I blame Steve Jobs for this.

A series of texts I sent to my friend Maile after the rotten wood on our deck was replaced:

To her credit, Maile was unflappable and assumed that my deck, dock and cock were all equally well-crafted.

PS.  After you fuck up two texts your phone should just automatically shut off to save you from yourself.  Just a suggestion, Apple.

 *******************

And in less slightly-confusing news, it’s time for this week’s wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by my friend Marie, creator of Misanthropista.  She’s sort of a bad-ass and most of her emails end with “Oh, bite me” or “What the fuck are you looking at?” but deep down she has a heart of gold and will teach you all about sexting.  You should check her out. Bring donuts.

90 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Well, then again, you *do* have Beyonce, so anyone who knows you might just think you’d dressed up your giant rooster statue or something.

    Like

  2. God don’t you just want to shoot your phone when it does that shit?!! LOL But it is hilarious none the less!! LOL Auto correct has made so many boring texts.. Damn Funny!! Have a great day doll!

    Like

    Candy @ Candypolooza recently posted Are You Ready for Festival People en Español.

  3. What I find funny is your phone wants to autocorrect to “cock”. I mean, it only does that if you use the word enough… Hahahahaha I love it.

    Like

    Meg O. recently posted 20 Months.

  4. Well, you COULD have been talking about Beyonce.

    Like

    Kats recently posted 100 Blog Posts - #27 - Ring of Fire, Chapter 2 (continued).

  5. I like the blame the dead guy strategy.

    Like

    Anne Stinnett recently posted The Joy of Ordering In.

  6. I turned off auto correct (and have a Droid anyway). But I do love reading auto correct mistakes! There’s at least one list of them on like, BuzzFeed, that almost killed me.

    Like

    Jen recently posted What you write with. Literally..

  7. I love awkward text messages. They really bring people together. Oh, and I’m sure it’s a fine cock.
    http://beingsmokey.blogspot.com/2012/08/awkward-text-message.html

    Like

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  8. YOU HAVE 22 MESSAGES!!!

    Like

    Colleen recently posted Best of Halifax 2013….

  9. I love it when Siri goes on and I am not trying to send a text message. I have sent more interesting messages that way!

    Like

  10. I don’t know, I think once you’ve got so far you may as well just keep going with it. What’s the worst that can happen? So you friend comes over to look at your cock…great excuse to buy a rooster!

    Like

  11. It took many, many repetitions of the word “fuck” before my iPhone finally stopped trying to make me say “duck.”

    Like

    Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense recently posted Bento Boxes: WTF do they do with the Crusts?.

  12. I think Apple does it on purpose, just to make life a bit more entertaining for all of us.

    Like

    Keaven recently posted Stationery Card.

  13. Everyone loves to see a giant deck, too.

    Like

    RachRiot recently posted BeefHer '13: Farts, Friendship, Kidnapping and Karate.

  14. I would have just assumed your Cock was a giant metal chicken of some sort. If Deck had autocorrected to Dick I might have blinked, but probably not.

    Like

    Vanessa D. recently posted Bad data connections, Fleshlights, and please don't make me taste the rainbow..

  15. I wish I was invited to that party too. Actually, I wish I had ducks!

    Like

  16. That app would make Apple very rich!
    I have often needed to save me from myself, particularly when I’m texting emotionalyl deep feelings to this guy I have had a crush on for ages, I even add that I know he probably doesn’t feel the same way about me and he replies

    “Okie dokie”…

    Ouch. Kill my phone for me.

    Like

    Miss Gee recently posted You Know You Are Probably Being Robbed, When You're Feeling Cold. For More Details: Consult My Family..

  17. I wonder if they found the ducks and I really really want to see pictures!

    Like

    MILF Runner recently posted I may NOT EVER get to try kabocha squash :(.

  18. I somehow knew that duck/train/origami hat party was going to be in Austin before I even noticed it was in Austin. free drinks the entire night? in my mind that is a great payback for me giving my ducks a place to live and taking them to a party. with hats.

    Like

    monica recently posted Thanks, hubby. Now we are all gonna die..

  19. That would make Apple a “blocker,” though. There’s probably an additional charge for that.

    Like

    kimicalreaction recently posted Cats..

  20. You know, considering you actually DO have a giant metal cock in your garden, that text isn’t really that odd…

    Like

    Jessica @ Just a Mum? recently posted Camping. Night One. Part Two..

  21. What fowl language!

    Like

  22. My phone’s latest trick is autocorrect every word it doesn’t recognize to “pussy.” My female friends think I’m hitting on them. My male friends think I’m offering it up. And my boss thinks I’m inappropriate.

    Like

    Shelley J recently posted The math of college dorm move in weekend. aka PTSD and cookies.

  23. One day, my husband was feeling really low and I wanted to send him a text reminding him of how important he was to me, to make him feel better.

    I wanted to text him “You are my whole world”, but instead I typed “You ate my whole world” and pressed send just as I realised my mistake.

    It actually did make him feel better though, so IN YOUR FACE proper spelling.

    Like

    Kate recently posted fear the spam.

  24. The ballet dancers in random situations was great!

    Like

    Punky Coletta recently posted What if….

  25. 25
    Stephanie H

    Maybe Victor is an exhibitionist….

    Like

  26. yes but you do have a cock, so it would have been OK for her to come see your cock…

    Like

  27. I keep waiting to make some awesome autocorrect errors but either my autocorrect is too smart or I am. (I’m leaning toward the autocorrect.)

    Like

    Kat recently posted My Two Favorite Animals & My Big-Mistake Son (An Interactive Post!).

  28. What IS it with autocorrect? And why does it always seem to happen when we are in a hurry and hit *send* before we glance at what our phone is going to say to someone?!? I had a similar convo with my husband awhile back, where he was asking where the Jose (Cuervo) was; and his phone INSISTED that the word was “hose”…and the misunderstanding that ensued was hilarious. Thanks for reminding me, it’s not just ME! 😀 awesome

    Like

    Stef recently posted I'll Have an Iced Tea, Please.

  29. how can autocorrect mistake “deck” for “cock”?? they don’t look anything alike

    Like

    cass gill recently posted Peeking into another world.

  30. I got it: Put Beyonce on the deck. Then you totally meant what you texted.
    You’re welcome:)

    Like

    cass gill recently posted Peeking into another world.

  31. Deck? Cock? Same thing, right?

    Like

    enchanted seashells, confessions of a tugboat captain's wife recently posted The Ten Stages of Absent Spouse Syndrome.

  32. I totally wouldn’t have batted an eye, I’d have just thought you were talking about Beyonce.

    Like

  33. Good idea for a new app.
    I’m also genuinely glad that your cock is well crafted.

    Like

    Melissa recently posted Post wedding blues.

  34. Love the ballet dancer pictures. Not sure how you find these cool links.

    The reviews of famous authors were brutal! And wordy, like the critics were flexing their vocabulary.

    Like

    Sue recently posted Bogie sleeping.

  35. Am I the only one wigged out by 22 unread text messages?
    OCD sense is all tingly.

    Like

    Cathy recently posted From the mind of The Flame.

  36. It’s been a real ‘cockfest’ on here lately!

    Like

    eileen recently posted Satan’s Following Me!.

  37. Cock block. I like it.

    Like

    Marinka recently posted Texts From a Marriage.

  38. I never was much into art before now…

    Jenny and Ali.

    Who you gonna call?

    Artbusters!

    Like

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Never a Horse Whisperer.

  39. So, because my mind goes that way, I immediately tried to picture a cock that could have “our” in front of it. Is it an organ shared by two unfortunate (or fortunate if you’re one of those glass/ass half full people) Siamese twins?

    Like

    whatimeant2say recently posted Pens and Pencils May Taste Delicious, But They Do No Good If You Can’t See the Board.

  40. I can’t get enough of autocorrect texts. Apparently, my sense of humor is less sophisticated than I like to think it is..

    Like

    Ragemichelle recently posted Don’t Listen To Me, I Have No Idea What I’m Talking About.

  41. I thought you actually got the mailcock for a sec. I mean, mailbox.

    Like

  42. I laughed soooo hard. Massively sleep-deprived and everything is hilarious, but this would be hilarious even if I were well-rested.

    Like

  43. I one of the ones who would have just assumed you bought the mailbox.

    Like

    Patti B recently posted We have a new Doctor!.

  44. I love the cat card and while I was wondering who I could send it too I started thinking of alternatives to the guitar… A vibrator, a shotgun, a sword, a light saber…am I OK? Oh no, a blow dryer…

    Like

  45. So has your friend resumed talking to you after this rather unfortunate autocorrect storm?

    Like

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Magic butter.

  46. I love these round ups. It’s keeping me from cleaning my kitchen today.

    Like

    Ragemichelle recently posted Fuck You, Stuart Smalley.

  47. I see nothing wrong with your cock looking good. I just figured you gave Beyonce a bath.

    Like

  48. Totally agree on the phone thing!! That and autocorrect needs to stop putting words in our mouths! If I type fuck, I mean it and if I type hell, I sure as hell don’t mean he’ll. Replacing words that are spelled correctly with words that don’t make sense is Apple’s way of trying to ruin the world, says the girl who has so many Apple products it’s not funny. Perhaps I shouldn’t reply to blog posts after copious amounts of Jack to get rid of a migraine, huh? I might make more sense then.:-)

    Like

  49. Ducks in paper hats? It sounds like the cra cra train jumped its tracks and hasn’t been at the station for a while now…

    Like

    Susiel Lindau recently posted Use Me and Abuse Me Day – Parisian Rave Edition.

  50. I love the final 2 messages in that series! HA HA HA!

    Like

    thedoseofreality recently posted Pinterest Nightmare #315: Elliptical Machine Desk.

  51. DH Lawrence reminds me of Charles Manson. Yikes.

    Like

    chickens consigliere recently posted Other People's Stuff.

  52. …on that duck party thing:

    SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY?

    Well, then…ok. Because NOTHING about that party screams unserious.

    I’m a bit surprised you didn’t inquire. Ducks or no ducks.

    Like

    Carrie recently posted Now, I don’t suggest you pick a fight with a chicken but if you do…just know it’s gonna totally turn your day around..

  53. I love autocorrect. Exactly for this reason.

    Like

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Year number THREE!.

  54. The best part of keeping a breeding flock of chickens is that I can say “would you like to see my cock ?” Without even batting an eye.

    Like

    Holly Folly recently posted The Gravel Truck Got Stuck in Our Driveway AGAIN..

  55. no shirt! I wish my phone could read my mind and just play dead at the appropriate time (or inappropriate time, whichever)

    Like

    Brian recently posted unconcsiously on a Sunday.

  56. My husband once texted me that he was “Saving you some gator tits.”

    After laughing during a meeting for about 10 minutes (because I had to share with everyone around me) he retexted, “Tator tots.” Best text. Ever.

    Like

  57. Cocks, docks and decks DO actually have something in common. Size matters.

    Like

    Shelley J recently posted My love/hate relationship with back to school.

  58. My husband just leaves the texts the way they come out. He knows that will assure that I will call him to ask him, “What the fuck???”

    I think he just wants to hear my loving voice!!!

    Like

  59. Yeah, not sure I would have even thought you had made a mistake there. Beyonce is obviously the first thing that should come to everyone’s mind…

    Like

  60. Hurray for Beyonce’s meteoric rise from obscurity in a discount store! No doubt there’s never been a prouder owner of a finer cock! (Tee hee)

    Like

  61. The ballet dancers were great, but am I the only terrified for the fate of the dancers in stiletto heels? One of them has to land on a metal grate! I wanted to close my eyes, but then I remembered that they’ve already finished the jump. Some time ago.

    Still.
    Stilettos.

    Like

  62. A good friend and another friend’s daughter are in the ballet pictures! I love all of those shots, but especially the Catholic school girl, my friends dayghter and my friend who is the teacher. The photographer came to her school and shot the photo in her classroom with her classmates and teacher!

    Like

  63. LOVE that Beyonce is next to one of Allie Brosh’s drawings. You ladies rock!

    Like

    Brenna recently posted Remember how yesterday I did a dumb thing and there were no consequences?.

  64. Deck, dock, the dead mouse ran up the cock. Sing it with me, y’all. LOUDER!

    Like

  65. Today I discovered that iPhone makes no attempt to autocorrect “Belieber” to “believer” (ok, yes, I WAS texting “Belieber” but that was only after my sister called me a “One Directioner” when we were both feeling particularly OLD while watching this year’s MTV VMAs…dammit). Now all I can do is sit and wait until I try to use “believer” in a text & it changes it on me without my noticing…. ha

    Like

  66. You can turn off autocorrect, but that would not be nearly as entertaining.

    Like

  67. You need a stuffed anteater so you can recreate the ‘fuck you, I’m an anteater’ meme. That. Would. Be. Awesome.

    Like

    Ragemichelle recently posted Fuck You, Stuart Smalley.

  68. Oh, I love Freudian text slips.

    Once I wrote to my boss: Can you please go fuck yourself and stick a giant tape recorder in your ass so as to record your verminous monologues?

    But I meant to write: Running 5 min late. Sorry!:)

    Like

    Damien recently posted Talks.

  69. @whatimeant,

    well, texas IS a community property state… and most wives are quite well acquainted with the concept of “what’s mine is mine and what’s your is mine.” put those two together and…

    Like

  70. Apparently, you and your phone have “cock” on the brain!

    Like

    Claire recently posted My Body Manifesto.

  71. Damn you, autocorrect! Hilarious!

    Like

    Cara Lyn Erickson recently posted They Really Should Start Calling ERs “Luxury Spas”.

  72. Your phone clearly has an agenda to embarrass you.

    Like

    Diana recently posted An Ode to Justin Timberlake.

  73. When my phone attempts to incorrectly auto-correct something that I am typing… I usually find myself saying the offending word outloud, to my phone, as I’m re-typing it for the 5th time…. you know, since my phone can actually hear me and comprehend what I am saying to it and stuff…

    Like

    Kim recently posted How to Make Your Friends Temporarily Hate You….

  74. The only thing worse than auto-correct is the Swype feature. Really is “ghig” a word? I don’t care what the phone thinks my fingers are saying, this isn’t a word!

    Like

    Heidi recently posted Life Unscheduled.

  75. It’s making me all anxious that you had 22 other unread texts.

    Like

  76. Ain’t technology grand? It makes our lives so much easier…

    Like

    Dana the Biped recently posted A Series of Unfortunate Eve--Wait. That title's already taken..

  77. Look, you can’t have a blog post about buying a cock for your cock and then act all surprised the next day that your phone autocorrects to “cock.” It’s pretty obvious that you have more cocks in your life than the average person.

    Like

    Marianne recently posted Separation Anxiety.

  78. 80
    Lady Penelope

    The pic of the ballet dancer in the book store is EXACTLY how I feel when finding a new book that I just *know* will become one of my instant favourites!

    Like

  79. I love your “kick ass stuff I pinned” series! Will steal all your shit! Haha!!

    Like

    Sab recently posted I WANT TO TRAVEL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE - 15 TRAVEL BLOGGERS TELL HOW TO DO IT.

  80. I wish my phone had a breathalyzer attached.

    Like

  81. I’ve thought about switching to the iPhone just so I could have some crazy auto-corrects, too. I feel left out.

    Like

    Karen Peterson recently posted Firmoo--Free Glasses!.

  82. My husband and I just finished listening to your audio book, and then we saw a news article about this, and he thought you might like it for when zombies attack:)

    http://smartproducttechnology.com/pricing/custom-pill-capsule-shape-urban-foxhole

    Like

  83. As if his film biography wasn’t bad enough, now he’s bedevilling you from beyond the veil?
    You need an exorcist, Jenny!

    Like

    The Hook recently posted Guest Post: The Hook offers up some travel advice.

  84. You really need to send that in to damnyouautocorrect.com — that one might make their “best of” list.

    Like

  85. Wonder if you had not corrected if anybody would have been expecting to see Victor’s goods.

    Like

    Vivian recently posted Our snow chicken is 21.

  86. That creative spend article is one of the best things I’ve read lately. Next thing you know, someone will write their thesis about your blog and its influence on society.

    Like

  87. Weird, but like 3 days ago I was looking at my cat and thinking, “someday I’m going to know what’s going on in his head.” [Someday, meaning after I’m dead and can look back at the history of humanity and animaldom and see how the hell it all fits together.] And suddenly it was clear to me that if I knew what was going on in Mannie’s head *right now* I would probably be horribly disappointed! Because I imagine that he is loving and witty and sarcastic and a little dark, but he’s probably just incredibly manic and annoying, like “shadow!…thirsty/drink!….pet me!….shadow!” Or worse yet, there’s really nothing going on. No cat language or awareness or sentient thought. We are maybe better off not knowing.

    Like

  88. And don’t come over expecting to see our dick either, you sick bastards!!!

    Like

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