This is what happened in my head but in real life I just said “Fine. Thanks.”

Random stranger:  Hi, how are you?

Me:  You know that old story about the contest where those three dudes have walk a full glass of water a mile and whoever spills the least wins some virgins or cows or something?  And the first two guys get to the finish line and they’ve spilled like half of their water and then the last guy gets there and his glass is empty and they’re all laughing at him and then he’s like “Dudes.  I drank mine, bitches!  I win, ya dumb assholes!”  But what you probably didn’t know was that that story was based on an earlier story about a candle in that has to be taken across a wind tunnel and the first two chicks immediately fail but then the last chick comes over with an unlit candle and they’re all “Oh, you failed too” and she’ s like “Nuh-uh, assholes.  I set fired to my hair!” and she rips off her hat and she’s bald and blistery and then everyone’s like “Oh my God, get that girl to a hospital!” and then the girl is all “Not until I get my money.  Pay up, bitches!” and then they’re all like “Um…we didn’t bet any money, dude.  And anyway, why didn’t you just set fire to your hat?” and then the woman gets all quiet because, yeah…why didn’t she just set fire to her hat? 

Random stranger:  Huh.

Me:  That’s pretty much exactly how I feel today.

Comment of the day: Do you ever look at someone whose arm is behind her back, and for just a split second you think she doesn’t have an arm and it sort of changes the way you feel about her until she waves and then you are so happy, thinking: “Oh, look how she appreciates that arm of hers!” OR, she flips someone off and you’re annoyed because: “she doesn’t even appreciate having that arm”. That’s sort of how my moods are swinging today. ~ Jacquie

123 thoughts on “This is what happened in my head but in real life I just said “Fine. Thanks.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Frequently I’m the girl who sets fire to her hair when I could have just set fire to my hat. I’m also the foot-in-mouth type too. I wonder if one is a side affect of the other.

    What makes it fun is having an anal husband who enjoys pointing out my always doing it the hard way. THANK YOU, Candy Ass.

  2. Holycow I’m hurting laughing at you…..

    I just stood in the rain for over an hour digging through storage stuff looking for a blasted tell me, how hard can a stove be to find? I was soaked through and through…I wish I had read this before I went to meet the guys who were picking up the appliances because dude, they just stood and watched me…..and they stood OUT of the damned rain…..oh yea they so deserve that little tale right there!

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..Allergy – Outta Here!

  3. I’m not sure that it was wiser to set fire to her hat instead. I mean, it is a wind tunnel. By blocking the wind from her flaming head (!!) she’d have an advantage. Although by putting the hat on, wouldn’t she pretty much extinguish the flames? And if she did set fire to her hat, who is to say that the flames wouldn’t reach her head anyway? Like, it doesn’t matter if she set fire to her hair or hat, because it’s all burning anyway? But I am guessing there was no prize, so yeah, she was pretty stupid. And now I feel stupid.

    PS I was totally thinking Geisha tricks when you started in with the candle business.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Shego loves it when we order prints

  4. Wow, I’m totally confused, but I hope your day gets better. Or you can just drink a bottle of vodka, straight, and sit down and watch the Olympics. That always makes me feel better!!!!

    🙂 Just think, Michael Phelps, or any swimmer, in a full body SPEEDO. For some reason the thought of ANYONE in a Speedo always makes me laugh.

    Greis (Grace)’s last blog post..I think I’m in LOVE

  5. I have never met anyone else in real life that can put into words exactly the way I feel. And yet, you manage it time and time again.

    You are my hero.

    Also, you’re apparently, equally as crazy as I am. Which, as my husband recently enlightened me to, is a benchmark in crazy. Welcome to the crazy-benchmark club. We have fun here.

    Diana’s last blog post..Husbands Say The Darnedest Things

  6. First, I have to agree with Greis. Michael Phelps will paint rainbows all over your blues!
    I think you should start carrying a small camera will you to snap a pic of people when you are having these conversations. That’s what I do and it’s produced many a gem. I call the file “Evidence of my Awkwardness.” I don’t publish them because they make my reality more, um, real.

    shonda little’s last blog post..Two Burning Rings of Fire

  7. Somehow Alanis Morrisette is in my head singing the theme song to this post..
    “Its like Raaaaiiinnn on your wedding day…..”
    and i don’t really like her, but who doesn’t know this song?

  8. Do you ever look at someone whose arm is behind her back, and for just a split second you think she doesn’t have an arm and it sort of changes the way you feel about her until she waves and then you are so happy, thinking: “Oh, look how she appreciates that arm of hers!” OR, she flips someone off and you’re annoyed because: “she doesn’t even appreciate having that arm”. That’s sort of how my moods are swinging today.

    Jacquie’s last blog post..Westy Love, Part 1

  9. One of the reasons I no longer drink – or smoke = 1 bar, large hair, aqua net hair spray, lighting my best friend on fire. At least I wasn’t the one who threw tequila on her to put it out!

    Sandy’s last blog post..MeMeMe!

  10. wow. so what your saying it that you would rather set fire to your hair than tell us what is really going on?

  11. Hold up. Do you feel like the guy who drank all his water, or the other two sorry losers? Because depending on your angle, today could be a very good day or a very shitty one.
    Either way, Cheers.

    Elle’s last blog post..Wild Card Inside

  12. This is what I said in my comment…

    Your random, meandering posts make my days so much more palatable – sometimes because in reading them I discover I am not alone in my psychoses; other times because I experience a palpable sense of relief to realize, by comparison, I am not nearly as deeply disturbed as you (upon which realization, I celebrate by calling my former therapists – alphabetically – to leave messages stating “at least I’m not as deeply disturbed as Jenny,” which entertains me long after I hang up since all of my former therapists are likely to have a patient named Jenny and my message would undoubtedly set them to wondering in a panic if they’d accidentally violated the patient’s right to privacy by sharing one or more of Jenny’s dark secrets with me during a session and therefore are in jeopardy of losing their license to practice).

    Either way, thanks for making my day better.

    …but in my head, I was thinking, “WTF, Jenny? Did someone dust your Fruit Loops with PCP?”

  13. And here I was thinking about taking the kids school clothes shopping.

    Maybe I’ll reconsider, if it’s going to be *that* kind of day.

  14. Was the random stranger Michael Phelps? He might get the water thing.

    Are you saying don’t play with fire?

    Smokey the Bear was a wise animal.

  15. Okay, I know I already commented, but I just keep thinking about your post and taking joy in the sheer randomness of it all.

    Maybe because I thought I was bizarre, but compared to you, I rank almost normal on the randometer. In my post on totally irrational thought processes there is not even one mention of head fires. But maybe I can work it in–does anyone know if Gordon Lightfoot likes candle races?

    houndrat’s last blog post..Moms behaving badly….

  16. …Which is based upon the OTHER story of the three guys who went to the bar in hawaii on the north shore and there was a mouse trap on the bar and they were drinking and one said to the other put your finger in there and he said how much and he said fifty bucks and he said no a hundred and all three guys yelled a hundred and sprang the trap and it slapped down on the guys finger breaking it…and a hundred bucks isn’t what it used to be…and neither is his finger…

  17. OMG, you bitch! Are you trying to tell me you set fire to my hat?? I said you could only borrow it if you were CAREFUL!

    Swistle’s last blog post..Messes

  18. Why is it everytime I come here I feel like I’ve just downed five triple espressos and a shot of jagermeister? And that was just to wash down the lithium and the speed?

    Not that I’ve every done that. Um…

    Chicky Chicky Baby’s last blog post..Paris in training

  19. I over share with strangers, too. And medical professionals. It’s a compulsion. They ask me if I have heart disease and pretty soon I’m telling them that I have weird dreams where my cat eats all my hair off and do they think that means anything?

    Annie’s last blog post..I pwned Monday

  20. What a relief. For a minute there I thought you were going to say they ate the candles.

  21. Hi Jenny, this is your pharmacist calling. Your antipsychotic medications have been waiting for pick up for 10 days. Please gives a call back to let us know when you’ll be in to pick them up. 555-WHAT?! BEEP.

  22. kind of reminds me of the time when i accidentally said this out loud, “sometimes i just want to put my hands around her neck and squeeze it a little.”

    the look on my boss’s face? one of shock, awe, and possibly fear. i cherish that moment.

    adriane’s last blog itch.

  23. Yeah, well maybe this will make you feel better. Not that you have never gotten one before, but I am nothing if not a sharer of the wealth. Hell, maybe I am a socialist… media. Yeah, that’s it.

    Jenny, you rock. (I know, tell you something you don’t know)

    Hey, we feel teh awesome, so you get an award. Come get it. Yeah, on my blog.

    Send Chocolate

    T@SendChocolate’s last blog post..You Like Me, You Really Like Me!

  24. “You know that feeling when you lean back in a chair and you almost tip over, but then you catch yourself?

    I feel like that all the time.”

    — Steven Wright

  25. i sort of feel like your mind is beautiful. it feels like when i had that dream the other night and i totally had a polar bear chomping on my arm, but i wasn’t overwhelmingly disturbed because otherwise it was behaving like a labrador.

    liv’s last blog post..10 things tuesday…

  26. Hey Darlin’…come on over and we’ll share my wine and AMINAL crackers ! Actually, I bolted and am sitting in an airport headed to another time zone…a different on than I’m usually not functioning in.

    Swampy’s last blog post..The Grandkids Have Arrived

  27. I love this! So true. I had a boyfriend from Israel once who complained about the fine thanks phenomenon. “Darling, ” he said. “Never ask anyone in Isreal how they are like you do here. They will actually tell you what they are thinking.”

    Perhaps a vacation there is in order?

  28. Ooooooh. I want a ticket for Jenny Head!

    Wait. That didn’t come out the way I meant it.

  29. I forgot to tell you that on this same day I was fantasizing that I was Ashley Judd in the YaYa Sisterhood movie and that I ran away in a nightgown with just a coat to cover me and a bottle of vodka.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Lyrics of the Week

  30. Sometimes i fantasize (totally ally mcbeal-esque) about answering “fine” and then mumbling “except not at all” under my breath a la Dan’s Real Life (The Real Life of Dan, In Dan’s Real Life? In the Real Life of Dan? oh whatever that movie’s called) just to see how much the person actually cares about How I am doing. But I never do it, the way it goes down in my fantasies is ugly so i can’t imagine in real life (my real life – not dan’s) it turning out any better.

    Deidre’s last blog post..Elaine Bon Jovi

  31. LMAO. Thanks for commenting… I don’t know that I would have come across your blog otherwise, but that is some damn funny shit. I’m soooo glad people can’t read my mind sometimes. 😀

    paisana’s last blog post..My Weekend Away

  32. Good fucking Lord, do you have any idea how hard it is to muffle laughing in a Professional Work Environment? I mean, it’s Saturday so it’s not that professional but still, I have to answer the phone and stuff and it’s hard to sound professional when I’m trying not to laugh. I realized today that the sound of me trying to not laugh is exactly the same sound I make when I cry too hard, and it’s that weird little gasp and half-sobs that kind of choke me, except this is much more positive because amputees freak me the hell out and now I feel better about it.

  33. I have had an increasing suspicion that I also have mild Aspergers, in that my first thought jumps straight to the literal and I have to take a minute to translate what is actually being said. That or I feel I have to tell the truth when asked a direct question.

    Stranger: “How are you?”
    Me: “Trying desperately to avoid small talk with strangers , thank you for asking”

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