This doesn’t bode well for the integrity of blogging

Me:  Holy crap.  I just looked up my blog up Technorati and it says I’m in the top 5k.

Victor:  I have no idea what that even means. 

Me:  It means that of the millions of blogs on technorati, mine is ranked as 4,966.

Victor:  Great!  So 4,965 people are better than you.

Me:  No.  4,965 bloggers are better than me.

Victor:  Well that’s…even less impressive.

Me:  It’s kind of a big deal.  Basically I’m in the top five thousand of a medium that, I dunno, probably 1% of the world actually knows exists. 

Victor:  Oh yeah…sounds great.

Me:  So basically all I have to do is kill 4,965 bloggers and then I’m number one.*  Number one, baby!

Victor: What do you get if you’re number one?

Me:  Um…nothing.

Victor:  Ah.  Good luck on that whole killing-thousands-of-people-for-nothing plan.

*I’m not really going to kill 4,965 bloggers.  That’s just a joke.  I thought I should clarify since sometimes these things get misconstrued here.  Also, it turns out that technorati uses weird algebra so those 4,965 bloggers might actually be more like 10,000 actual people.  Plus some of those blogs are written by a whole group of people so basically I’d have to murder like 20,000 people.  I don’t have the time for that sort of project.  I can barely manage to keep my car clean.  But if I ever get to the top 18 or so, I will totally kill the other 17 people.**

**But only if they live near me.***

***Because I hate to drive.****

**** “Hate” is such a strong word.  It’s more like “dislike”.  I won’t murder all 17 people if they live far away because I dislike driving.

PS. As an aside? Seriously, blog popularity is fleeting, flukey and largely based on chance.  Also, if you’ve linked to me before and I haven’t linked back to you it’s because I suck and I’m probably responsible for you not being in the top 5k.  Please yell at me in the comments and I will totally put you on my list of people to murder blogroll if you aren’t there already.

PPS.  Shit.  I just looked again on technorati and now it says I’m at 8,096.  Fuck!  I can’t kill that many people by myself!  Wait…just checked again and now it’s back to 4,966.  Phew.  That was a close one.  Hey technorati, maybe you could straighten your shit out before you cause me to murder 3,000 extra people just because you have a bug.  Just a suggestion.

Comment of the day: You don’t actually have to kill all those people. You can just chop off all their fingers ~ Chag

PPPS.  I’m going to be updating my blogroll for months.  Worth it.

241 thoughts on “This doesn’t bode well for the integrity of blogging

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Well, I’m ranked like 520,759. Which means I’m a whole order of magnitude higher than you are. Or lower. Anyway, I have that many more bloggers on my list of those to not-murder, and you’re included. Doesn’t that make you feel special?


    Ed T.’s last blog post..Visitations

  2. Once you murder those 4,964 other bloggers, and then you’ve got a taste for it, and then you decide to refine your technique, and then you start getting creative and discovering new ways to kill people off with duct tape, superglue and His Song, can you just stop at 20,150? I’d appreciate it.

    Mr Lady’s last blog post..Rate the Hate the Pot Luck Edition

  3. I’m in the top 500k! Is that impressive? If it makes you feel better, you’re technically on my list to kill to gain the top spot . . . I too dislike driving. That and I don’t have a license. Not cause I’m too young or don’t know how to drive . . . just dislike it is all.

    Untypically Jia’s last blog post..I’m Feeling Very Musical Today

  4. CRAP! My rank is 1,287,250!

    Like I REALLY have the time to kill 1,287,249 bloggers.

    Besides… I like you a lot, I don’t want to have to kill you off just because I suck.

    Maybe I should illustrate how I feel again…

    Houston’s last blog post..Spare Cat?

  5. Just say the word,is all I am saying.

    I mean, I have connections…you know, of the bone breaking variety.

    And you know how bone breakers are. Always looking for an excuse to break some…um…bones.

    This should have been a contest about how often I can use the word bone!

    brittany’s last blog post..Holy 1983

  6. Consider this me yelling at you.

    But also, I stalked some poor girl who kind of looked like you at Wild West last Saturday… you weren’t there, were you? If not, I really, really feel sorry for the girl I was stalking. If you were, um, that was me pointing you out to my husband.

    Also, my husband mocked me for buying rollers yesterday-he said “you just want to have a bloggess-style picture of yourself.”

    I said, hey, I may be creepy, but I’m not a poser…

    SpondyGirl’s last blog post..Recap of last weekend

  7. I’m actually going to take you OFF of my blogroll, because I can’t in good conscience help you get anywhere close to the top 20 or else all of those lives that you’ll talk (if they’re close, and you don’t have anything going on that day) will be on MY ledger when I finally meet St.Peter. And he’ll be all “Dude, you forced the Bloggess to kill 17 people” and no matter how much I protest that I had nothing to do with it he’s not going to let me in. Also, I’m not Mormon.

    So since my only options for getting through the Gates are to become Mormon or stop your insane killing spree I’m going to have to….

    Crap, I lost my train of thought. Oh hey! You’re in the top 5000! Sweet!

    Backpacking Dad’s last blog post..And just where were you while this was going on?

  8. Oooh, death and destruction!

    “Your diary must look odd. Death, Death, Death, Afternoon Tea, Death, Death, Death… ”
    (Eddie Izzard. But he was talking about Hitler. You know how it is.)

    🙂 Blogroll? You’re totally on mine!

  9. Wow, I’m ranked 108,106. Not comparable to you, but still higher than I expected*. Let’s see if I can make it into the “top” 100,000 by the end of this year…

    *Then again you’re probably responsible for me not being in the top 5k, cause I’m not in your blogroll :-P.

    Melinda’s last blog post..Links of The Day: August 12th through August 16th

  10. I have you blogrolled. I don’t know if you even read my blog, but you can totally blogroll me. I mean, by me blogrolling you, I’m helping you by upping your rank and therefore, you have to commit less murder.

    I think it’s a win win situation.

  11. Phew. I just took being murdered by the Bloggess off my list of worries. I’ll never post those kind of numbers. You rock girl.

    anymoomy’s last blog post..Cake Walk

  12. There’s always blog WORLD expo in sept in VEGAS and since you like to drink and you have a wig and guys like girls in wigs especially techie guys you could always charm them with big words…or spike their drinks…just sayin’

    PAPA’s last blog post..A Foreshadowing of Things to “COME”

  13. Aha. I kind of like any-moooo-my. It’s like I’m a mommy and a cow. I breastfed, so I kind of am like a mommy and a cow. Weird.

    anymommy’s last blog post..Cake Walk

  14. Well now, that looks weird too, because the comment where I posted as any-moooo-my got horked by your comment filter. I need to stop commenting. I’m done. See ya. Bye.

    anymommy’s last blog post..Cake Walk

  15. I’m not even sure what Technorati is for, and I suspect I am one of the last ten or so people on any of these kinds of lists. Clawing my way to the top would be waaaaay too much work, so you’re safe from me. Aside from the fact that I’ve begun reading your posts aloud to my husband because I kind of worship you now. You don’t mind that I’ve built a little altar to you, full of holy things like zombie graveyards and dead people on toilets, do you?

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..PhotoHunt: Colorful

  16. I would LOVE to be on your blogroll, however if you got to my blog and see something that I wrote about your voice just note the part that said YOU HAVE A LOVELY voice because I saw a video of yours and your voice was totally different than what I thought it would be like…alright I sound like a psycho…I’m out! Oh and I’m in like the top 5 million blogs so SUCK IT everyone…haha

    gingela5’s last blog post..Hallmark should be calling anyday now…

  17. I tried to understand those Technorati numbers once.


    (And if you’ve never seen Johnny Dangerously you will now think I am a total freak.)

    (Or at least you will think I’m even more of a freak than you thought I was before.)

    (That’s assuming you’ve ever read my blog. Which, according to my Technorati numbers, you probably haven’t.)

    bejewell’s last blog post..I’m Going to Write a Book

  18. I think maybe you should ask people to just line up outside your house and you can just kill them one at a time without going anywhere. Although this could get expensive because you would have to hire people to move all the bodies…and someone to hose down the driveway…and get you more bullets or knives, whatever your weapon of choice. You might have a little problem though, you know, getting people to line up for this sort of thing. So you might have to distract them with ice cream or something.

    maybe I should take a nap. Yeah, if anyone needs me, I’ll be taking a nap. I’ve thought about this a little too much.

  19. I wonder if Sharper Image sells a counter that you can use when you have to murder so many people. Because I’m guessing that it would be hard to keep track, especially in a middle of a rampage. Unless you outsource the killing. Which is really unAmerican. Not that killing is American. Oh god, why can’t you blog about puppies and kittens so that my comment could be “awwww….so cute!!!” ? ??

    Marinka’s last blog post..Allowance Update: The Recession

  20. If you will put me on your blogroll, I will kill the 867,000 between me and your 4,965 and then split the rest with you. I might live closer to some of them.

  21. Victor doesn’t sound like a very eager accomplice. No offense. If you’d like some help, I’d be more than happy to help. Utah has some great places to hide bodies.

    To Backpacking Dad: Mormons don’t necessarily have the heaven thing cornered. Trust me. I live in the land of Zion. South Park did give all the Mormons a huge send up though. My co-workers were all “see, even THEY know this church is true”.

    So, yeah. I just posted a comment about burying bodies and the church in Utah. I’m marked for sure.

    jenboglass’s last blog post..Scuze Us

  22. I don’t think I even register as a blip on Technorati. How on earth does one find out? Must ask someone younger who is not terrified of computers.

  23. okay, so I DO have you on my list of blog crushes, but I’m alway the last one picked for kickball, so I’m used to waiting. (It wasn’t that way BEFORE I had kids…)

    Anyway, I KNOW people who KNOW people who KNOW people. Ya get my drift????

    Vodkamom’s last blog post..Fly little bird, fly…

  24. “Look Bob, to the left, that number’s 36. Do you know what this means?”

    “Gosh Shirley, the only thing special about the number 36 is that it’s not any other number.”

    “How is it that you have lived so long without dying in a grotesque or obscure manner, Bob? No. The number 36 is special because we managed to comment on The Bloggess’ blog before the comments went over 100.”

    “Yeah, but what about your Technorati rating?”

    “Bob, don’t lose focus – we’re talking about accomplishments here and not the lucid daydreamings of a 45 year old in diapers. Gosh!”

    JL’s last blog post..The Devil Lives at Home.

  25. “Damnit Bob, you took so long typing with your fat 45-year-old diaper hands that 7 other people commented before us. Now the number is not 36.”

    “I’m sorry Shirley, I won’t… what are you doing? Why are you breaking that wine bottle… No Shirley… IT’S JUST A COMMENT!”

    JL’s last blog post..The Devil Lives at Home.

  26. Really, I think it’s more like the Mafia. All you have to do is take out the kingpin and the rest will topple. The question to ask, then, is who’s the kingpin? That’s right ……………………………………..
    It’s Maggie, Dammit (you totally thought I was going to say someone else, din’t you? You did. Admit it.)

    I have solved all your problems, Jenny: take out The Maggie and world domination is yours. YOURS! Mwahahahaha!

    (And she lives nearish me, so for the right amount, I could perhaps be persuaded to do the driving for you).

    Gwen’s last blog post..Heart Throb

  27. I love you people. For real. You’re all going on the blogroll as soon as I can get this feverish 3 year old to get off me. I can’t even type properly at the moment.

    Also? To check your technorati ranking just go to technorati and enter in your blog. The ranking thing is pretty meaningless but (if it’s working) it will tell you who is writing about you and what they are saying, which is often very nice and sometimes completely disconcerting. More often disconcerting in my case though because I’m apparently very popular and/or hated in Belgium. I don’t know because I can’t translate whatever those blogs are saying about me. I like to assume it’s something nice though.

  28. technorati hates me, ever since i got my own domain. serves me right i guess.

    and what heather said is wrong. you kick ass. period. not kind of.

    (i’m so glad i’m way beneath you technorati-wise, otherwise i might think i’d need more life insurance.)

  29. Dude, I don’t even want to know. I just feel lucky that I have escaped your ire with my life. Because, I have heard from slightly mentally disturbed sources that you are kind of dangerous.

    flutter’s last blog post..There was a boy

  30. Man, I’d have to murder 458,463 other people to make it to number one. And in the meantime, other people would probably move ahead of me and then I’d have to murder THEM.

    I think I’ll just embrace my place!

    Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Embarrassing Moments

  31. I am in the 200K or worse range depending on the time of the month. I could only wipe out that many rivals if I were to invent some biological terror that would only effect very specific people – and then I would have to know who they all were, where they lived and probably get DNA samples and in the end – I would still be blogging for free.


    Oh yeah and have you linked me? Better question, have asked before? I am asking.

  32. Wow, I’m finally out of the millions and into the low 700 Gs. Still low enough to be very, very safe from your hitlist! 😉

    You are awesome, and on my blogroll, so yes please, do add me when you get around to it!

    Kaza’s last blog post..Back-to-School A-Go-Go

  33. Congrats on having 20,000 people to kill!! Perhaps we ought to get to work on those ray guns so that we can go out and make those 20,000 people shit themselves to death? Seems more efficient.. you know, through a big ‘elite bloggers’ party and invite them all.. then blast the whole room with the ray gun!

    Ok… I’ll stop.. and, yes, I have you blogrolled.. so return the favor already! Please and spank you.. I mean thank you!

    ChurchPunkMom’s last blog post..still refusing to be a soccer mom..

  34. Please do not put me on your blogroll. I find I lose interest in bloggers the minute they put me on their blogroll. It’s sort of like the girl who sleeps with you on that first date before she really knows you. I mean, it is nice to have the sex and all, and sometimes the sex is fantastic, and sometimes you aren’t at your best cause you drank a little too much vodka (if you get what I mean), but whatever — this type of girl is not the one to bring home to your mother or the one you want to marry and move to Long Island with. No, I’d rather chase after the one who is hard to get, the glamorous one, then have my heart broken by her, and then be stuck home on a Saturday night while my roommate is involved in a threesome in the next room, and I’m just by myself going from blog to blog writing comments on blogs by women who’s moniker end in -ess, hoping to draw someone — anyone — to my own blog, so then I won’t feel so lonely, and who are we kidding — technorati sucks! Have you ever tried to use their “favorites” feature. That shit doesn’t work at all!

    Neil’s last blog post..Almost Like Vienna

  35. Stoopid Technorati. I am like number 1 but Technorati doesn’t recognise me. It is the Ninja thing. Damn stealth, doesn’t show up on their stoopid math thingy.

    Kelley’s last blog post..I am a simple girl.

  36. Hmm. You may remember that the other day I wrote a comment on your guest post for HBM about having a friend who is always like, “This would be a good place to hide a dead body.” So yeah, I know a lot of good places to hide them. Just let me know if you ever get high enough to start killing them off. I’m positive I won’t be high enough to be one of them, so I’d love to help. If you’ll add me to your blogroll that is 🙂 LOL.

    Cassie’s last blog post..Public Service Announcement: Candoms

  37. Gwen’s comment just made my day.

    Awesome, my first death threat! I would almost consider getting killed if it meant Gwen and you were gonna show up at my house…. could we drink together first before you started smashing kneecaps?

    Lemme think it over.

    (and I’m not about to waste space here pointing out how I’m not in fact the kingpin, especially when you plug my new blog domain name into that fuckly whoreface known as Technorati, because I’m pretty sure I’d rather you all continued to think I’m great.)

    Maggie, dammit’s last blog post..the winds of change

  38. half the time Technorati says I have no authority. Then they change their minds and give it back to me. Then they say 100,000 blogggers are better than me. Then I don’t exist again.Fickle, that technorati wench. (they now say they haven’t been pinged by my blog in 290 days –that sounds vaguely dirty, doesn’t it??–though they have my current post)

    Kacey’s last blog post..I Like Pink

  39. Thank goodness I’m 352,384. I’d hate you to have to fly all the way to Australia and drive from the airport to kill me. That would be expensive and time consuming.

    dani’s last blog post..Free range spatchcock

  40. Blogroll me…just don’t kill me.

    I’m afraid to even look at my Technorati rating. I’m probably somewhere around 5,001,678,303 or something.

    Kat’s last blog post..Dead Man Walking

  41. I boycotted Technorati, Alexa, Google analytics and all similar applications because I think they prey upon blogger insecurities.

    And, because I couldn’t stop checking them obsessively.

    Also, I could never quite figure out just what the fuck “authority” meant.

    Blog Antagonist’s last blog post..A LONG ASS Explanation and Probably TMI

  42. Why do people keep asking you to blogroll them? Is that important???

    But as long as everyone’s doing it……. please blogroll me too!

  43. I just signed up for Technorati and my rating is 4,900,000. Are there really that many blogs out there that are doing better than me? It’s probably because I’m not on your blogroll either. When 4,900,001 knocks me off, I’ll be blaming you.

    Cara’s last blog post..Something Spooky This Way Comes

  44. But if there was suddenly some murder spree of the 5,000 most popular blogs, that would totally make them all that much more popular (like non blog people would start reading them) and the gap would just widen. Also, you’d probably have to fake your own death so it didn’t look suspicious.

    I’m off to add you to my rolling blogroll if that helps.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Grow Your Own- Mexican Dandelion Greens

  45. Duuuude, I’m totally under a million. I’ll be even a little more under a million if you put me on your blogroll. Then we can celebrate! Woo!!

  46. All I’m sayin’ is that I know a guy who knows a guys who knows a guy that could probably help you out with a few thousand bloggers or so. He owes me one.

    Brenda’s last blog post..Quote of the day.

  47. I linked to you but it was one time in a very unfortunate situation. I just commented to say, way to go and that if you will link to me I promise I’ll never be more than even the top 10,000 and I don’t live near you so that will make it easier for you to handle the load…baweawaws

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..That Chubby Kid

  48. Haha, you think you have it bad?? Get this … I have to kill 1,935,452 to be number one.

    Hmm, since you are in the top 5K, that means … well, not that I would … ummm, forget I said anything. Oh look, a chicken!!!

    *runs away fast*

    **this was a lot funnier in my head**

    SharonO’s last blog post..The road runs both ways

  49. Wait…hold on. I’m seriously in awe. YOU KEEP YOUR CAR CLEAN? How? When? Is there a program? Cause today in mine I found half a squashed tomato and some wet clothes squished with water balloons and was like SWEET! They’re not moldy.

    So you’re a winner to me already, lady.
    And feel free to blogroll me if you so desire, that would be lovely dahling. You’re on mine cause I like to do my part to help you take over Blogoslovakia.

  50. i am thinking maybe just a stun gun on all those people. or like one of those star trek kind of trance things. or maybe you could put them in some kind of deep freeze. the murder thing is all too messy.

    if victor doesn’t get it does that mean that you could make up any number and not impress him?

  51. Well I would have to off about a million people and I just don’t have the energy for that today. Altho I am sure that your people are included in my people’s list, so maybe just maybe if you put me on your blogroll I could take care of yours’ first.

    domestic extraordinaire’s last blog post..Words of encouragement

  52. I think you’re missing something… you have a lot of regular readers here and almost 2200 followers on Twitter. You need to delegate the killings. I don’t know what your unique visitor count is, but if just everyone on twitter killed two bloggers, you’d be there! Plus, we’re spread out all over the country (dare I say, the world), so could do it on the way to work or where ever. Think of it as AMWAY, with The Bloggess at the top of the pyramid.

    Andy’s last blog post..Random Thautz on 2008-08-15

  53. I just signed up for technorati and it says I have #1 authority (which I’m pretty sure is the highest score possible) out of 2,636,234 blogs. I’m new to this but, I think that means I’m awesome (but you can totally blogroll me anyway).

    The Husband’s last blog post..Dear Douchebag

  54. You don’t actually have to kill all those people. You can just chop off all their fingers.

    Chag’s last blog post..Hair

  55. I don’t even have a Technorati account, so you can take me off of your “People to Kill” list. LOL!

    You are too funny!

  56. Wait, is the blogroll the list of people you’re going to kill, or the ones who will help you with it? I’m good with being on the second one.

    Missy’s last blog post..So, How’s Uni?

  57. Okay, just checked, and I am NOT on your blogroll. Did I mention you’re on mine? No? Well, you are. SO, add me beoch or I’m totally divorcing your blogging ass!


    Please don’t kill me. I have kids. They’ll have to resort to cannibalism if I’m dead.

    Monkeytoemomma’s last blog post..WTF Warner Brothers?

  58. Wow, I would totally consider being murdered by The Bloggess to be a serious claim to fame. Talk about going out in style! (I guess that’s my totally lame way of saying I’d love to be on your blogroll…)

    Marilyn’s last blog post..You Need to Read – August 16

  59. My technorati ranking seems to change with the wind and the stars. Every time I say I’m going to stop following it, I always fail and go back with my tail between my legs. Stupid ranking system.

    SciFi Dad’s last blog post..Keyword Madness VIII

  60. Thing is…if you kill thousands of people to improve YOUR technorati…MY technorati will improve too.

    When you are number one and I am number two…I officially challenge you to a blog write off.

    Let’s do this.

    ps I’ve just got a teensy teensy ways to go…wait up k!?!

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..Saturdays Question: Laundry

  61. No, wait. Here’s the thing. MOST of us have blogs that would benefit from having those 5000+/- people murdered, right? So what you do is, you use that as your platform: what benefits you really benefits US ALL. Many hands make light work—and also, less driving.

    Swistle’s last blog post..Personality Tests

  62. I just read a bunch of your comments…are you totally regretting that whole “I’ll add you to my blog roll if you tell me to” thing? Good Lord.

    And for the record I’m not asking to be on your blog roll…unless you can somehow make my link golden…maybe flashing?? Otherwise just forget it.

    mama’s losin’ it’s last blog post..Saturdays Question: Laundry

  63. that victor thinks he knows everything…

    so if not everything you write here is true, does that mean you DIDN’T actually KILL amy sedaris?

    i got no idears about my technorati rating, i find it disturbing in the way of using a scale to see how much you weigh.

    piglet’s last blog post..creations

  64. Woo-hoo! Top five grand! Congratulations!! I read you constantly and just never comment. Which, when I write it like that, seems shitty and selfish. But really it’s just because you’re a big-time blogger (though I am just now seeing HOW big!) and I’m, you know, NOT. So who cares what I would comment?!

    But as I am COMPLETELY AND SERIOUSLY stumped by Technorati, maybe you could explain THAT deal to People Who Are Stupid Like Me. I’ve claimed my blog, I write posts, I participate, and, for the love of God, I PING. And ping and ping and ping. And yet it says my last ping was like 784 years ago and since I’m not even 40 yet (and my blog isn’t even ONE), clearly I am confused.

    So see? Not only is your content top notch, so are your technical skills! Massive Creativity + Apparently Being Your Own I.T. Department = top five thousand! Suh-weet.

    But in my book? So clearly and easily top 5. 🙂

    Lesley’s last blog post..Bang Your Head!

  65. A stalker who fed off the unsuspecting victims of my previous blogroll drove me to remove it, but that stalker may have been rubbed out in an unreported blogger massacre, so it’s probably safe for me to return it. When I do, I’m going to add you. I’d be all blushy if you added me.

    I’ve got 112,000 people to dominate before I can stand atop the world with my cape flowing. The path there is slowed somewhat by my laziness and disgust with getting messy. Mostly my laziness.

    for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..she’s a bitch, she’s a tease

  66. Makes you wonder which blog is 4,965 and if they read YOUR blog! Hmmm. I bet they do and now they’re totally freaked out thinking they are first on your list and how being first has to be MUCH worse than being the last person you murder since most serial killers start out very sloppy.

    Kile’s last blog post..Hot August Nights Recap

  67. Crap.I’d have to kill a little over 64,000 people to rule the blogosphere. Meh. Is that good enough to be added to your blogroll? If so, please add me in. And then I’ll help you with this mission. I could use a creative outlet for my PMS right about now.

  68. i would love to be on the bloggess’ bloggroll. lord, is that too many g’s? and s’s’? are my apostrophe’s even in the right place??? lord, i need to lay off the beer. anyway, i MUST say that i ADORE Maggie, Dammit. lovelovelove her.

    oh. and i LOVE jenny. lots and lots and LOTS.



    just beth’s last blog post..The Results Are In!

  69. I am of course relieved that mine will not be amongst the dead bodies strewn amidst the blogging world. I’m too fearful to look at my Technorati rating, as I suspect my blog would register far below those written by zoo animals and infants. It’s all too depressing for me on this sunny Sunday morning.

    Incidentally, if you were to murder a few extra thousand people due to a wavering Technorati rating in error, I suspect they could be charged as accomplices. You might as well take those bastards down with you, right?

    MsPrufrock’s last blog post..A tale of two bodies

  70. I have to kill the population of China to get to the #1 spot. That’s going to take time or WMDs. I have neither. Okay, that’s a total lie, I have at least 2 WMDs.

    BTW, I am sure it was some kind of technical glitch that caused my blog to not appear on your blogroll, because we’ve been in a men’s room together. So, I know you must have had me on your blogroll. I’ll give you 24 hours to get right on that. If not, there’s one WMD I’m going to have to waste, because dammit if I can afford to gas to get to Houston.

    Disclaimer: This comment is meant to be funny. It, in no way, represents events real or implied that will occur or have occurred or may occur.

    califmom’s last blog post..PhotoHunt: Colorful

  71. #4,567,345- looks like I’m going to be busy taking out a good portion of modern civilization.

    And you’re totally screwed on ‘blogrolling’ because- everyone blogrolls you!

  72. Congrats on being in the top 5k.

    And since you don’t know me, what I’m about to say is going to seem even creepier, but you were totally in my dream last night. Not a lot happened, I just told you that I didn’t think your voice would sound how it did in my dream.


  73. I’d have to kill 56,741. Like, a small city. It would be way more convenient if everyone could move to one small city, built just for purposes, you know?

    Makes me tired. And a little freaked out.

  74. You just totally screwed yourself, cause now you’d have to kill all the rest of the bloggers below you too because you confessed the killings to us. Now you are totally up to at least 1, 457, 987 people on the hit list. Damn girl.

    Tracey’s last blog post..iPost Therefore i Am Sunday

  75. what’s a technorati?

    so much to learn, so little time. I need to figure out how to breastfeed and type at the same time.

    I adore you, you are definatley on my blogroll, but that shouldn’t surprise you. you ARE The Bloggess, you know.



    just beth’s last blog post..The Results Are In!

  76. ROFL I’m sure mine is way more pathetic a score so at least I don’t have to worry about killing anyone! WHEW!! That’s a relief because blood is full of germs and I don’t think there’s enough Clorox in the world for that!

    Steph’s last blog post..This is how it went…

  77. I fucking HATE technorati! The ratings are based on number of links alone, all of whcih are supposed to expire after 150 days, but some do, some don’t, and who the fuck can figure out their glitchy system? I was 117,363 a week ago, now I’m like 241,000. None of my links expired!

    I have to kill a LOT more people than you! Or get into the cool bloggers club. Or — quit looking because hey, I have FEELINGS technorati! Screw you for not respecting them!

    Jane’s last blog post..Profile in Passion: Linda Woods. Artist, Rule Breaker & Universal Sister

  78. so if not everything you write here is true, does that mean you DIDN’T actually KILL amy sedaris?

    No, but rumor has it she did threaten Dooche.

  79. I just clicked on your site because you were on Google’s top recommends, and I try to click on one of those at least once a day. It’s been a long time since I found something worth subscribing to. Thanks, I laughed out loud twice while I read. Technorati does need to straighten their shit out. I’ll see you at your next post.

  80. Say nothing. If we all stick together this will totally work. Also, if you’re in the top 5k you should send me your address and leave your door unlocked. Also, send me bus fare because I’m totally broke this week and I have practically no extra killing money. Also, someone needs to lend me a machete.

  81. If you don’t ask why I have one, and you pinky promise swear to wipe off all my fingerprints, I can loan you my machete. But also take the time to give it a nice wipe-down after you’ve done your duty because the last thing I need on my list this week is “clean blogger gunk off machete because the Bloggess is too slackass to wipe off the remnants of her own bloodbath”.

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..Thank God the Kids Get Their Hair From Me

  82. Holy cow, I would love to be in your blogroll.

    I’ll go add to you mine right now.

    P.S. It’s not because you may add me to yours.

    P.P.S. It’s because I think you’re a rockin’ blogger.

  83. I had Technorati code on my site but I was so confused about what is WAS that I took it down. Intelligent people have tried to explain it to me, but they may as well try to explain the stock market or the tax code. Trust me, you will NEVER ever have to kill me b/c I am NOT doing the Technorati madness again. I am comfortable in my ignorance. Amen.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..One Flew Into The Cuckoo’s Nest

  84. Technorati/schmati. I don’t even bother to look cuz I’m my only reader.

    Dude, please put me on your list to murder/blogroll. Yo shit don’t stank.

    Robin’s last blog post..The Importance

  85. Dear The Bloggess,

    I am not so sure that “Friends of The Blogess” is the right name for your blogroll, simply because, as much as I would like to be added to your blogroll, I’m not very sure you’d want to be my friend.

    Because, if we were friends (for reals), I would want to help you (and by helping you, I mean killing half of those on your hitlist) and that would take up a whole lot of time that I just don’t have right now.

    Besides, I expect my friends to buy me gifts on my birthday (I prefer diamonds) and buy me drinks when the person I’ve slept with has just informed me that he has an STD and I’m not so sure you could afford that (I’ve slept with a lot of people…).



    P.S. I feel obligated to explain that I am neither a psycho, stalker, or a murderer, but I am following you.

    P.S.S. If we do become friends, I will have to un-invite you to my Virtual Dinner Party because I wouldn’t want it to seem like I was playing favorites.

    P.S.S.S. If you do decide to be my friend, I will send you my address because I think it’s only fair that birthday presents be retroactive so you would have 31 years to make up for and if you think that buying me 31 drinks will suffice you’re abso-fucking-lutely right I’ll accept that! Oh, and you can totally be my BFF when you do…especially if you hold my hair back while I…um…you know…

    Hip_M0M’s last blog post..Blog Day 2008

  86. As far as technorati goes, I think there’s only 6 million + better than me currently and I have absolutely no problem with taking them all out. Except you of course.

    On second thought, I don’t even know if I’m on technorati. Hmm.

  87. Sometimes Technorati adds 100,000 to my ranking, bringing me down down down. But then I pop back up again on another day to my comfortable 60-something-thousand number, which I never knew what it meant, but now I do. I’m 1/13 as good as the Bloggess (right? cause my number is 13 times yours) – and I know it totally freaks you out that I used the BAD number on your blog, but if you kill those 4,996 people, the ratio will skew, and I’ll be able to change it. See? So easy.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..A Numers Game: Where in the world has MommyTime Been?

  88. I think you really need to look into your rank for ‘next in line for the throne.’ Any throne.

    I mean, as long as you’re contemplating a killing spree. Also, I’m going to check my technocrati standing and I don’t mind driving. I’ll take my husband’s car. It’s cooler than mine.

    Manic Mommy’s last blog post..The Upside…

  89. how the crap would you know who has you on their blog roll if they don’t come out and be all “bitch, you’re on my blog roll!” (which you are, just saying)
    do you read the blogs of all who comment on your shit? what a daunting task. have you read the trials and tribulations of potty training and cosleeping with 4 people in my bed? do you, the blogess, know my sleeping habits?
    you totally don’t have to murder me, trust, because only my mom in her friends read my blog. i’m such a loser.

    britt’s last blog favorite summertime guilty pleasure!!

  90. I would have to take out a pretty sizable metropolitan area to equal the number of people who outrank me. Of course, I had to guess at several combinations of user names and passwords just to get into the technorati site, so it can’t be important enough to me to prompt that kind of mayhem.

  91. 174 comments on a post about your Technorati ranking? Shiiiittt, girl. You have nothing to worry about. You’re already at the top of the blogosphere or blogoslavakia or whatever the hell we’re calling it now. I’m just happy if I get one comment on a post because that means someone besides myself is reading my poor blog.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..My birthday shoes

  92. Good to know I am safe from your killing-thousands-of-people-for-nothing plan since I am not a blogger!


    Shit. Unless by me constantly stalking, or lurking and never linking to you becasue I have no blog to link to you from, I am in a way lowering your ranking giving you more people to have to kill, thus making you want to kill me too because if I were dead that would speed up your climb to the top of that Technorati thing.

    I’m fuckt.

  93. Hey! My 10 year old just learned how to drive (don’t look at me like that…my dad taught her!), so she could drive us and your daughter can serve drinks and we could totally turn it into a killing spree party. But we might have to borrow a boat, b/c 1. her only driving experience was pulling a boat 2. they have those cool cooler things that could hold the drinks and 3. you never know when we might have to make a water getaway!

    JessicaC’s last blog post..Sleeping with Sock Monkeys…I’m Cheap!

  94. Yes, you seem to have had some trouble with rather literal interpretations of your genius thoughts. If you get to 18, and some of the ones that are too far away from you are close to me, I might be persuaded to do some of your killing.
    And you should totally add me to your blogroll on account of me forcing you to talk to me at BlogHer ’08, and generally being awkward. Surely that’s worth a prize.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Another Obama Endorsement

  95. Thanks for stopping by Husbands and Dads. I appreciated your comment!

    Here’s a consolation thought: does anybody really pay attention to Technorati anymore? I mean, what, they only have a few million readers, right?

  96. Imagine how hard it would be to keep your car clean on a killing spree. That is discouragement enough for me.

  97. Ooo I’ve not checked technorati for several life times. I need to pop over and take a peek. You take care now or you may have to change your blog name to something more accurate like ‘ death nell blog’ or ‘technorati death threat’ you know, something cheerful like that.
    Best wishes

    Maddy’s last blog post..Social Stories, enough or not enough information?

  98. Just found you today. What a great place to start, with death threats! Now I’m looking forward to reading some posts that get you hate mail! Ummm, was this one?

    Hey, will you take the lowest ranked blog under your wings and show em how it’s done? We’re 4,567,253. Yes? No. Fuck. LOL.

    chasingjoy’s last blog post..Dependence on the Computer and Yellow Kiwi

  99. I want to laugh my guts out whenever I read your shit. But if I laughed right out loud, then my husband would ask why I was laughing and then I’d have to explain how I’m reading your blod instead of doing the crappy boring accounting stuff for our business.
    Thanks for making me laugh even if it is only internally.
    You ROCK! And hey, if you get around to it, I’d LOVE to be on your hit list -I mean- blogroll. Even if I’m not ranked on technorati or anything. =)

    Mother Musings’s last blog post..Can I get Whoop Whoop

  100. Yeah…mine goes up and then down and all over…stupid math. My honey suggested that I obsess…I mean, pop over to Technorati to check my score (it is lower than yours, so technically I’m safe from the knife…for now) and mine was higher than his. He panicked a little bit (so, maybe I’m not safe from the knife after all…damn.)

    sadira’s last blog post..The Route 66 Obsession Continues…

  101. I’m 4,978,471, apparently. So basically, I’m gonna take a while getting around to killing you. But at least you’ll have killed everyone above you by then, right? Good.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Finish That Sentence

  102. techno-WHATTie?

    see, you’re so far ahead of me in popularity, i still haven’t even got that damn site figured out yet. every time i try to go over there and understand it, i give up in a humph of insecurity and aggravation that I still get lost and have to retype “babyshrink” into the search box just to find my own damn page!! so at least you’re wayy ahead of me on that score….oh yeah, and the funny/great writer thing too…you do got that going for ya.

    so on that note, i’ll just sit in the closet and eat wet cigarettes, ok? thanks for the ego boost!!

  103. First of all 201 comments! How does one even do that?! Anyway, I don’t think that movie is out here and I really think I am glad! I currently feel fat and lazy, I don’t need anyone else to tell me that!

    Jo~Jo’s last blog post..Gold Number 8!

  104. I do not start my day without checking your blog.

    My fave post so far is the one about the midgets/dwarf. I still chuckle when I think of it.

    Blogroll me even though my rank = 3,324,847

    Mia’s last blog post..Another year bites the dust

  105. I looked at this site and it said that DOOCE was number 40 in the top 100 Blogs so I went over to her Blog and spent some time there reading.

    The only thing I have to say is:

    #40? I don’t get it. Who did she have to ….for that?

  106. I am not ranked, so I have plenty of time to either cut or mame people in the Northwest for you. Give the addresses and a google map. Yahoo’s maps suck.

    Can I be added to the blogroll, or do I have to actually send you some higher blogger’s fingers first.

  107. I’m not even close to being on Technorati, so you can safely put me in your blogroll.

    On the other hand, I’m not even close to being on Technorati, so why would you want to put me in your blogroll??

    BTW, if I knew how to make a blogroll, you would totally be in it.

    Eternal Sunshine’s last blog post..Changes, Part II

  108. Pingback: Good Mom / Bad Mom
  109. It’s perfectly safe for you to blogroll me. I am a lowly 69,000 or so. I was damn happy with that! Even if my association with you gained me a few thousand spots, I’d still have to get a lot wittier and more talented to get to where you’d have to kill me. And lord knows that won’t happen any time soon.

    I’ll be checking your blogroll often.

    michellew’s last blog post..Showers of happiness…

  110. I used to think I was popular… then I met Jenny, The Bloggess… now THAT is popular, Bitches!

    Okay… can I please come sit at the cool table? I’ll pop open your soda and pick out all the ugly colored M&Ms for you. Well… that’s what the suck ups used to do for me, so I figures, what the hell. haha… just kidding…

  111. Blogroll me, baby! Because we bathroomed partied and stuff. And cause I link to you.

    Technorati is EVIL. Once, I put the widget on my blog, cause my authority was in the triple digits and I was all excited. The authority was lower on the widget, then it was on the site. So I sent them email, and turned out they had me listed twice. So they deleted one of them. That’s fine. You would think it would be the one with the higher rank, wouldn’t you? It wasn’t! So I got stuck with a lower authority, and had to work my way back up. I am still not there, yet. And? And, they said their decision was final.

    I KNOW. So, Technorati is evil.


    T@SendChocolate’s last blog post..Finding a Lost Boy

  112. See, I know the only reason I am not on your blogroll is that you have never heard of me, considering I only just found you – I am embarassed that, even though I have too many on my bloglines I only recently added the 4,965th.

    Considering I have dropped 1000 in the hour between reading this and getting around to commenting, you must be targetting the wrong people – I was really looking forward to becoming 166,777 on their list – and I only had to boost the confidence of one lesser than me, and now my plan is shot to pieces.

    Somehow, 167,892nd doesn’t have the same panache.

    jeanie’s last blog post..Notes on the child-free night experiment

  113. youd pretty much need to remove all their limbs and voice box. There’s that friggin voice recognition software that will type for you and there are those freaks who are toe talented. But, if they are heavily accented, you could let them keep their voice. That software acts like it’s going to explode if you say “ya’ll” or “paahk the cah in basten yarhhhd”

    fidget’s last blog post..master multi-tasker

  114. What the BALLS? One time you commented on my blog, before I had ever been exposed to the glory of Another time you replied to one of my Tweets. Therefore, I thought we were pretty close to being best friends. Now I come to find out I am in fact not on your blogroll. That is no doubt the reason my technorati rating is approximately 32.

    Not. Cool.

    Fern’s last blog post..“oh my dosh!”

  115. I may break into the top one million some day. Then I can set my sights on the 5 figure echelon. Top 5k? That’s just some kinda awesome. Congrats.

    Oh, and I just arrived here today, so I suppose I should mention that I’ve yet to be added to the blogroll… slacker. 🙂 You’re on mine.

    Ian’s last blog post..Gartner Says RIM Wins Smartphone War

  116. After reading this post I *almost* went and looked up my Technorati rating only then I realized the very fact that I have no idea what that is means that it’s quite unlikely mine is anything that won’t be super depressing. And by depressing, I mean will include not a single, solitary link to a stalking Belgian, and then I’ll realize I’m still so very far away from accomplishing anything with my life.

  117. My “significant other” keeps telling me that arsenic has no flavour … does this help?

  118. I just looked you up on Technorati today and in 4 years your rank has jumped to 936. Congratulations! I’m just curious where you buried the 4029 (to date) bloggers that were ahead of you?

    P.S. I wouldn’t bother offing any more bloggers, if I were you – why do all the work for #937?

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