Part 2 of meeting Guy Kawasaki:
1. I just valeted my car for the first time in my entire life. Valet: Wait…ma’am, I need your keys. Me: How am I supposed to open my car later if you have my keys? Valet: Wow. You’re retarded.
2. Somehow I get into the VIP room. Very important guy I’ve never seen before warmly welcomes me and tells me he’s heard all about me. I thank him and tell him how unsettling it is to walk into a room of strangers who know so much about my vagina. The look on his face tells me he has obviously not heard about me at all. He
runs away leaves quickly. He looked like Stephen Hawking except without the wheelchair and more shocked.
2a. The VIP room has sushi and people who do not include Guy Kawasaki. I tell everyone he’s probably off snorting coke on the back of the toilet seat. Responsible businessmen in the room begin to look very uncomfortable. I realize I’m the only person not wearing business-ish attire:
(photo courtesy of the wondrous Ed Schipul who is too nice to sue me for defacing his work.)
3. Guy’s speech is about to begin. I sit several rows back so I can sketch pictures of my cat. Dwight does a few lines of the horrific intro speech I wrote for him. He leaves out all the “vagina’s” but does the part about Guy murdering the drifter and even says “shit” out loud. I am very proud of him.
4. Guy is talking about his formula to do a pre-money evaluation to find out how much you are worth. I like my way better. I start with the amount of money I spend on booze annually. Every time I’m impressed with myself I add $1,000. If I have to pull an all-nighter I get a pony. If I have to give someone a handjob I get a unicorn. Blowjobs = Flying unicorn. (And stapling chicken wings to a horse does not count. I’m not falling for that shit again, Nathan.)
5. “All you white people look the same to me.” “I like to shoot glocks.” “Things that end in vowels are bad.” ~ Quotes that make me think Guy Kawasaki kicks ass.
6. “Here’s a business idea: Buy dead horses. Sell them to dogs.” ~ Quotes that make me wonder why Guy Kawasaki isn’t homeless.
7. Guy K. asks if there are any V.C’s in the room and some guy is all “Right here, yo!”. And I’m like, “Um, white dude? There is no way you are a Viet Cong”. Later someone tells me V.C. means “Venture Capitalist”. I’m too busy worrying about how to get my keys back from the valet to care.
8. Guy just said that to succeed you need to “make it rain” and I was the only person in the audience to laugh out loud. Turns out that phrase doesn’t always mean throwing wads of dollar bills at strippers. I pretend I was just laughing about something someone said on my bluetooth (which is totally imaginary).
9. Guy’s advice: “Hire infected people”. Hey good news, Uncle Frank! Oh wait…he’s not talking about syphilis.
10: Guy is showing off Alltop and looks at the first sentence of our latest Good Mom/Bad Mom post and is all “Boooooring. Your first sentence sucks, loser.” And I’m like, “But no! It’s all about Scientology and Grindhouse and punching teens with hammers!” I sound like a crazy person. From now on all my first sentences will be fascinating crap about drinking cobra blood or waking up naked with donkeys or something.
11. Guy’s thoughts about potential customers: “I’m thinking: That’s my money in her purse. How do I get it out of her purse and into mywallet?” I suggest mugging her. Wait…this is probably why he has a glock. OhMyGod, I bet he really did kill that drifter.
That is totally hot.
**To be continued unless I get distracted which you know I totally will. In case I forget, remind me to tell you about how I (seriously, no joke) almost killed Guy Kawasaki. **
And then I woke up naked with a donkey.
PS. My next post is going to be about ninjas. Ninjas! See, I’m distracted already.
Comment of the day: I was pretty impressed with the flying unicorn for a BJ. What must butt stuff get you?! ~ Alice