50 things is 49 to many

My friend Arianne said I should write 50 things I like about myself  to make myself feel better about having just been totally dissed by all of my friends and several construction workers who just saw me naked which would possibly be really easy to do if I hadn’t just been dissed by all of my friends and several construction workers who just saw me naked.  And actually, it’s not my friends’ fault that they all have lives and can’t just run off with me every time I put multiple posts on twitter and the Houston Chronicle begging people to come see Sex and The City with me and I end up alone in the theater crying at Sex and the Fucking City (WTF, me?!) and eating goobers.  Oh and when I went to the ticket counter and said “One for Sex and the City” the guy in the ticket booth said (fucking seriously, people) “Oh, I could see that coming a mile away”.  Like…what-the-fuck, guy-selling-tickets?  You’re judging me for seeing Sex and the City?  You work in a box, dude. 

And yeah, I used to sell snow cones in a shack in a parking lot when I was your age but I didn’t berate my customers when they ordered the rainbow cone even though I totally could have.  (Special note to people who order the rainbow snowcone:  There is no such thing as a rainbow cone.  If you don’t specify which flavors you want we just pick whatever colors are closest and that means you might be getting green apple & bubble gum or you might be getting leftover pickle juice & industrial cleaner.  Rainbow is not a flavor.  Be specific.  It serves us all.  Also? you should probably avoid snowcone shacks in general because there’s no air conditioning so when we’d get too hot we’d crawl inside the coolers and lay on the iceblocks.  Sorry, Snow Wizard, I’ve spilled your nasty secret.  Bonus nasty secret:  “Snow cream” is actually just half-and-half.  We just put it in a special bottle so we can charge you extra for it.)

 Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, 50 good things about me:

1.  I can curse really well.

2.  Really fucking well.

3.  When I was 8 month pregnant I screamed “DIRTY C-NT!” at a pushy car salesman.  Even Victor got a little scared.

4.  I’m taking off all of next week to write my book.  Seriously.  I have a book inside of me and I’m going to get it out if I have to squeeze it through my vagina.  Because that’s what the world needs.  A book squeezed from my vagina.

5.  I make myself laugh.

6.  I almost always listen to my brilliant husband when he tells me what to do.  This has served me well.

7.  I almost always refuse to listen to my brilliant husband when he tells me what not to do.  This has served me better.

8.  I can put on lipstick in the dark.

9.  I can play the guitar like a motherfucking riot.  (No, wait.  That’s Sublime who does that.)

10.  I got married on the 4th of July because of a dream.

11.  Whenever there’s a dinner party my table is always the most fun because I say something inappropriate and stupid right up front and then everyone feels free to talk about astronaut dildoes because they know that they aren’t going to be the one remembered as being the weirdo at the table.

12.  My mom is a lunch lady and my dad is a taxidermist and I am immensely proud of them.

14.  I’m not afraid to embrace my phobias.

15. I have a genius for choosing friends.

16.  I can create art with no true artistic value and still be proud of it:

17.  I survived being attacked by wild(ish) dogs.

18.  I solved America’s National Deficit Issue.

19.  I have a rare blood disease that causes fetal death and gave myself over 500 injections in the stomach so my daughter would live.

20.  I forgave myself for the children that didn’t live.

21.  I totally just brought down this whole post with #20 and I’m leaving it in anyway because it’s important even if it isn’t funny.

22.  I’m easily distracted.

23.  Did I take my meds today?

24.  I have to go to the bathroom.

25.  Is that infected?

25.  Crap.  I accidentally switched to 50 things I was thinking about.

26.  I’m not afraid of heights.

27.  I’m not afraid of ghosts.

28.  I’m not afraid to admit that I’m afraid of giant squid.

29. I’m not afraid to end this list 21 numbers early.

Comment of the day: You got married when you did because of a dream. I got married when I did because I thought the Rapture was looming and wanted to have sex before Jesus came back. ~Musing

133 thoughts on “50 things is 49 to many

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I knew this would be genius, but I had no idea I’d walk away from this post excited about something coming out of your vagina. That right there is writer prowess.

    And I’m happy you left #20 in there. I peek inside the really real for realz YOU.

    To Think Is To Create’s last blog post..Fifty Things I Like About Myself

  2. #20 made my breath catch in my throat. But I’m glad for that glimpse of you. Also, I’m sorry that I couldn’t make it to Houston today.

    And? You rock my world for taking a week off to write. I want to do that. Like, NOW. Maybe I should start a writer’s colony and hire a chef.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..Good Porches Make Good Neighbors

  3. #33 You’re going to put on your big-girl panties (not the grandma kind, just the regular mature girl ones) at BlogHer and let all of us stalkers laugh at, I mean WITH you when you say things that include vaginas and ninjas.

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..Are you ready…

  4. Oh, Jenny- you’re my own Amy Sedaris!

    I live in P-land and if I ever saw you, I think I’d be starstruck.

  5. You wouldn’t want me to come live with you because I have an unhealthy obsession with mustard.

    Also? Come to Chicago and I swear you’d be beating people off with a stick if you put a call out to come meet you at the movies. We rock like that. Also? Houston doesn’t know how good they have it.

    To Think Is To Create’s last blog post..Fifty Things I Like About Myself

  6. Thank you so much. I needed the laughing so hard I started crying kind of laughter.

  7. #34. You’re very kind to your legion of stalkers … I mean fans.

  8. a week? Chick, it is going to take you a whole WEEK to write a book? Pffft. I could do it in an hour. That is if I could be bothered. Or had talent.

    When you finish your book bring it here and I will sign it for you. That is the way it works right?

    Kelley’s last blog post..So what is His url?

  9. I’m just going to ask this straight up-do you have PMS? I saw the Sex in the City at the movies, and I can’t figure out why you would have cried. Unless it was about the general quality of the movie. Don’t hate me.

    Mrs. G.’s last blog post..The First Mrs. G.

  10. I am SO glad that snow cream is half n half…after the naked confession, I was really scared about what was going to come next.

    So I guess #35 -public service announcement on snow cones.

    qt’s last blog post..Ladies Night

  11. I would have snatched a knot in that ticket seller’s ass! What if you had wanted to see Indiana Bones and the Temple of Poon?

    Also, I cannot wait for your very own Vagina Monologue and can’t believe you couldn’t make it to 50 – I think you’re great.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Mood? Lifting.

  12. Another reminder why I wish you lived here in the Bay Area. And I promise I wouldn’t have any squid around (even cute plush ones) when you came to visit.

    Lady M’s last blog post..A Place for Roo

  13. I cried, too, so there’s some solidarity. Not bawling, but like do I even have a tissue in my purse?

    When Charlotte got fierce, that got me.

    I’m glad you included #20. (Where’s the tissue now?)

    And if #27 is true, we should go on a paranormal investigation sometime, like on Ghost Hunters. Maybe with Ghost Hunters.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..The one where Mr. H steps in something

  14. Dude. I totally have been on a paranormal investigation before. I held the emf detector. No joke. And it all ended at a bar. A haunted bar. Bonus awesome.

  15. I was totally judged too by the box girl. Before I could even ask for my ticket she said, “Let me guess…sex and the city?”. I asked how she knew, and she said that she could tell by my shoes. Really? My shoes? I’m in a wheelchair. My shoes are the last thing people look at. It was oddly touching… kind of like the movie.

    Little Wriggle’s last blog post..Ron Stone- A Hero and a Friend

  16. 12. My mom is a lunch lady and my dad is a taxidermist and I am immensely proud of them.


    14. I’m not afraid to embrace my phobias.

  17. The ???? part addresses my biggest phobia. Triskaidekaphobia. I can’t even describe what it is without feeling uncomfortable. I can’t even push the button on the elevator to that floor. I just have to ride it until someone else pushes it.

    I’m surprised you caught it. I pretty much always skip that number when I do lists and no one ever notices.

  18. Just got back from the movie. In a word? Delicious. It woulda tasted better with you by my side.

    That has NOTHING to do with tasting you, though.

    As far as your list: a) are you drunk, b) you should mention you hired me as your editor, c) writing a book IS like giving birth (or is that withdrawal after sex?), d) your artwork looks incredibly nothing like dildos.

    Why do I always sound drunk when I comment to you???

    Robin’s last blog post..A daughter’s denial and my heart might explode

  19. I survived being attacked by a wild(ish) dog too!! Let’s start a club in which you help me learn to embrace my phobias!!

    I love that you got married because of a dream (or at least picked the date that way.

    Women who curse are my people.

    holli’s last blog post..thirteen. [Flickr]

  20. A) Don’t let guy-selling-tickets judge you. Only truly fabulous people have the confidence to go to a movie alone.

    B) I’m relieved that snow cream is just half-and-half. The way the post was going, it sounded like it might be more sinister.

    C) If I’m ever cool enough to get invited to the same dinner party as you, I’m totally sitting at your table.

    D) How awesome that you’re proud of your parents. I am too and some people never reach that point until it’s too late.

    E) You’re an amazing and strong lady.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..spousal support

  21. Number 20 just made me love you more. I wish I could say that.

    I totally would have seen the movie with you, you know, if I wasn’t here in Damn TN… Wrong “T” state…

    kate’s last blog post..Mr. Russert is gone

  22. I would have totally gone to the movies with you if I didn’t live 1500 miles away and had a babysitter. I would have bought the goobers.

    You didn’t need anymore than that. You are totally awesome, like your parents.

    Glennia’s last blog post..How Not to Grow Hydroponic Herbs

  23. I’ll add myself to the people who are glad you kept #20. You’re just awesome!

    And I’m totally going to see Sex in the City all by myself when it comes out here because:

    1. I couldn’t possibly DRAG my husband to go see it with me (I’m not entirely sure the promise of sex in the theater would work to get him to come) ~ seriously thought about changing that line, but left it in ’cause I thought it would amuse you,

    2. I have no female friends that are not online people I’ve never met. Heck, with as crazy as I am y’all may all be figments of my imagination.

    Kylie’s last blog post..The little thief!

  24. Jenny, you should have done what I usually do when some dumbass is rude– pulled him through the ticket slot, and then asked him if he was sure he wanted to make a rude comment to you. I’ve noticed that they always say “no”, once you’ve jerked them over the counter at McDonald’s/Subway/every mall store on Earth/etc.

    Oh, and in the future, you might want to always capitalize Goobers, especially if you’re saying you were eating them. Chocolate covered peanuts wasn’t my first thought, while reading that portion.

  25. Oh yeah, and it doesn’t hurt that your mom is the coolest lunch lady ever, and your dad is the coolest taxidermist ever. BTW, you have some cool uncles, too, if I do say so myself.

  26. Thanks for sharing your list…even the difficult sh*t. You’re one tough be-otch*!*

    (I’ve always thought your photography was awesome, your art ain’t so bad either!)

    Will that book come with a set of latex gloves…I don’t usually touch things that come out of vaginas…well except my kids.

    Dianna’s last blog post..I did it*!*/ No they didn’t part 4/What I learned today

  27. Well, you’ve pushed one absolutely amazing thing out of your vagina…why not another?

  28. Four things:

    -“dude, you work in a box” – hA! Good one.

    – Have I told you lately that I love you?

    – You make me laugh, too, but then so do I, so… well…

    – I’m glad you’ve forgiven yourself for your other would-be’s. And even more glad you have the one you do.

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Summertime

  29. when i was pregnant, my vagina became fondly known as ‘area 51’ and i’m pretty sure if i took a week to squeeze a book out of her government secrets would come spilling out.

    krista’s last blog post..her head tastes delicious

  30. i’m moving back to houston in november and i’ll totally go to the movies with you. i mean if you don’t mind going to the movies with someone you’ve never met but who stalks…i mean reads your blog. i can give you references if you need them. (note to self…make up some references to impress the bloggess…or ask black hockey jesus for one…he owes you since you know his true identity and are keeping it a secret.)

    natalie’s last blog post..Lazy Saturday

  31. I appreciate the person at the table who will say/do anything. I LOVE to lose my mind laughing – which I’m pretty sure would happen with you.

    I actually made it through both of my pregnancies peacefully because of a dream.

    And…I have NO desire to see that movie, but when I saw your twitters about it I gave myself a good lashing for not living in Texas 🙂

    Kendra’s last blog post..Humor

  32. Are you aware of how fun a party would be with you and Britt in the same room? I think you need to start planning a trip to Orlando for November 1st.

    Avitable’s last blog post..Deadline

  33. I will pimp your book that comes out of your vag—-but it will not be a review. Just so you know so you can prepare yourself for all the glory. Can’t wait until Blogher because I can see my pals and I can go to the bathroom by music.

    whitetrashmom’s last blog post..People that Should Be Killed

  34. I sold waffle cones at the fair when I was 16, so I, um, totally get that snow cone part.

    And your art? A-maz-ing!

  35. my first job was picking trash up with a pointy stick when i was 12. good training for all the community service hours that were to follow.

    i am afraid if high places even when i am on the ground just looking up at them. i get vertigo and kind of sick to my stomach just driving past tall buildings.

    I ain’t scared of no stinkin’ ghosts.

    always, buddy’s last blog post..dream du hour.

  36. Awesome. Also I promise to give you credit every time I have the urge to say “rainbow is not a flavor”, which I think is going to happen a lot.

    Mmmmm, pickle juice and industrial cleaner…

  37. I have liked you for a looooong time. But 500 needles in the belly? Wow. You amaze me. Can you tell I really hate needless.

  38. You got married when you did because of a dream. I got married when I did because I thought the Rapture was looming and wanted to have sex before Jesus came back.

  39. I have had ghost(ish) encounters. Exhilarating…but not scary. If it was scary I wouldn’t be the girl pushing everyone into the abandoned building at midnight.

  40. If you worked in a snow shack … you are my daughter’s hero FOR LIFE. I just spent an entire week driving miles out of my way every day just to check if the damn snow shack was open yet.

    WRITE THAT BOOK! I can’t wait to read it. Once it’s dry.

    mayberry’s last blog post..A rose is a rose, and all that stuff

  41. if you are, in fact a *real* person, then i want to keep you. if you are a robot, i still want to keep you.

    you totally have to stop putting down your art, b/c it’s awesome. so are your photos. and your writing. i don’t like you so much after all. (heek!)

    piglet’s last blog post..he likes big butts, another piglet “lesson”

  42. I also worked in a snow cone stand when I was a young-un. Except our “snow cream” was sweetened condensed milk.

    I think the c-word is under-utilized. Some people are just c’s, and no other word can accurately describe them. I purposely did not leave the house while pregnant for fear of the c-bomb, the f-bomb, and any other bomb I might decide to lob at an innocent passerby. Chances are, though, that the salesman deserved it.

  43. You should get someone to follow you with a camera as you squeeze out this book and make a documentary called “The Miracle of Book Writing.” And then at the end show it. Like they did in that movie “The Miracle of Life” they showed in sex ed class and which has scarred me for life. Well, maybe not. I’m not sure the world is ready for such an up close and personal shot of your vagina.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Harry Potter Prequel

  44. Your scathing and refreshing honesty is why I come here. It is at once endearing and leveling. I would totally read a book squeezed from your vagina – though I might spritz it with sanitizer first, no offense of course.

    Ann’s last blog post..What The Heck?

  45. Awwww…I would have gone with you to the movie. I played hooky from work to see “The Happening” with my husband. I could have totally blown him off to see SATC with you!

    But I didn’t read blogs Friday. Darn.

    avonlea’s last blog post..Reading with a two year old

  46. You officially slay me. I mean seriously, I would pay to sit at the dinner table with you. However, number 6 does not compute. How is this possible?

  47. Can you get an epi if you squeeze a book out of your vagina? Whether or not you can, you should get something sparkly for doing so!

    Oh and the next time hubby has a work/social function can I bring you with us? Because when you say something inappropriate it is charming and hysterical. When I do it, these people are thinking, “we really should demote this man because he’s got wierd tastes in women.”

    motherofbun’s last blog post..What do you want on your tombstone?

  48. WOW! I took shots for my 2nd child too! And had to forgive myself for the 3 before her! I rarely here of people who had to do that! What a reward at the end!

  49. See now I KNOW you should have shown up Saturday night to my birthday party!! You would have competition, my ex boss came in and tried to show everyone her breasts! Compete with THAT!

    I’m also throwing in #50.

    #50 – I have no idea how much of the world I touch each and every day, bringing a little humor, light and love (in a sadistic) way into their poor unworthy pitiful lives.

    See #50 sounds better when someone else offers it up for you.

  50. Yeah, I used to work at a Chick-fil-a @ the mall. Peeps would come up and order 3 meals for themselves. I, never once, said “Gee, you’re HUGE, I never saw that coming.” I totally could have but guess who has couth? I do!

    Also, for .5 second I will try to be serious and say miscarriages blow! Congrats for not blaming yourself! Both of my kiddos are the sucess of 6 pregnancies. You take the good, you take the bad…

    mymilabean’s last blog post..Do you ever feel crazy? Like in a special genius super-hero way?

  51. Also, I know how to spell success but I CHOSE to spell it all jacked-up b/c I believe in the beaty of blogs, and in inspiring people to use spell-check, and I like that I can comment, and then comment again until you block me for spamming your site which? You would never do b/c you seem like such a nice person.

    Also in related news, look out for a malicious comment on Good Mom Bad Mom b/c they always warn me not to and I don’t think they are the boss of me!

    mymilabean’s last blog post..Do you ever feel crazy? Like in a special genius super-hero way?

  52. so, does your mom serve the innards of the animals your dad stuffs??

    in all seriousness though, you totally fucking rock.

    i’m guessing this means hailey will be an only child? i would totally be a surrogate for you 🙂

    wow…i pretty much just creeped myself out with that comment, but well, you get me

    biddy’s last blog post..Ahhhh That’s Much Better!

  53. I’m not sure what I am more freaked out about, the fact that someone else is afraad of gaint squid, or the fact that I am going to stand in line to read something you squeezed out of your vagina.

    michellew’s last blog post..Showers of happiness…

  54. Sorry I’m soooo late responding but this was your best post EVER!!!! It is hilarious:)Great job Jenny!!!!

    Now get to writing that damn book and hurry back to work!!!!!!!

  55. So you’re going along, listing your talents for swearing and breaking the ice, and then out of the freakin blue #20 pops up. Wow – heavy, but insightful.
    I’m really glad that #21 followed #20 – some crap isn’t anyone’s fault.
    Who needs to list 50 things ? Quality, not quantity, right?

  56. Wow, I had no idea you were hiding in the corners of the net but I am glad I found you and by the comments of your legions of fans I must be on to something here. I am subscribing now and will become part of the borg…

  57. Pingback: Good Mom / Bad Mom

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