I just got back from watching Wall-e for like the 18th time because they won’t let me bring my three-year-old into Tropic Thunder and every time I’m sitting there watching Wall-e I’m thinking “WTF?” but then I get home and can’t remember what I was WTF-ing about later but this time I had a pen and so I wrote notes to myself on my thigh during the movie. You’re welcome.
So first of all, this movie doesn’t make any sense at all. I kinda get why 700 years into the future everyone is fat but why do we all turn into cartoons? Because Fred Willard isn’t a cartoon nor is anyone else from his time period and then 700 years later everyone is. Also, how come that plant gets all sad and die-y when it doesn’t get water but is totally cool with being exposed to sub-zero space multiple times? Also, I’m pretty sure the goal of this whole movie is to make me feel fat because the entire time I’m shoving popcorn and a giant icee down my throat, all the fat toon people are drinking their giant icees and flying around on their scooter lounge chairs and this is the point where I always want to twitter that this movie is making me feel fat but I can’t because I don’t have a blackberry and then they show you that the fat people all have this computer screen in front of them that is basically exactly like twitter except better because you can just talk and YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO USE YOUR FINGERS TO TYPE. Which is supposed to come off as some sort of warning to us about the future but all I can think is fucking sign me up because seriously, do you have any idea how hard it was to write just that last sentence? The all-caps part alone made my pinkie achy and yeah, I know, you’re all “That’s what the caps lock is for, dumb-ass” but I never use the cap locks button because I’m worried it will get stuck that way and then ALL MY POSTS WOULD LOOK LIKE THIS AND EVERYONE WILL BE LIKE, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m ready for the time when we’re all fat cartoons, drinking liquid cupcakes, hanging out with indestructible plants and we have a Twitter that doesn’t make me type. Oh and also? the end of that movie? Totally sucks. Spoiler alert for anyone under 8, by the way. If you’re over 8 you don’t need a spoiler alert because I’m pretty sure you don’t even need to see the movie to guess that in the end the cartoon fat people go back to earth and save the planet. But fucking why?! You’re on a kick-ass space ship with non-typing twitter and cushy, floating chairs and no old people and robot babysitters and you want to go back to earth where there’s gravity and smog and decomposing trash piled as high as skyscrapers? You will all be dead within the year. You have no immunities at all. You’re like the Indians and the whole world is a smallpox blanket. Also, smog? Cancer? Possible link? This was just like at the end of The Matrix when (spoiler alert for anyone who’s been dead since 1999) Neo is all “And now I’m going to wake everyone up” and I was like, “The fuck you are, asshole! So basically you’re waking me up to a horrible, destroyed world where we live underground like moles and I’ve spent my entire life contributing to a 401k plan that doesn’t exist?! You are an asshole!” On the way home from that movie I was all “You know what needs to happen? Someone needs to fucking kill Neo. Those damn robots were the best thing that ever happened to us!” and then I yelled out the car window “DON’T FUCKING WAKE ME UP, NEO!” in case he was listening and see what I just did right there? The all caps thing? Ow. Now my pinkie hurts again.
That is exactly the sort of thing that I bet would never happen if I lived 700 years in the future.
Comment of the day: In Canada we are forced to take our children to movies like Tropic Thunder and Pineapple Express so we don’t eat them out of spite. ~ Motherbumper