What happens on tour stays all over the internet

I’ve been on a bit of a whirlwind book tour and I haven’t had much time to let you know what’s been going on, so I’m going to do a quick update pulled directly from my journal:


My editor couldn’t decide between a bottle of wine or a hat made from actual roadkill as a book pub date gift.  I think she made the right choice:

His feet make excellent ear muffs.


I think I’m at a fancy hotel because I can’t tell what’s in the bottles.  At no point on this bottle does it say that it’s lotion.  I’m pretty sure “emotion body milk” is semen.  I have an entire bottle of free semen and I have no idea what to do with it.

I still took it home.


Same hotel.  I want a cheeseburger so I call for room service.  They reply, “Did you mean Womb Service?”  No.  No, I certainly did not and I can’t imagine enough people are making this mistake to make it worthy of that follow up question.

Also, yes, of course I have pictures:

For when you need a cheeseburger. In your birth canal.


One of these is toothpaste.  The other is clearasil.

They do not taste the same.  Ask me how I know.


I went to a tv interview but they neglected to tell me that it was live TV in Hollywood before a studio audience and so I was sort of petrified.  But then I took all my anti-anxiety drugs and I felt better (and woozie) until I stepped into the makeup room and there was a brunette in curlers with black glasses and I was all “Bitch stole my look” and then she said “Excuse me?” and I tried to explain myself but I was too mumbly to makes sense and then she took her hair out of the curlers AND IT WAS LISA LOEB.

Lisa Loeb isn't in this picture because I ran away from her as soon as I possibly could because I'd been mortified enough. She was very nice though.

I signed several boobs and one moob and some dead frogs.  I’ll sign anything.

No, really. Anything.

People brought me awesome, bizarre things.  Including a Tupperware bowl with an edible version of the dead mouse on the cover of my book:

No shit, y'all.

It tasted adorable.  And suspicious.  I was very hungry.


I spoke in a quavering voice between a variety of dumpsters.

Dumpsters not shown.

And people laughed.

That empty seat was reserved for Nathan Fillion. Just in case.

And it was good.

More to come (including new tour dates!)…

327 thoughts on “What happens on tour stays all over the internet

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I just bought your book — you give me hope that I can write things other than beading books one day! Rock that mouse!

  2. Awesome!!!!!!!! I think you got the right gift too. And enjoy the cheeseburger. In your womb.

  3. Please come to Orlando!!

    While reading this, a falcon landed in my backyard. Coincidence? I think not.

  4. I cannot tell you how sad it makes me that I am going to be out of town on the day you are coming to speak at a location 5 minutes from my house. Every night since I got your amazing book, I have read one chapter a night because if I read any more, I’ll have an asthma attack from laughing so hard. I am pretty sure my roommate thinks I’m nuts now. Wish I could meet you again (I met you at BlogHer in 2010 where you wrote me a message on a typewriter, which I still have on my bulletin board above my desk.)!!

  5. This sounds like an absolutely amazing-good time! I wish I could have partaken!

    (Also, Lisa Loeb totally stole your look, but you rock it much better.)

  6. I have to know. What, exactly, *is* involved in “womb service?”

    And the hat ROCKS.

  7. I bought your book the day it came out. It took me less than three hours to read, and I laughed through the entire goddamn thing. Now, when I’m having a shitty day, I’ll pull it out and read it out loud in a Julia Child voice to whomever happens to be near. The mailman thinks I’m weird. So thank you.

  8. Damn, I’m going to start saving an empty seat for Nathan Filllon everywhere I go from now on. I will let you know if he shows up.

  9. I thought I pre-ordered your book, but I made a mistake at it was the audio book. I really wanted the to read the book rather than listen, so I bought in on Kindle. Then I realized I had no place to put my book plate, so I had to order the book anyway. If I am example of your fans, your book is number one because your audience are nincompoops.

  10. OMG Jenny You inspire me in sooooo many different ways

    for when depression is a liar, when I have panic attacks…

    for when I just need to smile

  11. Listening to you at Book People read about taking laxatives and almost getting raped is probably the highlight of my year. Your book is also divine. And crazy.

  12. Just seeing that man wiping away tears of laughter makes me empathy-laugh with him. What a fun tour!

  13. I bought your book not too long ago and just finished it yesterday. This was the first book where I was laughing out loud. So funny and poignant (I spent a short time of my childhood in west texas so had a moment)…I am sorry I missed your stop here in the bay area.
    I thought of you when I read about this art show – http://laughingsquid.com/the-rogue-taxidermy-2012-biennial-group-art-show/ and was wondering if you had a chance to grab some time for gallery viewing while in Los Angeles. thanks for making me smile, laugh and cry. keep it up.

  14. it sounds like so much fun. The adventures you are having on the road will give you enough material to write another book.

    Are you stopping to collect anything you kill with your tour bus. They could get stuffed and have their own room dedicated to them.

  15. I hope you enjoyed the tour as much as we have. I had the pleasure of introducing the older members of my family to your work, and their reactions were spectacular.

  16. It’s good to have an editor who understands you so well. And really, I bet there aren’t many editors willing to shop for dead rodent head-wear for their authors. She’s obviously a keeper.

  17. So oddly proud of you. Like your strange aunt on your mom’s side that was once a gun runner but now is hiding in Mexico. Except Canada. Well done, Jenny! You deserve all the good things!

  18. Jenny, as always, you rock out loud. What makes you so amazing is that you are afraid and sometimes depressed … but you FIGHT. You use humor and your all-too-willing internet army of freaks (myself being a card-carrying member), but you *fight*. You are like the John Connor of depression. (Just with less psychopathic technology and more human experience.) You’re amazing.

  19. I’m seething with jealousy because people I know are reading your book RIGHT NOW. I am THIS CLOSE to venturing out in the world to buy it. It’s my inticement for, you know, participating in life. I have a good feeling it could happen tomorrow! 🙂

  20. Ahh you make me want to write a book, not because I want to be famous, that sounds horrible actually. I mean, not to get all anxiety-disorder-competitive but I don’t think all the Xanax in the world could keep me from having an anxiety attack in front of that many people…no, it’s not the fame, it’s the fact that I believe I have almost as many crazy, weird, true-life experiences as you. Maybe it’s a Texas thing? I don’t know. But you give me hope that someday, if I write all my adventure memories down, people might actually be interested in reading them!

  21. Oh, new tour dates! I am so hoping you come my way (in Phoenix, AZ) because your video on depression literally saved me this morning; Depression was lying it’s ass off in my ear, so I thought I’d watch that vid you recently posted and now any time those thoughts come back, I just tell myself it’s lying to me and I only have to make it through to day.

    Also, I take an author coming to my city as a bribe to buy their book. It’s a big deal, as I’m poor as dirt.

  22. New tour dates? New tour dates??!!!
    Can you tell I’m excited already? And I don’t even know where you’re going.
    Whatever, I don’t care.

  23. Come back to the L.A. area, at a bookstore! Because I was too cheap to buy tickets to the reading you had here!

    Note: I was *not* too cheap to pre-order the book.

  24. Please, please come back to the East coast–preferably to the DC area! I so want to be able to meet you in person!! Plus, I’m pretty sure my sister would let you do a reading in her bathroom if you wanted to. She has a lovely half-bath she remodeled herself and she likes showing it off. 😉

  25. Womb service just sounds….moist. And probably lacking in hamburgers! So awesome to see the turnout you have had. Pretty please come to the East Coast? *sniffle*

  26. Sounds like a fantastic week… and just for the record. They (and read ‘they’ as way too many men with less than pure thoughts) say semen makes a great moisturizer.. BUT, I can’t imagine why a fancy hotel would want to use it. I mean, heck it’s not like you can’t easily get it for free at any low cost, hourly rate motel. Sheesh! That’s not “special” at all!

  27. Please please please come to Chicago. You are seriously amazing and I would be beyond excited to meet you!!

  28. Wish I could think of something awesomely memorable and funny to say but I am still reeling from your video. So glad your tour has been so incredible 🙂

  29. The funniest part about coming to see you was after you’d signed my book and then I went to the restroom and as I was standing in the line, I noticed a small yappy type dog in this lady’s bag, which was sitting on the floor as she stood in line. I kept trying to figure out if the dog was alive or not, but I was also trying to be subtle about it. It wasn’t (anymore). Then I realized that OF COURSE the people coming to your book-signing would bring small taxidermied dogs, it’s the most natural thing.

    The not-so-funny part was the panic attack brought on from being in a smallish place with a couple hundred people. (My friend swears there couldn’t have been more than two hundred but it was still Way Too Many). I was doing my best to ignore all of them (sitting on the front row helped), but it was probably the worst attack I’ve had in the past year. I was still jittery a couple hours after leaving the bookstore, but I count it worth it to have seen you in person.

  30. Your book made me laugh so hard that Fiance insisted on reading it over my shoulder to see what all the commotion was about. Our hearty guffaws may have made for an awkward plane ride for the rest of the passengers.

  31. SO, I am now on page 76, on the Nook, which does NOT equal page 76 in the hardback. Don’t ask, I don’t understand it either. ANYWAY I just finished acid. Not doing it, reading about it. This book is so freaking funny. I am thinking of buying a pack of Depends, just to avoid embarrassment. I read aloud to my husband on the way home and he asked me to stop. He felt a fatal accident would put a damper on the rest of the day. So I told him not to worry. I have the eBook AND the hardback (complete with autographed book plate.) He can just start reading to himself.

  32. At least it wasn’t Hemorrhoid cream. Because, I saw that happen on a cartoon once and the person’s mouth shrunk down to the size of NOTHING!!! Then it disappeared and she couldn’t eat. So, she died!!!!

    Now that I think about it, that’s kind of dark for a cartoon. Maybe it was a fucked up dream I had. DAMN!! NOW THIS SHIT IS GONNA DRIVE ME NUTS!!

    Oh… More tour dates you say?!? COME TO NJ!!! HOME OF THE WEIRD SMELL YOU CANT QUITE LOCATE!!!

  33. You signed a tongue.

    You… you signed… a TONGUE. Of a living person. Standing right there.


  34. When it’s all said and done, Madame Bloggess, I hope you get to say you had fun. Because, really, you have brought so much fun to so many people that you more than deserve to have some, too.

    May you find strength to battle the anxiety demons through your continued great and good success.

    You rock!

  35. I’ll probably be purchasing your book soon! 😀 I’m pretty excited to get it too, I know it’s going to be an amazing read!

  36. I hope one of your new dates is Baltimore! And I’m curious to know what, exactly, *womb service* actually is.

  37. That is my tongue!! XD I love that my twitter, facebook, texts and inbox just blew up with “ZMOG! Your tongue is here!!” Thanks for slapping my tongue up on this post. 🙂

    I swear you are going to start a huge taxidermy hat fashion trend. It’s going to be RAD! lol

  38. Wish you would have gotten a pic with Lisa Loeb. What a great story! I LOVED see/hearing you in Austin. Congrats on your success and the weird happenings on your tour!

  39. Oh please dear God, let a tour date be in Philly or somewhere in NJ. I missed NY because I was away! How stupid of me!! I won’t let it happen again….Even DC. Or Baltimore. I can do any of those!

  40. Your editor knows you so well!! I purposely don’t travel with small sized tubes for that reason. I might have tried to brush my teeth with hydrocortizone cream.

  41. Thanks for posting the mouse sandwich! It probably tasted suspicious because it was almond butter, not peanut butter. You know, like when you think you are going to get a sip out of a glass of water and it turns out to be vodka, it just throws you off. 🙂

  42. I am almost done with your awesome book. I’ve laughed myself to tears more than once. I also ran around a book store, putting copies of your book all over the place. Including the Bible section. I may or may not have also recommended it to a little old guy looking at bibles. He didn’t believe me when I told him it was funnier than the bible.

  43. If you come to Arizona… I don’t know what I would do besides show up to where you are and meet the hell out of you. I might get really excited and cry a little, ’cause you’re kind of like Jesus, but a lot prettier and way funnier and you buy your wine at the store instead of bothering water to be something it’s not.
    (thank you for staying)

  44. I’m so glad that things are going well for you, and I just wish that you were coming to Canada. <3

  45. Your Houston stop was awesome and you rocked it!! Congrats on being the most fabulous person I wish was one of my coffee buddies…(and I’m still shocked I was the ONLY person with an “I am Jenny Lawson”… Cause that book trailer was hysterical)…

  46. Sounds like you stayed in a fertility clinic that serves cheeseburgers, rather than an actual hotel. I’m sure it’s a mistake anyone could make when sleep deprived from book touring.
    Thoroughly enjoyed your book, wish I lived someplace close to one of your tour stops.

  47. So awesome! I hope, no, I’m sure you’re having a ton of fun between the anxiety attacks!

  48. Thank you so much for this post (and any subsequent additional details you provide…) I’ve been feeling very sorry for myself since I live in lower BFE and will never get to see you in person… My copy of your book – complete with signed book plate (I own something that you actually TOUCHED!!!) – is one of my prized posessions. Between this post and the gazillion pictures in which people have been tagging you on Facebook – I almost feel like I was there (well not really, but it will have to do…) xoxoxo

  49. I wonder how they fill the “Emotion Body Milk”? Maybe man-ually. he he he. Great timeline. I’m still holding out that D.C. will make the updated list.

  50. My 3-year-old keeps asking who wrote on my “womb”. It’s his pronunciation of “phone”. I tell him Jenny wrote her name on it. He says “it Jenny Womb?”

  51. Salt Lake City would be totally fabulous! I love the hat too.

  52. Your book makes me feel like I am not as batshit insane as I am. (severe anxiety right here) Thank you for the inspiration, the laughter and the community that your book has brought me.

    Side note: I think we should be friends. I am huge whovian and completely random. Plus, you’re awesome and I am kinda awesome.

  53. Oh how i wish you’d come to our little town of Pittsburg, Ks. We hold the record for armadillo roadkill. Well in SE kansas that is. You rock!

  54. It was fantastic! So glad I could be a part of something so crazy and amazing. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  55. I’m that “weeping guy”…and it was one of the FURIOUSLY HAPPY moments of my life. Jenny had me in stitches (thankfully, not the stuffed animal kind). Best of luck on your tour. Looking forward to more “What Will Jenny Sign Next??” photos.

  56. There is so much WTF going on here I’m not really even sure where to start. Regardless, you need a new travel agent or something. Womb service? Ewww…

  57. More tour dates?! Can I throw in a vote for DC? Or Baltimore, Philly, or Newark? I will travel–your book was hilarious and amazing and so are you! Sorry to get all fangirl, but I love your writing. 🙂

  58. Please come to Buffalo, NY! I’ll make everyone I know go to your reading! (Also, you may have heard, there’s a pretty big waterfall half an hour from here. And, casinos. And, buffalo wings.)

  59. New tour dates? New tour dates? Say MN…say MN…..say MN….!!

  60. OMG! You’re so funny and it feels like you don’t even try! What a gift – must be incredible to stand up there and have your whole audience laughing until they cry. And in today’s post, this sentence was the absolute best:

    ‘I’m pretty sure “emotion body milk” is semen. I have an entire bottle of free semen and I have no idea what to do with it.’

    I love it lol!

  61. OH. please please, a tour date in New Orleans and come to Maple St. Book Shop. Maple St. Book Shop is in an historic home with a huge bathroom. With a really big bathtub. And kick ass YA fantasy posters from the 70s all over the walls. The place is truly bizarre. In a good way. There is bar two doors down. I will go get you cocktails and you can drink them in the bathroom. Click through the pics Jenny — it is your kind of place! http://www.maplestreetbookshop.com/

  62. I am pretty sure that Clearasil tastes mintier than hemorrhoid cream which also looks like a tube of toothpaste.

  63. Ok random combination of accidental keystrokes apparently submitted my comment. Sorry, let me finish:

    BOSTON! Come to Boston. I don’t care what you’ve heard, WE’RE VERY NICE HERE. And since strangers never try to talk to you, it’s fantastic for awkward, anxiety-ridden introverts. Trust me. You want to read here:
    Though since you’re super famous and will draw huge crowds, you’ll actually be reading here:
    Which is right across the street and very awesome.
    Boston. We’re very nice once you get to know us or get us drunk. Whatever’s faster. (P. S.—It’s the drunk one.)

  64. Where is Nathan Fillion when you really need him? Oh yeah, that’s right, he’s busy being TOO FUCKING GOOD! Too good for twine, too good for collating, and clearly too good for book signings, aren’t we, Nathan Fillion?!?!
    Also, no one even knew who Nathan Fillion WAS before The Bloggess… what an ungrateful sonofatwatwaffle.

  65. “Please come to Boston in the Springtime….”

    Waiting impatiently for Mother’s Day, as your book was requested …. There will be trouble if I my family doesn’t comply….

  66. Can you just bring your roadkill hat wearing self to my house as part of your tour? We have plenty of liquor, meds if you need it (walgreen’s is next door) and a senior citizen who thinks 50 Shades of Grey is a new line from Sherwin Williams.

    Also, be careful with bottled semen. I hear that stuff is dangerous. AND moisturizing.

  67. I’m really caught up on thinking about how “Emotion” is probably the scent of the body milk. I wish my body milk came out with a fragrance. Didn’t Ross on Friends say it was like cantaloupe juice?

  68. Nathan Fillion is just jealous because you wrote a real live NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER, and his picture is just on the back of books that somebody else writes as Castle from his TV show.

  69. Awesome. Love the hat, love that you know how clearasil tastes (that’s important, ya know) and love that even after everything you still saved a seat for Nathan.

  70. You haven’t lived until you’ve had a Philly cheesesteak. Please take that into consideration when choosing your new tour dates. Also I have people who would kill to wait in line to have you sign plasticized sculptures of metal chickens.

    And by “people” I mean me.

    Please come to Philly.

  71. Yay! More tour dates!

    Also, I bought the book and read it really fast. Like, sneaking breaks at work to read it fast. Then I handed it to my husband to read. He’s reading it as I type this. He’s been trying to read it at night but he keeps waking me up because he’s laughing so hard.

    I’d blame you for my sleep deprivation, but it is totally worth it.

  72. Just for the fact that science and emotion is on the same bottle literally right after one another….think about it, heheh. It’s definitely semen.

    I love this entry.

    Please come to Tampa, or somewhere within reasonable distance. 🙂

  73. You’d think I’d learn to drink my beverages with caution, after reading your blog for going on a year now…. but seriously, that hat was SO worth me snorting my Chocolate Shop wine up my nose. I’ll probably be sneezing chocolate chips in the morning. I’d beg you to come to South Dakota, but really, its probably not much different than rural Texas, so there’s really nothing for you to see here. Its a terrible shame. Our state DOES have one Barnes’ and Noble, in Sioux Falls, though, so……. just sayin’.

  74. OMG, Jenny…I work for Barnes and Noble in Annapolis, MD, and today I got this email from the head of Author Promotions at corporate tantalizing me with the prospect of sending you to MY store. My response: I very professionally wrote back: “OHMYGODAREYOUKIDDINGME???? SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!” The immediate response was: “Okay, calm down, don’t get excited…we don’t even know if we can do it yet.”

    OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE….Jenny, if you come our way, I think the entire mid-atlantic region will trek to see you. (Right, mid-atlantic fans? Right? RIGHT????? You wouldn’t make me a liar, RIGHT???) And the day will be made of awesome and we will save a seat for Nathan Fillion and I will even provide twine.

  75. Wow I feel honored to be in the picture from Houston in which I am laughing hysterically (brunette with glasses on right) from you reading from your book! I had to tell everyone on my facebook and my husband that I made the internet! Thanks for making my night!!!

  76. Nathan Fillion seems like kind of a jackass how doesn’t he come to these events? Doesn’t he know that he’s missing out???

  77. Dude, you DRINK that “emotion body milk” – that’s pure protein, baby!

    (I love that you accused Lisa Loeb of not only being a bitch, but stealing your look. sweet.)

  78. That is some FANCY semen! Do they sell some down in the gift shop? That wouldn’t quite be like paying for sex, but like sex leftovers… do you have to report that to the people asking you all the “do you pay for sex?” questions on the blood donation questionnaire form? Like, well I don’t pay for the sex part, but the messy end result, as long as you put it in a fancy, important looking bottle, I’ll pony up for that. Why do you think I have baby soft skin? It’s all that emotion body milk.

  79. I have also noticed the similarity between toothpaste and clearasil tubes. Incidentally, I am sad to report, toothpaste does not clear up zits.

  80. You can also tell you’re in fancy hotel by the fact that everything on that bottle label is in caps. Fancy things often feel the need to scream their fanciness at people.

  81. That’s me, in the blue, next to Nathon Fillion’s seat!
    Yours was one of the best book signings I’ve ever been to, and I had seen David Sedaris the night before.
    Thanks for the laughs!

  82. Another vote for Boston. And the bookstore in Brookline is lovely.

    Boston, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!!!!

  83. I live in Orlando and would SO come to your book tour in Miami(ish). But dang (keeping it clean), I am incoming President for my Rotary Club & they are sending me to the International Convention in Bangkok. So that is my reason & sticking to it. BUT, I have your book and plan on reading it on the plane flight and annoying all of the other passengers with my snorts of laughter. I am a FAB snorter!

  84. Please please come to DC!!! I saw you in NYC but I want all my DC peeps to have the same joy I got back in April! Its probably better to bribe with stuffed creatures then to beg isn’t it? I’m not above doing both!

  85. Jenny, I enjoyed your book so much-laugh out loud funny! Seriously, I had two kids so that’s dangerous, but so worth the risk… Why aren’t you coming to MN?! My book club will get you drunk, you are our next month’s book 🙂 I have also taken to using the word ‘foxen’-as in, “We should get foxen to scare away the damn neighbors cat” … I think my husband and Victor were separated at birth because he just tried to tell me that ‘foxen’ isn’t a word, but I told him it’s written in a real book so- yeah, it fuckin’ is. Thank you for that and for being you and sharing that with us.

  86. If no one was available to answer the womb service call, do you think they would have an answering cervix?

  87. Please oh please let More Tour Dates mean somewhere in the Central Illinois Area (and Chicago is it’s own state and not near central Illinois!!! ) preferably in an adorable and cute little bookstore called Our Town Books in Jacksonville Il or that bigger store in Springfield…either way I will fight for first in line knocking down my daughter and probably mother!!

  88. My favourite photograph is the one of the people laughing, especially the guy laughing so hard he’s crying.

  89. Please, please, please, please be coming to Colorado!!!!!

  90. I am dying to make it to one of your tour dates. My god, WHAT DO I BRING TO HAVE YOU SIGN??

  91. Yea, for boobie signings!

    Please tell me your new tour dates include stops, in the Great Lakes area.

  92. One these days we will meet, then my life will complete….well, almost, Samantua foxx is still left over from my teenage list….

  93. Emotion body milk? Yes, being alive is definitely worth it! I’m glad you are alive and blogging, Jenny.

  94. Come back to New York? Or Jersey? You could stay at my house if you came to Jersey. It’s big and my landlord would… not approve. But still! That would be amazing! If you come to Jersey, I mean. Not if my landlord kicks me out for inviting hordes of people to come and stay.

    Please come to Jersey?!?

  95. PLEASE
    (preferably Little Rock. Is that too demanding? I just want to meet you and have you sign my book or my Kindle. Or my iPad. Can you sign all 3? Is that too demanding?
    Maybe I should shut up now)

  96. LOVE the picture of everyone laughing. Several of those people are laughing so hard they are crying! What an awesome moment to have captured in a photo. Can’t wait to read your book! Thank you for so much inspiration. XO

  97. Please say Edmonton! Please say Edmonton! Please say Edmonton! I await with baited breath! Keep in mind Nathon Fillion is from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. 😉 We have poutine. 😀

  98. I think maybe the Emotion Body Milk is the precursor to Womb Service.

    And I really hate “gift” as a verb.

    Excellent hat. Davy Crockett would be so jealous. Or is that Daniel Boone ?

  99. That hat will come in handy for those cold Houston winters. I’m an Austin transplant in LA and I just stumbled upon your blog. I can’t wait to read more!

  100. What?! New tour dates?? Please Kansas City, please Kansas City, please Kansas City, please Kansas City!!!

  101. If “moob” is “man boob”, I have a new word to use when I go to work tomorrow. It’s right up there with “cankles”.

  102. I accidentally used oily hair smoothing serum for face moisturizer once.

    I imagine our experiences and reactions were quite similar…

  103. Setting up an email account is quick to do, with many different email providers to choose from..Thanks for a great sharing..

  104. Girrrrrl, those new tour locations better include San Diego. It’s America’s Finest City. I couldn’t make it to L.A., I really think you need to accommodate me! Also, you know with your book doing so well it’s going to be made into a movie. Who will play you? For some reason I’m thinking Maggie Gyllenhal.

  105. When your done touring US could you please come to Australia. I want to be one of those people in the photo crying laughing.

  106. It’s fine. I’m sorry. I’m going through these extreme mood swings from coming off Lexapro. I did email you photos. But whatever. I’m just crying right now. Sorry…

  107. And men thought they were donating to fertility clinics seems that most of their arm work went to fancy smancy hotels.

  108. I think I’m officially jealous. *thinking on it* Either that or I have gas. Difficult to say.

  109. Love the hat! I told my little sister that Stephenie Meyer showed up for one of your signings. She didn’t believe me. Not even after I showed her the picture.

  110. You should come to Australia. You can stay at my place if you want. There’s no womb service and you’d have to sleep in the attic but at least the place is zombie-proof.

  111. I saw the clearasil thing and my first thought was “I wonder if that tastes better than or worse that eyelash glue….?”

  112. That is amazing. So glad you are enjoying your success. You deserve it. Now is the only time that I wish I still lived in Texas! LOL

  113. you seriously make getting up in the morning WORTH it when you write like you do. HELLO! Better than my cup of coffee. Well, almost.

  114. Love your blog, loved your book, please, please, please come to Boston so you can sign my kindle!!!!!

  115. Charlotte, NC would be a great place to visit on your book tour.

  116. Man, that is a tremendous chapeau. It almost looks like a high-fashion Russian hat, you know the one with the built-in earmuffs. Roadkill hats will be all the rage now.

  117. It’s funny-curious that you should be wearing that hat in today’s post. Just last evening I was thinking how I’m exactly like Davy Crockett, if Davy Crockett were born & raised in suburbia and he kilt him a wasp when he was middle-aged. And also if he were a woman and didn’t wear a coonskin hat.

  118. Okay, so I know I’ve been kind of stalking you to try to get you to come to Minneapolis, and I know you haven’t noticed because it turns out that I am THE WORST STALKER EVER in that I am kind of shy and don’t want to impose or anything, but I really really really want you to come to Minneapolis, and to make it worth your while I volunteer my house for a smaller gathering that could be a fundraiser for a Good Cause of Your Choice and even asking is kind of a Red Dress Moment for me, so this is good, right?

    Please come to Minneapolis. We can save a seat for Nathan Fillion.

  119. Isn’t “Emotion Body Milk” 1% code for what the rest of us classless individuals refer to as “lube?”

  120. I hope you have a reserved seat for Nathan at each of your book signings. It is awesome and kooky all at the same time!

  121. Congrats on making #2 on the best seller list!!!

    nice hat 🙂

  122. I want to apologize for the bottle of semen. Its seemed like a good idea at the time.

  123. I found you from the other “Jen” at PIWTPITT – and I am SO THANKFUL!!! YOU ARE HILARIOUS….I bought your book immediately – and while I wait for its arrival, I’ve been reading a month a day from your archives and it really is like getting a Christmas present every morning. Sorta like Chanukah but for reading…….wait, did I just compare you to a religious holiday ????? WAIT – YOU ARE a holiday!!!!!! I hope and pray that you announce east coast dates because I cant WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  124. Please come to Cleveland. They have a river that caught on fire and everything. Makes you want to come, huh, huh? 🙂

  125. One time when I was really drunk I brushed my teeth with a tiny travel tube of Preparation H. No one could help me because they were laughing too hard. I feel better knowing someone has shared my pain.

    Plus side: mouth hemorrhoids are GONE!

  126. What kind of flippin’ hotel was that? One with a sense of humor? You just made me snort with your comment about Emotion Body Milk.

  127. NEW TOUR DATES?? Did I read that correctly? Does this mean… Tampa or Orlando on the way back from (all the way down in Miami? ) We might not have as many gators( OK, we do , but they have way more pythons on the loose ) but we’re still made of awesome.

  128. Please please PLEEEEEASE come to my little rinky dink town!!? Binghamton, NY NEEDS YOU!!!!! At least consider it. 😀 Pretty please!!! I’ll make cookies! Hehehe

  129. Dear gods & goddesses, please come to Indianapolis. We have LOTS of dead things for you to buy and/or wear!

  130. please, please, please come to Raleigh, NC! we have wonderful little independent bookstores and I have a backstock of anxiety meds and a good-sized bathroom 🙂

  131. Thank you so much for the daily dose of humanity. My boss is the ultimate dick-head, but thanks to you I have been able to start my day with a laugh and not contemplate 999 ways to get rid of him without leaving any evidence behind. Please keep writing.

  132. I’m not smart enough to stay at hotels that get all fancy with their toiletries. Give me a Hampton Inn any day over trying to figure out what Womb Service is.

  133. You’ll sign anything. I accept that challenge! As soon as I think of something ingenious for you to sign. That’s relatively PG 13.

  134. What else can you expect from a hotel that offers you free semen? Did they also offer pap smears and hookers? Not together of course. That would be horrific. “Would you like to give a pap smear to this hooker over here?” “Um… how do I put this delicatly… HELL NO?” Just imagine that activity. People’s heads would explode. Or like, a baby alien would come crawling out. *shudder*

    -The End.

  135. Damn, just got your book yesterday in the mail. I am reading it outloud to my partner Andrew. In the next addition you may want to add a warning that adult diapers should be worn by those of us with weaker bladders.

  136. Good job schooling Lisa Loeb you should go after Tina Fey next I think she stole your look too. 🙂 My glasses make me look like the fashion designer from The Incredibles so I think you are coming out ahead there. Love you, Lotta..

  137. I’ve been reading your book and I kind of love it. I feel like I know you so well now. Because of this, I can confidently say that, yes, the roadkill hat was probably the right choice.

    Also? You could always stick the “emotion body milk” up a cow’s vagina. (Guess what I just reaaaaad?!? :D)

  138. Ps. I have a bottle of that lotion but I bottled it myself because I am super organic and won’t use mass produced sperm. Canning season around here is exhausting. And dehydrating.

  139. Last Christmas my friend Adrienne (who also, fabulous lady that she is, introduced me to your blog) brought into my life my very own metal chicken. His name is Ke$ha and he plays a yellow fiddle. By joining my household, he fulfilled his lifelong dream of being the weird thing on the front stoop that visitors ask about. Now the only thing left on his bucket list (I tried explaining to him that metal chickens are immortal, and therefore have no need of a bucket list, but he insisted he has one. And really, if he wants a bucket list, who am I to deny him? Nobody, that’s who) is to be autographed by the fantastic lady who’s blog was the inspiration that led him to his new home (you). Unfortunately, he cannot fly, as his metal wings are both too heavy and preoccupied with fiddle holding. He humbly requests that you visit him on the second leg of your tour. Just pick a local bookstore and we’ll make the rest of the journey. He lives in Philadelphia with me, my copy of your book, and all of my turtles, including a ceramic penis turtle. Also we have cheesesteaks. And Wawa, which is like 7-Eleven if 7-Eleven were awesome and not vaguely sad. You’ll enjoy it. Please come.

  140. How excited am I that you’re coming to MY TOWN? Gaithersburg MD! And you are probably like, where the F is that? It’s not far from DC. Probably with in the evacuation radius if they ever nuke the White House. We will be at the Book Festival to welcome you!!

  141. The roadkill hat is perfect.
    Please tell us that “womb service” is actually some fancy pre-natal “mommy spa package” rather than a stud service… at that price, it better come with a foot rub. Oh dear. Maybe the stud service is how they get the semen lotion. I must know the name of that hotel.

  142. I am SO jealous of everyone in that picture laughing. How could you not come to Chicago!!!
    And the toothpaste/clearsil picture is the funniest things I have ever seen.

  143. Womb service AND bottled semen. I am NOT staying at that hotel. 49 is too old to start with the babies.

    Also, just finished your book, loved it, thank you!!!

  144. It was good. Thanks again for coming to Houston!

    [Hoping you’re alright after the last post.]

  145. Just finished your book this morning and I absolutely LOVED IT. I’m sure you’re hearing that all the time, but I laughed out loud in PUBLIC several times, and then I cried a little bit when you talked about hearing your daughter’s cry at her birth. SUCH a good book!!!! Congratulations on your success!

  146. Two lessons learned today while looking for Jenny’s book at maze of bookstore:

    1. Little kids don’t like it when you finally find said book and screech “FUCKIN’A, DEAD MOUSE, YEESSSSSSSS’

    2. Parents like it even less when you try to explain excitement of finding book by trying to explain it whilst(score 2 points for using fancy word) uttering a paragraph containing labia, dead pug and cat rapist.

  147. Please come to Las Vegas! I can’t guarantee anyone else will be there, but _I_ will and that’s all that matters. Or you could come to my house LOL 🙂

    Congrats on your emotion body milk semen score.

  148. I wasn’t sure if you were serious about signing boobs, but appreciate how nice you were about signing mine. When I got home and had my housemate take a picture he was appalled that I had even ASKED you to sign my boobs.

    Of course, earlier in the evening I got a text from him (his name, by the way, is NOT Victor) that read:
    “Please don’t get arrested tonight. You have the car and I can’t come and get you”
    My response:
    “What exactly is it that you think I’m going to be doing here tonight, Victor?”
    (because his text sounded to me like the sort of thing Victor would say to you… this has actually prompted many discussions in our household for the last week wherein he will call me Jenny (not my name) and I will call him Victor and then we laugh… and I imagine, just for a moment, that I am remotely as awesome as you)

  149. You are my hero(ine)! Please come to Columbia, SC. There’s a lot of bizarro here. And dead animals. And fans that love you!

  150. YAY New dates!!! PLEASE tell me your gonna come to Arizona!?! Please please please!! 😀

  151. When your publisher tells you that an unseemly number of books are being shipped to the remote, yet charming city of Kalamazoo – you can tell her that some crazy ass fan of yours has held her friends and family emotionally hostage. Until they buy and order your book, I’m on a hunger strike. And by “hunger strike” I mean I am flooding them with emails, texts and Facebook posts that they must own and read this book – while enjoying a sugary donut. But they don’t need to know that. Here’s hoping this spike in sales results in a book signing in my living room.

  152. I’m bored. Let’s trade lives. Only I have to warn you I have as well so you’ll be getting screwed there. Oh and I also have a ton of LIVE animals, so you’ll have to feed them which I don’t know if you’re used to. Then again, you should be. I read the book Jenny. I know…. I KNOW!
    Actually I’ve changed my mind. I like you too much to do that too you.
    The Bipolar Ninja

  153. I don’t think I have ever commented on here, but I wanted to tell you just how much I love your site! I love the humor, the strange humor, but most of all I love the fact that you make depression a real thing, not something that just happens to crazy people. I have chronic depression, and it’s always been hard to explain to people. I have always felt broken and weird and abnormal and like I was not good enough to be around “normal” people. Your video yesterday made me cry, mostly because you were able to put into words why having depression is not always a bad thing. I just wanted to let you know how amazing you are, and I so wish I was back living in Texas so we could be BFF’s LOL. Keep on doing what you are doing because you site some days is the only bright spot in my life! Beyonce Rules!!

  154. OMGNEWTOURDATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE COME TO OKLAHOMA!!! We’re just a hop, skip and a river away!

  155. Oh, and could you please please come to Louisville, or at least close enough so that I can drive to see you?

  156. I love the hat!!!!! Last night I went to a “ladies night” at a gun range. My favorite part, besides killing the super pink ninja that was our target because apparently even at a gun range if you have a vagina you MUST have all things pink about you, was when I was about to leave I saw HIM. I’ve decided to call him Mortimer and next time I’m there I’m going to ask if I can buy him. He’s an alligator, stuffed, and wearing a kick-ass combat outfit but grinning like he’s up to no good. We had a moment, but I let him stay there with the guns because I’m already in the doghouse for an impulse buy of a giant ugly yellow chair off of craigslist that is STILL in my van because my husband refuses to let me bring it in the house. I told him I was going to recover it and make it beautiful and then he tried to tell me I had no idea how to do that. But I have a glue gun and spray paint….you can’t stop my craftiness.

    Oh and how do you know that those two things don’t taste alike?

  157. Please come to upstate NY!!!!! Oh, and I can’t read your book at the Gym anymore. The random shouts of laughter scares the other people and I almost fell off the stationary bike into another rider……

  158. Some of the people in the final picture appear to be crying with laughter – what an amazing gift you share with your readers.

  159. Oh, joy! I love the hat, the schnitzel sandwich, the pure emotion body milk, and, um, Womb Service. It sounds like you are having a wonderful time. Moob, eh?

  160. I would like to say thank you for putting my boob on the internet in a totally legitimate not porn way. I need to stop telling/showing my coworkers, though.

    I’m glad you came to Houston. 🙂 thank you.

  161. DC! DC! DC! I am am hour away, but I will WALK in to see you if that’s what it takes to get you to come here! DC! DC! DC! Everybody, now: DC! DC! DC!

  162. I am so proud of you! But seeing you wear that raccoon on your head made me all itchy. I KNOW it has to have lice! EWWWW

  163. PLEASE make my day and tell me that one of the additional tour dates is Seattle!

  164. Only you could pull off that roadkill look Jenny. I’m getting your book for Mother’s Day and I can’t wait.

  165. Hopefully NaterTater will make it to an upcoming reading during your next series of tour dates. Did you pack twine with you, just in case? Or a spatula? Then again, it would be completely awesome if you could find a taxidermy form wrapped in twine holding a spatula and have him hold that.

    Anyway, congrats on the amazing book tour, I hope many more dates follow and that you sell so many copies that Amazon runs out of stock (can Amazon run out of stock?).

  166. Saw you in Houston!!!! Love you and your book. Had to share a short story. My 70ish year old mom just came to Houston for a visit. She saw your book on the counter and after reading the first page, asked if she could borrow it. Late that night I wake up and walk out to the dining room to track down a strange noise. After about a minute, I hear it again….it’s my mom, in the guest room upstairs…..giggling uncontrollably like a kid!!!! She finished the book in the wee hours of the morning and has asked me to bookmark your blog on her computer.

    Glad mom and I could bond over The Bloggess!!!!

  167. I was so disappointed that I was out of town when you came to San Francisco. I bought the book and would have to put it down when I was riding the train to work because I would laugh so hard I would cry. Love you and I’m so thankful to read about you and your life. Plus, I could totally relate to the bread wrapper shoes. My parents did that to my sister and I when it snowed also.

  168. Love love love your book. Being from Texas myself (Amarillo to be exact) and born in the 70’s…..I can relate on so many twisted levels and I nearly pissed myself from laughter. Thank you!

  169. You have outdone yourself with this post. I love it!!! To your continued success. And, thank you for making me laugh out loud at least once today.

  170. I spit my coffee out when I read emotion body milk is semen. I love it! Did you try out the “lotion” or did the whole thing just make you uncomfortable?

  171. The pain specialist who cares for me has declared May Women’s Pelvic Alignment Awareness Month. She says that most women have a misaligned pelvis, esp. women who have had children. If the pelvis is out of place, everything else in the body is out of place.

  172. A friend of mine just sent me the following email:
    “The pain specialist who cares for me has declared May Women’s Pelvic Alignment Awareness Month. She says that most women have a misaligned pelvis, esp. women who have had children. If the pelvis is out of place, everything else in the body is out of place.”
    While I take Pelvic Alignment as seriously as the next person, I felt this was something you would appreciate knowing about, and possibly celebrating. Not that I think you would ever make fun of Pelvic Alignment. Never. Nonetheless, when I read this email, I thought of you…I have no idea why.
    Thanks for your book and blog. I love finding other women who are crazy is a way I can relate to, as opposed to a way that makes me want to injure them.
    Anyway, I’m 56 and I think Pelvic Alignment sounds a bit too painful for me, but you’re young…you still have hope! I generally make a rule not to “celebrate” anything with the word “alignment” in it, but that’s just me.

  173. NEW TOUR DATES?! I hope one includes my living room. I can provide dead frogs, if that’s what you’re into these days.

  174. Yay! New tour dates! I can hope and dream that one of those dates will be near Baltimore, MD. We would love to come and get our audiobook signed.

  175. Oooh, pretty please come to Kansas City!! I will feed you all the bbq you can eat followed by tasty local microbrew beers. (This *is* the midwest, there’s not a whole lot to offer). 🙂 I will also bring hoardes (sp?) of my friends/ your faithful followers to come and see you. What else can your cult do for you? 😉

  176. Every tour should have a seat reserved for Nathan Fillion. I’m just saying. I have a spot saved for him at our dinner table. It’s the least he (and I) deserve, yeah?

  177. I think Emotion Body Milk is what the Skeksies were trying to extract from the Gelflings.

  178. I second Edmonton Alberta, Canada. Even Calgary would be okay, but Edmonton is closer. I would so pay to go and see you live. And get things signed.

  179. I see your mouse tupper cake and raise you the moodiest birthday cake ever (see link) if you are nice to me I might be able to get you something like that

  180. Can you come to Hawaii? Not Honolulu, where everyone goes, but to Kona. We will treat you with aloha and maybe even find you a stuffed mongoose dressed in a muumuu.

  181. omg, I LOVE you.
    i’m reading your book now and I thought I couldn’t puffy heart you more.


    I do.

  182. if you tell me you are coming to maryland? I think I will just cry. Specifically baltimore. Or Dc. Or Rockville. Shoo, if you come to rockville? I think I’ll have kittens. Wouldnt that be an interesting sight?

  183. Please, pretty please, come to Albany, NY. Or Saratoga Springs, NY, during track season. You’d love it. I think. 🙂

  184. Dear god,
    Please make Jenny come to my house.
    In lieu of that, please make her book required reading for everyone.
    Thank you for letting me use “in lieu”.
    You should give her a job in HR, in heaven.

  185. I hope your new tour dates include the midwest ie. Minneapolis! I will call in sick to work and everything. I tried to ration your book so I wouldn’t finish it all in one day. I was proud of myself because I spread it out over two days. Now I am finished with it and am dying to see you in person. Thank you for writing (and touring)!

  186. When I saw the tweet about the clearsil and toothpaste it reminded me of one morning when my roadie called me from some hotel somewhere in the lower 48 and said,

    “Next time you pack my toiletries bag will you make sure that the icy hot is in a different container?”
    “yes dear why”
    “well it doesn’t work nearly as well as blue star ointment”
    “OMG are your balls still intact”
    “yes, but it was a close call”

  187. I was *super* hoping my Xanax confetti had made a bigger impact so I could quit my job and go into the “drug confetti for fun” business. It turns out that although I did not notice her, that Stephanie Meyer was right in front of me getting her book signed, and my Xanax confetti was unable to make a bigger impact. Your book was FANTASTIC and I will try to make something more exciting for the next book tour like a Xanax pinata where real Xanax falls out……that would be much better anyway, right? xo-C

  188. Your editor is the best editor IN THE GALEXY! Where does she find such magnificent head wear! I want!
    Also… emotion body milk is just…creepy. *it rubs the lotion on its skin* creepy.



  190. I’m so incredibly sorry for the comments I left last night! I was blocked by my Twitter crush and was so deeply hurt I feel apart. I’m off my meds and it’s messing up my head. I love you forever, please forgive me. XOXOXOXOXO

    I know you understand my crazy, Jenny, and that’s why you are so amazing.

  191. Audio please. I own a hardcover! (why the different covers? is the UK more whimsical then us?)

  192. You should send the bottle of emotion body milk to a lesbian trying to conceive. That shit is expensive at the fertility clinic.

  193. Jenny. Could you please please please please have another tour somewhere close to Austin? I live like an hour away from there and am about to be back in TX for summer and REALLY want to come see you (I would have already but I go to school in NE). Also I use 2 spaces between by sentences when I type, which totally came from you and because of that I need to come see you.

  194. I usually read in bed before I turn in, but my husband has banned your book from my bedtime selection because I can’t help the involuntary laughing outbursts that escape my body while he’s trying to sleep. Loving the book!

  195. Your book came in the mail today (it arrived that is).
    No Chicago dates on the tour?

  196. Audio version, because I need an excuse to laugh hysterically while driving!

    You still haven’t answered my question about where on my iPad should I place the bookplate? See, I have a bumpy cover on it, so the only flat surface is the screen, but then I couldn’t read the rest of the book (I’m up to you and Victor and your lovely apartment). I could put it on the back of the iPad itself, but then I wouldn’t actually see it, nor would I impress anyone with the fact that you actually signed my eBook copy of the book.

    Oh, and if you’re taking requests for book tour locations, Central Florida to Jacksonville is good. If you’re doing any dates in DC, somewhere around June 10th would be nice, since I’ll be there to see my favorite band’s first concert in the US in twelve years. 🙂

  197. You know those people who are socially awkward in person but all clever online?

    That’s not me, evidently.

    So I’ll just say: AUDIOBOOK! And: thank you for being you. Seriously.

  198. I couldn’t help but laugh and think of your HR chapter when my most recent online job application included a required section for a short poem about my most recent employment. You KNOW those bitches are using them for drinking games.

  199. Jenny, that hat is DA BOMB and totally you. Now you just need some cute mouse head dangly earrings to complete the look. BTWY, I just finished your book and LOVED it. Total awesomeness!

  200. Love you, love the book, love that you signed my So Cal Lady Blogsister Leila’s tongue.

    And THANK you for being so open and honest about your struggles with depression and other mental disorders. Sharing your video clip with my readers, today.

  201. Clearasil is not the worst thing you can mistake toothpaste for.
    Don’t ask me how I know.

  202. Oh and about the free semen… I have heard that it whitens your teeth, so you could always swish it 🙂

  203. I personally think you should come back to Los Angeles. I am pretty sure there are a few million people who agree with me. Please?

  204. I see your tube of Clearasil and raise you a tube or cortisone cream AND a tube lipgloss. Yup, Ive done this twice. What can I say, I used to work shifts and used to be half asleep during my morning beauty routine which generally did wonders for my ability to put eyeliner on straight.

  205. One Word: Atlanta. Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta Atlanta. Ok, that was one word with emphasis added.


    But not May 23 – 28 cause I’ll be out of town. Thanks, you’re the best! And I laughed out loud at my step-daughter’s 7th grade band concert because I was reading about lightning bolts and lazy gynecologists and any residual trauma she suffered is totally your fault. But 7th grade band concerts are a special circle of hell you just haven’t gotten to yet. Not to say she isn’t a freaking awesome bassoon player and all.

  206. I’ve decided that at our next Passover Seder we will leave two empty chairs-one for Elijah and one for Nathan Fillion. We’ll see who shows up first.

  207. I’m sure 4 bazillion people have told you this recently but I’m going to tell you as well! Besides being the best writer to ever live you are so pretty! A girl can never hear that too many times right?! I hope you’re having the time of your life, you totally deserve it girl!

    Hugs and kisses from Denver!!

  208. If I were doing a reading, I too would reserve a seat for Nathan Fillion.

  209. Why is bread and fruit rollup Hamlet von Schnitzel’s banner across his little mousey privates like a Vanity Fair Fashion Don’t? Let your freak flag fly, Hamlet, and bare those giblets!

  210. Like you and knowing that Clearasil doesn’t taste like toothpaste, I know that eyeglass cleaner doesn’t hold the hairdo very well. At least I didn’t douse my glasses with hairspray.

  211. What’s a road trip without a hat made of road kill and a bottle of seamen to take home? I mean really, these are just basics 😉

  212. Did I just manage to misspell semen? I blame the navy and inappropriate navy jokes. What’s long and hard and full of seamen? A submarine you pervert.

    And to make this relevant, one time I almost brushed my teeth with some *khem* feminine itch relief cream. True story.

  213. Was browsing in the book store this afternoon looking for my next good read when I came upon your book. After reading the jacket I thought, this lady and I seem to have a lot in common. My dad did taxidermy and the freezer had creature parts (mostly heads) in it all the time.

    I dealt with depression when I was younger as well. Thankfully, that chapter of my life is past. I’m pushing senior status.

    Can’t wait to start your book. Good luck with the tour. Didn’t know about your blog, but I intend to visit it regularly from now on. Cheers!

  214. If my friend doesn’t make it down for “wine in the woods” in Columbia, MD, I am so there. FYI, I loved the book so much I sent it as a bday present to my sister (both of us are bipolar)

  215. So I just wanted to tell you, I hosted a bachelorette party last night. And you came up in conversation. And we have determined we should send you a ferret wearing clothes. So if any of the nine of us manage to locate that, and you find one in your mailbox, it’s from Rhode Island. Please don’t have us arrested.

  216. Read about you in the O magazine, would love to get my hands on the book. I’m from Trinidad, West Indies

  217. How much money would I have to pay you to get you to come to Idaho (the Boise area) and do a book signing??????

    Nathan Fillion didn’t show, huh? That bastard!

    LOVE the hat! LOVE IT!

  218. When are you coming to Buffalo? I will make you a Boboli pizza if you are hungry. Your womb however is on it’s own. We also don’t provide bottled semen, but I could probably get fresh if it’s a deal breaker.

  219. I want the version of you coming to my house and acting it out in an interpretive dance.

  220. I think that you should contact Stephen Colbert about adding Angelo Caroli’s nicely packaged semen to his Stephen Colbert line. And then you can wear your raccoon hat on the show. I think that he might be scared,mthough, because the raccoon looks really pretty pissed off and like he might launch himself off your head at any moment.
    if I am lucky enough to be picked, I want the print version– thanks!


  221. Semen lotion? AHAHAHAHAHA.

    (But really, I shouldn’t laugh, because a few years ago I was dumb and vain enough to purchase an expensive bottle of skin cream designed to eliminate wrinkles, that was formulated by local a dermatologist. I found out a couple of months later it was made of human foreskin. I believe any benefits to my skin may have been removed by the Comet facial scrub I subsequently performed after I came home…)

  222. You rock my socks.

    My husband and I were supplied with “body milk” at the fancy hotel we stayed at on our honeymoon. My husband said there was no way he was rubbing a full-on bukkaki barage on himself.

    Since it appears that “body milk” only comes (heh…) from fancy hotels, does this mean that rich people like to rub semen on their face…?

  223. just met you today: i am not a blogger. apologizes up front. had no idea curlers were your look. my mom used to wear them. i’ll tell her to stop too.

  224. I friggin love that I googled 6 girlfriends and a bottle of wine (looking for a fun pic to drop in my blog post) and this pic of you with the raccoon on your head popped up! Awesome

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