My friend Arianne said I should write 50 things I like about myself to make myself feel better about having just been totally dissed by all of my friends and several construction workers who just saw me naked which would possibly be really easy to do if I hadn’t just been dissed by all of my friends and several construction workers who just saw me naked. And actually, it’s not my friends’ fault that they all have lives and can’t just run off with me every time I put multiple posts on twitter and the Houston Chronicle begging people to come see Sex and The City with me and I end up alone in the theater crying at Sex and the Fucking City (WTF, me?!) and eating goobers. Oh and when I went to the ticket counter and said “One for Sex and the City” the guy in the ticket booth said (fucking seriously, people) “Oh, I could see that coming a mile away”. Like…what-the-fuck, guy-selling-tickets? You’re judging me for seeing Sex and the City? You work in a box, dude.
And yeah, I used to sell snow cones in a shack in a parking lot when I was your age but I didn’t berate my customers when they ordered the rainbow cone even though I totally could have. (Special note to people who order the rainbow snowcone: There is no such thing as a rainbow cone. If you don’t specify which flavors you want we just pick whatever colors are closest and that means you might be getting green apple & bubble gum or you might be getting leftover pickle juice & industrial cleaner. Rainbow is not a flavor. Be specific. It serves us all. Also? you should probably avoid snowcone shacks in general because there’s no air conditioning so when we’d get too hot we’d crawl inside the coolers and lay on the iceblocks. Sorry, Snow Wizard, I’ve spilled your nasty secret. Bonus nasty secret: “Snow cream” is actually just half-and-half. We just put it in a special bottle so we can charge you extra for it.)
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, 50 good things about me:
1. I can curse really well.
2. Really fucking well.
3. When I was 8 month pregnant I screamed “DIRTY C-NT!” at a pushy car salesman. Even Victor got a little scared.
4. I’m taking off all of next week to write my book. Seriously. I have a book inside of me and I’m going to get it out if I have to squeeze it through my vagina. Because that’s what the world needs. A book squeezed from my vagina.
5. I make myself laugh.
6. I almost always listen to my brilliant husband when he tells me what to do. This has served me well.
7. I almost always refuse to listen to my brilliant husband when he tells me what not to do. This has served me better.
8. I can put on lipstick in the dark.
9. I can play the guitar like a motherfucking riot. (No, wait. That’s Sublime who does that.)
10. I got married on the 4th of July because of a dream.
11. Whenever there’s a dinner party my table is always the most fun because I say something inappropriate and stupid right up front and then everyone feels free to talk about astronaut dildoes because they know that they aren’t going to be the one remembered as being the weirdo at the table.
12. My mom is a lunch lady and my dad is a taxidermist and I am immensely proud of them.
14. I’m not afraid to embrace my phobias.
15. I have a genius for choosing friends.
16. I can create art with no true artistic value and still be proud of it:
17. I survived being attacked by wild(ish) dogs.
18. I solved America’s National Deficit Issue.
19. I have a rare blood disease that causes fetal death and gave myself over 500 injections in the stomach so my daughter would live.
20. I forgave myself for the children that didn’t live.
21. I totally just brought down this whole post with #20 and I’m leaving it in anyway because it’s important even if it isn’t funny.
22. I’m easily distracted.
23. Did I take my meds today?
24. I have to go to the bathroom.
25. Is that infected?
25. Crap. I accidentally switched to 50 things I was thinking about.
26. I’m not afraid of heights.
27. I’m not afraid of ghosts.
28. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m afraid of giant squid.
29. I’m not afraid to end this list 21 numbers early.
Comment of the day: You got married when you did because of a dream. I got married when I did because I thought the Rapture was looming and wanted to have sex before Jesus came back. ~Musing