Disclaimer: this post is not really about being naked with donkeys

in "Kawasakied" is the new black., functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, Good Mom/Bad Mom...why aren't you reading it now?, I am totally overrated, Random Crap

My first thought is “Why am I naked?” and my second is “Whose donkey is this?”

Part 2 of meeting Guy Kawasaki:

 1.  I just valeted my car for the first time in my entire life.  Valet:  Wait…ma’am, I need your keys.  Me:  How am I supposed to open my car later if you have my keys?  Valet:  Wow.  You’re retarded. 

2.  Somehow I get into the VIP room.  Very important guy I’ve never seen before warmly welcomes me and tells me he’s heard all about me.  I thank him and tell him how unsettling it is to walk into a room of strangers who know so much about my vagina.  The look on his face tells me he has obviously not heard about me at all.  He runs away leaves quickly.  He looked like Stephen Hawking except without the wheelchair and more shocked.

2a.  The VIP room has sushi and people who do not include Guy Kawasaki.  I tell everyone he’s probably off snorting coke on the back of the toilet seat.  Responsible businessmen in the room begin to look very uncomfortable.  I realize I’m the only person not wearing business-ish attire:

   kawastalkis.jpg

(photo courtesy of the wondrous Ed Schipul who is too nice to sue me for defacing his work.)

3.  Guy’s speech is about to begin.  I sit several rows back so I can sketch pictures of my cat.  Dwight does a few lines of the horrific intro speech I wrote for him.  He leaves out all the “vagina’s” but does the part about Guy murdering the drifter and even says “shit” out loud.  I am very proud of him.

4.  Guy is talking about his formula to do a pre-money evaluation to find out how much you are worth.  I like my way better.  I start with the amount of money I spend on booze annually.  Every time I’m impressed with myself I add $1,000.  If I have to pull an all-nighter I get a pony.  If I have to give someone a handjob I get a unicorn.  Blowjobs = Flying unicorn.  (And stapling chicken wings to a horse does not count.  I’m not falling for that shit again, Nathan.)

5.  “All you white people look the same to me.”  “I like to shoot glocks.”  “Things that end in vowels are bad.”  ~ Quotes that make me think Guy Kawasaki kicks ass.

6.  “Here’s a business idea:  Buy dead horses.  Sell them to dogs.”  ~ Quotes that make me wonder why Guy Kawasaki isn’t homeless.

7.  Guy K. asks if there are any V.C’s in the room and some guy is all “Right here, yo!”.  And I’m like, “Um, white dude?  There is no way you are a Viet Cong”.  Later someone tells me V.C. means “Venture Capitalist”.  I’m too busy worrying about how to get my keys back from the valet to care.

8.  Guy just said that to succeed you need to “make it rain” and I was the only person in the audience to laugh out loud.  Turns out that phrase doesn’t always mean throwing wads of dollar bills at strippers.  I pretend I was just laughing about something someone said on my bluetooth (which is totally imaginary).

9.  Guy’s advice:  “Hire infected people”.  Hey good news, Uncle Frank!   Oh wait…he’s not talking about syphilis.

10:  Guy is showing off Alltop and looks at the first sentence of our latest Good Mom/Bad Mom post and is all “Boooooring. Your first sentence sucks, loser.”  And I’m like, “But no!  It’s all about Scientology and Grindhouse and punching teens with hammers!”  I sound like a crazy person.  From now on all my first sentences  will be fascinating crap about drinking cobra blood or waking up naked with donkeys or something.

11. Guy’s thoughts about potential customers: “I’m thinking: That’s my money in her purse.  How do I get it out of her purse and into mywallet?”  I suggest mugging her.  Wait…this is probably why he has a glock.  OhMyGod, I bet he really did kill that drifter.

That is totally hot.

.

**To be continued unless I get distracted which you know I totally will.  In case I forget, remind me to tell you about how I (seriously, no joke) almost killed Guy Kawasaki. **

And then I woke up naked with a donkey.

PS.  My next post is going to be about ninjas.  Ninjas!  See, I’m distracted already.

Comment of the day:  I was pretty impressed with the flying unicorn for a BJ.  What must butt stuff get you?! ~ Alice

71 thoughts on “Disclaimer: this post is not really about being naked with donkeys”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. Dude. How tall are you? I couldn’t even comprehend the rest of the post because I was trying to figure out if you’re super tall or if everyone else in that picture is freakishly short.

    Or, I couldn’t comprehend the rest of the post because, well…

    AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..Friday “Recipe” 5-2-08

  4. Answers: Pookie is drunk, Janet needs to up her meds, and I am only 5 ft 7. I can’t figure out why I look so tall either. I’m like some kind of amazon.

  5. Dude, you are HAWT in that dress. And you DO fit the black and white theme.

    Also, I really like your calculations for how much you are worth – sounds like the perfect way to figure it out to me 😉

    Z’s last blog post..Weekend Recap Part Deux

  8. Partying naked with donkey’s snorting coke in the bathroom. Was Hillary C. there?

    Please do invite us to the next party 😉

  9. You are seriously hot. And I’m not even done calculating your hotness. Jenny X 3 dead drifters (did I miss any?) X 1 naked donkey X 1 valet ticket=super hot).

    VC…I would have been like, What?

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..The Man Photo

  10. “VC”

    Good thing I wasn’t drinking- I would have had to replace my keyboard.

    I’m coming to you for advice if I ever have plans to meet any one from the bloggy world irl. You know all the right moves.

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Curiosity

  11. At least you kept to the black & white theme. I would have shown up in a typical “But it was such a pretty color in the store!” outfit, looking like a psycho clown.

    Note to self: next time, use rescue inhaler BEFORE clicking over to read The Bloggess.

    Velma’s last blog post..Cry Babies

  12. How hot am I that I totally knew what a glock was without having to click on it.

    Sadly, I would have had the same thought about VCs.

    Greta’s last blog post..Food Addict

  13. Ok I am Faclempt. And I totally love you, not in a gay way in case your hubby is reading this. He and I should probably meet so he can know how totally into guys I am. Wait that sounded wrong like I am gonna jump your hubby or something. Is he hot?

    Anyway, thanks for the photo nod and are you SURE that’s not Guy lurking in the background?

    Peace, Love & Light~

    Ture Light Tracey’s last blog post..The Bloggess is NO match for True Light Tracey

  15. HY.ster.i.cal. And I’ll totally dress you. The dress works but you need to replace those sensible shoes with a pair of red peep toe heels. Come, let me teach you.

    mary’s last blog post..Pretty and strong

  18. Everyone else looks like YOUR backup singers.

    But I’ll still volunteer to dress you. You’ll get to reach your hands up to the heavens like Queen Elisabeth and just say one word, like “BLUE” or “REPTILE” and I’ll scurry and make fashion magic happen and lace you up nice like a chicken. A HAWT sassy chicken!

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..Lesbians’ Days are Numbered

  21. You look great. Figure in the dress.. flawless. You’re smile is pearl drop perfect. Actually you look like a star in that shot.

    I’m sitting here letting self-tan cream air dry so you know my fashion advice is for crap. But I want to do your eyebrows. And I don’t mean sexually. I mean they need to be lush. You’re famous and you need lush eyebrows. That’s what I want.. to do your eyebrows.

    Kiki’s last blog post..Food Addict

  22. that is kind of a boring luau. no one else is prepared besides you. and anyway, I kind of don’t accept the “luau” explanation, since there aren’t any driftwood art pieces with googly eyes.

    (unless Guy was hanging out with the driftwood googly-eyed art in the bathroom, letting them do most of what was in his vial. which would make at least *some* sense, Jenny.

    geeeez.)

    lildb’s last blog post..Obama likes us! He really likes us!

  24. All right, so I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and I KNOW you are funny — but this post? Seriously?! I’m laughing so hard I can hardly breathe.

    I agree about the red peep toe shoes, though. And of course, then you’d need a red bag.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Bathtime (PhotoHunt: Time)

  25. Once again, you nailed it. You were clearly the star of the show, even though most people there thought they were going to hear some Asian dude talk about startup companies. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to protect you from a certain VIP masquerading as a paraplegic genius astrophysicist, but I was with Guy…um …powdering our noses (aka, tech support for his laptop). I really thought heads would explode when Dwight started reading your original intro. Anyway thanks again for making it happen, and not drawing too much undue attention to your (or anyone else’s) vagina.

  26. Quit writing about MY BOYFRIEND!!

    I am jealous of course. And would have laughed at all the things you did, but I thought that v.c. was like an STD or something. So I guess that makes me a BIG TIME MORON.

    And seriously you need to write down that formula. I be needing some flying unicorns in this joint soon.

    Faith’s last blog post..Tweethab

  30. NINJAS!? I mean like totally you are going to post about NINJAS!?

    How I luvz me some Ninjas. Everyone knows that, and now you tease me with the thought of posting about Ninjas… don’t get distracted by the shiny! and the pretty! chick and show me the Ninjas.

    And tell Nathan he is a dead man, freaking chicken wings on my unicorn….

    Kelley’s last blog post..The 10 Commandments

  32. I was in love with you before but now after the tropical dress, the fact that you look like your 60 feet tall and all the talk of ninjas, flying unicorns and waking up naked with a donkey, I totally can’t wait to rub up against you.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Mom Speak

  33. Waking up naked next to donkeys shouldn’t worry you. Now if you woke up naked next to a porcupine, I’d be worried. And start looking for quills in my ass.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..LOST S4ep10

  34. Love the dress…
    And OMG I was totally thinking Viet Cong…and then so were you..or you lied and said you were..but I laughed out loud OR lol..

    mp’s last blog post..GO VOTE FOR JEAN!!!

  36. You are so totally responsible for me being a Bloggessstalker.

    I take you back to a time in the 1960s…

    GrownUp: What do you want to be when you grow up, little boy?

    Little Just A. Reader: I want to be a Bloggessstalker!

    GrownUp: What? What’s that?

    Little JAR: It’s somebody who’s obsessed with this hot babe who needs red shoes and talks about her vagina a lot. By the way, I’m only 6 years old. What’s a vagina?

    GrownUp: Ask a VC.

    I swear that conversation never happened. Mainly because you weren’t born yet. But you do talk about your vagina a lot.

  37. Blowjobs = Flying unicorn

    Shit, that’s what i told myself senior year!

  38. I just want you to know that half of my family read this post today. Like, I interrupted the bridal shower I was at to force everyone to read this. They, like, TOTALLY appreciated it.

    Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..there but for the Grace

  39. Dear god, I compare everything that I do with whoring. But, because I love whores. If the universe is going to fuck me I want some money. Aw! I love you too!

  40. You look hawt in the luau dress, with your pageant pose and smart bag and all. Is Evil Dwight the editor from Chron that pooh-poohed our MOMocrats Obama exclusive? Or is that some other Evil Dwight?

    When are you coming back to post your special brand of pundeetry on MOMocrats? We have almost fixed the comments function since the last time. xoxo

    Glennia’s last blog post..Giveaway on MOMocrats

  41. I have a friend that’s trying to dress me all the time. We go to lunch and shopping, she picks out all sorts of gawdy clothes for me to wear. The hell? Leave me alone. I know what looks good on me, it’s just that I’m too body conscious to be wearing any of that shit.

    Diana’s last blog post..Kitchen Appliances, Sex Toys and Pedophiles

  42. Obviously neither one of us are very plugged into the business world… when I saw “VC” I thought “Viet Cong” too – and wondered why he was picking on them.

    BTW: You’re the best looking person in that shot – and that dress really makes you stand out in the sea of stuffy shirts.

    Sayre’s last blog post..My Life is a Mess – At the Office

  43. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that dress. I like it. The only thing that would’ve made the photo better would have been if it were solid red, because that’s how I usually stand out in photos. Or perhaps if you were wearing Ugly Betty’s red Guadalajara shawl.

    simplypink’s last blog post..pop! goes my heart

  44. Jenny, feel free to talk all you want about your vagina. If anyone tries to make you feel bad about it, just tell them that without vaginas, the world would only be full of dicks and assholes.;)

  46. Sadly, not only did I know exactly what VC meant, I know who “Not Guy Kawasaki” is and how insanely wealthy he is, so clearly I’ve been married to my husband for too long. Is that the Stephen Hawking guy next to him?

    You are rocking the luau dress. At least you were important enough to be invited. Apparently, I’m not cool enough Ryan. Never mind that I would’ve worn a pink tiger stripe dress, shouted random things at inappropriate times, or asked stupid questions, the real reason he didn’t want me there was because he wanted you all to himself. Jerkwad.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..dogs

  47. I need to be at more parties with you. This is making me even more depressed that I won’t see you this summer. If you take me along another time, I’ll even dress you – but let you keep the cute shoes. (And you know I’m all about shoes, so they are, truly, vair vair cute.)

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Second Helpings

  48. Personally, I think that you should’ve worn your old Holly Hobby get-up, you know, that Laura Ingalls Wilder thing that we all wanted to do you in?? Yeah, that one.

    I think that you should’ve worn that, walked in that room and screamed, “LET’S GET TO RIDDIN’ SOME PONIES, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! YEAHH!!!”

    See? Then, it would’ve been totally feasible for you to wake up naked with a donkey.

    Kevin Charnas’s last blog post..When Panic Attacks (Part Dos)

  49. While reading this, I just had to pretend to my husband that I was laughing at something someone said into MY bluetooth.
    I don’t think he believed me; he knows we live too far in the boonies to get cell service.

    And really, what’s up with the dress?
    MORE LEG.

    gwendomama’s last blog post..Time Lapse Fire Drill

  50. I like the way everyone commented on the dress, which is what I was going to comment on. Well that and your way to figure out your worth. Pretty genious to me. And the dress is fine. It’s actually very fitting for your non-conformist personality. Everyone is actually wearing black. Are they going to a funeral?

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Manly Man Soap

  54. At least you got the memo that said you must wear black and/or white in order to be cool enough to be included in that photo. That should be worth at least one or two naked donkeys.

  55. “I’m thinking: That’s my money in her purse. How do I get it out of her purse and into mywallet?” I suggest mugging her.

    I think that is called “direct marketing”.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..Mountains in haze

  59. Catching up on your blog AND reading all the comments has made me very late picking up my son from preschool…too bad they make kids whose parents are late walk home and we live four miles away on a major highway. Ah, he’ll be alright.

    (and to look less tall, you have to hang out with people in their early to mid 20s. They are the first generation of kid raised on that hormone infused beef…so they’re ginormous!;)

    Kylie’s last blog post..I’m baaack!

  60. Dude, I may (or may not of) peed myself a little bit when I got to the VC thing. Holy shitballs this is exactly what I needed to read this morning. Someone who is more nutty than me.

    motherbumper’s last blog post..Care to join the triad?

  61. When he said “VC” I totally would have heard “VD” and laughed in the white dude’s face.

  62. Pingback: A rant without ninjas » The Bloggess

  66. The dress could have been worse.

    I wore a black and white floral print dress (to a function I should not have been allowed to attend) and it could have passed for bovine print in the pictures – a bad choice for a 250+ pound fat chick. All I needed was a brass bell on a collar and a mouthful of cud.

    Adriane’s last blog post..Smoochie Boochie Bitches

  67. Um, aren’t all unicorns flying? If that’s the case, you really got stiffed during your stint in Thailand.

    As for the butt stuff, could we say that everything in the future that comes out of your ass is golf dotted with uncut diamonds?

    Spirophita’s last blog post..What I’m reading…and progress…

  68. I’m catching up on READING and oh.my.word! I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow…..! xoxoxo

    You’re in the zone on this one. To live in your brain for 42 seconds would be the wildest ride on the planet.

    I’m standing in line….

    Robin’s last blog post..Poetic License goes American Idol

  69. I really like that dress, would you be willing to divulge where you found it?

  71. jenny, love your writing but have to agree, that dress is awful. Please throw it away.
    And definately post up pictures of future outfits for soirees prior to wearing them in order to avoid a similar sartorial disaster

    love n rage

    marmitelover

    marmitelover’s last blog post..Suggs

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