohol and squirrel sized straws and glasses.

    The Dalai Mama recently posted Rich Kids Get Taught- Poor Kids Get Tested.

  41. I love this blog SO MUCH. SO,SO much!!

  42. everything about this is fanfuckingtastic. warms my heart.

  43. I agree – buy FAINTING GOATS! And be sure to videotape it when Hailey sees them and starts squealing and they fall over and Hailey starts screaming “GET UP! GET UP! MOMMY WHY WON’T THEY GET UP?” and you tell her it’s because she killed the goats by squealing at them and then she starts crying and then they get up and then she believes she is actually a phoenix because phoenix tears will heal wounds and bring the dead back to life and then she forgets and squeals again and then the goats faint and can I stop typing this run-on sentence now please?

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted WW- The Hero Tree.

  44. I had never heard of pygmy goats before today, and now I totally want a herd. In my neighbor’s yard, of course. As long as I am the one who gets to join the national association.

    Sarah recently posted Plants vs Zombies.

  45. 45
    Zippy The Poet

    O. Mah. Gawd. Nathan Fillion “sexily” holding twine? Girl, if you get that, then I’m officially nominating you as Czar of the Intertubes AND buying the t-shirt! Even if you don’t, you still rock, and now that I’ve gotten my paycheck, I’m heading over to buy a Wil Wheaton Collating Papers T-shirt — and donating towards the “Picture of Nathan Fillion Sexily Holding Twine” cause.

  46. I heart you so very much right now!

  47. This post made me feel like I was on Twin Peaks or something. I’m so happy for you in the face of this victory. Pygmy goats are terrifying. They will chase you around a pen with snappers of large goaty boogers attached to their noses. Don’t ask how I know.

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted That which doesnt kill you may fucking freak you out.

  48. @NathanFillion sexily holding twine! Oh yes please. Totally worth it.

    Penny recently posted Fat Bottommed Girls You Make the Rockin’ World Go Round.

  49. I am so hoping you buy the goats for the neighbor, I can’t wait to hear how that all turns out and would hope that the presentation of said goats to said neighbor is filmed and posted. I can just imagine how it would go if I bought goats for my neighbor and presented them to either of them.

    The Escrow Goddess recently posted OMG! You mean I just ate Flipper!.

  50. Someone’s head just exploded somewhere.

  51. What kind of sandwich?

    Angela@beggingtheanswer recently posted Where’s My Hand-Basket Recalculating.

  52. Nathan Fillion holding a pygmy goat…sexily!!

    NO NO, Amanda Palmer with a candle stick in the kitchen…or is that Clue? Anywho, as a card carrying member of The Bloggess Army (I made the card myself) I am super excited for your shorty award. Actually if you’re in politics does that mean you can use your army to declare war on competing blogs? I’m just curious.

    June with a Cleaver recently posted How TV Completely Ruined My Perception Of Love.

  53. Your life is epic. It puts Gone With the Wind to shame. And when I am making myself a sandwich for lunch today, I am going to remind that chicken salad on wheat that we both have the potential to be so much more. Pep talks work wonders on sandwiches…or maybe that’s pepper. *Pepper* works wonders on sandwiches. Anyway, good luck on the bribe to Nathan Fillion.

    HeathRobots recently posted Cant Go Without Hamm This Summer.

  54. Make sure to tweet if you need $0.11 more for the Nathan Fillion pic…I would totally pay for that.

    Also, Molly’s taxidermied pygmy goats idea is awesome.

    Amy recently posted Shoesday!.

  55. You should totally get the squirrel it would oh so classy ony anyone’s wall. Or a stuffed frog playing ping pong that would awesome.

  56. My in-laws live in Darwin, MN, home of the World’s Largest Ball of Twine Made By One Man. Do you suppose we could convince Nathan to come to Darwin & hold THAT ball of twine? ‘Cuz I think they know people who know people who would let us in the twine ball’s gazebo…

  57. Nathan Fillion is a sexy piece of man meat… and that’s coming from a gay lady. Good luck in your twine endeavors – hopefully he won’t be too tied up and able to send you a picture.

    Get it?

    RedMegs recently posted Hey Titi- Hows Your Two Moms- Ya Big Gaymo.

  58. I love you. That was the most random, most surreal, most awesome blog post.

    You win the internet for today.

    And if Nathan comes through, YOU BETTER SHARE THE SEXY TWINE.

  59. I’m so sorry that you weren’t able to get Scarlett O’Hara. I’m sure James Garfield would’ve liked a sibling.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Dragging out my soapbox again- Just WTF is this woman thinking.

  60. I love you. I have a whirlwind of a headache from laughing so hard.

    And… Nathan Fillon? If I had a credit card so I could have a PayPal account (if I had work to have a paycheck, to start with), I’d so totally pony up for *THAT*!

    Thank you for being who you are :)

  61. yesterday, i had a conversation with my husband (and yes, i know it’s a shock that somebody married me but i digress) he said that i should go to Texas to meet you because he thinks our conversations would be worth the airfare and that he had to go to Texas for business. Are you with me so far? at any rate, i was saying that you reminded me of me when i was younger but that you’re crazier (i think…i honestly can’t remember that far back) and maybe if i had grown up in a more permissive society i’d be crazier too.

    So then we decided that indeed i should meet you but honestly, upon reading this post, i think it’s conceivable you’re fucking crazy, even by my reduced standards.

    At any rate, you’re a hell of a lot of fun to read and the good news is that because of Firefly, i love Nathan Fillion so i would check out that pic. I didn’t send you the money though…although i like that 11 cents was a prime number.

    That’s about it…that’s my comment.

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which i can’t sleep.

  62. It’s probably sad how eagerly I am looking forward to hearing Nathan Fillion’s response to your offer. I so so so WANT to see this photo. I’m so excited by the prospect every single word in this comment has been typed at least twice due to errors brought on by extreme excitability.

    Let us know if you need more money. I have 11 cents right now. Friday is payday & probably I could go as high as 11 dollars then.

    stacey@Havoc&Mayhem recently posted Words on Wednesday.

  63. you should tell nathan fillion you would donate the $402 to a library because apparently that’s his pet cause.

  64. That is a crying shame about the Scarlet O’Hara pig. Was she wearing the green dress Mamie made from the drapes?? Because if I had a pig dressed as Scarlet that’s what she’d be wearing.

    However, Mr. Fillion is a wise investment indeed. And he’s a really cool guy. I have faith in him. He will come through for you. He’ll have to. Otherwise he’ll crumble under the weight of our MILLIONS of tweets.

    Rachel recently posted We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming.

  65. Jesus Christ, woman! Don’t waste your money on some damn pygmy goats! You want FAINTING GOATS. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_3Utmj4RPU)

    Also, if I hadn’t been reading your blog for a long time now, I’d call bullshit. All of this is REALLY bizarre, even for you. And I say that with the most love a person with a hangover can possibly give without vomiting down the front of her shirt.

    Chelsie recently posted The Science of Sameness.

  66. This is perhaps the MOST baffled I have ever been after reading your post.

    And I read the entire thing.

    And… Jenny… Jenny, I feel scared.

    I’m so confused.

    Also? You were robbed. Someway. Some how.

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Rhetorical Questions.

  67. Better idea…they should pay you $402 and bring you to NYC and you should be in Castle WITH Nathan Fillion. Because, he’s a writer on the show…you’re a writer. And I can only see this increasing the ratings. Come on ABC!

    SuzRocks recently posted Look at me- look at me- look at me!!!.

  68. I think you should take $100 of the money and buy this taxidermied angry raccoon:

    http://appleton.craigslist.org/for/2287761031.html

    Then offer Nathan Fillion $302 to pose with that. Win, motherfucking, win.

    Kisha Floren recently posted If only sarcasm was an Olympic event.

  69. And Fillion is Canadian.

    WOOT WOOT!

    StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted Rhetorical Questions.

  70. I’m pretty sure we’re soulmates. And that you got the shitty end of the deal. (It’s not often I get the winner bit. Lemme have my glory, wouldja?!)

    Ms. Pants recently posted file under- GFY.

  71. I would like to file a complaint against several of the people above as they stole my comments…that’s just not good manners.

    Jacqui recently posted Strange Things.

  72. Very long post Ms. Ess…And informational. I beleive next year I too will try and win a Shorty. In the category of “Person who has Failed to Use or Understand Twitter for the Longest in the Universe.” I’m a shoe-in.

    CatZila recently posted Lazy Ass Post.

  73. The comment that this commenter has is a question: IS THERE NOTHING YOU CAN’T DO?

    I say that in advance, because after Wil Wheaton Collating Papers, I am fully expecting to return to thebloggess.com later and find that you are in possession of Nathan Fillion Holding Twine (Sexily).

    God bless.

  74. I want to see a picture of the pig. Because you can’t smell him through the interweb.

    Also, can we have a picture of you coalating paper, sexily? Thanks.

    Annah recently posted Why You Should Always Wear A Shirt In Public.

  75. Um, that’s me you quoted there. Best eleven cents I EVER FUCKING SPENT. This is way better than having the same name as the chick from whom Barry Bonds (allegedly) threatened to violently remove the breast implants he purchased.

    And eleven million congratulations on the Shorty!

  76. I really hope Nathan Fillion follows through because that would seriously make my day. Year. Whatev. PLEASE!!

    Jen E @ mommablogsalot recently posted ww- his first tattoo.

  77. You are such an inspiration. And we shall all rejoice if he does the twine picture.

    Dangerboy recently posted The Tantrum Game.

  78. Seriously, one of my friends is Nathan Fillion’s cousin. I asked her to work her magic, but figured she doesn’t have much contact with him now that he’s a big star and all…….the response I got back:

    “I used to have his address, but he moved since. ” So, no such luck…..but I’ll gladly donate $.11 to the cause, but I insist he must be shirtless but still wearing his suspenders from Firefly!

  79. As much as I want to see Hannah the Drunken Squirrel Pianist (and I really, really wanna), I want to see Nathan Fillion holding twine. Sexily. Do you know how hard it is to explain your blog to people and not have them give me the “you crazy” side-eye? Now I’m off to twitter the challenge to Captain Mal.

    NerdGirl recently posted No Just NO!.

  80. You won??? Of course you won, you’re a czar. Also, Marina who?

    Now I’ll read the rest of your post.

    Mr Farty recently posted That Was The Week- Was It.

  81. Is it too late to modify the Nathan Fillion request to demand that he wears his Captain Hammer costume? Please say no.

    Elly Lou recently posted I’m Going into TV or More Paula Deen Licking Things.

  82. I bet if it were a taxidermied pig dressed as Rhett Butler, Victor wouldn’t have a problem with it. Victor doesn’t get art AND he’s an anti-feminist.

    redredwein recently posted Justice For All.

  83. Ohhhh Jenny…once again I am completely flabbergasted and elated at the same time. And confused. But in a good way. While I do love me some Nathan Fillion, I think you need to get some goats. But not the pygmy ones, the fainting ones.

    Jen S. recently posted Chocolate Irish Cream Cupcakes.

  84. I hate to say anything negative about goats because I’m going to get some in my next life but I could dress in horns and faint myself if you got a picture of Nathan Fillion holding anything, but twine is suitably odd.

    Penbleth recently posted The rascal resurfaces.

  85. Second thought – Nathan Fillion holding a fainting goat – as it faints. That would be top dollar right there.

    Penbleth recently posted The rascal resurfaces.

  86. If anyone can hold twine sexily, it’s Nathan Fillion. And if anyone WILL do it…it’s Nathan Fillion.

    Cranky-faced Knitter recently posted Ladypants.

  87. First – Congratulations. They couldn’t give the award to anyone more deserving and awesome. Unless Nathan Fillion was also nominated in which case, sorry sister, but I gotta go with Captain Tightpants.

    Second – if you manage to get a picture of Nathan Fillion holding twine – or anything – for $402, you are my new lifetime hero. End of story. Can I get a copy of that?

    Becky Mochaface recently posted Hump Day Humor- The Bartender Hates You.

  88. The biggest shocker to me of this whole thing is the fact that you wrote 450 thank you emails. Imagine my sheepishness remembering the 2 weeks it took me to remember to text the inlaw “thanks for the Wii” after my husbands birthday. Piggy Scarlett would have been proud, Jenny. Just you remember that…

    Lacie recently posted I Brought Chutes and Latters With Me.

  89. I just found your blog. I wish I was as funny as you. Were you always funny? Like when you were a kid did you get in trouble in school for be a cut up? If you ever want to come to Alaska email me and I’ll help you figure out your trip!

  90. Congratulations!

    And now, in the tradition of governments everywhere, you can go back on your word and completely shit on the people who voted for you. EVERYBODY WINS.

    [Yes, I AM a bit bitter about the world today, why do you ask?]

    Suniverse recently posted Things to Worry About Because You Seem A Little Too Calm.

  91. Uh Oh, your neighbors don’t have a shoe fetish do they? Cause based on your post (Goat shoes) it does NOT bode well for the goats, your mental health and property values. Unless of course you actually HATE goats and WANT to see them running around on their unzippered foot stumps.

    Kimmy recently posted Safety &amp Sht.

  92. You are such a saint! Homeless people DO need trophies. They use them to hold their place under bridges.

    Also, thank you for not killing Jerry Stiller.

    SisterMerryHellish recently posted Sex- Ties and Reconditioning.

  93. Congratulations?

    Also, I’m in love with Nathan Fillion. I will DO anything to/for/on top of/underneath him to help you get the photo. No charge. You’re welcome.

    Kernut the Blond recently posted Playing With Matches on Matchcom.

  94. I LOVE Nathan!! I miss Serenity:( I just saw that the movie “Super”(I think) And it has lots of great people in it, two of which are Raine Wilson and Nathan Fillion! I want to see it so bad. I really really hope he sends this picture, as previous people have mentioned we need it.
    I also LOVE LOVE LOVE this blog, never change.

  95. Congratulations!!! Although I am still confused about what it is that you won… I’m not very smart though.
    I would love to see a picture of Nathan Fillion holding twine- I hope that he submits to your demands. Yes, I meant every bit of what that implies.

    Johi recently posted My Things are growing like weeds- I mean a well-tended garden.

  96. I think at this point the Nathan Fillion pic is somewhat of a necessity. Also, it was inevitable. You got your taste of nerd-celebrities-holding-things because of Wil Wheaton and now you’re on to Nathan Fillion. Next thing we know you’ll be begging Neil Patrick Harris for a picture of himself tying his shoe so that you can get your “fix.” And now I’m off to tweet Nathan Fillion because I am nothing if not an enabler.

    Jodi recently posted Hot Water Wars.

  97. photo of Nathan Fillion holding twine = my future screensaver.

    Also In case that doesn’t pan out, I will totally tape a picture of Nathan Fillion on to my pencil sharpening/ walking robot and send you a video of Vic the robot/ Nathan walking AND holding a pencil.

    Tova recently posted AAAHHHH.

  98. I tend to agree with all 93 posts above me… well except for one, he was crazy. If you don’t know which one I am talking a bout, I am certainly not going to tell you, Geesh!

    Jerry Stiller gave me a present once, it was inappropriate I think, or maybe I dreamed it…not really to sure but regardless I got something, right?

    Carmen recently posted Weekly work headache.

  99. For $402, you should ask him to wear his Mal outfit. Complete with the holster.

    Rachael recently posted The Responsibility Monster.

  100. 1) go back on your meds. please.
    2) it’s ok if you don ‘t write every few days. post the funny ones, not the ones that try too hard.
    3) maybe your sister would like to sub so you can relax for a week and recup.
    4) there’s a lot of genuine sadness IN THE WORLD: tsunamis, earthquakes, poverty so give the money to charity.
    6) THANK YOU FOR GIVING A TROPHY TO A HOMELESS PERSON!

    Laurie F. recently posted I’m Thankful For… Chronic Babe Carnival.

  101. You get to be the czar of Texas? Does The Nuge know about this????

    momiss recently posted Throw down over Alzheimers.

  102. This post is full of awesome. And you’re right, if you’re not a regular reader, come back tomorrow because yeaah this post comes off a little crazed. But awesome!

  103. How did I not know of your awesome existence until this month? Geebus cripes, its like there is a whole world wide web out there that has nothing to do with Donkey Shows and mouthguards.

    Oh, yes- Sincere congratulations. I am in awe. total awe. There is NOTHING better than getting an award for something you don’t qualify for, and pursuing it the way you and your loyal followers have.

    Someday I am going to come visit friends in Austin, and we are going to drink 30 year scotch in your honor.

    LA Juice recently posted Mothra Faulkner- Swearing- Spaulding’s 4th grade and Shame.

  104. I’m so proud of you. I’m catching up through the archives while I eat lunch and so the horror of the whole Shorty debacle is still very fresh in my mind. It’s like it happened just last week. I am so happy you finally got what was coming to you.

  105. Jenny–
    If you do get @nathanfillion to agree to this sexy twine holding madness, could you at least present the $406 to him in person with a giant novelty check? Preferably a giant novelty check that is a life-sized image of a pig dressed as Scarlett O’Hara?

    That would be neat.

  106. Change the twine to a hammer. Possibly two hammers. The hammer is his penis, after all. Also, he’s a Captain AND a bestselling author AND really attractive. And I met him! Three times! And he is also SUPERNICE and even hotter in person. Srsly, I’d leave my boyfriend for him.

    Anyway, yeah. Hammer(s), not twine. And maybe no shirt. NEGOTIATE JENNY!!!!!!

  107. Yay! You got shorty!
    I wish I had your fundraising capabilities….
    pure genius.

    Steph recently posted I May Have Scarred My Oldest Daughter for Life.

  108. HA HA, to the person that wrote I’m a total bitch on my blog. I’m NOT!!!

    Laurie F. recently posted I’m Thankful For… Chronic Babe Carnival.

  109. Congrats on your Shorty!
    I am oh so glad I found your stickers in the bathroom at Blogher. Not that I wasn’t reading you before, but it was like rolls & rolls of stickers on the last night and it reminded me that I needed to stop by here more frequently. Definitely glad I do ’cause you make me happy!

    mar recently posted the party dont stop.

  110. I feel bad for Laurie F. because I thought she needed to lighten up and then someone went and was rude and that just sucks when obviously if she saw Nathan Fillion holding twine (esp if he was even partially nekkidddddd — oh my) then she would feel better and realize that this is your brilliance ON meds. Duh.

    Maybe Laurie F. is Victor’s online “persona”?

    KYouell recently posted Still More Serendipitous Neighboring Tweets.

  111. I just want to clarify to Adam in comment #19 that I intended to have ‘potato, potato’ read with the same pronunciation so, Adam, I’d say that was 5 minutes very well spent.

    moooooog35 recently posted I Drew a Cartoon! - Some of you might not get this.

  112. I totally have a giant ball of twine if you want it. It’s larger than my head. And I am trying to cover up the plethora of zits on my chin that are obstructing all the wrinkles. TWITPIC is totally fucked up right now…that took a lot of work. But you are so worth it.

    http://twitpic.com/4f1ucn

    A Vapid Blonde recently posted Why You Should Think Twice About Sending That Chain Email- A PSA From Me.

  113. Dear Jody Who Called Me A Bitch:
    I am seriously NOT a bitch but if you would like to think of me that way, please do. I did get a little snarky oon purpose but it is kind of tense around here right now. Besides, it’s nothing that my beloved Jenny hasn’t seen or read or written. I love her. @ Kyouell, I really think that now, you are my new Will Wheaton and would be happy to post a picture of you on my blog.

    Laurie F. recently posted I’m Thankful For… Chronic Babe Carnival.

  114. 114
    Jennifer S

    I met Nathan Fillion back in 2008. He was beyond awesome. He swiped my blue walking cane (I have RA) from me and began beating small children and antelope with it. After that he signed it with a silver sharpie and gave it back with a smile.

    Okay okay. He only tapped the antelope with it. He totally thrashed the kid though. Over the head.
    No. No that’s alie. But the rest is true word for word. I have pics of him but he isn’t holding twine. And his eyes are red because I was poor and my camera didn’t have fancy red eye reduction on it.

  115. I’d actually prefer a picture of Nathan Fillion holding ME sexily, but whatever. Twine will do.

  116. that would be money well spent. !

    Devan @ Accustomed Chaos recently posted Wordless Wayback- Hair Today &amp Gone The Next linky.

  117. Nathan Fillion holding twine is the most awesome thing I have heard all day. Dear internets please make this real.

  118. I love this. I love this so much. I can barely stand the feelings.

  119. This post = better even than the week I spent on Bartman acid back in the early 90’s. Tell Fillion there’s an extra $5.39 in it for him if he holds the twine while doing a head shake/animal snarl combo. I’m good for it.

    Joules recently posted Top Ten Tuesday – Animation Sensations.

  120. I love you people. And that includes Laurie F. who is a very dear friend and is perfectly entitled to her opinion.

    There are actually two different people who’ve told me that I should give the money to Japan and I think that would be a lovely idea except that I specifically said I was fund-raising for something “incredibly fucking stupid”. If I give the money to Japan that would be false advertising. And also insulting to Japan. Raising money for worthy causes is incredibly important but one of my pet causes is the undeniable joy that comes from a group of people doing something incredibly silly for no reason other than to laugh together as a community. Eleven cents is a small price to pay for being able to say you contributed to something that made someone smile.

    But rest assured that the two other Japan fundraising things that have already been done on this blog were quite successful and, in fact, several of the eleven cent donations actually came from Japan (a country which embraces the value of inanity and laughter to an amazing degree). However, if you’d like to bully Nathan Fillion into giving his hard-earned twine money to Japan you can totally do that. Just be aware that turnabout is fair-play and it’s entirely possible that one day someone will follow you around all day, shaking their head in dismay as you buy coffee and chapstick and pantyhose as they loudly point out that you could be donating that money to starving children in Africa. I’m not sure why anyone would do that but crazier things have happened. For instance, I just offered Nathan Fillion $406 for a picture of him with twine. All bets are off at this point.

  121. If the Internet was a game, you’d be winning.

  122. I CANNOT stop laughing!

    Lianne Marie Binks recently posted Dont forget your date with me.

  123. I think you’re my hero. And I’m planning to vote for you for president, just to prove how screwed up the American voting system is. LOL

    Be sure to post the Nathan Fillion pic as soon as you get it.

  124. Every time I read your blog, I laugh harder and love you more.

    If any man can hold a ball of twine in a sexy fashion, Nathan Fillion is that man. He could probably threaten with said twine quite handily too.

  125. My favorite part is you judging the beauty pageant! I adore you!!!

  126. That’s why we ALL love you. But, could you finish the advise you were giving me, it got cut off. I seriously need all the (witty) or otherwise ideas to stop worrying! Love, LF

    Laurie F. recently posted I’m Thankful For… Chronic Babe Carnival.

  127. I wish I was your neighbor because then *I* would get the pigmy goats and anyone who knows me knows I love pigmy goats. Did you know you can dress them up? Kind of like those stupid plastic geese that people have on their porches… except the pigmy goats are REAL. Who wouldn’t love a real, live pigmy goat dressed up in a bright yellow rain slicker on their porch?

    Phoenix Rising recently posted Grab the saddle- kids Mamas gonna check out a bathroom.

  128. Twitter is down. I assume it’s because everyone is harassing Nathan Fillion for the picture of him and the sexy twine.

    Karen recently posted Overheard in my office and by overhead- I mean read in my email.

  129. You could always buy the pygmy goats and ship them to Nathan Fillion. I’m SURE he would be so grateful that of course he’d send you the picture.

    annettek recently posted moving sale.

  130. 130
    Akilah Sakai

    I got high reading this. Which is awesome … free drugs. Winning!

  131. I think you should consider buying a 4 foot tall stuffed Jackalope dressed in faded overalls with a fiddle leaning up beside him and a sign in his hands reading “Will Fiddle For Food!” You could name him Eustace. If I can’t have him, I can vicariously live through your enjoyment of him!

    Congats on the Shorty!

    Anna, The Pilot’s Wife

  132. I am seriously hurting for cash and would consider sending you pictures of myself doing a LOT of things for $402.

    You know, if you’re interested.
    Hired?

    Libby recently posted After I posted this- all the ads on my side bar are for things like the Oral B tongue cleaner What Google must think of me.

  133. 133
    pinatasgotthebat

    Poor Nathan Fillion.
    You *really* wanted the taxidermied pig (albeit not just ANY taxidermied pig) but in lieu of that, HIS PICTURE will do? If he finds out he’s only the consolation prize to Ms. O’Hara, I would suggest keeping him *away* from twine. And shoelaces. Just sayin’.

  134. Me: so, the bloggess…
    My husband: you sent her money again, didn’t you?
    Me: well, she needed it
    Hub: for what?
    Me: something stupid
    Hub: genius

  135. Considering Scarlett O’Hara lived in the time before hot showers and Bath and Body Works, she probably stank as well. So really, the taxidermied pig IS authentic and the owner doesn’t know this. I think you should take her for all she’s got. Assuming it’s a she. Oh, is the pig a male pig or a female pig? Because honestly? It’s way more awesome if the pig was a he. That shows comfort in his masculinity, even after death. Preserved FOREVER.

  136. I personally prefer Pearl the Entomologist. http://www.etsy.com/listing/70233782/loved-to-death-taxidermy-memento-mori
    And she’s cheaper.

    Cassie recently posted what the hell calendar.

  137. I swear, you have the best life possible. I want it.

  138. I would pay way more than $0.11 to see Nathan holding twine sexily.

  139. I’d pay $402 for a picture of Nathan Fillion doing dirty things to twine.
    Not sure what those dirty things could be and frankly I’m sort of grossing myself out considering the possibilities but yea, I’d still pay it.

    Amanda recently posted You don’t know me- no really- you don’t.

  140. 140
    JacksonsGirl

    YAY for winning. And I hope he sends you the picture. I’ll add my $0.11 cents in as well for a picture like that! But he’s cool beans, so I bet he will!!! <3

  141. You make the world a better place.
    Could I describe in “talking words” (you know, the soundy stuff primarily used outside of a computer) how happy I am for your prize/you/modern living/this post/Nathan Fillion holding twine? Probably not, but rest assured all of it makes me very, very happy. Congratulations and thank you!

    Zom G. recently posted We Play! Visual-Spatial Treasure Hunt.

  142. Totally awesome ending to such an unfair award voting process…. Congrats for it all… And Nathan Fillion, we’re ALL WATCHING YOU….. YOUR MOVE…..

    Dana recently posted Week In Review- Is it Desperate that I Ate A Square of Baking Chocolate.

  143. Oh and I’m going to send the .11 if twine is involved…

    Dana recently posted Week In Review- Is it Desperate that I Ate A Square of Baking Chocolate.

  144. I’d lay even money that Nathan Fillion will play along. He’s got quite a sense of humor.

    And let me join the chorus that would pay cash money to see Nathan Fillion doing dirty things with twine.

  145. Pygmy goats sound great, but not as cool as FAINTING GOATS. Check it out: http://faintinggoat.com/. Then you could laugh at your neighbor’s goats whenever they spontaneously fell over. But then that would give them the right to do the same to you…anyway, just a thought!

    Also, I understood every word of your post, so I’m pretty sure I’m fucking awesome.

    AngstyJen recently posted Preschool Birthday Conundrum.

  146. I sent you $.11, cause its for a good cause. I marked mine as payment for a service, because a pic of Nathan Fillion holding twine, sexily… well, that’s just a service for humanity, there.
    Mmm….

  147. Wow, okay, so I’ve been following you for a while now, mostly quietly, except to donate the odd 11 cents now and again; and to be perfectly honest, one of the reasons I stalk you is because you’re pretty prolific (unlike some Other bloggers whom I will refrain from naming), well that in addition to you making me laugh (I only stalk funny people), but now, now it’s different. This post, and all the stories it contained summed up a perfect comedy routine. And you did it all without being mean to anyone, which is no small feat.

    So I wanted to give you a present, it’s something I found a while back when I was watching hot live streaming action of baby owlets, when I found this site I almost died laughing and I think you’ll understand why. First, for those scientists on a budget we have the economy shark: http://www.biologyproducts.com/generaldetail.cfm?G_UId=C63AEA06-CE83-9A7D-D29BADB5CE84975D And my personal favorite: http://www.biologyproducts.com/specimendetail.cfm?S_UId=3335137F-BDB9-0F7E-67D7882623C21440 If you buy a hundred or more you save $3.13 per unit!!!

    There’s no question about what everyone on MY list is getting this Christmas.

    <3, Jessica Rabbit

  148. We’re totally voting for the Pigmy Goats! We love love love them.

    Eusticethesheep recently posted Playing Catch Up.

  149. Just so you know… I would have peed myself with joy if you had accepted your award in the panda suit. Perhaps a little stage make-up to make you look like a werepanda… Because Werepandas are totally more badass than werewolves.

    Jessica recently posted Warning Signs are Like Invitations.

  150. Natian Fillion could hold poo and it would be sexy. Well, maybe not poo, but that’s probably the only thing he couldn’t hold sexily. Maybe a honey badger. But maybe so. He’s that hot.

  151. I’m so sorry you haven’t slept in two days *and* I’m sorry about the taxidermied pig. Having said that, and established that I am a really, really nice person, I have to say that the link you have for Nathan Fillion has the WORST picture of him in the little preview thing. Some people might go, ugh, why? Although, it’s not really your fault so much as wiki’s. Way to go, wiki.

    So, that’s it. Oh and congrats on the shorty! Yay!

    Penelope recently posted UPDATED- Another Descendant - This Time with a Photo!.

  152. I volunteer to take the picture of Nathan Fillion with his twine. I promise you, I will get a sexy picture, even if I have to tie him up with the twine to get it. I’m willing to sacrifice for my art, and for you, Jenni. Because I heart you.

  153. If you don’t buy that drunken squirrel, I will.

    Jill recently posted Ant Airdrops.

  154. YES!!!! That’s the best idea, ever.

    Nathan Fillion and twine … match made in heaven.

  155. Victor sucks, I totally wish I could seen you get your award….

    Theresa recently posted I Got a New Girl Now….

  156. If the money must go for something stupid, per your Unique Selling Proposition to obtain it, I have to wonder — what’s the going rate for very dull-witted pug puppies these days? Because I’m still with Hailey on that.

  157. I managed to download a virus to my home computer, so I haven’t seen your site in several days. Missed out on sending the 11 cents, but if you need more to get Nathan Fillion to agree to the sexy picture with twine, please post and I will find a way to get my computer working so I can donate through paypal. I’m also going to keep having to sneak on at work daily so that I don’t miss seeing Nathan’s picture. Because I am assuming that he’ll be sending it to you soon.

  158. I’m setting this fucker on ‘refresh’ until I see a picture of Nathan Fillion sexily holding twine.

    It’s nice to have plans for the week, for once.

    Keely recently posted Building a blanket burrito for better Monster Protection.

  159. Wil Wheaton mentioned you last night during his show with Paul and Storm here in LA. I think everyone in the audience must read The Bloggess and we all appreciate you so much. Sorry to hear your Shorty award went kaput, but you do have great taste in writers (yes, Neil, I am talking about you).

  160. My boyfriend totally called it. I told him that I’d just paypalled you 11 cents for something stupid and he wondered if you were going to use the money to buy (now, I want you to imagine this in the sexist educated-South-Londoner accent OF ALL TIME) “another inappropriate stuffed animal.”

    But I have to say, Nathan Fillion is an excellent second choice. I admire your commitment to the community.

    Also, I was wrong. Sushi is BURRITO OF THE SEA.

    melissa recently posted exhaustion.

  161. I don’t have ADD, but I think I need Ritalin after that post.

  162. So, Hannah the Drunken Pianist is adorable, but why is she in a “double strength glass front”? If she might be trying to make an escape, perhaps you should think harder about this.

    I’m not a celebrity nor a taximdermied squirrel (yet!) but I have a dress kind of like Hannah’s and, considering how I play piano, being drunken is not a stretch, so I could send you a picture replicating the scene. I could wear a squirrel mask, although I don’t have one. I do have a mask my daughter wore when she was an African Wild Dog for Halloween. Really, I don’t think that many people would notice the difference.

    Maybe you could do a “The Stars Are Just Like Us!” feature, except it would be more like “We Are Just Like The Stars (in The Bloggess’s mind),” although that’s probably confusing. But what else is new. However … free!

  163. Thanks again for making me laugh when I feel like I’ll never laugh again. I’d say something clever about how brilliant you are, but I’m late for my hairdresser’s appointment (my husband just doesn’t understand: “You haven’t gotten out of bed in over a week and you’re going to the salon?” and yeah, he’s kind of gay, he uses words like “salon” in totally correct context, but I know you understand. A girl may be bent ass crazy but she’s gotta get her roots done, right?). Congrats on the much deserved award.

  164. 164
    Evangeline

    Did you see that Nathan Fillion goes out and cleans graffiti off of signs where he hikes? Sigh. Swoon.

  165. I had to go google Nathan Fillion and then I knew who he was and YES TWINE. Or string, or duct tape or maybe he should hold a pigmy goat while dressed as Scarlett O’Hara. It wouldn’t matter. No one will be looking at his props.

    Mary recently posted High Country Home and Garden Wine Class.

  166. Nathan F on the hood of a van singing A Man’s Gotta Do (What a man’s gotta do) while holding twine would be the best. picture. ever.

    Make that happen.

  167. Oh my GOD! I had originally asked The Aussie if I moved here could I have a wallaby as a pet. I am totally going to tell him to buy me pygmy goats instead!

    Brooke Farmer recently posted This too shall pass.

  168. Captain Mal holding twine!? I’m going to become a product spammer just so I can get that. *High heels for cats! Just what your readers need!*

  169. How is it possible NOT to hold twine sexily? Think about it.

    Dani recently posted From Jersey to Nevada and No Points In Between- The Tale of the Woeful Dog That Stole Our Hearts.

  170. i wanna see the drunken taxidermied squirrel on your wall. go go gadget $0.11!

  171. How frightening is it that I actually have sexy pictures of myself holding twine? If you need a pic for a base from which to photoshop, let me know. Seeing as it’s you, I would send it to you.

    LadyV recently posted Bombproof your horse.

  172. The whole thing makes perfect sense, except–why is that cat passing her/himself off as a stray if she/he lives at city hall?? Something sinister is going on here.

  173. Wow that was exhausting. Well done though.

    Is there an award for most-amazing-and-influencial-genius-interwebber-who-uses-her-elaborate-powers-for-good-*and*-hilarity-and-could-probably-save-slash-crush-the-world-if-she-really-wanted-to-even-in-the-case-of-the-zombie-apocolypse?

    If so, you fucking win.

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted I should learn to trust my instincts.

  174. I want 11cent increments to buy me my tights for this winter.

  175. you know there are people that feel like spending .11 a day to feed a starving kid they’ll never meet…I’d rather send you .11 a day to get more photos of celebs doing nothing meaningful. awesome. totally f**king awesome.
    oh yeah…about the award…what kind of sandwich won?

  176. I’d like more information about that sandwich.

    Congratulations on the award! You’ve put the taxidermy into home decor. If that’s not political, I don’t know what is.

  177. I sent my .11 and am calling for a repeat on 11/11/11 :-)

  178. [to be said the way that Homer Simpson says “Baaaaaaacoooooon”] MMMmmmm, Naaaathan Fiiiillllliiioooon.

  179. I thought I was having a weird day, what with a sign from God about the Cubs on toast, until I read this. You win.

    Cathy D. recently posted An opening day miracle.

  180. I seriously love you! I laughed out loud so hard at this post that my roommate thought I was having a conniption and came to check on me.
    Now, if only I could get people to donate to fund my classroom. We don’t even have paper. It’s funny what people will spend money on.

    Teacher Girl recently posted Edit Me 4.

  181. I don’t think you should have won that award because you are a deity to me, and it violates the separation of church and state.

    Fred Miller recently posted Lent Over Yet.

  182. This post is so very much like Twin Peaks. hell, there’s even an Amanda PALMER singing about David Lynch. Pygmy goats instead of backward a speaking dwarf. Little person. Whatever. And, dear Jenny reports to a cat…not too far a stretch from The Log Lady.

    I need me some pie.

  183. I am incredibly fucking stupid .. have you read the shit I write? I would be happy to accept the money. I would invest it all in gumballs and paperclips !! Stupid, huh?? YEAH.. I Fucking ROCK!!

    Holly B recently posted And Then Hooterville Tried To Kill My Fat Ass.

  184. I am sorry for the 1/400th of pain I caused you. Thank you for the note. It was worth more than 11 cents.

    Mikeporterinmd recently posted Sanity in an Insane Place and Time.

  185. First time reader.
    Slightly dazed and confused, but felt compelled to continue to read about your recent journey.
    Your journey my dear is a tableau vivant of what must be your noisy mind.
    This is a wonderful thing.
    Needless to say you embrace it with vigour.
    Can’t pass up your next escapades.

    Yup. A new fan.

  186. “walk up on stage in my panda suit ” — in my panda suit???!!! Ok. I guess that says it all.

  187. Alright, i have no idea who this Nathan person is.

    Also, Congratulations on winning!!

    Deidre recently posted Should I I shouldnt Should I I shouldntwaitShould I I really shouldnt Or Should I.

  188. Thanks for taking a stab at Nathan Fillion. Just don’t hurt him, because he’s all kinds of precious. And here’s a tip: try to work “CCR*” into your conversation. He’s big on that. It might help.

    *Consideration, courtesy and respect.

    lesliereid recently posted Tougher Than That.

  189. No one makes the Internet fun again like you. Congratulations.

    Mrs. Kennedy recently posted To Minneapolis and Beyond!.

  190. Teacher Girl – Maybe if you asked them to donate only 11 cents…

    Nathan should do it for free and donate the $402 to the classroom. Make it so. :)

    Brenna recently posted I FORGOT MY TOWEL!.

  191. i will let my children know that i had a role in this historical moment: their mom’s 11¢ contributed to nathan fillion’s sexy twine pic. (forthcoming).

    @chemo_babe recently posted The Road to Recovery.

  192. Oh, Jenny, my world is so much better with your blog in it. Don’t ever stop (blogging) and don’t ever become completely normal because that would totally suck and be boring, kind of like how John Cleese used to be hilarious and then he went through years of therapy and got rid of his neuroses and now he’s normal and stuff but boring. True story.

    kmkat recently posted Ten on Tuesday- the library edition.

  193. 193
    physicsmom

    Wow, what a bonanza today! A detailed recap of last year’s Shorty fiasco and a total WIN for this year – Congrats! While I think Nathan Fillion is one hot hunk, the pygmy goats are ADORABLE. The video actually showed them gamboling! How cool is that? How many times have you actually seen a being (human or animal) gambol? That is the best. And, over time, you can post more videos of them gamboling over your neighbor’s property, so we could establish a, like, relationship with them virtually and give them birthday parties and Christmas presents and, maybe I like pygmy goats too much. Anyway, good luck with Nathan and/or the goats.
    P.S. When is your book coming out?

  194. Is it possible that this is more amusing when I’m incredibly sleep deprived? Not sure if that’s even legal.

    Now… This is going to sound awful, but I started watching Castle just because I had heard rumours about there being large amounts of Joss Whedon easter eggs in the show. Now I am obsessed with Nathan Fillion and Castle.

    If you pull this off, Jenny, you will make my entire life.

    (and while I’m confessing things, when I read the comments, it’s sometimes just to find other bloggers who amuse me.)

  195. Oh, also. How much, exactly, would I have to pay you in order to gain the privilage of writing with you?

    *has a fangirl moment*

    ahem. sorry. that’s over.

    Anda recently posted I only get by thinking of the nights we shared….

  196. After coming home from work and discussing it, I think I have convinced The Aussie that we need both walabies and pygmy goats in the house.

    Or, more accurately, that *I* need them.

    Which is not to say he has agreed to me having them. Only that he has agreed it would provide me with heaps of entertainment while I am home alone during the day.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted This too shall pass.

  197. I prefer whistle pigs to pygmy goats.

    Lynn from For Love or Funny recently posted There’s something weird between my legs…again.

  198. Also, you’re a czar now… can’t you just make him send you the picture, possibly by threatening to sic the baby that attacked you on him? Or your army of babies? (You do have a baby army, right?) Then you can still buy whatever taxidermied animal in costume you want. Even a wolverine holding coffee and chapstick and wearing pantyhose.

    Molly recently posted Fun Times in the Parking Lot.

  199. “sexily, if possible.” You say that like Nathan Fillion is capable of doing ANYTHING in an unsexy manner… that man is hot as hell when he butters toast!

    hoodyhoo recently posted THIS Again.

  200. Totally awesome…every single word. Congrats and good thinking! (This coming from a couple who snake whispered to The Bronx Zoo’s Cobra last night. By the way, she is going to Coney Island today. You could have totally gone to the award ceremony with The Bronx Zoo’s Cobra. That too, would have been awesome!)

    Lookie Lou, TPPC.tv Web TV for Pet Lovers recently posted World Exclusive Interview With @BronxZoosCobra The Bronx Zoo’s Cobra.

  201. Pigmy goats!! Or Nathan Fillion!! Both sexy (I’m a creep I know).
    If you need another 11 cents just let me know.

  202. Great, now you’re giving us all incentive to start PR firms and spam you.

  203. I am totally tweeting Nathan Fillion until you get that picture!!! He is a pretty pretty man.

    Angie recently posted Catching up!.

  204. Please let this Nathan Fillion twine pitcure happen! It would make so many people happy!

    Also, I love Amanda Palmer.

    Ginny recently posted Feeling bloggity.

  205. Can you post the sexy picture of Nathan Fillion when you get it? Please?

    sandrine recently posted Autism Awareness.

  206. The size of the adult riddlin pill needed to fix you would be too big for you to swallow.

    You’d have to get the suppository version. [it’s more expensive, but totally worth it]

    If I were God... recently posted A new Goddess takes the throne.

  207. “And that’s why I’m going to offer Nathan Fillion $402 to send me a picture of himself holding twine. Sexily, if possible.”

    Sexily, if possible? Is that meant to suggest that there’s something Nathan Fillion does that could ever possibly be done UN-sexily? Because if so, I think you’ve made a terrible mistake…and the only way to make up for it is to obtain and post a picture of Jerry Stiller in a gigantic egg carton. (I’d chip in 22 cents for that!)

  208. Oh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my godOh my god YES!

    We should start a facebook group dedicated to getting Nathan Fillion to send you said picture. Cause like all things in life it’s not for realsies until it’s on facebook.

    Gamerdarling recently posted Home Is Where The Cupcakes Are….

  209. Nathan Fillion is cute and all but what about Jimmy Fallon? Perhaps filing his toe nails? Mincing garlic? Dude is mad sexy. I’d make three or four .11 payments for that.

    Heather C recently posted The stunning arc of barf.

  210. You never fail to perplex me. Please continue.

    I gladly would have ponied up at least a buck for Scarlett, Hannah or goats. But an 11¢ request was genius that only you could have conjured.

    Nathan Fillion ignoring you? If you need photos, I can always send you a pic of me watering my hydrageas. I’m not necessarily famous, but you have to agree that the image would be mundane.

    The Queer Next Door recently posted Thinking Inside the Box.

  211. God I wish I lived your life.

    PS – That statement just scared the shit out of me.

    Carolyn recently posted SOMEONES HOLDING MY FREAKIN MOJO FOR RANSOM!!!!!!! NO KIDDING!!!!.

  212. Because you all know who this Nathan Fillion character is, and because I respect each and every last one of you on an individual basis, I looked him up.

    Frisbee guy from that one episode of King of the Hill! Of course! No wonder everyone wants to have sex with him.

    Suddenly it all clicks.

  213. I hope you get the Pygmy goats for your neighbor! Pygmy goats rock!

    xo Susie

    Susie Kline recently posted Blog Gang- Vacation.

  214. Congratulations on your award, and you’re right – homeless people DO deserve trophies. Thank you for the excellent idea. I have a customer service trophy at home and I’ve been tired of dusting it and its illuminated display case, so I’m going to give it to the homeless guy under the bridge by my office. Maybe he can trade it for Boone’s Farm, or use the sharp acrylic edges to fend of predators who come after his sleeping bag.

    Tershbango recently posted My New Career as a PI.

  215. Shazam! That was like an overdose of caffeine. I like it! (I think. I have to go re-read it again sinice I don’t know that I comprehended it all the first time..)

    http://www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com

    Stacie McDonald recently posted this post is so lazy- I am not even going to capitalize the title.

  216. If you go for the pygmy goats and promise to video tape them being adorable and possibly evil, I’ll send a $4.40 donation, thats right I’ll raise it times 10 the normal rate, thats how awesome the goat idea is.

  217. I’d like to see Nathan Fillion wrapped in nothing but twine. Does that make me creepy?

    Wombat Central recently posted This is Me Meme.

  218. Amanda’s song was the best! Congrat’s on the shorty award. :0)

    Tracey recently posted Earth Hour 2011.

  219. Everyone who is on Twitter should immediately begin a Twitter campaign asking Nathan Fillion to send you the picture – @nathanfillion. We need this picture.

    MidLifeMama recently posted The Dude Abides.

  220. Congrats on the award & being made a Texas Czarinna. :D

    I think you should donate the $402 to Telling Dad’s Sweet Dreams fund if Nathan Fillion doesn’t come through with the sexy twine picture.

    Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted Dear People Who Used To Occupy My House.

  221. If you get Nathan Fillion to take a picture of himself sexily holding twine, you are my new god. Well, goddess. The Bloggess Goddess. If we give you even more money can you get him to hold the twine in his Cap’n Mal uniform?

  222. Wait! Not pigmy goats. You want fainting goats! Seriously. They are right up your alley. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch these guys. Kind of what I think I’d be like, if I were a goat. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_CdNPuJg

  223. Fuck. I think I meant pygmy. Maybe I need a spelling goat.

    PithyPants recently posted When I say “cow vagina” I mean it as a compliment.

  224. I stalked Nathan Fillion on twitter (although I was already following him because I want to have sex with him like most heterosexual women and homosexual men). I have decided he’s on vacation or something. He normally tweets like crazy and he’s tweeted once since this post and it was just a picture.

    Karen recently posted Overheard in my office and by overhead- I mean read in my email.

  225. People should hire you for fundraisers:

    Save the Whales: 11 cents at a time!

    tokenblogger recently posted So a few weeks ago I finally found one of these….

  226. My god, the Internet is a wonderful, wonderful place.

    I feel sorry for all those old farts from “The Greatest Generation” because, ha, what did they have? Butter rations and those little triangle side-windows on their cars? BFD.

    The greatest generation, my ass. We know it’s us, first inventing and then exploiting of the Internet for pure entertainment. All those old farts are crying in their oatmeal because they don’t know know what Alt-Tab means. They’re pathetic.

    And we – the true greatest generation – are entertained. Mostly by the QUEEN of Internet drivel. Where do I send my 11 cents???

    JustLinda recently posted Why I’m A-skeered of Tomorrow.

  227. You are just awesome.

  228. I’m giving you $.77 because I’m pretty sure I have multiple personalities, and just because they haven’t been diagnosed doesn’t mean they should pay their fair share. Nothing’s free, bitches.

    Julie the Wife recently posted Seeking Stove Assassin.

  229. I’m having a weird moment of mourning that you cannot get the pig. I think you are the only person in the world who could realize its true potential. On a lighter note, Nathan Fillion is a totally acceptable back-up plan :)

    tori recently posted My Big Fat Bloggy Wedding.

  230. 230
    jennielynn

    If you get get a picture of Nathan Fillion sexily holding twine, I’ll put you on the list of people to get my organs when I die. I’ll even have the organ taxidermied into some bizarre pose, like a kidney making kidney pie at a tiny stove. Cannibal kidney! YAY!

    I might have that done anyway, because it sounds pretty funny and would be a fitting memorial.

  231. Who said we should start a FB page … that is a great idea!! Hook me up if you start it… WOO Hoo

    Holly B recently posted When Your Lady Bits Itch .

  232. I am SHOCKED at your change in fiber choice for the Nathan Fillion picture request. However, this could work since I’ve already offered to knit Fillion a pair of tits. In doing so, I asked him for some help in determining cup size required for a handful, suggesting that he send a picture of himself holding something relative, like a ball of twine.

    Either he’ll send the requested picture to get the tits, or he can send a picture holding the tits, grinning happily (sorry maybe not so sexily as you desired) at having them.

    I really need to stop offering up my tits. I’ve offered 50 Cent a pair, as well as a glow-in-the-dark purple penis chapstick holder, in an attempt to get him to put on a dress and sing, “10 Cents a Dance.” I know he’d be so pretty in drag and am getting a lot of mileage out of just imagining him singing, “Sometimes I think I’ve found my hero, but it’s a queer romance.”

    mrtl recently posted Flipping the Decline of Rap Upside Down.

  233. Or… maybe I could knit the tits with twine. He may not want to cuddle them too much, though, and I think I’d like him to fondle them a little.

    He doesn’t have a dog, does he? I’d hate for my tits to be gnawed on by some dog.

    mrtl recently posted Flipping the Decline of Rap Upside Down.

  234. You are totally insane and awesome.

  235. I found the perfect store for you! The Evolution Store in NYC, but you can order online. http://theevolutionstore.com/store/mammals
    They have just plain squirrels for under $400 and then you can put it into any scene you want! You can even change up the scenes for the holidays…squirrel pilgrim, squirrel nativity scene, squirrel easter bunny, so many possibilities!

  236. And you let me lick you for free. I hope you’ve learned your lesson.

    Cat recently posted Nickfit &amp McClooneybin.

  237. I looked your charity up on charity navigator and it crashed the site…Just curious, what percentage of my $.11 will be going toward bureaucratic costs like slushy wine and rollers?

    LA Juice recently posted What Good is a Depraved and Deviant Mind if You Aren’t Using It to Take Over the World.

  238. 238
    Jenny Baker Jones

    I really hope the Nathan Fillion thing works out!

    Jenny Baker Jones recently posted Do you dig nipple rings.

  239. Any Nathon Fillion action yet!?

  240. I came home with pigmy goats once. My husband at the time wasn’t happy and told me that I had to get rid of them. We lived in the burbs. Apparently you’re not allowed pigmy goats in the burbs. I think that’s racist. I got rid of the goats and the husband. I still miss the goats.

    Moxie-Dude recently posted The lonely socks basket.

  241. I was on the wagon until reading that post. Key word: until.

    "Susan Says..." recently posted My Days as a Rotten Potato.

  242. I would pay $402 for a photo of Nathan Fillion holding Wil Wheaton. I can’t be the only lesbian who wants to see this.

    alonewithcats recently posted By not being on Facebook- I’m robbing past and future exes of the satisfaction of defriending me.

  243. Would Nathan Fillion holding twine really hold up against Wil Wheaton collating paper? I mean, Wil looks so proud of himself in his picture.. like “Shit, that’s some damn fine collating, son.”

    On the other hand, I’ve gained a new level of respect for Alyssa Milano, which in effect means I now respect Alyssa Milano, because that IS damn classy. Not that I didn’t respect her before, but I will be honest, I was pretty ambivalent on the Alyssa Milano front.

    I’m really just commenting so my last blog posts title will show up, because I’m rather proud of it, and because I pimped you and the Wil Wheaton scenario in my last post. Cheers.

    Andie recently posted Being a T-Shirt Whore on the Interwebs is like being a Smack addict well- anywhere theres a lot of heroin lying about.

  244. Right on Jenny! You make the lights come on and the dead pig smell sweet. I don’t know how else to say it.

  245. Apparently I live under a effin’ rock! First with the Will Wheaton. Then Nathan Fillion. I have NO IDEA who these people are!!! I googled both of them. Nathan – you *kinda* look familiar. Will? Sorry….no idea – but you are kinda cute – in a very young kind of way……

    Gigi recently posted Three by Nine wait - is that a math question.

  246. Dear Jenny,

    I too mistake vodka bottles for formal wear.
    Sometimes when I am flying squirrels in the pond, I even yodel.
    It’s times like these that all you can do is smile and know the world loves cheese.

    -Tony
    PS – You should totally auction off copies of those celebrity pictures to charity. It would certainly make more sense than my comment :)

    Tony Hunt recently posted The “Cowboy” Ribeye.

  247. Alyssa Milano has *always* been fucking classy.
    Fucking always.

    Rachael recently posted Alaskan Manly Man.

  248. i just read this … thought it was april fools til I looked at the date of post.

    OMG, u really got a shorty in POLITICS.

    Jen could be president, folks.

    holy moley cannoli

    e

  249. […] This post by the Bloggess made me laugh and laugh and feel very happy to be in this nutty […]

  250. I just hope she makes it something *really* random. That will make it ALL WORTHWHILE.

    Brooke Farmer recently posted Thank you for calling me on my shit!.

  251. […] Exactly why half the internet reads The Bloggess. […]

  252. I have nothing witty to write here, just thank you. Really, really thank you.

    Lyd recently posted The Mad Hatter.

  253. I’m with Lyd. This was cool. Just cool. Rock the vote, baby!

  254. i’m entirely too lazy to find out who Nathan Fillion is. i just read the alyssa milano update. anyone who using “fucking” and “classy” in the same sentence is okay in my book.

    Simone recently posted Changing My Makeup.

  255. I understand, oh, maybe 30% of this post, yet still found it funny (problem lies, I hope, in the cultural references specific to the US that I don’t get, rather than my obtuseness. Maybe).
    I’m not sure if this means that I have a desperate need to be in the cool group and so will laugh at anything, or that you have an amazing ability to transcend international barriers.
    Maybe a diplomacy award will be next?

    Eva recently posted Behold- no posts.

  256. The last part, the very last part of that blog, after “write here” was hysterically funny, articulate and clever. Extra brilliance.

    Also a plus about being single, something that I’m having trouble finding pluses about at the moment, is not having to explain that 11 cent purchase to a man.

    I would like my 11 cents to go to pygmy goats please, I love the way that they skitter about!

    Bridgette recently posted Cast! The season is cast!.

  257. 257
    Christine

    How do i send you .11 cents lol, I don’t understand twitter lol I just signed up specifically so I could follow you as you make me powerlaugh on a daily basis and I frequently read you while at work and try desperately not to be the crazy girl laughing at her desk….I fail….frequently….so again keeping in mind how completely computer illiterate I am how can I send you my 11 cents …. Love ya
    C,.

  258. Dear moooooog35 from comments #5 & #110,

    Touche, moooooog35. Well played.

    Adam Jones recently posted B is for Boobs.

  259. […] I love the Bloggess. And Nathan Fillion. That is all. […]

  260. OK i was away for a few days [did you miss me???] and know i’m later than i usually am to this party, but i have to say that shit like THIS is why i would send you .11 a day every day if you asked me to. it would be kind of like supporting NPR but you probably wouldn’t have all those annoying fund drives. or if you did, you would have special member-only content for the people who already give you .11 a day, like i always dream NPR will do. (it’s good to dream, right?)

  261. I imagine everything you write is done hysterically.

  262. 262
    jennielynn

    I’m a little disappointed in Mr. Fillion. I imagined him being far cooler than this. I think I will start fantasizing about Wil Wheaton instead.

  263. 263
    superJennifer

    I think the best philanthropic deed you could possibly do is to make Rebecca Black STFU. Now.

  264. […] She offered an arbitrary sum of money to Nathan Fillion for a picture of him holding twine, in response to the numerous offers of random pics of celebs […]

  265. All I can say is FM (Fuckin’ Mazing) I don’t even know which blog I read but my brain was spinning with one, OMG Really, after another. Glad I found this one but I’m new to blogging and don’t really know how to keep up with you except coming back to the URL….

  266. I want pygmy goats. Any chance that I am your neighbor? I was looking out at my jungle of a backyard last weekend and thought that my life would be a lot better if there were goats to deal with this shit. My friend, Laura, even took a photo of some lovely pygmy goats at the spring fair. I encouraged her to smuggle one out in her purse, but it apparently didn’t work out. To be honest, I don’t even think she tried. If you wanted to buy some pygmy goats and have them live in lovely Tacoma, you could stay in the guest room any time you wanted to visit. How’s _that_ for an offer?

    Unintentional Housewife recently posted Walking Weather- Perfect Days in Tacoma.

  267. With all the doggone snow we have gotten recently I am stuck indoors, fortunately there is the internet, thanks for giving me something to do. :)

  268. Oh my fucking God I’ve died and gone to heaven.

    Kim Miller recently posted Weekly Deals for 7/3 to 7/10.

  269. Well, if you haven’ slept in a couple of days, Jenny, maybe you should NOT have a read about a horrible triple murder I covered in Waco 30 years go. Yeah, that’s probably a very bad idea. But that’s what rattled out of my brain today, so possibly the universe is at least tangentially involved.

    In any case, congratulations on your upward trajectory into literary icondom. I expect you to be on the A List for North Korea’s Kim Jong ‘Big’ Un. If he invites you anywhere, you should go. Say what you will about short North Korean madmen, but I’d place a large bet that Big Un would respect the shit out of a white big-chested woman wearing a Wolf. This could be the breakthrough the United Nation needs.

    hogsatemysister recently posted 30 years Later — Remembering the Horrific Triple Murder at Lake Waco.

  270. When did I drop acid? Totally do not remember that, yet it is the only explanation for what just happened to me.

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  1. Week 12 & 13, 2011. « April 1, 2011

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