What happens on tour stays all over the internet

I’ve been on a bit of a whirlwind book tour and I haven’t had much time to let you know what’s been going on, so I’m going to do a quick update pulled directly from my journal:

************

My editor couldn’t decide between a bottle of wine or a hat made from actual roadkill as a book pub date gift.  I think she made the right choice:

His feet make excellent ear muffs.

************

I think I’m at a fancy hotel because I can’t tell what’s in the bottles.  At no point on this bottle does it say that it’s lotion.  I’m pretty sure “emotion body milk” is semen.  I have an entire bottle of free semen and I have no idea what to do with it.

I still took it home.

************

Same hotel.  I want a cheeseburger so I call for room service.  They reply, “Did you mean Womb Service?”  No.  No, I certainly did not and I can’t imagine enough people are making this mistake to make it worthy of that follow up question.

Also, yes, of course I have pictures:

For when you need a cheeseburger. In your birth canal.

 ************

One of these is toothpaste.  The other is clearasil.

They do not taste the same.  Ask me how I know.

************

I went to a tv interview but they neglected to tell me that it was live TV in Hollywood before a studio audience and so I was sort of petrified.  But then I took all my anti-anxiety drugs and I felt better (and woozie) until I stepped into the makeup room and there was a brunette in curlers with black glasses and I was all “Bitch stole my look” and then she said “Excuse me?” and I tried to explain myself but I was too mumbly to makes sense and then she took her hair out of the curlers AND IT WAS LISA LOEB.

Lisa Loeb isn't in this picture because I ran away from her as soon as I possibly could because I'd been mortified enough. She was very nice though.

I signed several boobs and one moob and some dead frogs.  I’ll sign anything.

No, really. Anything.

People brought me awesome, bizarre things.  Including a Tupperware bowl with an edible version of the dead mouse on the cover of my book:

No shit, y'all.

It tasted adorable.  And suspicious.  I was very hungry.

 ************

I spoke in a quavering voice between a variety of dumpsters.

Dumpsters not shown.

And people laughed.

That empty seat was reserved for Nathan Fillion. Just in case.

And it was good.

More to come (including new tour dates!)…

327 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I just bought your book — you give me hope that I can write things other than beading books one day! Rock that mouse!

    Lori Anderson recently posted This is Who I Am -- I Choose Authenticity.

  2. love the roadkill hat!

    Jaime recently posted a moment of sanity.

  3. OMG you take that off your head this instant!! :) I’m glad you had fun, thank you for sharing!!

    Pish Posh recently posted Z is for Zee End.

  4. AHHH love the pics! Especially the hat. And i hope you’re coming to the east coast!

    Mayor Gia recently posted I Can’t Teach My Mom How to Drink Wine but I Can Teach Her How to Text.

  5. Absolutely hilarious. I so want that roadkill hat.

    Jessica @FoundtheMarbles recently posted What Would You Want Your Younger Self to Know if You Graduated Today?.

  6. Is that a fruit roll-up cape? I’m on a fruit roll-up cape diet, which is why I want to know.

    Joe Donatelli recently posted My mom’s shopping list.

  7. I just cannot tell you how proud I am of you. Seriously. You are just fucking amazing. <3

    Kymberlie R. McGuire recently posted @designeric: No. Is it a PSN game? Have you?.

  8. Awesome!!!!!!!! I think you got the right gift too. And enjoy the cheeseburger. In your womb.

  9. Please come to Orlando!!

    While reading this, a falcon landed in my backyard. Coincidence? I think not.

  10. I cannot tell you how sad it makes me that I am going to be out of town on the day you are coming to speak at a location 5 minutes from my house. Every night since I got your amazing book, I have read one chapter a night because if I read any more, I’ll have an asthma attack from laughing so hard. I am pretty sure my roommate thinks I’m nuts now. Wish I could meet you again (I met you at BlogHer in 2010 where you wrote me a message on a typewriter, which I still have on my bulletin board above my desk.)!!

    Teacher Girl recently posted These are my “gifted” children..

  11. This sounds like an absolutely amazing-good time! I wish I could have partaken!

    (Also, Lisa Loeb totally stole your look, but you rock it much better.)

    Jaime recently posted I've been tagged! But not in an STD way..

  12. I have to know. What, exactly, *is* involved in “womb service?”

    And the hat ROCKS.

  13. I bought your book the day it came out. It took me less than three hours to read, and I laughed through the entire goddamn thing. Now, when I’m having a shitty day, I’ll pull it out and read it out loud in a Julia Child voice to whomever happens to be near. The mailman thinks I’m weird. So thank you.

    Chelsie recently posted (Mostly) Wordless Monday.

  14. Hamlet Von Schnitzel looks DELICIOUS.

    Wait. No. NO.

    whiskeypants recently posted Donovan.

  15. Going to laugh all day about this. Thanks!
    (Womb service … ha!)

  16. Damn, I’m going to start saving an empty seat for Nathan Filllon everywhere I go from now on. I will let you know if he shows up.

    Mary recently posted Tana Dolce.

  17. I thought I pre-ordered your book, but I made a mistake at it was the audio book. I really wanted the to read the book rather than listen, so I bought in on Kindle. Then I realized I had no place to put my book plate, so I had to order the book anyway. If I am example of your fans, your book is number one because your audience are nincompoops.

    Lynne recently posted Wordies.

  18. OMG Jenny You inspire me in sooooo many different ways

    for when depression is a liar, when I have panic attacks…

    for when I just need to smile

    Lori recently posted the world is crazy.

  19. Thank you so much for being SO brave & for sharing everything with us! The book is awesome!

    Stephanie recently posted French Lentil Salad.

  20. Listening to you at Book People read about taking laxatives and almost getting raped is probably the highlight of my year. Your book is also divine. And crazy.

    Amanda recently posted Summer Christmas.

  21. Just seeing that man wiping away tears of laughter makes me empathy-laugh with him. What a fun tour!

    Nicki recently posted Char Star.

  22. I bought your book not too long ago and just finished it yesterday. This was the first book where I was laughing out loud. So funny and poignant (I spent a short time of my childhood in west texas so had a moment)…I am sorry I missed your stop here in the bay area.
    I thought of you when I read about this art show – http://laughingsquid.com/the-rogue-taxidermy-2012-biennial-group-art-show/ and was wondering if you had a chance to grab some time for gallery viewing while in Los Angeles. thanks for making me smile, laugh and cry. keep it up.

  23. Amazing! Do you need a roadie?

  24. it sounds like so much fun. The adventures you are having on the road will give you enough material to write another book.

    Are you stopping to collect anything you kill with your tour bus. They could get stuffed and have their own room dedicated to them.

    Brett Minor recently posted Enough Vicoden and I Will Agree to Anything.

  25. I hope you enjoyed the tour as much as we have. I had the pleasure of introducing the older members of my family to your work, and their reactions were spectacular.

    Julie recently posted And really, Nathan Fillion, what IS your problem?.

  26. It’s good to have an editor who understands you so well. And really, I bet there aren’t many editors willing to shop for dead rodent head-wear for their authors. She’s obviously a keeper.

    Teresa Hill recently posted Loving an Outrageous Woman.

  27. So oddly proud of you. Like your strange aunt on your mom’s side that was once a gun runner but now is hiding in Mexico. Except Canada. Well done, Jenny! You deserve all the good things!

    Leanne Moffat recently posted You Lovely Bunch.

  28. I tasted Clearasil once. Wasnt as bad as I was expecting.

    Hope you come to NC.

    Rob R recently posted This Blog Can Be Yours…If The Price is Right! (or for a bucket of chicken).

  29. Minnesota??? Please??!!

  30. I am weeping w laughter just from this post.

  31. 31
    Heather Greywolf

    Jenny, as always, you rock out loud. What makes you so amazing is that you are afraid and sometimes depressed … but you FIGHT. You use humor and your all-too-willing internet army of freaks (myself being a card-carrying member), but you *fight*. You are like the John Connor of depression. (Just with less psychopathic technology and more human experience.) You’re amazing.

  32. I’m seething with jealousy because people I know are reading your book RIGHT NOW. I am THIS CLOSE to venturing out in the world to buy it. It’s my inticement for, you know, participating in life. I have a good feeling it could happen tomorrow! :)

    tamaratattles recently posted Nene Leakes is Back on Glee Tonight!.

  33. Ahh you make me want to write a book, not because I want to be famous, that sounds horrible actually. I mean, not to get all anxiety-disorder-competitive but I don’t think all the Xanax in the world could keep me from having an anxiety attack in front of that many people…no, it’s not the fame, it’s the fact that I believe I have almost as many crazy, weird, true-life experiences as you. Maybe it’s a Texas thing? I don’t know. But you give me hope that someday, if I write all my adventure memories down, people might actually be interested in reading them!

    Amanda recently posted Photo.

  34. Oh, new tour dates! I am so hoping you come my way (in Phoenix, AZ) because your video on depression literally saved me this morning; Depression was lying it’s ass off in my ear, so I thought I’d watch that vid you recently posted and now any time those thoughts come back, I just tell myself it’s lying to me and I only have to make it through to day.

    Also, I take an author coming to my city as a bribe to buy their book. It’s a big deal, as I’m poor as dirt.

    Kira recently posted would you like to go on a picnic with me?.

  35. New tour dates? New tour dates??!!!
    NEW TOUR DATES!!!
    Can you tell I’m excited already? And I don’t even know where you’re going.
    Whatever, I don’t care.
    NEW TOUR DATES!!!

    Carol recently posted Fighting yourself for yourself.

  36. Come back to the L.A. area, at a bookstore! Because I was too cheap to buy tickets to the reading you had here!

    Note: I was *not* too cheap to pre-order the book.

  37. Please, please come back to the East coast–preferably to the DC area! I so want to be able to meet you in person!! Plus, I’m pretty sure my sister would let you do a reading in her bathroom if you wanted to. She has a lovely half-bath she remodeled herself and she likes showing it off. ;)

    Michele Riggle recently posted The Hidden Dangers of "Yes".

  38. Womb service just sounds….moist. And probably lacking in hamburgers! So awesome to see the turnout you have had. Pretty please come to the East Coast? *sniffle*

    Reneesance recently posted RAD Vintage 1980s Purple and Black Print Cotton Fabric 2 3/8 yards by 44 inches by Reneesance.

  39. I always thought Lisa Loeb would have a sense of humor.
    Unlike Alex Trebek. He knows what he did.

    Anne (@notasupermom) recently posted Review: Carter’s Children Clothes..

  40. Sounds like a fantastic week… and just for the record. They (and read ‘they’ as way too many men with less than pure thoughts) say semen makes a great moisturizer.. BUT, I can’t imagine why a fancy hotel would want to use it. I mean, heck it’s not like you can’t easily get it for free at any low cost, hourly rate motel. Sheesh! That’s not “special” at all!

    The Hubby Diaries recently posted It’s A Closet… No, A Coat Rack….. Uhm, No, It’s A Kitchen Table.

  41. So Nathan Fillion is the new Elijah…?

  42. NEW TOUR DATES! Make one of them in Spokane!

    Also, loved everything here :-)

    Star Wars Dad recently posted How to Love Star Wars All Over Again: Watch It with Kids.

  43. Please please please come to Chicago. You are seriously amazing and I would be beyond excited to meet you!!

  44. Wish I could think of something awesomely memorable and funny to say but I am still reeling from your video. So glad your tour has been so incredible :)

    XLMIC recently posted 101 minutes of fun....

  45. The funniest part about coming to see you was after you’d signed my book and then I went to the restroom and as I was standing in the line, I noticed a small yappy type dog in this lady’s bag, which was sitting on the floor as she stood in line. I kept trying to figure out if the dog was alive or not, but I was also trying to be subtle about it. It wasn’t (anymore). Then I realized that OF COURSE the people coming to your book-signing would bring small taxidermied dogs, it’s the most natural thing.

    The not-so-funny part was the panic attack brought on from being in a smallish place with a couple hundred people. (My friend swears there couldn’t have been more than two hundred but it was still Way Too Many). I was doing my best to ignore all of them (sitting on the front row helped), but it was probably the worst attack I’ve had in the past year. I was still jittery a couple hours after leaving the bookstore, but I count it worth it to have seen you in person.

  46. Your book made me laugh so hard that Fiance insisted on reading it over my shoulder to see what all the commotion was about. Our hearty guffaws may have made for an awkward plane ride for the rest of the passengers.

    Kp recently posted What I Did On My Summer Vacation [which was neither a vacation or during the summer].

  47. PORTLAND. Doo eet.

    Joules recently posted Dance Interlude – Grouplove.

  48. SO, I am now on page 76, on the Nook, which does NOT equal page 76 in the hardback. Don’t ask, I don’t understand it either. ANYWAY I just finished acid. Not doing it, reading about it. This book is so freaking funny. I am thinking of buying a pack of Depends, just to avoid embarrassment. I read aloud to my husband on the way home and he asked me to stop. He felt a fatal accident would put a damper on the rest of the day. So I told him not to worry. I have the eBook AND the hardback (complete with autographed book plate.) He can just start reading to himself.

  49. OMG More tour dates?! Say you’re coming to NC! Say it!!! (Lie to me. It’ll make me happy anyway.)

    Queen of All Things Good recently posted Where Can I Get My Chinplant?.

  50. At least it wasn’t Hemorrhoid cream. Because, I saw that happen on a cartoon once and the person’s mouth shrunk down to the size of NOTHING!!! Then it disappeared and she couldn’t eat. So, she died!!!!

    Now that I think about it, that’s kind of dark for a cartoon. Maybe it was a fucked up dream I had. DAMN!! NOW THIS SHIT IS GONNA DRIVE ME NUTS!!

    Oh… More tour dates you say?!? COME TO NJ!!! HOME OF THE WEIRD SMELL YOU CANT QUITE LOCATE!!!

    Valerie recently posted It's not everyday you see a wizard fighting a dragon..

  51. You signed a tongue.

    You… you signed… a TONGUE. Of a living person. Standing right there.

    Whoa.

    ML recently posted Cursing: An Editorial Style Guide.

  52. OK the edible mouse would have thrown me even with klonopin in my system.

    Corey Feldman recently posted Egret And The Girls Jam.

  53. When it’s all said and done, Madame Bloggess, I hope you get to say you had fun. Because, really, you have brought so much fun to so many people that you more than deserve to have some, too.

    May you find strength to battle the anxiety demons through your continued great and good success.

    You rock!

    Sj recently posted Overhead Bins: All By Yourself!.

  54. I’ll probably be purchasing your book soon! :D I’m pretty excited to get it too, I know it’s going to be an amazing read!

    Jena recently posted I’ve fucking got this..

  55. I hope one of your new dates is Baltimore! And I’m curious to know what, exactly, *womb service* actually is.

  56. That is my tongue!! XD I love that my twitter, facebook, texts and inbox just blew up with “ZMOG! Your tongue is here!!” Thanks for slapping my tongue up on this post. :)

    I swear you are going to start a huge taxidermy hat fashion trend. It’s going to be RAD! lol

    Leila (Don't Speak Whinese) recently posted And Then Jenny the Bloggess Signed My Tongue.

  57. New tour dates? Boston? Please?!?!?

  58. Wish you would have gotten a pic with Lisa Loeb. What a great story! I LOVED see/hearing you in Austin. Congrats on your success and the weird happenings on your tour!

    Keitha recently posted Birthday/Wine Tasting Party.

  59. Oh please dear God, let a tour date be in Philly or somewhere in NJ. I missed NY because I was away! How stupid of me!! I won’t let it happen again….Even DC. Or Baltimore. I can do any of those!

  60. Your editor knows you so well!! I purposely don’t travel with small sized tubes for that reason. I might have tried to brush my teeth with hydrocortizone cream.

    Whitney recently posted TV networks, cut it out!.

  61. Thanks for posting the mouse sandwich! It probably tasted suspicious because it was almond butter, not peanut butter. You know, like when you think you are going to get a sip out of a glass of water and it turns out to be vodka, it just throws you off. :-)

    Keitha recently posted Birthday/Wine Tasting Party.

  62. I am almost done with your awesome book. I’ve laughed myself to tears more than once. I also ran around a book store, putting copies of your book all over the place. Including the Bible section. I may or may not have also recommended it to a little old guy looking at bibles. He didn’t believe me when I told him it was funnier than the bible.

    Anna Nonamus recently posted The one where I turned 21 Again....

  63. If you come to Arizona… I don’t know what I would do besides show up to where you are and meet the hell out of you. I might get really excited and cry a little, ’cause you’re kind of like Jesus, but a lot prettier and way funnier and you buy your wine at the store instead of bothering water to be something it’s not.
    (thank you for staying)

    Banana Stickers recently posted I was all, “celery”, and Baby Choceezus was all, “you’re fat”..

  64. That hats looks like the poodle who fell in love with my purse (or was it my leg?) – grim determination.

  65. I’m gonna read the hell out of your book and maybe just maybe I’ll buy it breakfast.

    Kristi recently posted If I can’t be snarky, then I’ll be happy…..

  66. If you ever came to Ohio, I’d so be there. Jealous of all the people able to make it out :)

  67. I’m so glad that things are going well for you, and I just wish that you were coming to Canada. <3

    Amanda recently posted Big Tom Forever.

  68. Wow – ain’t life sweet sometimes? Clearasil notwithstanding.

    Andrea Mulder-Slater recently posted There were ten in the bed - and then things got weird..

  69. womb service. that alone should be worth the trip, no?

    Anna recently posted Lunch Snacks from Duane Reade with Help from the New Duane Reader.

  70. Your Houston stop was awesome and you rocked it!! Congrats on being the most fabulous person I wish was one of my coffee buddies…(and I’m still shocked I was the ONLY person with an “I am Jenny Lawson”… Cause that book trailer was hysterical)…

  71. Sounds like you stayed in a fertility clinic that serves cheeseburgers, rather than an actual hotel. I’m sure it’s a mistake anyone could make when sleep deprived from book touring.
    Thoroughly enjoyed your book, wish I lived someplace close to one of your tour stops.

  72. So awesome! I hope, no, I’m sure you’re having a ton of fun between the anxiety attacks!

    Liz D recently posted Soul Searching.

  73. 73
    MoabLynette

    Thank you so much for this post (and any subsequent additional details you provide…) I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself since I live in lower BFE and will never get to see you in person… My copy of your book – complete with signed book plate (I own something that you actually TOUCHED!!!) – is one of my prized posessions. Between this post and the gazillion pictures in which people have been tagging you on Facebook – I almost feel like I was there (well not really, but it will have to do…) xoxoxo

  74. I wonder how they fill the “Emotion Body Milk”? Maybe man-ually. he he he. Great timeline. I’m still holding out that D.C. will make the updated list.

    The Extrovert recently posted I have a special power........perception.

  75. Please come to Omaha!!

  76. My 3-year-old keeps asking who wrote on my “womb”. It’s his pronunciation of “phone”. I tell him Jenny wrote her name on it. He says “it Jenny Womb?”

  77. 77
    Alexis Redmond

    Salt Lake City would be totally fabulous! I love the hat too.

  78. Your book makes me feel like I am not as batshit insane as I am. (severe anxiety right here) Thank you for the inspiration, the laughter and the community that your book has brought me.

    Side note: I think we should be friends. I am huge whovian and completely random. Plus, you’re awesome and I am kinda awesome.

  79. Oh how i wish you’d come to our little town of Pittsburg, Ks. We hold the record for armadillo roadkill. Well in SE kansas that is. You rock!

  80. It was fantastic! So glad I could be a part of something so crazy and amazing. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    Jake recently posted And then I high-fived The Bloggess..

  81. I’m that “weeping guy”…and it was one of the FURIOUSLY HAPPY moments of my life. Jenny had me in stitches (thankfully, not the stuffed animal kind). Best of luck on your tour. Looking forward to more “What Will Jenny Sign Next??” photos.

  82. There is so much WTF going on here I’m not really even sure where to start. Regardless, you need a new travel agent or something. Womb service? Ewww…

    Rebeccah recently posted How My Son Is Trying To Kill Me, or, Why Jenny Lawson Is My Hero.

  83. Can I request a stop in Oklahoma City?? :)

    Karen recently posted 2010 Recap, Part 1.

  84. Ooh, new dates!? Yippie! I love that tiger with the funny hat.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted Why didn’t you say something!?.

  85. More tour dates?! Can I throw in a vote for DC? Or Baltimore, Philly, or Newark? I will travel–your book was hilarious and amazing and so are you! Sorry to get all fangirl, but I love your writing. :)

  86. MORE tour dates? That is AWESOME!

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted AWW: White Springtime.

  87. 87
    Dr Paisley

    Please, please, please come to Kansas City!

  88. Please come to Buffalo, NY! I’ll make everyone I know go to your reading! (Also, you may have heard, there’s a pretty big waterfall half an hour from here. And, casinos. And, buffalo wings.)

    Kate recently posted Spinach and Potato Pie.

  89. 89
    The Other Jenny

    New tour dates? New tour dates? Say MN…say MN…..say MN….!!

  90. OMG! You’re so funny and it feels like you don’t even try! What a gift – must be incredible to stand up there and have your whole audience laughing until they cry. And in today’s post, this sentence was the absolute best:

    ‘I’m pretty sure “emotion body milk” is semen. I have an entire bottle of free semen and I have no idea what to do with it.’

    I love it lol!

    Bozo recently posted Stylish Sunglasses Time.

  91. OH. please please, a tour date in New Orleans and come to Maple St. Book Shop. Maple St. Book Shop is in an historic home with a huge bathroom. With a really big bathtub. And kick ass YA fantasy posters from the 70s all over the walls. The place is truly bizarre. In a good way. There is bar two doors down. I will go get you cocktails and you can drink them in the bathroom. Click through the pics Jenny — it is your kind of place! http://www.maplestreetbookshop.com/

  92. 92
    Minnesota Red

    I am pretty sure that Clearasil tastes mintier than hemorrhoid cream which also looks like a tube of toothpaste.

  93. BOSTON! Come to Boston. I don’t care what you’ve heard,

  94. womb service? hmm. that’s disturbing on so many levels. the hat is perfect for you, though.

    Monica DeLaCruz recently posted Play It Again, Sam..

  95. Ok random combination of accidental keystrokes apparently submitted my comment. Sorry, let me finish:

    BOSTON! Come to Boston. I don’t care what you’ve heard, WE’RE VERY NICE HERE. And since strangers never try to talk to you, it’s fantastic for awkward, anxiety-ridden introverts. Trust me. You want to read here:
    http://www.brooklinebooksmith.com/
    Though since you’re super famous and will draw huge crowds, you’ll actually be reading here:
    http://www.coolidge.org/
    Which is right across the street and very awesome.
    Boston. We’re very nice once you get to know us or get us drunk. Whatever’s faster. (P. S.—It’s the drunk one.)

  96. 96
    Star Austin

    Where is Nathan Fillion when you really need him? Oh yeah, that’s right, he’s busy being TOO FUCKING GOOD! Too good for twine, too good for collating, and clearly too good for book signings, aren’t we, Nathan Fillion?!?!
    Also, no one even knew who Nathan Fillion WAS before The Bloggess… what an ungrateful sonofatwatwaffle.

  97. 97
    Mary Anne

    “Please come to Boston in the Springtime….”

    Waiting impatiently for Mother’s Day, as your book was requested …. There will be trouble if I my family doesn’t comply….

  98. Can you just bring your roadkill hat wearing self to my house as part of your tour? We have plenty of liquor, meds if you need it (walgreen’s is next door) and a senior citizen who thinks 50 Shades of Grey is a new line from Sherwin Williams.

    Also, be careful with bottled semen. I hear that stuff is dangerous. AND moisturizing.

    dumb {squared} recently posted Confession time and also a How-to tutorial on how to gain weight overnight.

  99. I’m really caught up on thinking about how “Emotion” is probably the scent of the body milk. I wish my body milk came out with a fragrance. Didn’t Ross on Friends say it was like cantaloupe juice?

    Ang recently posted Weird News Wednesday: Idea for Nicholas Sparks’ Next Novel.

  100. Nathan Fillion is just jealous because you wrote a real live NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER, and his picture is just on the back of books that somebody else writes as Castle from his TV show.

  101. Awesome. Love the hat, love that you know how clearasil tastes (that’s important, ya know) and love that even after everything you still saved a seat for Nathan.

    Redneck Hillbillies recently posted Prepping for the Zombie Apocalypse.

  102. Seriously. Come to Nashville! People love you here!

    Elaine recently posted Flower Power.

  103. 103
    Adrienne

    You haven’t lived until you’ve had a Philly cheesesteak. Please take that into consideration when choosing your new tour dates. Also I have people who would kill to wait in line to have you sign plasticized sculptures of metal chickens.

    And by “people” I mean me.

    Please come to Philly.

  104. Yay! More tour dates!

    Also, I bought the book and read it really fast. Like, sneaking breaks at work to read it fast. Then I handed it to my husband to read. He’s reading it as I type this. He’s been trying to read it at night but he keeps waking me up because he’s laughing so hard.

    I’d blame you for my sleep deprivation, but it is totally worth it.

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Our little garden.

  105. Please please please come to the Philly area!

  106. Come to Chicago!!!! PLEEEEAAAASE.

  107. Just for the fact that science and emotion is on the same bottle literally right after one another….think about it, heheh. It’s definitely semen.

    I love this entry.

    Please come to Tampa, or somewhere within reasonable distance. :)

    Karen Maeby recently posted Book Review of Rue McClanahan’s My First Five Husbands (and the ones that got away).

  108. You’d think I’d learn to drink my beverages with caution, after reading your blog for going on a year now…. but seriously, that hat was SO worth me snorting my Chocolate Shop wine up my nose. I’ll probably be sneezing chocolate chips in the morning. I’d beg you to come to South Dakota, but really, its probably not much different than rural Texas, so there’s really nothing for you to see here. Its a terrible shame. Our state DOES have one Barnes’ and Noble, in Sioux Falls, though, so……. just sayin’.

  109. Womb service? Seems like they should have to pay you for that.

    Korinthia Klein recently posted The Amazing Milwaukee Race!.

  110. OMG, Jenny…I work for Barnes and Noble in Annapolis, MD, and today I got this email from the head of Author Promotions at corporate tantalizing me with the prospect of sending you to MY store. My response: I very professionally wrote back: “OHMYGODAREYOUKIDDINGME???? SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!” The immediate response was: “Okay, calm down, don’t get excited…we don’t even know if we can do it yet.”

    OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE….Jenny, if you come our way, I think the entire mid-atlantic region will trek to see you. (Right, mid-atlantic fans? Right? RIGHT????? You wouldn’t make me a liar, RIGHT???) And the day will be made of awesome and we will save a seat for Nathan Fillion and I will even provide twine.

  111. The hat is awesome!!

    Amanda recently posted They Have A New Goal.

  112. 112
    Elizabeth

    Wow I feel honored to be in the picture from Houston in which I am laughing hysterically (brunette with glasses on right) from you reading from your book! I had to tell everyone on my facebook and my husband that I made the internet! Thanks for making my night!!!

  113. Nathan Fillion seems like kind of a jackass how doesn’t he come to these events? Doesn’t he know that he’s missing out???

    Marta recently posted Call Me Beautiful.

  114. I fucking love boobs.

  115. I hope the new tour dates include a stop in DC…we love you here!

    Leanna recently posted Fresh Produce.

  116. oh gawd! I hope Louisville, KY is on the next tour dates list!

  117. Dude, you DRINK that “emotion body milk” – that’s pure protein, baby!

    (I love that you accused Lisa Loeb of not only being a bitch, but stealing your look. sweet.)

    Red recently posted Stupid Blogger!.

  118. That is some FANCY semen! Do they sell some down in the gift shop? That wouldn’t quite be like paying for sex, but like sex leftovers… do you have to report that to the people asking you all the “do you pay for sex?” questions on the blood donation questionnaire form? Like, well I don’t pay for the sex part, but the messy end result, as long as you put it in a fancy, important looking bottle, I’ll pony up for that. Why do you think I have baby soft skin? It’s all that emotion body milk.

    Vanessa recently posted So, this just happened....

  119. I have also noticed the similarity between toothpaste and clearasil tubes. Incidentally, I am sad to report, toothpaste does not clear up zits.

  120. You can also tell you’re in fancy hotel by the fact that everything on that bottle label is in caps. Fancy things often feel the need to scream their fanciness at people.

    The Goddess of Books recently posted Top 5 Books: April Edition.

  121. That’s me, in the blue, next to Nathon Fillion’s seat!
    Yours was one of the best book signings I’ve ever been to, and I had seen David Sedaris the night before.
    Thanks for the laughs!

  122. Another vote for Boston. And the bookstore in Brookline is lovely.

    Boston, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!!

  123. 123
    Susan Sackett

    I live in Orlando and would SO come to your book tour in Miami(ish). But dang (keeping it clean), I am incoming President for my Rotary Club & they are sending me to the International Convention in Bangkok. So that is my reason & sticking to it. BUT, I have your book and plan on reading it on the plane flight and annoying all of the other passengers with my snorts of laughter. I am a FAB snorter!

  124. Please please come to DC!!! I saw you in NYC but I want all my DC peeps to have the same joy I got back in April! Its probably better to bribe with stuffed creatures then to beg isn’t it? I’m not above doing both!

  125. Roadkill hats…your new store?

    Come to St. Louis!

    a recently posted First Captcha, now Wordpress.

  126. Waiting for ya in Louisiana!

    Crack You Whip recently posted Ruckus.

  127. Please oh please let Chicago be on that new tour date list.

    carolyn recently posted i don't shampoo my hair.

  128. 128
    Dizzyliz

    Jenny, I enjoyed your book so much-laugh out loud funny! Seriously, I had two kids so that’s dangerous, but so worth the risk… Why aren’t you coming to MN?! My book club will get you drunk, you are our next month’s book :) I have also taken to using the word ‘foxen’-as in, “We should get foxen to scare away the damn neighbors cat” … I think my husband and Victor were separated at birth because he just tried to tell me that ‘foxen’ isn’t a word, but I told him it’s written in a real book so- yeah, it fuckin’ is. Thank you for that and for being you and sharing that with us.

  129. The baby gets hungry as it immediately enters the world… didn’t you know this?

    Brandi recently posted Sleeeeeeep..

  130. If no one was available to answer the womb service call, do you think they would have an answering cervix?

  131. Bread and fruit rollup roadkill ROCKS!! And so do you! I sure wish I still lived in Dallas and could’ve seen you.

    Lisa Marie Mary recently posted Learn How To Have A Truly Successful Blog.

  132. Please oh please let More Tour Dates mean somewhere in the Central Illinois Area (and Chicago is it’s own state and not near central Illinois!!! ) preferably in an adorable and cute little bookstore called Our Town Books in Jacksonville Il or that bigger store in Springfield…either way I will fight for first in line knocking down my daughter and probably mother!!

  133. My favourite photograph is the one of the people laughing, especially the guy laughing so hard he’s crying.

  134. 134
    Heidi Allen

    Please, please, please, please be coming to Colorado!!!!!

  135. I am dying to make it to one of your tour dates. My god, WHAT DO I BRING TO HAVE YOU SIGN??

    cassie recently posted let's pretend this never happened.

  136. Love yer Coon hat!

    Karen Sanders recently posted A short Very Wise post.

  137. Yea, for boobie signings!

    Please tell me your new tour dates include stops, in the Great Lakes area.

    Bree recently posted What’s a Mom Worth? Really cool #infographic..

  138. One these days we will meet, then my life will complete….well, almost, Samantua foxx is still left over from my teenage list….

    DragonDon recently posted Facebook , Spam and Threats.

  139. I wish I could have come see you read. It sounded like an awesome tour! <3

    Lesley recently posted I Always Thought I Was An Alien....

  140. Emotion body milk? Yes, being alive is definitely worth it! I’m glad you are alive and blogging, Jenny.

  141. 141
    Rose Laurano

    Come back to New York? Or Jersey? You could stay at my house if you came to Jersey. It’s big and my landlord would… not approve. But still! That would be amazing! If you come to Jersey, I mean. Not if my landlord kicks me out for inviting hordes of people to come and stay.

    Please come to Jersey?!?

  142. PLEASE
    COME
    TO
    ARKANSAS
    (preferably Little Rock. Is that too demanding? I just want to meet you and have you sign my book or my Kindle. Or my iPad. Can you sign all 3? Is that too demanding?
    Maybe I should shut up now)

  143. This looks funner than a whorehouse with no STDs.

    the muskrat recently posted at the georgia aquarium for world immunization week.

  144. Damn that Nathan Fillion!

    Brenna recently posted Ever the optimist.

  145. LOVE the picture of everyone laughing. Several of those people are laughing so hard they are crying! What an awesome moment to have captured in a photo. Can’t wait to read your book! Thank you for so much inspiration. XO

    Jessica recently posted Getting an Online Store and Being My Own Worst Enemy.

  146. 146
    Nadine Buchanan

    Please say Edmonton! Please say Edmonton! Please say Edmonton! I await with baited breath! Keep in mind Nathon Fillion is from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. ;) We have poutine. :D

  147. You’re just so funny. Thank you for that

  148. I think maybe the Emotion Body Milk is the precursor to Womb Service.

    And I really hate “gift” as a verb.

    Excellent hat. Davy Crockett would be so jealous. Or is that Daniel Boone ?

  149. That hat will come in handy for those cold Houston winters. I’m an Austin transplant in LA and I just stumbled upon your blog. I can’t wait to read more!

  150. Hurry up and get to Houston already!! My wife and I just died laughing… “Bitch stole my look”!! You Rock!!

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted German Shepherd Fetches Ball, Returns to Find His Soldier Home from Deployment.

  151. What?! New tour dates?? Please Kansas City, please Kansas City, please Kansas City, please Kansas City!!!

  152. I can’t believe you ate the edible Hamlet. Signing tongues, boobs, and moobs, however, I totally believe.

    Vesta Vayne recently posted Shut up princess.

  153. If “moob” is “man boob”, I have a new word to use when I go to work tomorrow. It’s right up there with “cankles”.

    Jen recently posted Wordless Wednesday May 2, 2012.

  154. Just wanted to let you know that I reviewed (in a manner of speaking) your wonderful book at my blog (here: http://imeldaevans.wordpress.com/2012/05/02/lets-pretend-this-never-happened/ ) Thank you, thank you, thank you. I haven’t laughed so uncontrollably in ages. I so would have brought you an edible Copernicus.

    Imelda Evans recently posted Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.

  155. I accidentally used oily hair smoothing serum for face moisturizer once.

    I imagine our experiences and reactions were quite similar…

    Rayna recently posted Guess who's back?.

  156. It looks like a blast! I hope you’ve been able to enjoy it!

    Cheryl D. recently posted Life Well Lived--Getting Happy.

  157. 157
    tinafreysd

    Setting up an email account is quick to do, with many different email providers to choose from..Thanks for a great sharing..

    tinafreysd recently posted Ways To Treat Acne.

  158. Girrrrrl, those new tour locations better include San Diego. It’s America’s Finest City. I couldn’t make it to L.A., I really think you need to accommodate me! Also, you know with your book doing so well it’s going to be made into a movie. Who will play you? For some reason I’m thinking Maggie Gyllenhal.

  159. When your done touring US could you please come to Australia. I want to be one of those people in the photo crying laughing.

  160. HOW DID MY BOOBS NOT MAKE THE PHOTO CUT??? I’m very hurt. Why???

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted Rob Delaney- Mean!.

  161. It’s fine. I’m sorry. I’m going through these extreme mood swings from coming off Lexapro. I did email you photos. But whatever. I’m just crying right now. Sorry…

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted Rob Delaney- Mean!.

  162. And men thought they were donating to fertility clinics seems that most of their arm work went to fancy smancy hotels.

    Vivian recently posted Carmen’s 21st Party Rocked!.

  163. I think I’m officially jealous. *thinking on it* Either that or I have gas. Difficult to say.

    Kaitlyn recently posted 27 Things I've learned...so far.

  164. Love the hat! I told my little sister that Stephenie Meyer showed up for one of your signings. She didn’t believe me. Not even after I showed her the picture.

    Nat recently posted Someone exploded a bomb in my apartment.

  165. You should come to Australia. You can stay at my place if you want. There’s no womb service and you’d have to sleep in the attic but at least the place is zombie-proof.

  166. I saw the clearasil thing and my first thought was “I wonder if that tastes better than or worse that eyelash glue….?”

  167. 168
    dawne shaw

    That is amazing. So glad you are enjoying your success. You deserve it. Now is the only time that I wish I still lived in Texas! LOL

  168. you seriously make getting up in the morning WORTH it when you write like you do. HELLO! Better than my cup of coffee. Well, almost.

  169. Love your blog, loved your book, please, please, please come to Boston so you can sign my kindle!!!!!

  170. Charlotte, NC would be a great place to visit on your book tour.

  171. Man, that is a tremendous chapeau. It almost looks like a high-fashion Russian hat, you know the one with the built-in earmuffs. Roadkill hats will be all the rage now.

  172. 173
    drbubbles

    It’s funny-curious that you should be wearing that hat in today’s post. Just last evening I was thinking how I’m exactly like Davy Crockett, if Davy Crockett were born & raised in suburbia and he kilt him a wasp when he was middle-aged. And also if he were a woman and didn’t wear a coonskin hat.

  173. Okay, so I know I’ve been kind of stalking you to try to get you to come to Minneapolis, and I know you haven’t noticed because it turns out that I am THE WORST STALKER EVER in that I am kind of shy and don’t want to impose or anything, but I really really really want you to come to Minneapolis, and to make it worth your while I volunteer my house for a smaller gathering that could be a fundraiser for a Good Cause of Your Choice and even asking is kind of a Red Dress Moment for me, so this is good, right?

    Please come to Minneapolis. We can save a seat for Nathan Fillion.

    HeatherWhoLovesTheBloggess recently posted In Which Henry Takes Time to Smell the Roses.

  174. “Womb Service.”

    Just another thing on the great big list of ‘shit I wish I’d thought of first.’

    moooooog35 recently posted The Girlfriend Chronicles - Part Deux.

  175. Isn’t “Emotion Body Milk” 1% code for what the rest of us classless individuals refer to as “lube?”

  176. Please, please, please say you will make some tour dates in Philadelphia!!

  177. I hope you have a reserved seat for Nathan at each of your book signings. It is awesome and kooky all at the same time!

    Seanna Lea recently posted [10 Tuesday] bulletin boards.

  178. 179
    Maryanne

    Congrats on making #2 on the best seller list!!!

    nice hat :)

  179. I want to apologize for the bottle of semen. Its seemed like a good idea at the time.

  180. 181
    Robs Cuevas

    I found you from the other “Jen” at PIWTPITT – and I am SO THANKFUL!!! YOU ARE HILARIOUS….I bought your book immediately – and while I wait for its arrival, I’ve been reading a month a day from your archives and it really is like getting a Christmas present every morning. Sorta like Chanukah but for reading…….wait, did I just compare you to a religious holiday ????? WAIT – YOU ARE a holiday!!!!!! I hope and pray that you announce east coast dates because I cant WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  181. 182
    Angeerah

    Please come to Cleveland. They have a river that caught on fire and everything. Makes you want to come, huh, huh? :)

  182. I’m still confused about the womb service…Did you ever get your burger?

    Gina recently posted Squirrels incite violence.

  183. One time when I was really drunk I brushed my teeth with a tiny travel tube of Preparation H. No one could help me because they were laughing too hard. I feel better knowing someone has shared my pain.

    Plus side: mouth hemorrhoids are GONE!

    Alison Lee recently posted Flicky Friday (ft. Daddy Issues Dating).

  184. you are the most adorable person ALIVE.

    Mels recently posted Quickie post.

  185. Lisa Loeb? Really?

    (and actually, bitch stole MY look.. from eighth grade)

    Andie recently posted Quick and Dirty Photo Post.. but not actually Dirty Photos.. sorry..

  186. 187
    Cheryl in Wisconsin

    What kind of flippin’ hotel was that? One with a sense of humor? You just made me snort with your comment about Emotion Body Milk.

  187. NEW TOUR DATES?? Did I read that correctly? Does this mean… Tampa or Orlando on the way back from (all the way down in Miami? ) We might not have as many gators( OK, we do , but they have way more pythons on the loose ) but we’re still made of awesome.

  188. Please please PLEEEEEASE come to my little rinky dink town!!? Binghamton, NY NEEDS YOU!!!!! At least consider it. :-D Pretty please!!! I’ll make cookies! Hehehe

    Devon recently posted Fire In Ice by Devon Stewart.

  189. Dear gods & goddesses, please come to Indianapolis. We have LOTS of dead things for you to buy and/or wear!

  190. 191
    hobbitty

    please, please, please come to Raleigh, NC! we have wonderful little independent bookstores and I have a backstock of anxiety meds and a good-sized bathroom :)

  191. Thank you so much for the daily dose of humanity. My boss is the ultimate dick-head, but thanks to you I have been able to start my day with a laugh and not contemplate 999 ways to get rid of him without leaving any evidence behind. Please keep writing.

  192. I’m not smart enough to stay at hotels that get all fancy with their toiletries. Give me a Hampton Inn any day over trying to figure out what Womb Service is.

    Julie recently posted Better Than A Stupid Puppy and Nobody Died.

  193. You’ll sign anything. I accept that challenge! As soon as I think of something ingenious for you to sign. That’s relatively PG 13.

    Sarah recently posted Weekend Wrap-Up: May Day-ish.

  194. 195
    Plaidfox

    What else can you expect from a hotel that offers you free semen? Did they also offer pap smears and hookers? Not together of course. That would be horrific. “Would you like to give a pap smear to this hooker over here?” “Um… how do I put this delicatly… HELL NO?” Just imagine that activity. People’s heads would explode. Or like, a baby alien would come crawling out. *shudder*

    -The End.

  195. Please add DC to your book tour! We need you in the nation’s capital!!

  196. Damn, just got your book yesterday in the mail. I am reading it outloud to my partner Andrew. In the next addition you may want to add a warning that adult diapers should be worn by those of us with weaker bladders.

  197. Good job schooling Lisa Loeb you should go after Tina Fey next I think she stole your look too. :) My glasses make me look like the fashion designer from The Incredibles so I think you are coming out ahead there. Love you, Lotta..

  198. Keep rock’n the tour, love the hat!!!!

  199. I’ve been reading your book and I kind of love it. I feel like I know you so well now. Because of this, I can confidently say that, yes, the roadkill hat was probably the right choice.

    Also? You could always stick the “emotion body milk” up a cow’s vagina. (Guess what I just reaaaaad?!? :D)

  200. Ps. I have a bottle of that lotion but I bottled it myself because I am super organic and won’t use mass produced sperm. Canning season around here is exhausting. And dehydrating.

    Tanya recently posted This Happened!.

  201. Last Christmas my friend Adrienne (who also, fabulous lady that she is, introduced me to your blog) brought into my life my very own metal chicken. His name is Ke$ha and he plays a yellow fiddle. By joining my household, he fulfilled his lifelong dream of being the weird thing on the front stoop that visitors ask about. Now the only thing left on his bucket list (I tried explaining to him that metal chickens are immortal, and therefore have no need of a bucket list, but he insisted he has one. And really, if he wants a bucket list, who am I to deny him? Nobody, that’s who) is to be autographed by the fantastic lady who’s blog was the inspiration that led him to his new home (you). Unfortunately, he cannot fly, as his metal wings are both too heavy and preoccupied with fiddle holding. He humbly requests that you visit him on the second leg of your tour. Just pick a local bookstore and we’ll make the rest of the journey. He lives in Philadelphia with me, my copy of your book, and all of my turtles, including a ceramic penis turtle. Also we have cheesesteaks. And Wawa, which is like 7-Eleven if 7-Eleven were awesome and not vaguely sad. You’ll enjoy it. Please come.

  202. Does Clearasil taste as minty fresh? Figured I’d ask before I tried it myself.

    Becky recently posted May Daze.

  203. You’re amazing!

    Jax recently posted Turn That Frown Upside Down.

  204. Get your ass to Chicago!!!

  205. How excited am I that you’re coming to MY TOWN? Gaithersburg MD! And you are probably like, where the F is that? It’s not far from DC. Probably with in the evacuation radius if they ever nuke the White House. We will be at the Book Festival to welcome you!!

    Meg @ Soup Is Not A Finger Food recently posted What happens at Vegas Night....

  206. The roadkill hat is perfect.
    Please tell us that “womb service” is actually some fancy pre-natal “mommy spa package” rather than a stud service… at that price, it better come with a foot rub. Oh dear. Maybe the stud service is how they get the semen lotion. I must know the name of that hotel.

    Jessica G recently posted Best laid plans | Good intentions.

  207. I am SO jealous of everyone in that picture laughing. How could you not come to Chicago!!!
    And the toothpaste/clearsil picture is the funniest things I have ever seen.

  208. Womb service AND bottled semen. I am NOT staying at that hotel. 49 is too old to start with the babies.

    Also, just finished your book, loved it, thank you!!!

    Robin recently posted This is a Narwahl..

  209. It was good. Thanks again for coming to Houston!

    [Hoping you're alright after the last post.]

  210. PLEASE Come to DC!!!!!!

  211. Just finished your book this morning and I absolutely LOVED IT. I’m sure you’re hearing that all the time, but I laughed out loud in PUBLIC several times, and then I cried a little bit when you talked about hearing your daughter’s cry at her birth. SUCH a good book!!!! Congratulations on your success!

    Ashley recently posted 5 Things.

  212. Two lessons learned today while looking for Jenny’s book at maze of bookstore:

    1. Little kids don’t like it when you finally find said book and screech “FUCKIN’A, DEAD MOUSE, YEESSSSSSSS’

    2. Parents like it even less when you try to explain excitement of finding book by trying to explain it whilst(score 2 points for using fancy word) uttering a paragraph containing labia, dead pug and cat rapist.

    Melissa M recently posted Seeing a lot of sitting and laying down in future....

  213. Come to the Midwest! I’d be there in a hot sec!

    Brian recently posted Doings of Our Generation: The Tired-Off.

  214. 215
    Caitlin G33kling

    Please come to Las Vegas! I can’t guarantee anyone else will be there, but _I_ will and that’s all that matters. Or you could come to my house LOL :)

    Congrats on your emotion body milk semen score.

  215. 216
    Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants

    It looks like so much fun!!!

    Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants recently posted What did I tell you?.

  216. I wasn’t sure if you were serious about signing boobs, but appreciate how nice you were about signing mine. When I got home and had my housemate take a picture he was appalled that I had even ASKED you to sign my boobs.

    Of course, earlier in the evening I got a text from him (his name, by the way, is NOT Victor) that read:
    “Please don’t get arrested tonight. You have the car and I can’t come and get you”
    My response:
    “What exactly is it that you think I’m going to be doing here tonight, Victor?”
    (because his text sounded to me like the sort of thing Victor would say to you… this has actually prompted many discussions in our household for the last week wherein he will call me Jenny (not my name) and I will call him Victor and then we laugh… and I imagine, just for a moment, that I am remotely as awesome as you)

    MsDarkstar recently posted Meeting Jenny Lawson.

  217. 218
    Shannon Arthur

    You are my hero(ine)! Please come to Columbia, SC. There’s a lot of bizarro here. And dead animals. And fans that love you!

  218. 219
    Christina

    YAY New dates!!! PLEASE tell me your gonna come to Arizona!?! Please please please!! :D

  219. When your publisher tells you that an unseemly number of books are being shipped to the remote, yet charming city of Kalamazoo – you can tell her that some crazy ass fan of yours has held her friends and family emotionally hostage. Until they buy and order your book, I’m on a hunger strike. And by “hunger strike” I mean I am flooding them with emails, texts and Facebook posts that they must own and read this book – while enjoying a sugary donut. But they don’t need to know that. Here’s hoping this spike in sales results in a book signing in my living room.

  220. Emotion Body Milk? Fire the dude who came up with that. Ilch.

    Stephanie recently posted The Road.

  221. Furry hats, body milk and an overall good time. Can we really ask for anything more?

  222. 223
    Queen Elisheba

    I totally want some womb service!

    Queen Elisheba recently posted C.J.H.S - Completed Sacral Chakra Page.

  223. I’m bored. Let’s trade lives. Only I have to warn you I have as well so you’ll be getting screwed there. Oh and I also have a ton of LIVE animals, so you’ll have to feed them which I don’t know if you’re used to. Then again, you should be. I read the book Jenny. I know…. I KNOW!
    Actually I’ve changed my mind. I like you too much to do that too you.
    XOXO,
    The Bipolar Ninja

    BipolarBaby recently posted If I Die Tomorrow, It’ll Be As A Total Failure.

  224. 225
    Plano Mom

    I so love you.

  225. 226
    Lea Parrott

    I don’t think I have ever commented on here, but I wanted to tell you just how much I love your site! I love the humor, the strange humor, but most of all I love the fact that you make depression a real thing, not something that just happens to crazy people. I have chronic depression, and it’s always been hard to explain to people. I have always felt broken and weird and abnormal and like I was not good enough to be around “normal” people. Your video yesterday made me cry, mostly because you were able to put into words why having depression is not always a bad thing. I just wanted to let you know how amazing you are, and I so wish I was back living in Texas so we could be BFF’s LOL. Keep on doing what you are doing because you site some days is the only bright spot in my life! Beyonce Rules!!

  226. OMGNEWTOURDATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE COME TO OKLAHOMA!!! We’re just a hop, skip and a river away!

  227. 228
    Lea Parrott

    Oh, and could you please please come to Louisville, or at least close enough so that I can drive to see you?

  228. I love the hat!!!!! Last night I went to a “ladies night” at a gun range. My favorite part, besides killing the super pink ninja that was our target because apparently even at a gun range if you have a vagina you MUST have all things pink about you, was when I was about to leave I saw HIM. I’ve decided to call him Mortimer and next time I’m there I’m going to ask if I can buy him. He’s an alligator, stuffed, and wearing a kick-ass combat outfit but grinning like he’s up to no good. We had a moment, but I let him stay there with the guns because I’m already in the doghouse for an impulse buy of a giant ugly yellow chair off of craigslist that is STILL in my van because my husband refuses to let me bring it in the house. I told him I was going to recover it and make it beautiful and then he tried to tell me I had no idea how to do that. But I have a glue gun and spray paint….you can’t stop my craftiness.

    Oh and how do you know that those two things don’t taste alike?

  229. 230
    Heather R

    Please come to upstate NY!!!!! Oh, and I can’t read your book at the Gym anymore. The random shouts of laughter scares the other people and I almost fell off the stationary bike into another rider……

  230. Some of the people in the final picture appear to be crying with laughter – what an amazing gift you share with your readers.

  231. I’m quite bummed I was unable to see you!
    Someday I’ll have time and money!

    Nats recently posted The Good Tests, The Bad Tests, and The Ugly Tests.

  232. Come back to new york ~ I missed you!!!!!!!

    melissa recently posted Yes, I WILL be actually blogging now..

  233. Oh, joy! I love the hat, the schnitzel sandwich, the pure emotion body milk, and, um, Womb Service. It sounds like you are having a wonderful time. Moob, eh?

    Kathleen recently posted Cruel Odysseus.

  234. I would like to say thank you for putting my boob on the internet in a totally legitimate not porn way. I need to stop telling/showing my coworkers, though.

    I’m glad you came to Houston. :) thank you.

  235. “Emotion body milk”. I guess they know about your experience with cow insemination…

    TheProf recently posted Hounding For "Blogging" Info.

  236. DC! DC! DC! I am am hour away, but I will WALK in to see you if that’s what it takes to get you to come here! DC! DC! DC! Everybody, now: DC! DC! DC!

  237. Tasting Clearisil sounds like a bad euphemism….

    Eleanor recently posted Satisfaction wasn't that hard, was it?.

  238. I am so proud of you! But seeing you wear that raccoon on your head made me all itchy. I KNOW it has to have lice! EWWWW

  239. *GASP* New tour dates better mean Chicago! I would die.

  240. JENNY! The hotel I used to work at just recently fired a housekeeper for masturbating on a woman’s bra. This was just a regular business hotel though, not a fancy hotel. Clearly, he was just trying to increase the guest experience by providing free semen; poor man forgot to bottle it.

    Also, this is a totally fucking true story:
    http://www.tripadvisor.com/Hotel_Review-g57402-d100047-Reviews-Holiday_Inn_Burlington-South_Burlington_Vermont.html

  241. you silly wonderful thing you.

    MORE MORE. again, thanks for coming to Marin.

    sean recently posted So there I was holding my balls at work….

  242. 243
    Amy Lewis

    PLEASE make my day and tell me that one of the additional tour dates is Seattle!

  243. Only you could pull off that roadkill look Jenny. I’m getting your book for Mother’s Day and I can’t wait.

  244. Hopefully NaterTater will make it to an upcoming reading during your next series of tour dates. Did you pack twine with you, just in case? Or a spatula? Then again, it would be completely awesome if you could find a taxidermy form wrapped in twine holding a spatula and have him hold that.

    Anyway, congrats on the amazing book tour, I hope many more dates follow and that you sell so many copies that Amazon runs out of stock (can Amazon run out of stock?).

    Nita recently posted It could have been any of us.

  245. Womb service sounds like some kind of unprotected sex gigolo.

  246. Saw you in Houston!!!! Love you and your book. Had to share a short story. My 70ish year old mom just came to Houston for a visit. She saw your book on the counter and after reading the first page, asked if she could borrow it. Late that night I wake up and walk out to the dining room to track down a strange noise. After about a minute, I hear it again….it’s my mom, in the guest room upstairs…..giggling uncontrollably like a kid!!!! She finished the book in the wee hours of the morning and has asked me to bookmark your blog on her computer.

    Glad mom and I could bond over The Bloggess!!!!

  247. 248
    Carol D.

    I was so disappointed that I was out of town when you came to San Francisco. I bought the book and would have to put it down when I was riding the train to work because I would laugh so hard I would cry. Love you and I’m so thankful to read about you and your life. Plus, I could totally relate to the bread wrapper shoes. My parents did that to my sister and I when it snowed also.

  248. Love love love your book. Being from Texas myself (Amarillo to be exact) and born in the 70′s…..I can relate on so many twisted levels and I nearly pissed myself from laughter. Thank you!

  249. You have outdone yourself with this post. I love it!!! To your continued success. And, thank you for making me laugh out loud at least once today.

  250. I am enjoying all this vicariously. The “Womb Service” has me on edge, though. Hang in there!

    "Susab Says..." recently posted The Parking Spot, Part I.

  251. I spit my coffee out when I read emotion body milk is semen. I love it! Did you try out the “lotion” or did the whole thing just make you uncomfortable?

    Kim recently posted Mental Strength Conditioning.

  252. The pain specialist who cares for me has declared May Women’s Pelvic Alignment Awareness Month. She says that most women have a misaligned pelvis, esp. women who have had children. If the pelvis is out of place, everything else in the body is out of place.

  253. A friend of mine just sent me the following email:
    “The pain specialist who cares for me has declared May Women’s Pelvic Alignment Awareness Month. She says that most women have a misaligned pelvis, esp. women who have had children. If the pelvis is out of place, everything else in the body is out of place.”
    While I take Pelvic Alignment as seriously as the next person, I felt this was something you would appreciate knowing about, and possibly celebrating. Not that I think you would ever make fun of Pelvic Alignment. Never. Nonetheless, when I read this email, I thought of you…I have no idea why.
    Thanks for your book and blog. I love finding other women who are crazy is a way I can relate to, as opposed to a way that makes me want to injure them.
    Anyway, I’m 56 and I think Pelvic Alignment sounds a bit too painful for me, but you’re young…you still have hope! I generally make a rule not to “celebrate” anything with the word “alignment” in it, but that’s just me.

    Hilary Lohrman recently posted The Easter Turkey Appears.

  254. You are so Awesome!

    btw, I’m worried about Victor & Laura…look in the background of the pic of Copernicus giving me a hug.

    https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.3467539640732.203467.1038297795&type=3&l=52ecb0d84c

    Let me know if you need my aunt’s address for thanksgiving!

  255. NEW TOUR DATES?! I hope one includes my living room. I can provide dead frogs, if that’s what you’re into these days.

    Melissa recently posted It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad…Lib.

  256. New tour dates? Did I hear you right? Please come to Wisconsin. We adore you!

    Kathie recently posted Office - craigslist.

  257. Yay! New tour dates! I can hope and dream that one of those dates will be near Baltimore, MD. We would love to come and get our audiobook signed.

  258. Oooh, pretty please come to Kansas City!! I will feed you all the bbq you can eat followed by tasty local microbrew beers. (This *is* the midwest, there’s not a whole lot to offer). :) I will also bring hoardes (sp?) of my friends/ your faithful followers to come and see you. What else can your cult do for you? ;)

  259. Every tour should have a seat reserved for Nathan Fillion. I’m just saying. I have a spot saved for him at our dinner table. It’s the least he (and I) deserve, yeah?

  260. 261
    DotWonder

    i now covet a road kill hat? it’s not possible!

  261. I think Emotion Body Milk is what the Skeksies were trying to extract from the Gelflings.

    Kay recently posted 2012.

  262. That fruit roll up cape was a masterpiece.

    FINGERS CROSSED OHIO!

    Nicole recently posted Book Review: 'Roses' by Leila Meacham.

  263. Womb service? Sounds like a description of what a gigolo might have done in the early 1900′s do.

    Bodacioudboomer recently posted This is waay more work than I anticipated….

  264. 265
    TehTimmah

    I second Edmonton Alberta, Canada. Even Calgary would be okay, but Edmonton is closer. I would so pay to go and see you live. And get things signed.

  265. 266
    Plaid Sheep

    Yea to more dates!!!
    Hope they include Boston…

  266. I see your mouse tupper cake and raise you the moodiest birthday cake ever (see link) if you are nice to me I might be able to get you something like that

    angelica recently posted the moodiest birthday cake ever.

  267. I’ve never wanted a mouse sandwich more.

    Jack recently posted Continued website work.

  268. Can you come to Hawaii? Not Honolulu, where everyone goes, but to Kona. We will treat you with aloha and maybe even find you a stuffed mongoose dressed in a muumuu.

  269. I have a new favorite quote: I’m pretty sure “emotion body milk” is semen.
    Wonder how I can work that in to a convo….

    dysfunctional mom recently posted Sundays in my City.

  270. omg, I LOVE you.
    i’m reading your book now and I thought I couldn’t puffy heart you more.

    But.

    I do.

    Andrea recently posted Bazinga!.

  271. 272
    anonymous momma

    if you tell me you are coming to maryland? I think I will just cry. Specifically baltimore. Or Dc. Or Rockville. Shoo, if you come to rockville? I think I’ll have kittens. Wouldnt that be an interesting sight?

    anonymous momma recently posted Welcome to the crazy.

  272. Please, pretty please, come to Albany, NY. Or Saratoga Springs, NY, during track season. You’d love it. I think. :)

  273. 274
    girlgigi

    Dear god,
    Please make Jenny come to my house.
    In lieu of that, please make her book required reading for everyone.
    Thank you for letting me use “in lieu”.
    Amen.
    ps
    You should give her a job in HR, in heaven.

  274. I hope your new tour dates include the midwest ie. Minneapolis! I will call in sick to work and everything. I tried to ration your book so I wouldn’t finish it all in one day. I was proud of myself because I spread it out over two days. Now I am finished with it and am dying to see you in person. Thank you for writing (and touring)!

  275. When I saw the tweet about the clearsil and toothpaste it reminded me of one morning when my roadie called me from some hotel somewhere in the lower 48 and said,

    “Next time you pack my toiletries bag will you make sure that the icy hot is in a different container?”
    “yes dear why”
    “well it doesn’t work nearly as well as blue star ointment”
    “OMG are your balls still intact”
    “yes, but it was a close call”

    Sweety Darlin recently posted Then we can be Lesbian lovers!.

  276. I was *super* hoping my Xanax confetti had made a bigger impact so I could quit my job and go into the “drug confetti for fun” business. It turns out that although I did not notice her, that Stephanie Meyer was right in front of me getting her book signed, and my Xanax confetti was unable to make a bigger impact. Your book was FANTASTIC and I will try to make something more exciting for the next book tour like a Xanax pinata where real Xanax falls out……that would be much better anyway, right? xo-C

  277. Just a big YAY! Except for the roadkill hat.

    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted Holy Shit, It's May!.

  278. How awesome would the mouse be ON the hat!!!

  279. Your editor is the best editor IN THE GALEXY! Where does she find such magnificent head wear! I want!
    Also… emotion body milk is just…creepy. *it rubs the lotion on its skin* creepy.

    Brenna recently posted A Mouse Masquerading as a Mountain Lion.

  280. PLEASE COME TO CANADA!!!!!! YOU REALLY MUST TOUR HERE!!! WE LACK HUMOUR AND THEREFORE MUST DEPEND ON YOU TO MAKE US LAUGH! :)

    MORE SPECIFICALLY GUELPH ONTARIO!! (CAUSE THAT IS WHERE I AM! :)

  281. I’m so incredibly sorry for the comments I left last night! I was blocked by my Twitter crush and was so deeply hurt I feel apart. I’m off my meds and it’s messing up my head. I love you forever, please forgive me. XOXOXOXOXO

    I know you understand my crazy, Jenny, and that’s why you are so amazing.

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted Rob Delaney Hates His Fans.

  282. Audio please. I own a hardcover! (why the different covers? is the UK more whimsical then us?)

  283. You should send the bottle of emotion body milk to a lesbian trying to conceive. That shit is expensive at the fertility clinic.

  284. 285
    Michèle

    I saw someone else thought of you when they saw this but figured to repost it just in case you missed it cause you are so loved there is no way you probably read everything so….

    http://laughingsquid.com/the-rogue-taxidermy-2012-biennial-group-art-show/

  285. Jenny. Could you please please please please have another tour somewhere close to Austin? I live like an hour away from there and am about to be back in TX for summer and REALLY want to come see you (I would have already but I go to school in NE). Also I use 2 spaces between by sentences when I type, which totally came from you and because of that I need to come see you.

    Mara recently posted Laurie Lipton.

  286. You are awesome! I am still holding out for Fillion to come around.

    Jessica recently posted Pinterest Challenge.

  287. I usually read in bed before I turn in, but my husband has banned your book from my bedtime selection because I can’t help the involuntary laughing outbursts that escape my body while he’s trying to sleep. Loving the book!

  288. Your book came in the mail today (it arrived that is).
    LMAO!!
    No Chicago dates on the tour?

  289. Audio version, because I need an excuse to laugh hysterically while driving!

    You still haven’t answered my question about where on my iPad should I place the bookplate? See, I have a bumpy cover on it, so the only flat surface is the screen, but then I couldn’t read the rest of the book (I’m up to you and Victor and your lovely apartment). I could put it on the back of the iPad itself, but then I wouldn’t actually see it, nor would I impress anyone with the fact that you actually signed my eBook copy of the book.

    Oh, and if you’re taking requests for book tour locations, Central Florida to Jacksonville is good. If you’re doing any dates in DC, somewhere around June 10th would be nice, since I’ll be there to see my favorite band’s first concert in the US in twelve years. :)

  290. 291
    Jackie Hattori

    GO PLAY THIS RIGHT NOW! http://nothingsgonnastopmenow.com/

    It’s Perfect Strangers and you help Balki find his dream!! It’s awesomesauce!!!

  291. You know those people who are socially awkward in person but all clever online?

    That’s not me, evidently.

    So I’ll just say: AUDIOBOOK! And: thank you for being you. Seriously.

  292. very cute ear muffs I might add! :))

    esperanza recently posted Kitchen islands with breakfast bar.

  293. I couldn’t help but laugh and think of your HR chapter when my most recent online job application included a required section for a short poem about my most recent employment. You KNOW those bitches are using them for drinking games.

    Midianite Manna recently posted Getting old sucks..

  294. Jenny, that hat is DA BOMB and totally you. Now you just need some cute mouse head dangly earrings to complete the look. BTWY, I just finished your book and LOVED it. Total awesomeness!

    Janene recently posted funny superhero costumes.

  295. Love you, love the book, love that you signed my So Cal Lady Blogsister Leila’s tongue.

    And THANK you for being so open and honest about your struggles with depression and other mental disorders. Sharing your video clip with my readers, today.

    The Writing Goddess recently posted The Most Amazing People Are "Crazy" - Like The Bloggess.

  296. Clearasil is not the worst thing you can mistake toothpaste for.
    Don’t ask me how I know.

    John recently posted Good news!.

  297. Oh and about the free semen… I have heard that it whitens your teeth, so you could always swish it :)

  298. I personally think you should come back to Los Angeles. I am pretty sure there are a few million people who agree with me. Please?

    Christene recently posted Wordless Wednesday.

  299. I see your tube of Clearasil and raise you a tube or cortisone cream AND a tube lipgloss. Yup, Ive done this twice. What can I say, I used to work shifts and used to be half asleep during my morning beauty routine which generally did wonders for my ability to put eyeliner on straight.

    ASHLEY recently posted A Note on Phobias aka. Yup, Spiders Terrify Me..

  300. One Word: Atlanta. Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta. Ok, that was one word with emphasis added.

    Please?

    But not May 23 – 28 cause I’ll be out of town. Thanks, you’re the best! And I laughed out loud at my step-daughter’s 7th grade band concert because I was reading about lightning bolts and lazy gynecologists and any residual trauma she suffered is totally your fault. But 7th grade band concerts are a special circle of hell you just haven’t gotten to yet. Not to say she isn’t a freaking awesome bassoon player and all.

  301. Looks like you’re doing pretty well out there on tour!!! Enjoy yourself!!!

    Michael Rochelle recently posted It’s Raining Pink Slips.

  302. I’ve decided that at our next Passover Seder we will leave two empty chairs-one for Elijah and one for Nathan Fillion. We’ll see who shows up first.

    judy recently posted A Near Death Experience in a Solo Cup.

  303. I’m sure 4 bazillion people have told you this recently but I’m going to tell you as well! Besides being the best writer to ever live you are so pretty! A girl can never hear that too many times right?! I hope you’re having the time of your life, you totally deserve it girl!

    Hugs and kisses from Denver!!

  304. 305
    Cynthia Holt

    If I were doing a reading, I too would reserve a seat for Nathan Fillion.

  305. Why is bread and fruit rollup Hamlet von Schnitzel’s banner across his little mousey privates like a Vanity Fair Fashion Don’t? Let your freak flag fly, Hamlet, and bare those giblets!

    Julie the Wife recently posted If There's A Will......

  306. Like you and knowing that Clearasil doesn’t taste like toothpaste, I know that eyeglass cleaner doesn’t hold the hairdo very well. At least I didn’t douse my glasses with hairspray.

  307. What’s a road trip without a hat made of road kill and a bottle of seamen to take home? I mean really, these are just basics ;)

    Canoncowgirl recently posted Oh Shiitake!.

  308. Did I just manage to misspell semen? I blame the navy and inappropriate navy jokes. What’s long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine you pervert.

    And to make this relevant, one time I almost brushed my teeth with some *khem* feminine itch relief cream. True story.

    Canoncowgirl recently posted Oh Shiitake!.

  309. 310
    fallingsnow

    I think you need to see this! Regretsy wrote a piece about Rogue Taxidermy and I think it may just make your day:

    http://www.regretsy.com/2012/05/04/rogue-taxidermy/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+regretsy+%28Regretsy%29

  310. 311
    Lois Gagnon

    Was browsing in the book store this afternoon looking for my next good read when I came upon your book. After reading the jacket I thought, this lady and I seem to have a lot in common. My dad did taxidermy and the freezer had creature parts (mostly heads) in it all the time.

    I dealt with depression when I was younger as well. Thankfully, that chapter of my life is past. I’m pushing senior status.

    Can’t wait to start your book. Good luck with the tour. Didn’t know about your blog, but I intend to visit it regularly from now on. Cheers!

  311. 312
    acrannymint

    If my friend doesn’t make it down for “wine in the woods” in Columbia, MD, I am so there. FYI, I loved the book so much I sent it as a bday present to my sister (both of us are bipolar)

  312. So I just wanted to tell you, I hosted a bachelorette party last night. And you came up in conversation. And we have determined we should send you a ferret wearing clothes. So if any of the nine of us manage to locate that, and you find one in your mailbox, it’s from Rhode Island. Please don’t have us arrested.

  313. 314
    wynell gregorio

    Read about you in the O magazine, would love to get my hands on the book. I’m from Trinidad, West Indies

  314. wtf is in that edible dead mouse? His cape looks like a fruit roll up.

    Rachel recently posted Your teenager is an idiot…..because they’re a teenager..

  315. How much money would I have to pay you to get you to come to Idaho (the Boise area) and do a book signing??????

    Nathan Fillion didn’t show, huh? That bastard!

    LOVE the hat! LOVE IT!

  316. When are you coming to Buffalo? I will make you a Boboli pizza if you are hungry. Your womb however is on it’s own. We also don’t provide bottled semen, but I could probably get fresh if it’s a deal breaker.

    Cathy recently posted The Avengers: Observations, Questions and a Three Word Spoiler.

  317. I want the version of you coming to my house and acting it out in an interpretive dance.

    Rai recently posted To the "People Getting In My Face".

  318. I think that you should contact Stephen Colbert about adding Angelo Caroli’s nicely packaged semen to his Stephen Colbert line. And then you can wear your raccoon hat on the show. I think that he might be scared,mthough, because the raccoon looks really pretty pissed off and like he might launch himself off your head at any moment.
    if I am lucky enough to be picked, I want the print version– thanks!

    Lili

    Lily recently posted The Little i.

  319. Semen lotion? AHAHAHAHAHA.

    (But really, I shouldn’t laugh, because a few years ago I was dumb and vain enough to purchase an expensive bottle of skin cream designed to eliminate wrinkles, that was formulated by local a dermatologist. I found out a couple of months later it was made of human foreskin. I believe any benefits to my skin may have been removed by the Comet facial scrub I subsequently performed after I came home…)

    francerants recently posted Just Give Me My Damn Coffee Already.

  320. 321
    Melissa B

    You rock my socks.

    My husband and I were supplied with “body milk” at the fancy hotel we stayed at on our honeymoon. My husband said there was no way he was rubbing a full-on bukkaki barage on himself.

    Since it appears that “body milk” only comes (heh…) from fancy hotels, does this mean that rich people like to rub semen on their face…?

  321. What exactly did Womb Service cover???!?!?! I need details. And the number to the front desk.

    Joy Ribisi recently posted Recipe Scrapbook.

  322. just met you today: i am not a blogger. apologizes up front. had no idea curlers were your look. my mom used to wear them. i’ll tell her to stop too.

  323. edit: apologies.

    rachel demartin recently posted LENTICCHIE:.

  324. Great. Now my uterus is craving a beef patty. MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

    Ruby Wildflower recently posted Protected: The Life of an iPhone.

  325. I friggin love that I googled 6 girlfriends and a bottle of wine (looking for a fun pic to drop in my blog post) and this pic of you with the raccoon on your head popped up! Awesome

  326. This article on the Scientific American site about roadkill reminded me of you. I mean that in a VERY nice way!
    http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/symbiartic/2013/09/13/road-kill-you-can-hang-on-your-wall/?WT.mc_id=SA_facebook

    Robert Bradford recently posted Would you prefer sales growth or profit growth?.

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