I dub thee Jefferson Peabody, the easily excited.

Today Victor and I went thrift shopping for weird shit.  Or at least, I did.  Victor went to make sure I didn’t come home with the head of a chupacabra, which was an actual possibility this trip.

No shit, y'all. This is real.

I even went on twitter to see if anyone could identify it, but the closest guess was my friend Sara who posited that it was a reverse Mr. Tumnus.   (It would explain why only the head was mounted.)

Then we found a duck that really wanted to hug you.

Assaulting duck says: "HUG IT OUT, BITCHES."

We didn’t buy either of them though because they were expensive and I’m running out of room, and because I found something else that made my heart stop.

me: AAAAAAH!

Victor: AAAAAAH!

me: Right?

Victor: You were yelling with excitement. I was yelling with horror. Just...no. No, no, no.

me: WHAT -ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It’s an ancient, screaming, dead baby alligator.

Victor: Yes. Exactly.

me: AND IT’S ONLY TWELVE DOLLARS.

Victor: Motherfucking bargain hunter.

me:  It’s like someone found the best fucked up taxidermy ever and decided to charge by the inch rather than by the awesome.

Victor:  “By the awesome” isn’t a term of measurement.

me:  It’s metric.

Victor:  Please don’t buy that.

me:  It’s like he’s screaming about himself.  Like he can’t even believe how amazing he is.  AND I CAN’T EITHER.

You can't argue with him.

me:  Frankly, we should all be so lucky as to have the confidence of Jefferson Peabody.

Victor:  You already named him?

me:  Sometimes they name themselves.  HE’S TRYING TO RAISE THE ROOF WITH HIS LITTLE ALLIGATOR HANDS.

Victor:  Fine.  But I don’t know where you’re going to put him.  You’re running out of room for old dead animals.

me:  No worries.  I have the perfect place.

Jefferson Peabody feels your pain and/or hysteria.

PS.  Yes, of course there’s a greeting card.

 

361 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Oh he is awesome. None of the thrift shops I visit ever have tiny taxidermied alligators. Maybe it’s where I live.

    Veronica recently posted 34 weeks, or 37 weeks?.

  2. That chupacabra needs to hang above your guest bathroom toilet and given the name “poopacabra”

  3. He’s FAB-U-LOUS!!!

    JRose recently posted Rush's Bain Conspiracy Goes Deeper!.

  4. I can’t wait to see the book your daughter writes about having you for a mom. It’ll be awesome. JUST LIKE YOU.

    Katy recently posted in which I rant about teenagers and the downfall of society.

  5. My self-esteem is boosted just LOOKING at him. I think he’s magical.

    Banana Stickers recently posted Motherfucking Snickerdoodles.

  6. I even want that alligator, lol.

    Mary recently posted Fashion Review: Dominate Him in Pinstripes.

  7. I. am. speechless. What a freaking bargain. Seriously.

  8. Excellent.

    Stephen Battey recently posted Growing Up, Gay: Coming Out.

  9. I kinda heart you right now.

    Real hard.

    Danielle St. John recently posted On Passive-Aggressive Knuckleheads, Or Grow Up, People!.

  10. 10
    Elizabeth M.

    Holy crap, I just almost peed my couch from laughing so hard. You almost owe me a couch, Jenny.

    Also, Jefferson is obviously Juanita’s soul mate.

  11. I feel like a part of my soul has been hijacked by him. I’ll never be able to eat a souffle without feeling guilty again. Thanks, Jeff.

    Kat recently posted This Picture Speaks for Itself.

  12. An empathetic alligator. What a find. Everyone should be so lucky.

    Andrea Mulder-Slater recently posted Another reason to keep my mouth shut.

  13. I lol’ed so, so hard. That picture of him with Juanita is the greatest picture ever.

  14. I love you, Jenny. Never change.

    Meg (@LadyMegSoprano) recently posted The Week That Was.

  15. 16
    Kathryn Franks aka @Thrushiebaby

    You always need a friend to echo your pain!!!!!

  16. for all the years I’ve resisted visiting friends that have moved to TX… now I;m starting to think I may have to…I never find cool stuff like that in baltimore.

  17. It’s like he’s looking up at a dead pony.

    Amy recently posted Even pigs need BFF’s.

  18. I think you need about ten more screaming dead animals to truly illustrate the tragedy that is a ruined souffle. Victor’s just going to have to deal.

    Jillian recently posted Flesh-Eating Monsters and the Destruction of Private Property AKA My First Babysitting Job.

  19. Comment #2 FOR THE MOTHER-EFFING WIN!!!

    Meg (@LadyMegSoprano) recently posted The Week That Was.

  20. It’s like he’s saying “I love you” and “I’m going to eat you” at the same time.

    Kari recently posted When all else fails, talk about food.

  21. I think he was a televangelist in his former life. “Say yayesss!”

    TexasTrailerParkTrash recently posted Louie Gohmert: Texas’ Biggest Asshat.

  22. fucking awesome!

  23. I think we may have to use these greeting cards as Thank You cards for our wedding…

  24. I don’t know why my husband never laughs as hard as I do when reading your posts, but he does wish to offer Victor asylum.

  25. My favorite is that Jefferson’s eyes are juuuuust a wee bit too big for his little body. CreeEEEEeeepy…

    Jason Black recently posted The three worst words in fiction.

  26. Oh my gosh, I am having a coughing fit from laughing. Him and Juanita PERFECT!!!

  27. Jefferson Peabody is indeed awesome. Think of the hijinks that will ensue!

    However, I love love LOVE the fact that duck is hung just above a picture of crucified Jesus…. I see the resemblance a little… Is Jesus-duck still for sale?

    Brandon, The Ho from Idaho recently posted Playboy Has Mastered The Art of Buying Low-Stock Celebrities.

  28. 1.Clearly, thrift stores in Texas are superior to those found here in Pennsylvania.
    2. I’m with Chris Illuminati, get the chupacabra, put it in the bathroom, and name it the Poopacabra. Because, um, amazing.
    3. That Alligator looks like an Opera Singer.

    Love this post. Made my entire day better.

  29. YES! LOLOLOL

  30. I.LOVE.IT!!!! There is no way that you couldn’t have bought him. And $12 at that. What a steal;)

    Katie@somewhatsanemom recently posted Today..

  31. You people in TX have EVERYTHING! I can’t believe Victor let you go INTO a taxidermy shop, what with your history and all … Will you make him a frock?

    leslie recently posted Rayful Wishes.

  32. RUINED!! ahahahahahaha… hahaha

  33. Just when I thought Juanita couldn’t become any more amazing.

    Allyn recently posted Foodie Friday: Meal Plan.

  34. Thank goodness you put in the lick for the greeting card!!

    Alicea recently posted Neil Gaiman, my hero.

  35. I am speechless with jealousy!

    Alicia recently posted One Year.

  36. I don’t know what’s funnier… this post or comment #2. Way to wake me up at 2am. Well played, Jefferson Peabody, well played.

    Dana and the Namaste Dogs recently posted A Mobility Harness for Journey.

  37. You really can’t argue with that logic. When he says he’s fantastic, you just have to nod and say yes, sir, you are.

  38. If only there were about nine more of him, you could have your own tiny alligator can-can line! Clearly, you need to look harder (and find a freakishly skilled seamstress that specializes in atomic-particle-sized sequins).

    Ellie Di recently posted The Tony Stark Guide to Being Yourself.

  39. Hahahaha. Omgoodness. I laughed so hard I scared my sleeping cat and she fell of the couch.

  40. Sweet jesus on a Ritz why can’t I find anything that amazing in thrift stores in CT or Cape Cod? Seriously. Victor doesn’t get it. Jefferson Peabody is amazing. And probably a hero. How could Victor say no to bringing home some sort of hero? It seems sort of un-American Victor. Just saying.

  41. As soon as I saw him I pictured that old WB frog, Michigan J. Frog (yes I looked up his name), that used to sing with the top hat and cane, “Hello my baby, Hello my honey, Hello my ragtime gal…” I love your taxidermy collection…
    STUPENDOUSLY SUPERBLY AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Melodie recently posted OMG Wal-Mart!!!.

  42. You made me laugh so hard I can’t even be jealous.

    EmSpeaks recently posted Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Empty Cat Collar.

  43. Jefferson Peabody is totally an old-time southern preacher whipping the congregation into a frenzy of fire & brimstone; part James Brown, part the preacher dad from Footloose, part old-time carnival barker.

    carol anne recently posted The Dark Knight Rises: A Mini Review.

  44. That! Is! Fucking! Awesome!!!

    Jae recently posted Walk a Mile in My Shoes.

  45. YAY YAY YAY YAY!!! I laugh like crazy whenever you find something as wonderful as this, so I hope you never run out of room (or Victor out of patience!).

  46. Please, please PLEASE tell me that’s going on an apron!! I really wanted the Juanita apron, but now this has totally surpassed that. And tell Victor that awesome is SO a measurement. There’s awesome, awesomer, awesomest and awesome sauce!

    Just for you: http://www.zazzle.com/juanita_apron-154455162675210066?rf=238233029691800410 ~ Jenny

  47. Aaaaaaaaaaah!

    I love this little guy. Tell Victor he is blind to the awesomeness of Mr. Peabody. I think you need to get Victor some Adorable Glasses. They’re like rose colored glasses, but better.

  48. I think he needs a Fez.

  49. I just forced my husband to read this post… I shouted at him, “You’re scrolling too fast!” “FOCUS!!”… just couldn’t see him going through life without awesome dose of Jenny Lawson. He walked away smiling; his day is better for it.

    Lillian recently posted Sorry... but I'm gonna have to title this: Why Me.

  50. LOVE IT!!

    Sandy recently posted Comment on Jewelry by Sandy.

  51. totally freakin awesome!

    Kirsten recently posted Turtles Cause Sinkholes.

  52. Awww he’s adorable!!

    Sarah B. recently posted Sign of the Times.

  53. OMG you have me laughing around my exes friends! you officially OWN my humor

  54. Jefferson Peabody is freakin awesome! He is totally Juanita’s soulmate!

    Karen recently posted Cancer...you can kiss my ass! Fuck off!.

  55. I believe the first goat-looking thing could be a Himalayan Tahr…google it.

  56. I love you. With all my heart and some other stuff too.

  57. It’s like Jefferson Peabody has known me my whole life and can hear exactly what I want to say to mot people most of the time but don’t! I love him! I love you for sharing his awesomeness with all of us! You are amazing, as always! Victor is such a lucky man!

  58. Put Jefferson Peabody in an itty bitty church and title it “Hallelujah!”. I’m telling you, that little alligator’s been moved by the spirit.

    Also? If you hang that thing over your toilet, I swear I will never, ever use the bathroom in your house. You’ll find me outside in the bushes. Which will thrill Quiet Asian Guy, no doubt.

  59. After reading your Tweet, I was wondering what you would be posting. I can say, nice work. Fricken nasty, and awesome.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Not Sweating the Small Stuff.

  60. After reading this post, I came across this. It made me laugh and think of you.
    http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=495246284

    Stef recently posted Life lately......

  61. I love it!! LOL!

    Devon recently posted Fire In Ice by Devon Stewart.

  62. I have been in a million thrift stores in my life, and I have never seen a taxidermied animal. WTF?

  63. You are fantastic indeed, Jefferson Peabody. Fantastic, indeed.

    Amy - Hamlet's Mistress recently posted Gilt- Katherine Longshore.

  64. Souffles are highly underrated. Why don’t more tiny animals bake? The world would be a better place.

    Rhana recently posted Today, my body is a four-letter word.

  65. And I just found another one.
    http://www.trademe.co.nz/antiques-collectables/museum-pieces-artifacts/auction-495246198.htm
    This person sounds like they have a serious mannequin collection.
    *Wonders if the husband would notice if I started my own collection*

    Stef recently posted Life lately......

  66. Woman, you make me laugh until I cry and I can’t see to read. Then I have to get myself together so I can finish the post. Then it starts all over again.

  67. OMG he’s perfection. Why can’t I find perfect dead things like that?

    J recently posted (Image).

  68. So, he’s got his hands up in the air, waving them around like he just don’t care? I want that shit on a t-shirt!

    Leanne Moffat recently posted Sex Advice For The Rest Of Us.

  69. Perfect!!! When they’re ready for a new friend, I think a Drunken Duckling would do quite nicely! (Couldn’t help but think of you when I saw it!)

    http://www.etsy.com/listing/88177979/taxidermy-duckling-drunken-ducky-little?ref=sr_gallery_20&ga_search_query=taxidermied&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=ZZ&ga_min=0&ga_max=0&ga_search_type=all

    Ashley recently posted Murphy Says....

  70. He’s extremely cute!

    Karen Maeby recently posted Trip to Las Vegas.

  71. Wow. Words fail me…

    Heretic Husband recently posted An Open Letter to Jared Wilson.

  72. Only in Texas, right?

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted Waiting for a good sale on sex toys? Here’s one!.

  73. Good lord. I love him almost as much as Juanita.

    Jaime recently posted Will now by stock in antibiotics.

  74. Oh my God. Juanita has a rival for my heart.

  75. I needed a laugh more than anything today! Thank you SO much for brightening my day! I simply LOVE your blog! Can I hire you to live with me and make me laugh? We won’t call you a jester, that’s politically incorrect….we’ll think of a name at a later date.

    Bailey recently posted And then there was Lucy.

  76. He reminds me of the gieco gekko. But on crack.

  77. Oh just be my bff already, for fucks sake. I’ll move there. I have nothing here but my husband and kids.

    Haley recently posted Ignorance is Bliss.

  78. Apparently I need to come to Texas (?? I think that’s where you live – or I made it up in my head and now believe my own lie) because that’s where all the cool taxidermy is. Nothing cool in IL. Once found a deer head that looked like it would bust out in song any minute – but even that was in Ohio. If you ever find a deer head that looks like it could talk – drop me a line. Our stairwell will thank you.

  79. Every time I look at Jefferson Peabody I hear Oprah’s voice booming from his mouth, “I AM FAN..TAS..TIC!”

    Rachel B recently posted George Orwell called. He said he told you so..

  80. I love you, Jenny. I have been so down with the Colorado shooting thing. This is the first time I laughed out loud. Thank you for what you do.

  81. Bahahha Allie the Alligator (my pet alligator- see http://mayorgia.blogspot.com/2011/11/allie-update.html ) would love him!

    Mayor Gia recently posted I'm Collecting Wine Corks.

  82. aaaaaaaaannnnnnnd desktop background.

  83. Jefferson Peabody is like “Hey Gurl, work that dress gurl.”

  84. I just love reading Victor’s responses. Thanks for the belly laughs!

    Carrie recently posted Spinning is Kick A$$!.

  85. He is a perfect companion for Juanita.

    Katy recently posted Horror Episode Review: The River, Episode 8.

  86. He is fan-freakin-tastic but I do think a mini- megaphone in his raised hand would complete his enthusiasm. :)

  87. That is just GODDAMNED AWESOME! In future I’m having all my dead animals taxidermyfied.

    Or however you f**ing spelt it.

    Molley Mills recently posted I Kill More Than I Save.

  88. Our thrift store had a coupon this weekend of $10/$30. You would have to buy THREE Peabodies to even get to the minimum for the coupon – that is how much of a deal he is! Oh, and there were no dead animals AT ALL at our thrift store so the coupon was pretty much wasted. Too bad, really, or I could have bought them and sent them to you and Victor couldn’t say no because they were FREE.

    Shawn Walter recently posted Underwear, and lots of it!.

  89. 93
    Amberlee LeTourneau

    LOVE IT.. well him :) I need to try and find me some dead animals for my home. All I have is a husband, 4 kids, and live hairy animals… my home is not yet complete.

  90. I’m sorry my giraffe (8 ft. from shoulders to head!) went on a trip to New York and you never got to meet him. You would have loved him!

  91. I need that “I am fantastic” picture on a shirt. That’s my answer whenever someone asks me how I’m doing.

  92. Where are these stores? Because I really need to start shopping in them.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Lost a black walnut tree to thousand cankers disease.

  93. Dang…I soooo wish there were shops like that where I live! (Or maybe not. I barely have room for all my “collectibles” now. And my husband is a lot like Victor.)

    DogsDontPurr recently posted Web Cam Girl.

  94. This is awesome alligator day for me. One of my other tweets is about a Maurice Sendak book from 1962 called “Alligators All Around: An Alphabet”.

    http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2012/07/18/alligators-all-around-maurice-sendak-alphabet-book-1962/

    Few words and great illustrations with a familiar pose in a few of the illustrations.

  95. Is that the GEICO gecko?

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted MasterChef: DONKEHS, Eggs, Paula Deen, and Sushi.

  96. Look, I know that some people, and at least two stuffed dead animals, have a really emotional investment in souffles, but…

    Can we try to major on the majors?

    Focus on the really important things in life?

    I am ALMOST finished with “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”.

    YAY!

    And also, FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    No pressure, but, really, what the hell else am I supposed to do with my time?

    Jenny, how are you doing with the follow up book?

    :-}

    HogsAteMySister recently posted The Glasses Make the (Old) Man.

  97. I think I get a little credit for this find.
    Today, I was just reading the part of your book “And then I snuck a dead Cuban alligator on an airplane”, and couldn’t fathom how you would get by with just ONE taxidermied alligator.
    My powers of psychic suggestion are strong indeed.
    You’re welcome.

  98. Oh, he’s perfect! There’s no way you COULDN’T buy him, truly.

    And using “by the awesome” as a unit of measure is entirely appropriate. We make up our own units of measure all the time. Typically to do with D&D, because we are tremendous nerds.

    Jen recently posted 6 Products For People Who Are Silly For Their Dogs.

  99. 103
    Anonymous

    “Motherfucking bargain hunter…” Oh, Victor…when will you learn? It isn’t about the bargain, it’s about the fanfriggingtasticness.

  100. What kind a thrift shops do you go to??? I buy cute dresses and old books at thrift shops; you buy awesome. I’m totally shopping the wrong places!

    Kandace recently posted Jack Kerouac ain’t seen nothin’ like this….

  101. It’s so perfect! I’m glad Juanita has a friend to share in her frustration now.

    Amanda recently posted in which reality comes crashing down on my dream life.

  102. 106
    Katy Owens

    OMG! I love it. And I second someone else’s comment that he needs a fez! He is fabulous!

  103. 107
    @bettybroo

    i think it looks like he’s singing bohemian rhapsody, you know, at the ‘mamaaaaaaa’ part. in any case he’s awesome. and even awesomer with juniata.

  104. 108
    Donna Cravensdcravens

    Totally love it! What will you name him, or her?

  105. 109
    TessaLeFae

    You always make me grin… or cry. Both are good. Thanks.

  106. Woman, you kill me.

    I channel the excitement you have when discussing this with your husband.

    Juanita looks happy, or at the very least glad that someone is sharing her agony. Misery loves company they say.

    Congrats on the new addition. Keep it high or Hunter S Tomcat may kill it for a final time. I don’t think you’d be able to get your $12 back if that happened.

  107. Ummm, Jenny… Jefferson Peabody needs clothing. He’s nekkid for christ’s sake!

  108. He needs a little Italian military uniform. Obviously he’s not screaming, he’s singing opera!

  109. $12 IS a bargain!! And Jefferson Peabody is a perfect name for him! Hahaha!

    Amanda recently posted You Just Never Know What Might Be Hiding Under The Bed….

  110. I wish that I could get excited about ANYTHING the way that you get excited about taxidermied animals. Just once in my goddamn life.

  111. He puts his hands in the air like he just don’t care!

    Kathy V. recently posted Rage Fairies.

  112. Jefferson Peabody just made a shitty day way unshittier. I’d say $12 bucks is a bargain for a tiny stuffed alligator who looks like he’s screaming, “Oh, the humanity!” Tell Victor you are saving people’s sanity one previously-unwanted taxidermied animal at a time. And we appreciate it.

  113. So funny! I am still laughing many minutes after reading this post. While I honestly cannot imagine owning anything that was once alive and now dead and stuffed, I do feel myself a bit envious of this crazy cool alligator!

    BusyMomofTwins recently posted The bounty of summer.

  114. All I can say is Holy Canolli! And where the fuck do I get one?!

    Queen of All Things Good recently posted It's the Weekly (not really) Random Wrap-Up!.

  115. I’ve only been reading your blog for a couple months now and I was hooked instantly. I asked for your book for mother’s day when the hubby texted me out of frustration and after a fruitless shopping trip. It was awesome, by the way. I read from it aloud to my mother in the hospital shortly before she passed from a brain tumour because each chapter could be read stand alone and it was a fun read. She could no longer read for herself and she seemed to enjoy it. Even when she was unable to speak coherently she would chuckle at the good parts, which was often. You are totally crazy and one of the coolest people on the internets! Both are meant as compliments, of course. I’m still trying to figure out where you would keep all these interesting finds of yours… I have too many kids so there’s hardly room for all of us much less cool baby alligators, frozen in time and singing hallelujah (or, you know, screaming).

    Mary recently posted On being three.

  116. 120
    a Book for My Daughter

    It’s as if he were waiting for you all his taxidermied life–of course you HAD to buy him. Welcome to the family!

    a Book for My Daughter recently posted Relax (Advice from a Wise Seven-Year Old).

  117. YAY! this is awesome! I just love you and all your old dead animals. Jefferson just looks so excited to see you! How can that not make you happy?

    Keaven Neely recently posted No Phone Home.

  118. I have no words.

  119. “By the awesome” is my new favorite unit of measurement.

    Cris recently posted Pon Farr: Why I Love Being Married to a Geek.

  120. Everything should be measured by awesomeness

    Kelly recently posted Public Pool Princess – An Open Letter.

  121. “I throw my hands up in the air sometimes
    Saying AYO!
    I’m Fan-tas-tic-o!”

  122. Surely you’re almost up to a taxidermy chess set.

  123. You should have him facing Victor and caption it “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!”

    frankly, I think Victor may be the patron saint of husbands. I’m sure he has his shortfalls, Lord knows they all do, but he so groks you and steps back to let you….well…..be you. There’s gotta be a halo in there for him.

    Meanwhile, Jefferson Peabody is da bomb!

    Sj recently posted Great American Pastimes: Baseball and Politics ..................in no particular order.

  124. I want that on a coffee mug!! ^.^

  125. I would LOVE to see you make a card out of the flying dug that actually reads “hug it out, bitches!” I could use a card or 5 like that.

  126. And by flying “dug” I meant duck. Of course.

  127. I. Love. This. that’s all I have to say.

  128. I loves him! I want him…or at least his brother/sister! On a bad note though, my boyfriend doesn’t want me to read your blog anymore, he says that every time I leave the house he is scared to death that I am going to come home with some f***** up piece of taxidermy. I think that he and Victor should go live in a retirement home together. I’ll NEVER give up The Bloggess!

  129. OMG, I also screamed AHHHHHHHHHHHH when I saw him. But the first kind of AHHHHHHHH, not the second. And my husband also wondered what the hell that was about. When I said The Bloggess, I could actually HEAR his eyes roll behind me.

    I think he needs a hug from the aggressive affection duck.

    I gotta say, I am NOT finding these awesome taxidermied animal stores anywhere around Kansas City. Something is WRONG with this motherfucking city, I say.

    Jeff recently posted Since I can't mess with my hair on top, being bald and all....

  130. the new souffle photo caused me to guffaw, awkwardly, which is the proper adverb to described most guffaws.

  131. Do you ever freak Victor out just by saying “I’m stuffed” after dinner?

    Cathy recently posted Oooh Something Shiny Highlight of the Summer: Warped Tour at Darien Lake 2012.

  132. Awesome! I want!

    AMummysLife recently posted 10,000 views!.

  133. 137
    Neena Levi

    I love, Love, LOVE Jefferson Peabody! He is so awesome it almost hurts me!

  134. I wish you got the duck too – who doesn’t need an assulting duck to force us to hug it out every once in a while? Tell Victor it’s like free couples therapy. If he tells you it’s not free because you still need to buy the duck, you can tell him that little disagreements like those are EXACTLY why you need couples therapy.

  135. I believe that I will need to get this greeting card to hang on my office wall, so that when my bosses are being The Dumb, I can look at it and it will make me laugh from the sheer freaking awesome that is the duo of Juanita and Jefferson Peabody.

    I’ll have you know, you have probably just saved me from committing arson. ;)

    Melissa recently posted Singing the Bones, Part III.

  136. 140
    Heather Croft

    I agree with whoever said he needs a fez. He needs a wee mop and a bow tie, too. Because reasons.

  137. 141
    Jonathan Zero

    I so so needed this today
    thanks!

  138. 142
    E M Foster

    I love your brain!!!! I wish mine felt like it was half as awesome as yours. :-)

  139. If it’s about the $12, I am sure there are plenty of us who will send Victor the $12. Heck, I’d do it even though I am currently unemployed.

    Thank you for this… I really needed this today!

    MsDarkstar recently posted Unlucky Friday.

  140. And he cooks! That is quite a bargain.

  141. I love him! Where the heck do you find these gems? I especially love that his facial expression works for both horror and delight. I would put him in my closet, so every day I could picture him screaming “FABULOUS!” after I get dressed. Or, if I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see, he would back me up by screaming “AAAACK!” Too awesome.

    yetisaurus recently posted Panda Suit Shenanigans.

  142. He is the motherfucking Edvard Munch of alligators!!

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted The Real L Word: Dirty, Sexy Laundry.

  143. 147
    pkz_demon

    Just looking at him makes me happier. He’s JUST THAT HAPPY. Excellent shopping choice, as usual.

  144. Its surprising how victor let’s you out of the house. Oh wait, you have internet.it’s a losing battle on all fronts. God you make me laugh. Thank you!!!

  145. I would have been extremely disappointed had there not been a greeting card. As such, I have purchased one so that you can hopefully purchase the aggressively huggy duck. You’re welcome.

  146. My hairdresser in Austin also collects taxidermy. When I saw him a few weeks ago he was debating a $600 baby goat he’d found in a shop on South Congress. I can be excited for him and encourage it because it’s not going in my house. This tiny, screaming stuffed alligator, however, is nine kinds of cute. I cannot even believe I just typed that.

  147. 151
    Lynne Thomas

    I make my husband read your blog, Jenny, so that he can appreciate that other husbands out there don’t get to live the rich and varied life that he and Victor do. Being married to Southern girls is a blessing in the truest sense of the word.

  148. 152
    Tracey Watson

    I need a full set of greeting cards……..an assortment if you will……I love all of your minions-and your fantastically warped (don’t take that the wrong way-it IS a compliment!) sense of humor.

  149. I have never bought a dead animal before but I would definitely have bought Jefferson Peabody. I couldn’t have walked away and left him there and I’m glad that Victor didn’t talk you out of this adoption. Jefferson is awesome and so are you; please don’t ever change <3

    Kat recently posted My two loves: internet and reading.

  150. 154
    Abby Knoblauch

    The next time I’m teaching film and we’re talking about sublime images, I’m pulling this one up. It. Is. MAGIC!

  151. I love the souffle greeting card! But I have to say…that fucking alligator scares me, in much the same way that baby corn scares me. (Seriously.) It’s just…too small. And WHERE DID YOU FIND A DRESS FOR A DEAD ANIMAL? It fits SO PERFECTLY. It looks so…twee. (Which really is NOT a word one has the opportunity to use very often, so I think I should get points for it or some shit, like some kind of Bloggess Scrabble. Get to work on that and don’t say I haven’t helped you with marketing ideas, WAY more than Victor who obviously is still thinking INSIDE the box as opposed to outside the entire effing universe like I do.)

    Leila recently posted Things You Don’t Want to Hear Your Husband Say.

  152. I love reposting your blogs to FB. Not only because they are fantastic but to see how long my pastor lasts before he Unfriends me. Carry on and thank you.

  153. I can’t even imagine what your house must be like to live in. Awesomely scary. Or scarily awesome, I’m not sure.

  154. One word for you- “STELLAAAAAAAA!!!!!!”

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Gratuitous Dachshund Photos and Video.

  155. You find the BEST dead animals!

    Rebecca recently posted Spend the Day at Hanauama Bay.

  156. Jefferson Peabody IS awesome!

    I’m glad they were not charging by the awesome.

    Carol recently posted Finding licensed images.

  157. You made me laugh tonight. And considering that the evening has been so shit-tastic that I punched a wall, it was truly needed. Thank you.

  158. Awesome! I have no idea where you shop. The only dead animals I have found for sale are deer heads and big ol’ fish. Thanks for the laugh tonight!

    Keitha recently posted Fun With Photos.

  159. Omg… this is the first dead animal you’ve posted that I was repulsed by… he is actually kind of cute… adorable really… baby anything is cute…. even dead baby Gator … maybe its just the wine… or lack of sleep

    Kerry :) recently posted Comment on … An Invasion of Privacy by Kerry.

  160. woohoohoo! That’s an impressive little alligator man. and only 12 dollars. what a steal.

    Izzy Mason recently posted Our Lawnmower's Been Violated.

  161. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! HE IS WONDEFULLLLLLLL! :D

    RJ recently posted Concert Review: 7/16/2012 Tycho – Pittsburgh, PA at Rex Theater.

  162. BWAHAHA! I love it! I’m sitting here wiping tears of laughter from my eyes. Needed the laugh really bad, since someone broke into my house, ggrrrr! :)

    Alyssa recently posted Something to make Sunday better....

  163. This just made my week. And it’s only Sunday!

    Sarah T recently posted Life List #5 - On Top of the World, part 2.

  164. You would think Victor would be more relaxed about these animals by now, especially after your anniversary sloth. I mean, it’s not like it’s a LIVE gator.

    Natalie recently posted And Then I Ended Up on a Gang's Hit List.

  165. Little dude doesn’t just raise the roof…he ROCKS DA HOWSE.

    He is so little and tiny and small and perfect. I’m super envious of your stellar score :)

    XLMIC recently posted How are YOU getting your Omega-3's?.

  166. 170
    tara pratt

    There is a “vintage” (code word for “old crap”) store on South Lamar in Austin where the funk just gets funkier! Make a day of it! I found a taxidermied wolf hound there that seemed to be more antique than vintage for the shocking price of $685. I bet you could talk them down. If he’s still around, which I’ll bet he’s not because who doesn’t want a taxidermied wolf hound for $685?
    http://www.uncommonobjects.com/

  167. 171
    tara pratt

    Oh, yeah, tell Victor “Your’re welcome” for me!

  168. 172
    Conurekook

    I think Jefferson needs a wee chef’s hat and apron to compliment Juanita. What a find! So jealous.

  169. I never once saw any kind of appreciation in taxidermy. Until there was you.

    Zombiegyrl recently posted Warning: Rant Territory..

  170. 174
    tara pratt

    Did we get Pony Danza? Fingers and eyes crossed!

  171. Literally crying laughing right now.

    Sam recently posted 23/100 Songs.

  172. If you are running out of room, than you need to add a room. You can pay for this by selling tickets to people who want to come and see your stuff. Then, you’ll totally be in the roadside attraction business and you can keep buying more stuff and adding more rooms. Like the House on the Rock. That would be awesome. I’d totally buy a ticket.

  173. It was truly meant to be.

    (Lol, measured in awesome!

    Julie recently posted Beautiful Omens..

  174. Measured in awesome is now an official form of measurement in my house. Also, Jefferson is *amazing*. I’m jealous.

    Jessica recently posted Kind of sad I couldn't find the Chinese Black Market here in Japan....

  175. Wanita says “My mother fucking souffle is ruined” and Peabody is all “BITCH PLEASE!”

  176. Of course I was beaten to it, but yeah, I’d say that first thing is a Japanese serow. I would love to know how its head ended up in Texas.

    I think Jefferson needs a town cryer’s outfit and little bell.

  177. Jaunita and Jefferson are clearly a match made in heaven, they were both just stuffed awaiting your arrival

    Tom Stronach recently posted Mr Fat has an idea!.

  178. OMG. I just kept wondering if he was stuck in his egg like that. It took a few steps before I realized he was probably not screaming from being ripped from the womb. I do feel better now because he was almost certainly not trying to rip himself out of an egg when he died, he’d be too squished to scream then. Right?

  179. I swear he needs a little clock in his mouth like the crocodile in “Hook”…

  180. This just happened in my house:
    Me: “BAhaHHAHA”
    Tim: “What?”
    Me: “Oh, just one of my favorite bloggers bought a taxidermied baby alligator that looks like it’s screaming.”
    Tim: “…is that the lady who has A LOT of taxidermied animals?”
    Me: “Aww, yes!”

    My husband is a pro a listening. Amazing.
    Hahahaha

    Sabrina recently posted Hey, June.

  181. Oh, come on, Victor, it was totally made for Jen! The pose! They look!

  182. It does speak to me, my day is already considerably improved. I can only imagine how much better I’d feel if Jefferson P. was on my desk. He was made for you. I rejoice in your good fortune.x

  183. I kind of want that alligator… I’m actually jealous of a taxidermied alligator.

    Brandi@String Cheese Runner recently posted While I was out….

  184. he is indeed awsome, i want him! lol, fantasic find and i love what you did with im x

  185. This is fucking precious. I think you’ve found your new calling in life: making ridic cards out of dead animals. I had a great LOL at this, so many gifts bestowed on one person, praise tha lo-ah-da!

    Shannon recently posted Why you should never own an expensive car in France.

  186. I don’t know. I’m sensing an operatic vibe here…

    Kara recently posted New kitten and I’m losing my mind..

  187. Just got home and was waxing lyrical (as you do) about alligators and taxidermy. Flatmate “you’ve never mentoned this before”. Me *stomps off * “Are you f-ing joking me mumble mumble mumble”. I have now forwarded him the blog and expect him to have read and understood and totally get every single post by tomorrow. Or else.

  188. I love that! If you could find another you could use it to make a teeny tiny pair of alligator shoes for the squirrel…

    Amy recently posted Wine Cork Ideas – Wine Cork Dart Board.

  189. Just bought two of these cards at your zazzle shop – one will be a birthday card and one will be lovingly placed on my fridge. You need to make magnets out of these. Seriously.

  190. Awesome. This made my morning. I love it! I agree with the last comment. You need to make magnets out of these:)

  191. I saw this article about a baby sloth on Jezebel and thought of your delightful shock-Victor anniversary present: http://jezebel.com/5928110/baby-sloth-refuses-to-eat-without-a-suitable-cuddle-buddy ADORABLE SLOTH BABY HUGS!!! In other news, my boyfriend read your book over the weekend and said it was the funniest book he had ever read. I told him of course it was, I had already told him this.

  192. That motherfucker’s magical. And he goes so well with Juanita. And now I’m singing the theme song to The Rescuers, remembering the huge alligators Brutus and Nero (b/c nothing makes more sense than a 70′s movie reference of huge gators compared to Jefferson Peabody’s tennytininess, right?). Or were they crocodiles? Fuck you, grade school!

    Arnebya recently posted Worldful Wednesday: Head Start Readiness.

  193. Dear God, that IS full of the awesome!!! I want Lil Jeffy so bad!!!! That’s it, I request new swag made in his honor!

  194. Jefferson Peabody is indeed FANTASTIC! Wait…you probably are unable to read this over the sound of his AWESOMENESS!!

  195. Clearly, Jefferson is singing “Don’t cry out LOUUUUUD – just keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud. And if you should fall, remember you almost had it aaaaalllllllll!”

    There has to be a way to get one of those recordable chips they put in singing birthday cards and make him a singing alligator.

  196. I think we are moving to Texas just for the thrift stores.

    Kelly@Sublurban Mama recently posted Triathalivin' - Part One.

  197. Thanks for the laugh. Jefferson Peabody will serve you well.

    Becky recently posted Have Fun.

  198. Can you just put up the blank picture so we can Photoshop it ourselves with our own captions because I feel the need to waste 3 more days of my life working on that shit like I did with the Juanita one. Thanks in advance.

    moooooog35 recently posted Try It At Home, Kids: The Shittier Side of Greetings.

  199. WOW! I’m betting they can sing opera too! Look at the passion in those poses! I don’t actually know any opera words, so I’ll demonstrate with a little Aretha Franklin because she’s better than opera anyway. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T….”
    Maybe a little Gotye, “You didn’t have to cut me up….”
    OK – I’ll stop now – oh wait one more.
    or – Dorothy Moore, “…I should forget you. Heaven knows I tried….”
    WAIT – here is the perfect theme song for them:
    John Prime – …”Please don’t bury me down in that cold, cold ground. I’d rather have them cut me up and pass me all around…” (not that they want to be cut up, but the lyrics show how deeply they do not want to be buried.)
    They are very versatile in their music choices.

  200. Prine – it’s John PriNe, not PriMe.

  201. Everyone needs a Jefferson Peabody as a side-kick for dramatic moments.

  202. Where DO you find this shit!

    Lil recently posted One of those days.

  203. OMG lady! you are killing me. Good thing my boss walked away before I crumpled into a big ball of hysterical laughter! <3

  204. Looks like he just found out he can save 15% on his car insurance lol.

  205. My husband is with Julie K’s husband (comment 24). Maybe they need to start the Long Suffering Husbands Association. On the other hand, I know I keep my husband around because the entertainment, although rare, is excellent. And, instead of taxidermy, we collect bones: muntjac, sambar, serow, macaque, dog, and cat.

  206. Just read your entire book in a day. Yea, youre that awesome

  207. “It’s like someone found the best fucked up taxidermy ever and decided to charge by the inch rather than by the awesome.” I think need that in a tattoo.

    Maria recently posted Burrito Baby at the Mausoleum a Halicarnassus.

  208. You have the BEST LUCK when it comes to taxidermied gators. Jealous.

    Nic recently posted Don’t Let Me Near Your Wine Bottles (Because I Might Have Anger Issues).

  209. Slippery slope, Jenny. Slippery slope.

    the muskrat recently posted empty.

  210. Thank you for providing my at-work distractions today. Jefferson Peabody Meme’s it is!! PRAAAAAISE!!

    Amanda recently posted I feel sorry for anyone who doesn't have brothers.

  211. Please. Please. Please. Start Victor blogging his own thoughts. Cause they have got to be awesome. Half the time I’m reading this to hear stuff coming out of his mouth in reply to you. Favorite blog. Bar none.

  212. I never see taxidermy where I go. I guess in Mississippi they just eat whatever’s left over. I do have a store with a giant metal rooster down the street. He could be Jay Z. I’ll try to sent a picture

    Kim recently posted New Themes: The Great Adventure, The Columnist, and Vintage Camera.

  213. Oh my gosh! Well day is made right there. Total bargain and also would have bought him in a second. Love him and you for making me smile! :D :D

  214. I love it! I would be screaming if my souffle was ruined too!

    Seanna Lea recently posted party! in a heatwave.

  215. I wonder if Jefferson is somewhat offended at being relegated to a role as holla-back to a stuffed weasel?

  216. J.P. just made my Monday! Raise the roof, y’all!

    Brandy recently posted Here we go!.

  217. OMG, he is so fucking HAPPY! Look at his stoked gator face! How could Victor say no?!

    Melissa B recently posted Jesus Buns.

  218. So fabulous….I’m a new reader/fan/obsessor, btw, and am midway through your book and actually know the region you mention as your home and am about to move back to a place, like, 40 miles from you, which is totally not what someone should say to a person with extreme anxiety, but maybe we could hide under desks together (I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so I’ll just mimic you, seriously). And soon my Juanita Weasel button will arrive, and I will wear it proudly, and doesn’t that just say everything. ::hug:: I think you are MADE OF AWESOME.

  219. so.much.awesome.

    leigh recently posted oh boy....

  220. omg I wants one of my own! The Precious that is Jefferson Peabody!!

  221. straight up just spit coffee on my keyboard. he is amazing.

    Kp recently posted Forget the bridge to Canada, let's build a bridge to Wisconsin..

  222. They never have anything like this at my thrift store!

  223. Say. it. isn’t. so!

    Momma Fargo recently posted The Eyes Have It.

  224. How come all the thrift shops in Texas are FILLED with dead animals?

  225. I died. I saw the two of them together and I just DIED.

    I should know better than to read this blog at work.

  226. Holy shiz-nit Batman! That is either the coolest thing I’ve ever seen, or the creepiest! I’m really not sure which, but it matters not. It’s totally awesome. Congrats on the new member of the family.

    Chris Dean recently posted I'm Back...(I Think).

  227. You are too fucking awesome for words.

  228. 233
    Cedarflame

    So, how much was the Affleck duck? Cause he is sort of cool and I would like to hang him over the door way…..coming into the Apartment.

  229. 234
    tara pratt

    With Regard to comment #168: it’s South CONGRESS, not Lamar. I can’t be held responsible for my fingles when drinking.

  230. The screaming stuffed baby alligator is pretty freaking amazing…I have to agree with you on that.

    Stephenie Stone recently posted Underwood’s Peach Cobbler.

  231. 236
    Over the Hill Mom

    Love it! I actually laughed outloud. This is the perfect item to buy because when you look at it you smile. It pays for itself in happiness!

  232. Yep, that is pretty much all kinds of awesome. Jefferson Peabody is the perfect way to start Monday. Just can’t figure out why Texas ends up with all the awesome dead stuff? WHY?! I live in backwoods Georgia fer Chrissakes!

  233. Your husband is a saint. I would have been out on my ass years ago. That being said…that is so amazingly awesome. A few more and you could stage a zombie apocalypse or something.

    Robin recently posted My Political Incorrectness Is Showing.

  234. Thank you, I need a Jefferson Peabody intervention today.

    GurlNxtDoor recently posted Blankety Blank and Other Female Awesomeness.

  235. What would I do without you in my life???

    Rachel recently posted Congrats!! It's a ....

  236. But……DID YOU GET THE MINIATURE PONY OR NOT?!? Sorry, didn’t mean to shout, I’m just getting anxious to know, since bidding finally ended.

  237. WANT.

    Rebecca recently posted The Doctor Danced:.

  238. I agree with an earlier post-er that said he looks likes he’s singing. But it looks to me like he’s singing “Feelings….whoa, whoa, whoa feeeeeelings…..” And by the way, I can’t tell from the pictures—-what makes you so sure he’s a he and not a she? I kinda want photographic proof.

  239. Wow, that must have been some souffle to generate that level of indignancy.

    Alyssa S. recently posted A time to relish in the ordinary.

  240. I am pretty darn jealous. All we have in our thrift shops are used underwear and knock off bags.

    Nicole recently posted Book Review - Remind Me Again Why I Need a Man? By Claudia Carroll.

  241. Like Veronica, I am lamenting the fact that the thrift stores near me never seem to have dead animals for sale. I don’t think I’d buy one, but I would pose it in interesting places in the store and take its picture.

  242. The Small-Town, TX, it is a strange beast, y’all. In addition to a million Beyoncés of all shapes and sizes (including ducks, goats, pigs, and all this just at the large souped-up chain grocery store!), it makes signs that fill the heart with joy. A treasured memory of mine, the summer we moved to Paris, TX: a hand-lettered notice on the Burger King speaker that said, “Speaker is brock.” Yes sirree Bob – it DID. I won’t even tell y’all about the marquee sign outside the florist’s that said, “Tulips today – two lips tonight!”

  243. “Oh my GAWD! Did you SEE her shoes???” Yup, that’s the very first thing I thought.

    After giggling at Victor’s “motherfucking bargain hunter” comment. Heehee!

    Jess recently posted My knee is no longer jerking..

  244. Where do you find these kinds of bargains?!?

    Ashley recently posted He knows my name..

  245. Remember the time Ferris Mewler was sniffing around that…snake/honeybadger thing? I want to see Ginja check out Jefferson Peabody.

    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted …and THAT’S why I have a giant ass!.

  246. FUCKING awesome!!!!!!! I lurv him, and I want one!

    Kelly Fox recently posted Tripping the Gluten Fantastic.

  247. I went all awesome with the Pony Danza magnet support love, because it has just the right amount of passive aggressive sarcasm I can use at my office, and made me snort with laughter, so I decided instantly “gifts!” And bought 5.

    Then they arrived, and I’m all “Yay!” And I opened it up and was all “noooooooooooooooooooooooo” in the best Juanita Weasel style I could muster, because those bastards at Zazzle didn’t properly resize the image to fit the 3 x 4 option.

    So now it’s just sarcasm with no meaning, and I found that was rather frustrating. So just thought I’d share the heads up with you to NOT buy the SMALLER magnet option! It’s all dressed up without a place to parh-tay, unlike Jefferson Peabody…

  248. Ha! Of course Jefferson Peabody has teamed up with Juanita Weasel. Duh.

    Mrs. One Day recently posted Three Generations of Texas Girls.

  249. My god, he’s PERFECT! There’s never any taxidermy in the Danish shops :(

    Nat recently posted How much freakiness is allowed before breakfast?.

  250. That is so fabulous, I’m envious.
    If you ever want to buy cool dead things without leaving your house, I recently found this excellent (goth?) website: http://tinyurl.com/bosf8zp

  251. And he says “HOLLA”

  252. Wasn’t Jefferson Peabody formerly a cartoon character with a top hat and cane? I LOVE his enthusiasm! This makes me want to hit some yard sales, because where I live there’d totally be some weird taxidermied shit.

    Denise Malloy recently posted Exaggeration – It’s All in the Family.

  253. I snorted out loud when I read “Hug it out, bitches!”

    Kristen recently posted Secrets of Your Grocery Store.

  254. I love him! I never seem to find these types of treasures. I am happy to give him a home if the need arises.

  255. You know what I love?

    I love that moment at the end of all the funny when I scroll back up to the top and reread the title, and suddenly that’s funny, too! It’s like a bonus funny at the end (beginning) of all the other funny!

    “Easily Excited”, she says.

    HA HA HA HA!!! Love it!

  256. Can you pleeeeeeeeeease make a “I am fantastic” postcard? Please, please,please (with alcoholic cherries on top)?!

  257. How close are we getting to seeing stop animation? =) They would look really cute in a little show.

    Janika recently posted I have this chicken thing.

  258. I love him! Well played.

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted Cute Pictures.

  259. abosfuckinglutely fabulous. jefferson peabody is perfect. does he need clothes? may i suggest a scarf. or cravat.

    steph gas recently posted bittersweet.

  260. Hysterical paroxysms for everyone!

  261. @Susan D.
    And by the way, I can’t tell from the pictures—-what makes you so sure he’s a he and not a she? I kinda want photographic proof.

    Unfortunately for us, most reptiles have their reproductive organs on the inside so the only way to tell for sure is with an internal exam by a vet or a blood test. As little Jefferson Peabody has no more blood and can’t have an internal exam, we’ll just have to trust Jenny on this one. :)

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Gratuitous Dachshund Photos and Video.

  262. I like to think of myself as hard-hearted, but alas, the dead animals creep me out.

  263. You really owe Victor a beer. No, you owe him a six pack. For that matter, I would be more than happy to buy him a round here in Houston. God knows he needs it.

    Love you anyway, Bloggess.

    His call – bar with western swing or a bar with punk. I’m not great on shades of grey. And red dresses just don’t work for me.

    JC recently posted Too damn happy to post.

  264. Jefferson Peabody is a ROCK STAR, y’all. He totally needs some smoke, lights, and accessories.

  265. AHHHH!!! Sorry, but I feel a bit like you husband on this one… that thing gives me the heebie jeebies! O.o

    However, I understand that nothing in the whole world is half as awesome as retail therapy :)

  266. 272
    Star Austin

    The first creature has been misidentified, he is absolutely NOT a reverse Mr. Tumnus, but rather a hornless Gump (see Return To Oz starring a young I-bind-you-Nancy), and JP is clearly screaming for someone to get the Gump a couch-body so he can fly.

  267. That hugging duck is very upsetting. And maybe also religious.

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted My Jesus Bird Cherry.

  268. Fantastic! Love Juanita & Jefferson!

  269. I really shouldn’t read this when I’m at work ….. but I can’t help myself. Luckily, the library is quiet right now and I was able to turn my snort of laughter into a semi-squelched-sneeze noise…..

    This newest addition to your family is quite the fantastic beast.

    Jo recently posted Wordless Wednesday - teazles blooming.

  270. You have opened my world to taxidermy, Jenny Lawson! I only thought major hunting conquests like deer and antelope were stuffed! Well, my grandpa had a stuffed pheasant. Anyway, I thought only fowl and deer-like animals were taxidermied. Now, I’ve been enlightened. I’m also really surprised that Victor is surprised/shocked by ANYTHING. I mean, really.

  271. LOL!! Thanks Jenny. I needed the laugh!

  272. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with the post, but has EVERYTHING to do with something I think you’d love.
    http://jezebel.com/5928322/meet-the-man-with-the-160-lb-scrotum
    I want to know if it jiggles.
    If I ever see this man on the street I am going to go up to him and ask, “Sir, may I touch your testicles?” and if he says no I am going to tap and run.
    Read your book by the way, it was FANTASTIC and led to my twelve year old cousin thinking I’m insane because I would laugh for fifteen minutes straight every few pages. I’m rambling, but serious check out the 160 pound scrotum.

  273. That. Alligator. Is. Amazing.

    Jacque recently posted Dog Days of Summer.

  274. 280
    Twinsanity

    Oh, Christ on a motherfucking tricycle! I haven’t laughed that hard all month. I don’t know how I got here, but I never want to leave. You’re just that good.

  275. I don’t think you find these things. I think they find you. You are being stalked by dead animals!

  276. My husband will probably kill me if you and I ever meet because I KNOW we’d be the greatest of shopping-mates.
    And then we’d have to park our car on the driveway so that I could make a dead-animal museum in our garage.

    Nikki Nicholas Mohamed recently posted Forgive but Not Forget.

  277. Sigh, I would love to have a taxidermied Polish chicken, it would be having a taxidermied Tina Turner or 80′s David Bowie in the house all the time. Without the chicken poop, or crowing. Who doesn’t love a chicken with an afro, or 80′s Hair band hair in the house ?
    http://search.aol.com/aol/image?q=polish+chicken&v_t=wscreen50-bb
    Here are some pretty pictures of the Polish that I just love.

  278. The best part is that he could also be yelling out of outrage. Like…. “WHERE ARE ALL THESE FUCKING LLAMAS COMING FROM?!? AND WHY ARE THEY SMOKING?? THERE IS NO SMOKING IN BARS ANYMORE, LLAMAS!!!! I’M SICK OF THESE MOTHAFUCKIN LLAMAS IN THIS MOTHAFUCKIN BAR!”

    It’s kind of a long tshirt though…

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Valerie recently posted Only YOU can protect yourself from Zombies... Because I will trip your ass..

  279. I imagine the alligator’s actually singing a very loud, operatic Broadway tune. Thus the jazz hands.

  280. I just have to say…when I see Jefferson Peabody with his arms outstretched I TOTALLY hear the voice of Regis in my head… it’s RUINED!

  281. I have a shitty, feeling-sorry-for-myself evening and then I saw this and promptly laughed until I made that weird squeaky noise. THANK YOU!

    Brenna recently posted I wouldn't drink that if I were you.....

  282. i would love a big “i am fantastic” jefferson peabody pin for my shirt, please. actually, i would love three. oh, and a window cling for my bathroom mirror, please!

    holly recently posted gone fishin'..

  283. I *strikethrough*blame*/strikethrough* *underline*thank*/underline* you for this mantra: I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. but I wanna…. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus. I do not need to buy a baby octopus.

    *sigh*

    thank you for being honest about your depression. You have helped me get through a very very dark time.

    sorry, you didn’t get your pony.

  284. Please make a magnet with “by the awesome” on it. However, may I request (very humbly and apologetically) that there not be any dead animals on it please? It wouldn’t be suitable for work. But a new metric measurement is totally necessary in the laboratory where I work. Please? pretty please? With a centimeter on top?

  285. I’m worried Geico will want him back…

  286. I’m worried Geico will want him back…

  287. You’re really going to have to stop adopting these creatures. At least you’re sticking to small stuff!

  288. Jenny, (I am going to just call you Jenny cause I think of you like a friend, and we would be on a first name basis I am sure if we ever met…I hope anyway…)
    I have to tell you, I have been reading your blog a while and more often than not I laugh so hard I cry and not like just normal cry, but cry so hard tears shoot out of my eyes uncontrollably and it really actually scares me a little cause sometimes I worry I won’t be able to stop…. anyway, this made me laugh that way! I just want to say thank you. I am currently reading your book too, and OMGosh I laugh out loud so often my kids come into my room to see what I am laughing about! Again thank you! Laughter is much needed in my life right now. I mean, we all need laughter all the time I know, but sometimes more than others, as you rightfully know. :)
    Sincerely,
    Kelly
    (and if we ever do meet, which I can only hope, please call me Ishmael, I mean Kelly)

    Kelly recently posted New Teacher Support Signs.

  289. Oh please, how could anybody possibly pass that adorably impassioned little guy up? I mean, just look at him. You can imagine him belting out an operatic aria, or being in the midst of something hugely exciting, like spotting a new bakery in town; visiting an all-chocolate buffet; or having an orgasm (from the combined bakery products and chocolate buffet, of course). :D

    Susan Bodendo - Super Earthling recently posted The Day the Devil Came to My Door.

  290. I can’t even breathe I’m laughing so hard. Just finished your book and read aloud the bit about the water squirrels to my 19 year old son who was deeply engaged in playing some sort of psychotic game on his computer and he actually removed his headphones and laughed till he had tears running down his face. You are a marvel.

  291. I can’t believe you found the roof-raising alligator! It’s the only one missing from my collection now that I finally added the fist-pumping one last week.

    Daniel McBane recently posted Disappear Into a Sewer in Medan, Indonesia.

  292. Ha ha ha! You made me laugh. And considering I’ve stopped taking my happy pills, that’s quite an accomplishment.

  293. Yeah, add me to the legion of readers who see him as a fabulous opera-singing alligator, complete with a top hat and cane. But not a monacle. That would be going too far.

    Sarah recently posted Cow Lips?.

  294. 301
    quistyone

    I’ve had a craptastic 2 weeks and just wanted to say thank you for making me (finally) laugh. My hope has been restored.

  295. So I don’t know if you came to Alabama on your fancy book signing extravaganza but if you did I missed it and will need the Tardis with a quickness, because I read your book yesterday and I think you’re magnificent.

  296. It looks more “praise Jesus” than raise the roof. Still, I have love for him. I bet you never thought that your baby Alligator would also be a holy roller.

    Brooke recently posted MAC Volcanic Ash Exfoliator Photos & Review – Heavenly Creature Skincare.

  297. 304
    amgoodnight

    The apron? Fucking GENIUS!!!! I just ordered one & I kind of want to purposely sabotage a souffle while wearing it just for a great photo op.

  298. Jefferson needs some Mardi Gras beads… and pants with suspenders… definitely!

    Amanda Rekenwith recently posted Aye Aye, Captain!.

  299. I love you and I can’t stop laughing. Please tell me there will be a photo statue soon. I’ll make room on my desk between Beyonce and Juanita.

  300. It’s the strangest thought, but I really think Jenny should re-enact da Vinci’s “Portrait of a Lady with an Ermine”. It would be glorious. http://www.art.com/products/p1833417835-sa-i4233611/leonardo-da-vinci-portrait-of-a-lady-with-an-ermine.htm?sorig=cat&sorigid=0&dimvals=5032178&ui=af83982610b54de5abc5d2276b57cdaa

  301. I saw this and immediately thought of you. Could be a new office chair? Who wouldn’t want to be surrounded by not one, but three distinguished-looking and cozy sheep heads whilst you work on your next post.

    http://www.modenus.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/sheep-chair.jpg

  302. I was sitting here, traumatized after seeing a maggot crawl off my salad that I was having for dinner (made with lettuce I just bought yesterday and washed before I ate it), trying to think of ways to avoid ever eating again, and I stumble upon this. Thank you! Thank you for making me smile. You made me forget that I will need therapy for a little while.

  303. Please, for the love of God, put a tiny little Lacoste shirt on this angst-ridden reptile. Love it and the deal you got.

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted Misunderstood.

  304. Oh my goodness!! He is amazing!

  305. Sweet Jeebus, that’s amazing. I am constantly annoyed/awed by your ability to not only find awesome taxidermy, but awesome AFFORDABLE taxidermy. Victor should really appreciate what a bargain hunter you really are.

    Why the hell can’t I find thrift store alligators in South Carolina? It’s just not fair.

    julie recently posted In Which I Acquire a Muppet Pelt….

  306. I am wiping tears of laughter from my eyes… And this was a great birthday present blog… THANK YOU for being a little twisted ray of sunshine!!

  307. I wonder if I could pull off getting one of those into the house… that would be rather amusing to have WIFEY stumble upon!!

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Kathrine Kathy – USMC Wife Sleeps Under Protective Eye Of A Brother Marine.

  308. I live in Florida and I never run into cool shit like this. I love him!!

    ps. I’m mad ALL OVER AGAIN that you aren’t coming to Tampa. Your most awesomesauce fans are here.

  309. It’s 6:45am and I’m laughing out loud. Thank you!!

    Burns the fire recently posted Love and Dance.

  310. WTF ARE YOU WASTING SOUFLE FOR???

    Havana recently posted The FINAL final leg of the book tour!.

  311. Also, thank you so much for fulfilling my dream of seeing a chupacabre. I have been DYING to see one for more than a year now. Stay awesome, Bloggess.

    Havana recently posted The FINAL final leg of the book tour!.

  312. This totally reminds me of a pic I saw on FB the other day with a dead lizard that said something like “a-reptile dysfunction.”

  313. 320
    Anne-Marie

    OMG I. Can’t. Stop. Laughing!!! LOLOLOL!!!! Please bring these cards to Toronto. Please. I will buy a dozen. Seriously.

  314. That’s awesome. And even better is the combination with Juanita. I introduced a non-blogging friend to you and she has become a follower (I think she’s reading your entire archive or something) …so I will therefore have to send her that card. She will love it.

    You are such a giver!

    Red recently posted What is This World Coming To?.

  315. I almost now want to start collecting crazy taxidermy animals, even though they kind of scare me. I love that aligator he is so great. He will be a useful business investment for you I am so sure! Think of all the advertising you could do with him? He looks so happy always, business want their customers happy!

    Tanya recently posted Job Hunt.

  316. I always knew I liked animals. But I never realized how awesome dead animals were until I started reading your blog.

    Dana the Biped recently posted A Whole New Meaning to the Phrase "Double-Tap".

  317. Jenny, I seriously think you need this. Came across him today and instantly thought of you!

    http://www.etsy.com/listing/101944720/taxidermy-slow-loris-monkey-coucang

    Anya recently posted P4.

  318. I snort giggled until I almost peed my pants. Thanks for that! it’s been a rough few weeks, nothing like almost wetting ones self to cheer me up!

    Lucy recently posted Camp Lunch for Mom!.

  319. In my head when he yells ‘ruined’ it sounds just like baby from Family Guy

    Vanessa recently posted Growing Your Own Fruit & Veg For Dummies Review.

  320. Any chance there can be a card with him yelling STELLA!!!!

  321. It’s not often we’re graced with reptilian good looks, miniature adorableness and freakin’ JAZZ HANDS all in one bit of exquisite taxidermy. Hell yeah you had to take Jefferson home!

  322. Somehow this post slipped by me. So glad I went and checked your page and was able to experience the profundity of awesome that was just unleashed upon my being.

    I think Victor *might* be as funny as you are, Jenny. Does he REALLY say that shit, or do you just make him say it?

    And now I like alligators.

    Kristen Mae recently posted I Used to Be a Really Good Violist.

  323. 330
    Immah Lady

    Does Victor really curse that much, or is that added for comedic effect? And your neck of the world must be really nuts or I really need to get out more, because I have never run into taxidermied animals anywhere. It sounds like a magical life.

  324. 331
    Judy Black

    I’m mistrusting zazzle’s reviews as I was looking at the ”Motherfucking Souffle magnet and one review was from missionaries ” giving out these magnets as prayer cards to go on the fridges of our friends. The response has been excellent!” Love the magnet though.

  325. We’re currently doing a lot of shopping for our new home, etc. My partner might once again be less than thrilled with my reading your blog since now I am totally going to use “by the awesome” as a term of measurement when we’re deciding what to spend.

    Love the new member of the family and that souffle card has been one of my favs for a long time.

    Jen @ Bible Belt to Boulder recently posted The joys of automated customer service.

  326. I immediately thought he looked like he should be singing Italian Opera. Also, I don’t know if I actually read this on your blog or if it is my imagination, but whenever you write conversations between you and Victor, I always hear his voice with a British accent…

  327. OMG!!! I want one!!!!! (I have little “toys” and mascots for my blog, because its a food blog, and if I eat the same thing a few days running, I put a mascot with it so my readers know I took the photo on a different day. I have some doozies (from thrift stores) but I have to say, the little aligator takes the prize as the most hilarious!!!) I’m new to your blog, and will be reading your book soon. Thank you SO much for this laugh today, and the laughs I know I’ll have as I continue to read your posts.

    Roz@weightingfor50 recently posted Yet another birthday to celebrate!!!.

  328. Jefferson is singing “strumming my pain with his fingers!”. I’m sure of it. I feel like all us posters owe you $12 for the awesome post.

  329. O M G. LOL!!!

  330. I’m not really sure where you shop.

    Karen Sanders recently posted The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly: Pregnancy.

  331. How do you find these things?! He kinda reminds me of Fargo from Eureka.

  332. I need that screaming alligator like I needed the pink poochie stamp set as a kid!!! I’ll give you 15 whole dollars for it.

    Amber recently posted Fatty McKatty says "no ice cream for you!".

  333. @ tara pratt–have you ever tried to talk them down at uncommon objects???? It’s next to impossible… I once tried to talk them down on a melted wax manniquin they were selling for 150$… No go… They are proud of their merch. Go check out my half melted manniquin… She’s still there in the back corner before the special room starts. Sigh…

    Amber recently posted Fatty McKatty says "no ice cream for you!".

  334. I know find myself in the market for an Assaulting Duck that will yell, “HUG IT OUT, BITCHES!” in my mind.

    Kate recently posted WIP Wednesdays: The Love Letter Postcard 2011 Winner Scarf.

  335. Not sure if you’re into it, but that alligator AND mouse look like perfect ravers to me. SO EXCITED FOR TECHNO! If you set up, Oh I don’t know, a miniature European Rave concert they would look fabulous in day-glow clothing and mini glow sticks. Just a thought, maybe for Halloween?

    Lady J recently posted The Unemployed: The Real Zombie Nation.

  336. I know. I know. My husband doesn’t get it either. Since reading your blog, I have started referring to him as “my Victor.” Here’s why: http://www.darthmama.com/?p=1096

  337. Just finished your book, and just laughed my ass off at this post. My 3 boys ran over to the computer, took one look at the picture, and ALL STARTED YELLING, “I WANT THAT ALLIGATOR!” Ugh. So NOW I am going to HAVE to find one. And CERTAINLY, you bought the LAST ONE! By the way, my husband does not believe that you can laugh out loud while reading books. Whatever. Anyway, I laughed out loud while reading yours, and he was all, “Whatever you are reading cannot possibly be that funny.” So I started reading him stuff from your book and he would just get this stupid smirk on his face, and this particular smirk is what I call the ‘trying-not-to-laugh-but-it-really-is-funny’ smirk. Men.

  338. Jefferson Peabody is easily the awesomest awesome thing I have seen all year. True fact.

  339. Plse mail the alligator to me pronto. I NEED him! Thank you.

  340. 347
    Stephanie

    Whatever will he WEAR?

  341. I really really want someone else to see this. Showed up on my local Craigslist.

    http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/clt/3161126997.html

  342. 349
    Leigh Anne

    My 9 year old took one look at the photo and screamed, “I WANT THAT TEE SHIRT!” So if you’re so inclined, you know, SOLD.

  343. Jefferson Peabody is super awesome, cute & yes he does look like he’s raising the roof! I have to admit that I too have been looking for little stuffed critters ever since I started reading your blog but unfortunately, I haven’t found a darn thing! I will fullfill this dream one day…

  344. I’m a little freaked out by taxidermy and dead animals in general and even I think this little guy is awesome. Great buy!

  345. So having finally seen the picture of Jefferson Peabody (we’re a little slow here, but we just got your book, and I decided to catch up…it’s been busy!) we found that we were in complete stitches over the picture of Juanita and Jefferson agonizing over the souffle. It has now become our favorite quote de jour and we found that infusing the second RUINED! with a Khanesque flavor a la Shatner seemed to bring out the agony even better. Seriously. I could totally see Shatner doing this. He did a really weird musical album with a trippy version of Bohemian Rhapsody, so why not souffle?
    Happiness is giggling over the book, by the way. I am an English teacher and can definitely appreciate the commentary. If I ever do get into a school system that is cool enough to let me get the book, and I do get any single malt, I will certainly send you some. Sadly, I have yet to find a school system that cool.
    That’s why I teach college.

  346. ps. Longest footnote that I have seen goes to Garrison Keillor. It went for days….

  347. I just discovered your blog yesterday through a pal and I haven’t stopped laughing since. There should be a contest where people could win a chance to go shopping with you. Seriously.

  348. I just read the chapter in your book about the magic squirrel. Laughed so hard I’m crying. Thanks so much for that! I am looking forward to the rest of the book.

  349. You have to check out eBay item 380458319243 – it’s Jefferson Peabody’s perfect bride! Just don’t let Victor see you, because she’s a bit more than $12. But a completely justifiable purchase, one feels …

  350. Combining cats, taxidermy, and remote-controlled helicopters, I bring you:

    Catacopter!

    It’s not enough to just have taxidermied animals that you can dress up. Now you can make them fly. BWAHAHAHAHA! Enjoy!
    http://popcultureninja.com/2012/06/05/pcns-weekly-weird-the-catacopter/

  351. That damn ancient baby alligator is awesome! I quickly purchased the shirt so people knew I had enough self confidence to pull off a shirt that screams FANTASTIC with a picture of an ancient baby alligator on it. It makes for a nice conversation starter I think, except with weird people who would think I was the weird one for wearing a shirt with a baby alligator screaming FANTASTIC on it but I think those people probably would avoid talking to me and that is also kinda what I am going for.

    Nikki recently posted Should these things piss me, or just when I have PMS, or doesn't it matter?.


  352. you might have already seen this, but it’s too funny. enjoy!

  353. Is Victor in therapy?

    The Hook recently posted The Hook Dodges A Bullet – Barely!.

  354. 361
    Jo Supernaw

    Hi Jenny,
    I just recently was introduced to your blog and may I just add that..I LOVE IT! I am now inspired to find my own furry stuffed friend and dress him/her (considered a squirrel with tutu). Though, I think following your blog and adventures may be more entertaining than creating my own. Thanks for the all the laughs!
    Jo

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