Lipo-poison

I don’t smoke so instead of taking smoke breaks at work I take talk-about-weird-shit breaks with my friend, DiscoJamboree.

Me (utterly depressed): I feel fat.  I’m going to Blogher in a month and I’m getting desperate.  I think I’m gonna try lipo-dissolve.

DJ (missing the opportunity to tell me I’m a waif-like twig): Lipo-what?

Me:  It’s like liposuction that dissolves your fat cells, I think.  They like, shoot some poison into you and it makes you shit out all your fat?  Or something?

DJ:  Yeaaaaah.  Did you even hear what you just said?

(Me inside my head: *Wow. That sounded totally crazy.*)

Me (out loud):  Yeah.  That’s totally not crazy at all.

DJ:  They shoot you with poison…and then you shit uncontrollably?

Me:  Yeah, but, end result?  Less fat. 

DJ (Obviously not getting it and looking at me like I just grew a third eyeball):  Or here’s a thought…maybe we could just incinerate you until you’re a tiny, crispy version of yourself? 

Me:  Look, I don’t really know how it works.  Maybe they just perforate your bowel and everything you eat just leaks out.   I’m not a doctor.

DJ (Whose tone implies the opposite):  No, yeah. That sounds totally safe. 

Me:  Actually, the bowel perforation could totally work because whatever I ate could just come right out of a tube before it made me fat!

DJ (being very sarcastic and not at all supportive):  And that wouldn’t smell bad at all.

Me:  It would though be a little embarrassing having to aim my “bowel tube” into the trashcan at social events while I was eating.  

DJ:  And you’d be all “Sorry guys.  I don’t know why I bought the clear tube.  I had a choice between red or clear.  Wrong choice obviously.”

Me:  I don’t think it matters if the tube is clear.  You’re gonna look anyway.  It’s like when you throw up.  You have to look at it.

DJ: Oh, of course.  Same with pooping.

Me:  Exactly.  I wonder if there’s anyone in the world who doesn’t look before flushing.

DJ:  Actually, yes.  I knew a guy who flushed while still on the pot.

Me:  Well, that’s just reckless.  What if there was something “untoward” in there?

DJ:  Or something impressive.  You need to be kept abreast of the situation.

And then we went back to work.  We should probably take up smoking.

Comment of the day: I once heard a story about a guy who pooped a perfect question mark (complete with the dot) in a porta-potty at a music festival. He then ran out of the porta-potty and had people look at it.  I don’t know why I felt compelled to share that story. ~ Robin

Follow-up comment of the day: You know, dear Bloggess, the comments on your site remind me of a song by The Wreckers:
Only crazy people
Fall in love with me.
They come from all over
To be with me…  ~Just A. Reader

121 thoughts on “Lipo-poison

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Jenny – it sounds like you have been smoking – and I want to know what it is, so I can avoid it.

    Funny as hell, though, as usual. I gotta hand it to ya.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..My what big TEETH…

  2. If, as the first commenter suggests, you have been smoking something, I do not under any circumstances want to avoid it! That’s some good shit (or whatever people say when they smoke pot, or whatever).

    If you start taking smoking breaks instead, I will come to Texas an kick your totally-unnecessarily-lipo-dissolved ass.

    Although you’d probably have great stuff to write about that, too.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..Floating

  3. Tracey, that’s not true – my dog is always very interested in everything that comes out of her body…sometimes she thinks it’s so interesting that she’s determined to put it back IN her body.

    Jenny, why pay someone to make you shit uncontrollably, when you can stick your finger down your throat for free? That’s MY diet plan for BlogHer.

    Heather’s last blog post..Mom, if you aren’t going to take me out, could you at least shower? [Flickr]

  4. Those pills are nasty. My DIL had to wear a sanitary napkin all the time because she would fart liquified fat. I think that’s what happened to her last brain cell. It landed on the napkin.

    witchypoo’s last blog post..Housewarming Party

  5. You know what? That whole lipo-thing sounds GROSS. But the crazy thing is this: when I’m sick and, uh, vomiting all I can think about is how much weight I’m going to lose.

    Girls are weird. 😛

    But flushing while still on the toilet? That takes skill – you gotta reach around. Doesn’t that give him a cramp?

    Katie’s last blog post..WCB: Puddy Likes Feathers

  6. If memory serves, the last photo of you we saw was about a month ago, here. Unless something has dramatically changed in the past month, you’re not fat. You are, in fact, still quite hot.
    We now return you to your regularly scheduled self-image crisis.

  7. I’m scared of lipo honestly.

    Buuut…If I have lots of money, I would probably go through laser to have some of my excess body hair removed. 🙂

  8. Have you tried smoking pencil shavings? Then, you eat the eraser and it erases all your fat-cellulite and memories of ever being fat. Can you tell I’ve had my Sunday afternoon wed-wine?

    Swampy’s last blog post..Fun Monday

  9. “My DIL had to wear a sanitary napkin all the time because she would fart liquified fat.”

    witchypoo, that’s all I needed to hear. I’ve been eyeballing those pills in my darkest (fattest self loathing) moments and you have just sealed the deal. no poison fat dissolve for me.

    Although, I suppose that would be a deterrent….. hmmmmmmm.

    phd in yogurtry’s last blog post..cubicle rage

  10. Life would be so dull without you, Bloggess.

    This post reminds me of my psycho days as a pre-teen, imagining I saw aliens and otherworldy creatures in the folds of my blanket and the piles of crap on the floor of my room.

    Psychedelic mushrooms and puberty must stimulate the same cerebral lobes.

    Or something.

    Red Flashlight’s last blog post..Wedding Invitations Are in the Mail!

  11. Like Biddy, I had a friend do the meso and it seemed to work for her.

    I am just totally doing a tummy tuck and the “regular” lipo…. and while they are at it might as well put the girls back where they used to be….

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..And he swims!

  12. Hey, it’s like that Alli stuff! Ali? Ally? I think I had it right the first time. You poop oil, and I hear it’s kind of uncontrollable. Did someone already type all this? Probably.

    Anyway, I think on the actual instruction manual that comes with Alli it suggests that you wear dark pants and carry a change of clothes with you for the first week or two.

    CARRY A CHANGE OF CLOTHES. DARK PANTS. Apparently this is a brand of crazy many subscribe to 🙂

    elise’s last blog post..Google Search Fail: “Can We Be Friends, Spider?”

  13. Jenny,

    Freakin’ hilarious! Your blog is totally my guilty pleasure now. In the ’90’s it was 90210, and now it’s The Blogess!

    Shhh…don’t tell anyone!

  14. Anything that has the side affect of “anal leakage” is just not for me. I’ve considered the whole finger-down-the-throat thing but I’m just too damn cheap. I paid good money for that food! We went to the fair one year and ate our way through it while riding rides. I rode one too many and lost it. I was very sad. I had looked forward to the food for days and I only had it for an hour. I had to stop at Taco Bell on my way home because I was hungry again.

    I saw a thing on that lipo-dissolve stuff and how it left these women got infections and it left awful scars. That would suck too. All that $ and all you get is disfiguring scars.

  15. God you all act like shitting yourself is weird…pshaw! My inner food addict is astounded at the possibilities.

    Kandace’s last blog post..WANTED

  16. It’s obvious that working from home for the last 18 years has deprived me of some really cool water cooler conversations. I feel so isolated and alone…Is it okay if I live vicariously through you?

    Thanks for the laugh!

    Tina’s last blog post..I’m SUCH a hottie!

  17. I think it’s a fine idea, but don’t skimp when picking out your bowel tube. (The Brass Ass model is particularly nice.) Also, I highly recommend the Glade Air Freshener insert and the Dolby Noise Reduction filter and especially the Across a Crowded Room Bowel Tube Extender with Super-Silent Recoil Action. Sure, the extender isn’t cheap, but it’s totally worth the cash because it allows you to empty the tube from up to 25 feet away so someone else gets blamed for your shit.

  18. i predict a film version of “The Bloggess” or maybe a cable series with a really decent run…THEN a film version.
    I SAY cable but you can actually SAY “vagina” on network telly but cable would really offer more freedom of full expression.

  19. This sounds like a conversation I had with my Swedish friend and my Danish friend on the playground. The Danish girl is getting this “lipomassage” to break down the fat and make it “leave” her body and the whole time she’s telling me about it my Swedish friend is making crazy faces at me over her shoulder.

    So I’ll send my Swedish friend over to make crazy faces over YOUR shoulder. She’d love a trip to the States.

    Kylie’s last blog post..Uber Busy!

  20. NO ONE pays attention to how fat anyone is at BlogHer, anyway…they just talk about the skinny minnies. So unless you think you could be a size 0 by then, just forget about it and drink martinis with the rest of us, k?

    qt’s last blog post..Menu Plan Monday

  21. I think that everyone going to Blogher should just make a pact to eat three or four boxes of Trefoils just prior to getting on the plane. Level the playing field!

    manager mom’s last blog post..Carnal Memories

  22. Hmmmm… (trying to think of how the pooper-shooter tube could be “Discreetly” aimed at a trash can).

    Promise me one thing. Origami limbs are OK to photograph, but no camera in the bathroom to photograph before you flush. No matter how untoward or impressive it may be.

    Promise?

  23. I once heard a story about a guy who pooped a perfect question mark (complete with the dot) in a porta-potty at a music festival. He then ran out of the porta-potty and had people look at it.

    I don’t know why I felt compelled to share that story.

    Robin’s last blog post..Friday follies

  24. I had to write an article about ridiculous diets for work, and my favorite? Was the tapeworm diet.

    You eat cysts, wait for the tapeworm to develop and eat all of your food, and then kill it before it completely takes over. Probably the safest diet ever.

    Oh, there was also one where you inject yourself with the urine of a pregnant woman.

    Jessica’s last blog post..No Word, YOU’RE wrong.

  25. I once heard a story about a guy who pooped a perfect question mark (complete with the dot) in a porta-potty at a music festival. He then ran out of the porta-potty and had people look at it.

    You know, dear Bloggess, the comments on your site remind me of a song by The Wreckers:
    Only crazy people
    Fall in love with me.
    They come from all over
    To be with me…

  26. No, I’m glad you have these conversations. Sometimes I fear that I’m the only woman in the world who looks at her poo with pride.

    Noelle’s last blog post..5. Thai Spice!

  27. Could this lipo-poison stuff do it’s job in like a 2 week time frame? And could it take off about 100 pounds that quickly? I leave for my trip to Puerto Rico in 2 weeks and that would be great!!!!

    Aunt GiGi’s last blog post..Addicted to eBay…

  28. Some years back, some friends and I theorized that laughing helps you lose weight. Because when we laugh so hard our stomach hurts, we’re really working our abs. So when I have a fat day, I make sure to visit The Bloggess, because your posts and the comments that follow always have me falling out of my chair from laughter.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..“As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.”

  29. And to think that whole crazy conversation could’ve been avoided if DJ had simply done the right thing and said, “What? You don’t even know what you’re talking about. You’re too skinny. Have a burrito.” *sigh* Men.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..shock and awe

  30. Funny, I thought you WERE smoking. Clearly.

    *said through tight lungs as if I were holding in some unmentionable type of smoke, ahem*

    maggie, dammit’s last blog post..tonight

  31. I’m married to one of those freaks who never looks at his creation before he hits the flush – that’s just crazy right there!

    Don’t sweat the poundage baby, “you’re a superstar, that’s what you are, shining bright to see,”…well you get the gist.

    Think of it as sympatheitc fat you’re wearing to Blogher to make the little bloggers feel like they might have a chance (even if they don’t)!

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..Because I’m The Greatest

  32. Interesting.

    So am I the only one still courtesy flushing – even at home when I’m alone? I always flush while on the pot.

    Or is it I always smoke pot when I’m alone and/or flushing?

    This post gives me much to think about.

    Amy in Ohio’s last blog post..Clinton can you hear me?

  33. Okay, A) If you flush while on the toilet, it’s going to blow germs up toward your you-know-where. This is also why people like Martha Stewart recommend closing the lid before you flush. GERMS. NOT HEALTHY. B) I once had a coworker who was so proud of her work in the bathroom that she took a picture of it with her cellphone and emailed it to the other two of us. I am not joking.

    ali’s last blog post..It’s a Schrödinger’s Cat kind of day… Updated

  34. i know. the pre-blogher diet has begun today. and then i ate chips and baked 4 dozen cookies.

    (sigh)

  35. Jenny, Jenny, Jenny – I can save you a fortune. Go to your local WalHell, buy some of that wonderful, I’m not gonna mention their brand name but it causes anal seepage and the company actually suggests wearing dark clothing and then go out and eat a ton of fried food.

    You’re welcome.

    oh, and you’re a waif-like twig!

    Sandy’s last blog post..Fun Monday – Childhood Reverie

  36. Nikki – Don’t even try to do the Oxy Cleanse. You will become oddly obsessed with trying to determine what your poop is made up of. “Is that corn or raisins?”.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Daughter’s Birthday

  37. The really sad part of all of this is it made perfect sense to me. Now I got to go pooh.

  38. Holy bejeebus- now I REALLY can’t wait for BlogHer!

    You mean you really want to see The Bloggess walking around at a social event with a garden hose hanging out of her butt?
    I’m starting to worry about some of you people.

  39. my college roommate used the 20 laxatives plan everynight. i tried it for about 2 weeks…it works, but i did shit my pants on the way to class one morning. nice, real nice.

  40. Shut up you are hilarious. I am totally on your train of thought and it makes me feel so better to be in such great company. I love giggling outlout at my computer while my kids think I’m crazy.

    Heidi’s last blog post..Mamma needs her fix

  41. You have to look before you flush! How else will you know if your poop chute is in peril?

    I have a friend who swears by the ZAND Seven Day Cleanse. It apparently de-bloatifies with a “gentle” laxitive and fiber tablets so you don’t have to make a mad dash to the restroom for fera of your ass exploding in front of your co-workers.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Why I Should Move Back to Houston, Yo

  42. I tried to take a break from blogging, so closed it to the world, but am too OCD so opened it again.

    “Hi, my name is Buddy and I am an obsessivecompulsive blogger.”

    “HI BUDDY!”

  43. I’m pretty sure that this is the last time Guy Kawasaki will ever read your blog.

  44. if only the woman who left a little smeared nugget on the seat of the toilet in the public restroom i was in last night had had a butt tube and better aim, i would have had no reason to leave this run-on sentence of a comment. i’m positive that disgusting woman was a skinny little bitch.

    oh, and lotta, if you have to ask ‘is that corn or raisins in my poop?’ i think you need to go take another class.

  45. Ok, I am throwing myself out there. I did something similar to this last week except it is called lipotherapy. They do inject you with a type of protein mixture that kills the fat cells so they will never return. With this procedure you pee the dead cells out – no anal leakage involved. They said it would take 4-6 inches off my waist line/ muffin top extrodinarre. I am only one week in and still a bit puffy but feel you bloggess I do

  46. I can’t believe there is someone out there who doesn’t look. It’s reckless. Actually I had a friend who had a chart on his wall and he expected you to tick off the kind – scale range from phantom to brick. We haven’t been friends since the great corn-incident of ’99.

    motherbumper’s last blog post..babble

  47. I think Britney had lipo-disolve. If she did it, you should TOTALLY. Then again (debby downer alert:) a friend of mine DIED from it.

    Haley-O’s last blog post..Spaaaah Day!

  48. Haley-O: You just keep your negative thoughts to yourself. Our Bloggess is insanely hot. Leave her just the way she is. She doesn’t need to be shitting fat or doing any Britney-related debbie downer activities. The Bloggess is a goddess. She is a walking, talking, blogging wet dream.

    (Is it obvious that I’m aiming for “Comment of the day”? No? OK. Thanks.)

  49. If you are going to be ridiculous about this, why not just carry a handy spray bottle of acid with you. You can blind anyone that might possibly be thinner. Presto! Mission accomplished and no poop tube needed!

    missburrows’s last blog post..Pick your six

  50. This was the post that officially made me jealous that I don’t get to go to BlogHer and meet you. And, strangely, simlultaneously a little relieved. You’re like David Sedaris with a uterus. And friends.

    Mary’s last blog post..Milestone or Millstone?

  51. OK, I HAVE to go there now.

    Look folks, I understand everyone wants to be proud of the kids they dropped off at the pool, but you MUST BE CONSIDERATE TO OTHERS.

    By this I mean “Courtesy Flush.”

    I understand it destroys the final picture when you immediately dispose of a nugget of “Concentrated Evil” immediately after the sploosh, but DANGIT PEOPLE we are HUMANS!

    Think about the inhumanity to our fellow man by making them enjoy the wafting aroma of yesterday’s breakfast as you push out your masterpiece.

    Sorry folks, poo stinks. Save your friends so you don’t have to hide in the stall until everyone leaves.

    Still not convinced?

    OK, think of it this way… You know that smell of poo. Well in order to smell it, you are breathing in microscopic particles of feces to get that aroma.

    Not so cool now HUH?

    Be nice, flush twice.

    Houston’s last blog post..In The Navy!

  52. I often drag Mr. Egg into the bathroom to look at an exceptional piece of shit. He’s not impressed. But fuck it dude, I have to share that shit with someone you know??

    Defiantmuse’s last blog post..The Mommy Myth

  53. This reminds me of Zizek’s discussion of German, French and Anglo toilet design and their function in illustrating the different mentalities:

    “In a traditional German toilet, the hole into which shit disappears after we flush is right at the front, so that shit is first laid out for us to sniff and inspect for traces of illness. In the typical French toilet, on the contrary, the hole is at the back: shit is supposed to disappear as quickly as possible. Finally, the American toilet presents a synthesis, a mediation between these two opposed poles–the toilet basin is full of water, so that the shit floats in it, visible, but not to be inspected.”

    You and DiscoJamboree should totally voice blog.

    AV’s last blog post..No Such Thing As A Sure Thing

  54. The question-mark-shaped Mounds bar comment reminded me to admit that my wife and I regularly discuss our day’s bowel movements before we go to bed. Please tell me we’re not the only couple that do that. 🙂

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Oh, and One More Thing…

  55. Hey there are using WordPress for your blog platform? I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get started and set up my own. Do you need any html coding knowledge to make your own blog? Any help would be really appreciated!

  56. I don’t need your lipo-thingy; this has me in stitches so bad my abs are gonna look *amazing*!

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