If my blog was a cocktail party, someone would be topless

I like to randomly click though my comments and pretend that I’m throwing a cocktail party for all my friends and that I’m just picking up little bits and pieces of their bizarre, disjointed conversations as I drunkenly push my way to the bathroom. 

For example:

Nonlinear girl: What kind of Christians are these that have such a big porn problem? Is the porn pushing itself into their homes without their consent? We have that problem with ants, but the porn doesn’t seem to get further than our porch.

Furiousball Ahh yes the cat water hump, which is another one of my failed business venture.   It was a mobile cat humping/wheelbarrow repair business. I called it Pussy Wheel-o. Never worked.

Kregg – I saw Cloverfield and it was great and I didn’t get sick because I’m great. I love movies where everyone dies cause it’s all like, “In your face happy endings.” No one learns a thing and no questions are answered. Ha ha ha ha ha.
That monster totally didn’t know his way around the city and was clearly frustrated.

Mamatulip – Dave would be completely mortified and would probably have to go do something manly like punch Chuck Norris in the cock if he left the movie theatre because a movie made him puke.

Spamboy – There is no difference between Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel. Both of them are my wife’s “girl crushes” and neither of them will sleep with me.

Heather – I bet Victor likes sporks, too. I do. Sporks are the SHIT.

Sayre –  I used to shave my brother the body builder, the parts he couldn’t reach.

Karmyn – When we’re done talking on the phone my husband always says to me “Thanks for calling” like I’m some old acquaintance.

Furiousball – My dog told me that when he gets to the point that I have to put him down he wants to be shot out of a cannon over Snake Canyon (just like Evil Knievel).  Oh also, he told me to listen to Nirvana’s Incesticide backwards to get his next orders.

Clint – I found this site looking for a work for my Squid phobia. Brrr. EVIL things. There was a BBC documentary saying that in a few hundred thousand years they may evolve to walk upon the land. I hope nobody finds out the secret to eternal life while I am about.

Yvette “Your submission included words that may not be appropriate. Ass.”
Do all people in Houston write like this? Ass? If so, I could totally live in Houston. Ass. Now I live in Utah. Ass. Did you know that people in Utah read your blogs? Ass? They do! Ass! They make us laugh! Ass!

Greta – Totally uncalled for, them calling you an ass. I also hate how wordpress and youtube call me a “user.”

Lotta – Why is everyone loving your hair? I totally want your boobs. I mean I don’t “want” them. I just want them on my body. Ok, wait this isn’t sounding at all like I mean.

Flutter:  Oh, my little sparkle fairy. My f**king little unicorn loving, multi-blogging trucker mouthed little pixie, Jenny. How I love thee. You and your pink ringed suspicious mole having, hilarity inducing, cuss word juggernaut. Ass.

Christine – It is, however, truly comforting to know that you really RESPECT the dead whores.

Stjnky – I’ve either been hallucinating, or there are a lot more elderly white women wearing japanese kabuki makeup in the downtown tunnels lately.

Hairy Weisenheimmer–  I woke up 15 minutes later looking at the underside of the commode with seriously brusied ribs a knot the size of Rhode Island on my head.Sweet. And, as I had never managed to get the door locked, my feet were sticking out into the hallway. Classy.

Lawyer Mama:  After a particularly rough evening trying to get the kids to bed my husband said (with all seriousness), “You know, you’ve been a real bummer lately.” Yes, he did. He said that to the woman who had just left her job on short term disability for depression. A real bummer. I nearly kicked him in the testicles.

The original lisa:  Evidently my hospital is run by a bunch of baboons with a few donkeys thrown in for good measure. You know, diversity in the workplace and all.

Eric G.:  Are you getting enough caramel apples in your diet?

-R- : My husband refuses to take drugs for his ulcers because he thinks the ulcers will get better as long as he acts tough.

Girl con Queso:  I say if you’re going to save money, a life preserver is the smart place to do it.

Willowtree: Are you saying your dog was fucking when he died? Because that’s how I want to go too.

Oh the effing Joys:  I just want them to shut the f*ck up and do my hair.

Margaret:  So you buy headless skinned rabbits and an assortment of thongs – do they ship them together? Or group together for discount on shipping?

Kevin Charnas:  I totally had a deep fried twinkie last year. AND a deep fried Ho-Ho. They were incredible (as would be a sock, if you deep fried it), right up to the point where I almost puked them up.

Anastasia Beaverhausen – When I first read the post title about how much it costs to have your cat humped I was really thinking about how there were other cats who would probably do that for free. Then I read the post.

Mark:  I don’t think they should use Elephants in Porn. Especially blue ones. They should be in the circus.

Anyway, I think it’s stuff like this that says a lot about this blog and the type of people it attracts.  Like the fact that you people are awesome.  And wonderful.  And freaks.  Awesome, wonderful freaks.

Try it out yourself…if your blog was a cocktail party, how would it sound?

82 replies. read them below or add one

  1. i would totally be content to be at this party, weird people kick ass and they are generally the best in bed, just like liars.

    furiousball’s last blog post..my penis emailed me?


  2. Oh if we should all have as many comments as you do! LOL! I love it! They all sound so insane just put out there like that. I love it when a husband understands a girl crush. (Spamboy’s comment) Mine just happens to be Sarah Jessica Parker and in a weird twisted way I’m starting to really like Angelina Jolie, even though my husband lusts after her too. Is that twisted or what?

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Writing & Talking


  3. I just re-read my comment. By “too” I meant he lusts after Angelina Jolie also, as in like I do. He doesn’t lust after SJP. He doesn’t find her attractive.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Writing & Talking


  4. and I have a couple of thoughts:

    1)it’s only fitting that below furiousball’s reply it says his latest post is called “my penis emailed me?”

    2) i have got to think of more scandalous things to say out here on these internetz in order that i get noticed. i mean, clearly, blogging about my twat was not enough. (snort)


  5. I have to say I’m jealous. You are so creative. Blog cocktail party? Brilliant. Now everyone’s going to be doing it. If I see them doing it I will let them know it’s yours. Dammit. Yours.

    Can I freshen anyone’s drink while I’m pledging my loyalty? I think Bloggess has garlic stuffed olives!

    Kiki’s last blog post..Paczki and Other Regrets


  6. Yeah, what she said!

    Great post, Jenny.

    Sandy’s last blog post..Fun Monday – Kicking the Bucket


  7. OK, so somehow I need to quadruple star your blog in my Google Reader because this is some funny shit and I’ve been missing it!!

    You have all the porn buzzwords with none of the actual porn content….look out internet!

    Sunshine’s last blog post..Another Day, Another Golden Nugget With Zach


  8. Oh. My. Shit. – I got quoted in The Bloggess.

    Now I can die.

    May I request to die the same way that your dog did and the way WillowTree wants to die? Not with either of them. I’m kinda hoping to get knocked up by my husband (no offense to your dog or to WillowTree. So I need to die AFTER I get knocked up. And I guess after I have the child. And raise him or her.

    So I guess I’m not ready to die yet.

    But Oh My Shit….I got quoted in The Bloggess.

    Margaret’s last blog post..Bullies


  9. Oh and I’m sorry I threw Circus Peanuts at you. But not sorry I threw one down your dress through your cleavage.

    (That’ll get me quoted next time)

    Margaret’s last blog post..Bullies


  10. Oh my Lord, Jenny. I’ve read a lot of your posts that make me want to throw up, but really? Did you HAVE to make me see the scabies one? Did you HAVE to point it out to me (and yes I know the comment wasn’t on this exact blog, but so what?) Damn it now I feel all itchy and I feel the need to check my cheerleader (yes, cheerleader) daughter head to toe for scabies. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. EW! Thanks for ruining my life. Or at least 5 minutes of it anyway.

    Aside from that, you rock.

    Simply Jenn’s last blog post..Fun Monday, bucket style


  11. I’m with Margaret. Getting quoted in The Bloggess…….

    I’ll never wash my computer again.

    Hairy Weisenheimmer’s last blog post..Thunder Snow?


  12. How can anyone possibly write a comment on this post in particular, especially if you missed the cocktail party, so now you’re all self-conscious because you realize you have nothing to add to the conversation, but you wanna say something, so you pull the best one you can out of the hat and it’s something like, “Furiousball’s penis emailed him??”, because that’s the kind of thing you notice but don’t really mean to say out loud.

    Ya know?

    My parties don’t begin to sound this…entertaining. What’s on the menu?

    Robin’s last blog post..My Favorite Valentine’s Gift of All Time


  13. And then we have The Bloggess, whose blog has actual medicinal properties.

    Oh, and furiousball: I think your p*n*s e-mailed me, too. Please tell it to stop.


    Ed T.’s last blog post..… and sometimes you just feel like some lemonade.


  14. My blogtail party would sound pretty quiet, I’m the only one who comments on my blog.

    Willowtree’s last blog post..Public Service Announcement(s)


  15. I’ve changed my mind. They really should use more elephants in Porn. I don’t care if it’s a niche market.

    Oh, and pay no attention to Willowtree, he’s only getting 30+ comments per post lately.

    mark’s last blog post..“Apart from Ending Up in the Same Cafe, I’ve Seen that Movie Before”


  16. Pay no attention to Mark, he has comment envy.

    Willowtree’s last blog post..Public Service Announcement(s)


  17. Oh, Jenny. I love you and your commenters so much.

    -R-‘s last blog post..Blog Share Info


  18. I’d like to thank my parents, and Jesus and that creepy janitor guy at my work who always pushes his broom really slow when I walk by and makes circly eyes in the direction of my vajayjay…oh wait…what was I talking about?

    Jenny rocks!

    Wow, and furiousball has both fury and literacy, all in his pants! YOU rock too!

    Greta’s last blog post..Paczki and Other Regrets


  19. LMAO you went in the wayback to pull that comment up, didn’t you, my little sparkle fairy?


    flutter’s last blog post..Of corsets and butterflies


  20. Ahem! I’d like to point out the absence of a certain commenter … stunningly handsome, abundantly insightful, charmingly witty … notably ABSENT.


  21. Shit, I must have been passed out in the bathroom during all of this. It always ends the same way for me.

    (the other) Jeff’s last blog post..Funny Business


  22. If my blog was a cocktail party it would consist of vomiting and/or screaming children. I think I’ll try it.

    Whit’s last blog post..Super Segue


  23. You get the BEST comments!

    Carrie’s last blog post..All Signs Say “Mom Needs a Vacation!”


  24. Nevermind Willowtree, he’s terribly jealous that my commenters, regardless of how many, really read my posts and don’t just look at the pictures.

    I forgot to thank bearded Jesus, the entire staff at IHOP, my fan club and Pepsi for slamming Justin Timberlake’s crotch into a mailbox post repeatedly in their recent super bowl commercial.

    mark’s last blog post..“Apart from Ending Up in the Same Cafe, I’ve Seen that Movie Before”


  25. I’m wildly inept at adult cocktail parties. My parties usually have one husband snoring on the couch, and at least one small child running around without a diaper screaming “Mommy-poopoo!”

    I really need to get out more often. Think that will help the traffic at my blog?

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Tonight was GIANT!


  26. My cocktail party would have the sound of crickets echoing off the walls. One person would drop by (in this particular weekend’s case, it would be YOU – SQUEE!), note the absence of any other person and quietly back out of the room.

    I mean, come ON. Even my own MOTHER doesn’t comment and I know she’s reading. *sniffle*

    Hatchet’s last blog post..VOTE: Caucus Tomorrow!


  27. It was a fantastic party. Thanks for inviting me. I’ve never looked so good in that dress.


  28. I am weeping with laughter!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Thinking of You


  29. Seriously, this is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I can’t even pick a favorite.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Thinking of You


  30. Anybody seen my pants?

    Willowtree’s last blog post..Depends on your point of view


  31. If you come to visit, I will totally hide the octopus decorated shower curtain so that you don’t have to see it (unless it’s only squid that bother you).

    Lady M’s last blog post..Game? What Game?


  32. My blog as a cocktail party would look like me in high school, staying home for the weekend alone because I wasn’t invited to *other* people’s cocktail parties. Then I’d break out my dad’s supply of Keystone Light and go to crazytown!

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Updates for January 19, 2008


  33. Holy crap, Jenny, you have the BEST readers in the Internet. And you are awesome. I would come to your cocktail party anytime. (I swear that’s not dirty)

    Bunny’s last blog post..Monday’s Gifts


  34. Now that would be some party… can I come to the next one!

    birchsprite’s last blog post..Love Thursday


  35. Oops… for a second I thought you were eavesdropping on one of my family dinners out at the farm! Sometimes they sound an awful lot like that. Yes, we’re twisted.

    Sayre’s last blog post..Fun Monday – My Bucket List


  36. My cocktail party would sound something like this:


  37. Because nobody would be there. Just me, pushing things around on the food table and rushing to the window every time a car drove by, hoping that it would be someone showing up at my party, until I eventually gave up, shut off all the lights, ate all the food and drank all the liquor in a futile attempt to console myself against the realization that everyone was obviously having WAY more fun at Jenny’s party.

    markira’s last blog post..Struggle


  38. Okay, first of all, dayum. I post something before I go to bed, wake up and the internets have exploded.

    Secondly, you guys are hysterical.

    Third, I think I need to set some of you guys up with each other because you are all amazing and need to discover each other. Like at the end of The Pirate Movie when Christie McNichol realizes she can’t get married until her sisters do and so she pairs up all the pirates and her sisters and then they sing “Give Me a Happy Ending” and do that big group dance? That was awesome. Where was I?

    Fourth, I love you guys.

    Fifth, if you weren’t included on this list you were still totally invited to the party but you were probably out in your car getting a really amazing hand job, having your secret crush admit that he loves you, or in the bathroom with me (holding my hair back as I threw up). And for that, I thank you.


  39. mine would probably sound like “OMG how come you haven’t been committed yet?” and “English isn’t your first language, is it?”.

    motherbumper’s last blog post..The [Toddler] Cell


  40. See, this is why commenters are great. I want to come to your cocktail party, please.

    Jess’s last blog post..Being overweight is un-PC.


  41. I think Flutter summed it up nicely. I think that should be your new tagline. 😉

    Kyla’s last blog post..You know you’re a techie family when…


  42. Holy shit your readers are hilarious. Can’t even compete. I just wrote compute on accident. I can’t compute how funny your readers are.

    doahleigh’s last blog post..Look what I won!


  43. I love it! Especially the quotes about the cat hump. They seem so utterly random.

    Karmyn R’s last blog post..Proverbs from my 1st Grader’s Mouth


  44. I read this last night and nearly wet myself. I just read it again and nearly wet myself again.

    I’m going to go buy some Depends. Clearly they are required when reading your blog.

    mamatulip’s last blog post..Gimmie a title?or two?


  45. could someone get me a refill on my beergarita so i can take another muscle relaxer?


    biddy’s last blog post..Ummm


  46. My cocktail party would be pretty small, but at least Jenny would show up!!

    I’d totally bring you a cool washcloth for your head after you threw up in the bathroom, Jenny.

    avonlea’s last blog post..Hands are for…


  47. And I would provide mints…cause really, honey? The breath…

    markira’s last blog post..The 123/5/3 Meme


  48. Jenny – I’d totally hold your hair back for you, rub your back, tell you it will all be ok, and get you a drink of water.

    Or I’d be laughing my ass off, cocktail in hand.

    it’s a toss up.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Fresh Snow


  49. If my blog were a cocktail party, everybody would be wasted with a lamp shade on their head.

    Law School Hot Mama’s last blog post..Voting


  50. DAMN! Now I’ve got to go change my big girl panties caused I laughed a little too hard. I’m great at parties. Really.

    zenmomma’s last blog post..Looks like we got us a Non-Con tradition


  51. I love this. And lady, your cocktail party would be WAAAY more interesting than my cocktail party. I need to work on that!

    Absolutely Bananas’s last blog post..The Great Interview experiment


  52. Dude, I’m nowhere cool enough to get crazy comments like yours. But you have the coolest comments in the world.

    Phoenix’s last blog post..Strength


  53. That’s just beautiful.

    My cocktail party? Goes a little something like this:

    * *

    Sort of like my real-life parties! It’s a whirlwind, my life!


  54. Mine wouldn’t be nearly as cool as yours. Your freaks are way better than my freaks – although there are some of the same freaks.

    Beckie’s last blog post..Fun Monday – Bucket List


  55. Sadly, I think if my blog were a cocktail party everyone would fall asleep. I am going to have to think up something extremely scandalous to post so that my readers wake up and start being more interesting. Do you think they would be offended if I told them that??

    Great post 🙂

    Chris’s last blog post..Prince Caspian The next movie from C.S. Lewis’s The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe series


  56. Holy crap that is hysterical! Unfortunately I do not have the volume of comments to throw a cocktail party. Maybe an intimate gathering in a closet?

    andrea’s last blog post..May I have this dance?


  57. I’m very jealous of the people that got quoted. Although I know I didn’t because I was probably too drunk to speak a coherent sentence. I don’t get out much anymore.

    Luann’s last blog post..A good cry


  58. Willowtree – your pants are in the washing machine. You “soiled” them when you blacked out – remember? When you woke up you put them in the wash.

    mark’s last blog post..“Apart from Ending Up in the Same Cafe, I’ve Seen that Movie Before”


  59. Jenny –

    I’ll keep making the beergarita’s, but could you tell furiousball’s penis to stop stalking me? Also – I brought my camera so that we can take pictures of you throwing up your toenails in the toilet. Hey – we gotta have “material” to bring to the next party right? Isn’t that what friends are for? !! ?

    Who’s can of Reddi-Whip is this?


  60. You throw much better parties than I do.

    The other Kiki’s last blog post..If this blog were a cocktail party


  61. Hahahahah! Brilliant idea. But you had excellent material with which to work.

    slouching mom’s last blog post..Nature 1, Nurture 0


  62. I soo needed that today! Thanks for making me laugh. You rock!

    Lauraszoo’s last blog post..Party time?NOT (editted)


  63. Okay, slouching mom is banned…no-one says “…with which to work.” and gets away with it.

    Mark, those pants weren’t soiled, that was just some fudge I was saving for later. Oh, and that was a washing machine? My bad.

    Willowtree’s last blog post..Depends on your point of view


  64. So now I find out that while I was passed out in the bathroom someone was giving out amazing hand jobs in the parking lot too? Story of my life.

    (the other) Jeff’s last blog post..Why is Miley Cyrus playing hard to get?


  65. Not like this, that’s for sure! Most of my commenters are disturbingly sane by comparison. I’m a little jealous, I gotta tell you.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..I’ve Got To Admit, It’s Getting Better…


  66. 66
    Just A. Reader

    “If my blog was a cocktail party, someone would be topless”

    Go ahead and admit it … it would be you.


  67. I actually had a party once where my friend hid the grapes from the fruit tray in all kinds of obsure places. Years later, I wondered why a raisin was stuck on the end of my chandelier. Yeah, my parties were like that. That one was in celebration of Mount Pinatabu exploding and the subsequent evacuation from the Philippines. Stupid fighter pilot friends of mine, your parties might be better (at least easier to clean up.)


  68. Best. Post. EVER.


    I wouldn’t be topless. But I wouldn’t be wearing panties.

    Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

    Heather’s last blog post..A Study in Southern Culture


  69. That would be a damn good party — but I am a sucker for a pithy ass comment. Ok sucker wasn’t the right choice of words,but whatever.

    (just got sucked in, by the by, due to your attractive name on a comment you left with the Nonlinear One. Cool blog)

    mo’s last blog post..Inter-blog Commentary: I feminist, I suck


  70. When Karmyn’s husband says that to me I say
    “you are welcome, and so very tall.”

    Pamela’s last blog post..Fun Monday – The Top of My List


  71. GAH. You are so funny, and I really needed that tonight. Thanks. 🙂


  72. I’m just thrilled to get invited. I’m the drunken woman humping your left leg over in the corner. Next year at Con Queso? I’ll be doing both of them

    AB’s last blog post..Baby, It’s You…


  73. If Bossy’s blog were a cocktail party everyone would be too hammered for small talk.


  74. the truth is that as a veteran crotch watcher, i’d probably be topless and upside down watching junk while drunk passing by. oh, and i tend to grab crotches too which can be either pleasurable or unnerving. NOW i know i’m invited.


  75. Holy crap that is a lot to absorb. Could have been a scene in a Robert Altman film I think.

    Galoot’s last blog post..Damn It All!


  76. If I threw a cocktail party on my blog I’d be busy grabbing boobs. I’m the annoying boob grabber at parties.

    oh, yes, I am.

    My husband calls me “Handsy.”

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Her Mother is a Boob


  77. Oh, the effing BRILLIANCE!

    Oh, The Joys’s last blog post..All Hail My Essential Mediocrity!


  78. This is FABULOUS! Your parties are way cooler than mine. But I’m going to try it out anyway. I’m always copying you. Just wait until the neighbors see my Britney costume for Valentine’s Day. Or do you think I should save it for Halloween?

    LawyerMama’s last blog post..Why I’m Not Voting for Hillary


  79. wah..I wasn’t invited again. *sniff* And, I thought you liked me. *tosses raspberries at you* 😛 LOL

    The Pear Lady’s last blog post..Ho to the Hum – anyone got a bottle of rum?


  80. 80
    Little Monkies

    Drunk? Party? Friends? Sigh…


  81. If mine was a cocktail party I certainly wouldn’t get many people turning up :P.

    Miley Cyrus’s last blog post..Out & About With Mom


  82. 82
    Lady Penelope

    Oh WOW am I glad to be reading all the old posts and comments; THIS WAS AWESOME!
    That cocktail party was a hoot and a half!
    Love it!


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