I both sicken and amuse myself.

in I swear to God I donate to Doctors without Borders, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished

 What I just heard on the radio: “…and as of today over a million shoes have been donated to Feed the Children in Darfur.”

Me to myself:  The hell?  Why are we feeding shoes to children?  Oh waaaait.  Now I get it.  Ha!  I should blog this.  I should totally find the sound bite for this commercial and say something about how “these barefoot kids wouldn’t have this problem if they’d just quit eating their shoes”.  ‘Cause there is nothing funnier than a slapstick misunderstanding about starving, barefoot African children.  

I bet there will be a lot of funny people with me when I get to hell.

********************************

The comment(s) of the day:

 You know Dianne Rehm on NPR? I had this ex-boyfriend who was all, “Why the hell is her voice all fucked up? Why can’t she talk right.”  Then we found out she has some sort of horrible throat disease that she has overcome in order to do radio broadcasting.  To which I said, “Why don’t you go kick a puppy and kill a kitten, now?” ~Law School Hot Mama

You know, it’s all about perspective.  Which is like the similar relief effort the Bush administration is trying to push through to offer free AIDS vaccines with pancake batter. ~furiousball

That’s like that line in the song “Fly Like an Eagle” saying “I want to shoe the children with no shoes on their feet”.  Every time I hear it I comment to whomever I’m with “That’s awful. Why would they want to shoot children with no shoes?”.  Everyone ignores me. Why? ~Lindsay

106 thoughts on “I both sicken and amuse myself.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I don’t know how funny I am, but I’ll definitely save you a seat in hell. I’ll be up front, dancing like I’m at a Widespread Panic concert.

    Heather’s last blog post..7/365

  3. Okay seriously? You two are my favorite people ever. I was just coming back in here to delete this whole post but now it’s staying until I get at least 6 complaints or 2 death threats. Or 1 death threat and 9 complaints. Wait? How many complaints equal one death threat? I need a calculator.

  4. How can I think of the poor, shoe-eating children in Darfur when I’m still waiting on pins and needles for Part 2 of the Guy Kawasaki Experience?!

    You tease. 🙁

  5. I was figurin’ that you and I will at least get to meet in Hell, if not any other time (though I might have had a brush with your greatness in a hotel elevator last year at Blogher but I’m not sure – dude how is it possible I’m not sure?)

    anyhow, my point being that this made me laugh so hard I think I need to change my pants. I know, TMI.

    Fast train to fiery depths, all aboard!

    Maggie’s last blog post..Speaking of…

  8. That is totally the first thing I thought too. I had to go back and read it again. And again. But that is cause I have a short attention span and OOOH! SHINY!!

    Shoes…hmmm, should we start a fund for condiments for those shoes. I am thinking mustard with a little cracked pepper. Mmmm, I’m hungry.. What was I doing? Damn you short attention sp… oooh SHINY!

    Kelley’s last blog post..You just lost the game.

  9. You know Dianne Rehm on NPR? I had this ex-boyfriend who was all, “Why the hell is her voice all fucked up? Why can’t she talk right.”

    Then we found out she has some sort of horrible throat disease that she has overcome in order to do radio broadcasting.

    To which I said, “Why don’t you go kick a puppy and kill a kitten, now?”

    Law School Hot Mama’s last blog post..Since When Did the Discovery Health Channel Become the New Coney Island Freak Show?

  10. You sicken yet amuse us-So who is the sicko now? The fact that we continue to read you like STALKERS should scare you.

    But not in a bad way because as far as you know we are totally normal people.

    Riiiiight.

    (Oh, btw, check out CommentLuv!)

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..100 Things

  12. You’re still Maggie, dammit.

    Also…you can totally eat shoes. I’d imagine. Good enough for Charlie Chaplin right?

    Shit. I just ate a honeybun. It took the funny right outta me. It was tastier than orphans.

    Greta’s last blog post..Hungry Girl

  19. Wait, so how many loafers does it require to fill a starving Darfurian child’s stomach? I guess in this instance, size matters? Well, we knew all along that it did anyway, now didn’t we?

  21. food? shoes? what’s the diff? plenty of women starve themselves skinny for shoes. at least that’s what i’ve heard.

  25. Well, if you are talking about hell you are going to know which level you’ll be seated at. I like to keep tabs via Dante’s Divine Comedy. I am about a level 7!

    I think that’ll be the cool party.

  27. Oh, and we’re giving them $3 shoes? I’ll bet all the other Darfurian kids are like, “Ha ha, your relief fund buys your shoes at Payless!”

  32. It just goes to show you that skinny or fat, we all love shoes.

    I may be fat and can’t find clothes that look awesome, but dammit, I can wear cute shoes and so can the refugees!

  35. I’ll have a slingback with a side of old flip-flop. Easy on the toejamb please.

  38. I hear that leather is really good for removing tartar, so see??

    It’s a win-win.

    They don’t starve AND they have clean teeth.

    And I don’t WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN!!

    no.

    I wouldn’t know anybody. All the assholes I know are going straight to H E double toothpick.

    Kevin Charnas’s last blog post..When Panic Attacks (Part Uno)

  42. Okay, seriously? This morning I woke up and rushed to the computer expecting to see either deafening silence or lots of hatemail and in fact, you guys have managed to top me in your own filthy, horrible, hysterical way. Seriously, I sat at my computer and a single tear ran down my face like the Indian in the litter commercial. It’s probably partially PMS but seriously? I love you people. Double fist tap to the chest. For real.

  43. Funny as a crutch, Richie. wasn’t that a line from Happy Days? i think so. At least you gave a link to the website.

    “l’enfer, c’est les autres”–Sartre, Huis Clos,

    (Hell is other people)

  44. Three words: UN Goodwill Ambassador

    (does UN count as one word? I’m not a math wiz)

    I’m going to see about nominating you for such. I just have to learn the native language of that UN dude so I make a good, first impression. Then you can meet Angelina Jolie and stuff.

  45. to be fair and balanced, a quote from laverne and shirlry:

    Shirley Feeney: What did you call that woman again?
    Laverne De Fazio: Banana-face.
    Shirley Feeney: People do not like to be called fruit!

    guess you woulda hadda been there.

    pooKIe Addams’s last blog post..what the hell

  47. You know that old saying about hell, right? There would be no point in going to heaven because you wouldn’t know anyone there. I’ll be along side you since I have been known to be snarky and catty critiquing fashion sensibilities at a funeral. Note that I was not commenting on the deceased. Even this this girl has a speck of decorum. Just a speck.

    ilinap’s last blog post..Moms & Dads for Barack Obama

  48. Jenny, just discovered your blog from your comment on the Work It, Mom! Blog — what an awesome voice. Adding to my feed and will plow through the archives shortly:)

  53. I’ve been hoping there is a Hell Lite for people who find humor in such things. I mean, making fun of stuff is way different than eating people’s brains, right?

    Robin’s last blog post..I didn’t want to like it

  55. This reminds me of the Survivorman I saw last night and he said something about people eating their shoes. I think it was shoes. He used some word and I didn’t know what it meant and I assumed it was some sort of boot. If anyone out there reading saw Survivorman last night and picked that up, please let me know. I don’t have Tivo.
    Why am I even commenting again?
    Oh, because I wanted to say this post brought tears to my eyes because I was trying so hard not to laugh.

  56. Anne, my great grandmother told me that during the depression people would boil their leather shoes and eat them because they were made from cow and had some protien. Or course, she also told me that she and her 18 siblings slept in the same bed and peed on each other for warmth so I’m not sure she can be totally trusted. I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t eat your shoes because my great grandmother is a liar.

  58. I guess the charity put out the word they needed “sole meunier” and “foot-longs” and folks just mis-understood.

    And, I just heard Gordon Ramsay is introducing a new drink, called the “Hell’s Kitchen Iced Tea.” It is a traditional Long Island Iced Tea – made with Tabasco.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Lunch on the Half Shell

  60. That’s like that line in the song “Fly Like an Eagle” saying “I want to shoe the children with no shoes on their feet”. Every time I hear it I comment to whomever I’m with “That’s awful. Why would they want to shoot children with no shoes?”. Everyone ignores me. Why?

    Lindsay’s last blog post..Our Budding Photographer

  61. One thing is for sure, once you get to hell, you won’t be alone—AT ALL!!…Lol…

  62. I don’t think you’re truly starving until you try to eat your shoes. I mean, until then, you’re just hungry.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..dogs

  63. OMG…you crack me up. I sent your post today to all my friends…OK – so I only have TWO friends to send it to, but I am sure they laughed their asses off too!!!

  65. Ok, I don’t know how the hell I found your site, but…DUDE! Am I ever glad I did.

    FYI this comment you made: “Anne, my great grandmother told me that during the depression people would boil their leather shoes and eat them because they were made from cow and had some protien. Or course, she also told me that she and her 18 siblings slept in the same bed and peed on each other for warmth so I’m not sure she can be totally trusted. I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t eat your shoes because my great grandmother is a liar.”

    TOTALLY reminds me of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy. You crack me the hell up!

    Woman, you fully rule.

    js’s last blog post..Not Returnable

  66. Does this mean I have to read the nutrition label on my shoes before I buy them? Or can I just buy the ones that are shiny and colorful – just like the way I pick out snack cakes? Ass? Uh, I mean, vagina? (It’s hard to keep up with the Texan-body-part-punctuation-du-jour.)

  75. you say that like it’s a bad thing. (the shoe-eating part. not the hell part. that *will* be bad. because I fully expect hell to be full to bursting with people just like my super-religious parents. also, my parents. which will suck. I’ve worked so very, very hard to insure an eternity free of my parents.)

    (sigh.)

    lildb’s last blog post..Obama likes us! He really likes us!

  80. I don’t know why this reminds me of a fairy tale or folk tale I read when I was a little girl about someone eating an old shoe. Hey, wait! Maybe they can have the black boots from Pretty Woman too, that I was going to wear to “raise money” to go to the BlogHer conference.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Manly Man Soap

  81. At this point, I really want to share with you a newspaper clipping my mother gave me with complete sincerity. My parents had been skiing in France with my brother and his French wife. While there, they had a picture taken of them while holding the St Peter Herald so they could publish this important news item.

    There’s so much humor in this. My brother and Sandrine’s pained expression. The completely bizarre headline about some violent crime. The sunglasses in the middle of the table that draw all the focus. And the incredibly awkward text that accompanies the picture.

    The newspaper editors converted only some of my mother brilliant writing from first person to third. “I” and “They”are mixed willy-nilly with no regard for any sense.

    It would be a perfect thing to share.

    Unfortunately, I threw it out yesterday.

    Now that I write this, I realize that that newspaper clipping should have stayed on my refrigerator forever.

    Emily’s last blog post..Want-able Weirdness

  82. Reminds me of the joke about asking how many girl scouts are in a box of Girl Scout Cookies…

    I am sure to see you in hell for the time I asked the waiter “What kind of child is served with the child’s plate”

    Jay Lee’s last blog post..Sgt. Pepper’s

  84. Oh me oh my! Hilarious! I would have thought the same thing. One ticket to Hell please. Oh who am I kidding I got my Rail Pass long,long ago.

    kaytabug’s last blog post..Orange Crush

  86. ok… now I just have to spend my time and go and find out why the hell they are collecting shoes for Darfur??? Cause as funny as the mental picture is I am sure they are not making shoe soup… but isn’t there a kids book about that… ah hell, now I gotta go look that up too… dang-it!

  87. I was going to offer to buy the first round of shots in hell, but judging from this crowd? It would bankrupt me.

    Velma’s last blog post..Cry Babies

  90. You know, I thought about this somemore and besides the tartar thing, at least they get shoes too! For Christ’s sake.

    It’s GOT to be better than taking an old tire, cutting a piece from it, then strapping it to your sore covered foot. no?

    And then, they can use the laces as dental floss. I know that it’s kind of thick, but they only have like four teeth to floss anyway.

    Kevin Charnas’s last blog post..When Panic Attacks (Part Uno)

  91. I not only thought the same exact thing, but as I read your post aloud to my husband, he SAID the exact same thing before I got to the part where YOU said it. (The English language is soooo messed up!)

    Clearly, we’re headed to hell on the same bus.

    I’d like the aisle seat, though, so I can get to the bathroom faster, ‘kay?

    Hatchet’s last blog post..Of Mice and Moms

  93. Pingback: Bowl of Cheese by Jeff Cutler » Blog Archive » Shouldn’t we laugh a little?

  94. man I’ve missed you.

    Today I was walking through Lowe’s and they had seeds for “backdoor salad mix” and all I could think of was how porny that sounded. And somehow I’m supposed to raise a child. Hm.

    But then I’m the girl who got pissed off and played destructo-daughter in a cemetery last week. Like I can cast stones.

    Dawn’s last blog post..Good Effing Riddance Haiku

  95. Maybe they can tie cheese to their new shoestrings and trap mice? Then they can eat the mice.

    (Oh mah holy hell, I can’t believe that thought just popped into my head)

    Ree’s last blog post..Haiku Friday – Argh.

  96. Jenny, have you ever written in to Proctor & Gamble under the name Wendi Aarons of Austin?

    I ask this because I posted an email that I received on my blog today and after reading your blog for the last couple of weeks this women could be you or your sister. I am not sure if it is true but it said she won the TX PC Magazine’s 2007 Editor’s Choice for Best Webmail Award Winning Letter. Whew that was a long award. Anyway I think she should have won the medal of valor!

    After reading these comments hell is going to be a crowded place, but a lot of fun!!

    GetSmartGal’s last blog post..You Just Went Too Far Man!

  97. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who thinks these things.

    I just haven’t blogged them . . .yet.

  99. Woman! You can do anything I have decided. Yr good at talking and peeps listening….Can you find me a roomie for Blogher? I am going via scholarshiiiiiip and need a roomie. I have sk-rt’ed and emailed and I need a bigger mouth. Some reach. I heart ya. I can’t wait to run up and kiss ya in San Fran! 🙂 amy

    amy’s last blog post..She’ll turn her music on you/You won’t have to think twice

  102. Hell, couldn’t be any worse than W. telling the Indian people food prices are their fault for wanting to eat better.

    It’s not like you’re an absolute idiot and allowed to babble that kind of shit while you represent an entire country to the world.

    Expat Chef’s last blog post..Mother’s Day Breakfast

  103. Just so you know, I was apparently deleted off of a blogroll for linking to this post. I forgot one of my readers recently adopted from Africa. Oops! My bad! (And the link stays!)

    Melessa’s last blog post..Best Line of the Day

  104. I hope you’ll want to sit next to me in Hell’s cafeteria which almost sounds like that Gordon Ramsay show – Hell’s Kitchen which is pretty funny and gives me hope, especially when he calls them donkeys. So maybe Hell will be a little fun after all.

    PS – Shoes taste a little like chicken – should go a long way with the starving kids.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..I spent the afternoon writing my will

  105. Ha! So glad you left this post up.
    Dafur is in Africa? Thought it was what Goofy says …
    One express ticket to Hell please, a seat near the front; I get motion sick.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

New Braunfels first Ren Faire feels like a hit. Also, I want a miniature cow.
Headed to the New Braunfels Renaissance Faire. If you happen to see Santa this morning say hi to my dad, who stayed up all night sewing jingle bells to his pants.
This month’s book club picks are The Wildest Sun by @ashalemmieauthor and Where the Dead Wait by @av_wilkes.
A mug fell on my glass fishbowl filled with glass-colored buttons which shattered into a billion microscopic glass knives.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

Sarah Linn on Medium: Humorist or unstable person with an internet connection? You decide.

Uncommon Creatures Digital Portraits: Animal art inspired by Earth’s most magical creatures. Got your own beloved pet you’d like to memorialize? Have no fear… let me turn your fur-baby into a work of art.

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

%d