I blame the rickets.

I’m on day 7 of this mandatory low-carb, low-sugar diet-for-not-dying and everyone told me that I’d have the I-want-to-stab-everyone-carb-detox-flu for a few days, but then after that I’d have lots of energy and the cravings would lessen and they are right because now I have enough energy to loudly whine about how much I miss egg rolls rather than just whisper it softly to whichever pet is nearest.  Also, the cravings have lessened but I’m not sure it’s because I’ve beaten my addiction to carbs and sugar or if I’ve just given up on life and my brain is now huddled in a corner, angrily eating cilantro while yelling, “OH I CAN’T EVEN HAVE FRUIT ON THIS DIET? AWESOME.  I’LL JUST GET SCURVY THEN?  GREAT. THAT WILL FIX EVERYTHING.”

In an act of solidarity, Victor has decided to go on the diet with me, which seems incredibly sweet except that it seems crazy easy for him and he’s a dude so he basically doesn’t eat a sandwich for one afternoon and loses 87 pounds and becomes immortal.  Plus, when I whine about how HE HAS NO IDEA HOW HARD THIS IS he just raises an eyebrow, but I’m pretty sure that it’s harder for me because now I have rickets from not eating fruit.  I assume.

Also, I’m finding out that basically everything has hidden carbs and sugar in them and even foods that would feel like a punishment to eat are off limits for me.  Like, carrots.  I don’t even like carrots and I’m not allowed to eat them.  At this point I assume rain, oxygen, and forgetting to take your clothes out of the washer are all full of carbs and maybe I should just go on an all-heroin diet.  Except people really seem to love heroin so I assume it must be high in sugar or gluten.

Also, I went to my shrink today and the waiting room was completely packed and  it was very bleak and serious and I was looking on twitter and the top trend was telling me that today is #NationalEatWhatYouWantDay BECAUSE OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS and it seemed so ridiculous that I got the funeral-giggles (when you start laughing in an inappropriate setting and then trying not to laugh makes you laugh more and then you start snorting and you can’t stop because you’re in a giggle-loop-of-inappropriatness and so you just pretend to be crying because it’s easier to explain) and then everyone in the waiting room looked at me like I was insane and I was like, “Don’t judge me.  Y’all are crazy too” but then I realized that most of them were people who were there giving rides to other patients.  Also I’d brought a bunch of copies of YOU ARE HERE so I could give one to my shrink and leave the rest in the waiting room like Gideon Bible’s for crazy people but then I was worried that kids might see them and there’s some light cursing inside so I decided to just bring them all in to my shrink so she could just give them to unoffendable people who were having a hard time, but it looked to the outside world like I was carrying multiple copies of the exact same coloring book, which seems a bit insane.  So then I explained to the waiting room, “I made these” and everyone tried to avoid eye contact except for an elderly man sitting next to me who was all, “Well did you now?  Good for you” but in a sort of frightened/unintentionally condescending way, and it just now dawned on me that everyone was probably thinking that I was just bragging about coloring the exact same coloring book over and over and that I was probably bringing them into my shrink to show her that I could stay inside the lines.  Except that I can’t stay inside the lines and all of these books were obviously untouched and the spines weren’t even cracked so it looked even crazier and basically I think I scared everyone in the waiting room.  But also I probably made thems feel better about themselves (or their crazy loved one) because they weren’t hysterically cry-laughing to themselves while holding a stack of identical uncolored coloring books that they were bringing to show their psychiatrist.

PS.  My friend sent me this gif and this corgi is my new patronas:

“OH I DON’T NEED REAL FOOD. I’LL JUST LIVE ON THIS RAW CABBAGE.  I’M SO HAPPY. THIS IS FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE.”

PPS. I’m not sure if this makes sense.  Sorry.  I blame the rickets.

203 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I wanna hang out with you. Every day.

    Liked by 11 people

  2. This makes way more sense than anything else happening right now. Also. Awesome patronas.

    Liked by 4 people

    marydpierce recently posted Strange Tableau.

  3. Diet is just “die” with a T on the end, you know.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. #NationalEatWhatYouWantDay? WTF? I declare tomorrow #NationalFartOnYourBossDay. Get this trending, Jenny. I know you can do it, even with rickets.

    Liked by 2 people

    desertcurmudgeon recently posted Those Who Do Not.

  5. I’ve had corgis and they will eat ANYTHING. Except soy sausages. Nothing will eat those.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. It’s easier for Victor because he’s cheating. I am 100% sure of this, so feel free to punish him accordingly.

    Also, I have a friend who, among her other allergies and sensitivities, cannot eat tomatoes because they cause terrible arthritis flare-ups. Did you know tomatoes are cheap and therefore manufacturers put them in everything? I feel your pain, is my point. But mostly the Victor thing.

    Liked by 5 people

    actualconversationswithmyhusband recently posted Not Even Karaoke.

  7. Gee, I wish I could be like Victor and lose weight by avoiding sandwiches. Sadly I like puff pastry too much.

    Liked by 1 person

    Gary Lum recently posted Birthday treats from work mates.

  8. That corgi feels about cabbage how I used to feel when my roommate cooked cabbage. I feel you, corgi friend.

    You totally make sense. I understood this whole post. You’re just as crazy as I am. I’m not sure if that’s reassuring or not?

    Like

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted The latest on our little ninja.

  9. Wow, I’ve never seen any one/thing hate cabbage so much. I can relate

    Like

  10. I’m on the same type of diet. I feel great, but this afternoon wanted to chew off my daughter’s arm to get at the forkful of pasta in her hand.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Did you get the giggle-loop reference from UK Couples show? That episode makes me cry with laughter.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. 13
    Chris Zee

    I ❤ you so much. We’ll likely never meet, but you speak all the words and fears in my head in ways that let me (and so many others) know we’re not alone.
    Also, gummie multi-vitamins have both sugar AND carbs, but they keep the rickets away,
    signed,
    Allergic to fruit

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I’m sorry you can’t eat what you want on eat what you want day.

    You know that means that once the crummy diet is over you can eat whatever you want for at least three days. I’m pretty sure that’s the law.

    I hope you feel better, and if you don’t feel better that at least you don’t feel guilty for feeling bad.

    Liked by 1 person

    Sheila recently posted Mortar and Brick and Stone.

  14. I’ve been on a LCHF/ Keto way of eating for a month and I’ve never felt better. Bacon for the win.

    Liked by 2 people

    Meg Falconer-Robinson recently posted There’s a spider carcass in my car..

  15. Fun fact: Squeezing half a lime in your gin and tonic combats scurvy AND malaria!!! Or add it to your rum ration. Your call.

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Jenny, I am DELIBERATELY on one of those low carb diets and I am 2 weeks in and I’ve said some pretty nasty things around lunch time each day. To myself. Because I stay at home, but I am going to attack a slice of bread in a couple of weeks and it will likely be an unsliced loaf of bread I’m just calling a ‘slice’ to make myself feel better about it.

    Liked by 2 people

    jenndesi recently posted Physical Retraining.

  17. Hi, Jenny! Your diet sounds intense! Do you have any meal plans or recipes you could share? I hate cooking, but I need to cut the carbs/sugars to lose over 125 pounds. I am incredible stressed about it, which is fabulous for my anxiety and sleep disorders, as well as metabolism, right? sigh I invoke your patronus and hope I can do this, too! Congrats on a week of it!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Important information for Victor: I once met person who had transitioned from male to female and she told me that, having experienced both sides of diets, craving, weight gain and moodiness, she could say with certainty that everything on that list was harder when you are a woman. She didn’t have a speck of moodiness or cravings or gain weight when she was a man. I have always been a woman and I agree with her.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. THE GIGGLE LOOP!! BBC Coupling. Omg, I must find this clip…WHY CAN’T I FIND IT?!

    Liked by 2 people

  20. So needed your humor today! I think cleaning litter boxes is also full of carbs and gluten, right? And so is giving a fuck, I hear

    Like

  21. You’re right, Jenny–the Universe IS trying to torture you with these faux-holidays. Well, if anyone can declare a holiday, I declare tomorrow to be “Hey-Universe-Quit-Shitting-On-Jenny-and-Maybe-Give-the-Rest-of-Us-a-Fucking-Break-Too Day”, eh? (Hush, now–I have Canadian ancestors on both sides, so I can use “eh” all I want to.) And yes, everything does have carbs, because hello? you can’t live without eating some carbs, so your doctor needs to calm down and stop getting you wound up, because those of us w/GAD are wound up enough anyway, thankyouverymuch. Anyway, consider yourself tucked in w/a fluffy pink blanket, and tell Victor to start looking for dark chocolate made w/stevia or some such–someone out there has GOT to have made something like that for low-carb diets, and it sounds like you need chocolate baaaaaaaaaaaad.

    Liked by 2 people

  22. Oh hey! So just a note about cravings eventually going away on a low carb/low sugar diet? For normal people that’s totally true but if you happen to have PTSD? NOPE! PTSD makes your body crave greasy/fatty foods and sugar so there’s that fun aspect of it.

    And I’m not sure if you have a list of things you can and can’t eat or if they just said “Carbs bad” but generally on low carb diets if the carbs are fiber they don’t count against your carb limit. Just in case it wasn’t specific list. Though even if it’s not a specific list because it’s a medical thing you still might want to check with them if you want to eat fiber things because I’d hate to be the one that told you it was okay and then have you die and be responsible for ridding the world of your fabulousness.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. I feel your pain, diets are yuck, but you are one of my favorite people’s and even though we have never met in person, I feel like you understand and it makes this world not so crazy!

    Like

    Sin recently posted LeeLee day 2017.

  24. 25
    Anonymous

    No but really, if I saw you in the waiting room I’d like to believe I’d ask you about the books and basically win the random weirdo lottery and maybe even get a coloring book too although I’m really still on my first page if you can believe that, so I really wouldn’t deserve it.

    Like

  25. Rickets is vitamin D, scurvy is vitamin C. Vitamin c is what comes from the fruit yoy can’t eat. So you’re probably safe from rickets and turning blue. Might want to be careful brushing your teeth for a while though.

    Liked by 1 person

    Cassie Steger recently posted a bit of joy.

  26. Jenny,
    I went off gluten a few years back and bread had been my absolute most favorite thing all my life. It was like withdrawal from a drug, it was so hard. Worth it in the long run, but I do know all too well what you are going through and you have my utter sympathy. And Victor is a Prince for doing it with you.
    and……..Thank you thank you for the corgi/cabbage gif!!! OMG I laughed at that!
    It gave me my first, possibly only, laugh today and it was a GOOD laugh! I’m gonna keep that on my desktop and look at it every day! The vicious look on that dog’s face! “I’m gonna KILL that cabbage!”
    Today has been a seriously down day for me, so it never occurred to me that I could laugh. But then YOU came along.
    I love you, Jenny. I hope some day I can give you a hug.

    Liked by 3 people

  27. No but really, if I saw you in the waiting room I’d like to believe I’d ask you about the books and basically win the random weirdo lottery and maybe even get a coloring book too although I’m really still on my first page if you can believe that, so I really wouldn’t deserve it.

    Like

  28. Googling rickets because everytime I hear of a new disease I think I have I have too!

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Gena: And that’s why the Brits are sometimes called “Limeys”–because supposedly someone figured that trick out, and so ships starting carrying limes (or citrus fruit in general) for their crew to eat or squeeze into their rum ration so they wouldn’t get scurvy (which is also why you hear talk of pirates and “scurvy knaves”; it was literally true all too often). There’s also the urban legend that, after the Battle of Trafalgar, Lord Nelson’s body was preserved in a cask of rum on its way home to England, but when they finally came ashore, the keg was dry due to sailors (who presumably didn’t know the Admiral was inside) tapping it for drinks on the way, hence the expression “tapping the admiral”. (Supposing the story were to be true, the condition of the body would depend on at what point in the voyage the keg was first tapped, and how long it took to run dry; if the answers were “early on” and “rather quickly”, then I daresay the poor bastards in London who uncrated him were put off rum for life…and I’ll shut up now. Yes, this is how my mind works ALL THE DAMN TIME.)

    Liked by 4 people

  30. 31
    Vamprayne

    I love you Jenny. Can we be best friends? And hang out together? And by together I mean at the same time in the same universe. I can’t eat anything either.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. No but really, if I saw you in the waiting room I’d like to believe I’d ask you about the books and basically win the random weirdo lottery and maybe even get a coloring book too although I’m really still on my first page if you can believe that, so I wouldn’t deserve it.

    Like

    it's nothing, really recently posted over again.

  32. 33
    Judy Decker

    Carb/sugar addiction goes away? Nope. Nope and Nope.
    Addiction is FOREVER! Love your writing!

    Liked by 1 person

  33. 34
    Nicole W.

    I haven’t had gluten in more than two years. Sometimes when my family orders pizza I dream that I get up in the middle of the night and eat all the leftovers and then everything else in the house. The cravings never go away. Good luck with your diet.

    Like

  34. I have been off carbs for 41 days while my RA is flaring and the steroids are making me crazy. I saw a child eating some of those chicken flavored crackers in the grocery store today and I had to hold back from grabbing the box from her. Somehow a box of donuts got in my cart and those fuckers went home with me!

    Liked by 2 people

  35. Oh my gosh, I love your posts. This one made me laugh so much my husband was like what are you reading. He cracked up when I read it to him.
    I think the corgi is my spirit animal.
    Thank you for being the bright spot in my day.

    Liked by 1 person

  36. You are so funny!! Never stop writing😋

    Like

  37. 38
    Anonymous

    Thank you. I have just frightened the people outside my office by laughing until I cried and then I sent this to my daughter who has sworn off sugar and has been rewarded with a multi-day migraine. You are such a blessing. I am sorry you are a crazed, rickety, snarling corgi, but you can come to Nashville and be my friend any time you want. (also I am her Victor and am not eating sugar in solidarity, but it has just made me cross, not given me a migraine.)

    Liked by 1 person

  38. 39
    Anonymous

    TBH you are overly whining. Google kids dying in Syria. We all love ya but it sort of feels like codependent enabling.

    Try some form of medical marijuana. It’s come a long way since your baby doll head experience. No carbs!

    Like

  39. I have a kick ass recipe for egg roll bowls. It’s just the insides of the eggroll so they are low carb and don’t require you to roll and fry eggrolls. It cuts out all the tediousness of making eggrolls.

    Liked by 2 people

  40. You make me laugh my ass off!!

    Like

    mylifeiswear.com recently posted This Is MY Blog!.

  41. Makes perfect sense. And it’s time for me to go back to my asshole shrink that said my depression was my fault because I need more meds, so I called another Dr to see if I could go see him instead because he’s not all judgey. Wish me luck. 🤞🏻🤞🏻

    Like

  42. I can relate to the hysterical cry- laughing in a big way. My sister and I bring it out in each other; which sucks when you are in the first row of the church, and everyone can see you. I like to think that my mom got a kick out of it though, since it was her funeral.
    Absofuckinglutely true.

    Liked by 3 people

  43. I did the low-carb, low-sugar diet and it made me so stabby!!! I don’t want to live in a world where strawberries are bad.

    Like

  44. 45
    Anonymous

    I’m eating the Keto diet way now which is basically no sugar, carbs, but fat is ok. Some days it’s ok, some days it’s hard. I know it sucks but you make me smile so much even though I had a shitty day. P.S. I worry about scurvy too. P.P.S. There are lots of low carb recipes that use almond and coconut flour that really saved my bacon. P.P.P.S I love corgis but have no Patronus. If I did I bet it would be something ridiculous.

    Like

  45. Jenny, there are some great low carb/keto recipe blogs out there. One that comes to mind is Ibreatheimhungry. Look up some recipes for fat bombs. They’re generally delicious ways to help satisfy some cravings. The benefit to low carb is that you can do higher fat stuff without an issue.

    Liked by 1 person

  46. I am 4 days into low carb. I want a goddamn piece of bread. Also, my insomnia appears to be lessening.

    Liked by 1 person

    Michelle recently posted Fierce.

  47. I love and worship you sweet lady! Thanks for putting into words my diet experiences. You weren’t hiding in the bushes taking notes were you?

    Like

  48. Oh, good …national something else day…isnt every day something now…HTH did that even ever start….but having said all of that..I like this national eat whatever you want day…I had chips and salsa for lunch and dinner…BOOM!!

    Like

    The Hellion recently posted Can We Ever Really Get Our Sh*t Together?.

  49. I think you’d do better in these situations and just said “Don’t you know who I am?! I’m Jenny Lawson!”
    Now off to go color in my book, which I didn’t make, but will be taking in to me psychiatrist as proof of me doing my me time stuff that I totally forgot the word for.

    Like

  50. Ugh! I started the same diet about the same time to level off my blood sugar and lose some weight. I’ve gnawed off my arm a couple of times. I’ve never had so many people offer me stuff I can’t eat. I am not in a good mood. PS Victor is cheating. on Food. He probably just looks at a celery stick and loses weight. Will this ever end!

    Like

  51. 52
    CanadianDot

    Me on a diet: “I will eat every single calorie available to me and how can I game the system to put more food in my mouth?!”
    Hubby on a diet: “Oh yeah, there were free sandwiches at lunch so I had one and now I don’t need supper and look I lost 20 lbs!”
    Also, lovely Bloggess, I am so grateful for you.

    Like

  52. Do you ever go walking? Sometimes it’s hard to get outta the house or even outta bed but it sure takes the mind off the problems. Headphones and your fave music or audio book. Go incognito if you gotta. Jackie O sunglasses and scarf.

    Like

  53. I am on this diet too because it help my narcolepsy, What saved my life (or sanity…same difference) was baking dessert with almond flour.!!!!

    Like

  54. If you were in my shrink’s office bragging about coloring inside the lines and snorting it would have made my “darn” year. Thank you for sharing your furiously happy life with us. You inspire me to snort in public and not give crap what people think. Thank you.

    Like

  55. I’m also on a low sugar diet (though I can have lots of high-fiber carbs) on purpose because my body hates sugar but my mouth LURVES it. It’s been a few months now and the cravings have gotten manageable mostly though I break down occasionally like today when my 12 yr old decided he had to bake so now I’ve had a half-dozen snickerdoodles and my stomach is gonna be in agony tonight but it was kinda worth it. Usually I just allow myself tastes of things (and I have have dark chocolate which helps so much!) but it’s mostly annoying =P

    Hope you start to feel better enough that the lack of carbs is worth it =D

    Like

  56. I felt the same way when I had to stop eating gluten–all I wanted was a loaf of bread and I’ve never really eaten bread before. Also, I had the funeral giggles at an actual funeral–Ken and I were looking at his uncle, and Ken decided at that moment to comment on the coffin, saying, very solemnly, “Look at that fine woodgrain”, which almost put me over the edge.

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    mydangblog recently posted My Week 137: Moving Stress, Teenager Reviews Movies.

  57. I tell this to anyone who will listen: I’M ALLERGIC TO MAMMAL PRODUCTS BECAUSE A FREAKY TICK BIT ME AND NOW I DIE IF I EAT BACON. This is 100% truth. I thought I would lose weight, but here I am, 4 years later, living solely on carbs and weighing 900 pounds.

    Also, for some reason I always do embarrassing shit in the shrink’s office. Like rearrange her wonky-ass bookshelves, then put them back in case it was a test.

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    Steph recently posted And This is Why I Carry a Sword.

  58. I hope it gets better soon. I tried going low carb once and I wanted to stab everybody with a fork.

    In fact, I’m on a diet now. And by diet, I mean “I pretty much eat what I want but I record my caloric consumption with MyFitnessPal.com”. Which still makes me stabby because some logorithm or whatever somewhere says I can only have 1200 calories per day. Which is making me stabby, because I’m always hungry. And it sucks.

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    mommatrek recently posted Sometimes I hate the way my body works.

  59. Damn those rickets.

    Like

  60. I’ve done the South Beach diet – no carbs, no sugar, low fat (no bacon). The cravings NEVER go away. That’s just a big fat lie they tell you to make you feel weird when you’re still feeling stabby 6 weeks in.

    Your new patronus is life personified.

    Like

  61. So having had funera-giggles at alseveral funerals (including my dads – but a yellow MM was involved so… it was his funeral and I’ll giggle if I want to), I can related to the giggling and over sharing and the judgy looks. Also Victor is my husbands spririt animal – since they both loose weight just by looking at carrots for 5 seconds. I want the corgi as a pet…

    Like

  62. 63
    Anonymous

    Are people seriously still doing variations of Atkins?? Stop ladies!!! Carbs carbs blah blah blah. You can have 40 g a day or something.

    Like

  63. I get sick when I eat sugar or gluten because I have UC, which means I vacilates between not eating either for awhile but then gorging myself and hiding in the bathroom for days. Today I decided to drink vodka instead. Haven’t taken evening meds…..um wondering if it will kill me? Vodka with my meds, Sugar or gluten ?!!!! Which is worse?! I love your Corgi patronas….. I haven’t discovered mine yet……

    Like

  64. 65
    Renee Wheeler

    Thank you for your absolutely right-on account of how you’re feeling about the low-carb no sugar diet. I have been TRYING to get off sugar for a while now. I last about 3 days tops, then say “fuck it” and head to the Dollar Store for Hot Tomales and Sugar Babies! I’m a loser – but I’m in good company.😜

    Liked by 1 person

  65. I had to reduce or eliminate soy after my breast cancer diagnosis and there is soy in EVERYTHING. Every. Damn. Thing.

    Like

    Kelly's Cancer Beat Down Blog recently posted Breast Cancer is Something I Shared With My Mom, Posthumously.

  66. I hear you! I went on South Beach to loose some weight. No carbs and no sugar for three weeks. They said three because otherwise you’d get bored and cranky. Well I felt great and kept that up for six months! I lost a lot of weight and that kept me not cranky but I sure did get bored. My own fault for not mixing it up a little. So look into the South Beach Diet books. They have some great recipes. Even for ketchup…who knew ketchup had sugar??? Good luck! You WILL feel better, I’m sure of it.

    Like

  67. Omg are you doing keto?! I just started keto in early March! It sucks at first but for me but when you get into ketosis you feel like you took the worlds greatest antidepressant! It gets better I promise.

    Like

  68. I’m on this diet. You know what i miss? Crackers. I want cheese WITH crackers… not just cheese. I love cheese, but I’m tired of it melted into and on top of all the things. I know this is blasphemy, I’d apologize, but I’m not myself of late. All the meals look the same to these days. My husband, he’s reacting to it pretty much as your guy. No biggie and I’m pretty sure he’s is the size he was when I met him. >:/ It was a relief to see that I’m not the only one who had this reaction to low carb/keto. Thank you for sharing.

    Like

  69. That was the best laugh I’ve had in quite a while. Thank you, Jenny. ❤

    Like

  70. Speaking of cabbage (but not Corgis — wow, that is one reactive dog!), I use the raw outer leaves as “bread” for sandwiches (they hold up better than lettuce leaves). I also put my cooked egg roll fillings in them and can sort of fake myself out. Not really an egg roll, but better than nothing. Same for tacos. Thin omelets work OK as wraps too, but I suck at making them.

    I’m able to eat 6 strawberries or 1/4 cantaloupe per day on my very strict low-carb diet. I wonder if your doc will let you have these. They’re pretty low on the glycemic index.

    My therapist’s new office is in a building that has a giant sign that says PSYCHIATRY in VERY LARGE LETTERS on the front and is on one of the busiest streets in our city. I cringe every time I walk up the steps to the entrance because I know that at least 50 people are passing by at the same time thinking that I’m batshit crazy (of course, I’m not saying they’re wrong…).

    Like

  71. Can we sic that corgi on the people who keep claiming you can replace all the things that taste good with zucchini and it will be the same? I saw one the other day that was, I shit you not, “zucchini nachos.” Zucc. Hini. Nachos. (Kill, little Corgissima. And make them suffer.)

    Like

  72. My ex-brother-in-law’s crazy girlfriend tried to commit suicide by swallowing a handful of over-the-counter sleeping pills once when I had come for a visit. I called Poison Control who said to call an ambulance. We did that but 3 huge policemen showed up first and made my brother-in-law ‘BACK OFF 3 METERS, SIR!’ It was so much like an episode of “Cops” that I almost started to laugh because I’ve never been in a situation like this before. Laughing during a suicide attempt is so outrageous I started to actually laugh – only someone truly evil would laugh in this situation, right? I covered my mouth but my eyes started to laugh too and my bro-in-law saw me trying to control myself and HE started to laugh! Then we were both laughing but trying not to laugh because THIS WAS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT and it’s the last thing we should be doing!! The police took the crazy girlfriend to the hospital (evidently eating a handful of OTC Sleeping Pills isn’t life threatening enough to warrant an ambulance) where they made her eat charcoal juice and by the time B-I-L and I arrived her lips were all black and we lost it again! We had to walk outside again to try to compose ourselves but every time we saw her black lips we would lose it again. And we couldn’t stop thinking of horrible things like a T-Shirt that said ‘I tried to commit suicide and all I got was Charcoal Juice’. We were committing one atrocity after another as our minds tried to come to grips with what was happening.

    Afterwards, someone explained to me that people can have some bizarre reactions in times of stress. Since then, I always try to explain that I am subject to uncontrollable bouts of hysterical laughter and totally inappropriate jokes if I get stressed out. Thankfully, I’ve never been in such a fraught situation again.

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    Mrs. Completely recently posted An Alien Broke the Car – Friday Fictioneers.

  73. The diet is easier for Victor because he’s not trying to do it while he’s sick and debilitated. You already feel awful and then they take all the carbs away! I have celiac disease and have been gluten free for fourteen years and dairy free for eleven. It sucked epically at the beginning. I felt so crappy already and then I had to give up all the food I loved. But, it gets better and regaining your health is worth it even though I wouldn’t have believed it either when I was half-dead and hungry and enraged.

    Like

  74. You can still eat cheese though can’t you. Trying eating savory biscuits, like crackers and stuff. They are very low sugar.

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  75. I’m fairly certain we are soulmates. Let’s complain together.

    Like

  76. 77
    cherelle64

    You can make low-carb crackers with shredded Parmesan cheese. Use the fresh stuff, not the green can. Spread it onto a cookie sheet and bake until crisp. When it cools snap it into cracker-sized bites of deliciousness!

    Also Jenny, I love you!

    Like

  77. 79
    mrldctygrl

    It will get better! It will! Don’t cave, you’re almost there!!!

    Like

  78. 80
    Anonymous

    Please don’t every stop writing. You make me laugh. And that is a big deal.

    Like

  79. Our Whole Family is in the whole30 diet, so when the stabbing starts, it will be interesting to see who’s left. Oh, wait, we have 3 dogs and 2 cats. That’s who’ll be left. And they didn’t even have to suffer through this stupid diet, I so feel your pain.

    Like

  80. 82
    Anonymous

    I have a great egg, sausage and cheese casserole recipe. I need to remember…NO luquids when reading your stuff…
    That ‘funeral laughing snorting’ thing almost killed me!!

    Like

  81. OMG I’d get stabby if anyone took away my carbs and sugar. Thank you for bring laughter into my day!

    Like

  82. Oh, Jenny, I can’t even tell you how I adore you. I read your posts as if you are speaking really quickly and it just makes them even better (I’ve listened to your first two books on audio so I kinda have your voice in my head which makes it triple better!) I look forward to your posts, albeit I do worry that we are all laughing while you are suffering. We laugh because we care and because we are suffering too. Today has been a shit day and I don’t think it’s going to get better, but you and everyone who posted replies are the bright spot. Love to you all!

    Like

  83. What is with so many corgis?! On a message board, on your blog, walking down the street (with their people). Is there a message?

    And this no-carb trendy bendy thing is nonsense. Simple carbs are basically junk but complex ones? Good4us.

    Like

  84. Anyway, corgi or loaf of bread? https://m.imgur.com/gallery/9IqWNIw

    Like

  85. Sorry, but the folks responding here with comments about how great the no/low carb diet is making them feel, or the wonders of the Atkins diet, or posting “helpful” recipes that contain oodles and oodles of carbs, etc, make me feel very, very stabby.

    I’m gluten-free because I HAVE to be. It’s not a diet. It hasn’t translated to even an ounce of weight loss. And it doesn’t make me feel GREAT. It just keeps me from feeling like that creature from Alien is thrashing around whilst trying to eat its way out of my intestines.

    It’s taken years to get my system to some semblance of feeling like things are normal, because of all the damage done before going gluten-free. It’s a complete and utter pain in the ass (no pun intended); I am that annoying person who has to check every goddamned label, ask the waiter if the salad dressing is safe, insist on NOT going to certain restaurants because I know nothing is safe on the menu while friends give me imploring/disbelieving looks (they can go anywhere and eat any damn thing any damn time they want, and yet they’ll guilt trip me because I don’t want to go to a restaurant where I can only safely drink the water while watching them eat!).

    sorry for the rant. This was meant to be supportive. People can be so incredibly dumb about medically necessary dietary restrictions.

    My hope for you is that it’s not truly necessary, that the elimination diet will show that it’s not the solution, and you can move on to something less torturous and more productive. I’m not knocking the elimination diet — it’s what docs do all the time to try to find the culprit. It’s how I found out that my body can’t handle wheat, barley, etc…But it’s also how I found out that eliminating dairy doesn’t seem to have any beneficial effect for me (yay!)

    Love to commenter Katy who noted that a transitioned friend discovered that diet-related stuff really IS harder if you’re a woman! Take THAT, Victor! ; )

    Like

  86. That corgi is awesome. And your therapy waiting room story made me laugh on a day when nothing has, so thank you for that. I’m struggling with depression a bit at the moment, but then again I am allowed to eat whatever I want so I won’t complain too much.

    Like

  87. ugh.. i ate like a fat pig today. i feel horrible. it was so good. but at the same time, i have ruined any progress this week. today was a co-worker’s birthday, AND another girl’s last day.. so they got a cake that was marble with whipped topping.. and they were waiting until the girl was there (obviously) that was working her last day. she came in at 4. a lot of us left at 4. no cake had been cut. i was drooling over it at lunch.. with my cup of triple 0 yogurt and trail mix packet from my diet. cake is hard. i LOVE cake. i was mad that i had no cake. so i caved, and got some cakey like goodness from the convenience store. then i went home, and had toast. and cereal, and bread, and 2 more of my sweet treat packets from my diet. half of a leftover hamburger. and then, i made dinner. the only good thing with dinner was the broccoli. soooo tomorrow is another day. may i have no cravings, and make it through. (i have lost 50 lbs on this new diet to change my life, but i have a LONG way to go.. and i’ve put on and taken off the last 10 of that 50, at least 5x now.) sigh

    Like

  88. 90
    evilnewwargod

    “he’s a dude so he basically doesn’t eat a sandwich for one afternoon and loses 87 pounds and becomes immortal”

    This all I need to do to lose 87 pounds and become Immortal? Sweet!

    /makes a mental note to not eat a sandwich this afternoon

    Like

  89. 91
    Gunnhildur

    I’m laughing so hard my cats are concerned.
    Thank you Jenny.
    I needed that.

    Like

  90. 92
    Collie Dog Press

    I think when one is reduced to a no carb no sugar diet attacking people and cabbages is the appropriate response. And bless your heart for making all those people in the office feel better about their lives 😉

    Like

  91. Bacon doesn’t have carbs. Neither does cheese or butter. If that’s any consolation. If this is the diet I’m thinking of it was called The Drinking Man’s Diet in the 60’s. Bourbon and barbecue count as diet foods. BUffalo chicken wings and blue cheese dressing–just not the carrots.

    Like

  92. You’ve (once again) put my day back into perspective. Sorry that doesn’t help your situation much…. but for what it’s worth I’m smiling this evening instead of crying.

    Like

  93. That Corgi is everything. Good luck combating the rickets.

    Like

    Shari recently posted New Article on Handmade Salve.

  94. “… he’s a dude so he basically doesn’t eat a sandwich for one afternoon and loses 87 pounds and becomes immortal.”
    THIS!
    This is the truth of weight loss.
    I’m a chick, so I basically look at a sandwich and gain 8 pounds and become unbearable.

    Liked by 1 person

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted RV Travels: 13 Ways You Know You’re in a Small Texas Town.

  95. HA!! This blog post is one for the ages. DAMN, do I wish I had been in that waiting room today. Those people have no clue how lucky they were today! Hysterical Jenny, like, I-can’t-fucking-breathe funny!! I LOVE YOUR BRAIN!!
    PS…what the hell are rickets??

    Like

    the incurable dreamer recently posted oh for pete’s sake.

  96. Literally crying laughing at the waiting room scene. It’s time we all just embrace our crazy!

    Like

  97. You are my favorite. Thank you! Thank you!

    Like

  98. The gif made me snort-laugh.

    Like

  99. I couldn’t even read this this to my husband (who loses 87 pounds at the drop of a hat) because I was laughing so damn hard.

    Like

  100. Hi Jenny thanks for the humour in your posts but ‘dying’ is a step too far for me, lost too many loved ones who would dearly love to still be here.
    Never hungry on my low carb/Atkins type eating after discovering Flaxmeal flour and Chia seeds. Superfoods that make great muffins and bread.
    Also give Organic Apple Cider Vinegar a go. Works miracles at resetting guts and just about everything else, great for weightloss. Its advertised all over the internet needs to be organic and have the mother strain in it. Take 2 tablespoons in a cup of water daily, a quarter before each meal and the last quarter at bedtime with a small protein snack. Tastes yucky but its like the elixir of life the way it improves your feeling of well being.
    Lindt Dark Chocolate, 90 percent Cocoa, break into squares, keep in the freezer, takes longer to suck, lol, a few squares each day is hardly any carbs, great health benefits, and feels like a treat.
    Cravings will go and new foods become normal and your health improve, so hang in.
    God Bless Nanny.

    Like

  101. 105
    Greg Massey

    Very glad to see that you’ve recovered enough to do some first-class righteous bitching.

    Like

  102. First wtf is with that corgi and cabbage. I hate cabbage and if anyone would tell me where he is I’ll send him all mine. Second when you said rickets I’m like that sounds like rocket the raccoons sketchy cousin. Oooohhh shit look out here comes rickets 🤷🏼‍♀️

    Like

  103. You are absolutely amazing and had me laughing hysterically at work. Try not to focus on the unattainable and make something really cool. You’re so talented I’ll bet you could make anything out of nothing. I wish I could think of offering something better but I’m talentless and sooo n not creative.
    I still adore you. {{{HUGS}}} 😉🐱🐈🐶🐕🐨

    Like

  104. I was “diagnosed” as allergic to corn and egg whites. NO. That was not it. But the test showed it. Do you know that EVERYTHING is made from corn and egg whites? Lucklily it turned out to be an autoimmune disorder instead. eyeroll Doctors don’t know everything.

    Like

  105. Protein is stupid. Sugar is awesome. I had to do the same diet (twice) and I did feel better after a while, but then sugar. Sugar came back and now I’m binging. Resist Jenny! Resist! Or don’t and tell Victor you did. He’s cheating when he leaves the house. If you have a craving you plan to give in to, check his glove box. You will find a secret stash of Fuzzy Peaches guaranteed. That is both sugar and fruit so you’ll be sailing the seas scurvy and rickets-free.

    Like

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted Waking Up is Hard To Do–A Parody.

  106. Have you read How Not to Die by Michael Greger, MD? I highly recommend!

    Like

  107. I think they might’ve thought that you bought all of those copies and that every time you buy something, you think you made it. You made Rory the raccoon, Jenny. You made him.

    Like

  108. 112
    Anonymous

    Oh for God’s sake! If I had known it was #NationalEatWhatYouWantDay, I wouldn’t have spent 2 hours cutting up cruciferous vegetables and clogging up my garbage disposal! Why do I always find things out too late? Sigh…

    Like

  109. Oh bless you for that corgi gif! Made me laugh so hard-wish I could pin it on my refrigerator. Sympathize with diet-but I will say, the only time I seriously have kicked ass dieting was when I went hard core no carb, no sugar. And yeah, after about a week, the cravings did go away, but I was appalled at how hard it was to eat correctly and not be starving. I eat some carbs now, really don’t like/want sugar, and if any weight comes back (like four pounds or so) I just go no carb till it is gone. Stay with it.

    Like

  110. ‘I made these’
    ‘suuuuuuure you did honey….’ (backing away slowly…)

    *lmao

    For the record, I just ate an entire black forest chocolate block. So wrong. I’m like that corgi but with chocolate. We don’t keep any chocolate at home. Problem is, I’m not at home right now….

    Like

  111. Carbohydrates perform essential functions in mood regulation or something like that. I tried a no-carb diet some years ago and felt like gnawing wood, pencils actually, and wanted some mashed potatoes so badly that I got some at lunch time, with gravy. It was a great relief, like getting a fix. Why are you on this crazy thing?

    Like

  112. If you still eat green veggies you’re safe from scurvy, and if you go out into the sun it’ll take care of vitamin d deficiency/rickets.
    If it’s not enough, supplements are your friend.Seriously. Take it from a diabetic who does have rickets, rheumatism, migraines, busted liver and kidneys, hypothyroidism and whatever else they haven’t tested for yet. When I started on the low carb thing I felt like the only thing safe to eat was air, and everything else was poison. But it does get better. And Victor might have it a little easier because he’s doing this of his own free will, for you. You’re doing it because you don’t have much of a choice, so yeah… You’ll be happy he’s with you on this. My husband tried my diet, but he’s really skinny already, so I have to cook seperate dinners with everything I can’t have anymore. Talk about feeling stabby! 😉 You’ll be okay, you can do this!

    Like

  113. 117
    Rachael rglanfield1@gmail.com

    Isn’t Cilantro ge herb in Viagra?

    Like

  114. Crap accidentally put my email address in the name bar! Everyone ignore that please

    Like

  115. 119
    Anonymous

    That corgi is the awesomest and you are stronger than you think you are.,

    Like

  116. Dear Jenny, if you can stick it out you will likely feel terrific and very, very hungry. Make sure you have plenty of bacon on hand so you can stay on track. The hunger did me in and I fell back into the sugar because I didn’t anticipate the hunger and how to satisfy it.. Wish I hadn’t fallen off the wagon as I felt so much better then but can’t seem to muster up the necessary strength of character to go through detox again.

    Like

  117. Food is my abusive ex-girlfriend. I know she’s no good for me. She makes me feel bad. But sometimes I need her. It’s like I can’t live without her. What can I say? I’m weak.

    Like

  118. Ditto to most above comments. It’s not fair that V loses 87 lbs in 1 day (WTF, Mother Nature and your biology baloney?(bologna?)?), but he’s just trying to be supportive. You are certainly stronger than you think so just hang in there, girl. (Dorothy Barker can help with her sly tongue and snuggley belly!)

    Like

  119. Didn’t realize I needed a laugh until I read this. Thank you. And funeral giggles are the best. ❤

    Like

  120. If you are following the Keto plan, get on Pinterest and look up recipes, especially for Fat Bombs. Also, remember that healthy fats are ok, so that means you can have all the avocados you want, girl! (Just don’t eat them with tortilla chips.) I eat an entire avocado when I have two scrambled eggs and bacon. You can also put avocados in smoothies and it’s delicious. Keto is not a limiting diet, I’ve found. You just have to rethink your choices. There are many recipes your family will enjoy, too. Good luck and hang in there. I’ve got many of your same health problems and my RA has really improved by changing my eating habits. I still get Actemra infusions once a month, but I don’t have to crawl in there for them like I used to.

    Like

  121. Sometimes you just make me laugh so much and this one might stay in my humour bank , I think 😃

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  122. 126
    Anonymous

    My friend is on the keto diet and added me to the “ketovangelist” Facebook page. It’s fascinating reading all the comments from people who not only have lost tons of weight really fast, but also are off their meds now for a large variety of ailments, including, would you believe, depression!.
    You may want to look at their pinned post for other places to read, aaaaparticularly their keto kitchen, which has loads of what look like delicious recipes of the no carb, no sugar variety.

    Like

  123. […] Source: I blame the rickets. […]

    Like

  124. 128
    Jennifer

    I so enjoy reading about your life, and I totally get the funeral giggle/snort thing. You could be writing my life story.

    Like

  125. 129
    Anonymous

    I love you so much because even when you have rickets you help me by making me laugh. Thank you. Have a day. ❤️

    Like

  126. Favorite low carb breakfast: ground flax meal and chia seeds. Mix 2 tbsp flax with 1 tbsp Chia, mix. Add 1 tbsp butter, some sugar free Tourani syrup and as much half and half as you want to make it the right consistency. Microwave for a minute, stir and YUM. Seriously. Even if I wasn’t on this diet, I’d eat this. Pinterest also rocks for good recipes. You can make EVERYTHING out of cauliflower. Seriously. Also, Kiwi’s, black berries, raspberries, and a small amount of strawberries are TOTALLY okay on le Keto. Good luck!

    Like

  127. Kalynskitchen.com has some wonderful low-carb recipes. She really has made me interested in cooking low-carb again, ’cause I second the notion it can get boooorrring…
    Funeral laughing can feel so good it’s ridiculous. My sister was at her Father-in-law’s funeral and her Mother-in-law looked around and said “why is everybody so glum?”. Yeah, my sister lost it. Feel better Jenny.

    Like

  128. I have been eating ketogenic for almost 2 years now. 104lbs lost and I honestly have never felt better. No more migraines and no more issues because I don’t have a gallbladder.

    Like

  129. Keto ain’t nothin’ compared to everything else you’ve been through ! You got this! (And come join our Keto After 40 group 😉 )

    Like

  130. 134
    Anonymous

    Jenny! Not only does this make perfect sense, but I was snort-cry-laughing all the way through it! This is the thought that was coursing through my brain as I read this post: SHE. IS. BACK. Hang in there – I know the sunshine is around the corner!

    Like

  131. If I saw you in the waiting room with all those books, all I would think is, “geez I’m so jealous of all her books! I want lots of books!” And then maybe I’d ask if you’d share one, you know, just while I wait for my appointment….er uh, I mean…. while I wait for my crazy family member’s appointment…. that sounded believable, right?? :-/

    Wishing you some extra spoons, today!

    Like

  132. Re #7: My girlfriend can’t have tomatoes, either. It’s horrible. (Sometimes she decides it’s worth the pain and gas to have something with tomatoes in, like lasagna. Then we all suffer a little, but her worst.)

    Like

  133. I feel your pain about food, but for a different medical reason. I’m on a restricted diet due to interstitial cystitis and had to give up the majority of the food (I am not kidding here either. Water isn’t even safe!) and every time hubby has pizza I give him the stink eye.

    Like

  134. I’m 100% sure doing the laundry has carbs and you you should avoid that shit like the plague. Being a dude, Victor will be immune to those carbs, so he can be your superhero!

    I can’t even imagine giving up carbs and sugar. I would be your new cabbage attacking patronus (although, maybe more like a chocolate or bread attacking one). A few years ago I had to go on a stupid life saving diet because of ulcers (which, apparently I gave to myself by taking ibuprofen every time something hurt or I though something might hurt or I remembered something hurting years ago). I’ll tell you, no whole grains, no acid, no coffee, no berries, no leafy greens, no anything that is good for you and that you’ve been trained to eat for your health!

    If it makes you feel better: no wine for two weeks for me. Stupid meds. I thought they were supposed to make me feel better? I don’t see how that’s going to work! I’m pretty sure doctors make this shit up for their own entertainment.

    Stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

    Leah recently posted Another Bumpy Re-entry.

  135. Google Eggroll in a Bowl recipes before you stab someone you love.

    Liked by 1 person

  136. I cannot express how badly I feel for telling you to eat frozen berry and almond milk yesterday! That was not NICE! Can the doctors just transplant you into a healthier body and then you can eat high fructose corn syrup laden popsicles and mashed tater sandwiches like you want!? Don’t get rickets or scurvy or anything else, okay!?

    Like

    thompsonhouseblog recently posted Wedding Paradise!.

  137. Okay – My low carb go-tos:
    – Deli ham and cheese rolled up with guacamole, or caesar dressing
    – Almonds
    – Joseph’s oat & flax pitas (look by the deli counter, low carb!) with natural peanut butter
    – Tuna salad (can also go on those pitas)
    – Quest bars
    – Google “one minute flax muffins”
    – Jerky
    – Roasted broccoli/Brussels sprouts/cauliflower/asparagus with Parmesan cheese
    – Grab a rotisserie chicken, frozen broccoli, and a jar of alfredo sauce – heat, stir, chow
    – Explore all the ways of cooking eggs you’ve never tried before – My favorite: Mix Eggs with Ricotta and Pesto and scramble.

    also, check out /r/keto and their linked food subreddits/blogs

    Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  138. 142
    Tiffany Kotz

    I have an elusive sense of humor, and you, my dear, are one of the few people that can genuinely make me laugh out loud! This post totally tickled my funny bone! Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  139. So funny and right on point!!

    Like

  140. 144
    dcrampton

    Sugar free chocolate is a thing that exists. It has nearly no carbs. As a husband of someone who is on a similar diet to what you’re on, it has saved my life on multiple occasions. Please inform Victor of its existence. Whole foods carries it, at least, but I’m not sure who else does.

    Like

  141. Not sure where you found that video of me but damn, I’m a pudgy patronus

    Like

    terib19 recently posted Another Mother's Day post?.

  142. I am trying the low sugar, low carb too. I HATE IT. Yeah, the smoothies keep me full until lunch but the texture? ICK. And since I detest most veggies (my mother’s bad cooking + 1970’s organic=hatred) it truly sucks. Victor is not being nice.

    Like

  143. Leo Babauta is trying to get me to be curious about my anxiety and say, “welcome,” when it prairie-dogs. I think picturing you listlessly whispering about egg rolls to your nearest pet will get me farther through this day.

    Like

    utterimperfection recently posted You Say Tomato, I Say Crisis.

  144. 148
    Anonymous

    The corgi violently attacking that cabbage has just made my whole day. Thank you Jenny, and I hope it all gets easier with the diet and the rickets and the (presumed) scurvy that you will be getting.

    Like

  145. Watch this. It will cheer you up, I promise.

    Like

  146. 150
    burlesquebruja

    I went on the pinche Whole30 last year. It was a god damn nightmare. Found out I was made of sugar and any diet that means I can’t have a bean and cheese taco is not right. It’s just not right. And I stayed fat so fuck it.

    Like

  147. I love your post. I’ve never shared or commented on anything on any blog before but you often talk about your people. I’d love to be part of that community. I’d love to feel that I am not alone. That there might be a different outcome, because the current one isn’t looking great. How do I make that happen? ( by happen I mean The community part, my own outcomes are mine and range from “dire” to “sh*t I left the toaster on. Dammit now the house is on fire and it’s near well possible to get a decent slice of toast” and in other toast related material…: I heart buttersafe http://buttersafe.com/2012/05/24/the-floppy-toast/) sorry I have never posted before and I don’t know how links work.

    Like

  148. I’m on the same diet. I feel your pain soooooooo much! But it really does get easier, I promise. After about 2 weeks, the cravings are still there but totally tolerable…maybe…unless your pmsing. I hope you’re not on it for very long.
    P.S. Now you have me worried about getting scurvy. Though with the amounts of supplements I’m on probably eliminates that threat.

    Like

  149. I make coloring books too and have been there with my art. You had me laughing out loud. I think that everyone in that room thought exactly what you stated. Made my day…!

    Like

  150. Dear Jenny,
    I’m sitting here with my mean migraine, chewing on french cheese and braised turnips for dinner in order to stick both my middle fingers out to my freshly diagnosed insulin resistance while catching up on my reading from last week that was lost to brain-fog and other fuckeries. Ask me how much fun this way of eating is if you have multiple food intolerances (read: all available, except celiac disease.). My only luck is that the migraine prevention meds are causing serious loss of appetite …
    All I want to say is: Hang in there, woman. Some bodies are made out of hormonal carnivals, congenital and autoimmune disorders and some plain old bad luck. But you are not alone and we are all still here.
    Lots of Love and thank you for being still here.

    Like

  151. I ran away from my hubby by taking care of Daddy in Florida. Back home, & just realized I forgot to treat a burn I’d gotten, so can I blame rickets, too?

    Like

    emelle28 recently posted Traveling is REALLY fun!.

  152. The giggle loop, as explained by Geoff From Coupling ( an amazing tv show)

    https://www.vidivodo.com/the-giggle-loop-coupling

    Like

  153. 157
    Anonymous

    Did a dietitian actually put you on this diet? A diet without fruit or vegetables (That have sugar but fairly Healthy sugars) seems a bit crazy to me – and I’m used to insanity. Unless they are checking for allergies – than it would make sense. Otherwise someone is far too extreme. A diet Nazi if you will..

    Like

  154. So to all of us with autoimmune issues — here’s some promising news for your weekend. It’s a big early step to identify a trigger, as the article says it may be “a therapeutic target”. IE something future medications can be designed to work on!
    https://medicalxpress.com/news/2017-05-trigger-autoimmune-disease.html

    If you don’t have a medical background, let me say that “suggests a therapeutic target” means these researchers are popping open the bubbly and applying for more grants.

    Like

  155. To #157 Anonymous — read the post from May 9 for an explanation. Yes, Jenny’s under doctor’s orders here.

    Like

  156. 160
    Beth Graham

    Oh, thank you! I’m on low-carb for Type 2 diabetes and although it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it might be, still there have been days. The corgi is now also MY new spirit animal.

    Like

  157. 161
    Anonymous

    ROFL!!!! I needed that today, so thank you as always for brightening my day!

    Like

  158. That corgi is scary! And so is this diet you are talking about! Best of luck, hopefully it is all they claim it to be, life saving and all!

    Like

  159. It would be worth the price of Rickets to have been in that waiting room.

    Like

    Arionis recently posted Eye Just Can’t Help Myself.

  160. 164
    bluesurly

    But BACON!!!! Because it’s full of salt, protein, and fat correct?

    Like

  161. I have not read your blog in a long time. I happen to today – because I was recently laid off and am too depressed and angry and need something to do besides cut my throat. This post was hilarious. and I will be back to reading daily. Thank you. — have you tried the Whole 30 diet?

    Like

  162. 166
    ocularnervosa

    I laughed so hard I both coughed and snorted at the same time. I didn’t know it was possible.

    Like

  163. What a horrible diet! Although I’m pretty sure it’s what I need to do, because I suck at making myself cut back on sugar. (A bag of M&Ms? Sure, I will be very good and have a handful. What the heck, another handful won’t hurt. later What do you mean, the bag is empty?)

    Like

  164. There are a lot of great diabetes communities online, my personal favorite being http://www.tudiabetes.org/. We also have twitter chats on Wednesday nights at 9 PM eastern using #dsma. We make tons of Harry Potter jokes, say “fuck” a lot, and make up words, so you should fit right in. 🙂

    Like

  165. 169
    another Rebecca

    Oh, God…a waiting room gauntlet! Even though my husband commented on the number of doctors in my shrink’s practice, I don’t see anyone else (well…leaving, but I don’t look, because you don’t). The only time I’ve seen another patient when I was in the waiting room was when a man came in and TOOK MY appointment! Our doctor came out of his office, and as I was picking up my stuff, that man walked in and dr. said it would just be a few minutes. Crisis, I guess, so I felt I was doing better than him.

    It’s kind of like running from a bear: you don’t have to be best, you just can’t be worst. Just think of the comfort you provided those…drivers! Because WE know how “not the worst” you really are. I’m glad you’re here.

    Like

  166. You are so funny Jenny ❤

    Like

  167. I NEVER diet.
    Instead, I practice a ‘Focused Food Group Eating Strategy.’
    Easier for my mouth to explain to people.
    ‘Diet’ is a bad four letter word…

    Like

  168. Oh my god, this all sounds terrible, but also maybe you’re developing super powers? I don’t know why, but it seems like every superhero who develops superpowers goes through hell before coming out with lazer eyes and the ability to shoot webs out of their ears and whatnot.

    Like

    Awkwardly Alive recently posted Be different..

  169. 173
    Ketomakesmecrazytoo

    That’s amazing! I could so see you trying to explain the coloring book issue to a waiting room full of people who are slowly backing away…. lol!! I feel your pain with keto. I’ve been doing it for about a month. It does get easier. My husband is non-human as well. He goes low-carb for a week and drops 20 lbs. I go 20 carbs per day, for a month, pee on a stick to ensure compliance and the scale is barley moving. Men are the devil! Anyway, good luck! It does work and it does get better. There are support groups on fb. That helps me. All diets should have support groups……

    Like

  170. 174
    eccentricelena

    I recently had a random case of the gigglesnorts in a Wal-mart. I was just randomly and uncontrollably laughing so hard I was snorting while walking past the toy section. People were steering their children away from me with a great deal of fear in their eyes. You are right though, people get more scared when you try and explain the inappropriate laughter. I like the idea of maybe trying to pretend I’m crying instead!

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  171. I had been really sick for a while, so 2 years after someone suggested gluten as a culprit (god forbid I appeared to be a trendy dieter), I decided to try going gluten free for 1 month. I had dreams about donuts. Repeatedly. I never realized how deep my love of pastries really went. Despite truly wanting an explanation as to why I could no longer function as a human being, I prayed to a god I don’t believe in that this wasn’t the answer. Before everything completely came crashing down in my life, I had managed to go on a study abroad trip to Indonesia. I had hiked up a volcano (dormant-ish), and it was awesome. So as I laid in bed, trying not to give in to the deep donut cravings, I actually asked myself a question. Would I rather eat a donut or hike a volcano? And I knew in that moment where my heart truly lies, and it almost surprisingly wasn’t the donut. Going on adventures is why I wanted to be healthy. I regained some serious willpower after that. I still crave pastries, look longingly at other people’s food, and sigh when it smells so much better than my own. But I still ask myself that same question to remember why I have to stay away from the gluten.*
    *Although it’s a much easier argument since the last time I was poisoned, I started to lose my hair. And last Christmas I found out I can’t even be in the same room as flour without getting sick.

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  172. This sort of resonates with me. I’ve been on a liquid diet since surgery. Now I can actually eat a few more things just as long as I don’t chew anything while my face continues to heal. I added bread crumbs to a cup of soup just to get some extra carbs. I was miserable for the first week not just because of pain but also carb withdrawal. I’ve lost 13 lbs in the space of two weeks, and miss bread, and beer, and wine, and I could go on.

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    Dann Alexander recently posted Jaw Surgery Recovery.

  173. What if there’s a head inside the cabbage? A person could hide a head in a cabbage and no one would suspect it…except a Corgi. Would that be a suitable subject for a children’s book about a brave little Corgi who sniffed out missing body parts for the police or other people who lose body parts, because sometimes you’re at a party and someone who is drunk accidentally shuts his little finger in a door somewhere and can’t find it. Try getting the other guests to look for a missing finger, put it in a zip lock snack size baggy, and take him to the hospital! It ain’t easy! (This is what happens when you invite guys to a baby shower and they bring beer.)

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  174. 178
    Anonymous

    I’m on the GAPS diet and feel for you. Snacks end up being crappy meals that took an hour to make because I can have no sugar or starches AT ALL. I can’t even have ketchup or mayonnaise or anything, and no milk products. It’s a sad life of meats and butter /cheeseless veggies and I just want a damned taco or bag of chips or some chocolate. Even mcdonalds is looking good simply because I am not allowed to have it.

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  175. 179
    Grace-Anne Post

    I wish you all the best getting through the sugar/carb detox! You won’t regret it, I promise. If you do regret it, I give you permission to come junk punch me (but then I win ’cause I get to meet you in person). You can also watch “that sugar movie”. It’s on Netflix; it’ll kinda gross you out of eating sugar and might help you get over the worst part.

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  176. Oh, Jenny, I SO feel your pain! This is the diet I have been on for the past 2.5 weeks (as per my allergist): rice, turkey, lettuce, honey, sea salt, maple syrup, distilled water. I was allowed sweet potatoes and pears too, but I was reacting to them. I know you would kill for honey or maple syrup right now. But I am so tired of turkey and rice. And I want to EAT ALL THE THINGS!!! (I tried re-introducing oatmeal – I had a reaction.) 😦 Hang in there! Hope you get some answers.

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  177. It’s been raining quite a bit here lately and my dog REALLY doesn’t like to go out the dog door and get his feet wet. So last night he jumped up on the sofa beside me looked sideways at me and and cut a fart that made me gag, my eyes water, and made me throw up in my mouth a little. Then he topped it with a worse one. So really, all I could think about when I saw that Corgi video was how much worse that farting could have been if he had been on an all-cabbage diet.

    Small things. Gotta be grateful for the small things.

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  178. 182
    Denise G

    I took my copy of your book to show my therapist who promptly went out and bought it for four of her family members. Which I think makes her more cool than I realized.

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  179. 183
    Anonymous

    I’ve been motoring along on a diet featuring carbs and caffeine. Strangely, I never felt well, even though I do eat fairly well otherwise. Certainly never slept well. I began to suspect I was binging on coffee and chocolate and looked up “caffeine intoxication” and, sure enough, there I was.
    Last night I went to Trader Joes, my source for imported Bavarian chocolate, but rather than write a script where liberating chocolate was my mission in life, instead I thought about how it can feel like I’ve eaten tiny knives. And it stayed in the store!
    About 9:30pm my personal Carb Zombie wakes up and demands popcorn, which I’ve obliged in the past but now theres not a kernel in the house, which may become permanent. I’m convinced all of these zombie-makers are really allergy-addictions.
    Tonight is the first night I gave into the Carb Zombie, but it was steamed brown rice, veggies and fish with a dash of toasted sesame oil, the latter of which is made by angels and is like truffles in deliciousness. Butter got downvoted.
    Now, I feel like a bear ready to hibernate with my full belly. I hadn’t eaten in 24 hours and this is not good for a body teetering on diabetes, but it was not chocolate, potato chips or popcorn and tomorrow I’ll be back on it.

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  180. 184
    Pip Reddington

    Hugs 🤗. This sounds exactly like the diet I had to follow when I was pregnant and it was boring as hell and all I wanted to do was eat fruit and potato (not together that would be weird). If you’re getting bored of the same 3 things try looking online for a low carb or gestational diabetes forum (I know you’re not pregnant) – people can share some good recipes on them. Good luck though it’s tough xx

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  181. 185
    Anonymous

    I’m 183. And after I posted, I read all of your comments about keto, which then led me to the Atkins website and I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT. Now I know why I have belly fat, something I never had before I got sick. So 183, Goofus. This comment, Gallant.

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  182. I Blame Rickets – name of a new age/punk rock band with trumpets and a tuba.

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    itsathought2 recently posted The Dangers of Pintrest..

  183. 187
    PattyHill

    How are you doing? I worry about you since you haven’t posted in a few days. i hope things are getting better. No pressure to post, just good wishes!

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  184. You can’t beat the all Beet Diet. Unless you’re beat.

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  185. 189
    Anonymous

    Tried that diet. Almost lost my damn mind. Made my anxiety and OCD horrible.

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  186. Don’t overdo the whole “low carb” thing, nobody likes being denied anything, eventually everyone revolts and then overindulges. I’ve known diabetics who eat more slushies, Coke and candy on a daily basis than I do, of course that causes problems in the long term, like losing limbs…the point is, you CAN eat carbs and be a diabetic, it just helps to be a smart diabetic, eat reasonable portions of the things you love, and eat more of the foods you don’t love so much that are better for you. But don’t eliminate the stuff you love. Have some Skittles once in awhile, just not the whole bag. Eat ice cream once in awhile, just not every day. Dont order the Big Gulp size slushie. Also, try some healthier substitutions: brown rice for white, whole wheat pasta for regular, and those no sugar added Blue Bunny ice creams really are delicious. Just don’t eat it all at once or your colon will hate you.
    Also, moderate exercise helps a shockingly hell of a lot. Walking helps your body process the carbs you do eat more effectively, ideally aim for 30 minutes of active movement of some kind per day. Pairing protein with your carbs helps prevent your glucose from spiking- think peanut butter and jelly, cheese and crackers. Finally, and this is more controversial, ask your doctor about starting a cinnamon supplement, it sounds dumb as hell but cinnamon has shown an ability to improve insulin sensitivity in Type 2 diabetics. Who knows why. But you have to eat horse pills full of cinnamon, not just a pinch in your oatmeal. Specific species of cinnamon are considered preferable for this purpose, I get the Ceylon strain of cinnamon and I don’t regret it.

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  187. I love you so, so much. I bought your coloring book but I’m afraid to color it because I’ll ruin it.

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  188. You make me laugh and laugh and laugh. Thank you. Crazy cabbage corgi really completed that post perfectly 🤣

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  189. A few things….#1 DO NOT, under any circumstances, google children dying in Syria, like an above commentor said. I hate it when people try to compare our problems to “starving children in Africa” and such. Ok, we get it, we’ll never have it that bad (please God!), but we do have to deal with what we are currently dealing with and it can be degrees of bad as well. And talking about it, as you always say, can help other people who are also dealing with their own personal problems. #2 giggle-loop-of-inappropriatness is now my favorite line! I had one of those during graduation yesterday and am glad there’s a term for it! #3 I hope you feel better and I love reading your blog!

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  190. 194
    Wellwisher

    Jenny, You make me laugh so hard. You also help me to understand my depressed friends, too, so that I can be a better friend to them. I wanted to give back. I have some advice, and even if you don’t use it, you can write a hilarious story about it, because I am about to give you some perfect material. Fecal Microbiota Transplant (FMT). Icky and your welcome. I am a scientist and I teach microbiology and I am a firm believer that the research is sound and this could work to cure depression. There is research that shows that it can potentially cure obesity, autoimmune diseases, inflammation, C diff., ADHD, etc. Maybe it can’t, but I would try ANYTHING, if it could possibly help. The only harm it could do is possibly transfer other disorders from the donor, like obesity, etc. You would pick a healthy donor, and definitely someone from your family (Victor). It is not readily available, but you can have it done in extreme circumstances when nothing else works, you can go out of the country to do it, or you can DIY. If you read these comments, good luck, and I can’t wait to read an awesomely funny story about POOP transplants.

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  191. As a dude I would love to skip a sandwich and lose 87 pounds. I have been on Weight Watchers for 8 months and been at a plateau for 4 weeks where I haven’t lost an ounce. This reminds me of the last time I went to a meeting several months ago and was the only guy there. The leader asked how much people had lost, and it came to my turn. I announced and she said, “well we know how easy it is for men to lose weight.” I was crushed and never went back.

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  192. There’s riced and mashed cauliflower in the frozen food section. It’s not rice or potatoes, but it’s not half bad.
    Also, spaghetti squash. Very versatile. I make a spaghetti squash pizza crust that’s pretty darn good.

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    Marianne recently posted What's worse than a Sharknado?.

  193. Sugar Blues by William Duffy – this will redirect your energy as you will HATE the drug that it is. I beat that mother and I live in moderation:)

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  194. 198
    Stacey Pearo

    https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/ls/?ie=UTF8&lid=29LPUESQXWVU

    The way through it stinks, but know we are with you on the journey just as you have been with us on ours.

    Like

  195. 199
    ken davis

    jenny lawson, i love you. In the way that I would love a good friend, so tell Victor not to worry.
    Even on my hardest days at work (which is a really fucked up place, mind you!), i can always find a laugh or ten, and it makes my day better after reading your blog. And the corgi video is awesome – YES – I can totally see that being your patronus. Expecto patronum! And I do feel for you on your awful days – some of those posts are just heartbreaking. But always remember how much you give to us – and what it means – whether you know it or not. Trust us – you make our days so much better!

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  196. Hi Jenny! I just adore your books, they crack me up! Anyway, a few years ago I had to go on the Candida Albicans Diet for rashes (yeast overgrowth) and it sounds very similar. It almost killed me. I went to buy pre-made hamburgers one day and checked the package, and guess what? They had sugar. Hamburgers. You are right, sugar is in everything. Now I try to only go on the diet if I get rashes, but I have a really hard time. I wanted you to know that I feel your pain.

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  197. My cousin turned me on to you. I had no idea that I needed you in my life.

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    JC recently posted Surveying The Wreckage.

  198. I’m on this shit diet too Jenny. Yes it does help with sugar-detox but its making me miserable. Also, knowing that this will be likely lifelong for me (thanks anemia, gluten-sensitivity, lactose intolerance and candida), I’m already mourning the death of Mcds and other places I used to get food for cheap. Now its all organic shit and DIY for me, which takes up 90% of my life prepping and cooking meals from scratch. I’m currently working on recipes to make life a little easier and will be updating my blog with recipes in the future.

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