I should totally introduce people for a living.

in "Kawasakied" is the new black., functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, Random Crap

Part one of the Guy Kawasaki experience:  (I’m too hung over to write the rest but I swear, it’s coming and is mortifying/awesome/surprisingly porn-related.)

Evil Dwight from the Chronicle thought I should introduce Guy at the Houston Technology Center speaking event.  I assured him that was the stupidest idea he’d ever come up with.  He insisted.  I reminded him that I can’t stop saying the word “vagina” even especially when I’m on a microphone.  Then I wrote up a little “What I would say” speech to show him how terrifically pear-shaped this all could have gone.  He was horrified.  But entertained.  So he did read a very small, censored part of my speech when he introduced Guy.

This is the full, original speech:

My name is Jenny Lawson and I write for The Bloggess and Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle.  I was pretty shocked when they asked me to introduce Guy because most people know that I’m unable to talk for more than 15 seconds without cursing inappropriately so it’ll be a pleasant surprise for all involved if I can manage not say the c word or start talking about “vagina’s” up here.

Guy Kawasaki first came on my radar several months ago when our pseudo-editor, Dwight Silverman of the Chronicle, emailed to tell us that our parenting blog had been picked up by Guy Kawasaki’s Alltop site and that this was “very significant”.  And actually it was very significant, both because the recognition was nice and also because it marked one of the first emails I got from Dwight that didn’t tell me to stop using the f word or posting inappropriate dildo videos on the Chronicle.  So, being a typical southern gentlewoman, I decided to email Guy and thank him, which I did.  It was an email which may have included a few curse words and ended with me telling Guy I had no idea who he was and asking if he was the guy who invented the motorcycle.  Unsurprisingly, Dwight was not pleased.  But surprisingly, Guy actually wrote me back and thus began months of email correspondence between us.  Granted, it was somewhat one-sided, with me sending long, rambling emails about lap dances and my paraplegic cat and Guy sending back short one-liners such as his most recent email to me which stated simply “Very funny dick story.  Your bizarre business proposal needs work.”  Which? He’s right on one part.

So I decided I should find out who this guy actually is and why when I tell people that he’s emailing me half of them stare at me blankly and the other half totally freak out and pee themselves in excitement.  I decided to look on Wikipedia because that shit is always accurate and here’s what I found out:

Guy Kawasaki did not invent the motorcycle.  He did, however, invent the internet.  Or maybe something to help the internet.  I’m really not sure because I got bored and stopped reading.  Then when he was 30 he killed a drifter and totally got away with it.  I’m not entirely certain that’s true but it makes for an interesting story.  And really? (*long stare at Guy*)  Prove you didn’t kill a drifter.  You can’t.  I rest my case.

But none of that really matters (except to the drifter’s parents who were probably pretty broken up about the whole affair).  What does matter though is that Guy Kawasaki kicks ass.  That Guy Kawasaki is totally famous.  That Guy Kawasaki is a genius who looks a little like Jackie Chan and could probably take you out with a roundhouse kick if he wanted to.  And, most importantly, that Guy Kawasaki is here with us tonight.

So without further ado, I give you…Guy Kawasaki.

Vagina.

kawa.jpg

Picture totally stolen and vandalized from the luscious Imelda.

Comment of the day: But was he cool? Because sometimes he just seems mean.

Like your vagina. ~ Liv

And my response:  Guy Kawasaki is awesome and hysterical. 

Like my vagina. ~ Jenny

88 thoughts on “I should totally introduce people for a living.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Oh, please! Totally do what Nikki just said. I’d love to see you take a different route & see how many ways you can incorporate vagina into a song about a whore using other names for them…. Like the harlot with the itchy beaver…..

    Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..HF: House of Mouse

  3. If a gynecology convention ever happens in your area, they should have you introduce everyone. Or, better yet, if the Mormons ever have a convention. I would pay money to see that crowd listening to you.

    Mary’s last blog post..No Doghouse Big Enough

  4. This world DEFINITELY needs my introductions with the word “vagina” ! THAT’S what we’ve all been missing!!! 😉

    Z’s last blog post..Well?

  5. You are as brilliant, as your daughter is ridiculously adorable. The word vagina makes any situation hilariously awkward…

    Vaginal Haiku

    Glorious Flower,
    Everyone can sense your life,
    A wash might be good.

  8. My name is Maggie Schutz and I write for Okay, Fine, Dammit and the Children’s Montessori School Newsletter. I was pretty shocked when they asked me to introduce Jenny the Bloggess because most people know that I’m unable to talk for more than 15 seconds without cursing inappropriately so it’ll be a pleasant surprise for all involved if I can manage not say the c word or start talking about ”vagina’s” up here.

    Jenny the Bloggess first came on my radar several months ago when she commented on my blog and my friends told me that this was “very significant”. And actually it was very significant, both because the recognition was nice and also because it marked one of the first comments I ever got that I didn’t pay someone to leave. So, being a typical midwestern gentlewoman, I decided to email Jenny and thank her, which I did. It was an email which may have included a few curse words and ended with me telling her I would have her babies with my vagina if she would just fucking ask already. Surprisingly, Jenny actually wrote me back and thus began months of email correspondence between us.

    So I decided I should find out who this gal actually is and why when I tell people that she’s emailing me half of them stare at me blankly and the other half totally freak out and pee themselves in excitement. I decided to look on Urban Dictionary because that shit is always accurate and here’s what I found out:

    Jenny the Bloggess is a woman whose sense of reality is so warped that she can’t exist outside a blog. She makes up words, invents illnesses, and kills pets in order to post.

    But none of that really matters (except to the pet’s parents who were probably pretty broken up about the whole affair). What does matter though is that Jenny the Bloggess kicks ass. That Jenny the Bloggess is totally famous. That Jenny the Bloggess is a genius who looks a little like Peggy Lee and could probably take you out with a roundhouse kick if she wanted to. And, most importantly, that Jenny the Bloggess is here with us tonight.

    So without further ado, I give you…Jenny the Bloggess.

    Vagina.

    Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..panic.

  11. I don’t respond to posts about events to which I was not invited, especially when I set Twitter to record drunken Dwight ramblings and he offered NONE.

    Also, I’d expect more from you and your readers—there is already a vagina song.

    Dude. http://tinyurl.com/3ht2sy

    I mean, what’s it mean when your friend named Goody Twoshoes (and that’s not a colonial times reference there) knows this?

    Julie Pippert’s last blog post..Our town: the front end of beyond (with photos)

  12. “Nothin’ could be finer
    Than to be a vagina
    In the morning”

    That’s almost a better haiku than Kregg’s. Except that it isn’t a haiku.

    Julie, 10 points for Ravenclaw!

  14. Wait. Not my *own* vagina.
    I just have vaginaphobia and prefer to stay as far away from them as possible. I haven’t changed my 2 year old’s diaper in three months.

  16. Oh so cool. And you even got dick in there too. And Maggie’s intro was way cool too. But what’s with Guy and Jackie Chan? One’s Japanese and one’s Chinese. Yeah yeah, we Asians all look alike.

  18. I can see why people were twittering about you so much last night. You caused quite a stir among the nerd community.

    So how was dinner? Did you and Guy share a plate of spaghetti “Lady and the Tramp”-style? I would’ve paid money to see that.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..rebel

  22. So the small censored speech sounded something like “Here’s Guy Kawasaki!”, right? Because nothing could compare to what you would have said.

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..$3.85

  23. it marked one of the first emails I got from Dwight that didn’t tell me to stop using the f word or posting inappropriate dildo videos on the Chronicle.

    So, what would an appropriate dildo video be for the Chron? I think that’s a topic worth exploring.

  24. I am convinced that Ted Sorenson’s first drafts look exactly like that. His thought process?

    “Ask not what your vagina can do for you, but what you can do for your vagina.”

    Hmm vagina. It doesn’t really flow…well it does…but not the way I want. Vagina, vagina. Country!

    Greta’s last blog post..Friday Classics?More Jazzerific Inspiration!

  27. We need a motivational speaker here at the Ranch. Are you free Saturday night?

    (we’re near San Angelo, I’ll send you full directions if you accept)

    Oh, btw, you’re awesome.

    ben’s last blog post..the fat man is down the road

  29. Jenny I would pay good money, hell I’ll pay bad money, to see you give a speech. Ever come to Dallas?

    Can’t wait to hear about how the dinner with Guy went. I’m not jealous, I’m not. Okay, maybe a little.

    My haiku:
    Vaginas, and men,
    Worship in Jenny’s comments
    Her brilliant humor

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Grey’s Anatomy S4ep12

  33. What a fab introduction, and I think you should start up a company called Vaginaductions, where you introduce internetty famous people at trade shows and such. And you could get t-shirts that say “Have You Heard My Vagina Today?” ( A second line of t-shirts could say “Have You Driven My Vagina Today?” which you could aim at the car show people) and sell them for $29.95 or maybe just $14.99, because you don’t want to rip people off, do you?
    Love,
    Kimber McNotStalkeryPants

  37. the only thing better than the word vagina are the many (not derogatory) nicknames.

    I think my favorite (this week) is mermaid’s purse…well, i don’t know, that’s actually a little sweet and hearkens back to fish slurs, maybe panty hamster because it’s cute but unsettling.

    epiphenita’s last blog post..sugar toes

  38. I got an honorable mention for writing a Barbie haiku for a Valentine’s Day contest that included “vagina”. Oh, wait, that was a different entry. The one that won had the word “slutticious” in it.

    PS- I don’t see that Guy has blogged about your dinner yet.

  40. I like that introduction, however there is one change that is needed:

    … What does matter though is that Jenny the Bloggess kicks ass. That Jenny the Bloggess is totally famous. That Jenny the Bloggess is a genius who looks a little like Peggy Lee and could probably take you out with a roundhouse kick if she wanted to. And, most importantly, that Jenny the Bloggess is here with us tonight.

    So without further ado, I give you…Jenny the Bloggess.

    Ass.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: A Day Late

  42. i’m holding out hope that you pronounced it “vageena” like you’d always said you would when you made that promise about promising to pronounce the word “vagina” with a long “e.” you promised, Jennay.

    that’s on the real.

    lildb’s last blog post..and she was.

  43. Can’t. Stop. Laughing. I had heard of most of those nicknames but never panty hamster, smurf crease, dugout or cat flaps. Though I also love the lips between the hips and cream collector. Love it!

    And fuck va-jay-jay. I’m calling it vageena from now on because that’s the best shit I’ve heard all day. Seriously, I fell out of my chair from laughter.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Summer’s officially here

  45. You soooo rock. Is BlogHer hiring you to do all the panel introductions at the conference this summer?

    Lady M’s last blog post..Et Tu?

  48. I’m going to drag you around with me at BlogHer and have you introduce me to everyone. Start writing your speech.

    And you won’t even have to include the word “vagina” because I am going to have that Bloggess/Britney photo made into a t-shirt to wear to all the big events. You’ll just have to point to the shirt. And your own vagina.

    Velveteen Mind – Megan’s last blog post..What do you have on *your* plate?

  50. i have a friend who’s daughter, when she learned the proper word for it, would go around LOUDLY proclaiming the word with a special emphasis on vagEYEna!! clear as a freaking bell. my friend was mortified until the tyke learned that some words are whisper at home words and not screaming in public words.

    pookie addams’s last blog post..bale out/bail out

  52. If I ever need introduction I would be honored if you were the one to do it. In fact, I encourage the use of the word “vagina”. I try to work it into a conversation whenever I can because I find it amusing to watch it take people totally by surprise.

    Tootsie Farklepants’s last blog post..Tootsie Talks ~ Some People Listen

  56. Don’t you think that it’s sad that we don’t live in a world that has vagina in all introductions? Or is that just me?

  57. I saw an add that said “Vagina is for lovers” when in reality it read “Virginia is for lovers”. The thing is I read it out loud and didn’t realize everyone was listening.

    shuttle mom’s last blog post..Out Back

  62. Pingback: And now for something totally different « Slices from the PearLady

  64. Oh my mind is going some really feelthy places right now. But I will keep it clean. For you my lovely vagina, shit, I mean Jenny.

    So did you get Guy to tongue kiss a picture of me for my husband? Please say you did! Cause I could totally get away with hiring a housekeeper and sit on my arse all day if you did.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Lovin’ on my peeps

  67. When I am famous, you can add me to the list of people that you can introduce. The word vagina is not used nearly enough in the world. It sounds so much better than the c word. Gag!

    I love Jackie Chan.
    Guy looks like Jackie Chan.
    Therefore I love Guy.

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..*Catchy title here*

  68. Am trying to visualize an “awesome and hysterical” vagina. Can only come up with something vaguely approximating someone dressed up in a something that looks like a cross between a giant foam promotional hotdog suit and a 3-D Georgia O’Keeffe ‘Black Orchid’ installation shrieking madly in high-pitched Valley Girl-speak.

    (*goes back to corner to huddle and natter to self*)

    Her Bad Mother’s last blog post..Evil Mom-Blogger Haters Sent Me Into Labor. Sort Of.

  70. 69 comments on the post page but only 68 on the comments page. where is the 69th comment? you KNOW these kinds of things keep me up all night! DAMNIT JIM!

    pooKie Addams’s last blog post..body of work

  71. I adore you people. And you vaginas (where applicable.)

    Pookie ~ That bothered me too until Victor told me that it was because one of the comments was a pingback (?).

  72. you know, i actually thought about the ping back thing. then i started to think about sling backs, then SLING BLADE, then you know, “i kinda like the way you talk” in that funny voice that kid talks in and then Billy Bob Thorton saying the same thing back to the kid, and how much his face has changed WTH!. then Angelina Jolie popped in my head and well, then I thought about pizza.

    pooKie Addams’s last blog post..DEREK AND THE DOMINOS BELL BOTTOM BLUES

  75. You should totally get to introduce doctors at gyno conventions. (Like another commenter said) Not only that, they should fly you to those places, just so they could have that honor. You could be like the Vanna White (only you talk!) of professional crotch talk!

    motherofbun’s last blog post..A laptop by any other name?

  77. Thanks for not making me Goggle “what’s his name!” 😉

    And since I’m to lazy to post this in your other post’s comments… I say “Right ON!” about “It is my life…” I’m blogg about my life. They make me go to band concerts that suck.. I may post that it sounds like 30 sick ducks sitting on a stage.

    Beth from The Funny Farm’s last blog post..How I Love To Spend My Saturdays!

  79. I think your blog needs to be turned into a SNL skit…. Anyone who has said that adults have a hard time reconnecting with their lost misbegotten youth, needs to read your comments section.

    I have never seen so many people so anxious to say the word vagina. Can’t wait for your next installment of the Kawasaki Encounter I am sure it only gets better. He really does look like he’s flipping someone off. Vagina!….just trying it out, I guess it does kinda of make you giggle when you say it.

    I wonder if there is a way to nominate the blog for SNL? I am sure now that I put it out there it will happen so let me know when it airs? This is some funny shit!

    GetSmartGal’s last blog post..What are you thinking About?

  82. I’m sure it’d be hee lair to read your comment thread, but since I haven’t blog/commented ANYWHERE in weeks, who’s got time for that?

    I DID see Houston’s comment and snorted.

    And Maggie, Dammit’s intro? Brilliant.

    Your readers are the funniest creatures on the planet……..apparently you inspire them to great things.

    Robin’s last blog post..Friday’s 40-or-less Photo Challenge (1)

  83. Pingback: Disclaimer: this post is not really about being naked with donkeys » The Bloggess

  84. what if you capitalized the word VAGINA… would that have more impact than just vagina… in bold or in cursive?

    Maybe saying it with a French accent would work for Guy as most japanese love french vagina. i think.

    Spence

  85. I have just read several blog entries about Guy K. and I still don’t know who the f*ck he is.

    This the first time I have read your blog and now I have brain damage.

    I’d call you a bitch but your bohemian father scares the shit out of me.

    Love the pics on flckr. Brought me back to consciousness and saved me from a life of watching porn.

  86. Pingback: Once upon a time, in the land of Demerol…

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