Part one of the Guy Kawasaki experience: (I’m too hung over to write the rest but I swear, it’s coming and is mortifying/awesome/surprisingly porn-related.)
Evil Dwight from the Chronicle thought I should introduce Guy at the Houston Technology Center speaking event. I assured him that was the stupidest idea he’d ever come up with. He insisted. I reminded him that I can’t stop saying the word “vagina”
even especially when I’m on a microphone. Then I wrote up a little “What I would say” speech to show him how terrifically pear-shaped this all could have gone. He was horrified. But entertained. So he did read a very small, censored part of my speech when he introduced Guy.
This is the full, original speech:
My name is Jenny Lawson and I write for The Bloggess and Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle. I was pretty shocked when they asked me to introduce Guy because most people know that I’m unable to talk for more than 15 seconds without cursing inappropriately so it’ll be a pleasant surprise for all involved if I can manage not say the c word or start talking about “vagina’s” up here.
Guy Kawasaki first came on my radar several months ago when our pseudo-editor, Dwight Silverman of the Chronicle, emailed to tell us that our parenting blog had been picked up by Guy Kawasaki’s Alltop site and that this was “very significant”. And actually it was very significant, both because the recognition was nice and also because it marked one of the first emails I got from Dwight that didn’t tell me to stop using the f word or posting inappropriate dildo videos on the Chronicle. So, being a typical southern gentlewoman, I decided to email Guy and thank him, which I did. It was an email which may have included a few curse words and ended with me telling Guy I had no idea who he was and asking if he was the guy who invented the motorcycle. Unsurprisingly, Dwight was not pleased. But surprisingly, Guy actually wrote me back and thus began months of email correspondence between us. Granted, it was somewhat one-sided, with me sending long, rambling emails about lap dances and my paraplegic cat and Guy sending back short one-liners such as his most recent email to me which stated simply “Very funny dick story. Your bizarre business proposal needs work.” Which? He’s right on one part.
So I decided I should find out who this guy actually is and why when I tell people that he’s emailing me half of them stare at me blankly and the other half totally freak out and pee themselves in excitement. I decided to look on Wikipedia because that shit is always accurate and here’s what I found out:
Guy Kawasaki did not invent the motorcycle. He did, however, invent the internet. Or maybe something to help the internet. I’m really not sure because I got bored and stopped reading. Then when he was 30 he killed a drifter and totally got away with it. I’m not entirely certain that’s true but it makes for an interesting story. And really? (*long stare at Guy*) Prove you didn’t kill a drifter. You can’t. I rest my case.
But none of that really matters (except to the drifter’s parents who were probably pretty broken up about the whole affair). What does matter though is that Guy Kawasaki kicks ass. That Guy Kawasaki is totally famous. That Guy Kawasaki is a genius who looks a little like Jackie Chan and could probably take you out with a roundhouse kick if he wanted to. And, most importantly, that Guy Kawasaki is here with us tonight.
So without further ado, I give you…Guy Kawasaki.
Picture totally stolen and vandalized from the luscious Imelda.
Comment of the day: But was he cool? Because sometimes he just seems mean.
Like your vagina. ~ Liv
And my response: Guy Kawasaki is awesome and hysterical.
Like my vagina. ~ Jenny