If my blog was a cocktail party, someone would be topless

I like to randomly click though my comments and pretend that I’m throwing a cocktail party for all my friends and that I’m just picking up little bits and pieces of their bizarre, disjointed conversations as I drunkenly push my way to the bathroom. 

For example:

Nonlinear girl: What kind of Christians are these that have such a big porn problem? Is the porn pushing itself into their homes without their consent? We have that problem with ants, but the porn doesn’t seem to get further than our porch.

Furiousball Ahh yes the cat water hump, which is another one of my failed business venture.   It was a mobile cat humping/wheelbarrow repair business. I called it Pussy Wheel-o. Never worked.

Kregg – I saw Cloverfield and it was great and I didn’t get sick because I’m great. I love movies where everyone dies cause it’s all like, “In your face happy endings.” No one learns a thing and no questions are answered. Ha ha ha ha ha.
That monster totally didn’t know his way around the city and was clearly frustrated.

Mamatulip – Dave would be completely mortified and would probably have to go do something manly like punch Chuck Norris in the cock if he left the movie theatre because a movie made him puke.

Spamboy – There is no difference between Jessica Alba and Jessica Biel. Both of them are my wife’s “girl crushes” and neither of them will sleep with me.

Heather – I bet Victor likes sporks, too. I do. Sporks are the SHIT.

Sayre –  I used to shave my brother the body builder, the parts he couldn’t reach.

Karmyn – When we’re done talking on the phone my husband always says to me “Thanks for calling” like I’m some old acquaintance.

Furiousball – My dog told me that when he gets to the point that I have to put him down he wants to be shot out of a cannon over Snake Canyon (just like Evil Knievel).  Oh also, he told me to listen to Nirvana’s Incesticide backwards to get his next orders.

Clint – I found this site looking for a work for my Squid phobia. Brrr. EVIL things. There was a BBC documentary saying that in a few hundred thousand years they may evolve to walk upon the land. I hope nobody finds out the secret to eternal life while I am about.

Yvette “Your submission included words that may not be appropriate. Ass.”
Do all people in Houston write like this? Ass? If so, I could totally live in Houston. Ass. Now I live in Utah. Ass. Did you know that people in Utah read your blogs? Ass? They do! Ass! They make us laugh! Ass!

Greta – Totally uncalled for, them calling you an ass. I also hate how wordpress and youtube call me a “user.”

Lotta – Why is everyone loving your hair? I totally want your boobs. I mean I don’t “want” them. I just want them on my body. Ok, wait this isn’t sounding at all like I mean.

Flutter:  Oh, my little sparkle fairy. My f**king little unicorn loving, multi-blogging trucker mouthed little pixie, Jenny. How I love thee. You and your pink ringed suspicious mole having, hilarity inducing, cuss word juggernaut. Ass.

Christine – It is, however, truly comforting to know that you really RESPECT the dead whores.

Stjnky – I’ve either been hallucinating, or there are a lot more elderly white women wearing japanese kabuki makeup in the downtown tunnels lately.

Hairy Weisenheimmer–  I woke up 15 minutes later looking at the underside of the commode with seriously brusied ribs a knot the size of Rhode Island on my head.Sweet. And, as I had never managed to get the door locked, my feet were sticking out into the hallway. Classy.

Lawyer Mama:  After a particularly rough evening trying to get the kids to bed my husband said (with all seriousness), “You know, you’ve been a real bummer lately.” Yes, he did. He said that to the woman who had just left her job on short term disability for depression. A real bummer. I nearly kicked him in the testicles.

The original lisa:  Evidently my hospital is run by a bunch of baboons with a few donkeys thrown in for good measure. You know, diversity in the workplace and all.

Eric G.:  Are you getting enough caramel apples in your diet?

-R- : My husband refuses to take drugs for his ulcers because he thinks the ulcers will get better as long as he acts tough.

Girl con Queso:  I say if you’re going to save money, a life preserver is the smart place to do it.

Willowtree: Are you saying your dog was fucking when he died? Because that’s how I want to go too.

Oh the effing Joys:  I just want them to shut the f*ck up and do my hair.

Margaret:  So you buy headless skinned rabbits and an assortment of thongs – do they ship them together? Or group together for discount on shipping?

Kevin Charnas:  I totally had a deep fried twinkie last year. AND a deep fried Ho-Ho. They were incredible (as would be a sock, if you deep fried it), right up to the point where I almost puked them up.

Anastasia Beaverhausen – When I first read the post title about how much it costs to have your cat humped I was really thinking about how there were other cats who would probably do that for free. Then I read the post.

Mark:  I don’t think they should use Elephants in Porn. Especially blue ones. They should be in the circus.

Anyway, I think it’s stuff like this that says a lot about this blog and the type of people it attracts.  Like the fact that you people are awesome.  And wonderful.  And freaks.  Awesome, wonderful freaks.

Try it out yourself…if your blog was a cocktail party, how would it sound?

82 thoughts on “If my blog was a cocktail party, someone would be topless

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Oh if we should all have as many comments as you do! LOL! I love it! They all sound so insane just put out there like that. I love it when a husband understands a girl crush. (Spamboy’s comment) Mine just happens to be Sarah Jessica Parker and in a weird twisted way I’m starting to really like Angelina Jolie, even though my husband lusts after her too. Is that twisted or what?

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Writing & Talking

  2. I just re-read my comment. By “too” I meant he lusts after Angelina Jolie also, as in like I do. He doesn’t lust after SJP. He doesn’t find her attractive.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Writing & Talking

  3. and I have a couple of thoughts:

    1)it’s only fitting that below furiousball’s reply it says his latest post is called “my penis emailed me?”

    2) i have got to think of more scandalous things to say out here on these internetz in order that i get noticed. i mean, clearly, blogging about my twat was not enough. (snort)

  4. I have to say I’m jealous. You are so creative. Blog cocktail party? Brilliant. Now everyone’s going to be doing it. If I see them doing it I will let them know it’s yours. Dammit. Yours.

    Can I freshen anyone’s drink while I’m pledging my loyalty? I think Bloggess has garlic stuffed olives!

    Kiki’s last blog post..Paczki and Other Regrets

  5. Oh. My. Shit. – I got quoted in The Bloggess.

    Now I can die.

    May I request to die the same way that your dog did and the way WillowTree wants to die? Not with either of them. I’m kinda hoping to get knocked up by my husband (no offense to your dog or to WillowTree. So I need to die AFTER I get knocked up. And I guess after I have the child. And raise him or her.

    So I guess I’m not ready to die yet.

    But Oh My Shit….I got quoted in The Bloggess.

    Margaret’s last blog post..Bullies

  6. Oh and I’m sorry I threw Circus Peanuts at you. But not sorry I threw one down your dress through your cleavage.

    (That’ll get me quoted next time)

    Margaret’s last blog post..Bullies

  7. Oh my Lord, Jenny. I’ve read a lot of your posts that make me want to throw up, but really? Did you HAVE to make me see the scabies one? Did you HAVE to point it out to me (and yes I know the comment wasn’t on this exact blog, but so what?) Damn it now I feel all itchy and I feel the need to check my cheerleader (yes, cheerleader) daughter head to toe for scabies. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. EW! Thanks for ruining my life. Or at least 5 minutes of it anyway.

    Aside from that, you rock.

    Simply Jenn’s last blog post..Fun Monday, bucket style

  8. How can anyone possibly write a comment on this post in particular, especially if you missed the cocktail party, so now you’re all self-conscious because you realize you have nothing to add to the conversation, but you wanna say something, so you pull the best one you can out of the hat and it’s something like, “Furiousball’s penis emailed him??”, because that’s the kind of thing you notice but don’t really mean to say out loud.

    Ya know?

    My parties don’t begin to sound this…entertaining. What’s on the menu?

    Robin’s last blog post..My Favorite Valentine’s Gift of All Time

  9. I’d like to thank my parents, and Jesus and that creepy janitor guy at my work who always pushes his broom really slow when I walk by and makes circly eyes in the direction of my vajayjay…oh wait…what was I talking about?

    Jenny rocks!

    Wow, and furiousball has both fury and literacy, all in his pants! YOU rock too!

    Greta’s last blog post..Paczki and Other Regrets

  10. I’m wildly inept at adult cocktail parties. My parties usually have one husband snoring on the couch, and at least one small child running around without a diaper screaming “Mommy-poopoo!”

    I really need to get out more often. Think that will help the traffic at my blog?

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Tonight was GIANT!

  11. My cocktail party would have the sound of crickets echoing off the walls. One person would drop by (in this particular weekend’s case, it would be YOU – SQUEE!), note the absence of any other person and quietly back out of the room.

    I mean, come ON. Even my own MOTHER doesn’t comment and I know she’s reading. *sniffle*

    Hatchet’s last blog post..VOTE: Caucus Tomorrow!

  12. It was a fantastic party. Thanks for inviting me. I’ve never looked so good in that dress.

  13. If you come to visit, I will totally hide the octopus decorated shower curtain so that you don’t have to see it (unless it’s only squid that bother you).

    Lady M’s last blog post..Game? What Game?

  14. My blog as a cocktail party would look like me in high school, staying home for the weekend alone because I wasn’t invited to *other* people’s cocktail parties. Then I’d break out my dad’s supply of Keystone Light and go to crazytown!

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Updates for January 19, 2008

  15. Holy crap, Jenny, you have the BEST readers in the Internet. And you are awesome. I would come to your cocktail party anytime. (I swear that’s not dirty)

    Bunny’s last blog post..Monday’s Gifts

  16. Because nobody would be there. Just me, pushing things around on the food table and rushing to the window every time a car drove by, hoping that it would be someone showing up at my party, until I eventually gave up, shut off all the lights, ate all the food and drank all the liquor in a futile attempt to console myself against the realization that everyone was obviously having WAY more fun at Jenny’s party.

    markira’s last blog post..Struggle

  17. Okay, first of all, dayum. I post something before I go to bed, wake up and the internets have exploded.

    Secondly, you guys are hysterical.

    Third, I think I need to set some of you guys up with each other because you are all amazing and need to discover each other. Like at the end of The Pirate Movie when Christie McNichol realizes she can’t get married until her sisters do and so she pairs up all the pirates and her sisters and then they sing “Give Me a Happy Ending” and do that big group dance? That was awesome. Where was I?

    Fourth, I love you guys.

    Fifth, if you weren’t included on this list you were still totally invited to the party but you were probably out in your car getting a really amazing hand job, having your secret crush admit that he loves you, or in the bathroom with me (holding my hair back as I threw up). And for that, I thank you.

  18. I read this last night and nearly wet myself. I just read it again and nearly wet myself again.

    I’m going to go buy some Depends. Clearly they are required when reading your blog.

    mamatulip’s last blog post..Gimmie a title?or two?

  19. My cocktail party would be pretty small, but at least Jenny would show up!!

    I’d totally bring you a cool washcloth for your head after you threw up in the bathroom, Jenny.

    avonlea’s last blog post..Hands are for…

  20. Jenny – I’d totally hold your hair back for you, rub your back, tell you it will all be ok, and get you a drink of water.

    Or I’d be laughing my ass off, cocktail in hand.

    it’s a toss up.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Fresh Snow

  21. That’s just beautiful.

    My cocktail party? Goes a little something like this:

    * *

    Sort of like my real-life parties! It’s a whirlwind, my life!

  22. I’m very jealous of the people that got quoted. Although I know I didn’t because I was probably too drunk to speak a coherent sentence. I don’t get out much anymore.

    Luann’s last blog post..A good cry

  23. Jenny –

    I’ll keep making the beergarita’s, but could you tell furiousball’s penis to stop stalking me? Also – I brought my camera so that we can take pictures of you throwing up your toenails in the toilet. Hey – we gotta have “material” to bring to the next party right? Isn’t that what friends are for? !! ?

    Who’s can of Reddi-Whip is this?

  24. Okay, slouching mom is banned…no-one says “…with which to work.” and gets away with it.

    Mark, those pants weren’t soiled, that was just some fudge I was saving for later. Oh, and that was a washing machine? My bad.

    Willowtree’s last blog post..Depends on your point of view

  25. “If my blog was a cocktail party, someone would be topless”

    Go ahead and admit it … it would be you.

  26. I actually had a party once where my friend hid the grapes from the fruit tray in all kinds of obsure places. Years later, I wondered why a raisin was stuck on the end of my chandelier. Yeah, my parties were like that. That one was in celebration of Mount Pinatabu exploding and the subsequent evacuation from the Philippines. Stupid fighter pilot friends of mine, your parties might be better (at least easier to clean up.)

  27. That would be a damn good party — but I am a sucker for a pithy ass comment. Ok sucker wasn’t the right choice of words,but whatever.

    (just got sucked in, by the by, due to your attractive name on a comment you left with the Nonlinear One. Cool blog)

    mo’s last blog post..Inter-blog Commentary: I feminist, I suck

  28. I’m just thrilled to get invited. I’m the drunken woman humping your left leg over in the corner. Next year at Con Queso? I’ll be doing both of them

    AB’s last blog post..Baby, It’s You…

  29. the truth is that as a veteran crotch watcher, i’d probably be topless and upside down watching junk while drunk passing by. oh, and i tend to grab crotches too which can be either pleasurable or unnerving. NOW i know i’m invited.

  30. This is FABULOUS! Your parties are way cooler than mine. But I’m going to try it out anyway. I’m always copying you. Just wait until the neighbors see my Britney costume for Valentine’s Day. Or do you think I should save it for Halloween?

    LawyerMama’s last blog post..Why I’m Not Voting for Hillary

  31. Oh WOW am I glad to be reading all the old posts and comments; THIS WAS AWESOME!
    That cocktail party was a hoot and a half!
    Love it!

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