Category Archives: blogging about blogging again

I think we all knew the world would end like this anyway.

and thats how the world ended

Original image

UPDATED:  I posted this and then Facebook immediately crashed.  The implosion has begun, people.

Oh, hell yes.

This video:

This gives me back my faith in social media.

A giant salute to any of you who have ever quit a job that focuses on pageviews and ad dollars over quality.  Another salute to those of you who sometimes spend days in silence rather than adding something blah just for hits.  Sometimes it’s okay to just shut up and listen.  Sometimes it’s okay to just use your voice to promote other people’s awesomeness.  I’m a writer, but I’m also an enormous reader too.  Thank you for respecting the latter in the decisions you make about what you put out into the world.

And another thank you to the people on my blog who advertise here.  I know how rare it is to be able to pay for my server costs without using an ad network.   I recognize how lucky I am that most of the advertisers I have on my blog are fellow writers or bloggers or artists or small businesses who never tell me what I can or can’t write.  I’m so lucky that I usually have waiting lists of people to get on my sidebar because people are so happy to support this blog.  I love that my readers discover new and amazing people who advertise here.  And mostly, I love that I’m part of this community.  Thank you for that.

PS.  Speaking of letting other voices be heard, have you read or heard something lately that you’d like to share?  A song, a book, a post?  If so, leave it in the comments.  It’s up to us to make sure the good rises to the top, and that doesn’t always happen without help.  Spotlight the good.  Banish the shit.  Ignore the mediocre.  This is the way we work.  This is the way we get better.  This is the way we learn.

PPS.  And by “we” I mean “me” too.  I’m still learning every day what works and what doesn’t.  I’m still learning that sometimes my silly fluff can be amazing, but it can also be utter crap.  Also, “good” doesn’t necessarily mean “happy and sweet and positive.”  Some of the best, most important and hardest things to read are critical or painful or bitter.  Sometimes that means reading hard facts about ourselves.  Sometimes that means admitting that there’s a kernel of truth there and that change is needed.  Sometimes it means learning to judge yourself in a kinder way.  Sometimes it means that there are assholes in the world who need to be punched in the junk.  But always, it is good.  Learning and listening and growing is good.

PPPS.  I’m rambling.  This is one of those posts where I look at it and wonder if it should go with the thousands of other of unfinished posts in my draft folder, but today I’m listening to the voice that says “This is good.  Not for everyone.  But maybe it will help for someone.”

I hope that someone is you.

And now I can't unsee it. And neither can you.

And this is why I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest:

thebloggess.com

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And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by The Big Book of Dumb White Husband.  If you’re not him, you know him. He’s challenged the grocery store. He’s confronted the HOA. He’s even taken on Santa. He loses—a lot. These are the tales of the Dumb White Husband and they are now available all in one dumb place—the bestselling Big Book of Dumb White Husband by Benjamin Wallace.

And you still haven't found what you're searching for. Because my blog got in your way.

At the end of each year I pull up my analytics to see what search terms actually brought people to this blog because it’s incredibly confusing to everyone involved.  2012 was no exception and I’m sharing a few of my favorite google searches that brought you all here (in order of # people searching that term).  Never change, weirdos…

2012 Strange Google Searches That Brought People to The Bloggess.com:

“Knock knock, motherfucker” ~  3,308 

“Sasquatch sightings”  ~ 2,086

“This chicken will cut you” ~ 490

“Thanks for ruining batman” ~ 403

“I have no idea what I’m doing” ~ 288

“No one’s going to be able to relate to a corpsey chocolate vampire and his gay bird lover” ~ 99

“Feet must be covered while sleeping” ~ 79

“Hamster erections” ~ 79

“What size shirt should my cat wear?” – 69

“Chupacabra cobra death match” ~ 59

“zombie chicken porn” ~ 49

“What to do if your wife is obsessed with unicorns?” ~ 40

“What size shirt does a 20 lb cat wear?” – 35

“Nathan Fillion shirtless” – 32

“Green poop at Disney World” ~ 31

“Dead whores” ~ 29

“World of Warcraft blow job” ~ 16

“National Vomit Day” ~ 14

“I hate it when I’m eating and a t-rex steals my chair” ~ 14

“Shit that shouldn’t be” ~ 10

“Meth in vagina makes sex better” ~ 5

“hey my name is rebekah what’s yours? i really like baked cheese and bears and such hahahahahahha i can type without looking at my key board” ~ 4

“Unruly vagina hair” – 4

“How did the hamsters even get jet lag?” ~ 3

“Do predators on To Catch a Predator get paid to be on tv?” ~ 1

“One letter is in my name is misspelled on my meds so will they take it at the airport?” ~ 1

“Cute tabby kittens saying misspelled things” ~ 1

“Nazi outfit on a weasel” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino with mange” ~ 1

“Raccoon albino without mange” ~ 1

“Cheese is funner”  ~ 1

“Would a picture of fork tines sticking out someones butt be considered art?” ~ 1

“Anteaters dressed like people” ~ 1

“bunnies aren’t just cute like every body supposes, they got them hoppy tails and twitchy little noses, and whats with all the carrots, what do they need such good eye sight for any way, bunnies, bunnies it must be bunnies” ~ 1

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In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by the lovely Masala Chica.  From the author: “In Hindi, the word “Masala” means spice. I originally wrote a lot about growing up Indian American but most of the posts I write are universal, so the whole “Masala” thing doesn’t make as much sense. But I still like it. I write about family, politics, feminism, music, books and I bitch about a lot of random things. Disclaimer: I like gay people, immigrants and the homeless. Be forewarned.”

This isn’t a real post

Hi.  This isn’t a real post.  It’s a video of me speaking in London.  Except that I wasn’t really in London because that would be expensive, so instead I just called in and they put me on the jumbotron so I LITERALLY looked enormous compared to the other women on the panel.   Part of my speech ended up on this video by the wonderful @newmumonline but luckily she edited out the part where I was attacked by my cat, and the other part where I pretended to be Godzilla stalking my tiny, unsuspecting co-panelists.

It was awesome.  Thank you, London.

Next class: How to keep bees with handguns

I don’t have a lot to say here because I live in a mixed political home and so things are always a bit tense here after election day, but I will say that we can all stand together as one nation in hatred of that sound  you get when you try to erase something, but you don’t have any eraser left and so the metal part of the pencil squeals over the paper and then accordions it all up.  I think we can all agree that that shit needs to stop.  Also, overuse of the word “moist” and the word “panties.”  People using the phrase “moist panties” should have to spend two weeks in community service replacing worn pencil erasers.  The end.

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But not really because I had too much caffeine and can’t stop writing.  So instead I’ll share a bunch of shit I wrote that wasn’t funny enough to publish alone, in hopes that it gets funnier algebraically.

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True story:  I get these emails from Amazon recommending local stuff they think I’d be into.  In the last week I’ve been offered special deals on Beekeeping Classes, Handgun Practice, Permanent Makeup and Reflexology/Zip Line…which just sounds dangerous. I can’t tell if they really know me, or if they really don’t know me at all.

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Yesterday this thing happened to me that so blew my mind that I freaked out and called everyone I knew to tell them about it but then it turns out that I can’t write about because (swear to God) it might endanger the well-being of The Doctor and myself.  I have never in my entire life wanted to write about anything so much and it’s killing me inside.  I don’t have anything funny to add here but just pretend that I just proved without a shadow of a doubt that a possible real-life Time Lord and I spent some quality time together talking about testicles and I have pictures to prove it that I can never show.  And this is exactly why being a companion must be so bloody hard.

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My friend Edwin sent me this tweet:

Hmmm.

And I thought it was weird that he would send me something so rude that twitter would actually hide the image from me, but I went ahead and changed my settings to let even the most horrific images come through and then I clicked it again.

Oh. Awesome.

Thanks, twitter.

Worst mittens ever

You know when you stick your hand into a box of triskets and then you feel to the bottom and it’s empty, and so you stick your other hand in the pop tart box and it’s empty too, and then you step back from the pantry and you’re wearing the empty snack boxes like giant ill-fitting mittens while you stare at the pantry in an vain effort to look for anything else to eat, and your husband walks in and looks at you, and you’re all “I didn’t eat all of these.  They were already eaten before I got here” and your husband is like, “But why are you wearing them?” and you’re all “I. don’t. know.”

Me too.

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In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by ebook publisher Open Road Media and their Fright-Free Halloween campaign, promoting family-friendly fall cooking, craft ebooks and Halloween-themed children’s stories that take the scary out of Halloween for kids.  Check out  The Berenstain Bears Get the Scardies ebook.  It’s like The Shining, but with bears and no corpses.

I made this.

I made you this. (Mainly because I need to raise some money for something ridiculous, stupid and awesome.)  It’s the perfect refrigerator magnet (as you might remember from my book).  It works in a multitude of ways: Scares off people stealing from your fridge.  Threatens your spouse during an argument when you aren’t speaking to them.  Helps you stay on your diet.

(I guess in this case “multitude” equals “3”.)

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In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Robin’s Chicks, a humor blog you should probably check out.   Robin also wrote a great book called Ketchup is a Vegetable, and she has a really good recipe for fried okra I may have to try.

We set a record, you guys.

We set a record last night, taking down twitcam in a whopping 47 minutes.  Conclusion:  I think we’ve just found the best format for doing the #bloggessbookclub.  I’m tempted to take down Google + tonight but I don’t know enough about Google + to even open it correctly.  It’s sort of shocking that I work on the internet and know so little about the internet.

We’ve got tonight and tomorrow to finish up the BloggessBookClub and tonight we’re going on through chapter 22 (I Am the Wizard of Oz of Housewives {In That I Am Both “Great and Terrible” and Because I Sometimes Hide Behind the Curtains}) and I’ll be doing a reading if I don’t get to nervous and sweaty.

Also, a few people suggested that if you think the phrase “Lawsbians” is too much for you then you could drop the “b” but then it’s just “Lawsians”, which just sounds a lot like “lozenge”.  I’m not a big fan over everyone calling themselves Lozenges but it’s up to you.  That’s the beauty of living in a democratic society.  You get to name yourself after cough drops if you want.

 

If you want in again for tonight just check my twitter stream at 7p central and I’ll give you the link.

See you tonight?  Pretty please?

PS.  I had several people who asked if they could see my office.  And yes!  You totally can.  It’s not normally this clean.  Also, turnabout is fair play so if you want to share links to pics of your desk in the comments that would be awesome.  If it was dirty it would make me feel much better about myself.  Just saying.

pics by Maile Wilson

I shouldn't be allowed on live anything

Things I said this month on live tv or radio that made me think “Wow, I should not be allowed to do live media”:

“I mean, I don’t want to finger the guy who sold me all those drugs.”

That?  Oh, that was me pretending to be attacked by a Sasquatch.”

“I’m on a LOT of cold medication.”

“Unless you came out of my birth canal and lady garden you don’t get to call me ‘mommy’.”

“When do we start?  Shit.  We’ve already started, haven’t we?”

“No, the weasel was already dead when I opened it.”

“So then I was stuck in the cow’s..uh…can I say “vagina” if I’m referring to a cow’s vagina?”

“I did a lot of clown porn stuff.  Victor wasn’t pleased.  He hates clowns.”

“They really shouldn’t let me on live radio.”

I also did a Skype reading wearing a strapless dress and it looked like I was naked and I didn’t notice it until someone else posted a picture of me.

Dear me: Perhaps you should avoid tube tops on Skype. And just...you know...in general.

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In unrelated news, I’m doing the weekly wrap-up early because we’re taking Hailey to DisneyWorld this weekend to make me feel like a less terrible mother since I’ve been gone on tour so much.

So now, time for the weekly wrap-up…

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Cafe Rio, who make the best tortillas IN THE WORLD.  At least, according to my husband.  I’ve never been there because it’s in Utah, but it looks delicious.  Also, I accidentally called it “Cuh-FERRY-oh” the first time I saw it because the link had it all one word and then Victor was all “You mean ‘Cafe Rio’?” and then he never stopped making fun of me.  And now I want tortillas.  Thanks, Cuh-ferryoh.