We are tight like O.J.’s glove

Random hallway conversation with coworker: 

Kregg:  If I’m ever dying in the hospital I just hope someone shows up with a hammer and a pillow.

Me:  Oh, I’ll do it.  No problem.

Kregg:  Aw, thanks.

Me:  I’ll be all “Kregg said he wanted these” and then I’ll just lay them down in the bed next to you and leave.

Kregg:  And then the next day I’ll wake up and I’ll be all “Hey, who brought the pillow and hammer?  Cool.  I bet it was Jenny. Let’s go miniature golfing.”

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Homemade video + the lyrics “You have everything I want and need, just like Walmart” =  Awesome Valentine.

Giant squid + heart =  Totally fucked up Valentine.

Thought you should know.

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Bubba-the-half-paralyzed-shaved-tub-cat update:

bubba.jpg

56 thoughts on “We are tight like O.J.’s glove

Read comments below or add one.

  1. is it sad that any valentine would be appreciated in my world? octopus and heart even acceptable. i’m officially fucking pathetic.

    dude. i love your freaking cat. and btw, billybob is doing the senile/kidney failure urination all over the house thing. it’s gonna get dark at the casa de madness methinks. guidance?

  2. I’m reminded of the old saying, “When all you’ve got is a hammer, everything looks like a hospital patient.”

    And here’s wishing Bubba a speedy recovery, because GAT-DAMN that’s a funny cat.

  3. What would really be scary would be if Bubba started flashing the “squeezed by invisible bears” grin as you were taking his picture.

    On the other hand… what an awesome photo of Hailey to show to her beaus when you first meet them!

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Sunrise

  4. Pillow and hammer buddies are hard to come by. I thought I had one lined up a while back, but now I’m not so sure. I probably should get a back-up pillow and hammer buddy just in case the first one flakes on me.

  5. “How’d you get them to stay in that pose???”

    Um…he’s paralyzed?

    This is probably the only advantage of having a half-paralyzed cat. That and the kick-ass photo I’ll be submitting to stuffonmycat.com.

  6. I think I have to change jobs now… here’s the one I heard…

    “So she came over anyway”
    “Yeah?”
    “Yeah, but I’m totally confused how she went from having trust issues to having unprotected anal on the first date.”

    Actually, perhaps I should stay here.

    furiousball’s last blog post..Why the Shadow Shuddered

  7. Lucky! Every little girl needs a half-paralyzed cat. I’m so jealous. All the cats I knew clawed me and ran away when I tried to get them to lie down like a baby doll.
    Also, I hope stuffonmycat.com is not a joke because I am SO heading over there right now.

    Anne’s last blog post..You are a bad parent to somebody!

  8. So how did Hailey and Bubba get along BEFORE? Because now, Bubba is every little girl’s dream cat. Just like a stuffed one, but actually alive.

    Poor Bubba – he can make me laugh and cry all at the same time.

    Sayre’s last blog post..Feelin’ Groovy

  9. You guys are cracking me up.

    Actually Bubba and Hailey lived in very separate worlds before “the incident”. Now things have changed. But luckily for us, now Bubba has developed explosive diarrhea so that’s like his own mini defense system. I’m not kidding.

    At all.

  10. Anne, commentluv may not like you, but it made me go take a look, soooooo….

    Jenny, I have total sympathy to poor paralyzed tub-cat Bubba. To think, INSIDE he is screaming and clawing for all he’s worth, and OUTSIDE…well, he’s a Barbie cat.

    markira’s last blog post..Today I’m on London Time

  11. I’m scared of Bubba’s wrath. I think he’s going to go on a rampage and destroy you guys, then he’s going to check your blog to see who commented on his state of paralysis. Somehow, he’ll find me and half-run half-drag himself through the internet connection into my room . . . Man, I should really stop eating spicy food.

    Law School Hot Mama’s last blog post..I’ve been Memed!

  12. I feel for Bubba, I do. But I swear to god that’s a girl’s dream cat right there (minus the explosive diarrhea). I’m generally opposed to clothes on pets now, but when I was little, I would have had that cat dressed up and sipping tea by 8 a.m.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog! Love yours, (laughed so much that it actually registered on my kids’ radar–a nearly impossible feat), and have added it to my blogroll.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..My bright, young feminist

  13. Thanks for the excellent valentine advice, which I think will be most helpful while I’m helping my son make 32 valentines for his class and daughter make 33. By the time I hit #54, I’ll pretty much be ready to let them draw a squid if they want. But I will now try hard to avoid this. 🙂

    MommyTime’s last blog post..I am, officially, out of the (pantry) closet

  14. When I see that stripey hair I always think tiger, but zebra is so much better. Now I am going to laugh when ever one of those striped mom’s breezes by. As if I wasn’t weird enough already!

    clickmom’s last blog post..up for a breath of air

  15. Wow – fortunately for you AND us, you snapped that pic before Bubba had his explosive Diarrhea incident. Nothing like a bean bag full of a hershey squirt incident and a child screaming because the cat got his revenge all over her!

  16. hm. that’s some very creepy shit. The one I got said: “Can’t Do It In Real Life? Do It On Defiantmuse.”. Personally, I don’t like the implications of that. It makes me think about the goings on in some sleazy whorehouse. wtf? btw, I love, love, love your blog. You. are. hysterical.

    Defiantmuse’s last blog post..Home is Where the Heart is?

  17. OMG – I thought you said pillow and a HAMSTER!!! And I thought to myself, “Self, this Kregg must be one strange cookie if he wants Jenny to bring him a hamster when he is in a persistent vegitative state. The pillow I can see, but a hamster? And I thought everyone used gerbils… Are hamsters easier to sneak in to hospitals? Cheaper maybe?” HAMMER – Oh, I get it now… But I still like my way better.

  18. I’ve spent 12 hours reading your blogs today. Swear to God. And I officially love you, not least of all because you are brave enough to say the shit I can only think. AND you seem to be the type of person who will appreciate this: Go to that advertising slogan generator and put in Hairy Twat. It’s. Fucking. Hysterical.

    http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi?word=Hairy+Twat

  19. As soon as he gets his land-legs back, you just know Bubba’s going to end up on ‘When Animals Attack’!

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