I’ve been on a bit of a whirlwind book tour and I haven’t had much time to let you know what’s been going on, so I’m going to do a quick update pulled directly from my journal:
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My editor couldn’t decide between a bottle of wine or a hat made from actual roadkill as a book pub date gift. I think she made the right choice:
His feet make excellent ear muffs.
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I think I’m at a fancy hotel because I can’t tell what’s in the bottles. At no point on this bottle does it say that it’s lotion. I’m pretty sure “emotion body milk” is semen. I have an entire bottle of free semen and I have no idea what to do with it.
I still took it home.
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Same hotel. I want a cheeseburger so I call for room service. They reply, “Did you mean Womb Service?” No. No, I certainly did not and I can’t imagine enough people are making this mistake to make it worthy of that follow up question.
Also, yes, of course I have pictures:
For when you need a cheeseburger. In your birth canal.
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One of these is toothpaste. The other is clearasil.
They do not taste the same. Ask me how I know.
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I went to a tv interview but they neglected to tell me that it was live TV in Hollywood before a studio audience and so I was sort of petrified. But then I took all my anti-anxiety drugs and I felt better (and woozie) until I stepped into the makeup room and there was a brunette in curlers with black glasses and I was all “Bitch stole my look” and then she said “Excuse me?” and I tried to explain myself but I was too mumbly to makes sense and then she took her hair out of the curlers AND IT WAS LISA LOEB.
Lisa Loeb isn't in this picture because I ran away from her as soon as I possibly could because I'd been mortified enough. She was very nice though.
I signed several boobs and one moob and some dead frogs. I’ll sign anything.
No, really. Anything.
People brought me awesome, bizarre things. Including a Tupperware bowl with an edible version of the dead mouse on the cover of my book:
No shit, y'all.
It tasted adorable. And suspicious. I was very hungry.
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I spoke in a quavering voice between a variety of dumpsters.
Dumpsters not shown.
And people laughed.
That empty seat was reserved for Nathan Fillion. Just in case.
And it was good.
More to come (including new tour dates!)…
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