Random stranger: Hi, how are you?
Me: You know that old story about the contest where those three dudes have walk a full glass of water a mile and whoever spills the least wins some virgins or cows or something? And the first two guys get to the finish line and they’ve spilled like half of their water and then the last guy gets there and his glass is empty and they’re all laughing at him and then he’s like “Dudes. I drank mine, bitches! I win, ya dumb assholes!” But what you probably didn’t know was that that story was based on an earlier story about a candle in that has to be taken across a wind tunnel and the first two chicks immediately fail but then the last chick comes over with an unlit candle and they’re all “Oh, you failed too” and she’ s like “Nuh-uh, assholes. I set fired to my hair!” and she rips off her hat and she’s bald and blistery and then everyone’s like “Oh my God, get that girl to a hospital!” and then the girl is all “Not until I get my money. Pay up, bitches!” and then they’re all like “Um…we didn’t bet any money, dude. And anyway, why didn’t you just set fire to your hat?” and then the woman gets all quiet because, yeah…why didn’t she just set fire to her hat?
Random stranger: Huh.
Me: That’s pretty much exactly how I feel today.
Comment of the day: Do you ever look at someone whose arm is behind her back, and for just a split second you think she doesn’t have an arm and it sort of changes the way you feel about her until she waves and then you are so happy, thinking: “Oh, look how she appreciates that arm of hers!” OR, she flips someone off and you’re annoyed because: “she doesn’t even appreciate having that arm”. That’s sort of how my moods are swinging today. ~ Jacquie