Me: I’m out of my anti-anxiety meds again.
Victor: You don’t need those. Just relax.
Me: I could relax more if I had some xanax.
Victor: You need to get off the drugs. You know what I do to battle anxiety? I have sex with prostitutes.
Me: No. Way. I battle anxiety by having sex with strangers for money!
Victor: Waaaaait a minute…
Me: Oh my God! You!
Victor: I did not even recognize you without the wig and the tube top.
Me: You totally still owe me money.
PS. Does this post make sense? Because I’m still a little high and it might be missing an entire sentence for all I know. I’m still on the drugs but I’ve sobered up enough to realize that the red warning label on the box of steroids they gave me to help fight off infection says “THIS MEDICINE MAY LOWER YOUR ABILITY TO FIGHT OFF INFECTIONS!” The hell? Also, Victor would like me to clarify that while he did not fire the riot gun this weekend, if there had been a tiny leperachaun outside he totally would have nailed it and he doesn’t appreciate my doubt.
Comment of the day: I can only hope you were a little high when you chose to sell your wares in a tube top. Perhaps the tube top is contributing to your anxiety. Perhaps you should knit a tube top out of xanax, like a candy necklace. Then you could relax when you were all tarted up.
I’m not high. ~Epiphinita
{ 91 comments… read them below or add one }
I love it. My best bud Michelle and I like to pretend that we work for a film company and loudly protest at some a-list stars lates requests and perversions.
Clint’s last blog post..Breasts and Lengths
Awesome! Don’t believe those leperachaun johns – they claim to pay you out of a pot of gold. But you have to get to the end of the rainbow first. And honey, the end of a leperachaun’s rainbow? Not. Worth. It. Not even in the efforts of reducing anxiety.
I hear, anyway.
anne nahm’s last blog post..The Adventures of Off The Pill Anne
You guys are hilarious.
Kyla’s last blog post..What would you say?
thought you might like this high. i like it “not high” but people always think i must be high for liking this. but maybe you will like it. high or not. feel better
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wCF3ywukQYA&feature=related
and this could be fun high or no.
http://www.oneplusyou.com/q/v/cannibal_lunch
Damn dirty Leprechauns!
Kill ‘em all Victor!
BTW, I think you can get out of paying Jenny for “Anxiety Relief” since is your wife… However, I would consult an attorney first as your HMO may require a co-pay.
Houston’s last blog post..I’ve Felt Like This
Umm, are you sure you want to publish this during tax season? Like, man, you could totally get audited-you for unreported income, and the Leprechaun Annihilator for dubious “medical” expenses…
(And yes, steroids are immunosuppressant; they would be prescribed to hold back inflammation.) (uh, and they also fug with metabolism and weight gain.)
Menchuvian Candidate’s last blog post..Wilding, Mommy-style
I find that as far as antagonizing my husband, with two daughters and a third on the way very little is required on my part. Just the other day our three and half year old was teaching the 22 month old just how exactly one ought to suck on a popsicle. She advocates a very forceful, long suck, which she demonstrated time and gain as she exclaimed, “Look how I suck, Daddy!” Sean almost fainted.
Amanda’s last blog post..Confession born from compliments
SD and I like to pretend we just met, in the grocery store checkout line, and loudly discuss forgoing the preliminary courting niceties, calling our spouses to tell them we “have to work late” and just go to the motel and have loud, sweaty monkey sex.
The looks we get are priceless!
Hairy Weisenheimmer’s last blog post..Things That Changed My Life – pt 1
Hands down the funniest thing I have read all week! Sorta a modern “The Gift of the Magi.”
Love. Victor.
You are possibly more fun on narcotics than off, m’dear.
Although it’s really, really close.
daysgoby’s last blog post..birth carnival post
Damn that was you?! I probably owe you money too.
Nikki’s last blog post..I’m so glad that damn weekend is over
Sounds like a match made in heaven!
Domestic Chicky’s last blog post..Giveaway Winners!
“…if there had been a tiny leperachaun outside he totally would have nailed it…”
No, Victor! Put the hammer away!!!!!
Proof that you and Victor are MADE for each other there!
Sayre’s last blog post..Fun Monday: A-B-C (Easy as 1-2-3)
I’m sorry but…I doubt Victor’s ability to hit a leprechaun with a riot gun. Those are a little slow, and I hear leprechauns are very dodgy and hard to see. I’ve never even seen one, myself.
The rest of it I totally buy, except that you weren’t wearing a wig during this conversation. Cannot suspend my disbelief.
Julie Pippert’s last blog post..Maxim (and its readers) can BITE ME!
I wonder how I can get paid to have sex. Is it just the tube top that does it, or do I also need a wig?
Spamboy’s last blog post..Spring Cleaning
My husband would totally insert himself into that conversation!
Jenni’s last blog post..Given The Choice, I’d Rather Clean Vomit
I’d like to get to the end of Victor’s rainbow.
RAWR!
Marmite Breath’s last blog post..On the Way, I Caught Cornflake Disease
You said leperachaun instead of leprechaun. Is that a tiny Irish guy with sores all over his body? Eww, I just grossed myself out.
Catazon’s last blog post..Another Rodeo Plug
S’okay, I’m kinda wondering how many “stangers” she has wandering around near her.
I am also wondering if the warning on my pain meds “not to operate heavy machinery” includes the vacuum cleaner. ‘Cause it’s kinda heavy. Hey, so is the washer. And dryer. And stove. And dishwasher. Man, I’m getting out of ALL this stuff.
markira’s last blog post..St. Patty’s Day surprise
As for your past post… I know that wonderous happy drug of which you speak — the kind at the surgeon’s. I’d had two wisdom teeth cut out prior to this past time. So I knew how awesome it was. I spent alot of time trying to talk them into just keeping the iv in and letting me lug a little red wagon full of the “good stuff” around. And now when I think of Leperachaun’s? I’ll have visions of some guy lurking around his darkened yard with a gun while you sit on a couch high as a kite.
And as for this post… Start calling him “John”…
motherofbun’s last blog post..The essence of Amanda
Did you know it hurts when you spurt Diet Coke out your nose?
Really, thanks for the laugh. I needed it!
Gretchen’s last blog post..Leap Day Giveaway!
I think I might have peed myself a little!
andrea’s last blog post..Even Peeps Can Do My Job
You are still TOO FUNNY and I am still NOT WORTHY!
Kylie’s last blog post..Cutesy…
What a coincidence! My hubby was subscribing to my live webcam show, and we didn’t even know it. At least the money he spent was all coming back to us. Wait…is that money laundering?
The Introvert’s last blog post..never boring
I bet you both like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
Stay away from the light, power ranger.
furiousball’s last blog post..The 70s linebackers in my head told me to cut the crap and go slap myself with a rattlesnake
You are freaking hilarious.
MammaLoves’s last blog post..How He Became Our Son, Part I
I’m not quite sure how I JUST got around to finding your blog, but you are brilliant.
I’m writing you a love letter right now. Don’t deny me, Bloggess.
whoorl’s last blog post..Easter Panic!
If I were the stranger standing too close to that conversation, I’d be laughing my ass off.
kittenpie’s last blog post..Remember, You Asked…
If I were the stranger standing too close to that conversation, I’d be offering you more money. Cash.
That’s hilarious.
seven’s last blog post..Granola.
Oh god how I love my anti-anxiety meds. Except when I forget to take them and I wonder why everything makes me want to cry or beat someone up and I have psychotic dreams. Then I think “ohhhhh yeaaaaah it helps if you TAKE the pill…hmmmmm”
Fuzzball’s last blog post..Allo Tuesday. Pip pip cheerio and all that rot.
wow. i wish you two would move to my town so i could overhear something this interesting…
redsy’s last blog post..The Secrets of the Bedtime Guardian
I had dreams of leprechauns last night and I’m totally blaming you.
Mama DB’s last blog post..We may have to move.
Lunch > Monitor. Snort.
magpie’s last blog post..The Wonders of NYC
xanax is cheap. for that we should all be thankful.
you mean he didn’t shoot anything? damn! that would have been so much more fun.
this makes sense to me but that’s not a great assurance as I can be pretty weird. Or maybe that’s just all in my head…
Maggie’s last blog post..Happy Easter!
Lucky you, still high.
I’d give up more teeth to have that.
Jennifer H’s last blog post..The house
The hell? LOL
I am totally employing that method when people invade my personal space. Which is often. Which makes me wonder if I require more space than the average person, or if people really are attracted to me by gravity. because I am fat. Oh God, I’m fat, and now I have anxiety.
I need Xanax too.
flutter’s last blog post..So any vacation that starts like this?.
I can see how the wig would throw him off. Dude, you’d better make him pay or your anxiety will just increase.
Glad to know I’m not the only one who engages in this type of banter in elevators. I’m such a showboat (complete with all you can eat buffet… wait, the double entendre behind all you can eat is gross but who cares – I’m leaving it in)
motherbumper’s last blog post..Are you lookin’ at me?
Am I the only one who, as a result of reading this conversation, now has Escape (The Pina Colada Song) running rampant about her brain?
I am? Shit.
Well then, while I’m revealing all, I may as well confess that I read this as I was wolfing down my scrumptious Kashi lunch, and very nearly aspirated a grain of barley.
Also, a quick glance at the clock affirms that yes, I am now five minutes late fetching the kids from school.
So, to summarize: heinous earworm. Near-death experience. And a fresh infusion of mother guilt.
Your blog, it is a dangerous place for me.
Hope you’re feeling better soon…
mrs. f5′s last blog post..Countdown
mmm…xanax…
ali’s last blog post..of b-rate nursery rhyme proportions
Made perfect sense to me. Reminded me of my daughter a few years back. She (at the time) still had pacifiers. My husband told her he was going to cut their tips off the next day because she was getting too big for them.
Later, at T-ball, my daughter told everyone who’d listen…
“Hi. How are you? My Daddy is going to cut my nipples off tomorrow.”
Ow…’cuz that shit doesn’t grow back. Oh, but if it did that would be awesome!!!!
Greta’s last blog post..Pick Your Favorite Body Part
I’m starting to think there was no “gun” at all, just Victor running around in the back yard with his giggle stick in his hands making bang-bang noises and yelling things like “gotcha you little leprechaun!”, All to make you feel better about your hallucinations brought on by the trauma of having no wisdom teeth on top.
MichaelTAdams’s last blog post..I watched MOVIES! and ate candy.
All I gotta’ say is don’t lose any money Jenny!!
I’m still lmfao!!
Don’t let him back out of paying you!
Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..LOST S4ep8
*snort*
this conversation is just more proof that you and i would have so. much. fun. together!
Biddy’s last blog post..i think i started my diet again…
i think this is genius, a great way to keep strangers from getting too close. i hate when strangers get too close.
piglet’s last blog post..a symptom of something much bigger than how it appears
Hey — he’s your husband. Shouldn’t he have recognized your OTHER parts?!
Melissa’s last blog post..Easter Booty
Michael T said, “I’m starting to think there was no “gun” at all, just Victor running around in the back yard with his giggle stick in his hands making bang-bang noises and yelling things like “gotcha you little leprechaun!”
Oh, dear. I suppose we’re lucky Victor wasn’t arrested for waving his “giggle stick” around at the leprechauns…
Sayre’s last blog post..45 + 1 = me
Darn, I was hoping your hubby capped someone in the arse. There is always next time, right.
kelly’s last blog post..Pinch Me
At least you were wearing a tube top this time! LOL!
Shoegirl’s last blog post..I’m a Glimmertrain Finalist!
I had a witty comment all prepared until I read Sayre’s comment. I just cannot compare with that. I give up.
Blue Momma’s last blog post..This Housewife Needs Help!!!
My husband just made me re-read The Yellow Wallpaper because he wanted me to do his homework. It’s just like a husband to insist you don’t need your meds. Only to cause you to go nuts by locking you in a room with ugly wallpaper to try to make you less crazy and then actually make you more crazy cause the wallpaper has a stupid design that you can’t help analyzing until you think you are trapped inside of it.
now that’s the kind of relationship I want. hil.ar.ious!
The Pear Lady’s last blog post..Sick – A Parody of Madness Unleashed
I can only hope you were a little high when you chose to sell your wares in a tube top.
Perhaps the tube top is contributing to your anxiety. Perhaps you should knit a tube top out of xanax, like a candy necklace. Then you could relax when you were all tarted up.
I’m not high.
I can’t even tell you how glad I am that I found this blog…freakin’ hilarious!
Anna’s last blog post..The Future’s So Bright…
Gives the “5 dollar footlong” new meaning, no?
I love you guys. You rock, i wish we could hang out…lol
Julie’s last blog post..Fun Monday
I totally am looking you up next time I’m home. I’ve heard doing such things in an elevator is classic!
Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..The BiTcH is BaCk!
I have no words. Y’all are funny.
Sandy’s last blog post..Update on my new job
Firstly, congrats on only TWO wisdom teeth to remove. That’s half the healing time in theory right? Secondly, you need to get bombed and post that way more often. Seriously.
Allison’s last blog post..paper basket bouquet.
gosh, i love those tender moments when you realize that your husband is one of your johns. good times, good times.
teresa’s last blog post..Shamed Into Isolation
When my blog grows up? It wants to be yours.
Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..Notes to self
Niiiiiiiiiiice!!! I frequently ask my husband “if the cream worked” and that brings on some classic looks, hee hee!
Hope the steroids come to an end soon. Equally amusing.
ooh, thanks for visiting me btw
Nin’s last blog post..Isadora
Booze works in a pinch.
Lotta’s last blog post..Horror Flick
… and this is exactly why I can never wear tube tops out anymore.
BusyDad’s last blog post..Pop Quiz
But at least you two aren’t as bad as the woman who accidentally slept with her brother-in-law claiming it was late at night and she thought it was her husband.
Jacki’s last blog post..Doggy Haute Couture
MPS (Mario P0rn Star, my husband) and I quote Monty Pythons Life of Brian around strangers. That tends to assure us some personal space.
Kelley’s last blog post..All these horror birth stories clogging up the blogosphere
Ah. That’s the beauty of steroids. Inflammation is a bitch.
KC’s last blog post..Lame Crimes at The Arts and Crafts Store
I wouldn’t worry about the infections, just the asterisk that will now have to be next to your name.
HRH’s last blog post..Grammar time…
Is there any way you could turn this blog into a sitcom? Cuz it would so totally rock.
Of course, it would have to be on cable. And it would probably be boycotted by the Parents Television Council. And you would probably wind up on “The Soup” at least every other week.
~EdT.
Ed T.’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: sitting on top of the world
I approve of your method if making strangers back off and I shall now claim it as my own. Though they may not believe Kara when she claims I look different without the wig and tube top.
I don’t care if Victor fired the riot gun. I’m just so dog-gone happy he HAS a riot gun. I’m also happy he didn’t shoot any leprechauns … they aren’t in season.
That’s frigging awesome. I’m so jealous of you two, and your witty reparte.
Candy’s last blog post..Woolly Bully
Wisdom teeth drugs are great, right? I remember when I got them out – I thought I’d been abducted by aliens.
Captain Steve’s last blog post..Happy Easter Monday.
How in the hell do you get your husband to play along so well?
I want one of those!
Miss Britt’s last blog post..Residency
We used to do the ho/john thing and then we went the naughty school girl/teacher thing, but now we are older and lazy and we just do the caveman/cavegirl thing, because they didn’t bother much with grooming or foreplay and the whole deal took about a minute and a half. Wow, I can’t believe I am not posting this anonomously!
clickmom’s last blog post..5 glimpses into today
You guys sound almost exactly like us. Sometimes I think we’re a stand-up act, which is hard for people who don’t “get us” to understand!
Carrie’s last blog post..Fast Forward
A wig, a tube top and a stranger. How many times do I have to do this?
Belinda/Shuttle Mom’s last blog post..Spring Break?
Holy crap, woman! You are on the front page of joyunexpected!
anne nahm’s last blog post..Fool Porn
you guys are flippin hilarious!
Chrystal’s last blog post..Brave little one
Went to the doctor and apparently they don’t like to treat chronic sinusitis with any sort of muscle relaxant or narcotic. Fucking assholes. I need a new doctor.
…So I’ll be needing you to mail me a few of everything you are taking. Do they mix well with vodka or should I just chop them up and snort them? I do have anti-biotics which should help build your resistence to infection. Let’s work out a trade.
marnie’s last blog post..OMFG Paula Abdul is totally wearing fingerless gloves. Alert the authorities.*
Oh and! There isn’t a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just a doctor who thinks he’s hot shit because of all the diplomas on the wall. WELL I WENT TO TRAVEL SCHOOL BITCH AND I SAY I NEED HARDCARE DRUGS.
..and back to my cage I go.
marnie’s last blog post..OMFG Paula Abdul is totally wearing fingerless gloves. Alert the authorities.*
I meant HARDCORE.
fuck.
marnie’s last blog post..OMFG Paula Abdul is totally wearing fingerless gloves. Alert the authorities.*
Do you wear clear heels with your wig and tube top? I do…especially if I’m working a really busy corner of my ‘hood. My favorite pair is done in an American flag motif and there is a space in the heels where I can fill them with water and let tiny goldfish swim around. Lately they’ve started to smell a little because my feet sweat what with all that plastic, but I just blame it on the fish. I’m saving up for a gold tooth which I hope will bring in more business from the mens…and maybe even a guest spot on HBO’s “Taxicab Confessions”. It could happen.
AB’s last blog post..Public Schools, Guns & Money (with apologies to Warren Zevon)
You both should totally have your own Sonic Commercial! You would be better than the current couple.
Freakin’ funny!
Hope you are starting to feel better.
Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..Divorced mom or single mom?
Damn. I totally thought I was going to see you naked.
Kat’s last blog post..Sigh…
Thank you, thank you, for making me laugh so hard. Now I no longer need my Klonopin
Lisa’s last blog post..Friday Night. A Lesson.
An era has ended and a NEW one has begun.
Can’t wait for all this to unwind, unravel, uncork…whatever.
Now, I’m off to find tatoos and nekked pics to share with you.
Swampy’s last blog post..Directions for Flying an F-5 Tiger: UPDATED !
Hey, you guys are like The Pina Colada Song, only with more tube tops.
Toni’s last blog post..Just Another Night At Our Table
Myself and a friend do this often enough. A popular one was…
“And Michael didn’t even realise she was a siamese twin!”
“Hell, hadn’t they been dating for like 3 months?!”