This is what happened in my head but in real life I just said “Fine. Thanks.”

Random stranger:  Hi, how are you?

Me:  You know that old story about the contest where those three dudes have walk a full glass of water a mile and whoever spills the least wins some virgins or cows or something?  And the first two guys get to the finish line and they’ve spilled like half of their water and then the last guy gets there and his glass is empty and they’re all laughing at him and then he’s like “Dudes.  I drank mine, bitches!  I win, ya dumb assholes!”  But what you probably didn’t know was that that story was based on an earlier story about a candle in that has to be taken across a wind tunnel and the first two chicks immediately fail but then the last chick comes over with an unlit candle and they’re all “Oh, you failed too” and she’ s like “Nuh-uh, assholes.  I set fired to my hair!” and she rips off her hat and she’s bald and blistery and then everyone’s like “Oh my God, get that girl to a hospital!” and then the girl is all “Not until I get my money.  Pay up, bitches!” and then they’re all like “Um…we didn’t bet any money, dude.  And anyway, why didn’t you just set fire to your hat?” and then the woman gets all quiet because, yeah…why didn’t she just set fire to her hat? 

Random stranger:  Huh.

Me:  That’s pretty much exactly how I feel today.

Comment of the day: Do you ever look at someone whose arm is behind her back, and for just a split second you think she doesn’t have an arm and it sort of changes the way you feel about her until she waves and then you are so happy, thinking: “Oh, look how she appreciates that arm of hers!” OR, she flips someone off and you’re annoyed because: “she doesn’t even appreciate having that arm”. That’s sort of how my moods are swinging today. ~ Jacquie

123 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Somebody watched a double-feature of Meatballs and Body of Evidence last night too, I see.

  2. You clearly do not have Olympic fever…

    gingela5’s last blog post..That’s why I don’t eat Cheerios…

  3. Ummm… yeah…I think I may have heard that one before…

    Please administer some self-medication and have a great day. lol

    Mr. Noodle’s last blog post..Meat for Life…

  4. It is a rare day for me to be able to say this honestly, but…

    “Me, too.”


    Robin (PENSIEVE)’s last blog post..J’adoreFun Monday

  5. I so know that day! The only way to save it is to administer large doses of whiskey.

    Miss Thystle’s last blog post..Material World

  6. Frequently I’m the girl who sets fire to her hair when I could have just set fire to my hat. I’m also the foot-in-mouth type too. I wonder if one is a side affect of the other.

    What makes it fun is having an anal husband who enjoys pointing out my always doing it the hard way. THANK YOU, Candy Ass.

  7. Oh yes, I have totally had days like that…

  8. You have made me spit milk out of my nose–and I am not even drinking milk! perfectly funny!


    lisa’s last blog post..Blogtastic…amazing and awesome

  9. Holycow I’m hurting laughing at you…..

    I just stood in the rain for over an hour digging through storage stuff looking for a blasted tell me, how hard can a stove be to find? I was soaked through and through…I wish I had read this before I went to meet the guys who were picking up the appliances because dude, they just stood and watched me…..and they stood OUT of the damned rain…..oh yea they so deserve that little tale right there!

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..Allergy – Outta Here!

  10. You know what they always say:

    “Some days you’re the catfucker, somedays you’re just the cat.”

    The Husband’s last blog post..How to Traumatize a Toddler

  11. I have more days like that than I like to think about.

    Sauntering Soul’s last blog post..Fun Monday – One of my most prized possessions

  12. Oh no, did you set fire to you hair and try to put it out by drinking water…again?

  13. Would you believe me if I said, “Me too.”

  14. Wow. Just wow.

    And 13.

  15. I’m envisioning kind of a reverse Gift of the Magi, combining the two stories. The men use all of the water to douse out the candles. No one wins. No one is happy. The end.

    patty’s last blog post..this ain’t no party. this ain’t no disco.

  16. I hate it when I set fire to my hair for no good reason.

    Kristine’s last blog post..You really can get pretty much ANYTHING there!

  17. I’m not sure that it was wiser to set fire to her hat instead. I mean, it is a wind tunnel. By blocking the wind from her flaming head (!!) she’d have an advantage. Although by putting the hat on, wouldn’t she pretty much extinguish the flames? And if she did set fire to her hat, who is to say that the flames wouldn’t reach her head anyway? Like, it doesn’t matter if she set fire to her hair or hat, because it’s all burning anyway? But I am guessing there was no prize, so yeah, she was pretty stupid. And now I feel stupid.

    PS I was totally thinking Geisha tricks when you started in with the candle business.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Shego loves it when we order prints

  18. Funny … the same stuff happened to me sitting around O’Hare Airport for 5 hours yesterday.

    Dang Presidente Margaritas. Damn you, Chili’s Too!

    always home and uncool’s last blog post..My Son, The Budding Racist

  19. um, i have no idea what you just said, yet somehow i find myself nodding in agreement.

    shauna’s last blog post..sisterhood of the traveling douche-bags

  20. Is it scary to you that I feel as though setting fire to my hair today might be an improvement upon the crap that is my life today? I suppose that you totally get me right now, right?

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..For The Love of My Life

  21. And secondly? WTF is up with CommentLuv? That post was like 2 weeks ago!

    Just another reason for me to hide under a rock today!

    Headless Mom’s last blog post..For The Love of My Life

  22. I miss the days when contests awarded virgin cows. Those were the days.

    will betheboy’s last blog post..I Don’t Think I Like This, Davey

  23. I’m not really full of mosquitoes either but the buzzing – the incessant buzzing – never stops.

    motherbumper’s last blog post..City Mouse

  24. 24
    Just A. Reader

    Fine. Thanks.

  25. Wow, I’m totally confused, but I hope your day gets better. Or you can just drink a bottle of vodka, straight, and sit down and watch the Olympics. That always makes me feel better!!!!

    🙂 Just think, Michael Phelps, or any swimmer, in a full body SPEEDO. For some reason the thought of ANYONE in a Speedo always makes me laugh.

    Greis (Grace)’s last blog post..I think I’m in LOVE

  26. Yeah, me too.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Your Daily Dose of Adorable

  27. I have never met anyone else in real life that can put into words exactly the way I feel. And yet, you manage it time and time again.

    You are my hero.

    Also, you’re apparently, equally as crazy as I am. Which, as my husband recently enlightened me to, is a benchmark in crazy. Welcome to the crazy-benchmark club. We have fun here.

    Diana’s last blog post..Husbands Say The Darnedest Things

  28. Sometimes I have days where I feel like I should just slam my head repeatedly into my desk. At least I’d have a bruise to show for my efforts. A lovely, bizarre post!

    Raging Dad’s last blog post..Do androids dream of Dora the Explorer?

  29. First, I have to agree with Greis. Michael Phelps will paint rainbows all over your blues!
    I think you should start carrying a small camera will you to snap a pic of people when you are having these conversations. That’s what I do and it’s produced many a gem. I call the file “Evidence of my Awkwardness.” I don’t publish them because they make my reality more, um, real.

    shonda little’s last blog post..Two Burning Rings of Fire

  30. Somehow Alanis Morrisette is in my head singing the theme song to this post..
    “Its like Raaaaiiinnn on your wedding day…..”
    and i don’t really like her, but who doesn’t know this song?

  31. Yeah, “random” and “stranger” pretty much sums that post up, lol…..

    And the moral of this story is, always get your money up front before setting fire to your head.

    houndrat’s last blog post..Moms behaving badly….

  32. Whenever your post titles start “This happened in my head” I know I’m in for a good ride through crazy. And I love it.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Buildings

  33. i don’t think i really got either one of those stories. but then again that’s probably the point right? 🙂

    katelin’s last blog post..Hollywood’s a little bit sad, a little bit cute and a whole lot of random.

  34. Hm.

    May I suggest some pot? Yes, I think pot might help here. I’m pretty sure that’s what it would say in the DSM-IV, anyway.

    ali’s last blog post..Because we all know who the victims are here: the companies.

  35. I’m. Just. Speechless.

    Kile’s last blog post..Tuesday Smackdown

  36. And then I was like, “why are you speaking to me” only to realise that he wasn’t and it was really just me speaking to myself. The gestures through me way off. Way way off.


    Jason’s last blog post..Self Destruct in T minus 5

  37. Y’know, it took me a long time to figure out that, when people say “Hi, how are you?”, they really don’t want an honest answer.

    Steve’s last blog post..The Perverse and Often Baffling World of Naked Shorts

  38. Your own of those people who has never met a stranger. It’s very endearing if you ask me.

    Amy in Ohio’s last blog post..The New Men in My Life

  39. Do you ever look at someone whose arm is behind her back, and for just a split second you think she doesn’t have an arm and it sort of changes the way you feel about her until she waves and then you are so happy, thinking: “Oh, look how she appreciates that arm of hers!” OR, she flips someone off and you’re annoyed because: “she doesn’t even appreciate having that arm”. That’s sort of how my moods are swinging today.

    Jacquie’s last blog post..Westy Love, Part 1

  40. Will likes virgin cows ’cause he doesn’t like having sex with all those cows from the Old McDonald Had a (Gangbang) Farm videos. Who knew my husband was so picky about his dairy?

    (Does this qualify as the most tasteless comment, ever?)

    the slackmistress’s last blog post..BetheMarriage LIVE! The Highlight Reel.

  41. One of the reasons I no longer drink – or smoke = 1 bar, large hair, aqua net hair spray, lighting my best friend on fire. At least I wasn’t the one who threw tequila on her to put it out!

    Sandy’s last blog post..MeMeMe!

  42. wow. so what your saying it that you would rather set fire to your hair than tell us what is really going on?

  43. That is a very fascinating conversation between you and a random stranger. Very fascinating, indeed.

    Hippo Brigade’s last blog post..Number 4

  44. I’m an expert on setting my hair on fire in order to achieve a less than optimal outcome. Usually because I wasn’t paying attention when they explained the rules or displayed the prizes.

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..The $15 Dress And Other Stories

  45. i’m fairly certain i need a xanax now because that totally and completely made sense.


  46. Yes, but what about the bacon? You can’t forget the bacon. She was totally carrying bacon. Or eating bacon. Or feeding bacon to the mongoose. Geez.

    zenmomma’s last blog post..Not surprisingly, I now have an almost uncontrollable urge to trade in my Honda

  47. Hold up. Do you feel like the guy who drank all his water, or the other two sorry losers? Because depending on your angle, today could be a very good day or a very shitty one.
    Either way, Cheers.

    Elle’s last blog post..Wild Card Inside

  48. You’re a complicated, complicated woman.

  49. You set fire to your hair? In front of a random stranger? Lame. That sucks.

    I have those days too.. More often than I’ll ever admit.

    ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..idiots on the internet.. not for the faint of heart!

  50. I so get this and that in itself is scary. I hate the smell of burning hair.

    Kat’s last blog katastrophe

  51. Because everyone knows hair burns longer than hat.

    Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?’s last blog post..The Dara Torres Workout

  52. I am constantly setting fire to the hair not the hat, and sometimes I wish people would just let it go instead of pointing it out.

    Sarah at themommylogues’s last blog post..The one where Captain America goes to the ER sporting blue hair

  53. It’s like a blonde joke…without the hair.

    Erica’s last blog post..Cookies, Cops, and Card Tricks

  54. 55
    I can't read my nametag

    This is what I said in my comment…

    Your random, meandering posts make my days so much more palatable – sometimes because in reading them I discover I am not alone in my psychoses; other times because I experience a palpable sense of relief to realize, by comparison, I am not nearly as deeply disturbed as you (upon which realization, I celebrate by calling my former therapists – alphabetically – to leave messages stating “at least I’m not as deeply disturbed as Jenny,” which entertains me long after I hang up since all of my former therapists are likely to have a patient named Jenny and my message would undoubtedly set them to wondering in a panic if they’d accidentally violated the patient’s right to privacy by sharing one or more of Jenny’s dark secrets with me during a session and therefore are in jeopardy of losing their license to practice).

    Either way, thanks for making my day better.

    …but in my head, I was thinking, “WTF, Jenny? Did someone dust your Fruit Loops with PCP?”

  55. I would not have drunk the water because that would cause a filling of my bladder and the further-weakening of my shitty Kegel muscle. So, I wouldn’t have dribbled water from the glass, just from my bladder, thankyouverymuch.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..I Shoulda Bought an Iguana Part 2

  56. And here I was thinking about taking the kids school clothes shopping.

    Maybe I’ll reconsider, if it’s going to be *that* kind of day.

  57. I still love you even when you talk like Stifler from American Pie.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Forgetful

  58. I’ve never heard of either of those stories. That combined with my lack of knowledge about R.O.U.S., I’m probably going to be kicked off your blog.

    tela’s last blog post..Got Weight Issues? Get Inspired

  59. Was the random stranger Michael Phelps? He might get the water thing.

    Are you saying don’t play with fire?

    Smokey the Bear was a wise animal.

  60. I’m having a ‘set fire to my hair’ couple of weeks. I feel better now knowing it’s not just me.

    Tara R.’s last blog post..Is it over yet?

  61. i hate the olympics and all that they stand for, too. goddamn exercising bastards.

    deb’s last blog post..camptown races, sing something dope.

  62. Hey, that was my day yesterday! I cured it with a handful of Xanax and a few shots of Jack.


    Hilly’s last blog post..Pulls Her Hair Back As She Screams…

  63. I had ones of those days yesterday. It’s good no strangers were around to get my rant.

    Queen of the Click’s last blog post..Big Brother Watches Manhattan

  64. Okay, I know I already commented, but I just keep thinking about your post and taking joy in the sheer randomness of it all.

    Maybe because I thought I was bizarre, but compared to you, I rank almost normal on the randometer. In my post on totally irrational thought processes there is not even one mention of head fires. But maybe I can work it in–does anyone know if Gordon Lightfoot likes candle races?

    houndrat’s last blog post..Moms behaving badly….

  65. I sorta feel like that last chick. But damn my shoes are cute.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Today I totally rocked. Until I didn’t.

  66. Oh yeah, I’ve heard that one before. Yeah, sure, of course. (Backs away slowly…)

    Jennifer’s last blog post..The One Where I Talk About Blankets

  67. Desperately searching for matches…

    Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..Late Night Snacks & Good Reads

  68. I so admire your brain.

    Jenn’s last blog post..A Million Miles

  69. Huh. I was with you till the girl set fire to her hair.

    amanda’s last blog post..You Got The Power!

  70. I think instead of “huh”, I probably would have responded, “I’m fine, and you?” Your random strangers need to be faster on their feet in the face of randomness.

    Missives From Suburbia’s last blog post..It’s My Time

  71. …Which is based upon the OTHER story of the three guys who went to the bar in hawaii on the north shore and there was a mouse trap on the bar and they were drinking and one said to the other put your finger in there and he said how much and he said fifty bucks and he said no a hundred and all three guys yelled a hundred and sprang the trap and it slapped down on the guys finger breaking it…and a hundred bucks isn’t what it used to be…and neither is his finger…

  72. I think I’m confused now, but I’m not sure.

  73. OMG, you bitch! Are you trying to tell me you set fire to my hat?? I said you could only borrow it if you were CAREFUL!

    Swistle’s last blog post..Messes

  74. I didn’t suffer any burn injuries although I did step in dog shit. Yeah. In the new shoes that I love. I mean, loved.

    Lisa’s last blog post..Tube Socks and Grasshoppers

  75. Why is it everytime I come here I feel like I’ve just downed five triple espressos and a shot of jagermeister? And that was just to wash down the lithium and the speed?

    Not that I’ve every done that. Um…

    Chicky Chicky Baby’s last blog post..Paris in training

  76. Breathe. Count to ten and then say the same thing slower to the random stranger.

    Anglophile Football Fanatic’s last blog post..I need your HELP! Please?

  77. If Xanax needs a Poster Person, you are a shoo in.

  78. I’ve left you a little present over at

    Thanks for writing such great stuff!

    well read hostess’s last blog post..The Facts of Life, Part I

  79. Damn, I thought you were talking about virgin cows for a second.

    Dawn’s last blog post..Rick Rolled Redux

  80. I over share with strangers, too. And medical professionals. It’s a compulsion. They ask me if I have heart disease and pretty soon I’m telling them that I have weird dreams where my cat eats all my hair off and do they think that means anything?

    Annie’s last blog post..I pwned Monday

  81. Why can I not ever be that random stranger? I could spend hours in conversation with you…I know what you are thinking..I will bring the Valium.

    Jeremy’s last blog post..Track the Olympic games…

  82. 83

    What a relief. For a minute there I thought you were going to say they ate the candles.

  83. Hi Jenny, this is your pharmacist calling. Your antipsychotic medications have been waiting for pick up for 10 days. Please gives a call back to let us know when you’ll be in to pick them up. 555-WHAT?! BEEP.

  84. Me too. I have a nice assortment of hats, but no hair.

    I love when you write with your inside voice.

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..That didn’t take long…..

  85. You always know the exact words to give me a funny feeling in my pants.

    Avitable’s last blog post..Along came a spider

  86. kind of reminds me of the time when i accidentally said this out loud, “sometimes i just want to put my hands around her neck and squeeze it a little.”

    the look on my boss’s face? one of shock, awe, and possibly fear. i cherish that moment.

    adriane’s last blog itch.

  87. Uhhh yeah I am confused too…but I am a new reader so maybe everyone else gets it…and it’s just all me…in that case maybe if i triple my meds i will so totally get it?

    Georgie’s last blog post..OMGosh I learned something new…

  88. I love when we get a glimpse inside your head.

    slackermommy’s last blog post..Loser Christmas

  89. hahaha! ha..ha

  90. your head is so interesting. It’s like a box full of butterflies

    flutter’s last blog post..Therapy Notes: Worthless

  91. Lemme guess… she set fire to her hat because she was blonde, right?

    kittenpie’s last blog post..I’ve Got Questions

  92. That’s not even just “pretty much” how I feel every single day.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..In two places at once

  93. Yep… That’s pretty much how I feel when I wake up after a night of Diet Big Red and jalapeno Jelly Bellies.


    Ed T.’s last blog post..A Hump Day Hmmm-er for Wordless Wednesday

  94. I’m having exactly the same day.

    I mean, my head isn’t blistered. But the headache I have makes it feel as though it might be.

    Raz’s last blog post..Not That Great, Actually

  95. Yeah, well maybe this will make you feel better. Not that you have never gotten one before, but I am nothing if not a sharer of the wealth. Hell, maybe I am a socialist… media. Yeah, that’s it.

    Jenny, you rock. (I know, tell you something you don’t know)

    Hey, we feel teh awesome, so you get an award. Come get it. Yeah, on my blog.

    Send Chocolate

    T@SendChocolate’s last blog post..You Like Me, You Really Like Me!

  96. Here’s to hope that you don’t have two of those days in a row!

    ????olqu??o?’s last blog post..What a waste…

  97. I hate it when that ????olqu??o? doesn’t work.

  98. Wait. What the ????olqu??o? thing? Is that some sort of curse?

  99. Would you find it odd if I told you that I TOTALLY followed that? It made perfect sense to me…

    Thanks for stopping by my place. I hope you will visit again soon 🙂

    Bir Hair Envy’s last blog post..What The Heck Wednesday

  100. I’m guessing there will be no post today since it’s unlucky 12 + 1 day.

    gingela5’s last blog post..Charlotte’s Web of LIES…

  101. So that was YOU sitting next to me on the subway yesterday! 🙂

    metalia’s last blog post..This is PRECISELY Why I Didn’t Read Harry Potter

  102. “You know that feeling when you lean back in a chair and you almost tip over, but then you catch yourself?

    I feel like that all the time.”

    — Steven Wright

  103. i sort of feel like your mind is beautiful. it feels like when i had that dream the other night and i totally had a polar bear chomping on my arm, but i wasn’t overwhelmingly disturbed because otherwise it was behaving like a labrador.

    liv’s last blog post..10 things tuesday…

  104. Hey Darlin’…come on over and we’ll share my wine and AMINAL crackers ! Actually, I bolted and am sitting in an airport headed to another time zone…a different on than I’m usually not functioning in.

    Swampy’s last blog post..The Grandkids Have Arrived

  105. Amen. But with glitter and two whiney kids, and a dog that’s not ours that likes to hump things. “Things” being my things.

    for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog might say it’s a crush

  106. All i have to say is:

    Tracey’s last blog post..A Sign of Hope for My Arse

  107. I love this! So true. I had a boyfriend from Israel once who complained about the fine thanks phenomenon. “Darling, ” he said. “Never ask anyone in Isreal how they are like you do here. They will actually tell you what they are thinking.”

    Perhaps a vacation there is in order?

  108. Oh Lordy Jenny, you should sell tickets to the inside of your head.

    So did you win the virgin cow?

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Abandon The North!

  109. 110
    Just A. Reader

    Ooooooh. I want a ticket for Jenny Head!

    Wait. That didn’t come out the way I meant it.

  110. I don’t just want a ticket, I’ll take front row seats!

    shonda little’s last blog post..Perils in Potty Training

  111. Huh?

    I’d be that random stranger because I have no idea what’s going on.

  112. So lost and confused, but sorry you’re feeling like a pyromaniac.

    Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday #10 Superheroes – Just Like Us

  113. It’s the mosquitos in your head talking!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Listen to me on the Radio

  114. Yesterday I lit my hair on fire instead of my hat. And that was after I read this post and should have been more informed.

    Kristine’s last blog post..What Cannibalism Can Help us Learn

  115. So you’re hilarious. I’m hooked. Thanks!

  116. Forget the hat. I think I just lit my whole self on fire. Just to have someone pour water on me.

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Celebu-Not – The Mom Body

  117. I forgot to tell you that on this same day I was fantasizing that I was Ashley Judd in the YaYa Sisterhood movie and that I ran away in a nightgown with just a coat to cover me and a bottle of vodka.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Lyrics of the Week

  118. Let me show you my bald and blistered head. *sigh*

    Channah @ Get a Grip, Mom!’s last blog post..Giveaway: Max Factor Makeup!

  119. Sometimes i fantasize (totally ally mcbeal-esque) about answering “fine” and then mumbling “except not at all” under my breath a la Dan’s Real Life (The Real Life of Dan, In Dan’s Real Life? In the Real Life of Dan? oh whatever that movie’s called) just to see how much the person actually cares about How I am doing. But I never do it, the way it goes down in my fantasies is ugly so i can’t imagine in real life (my real life – not dan’s) it turning out any better.

    Deidre’s last blog post..Elaine Bon Jovi

  120. LMAO. Thanks for commenting… I don’t know that I would have come across your blog otherwise, but that is some damn funny shit. I’m soooo glad people can’t read my mind sometimes. 😀

    paisana’s last blog post..My Weekend Away

  121. Good fucking Lord, do you have any idea how hard it is to muffle laughing in a Professional Work Environment? I mean, it’s Saturday so it’s not that professional but still, I have to answer the phone and stuff and it’s hard to sound professional when I’m trying not to laugh. I realized today that the sound of me trying to not laugh is exactly the same sound I make when I cry too hard, and it’s that weird little gasp and half-sobs that kind of choke me, except this is much more positive because amputees freak me the hell out and now I feel better about it.

    Denise recently posted salad.

  122. 123
    Lady Penelope

    I have had an increasing suspicion that I also have mild Aspergers, in that my first thought jumps straight to the literal and I have to take a minute to translate what is actually being said. That or I feel I have to tell the truth when asked a direct question.

    Stranger: “How are you?”
    Me: “Trying desperately to avoid small talk with strangers , thank you for asking”

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